#1360 - Nikki Glaser

Oct 3, 2019

Nikki Glaser is a stand-up comedian, podcast host, and television host. Her new stand-up special "Bangin" is now streaming on Netflix.

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Hello friends this episode the show is brought to you by whoop this is sober October and all through sober October I'm wearing a whoop device 24/7 I'm actually looking at the information right now we're all wearing them through sober October and oh my God right now Tommy secure how did Tom get ahead of me when he burned 2700 calories and I burned 3300 cowers this is bullshit actually it's not a tell you it's all dependent upon a lot of things but it measures your heart rate and heart rate variability it shows you how much you recovering I'm recovering more than any of these fucks see that Jamie eighty percent recovery which is really not that good the big thing folks is sleep hours of sleep I found out that I sleep less than I think I sleep because you wear this watch while you're sleeping and tells you like last night I thought I got a good night's rest I sort of did I got six hours and 32 minutes

birkoff five hours are we got more than anybody six hours and 45 but you think you get more sleep than you do because sometimes you just laying there in bed you're not actually sleeping well the whoop device measures how much your sleep and measures everything it's super detailed analytics and very very helpful it tells you when you recovered and when you're not so based on heart rate variability tells you like how hard you should push it because a lot of times you just guessing right well you don't have to guess anymore this Loop strap is the shit it combines a wearable device with state-of-the-art software to help athletes high performance operators and even comedians that are going sober for a month improve recovery training and sleep and make better lifestyle choices with real-time feedback on your body and you can get the whoop strap 3.0 when you join if you go to whoop.com and use the code sober October all one word at checkout you get the entire month of October free on us whoop works

the best from the NFL to Navy Seals to sober October crew but the insights apply to all of us see how your body responds to stress has good and bad and then adjust to live better get a whoop check out our team go sober and Watch What Happens at whoop.com that's wh o p whoop.com we are also brought to you by Heineken 0 0 we actually drank them during this podcast because Nikki doesn't drink but she drank the Heineken 0 0 I fucking drink these all the time now they taste like Heineken but without the alcohol but like it tastes exactly like Heineken it's hard to tell the two of them apart Heineken 0 0 is a result of groundbreaking Innovation that won't compromise on taste because they're brewed with a different technique that allows the Brewers to somehow through some secret magic gently remove the alcohol and restore the flavors that other manufacturers lose during the alcohol removal process

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tastes like fucking Heineken I love it and you can drink it during sober October with zero problems you could drink it from your grandmother you could drink it at work you could drink it while you're driving how about that it's 2019 we're all leading a more healthy balanced life folks and during this entire month of October I'm not drinking any alcohol but I'm tricking the fuck out of these Heineken zero zeros because they are delicious you can have one while you're at work

tiny kitten but without the alcohol tastes just like a refreshing Heineken it's beer but it just doesn't have any alcohol go out there and pick up a six-pack next to Heineken original at your favorite local store today Heineken 0 0 now you can isn't that nice isn't it nice that's some real Heineken but without the real alcohol and we're also brought to you by Simply Safe Simply Safe home security folks they got it nailed okay Simply Safe takes all the bullshit out they don't put holes in your walls it's no hassle easy to set up and it monitors your home through video verification technology which is huge when the cops come right if you if you have an alarm goes off alarm goes off and the cops think that it's probably an accident like what's going on there they don't know other homes

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and right now for our listeners Simply Save has an awesome deal go to Simply Save that's SI MPL is a fe Simply Save.com Rogan and you can get a free HD security camera when you order that's a $100 value that will make sure that you can take advantage of their video verification technology you'll always have eyes on your home 24/7 and with video evidence of someone tries to get in get your free HD security camera now at Simply Save.com Rogan that's simply save.com / Rogan my guest today is a fucking hilarious stand-up comedian who has a new special out right now on Netflix it came out last night come out last night two nights ago her name is Nikki Glaser and she's fucking awesome so please give it up for Nicky

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that's it we're moving we're doing it we're in motion Nikki Glaser AKA Marshalls new best friend that's so nice to hear yeah you definitely is new but really for sure did you see if I feel like he likes everyone does like everyone okay likes you right now for sure likes you jumped all over you it was so awesome I love him I needed it so bad is a rare dog he is weird right it's instantly like he looked I told you when he came in you I didn't hadn't even seen you yet and he just saw me and it's like we met at our eyes met across a room and he just like bounded towards me it felt so good grunts you like you're his best friend yeah like he's like I'm see you again yes and forever I just got back from war and he's my child licking my face just so excited uh yeah he starts whimpering it's so good can't believe you're here it's so any let you just hug him yeah I've never had a golden before I am a retriever they're like the nicest dogs of all time I've only had mutts that we've collected from the Humane Society that didn't

you know that are abused and damn lucky with them yes get lucky but you can also good when you were talking about your dog didn't want you to touch it for a year that was my daughter oldest daughter had this little tiny dog it was part Chihuahua and part of Australian sheep Australian herd dog Shepherd dog forget what it is but it was it looked very much like a chihuahua very small dog and he was terrified of me for like a year wouldn't let me come anywhere near him I come on dude I'm telling you I love dogs and it really wasn't until we got Marshall and then he saw me with a little tiny puppies like oh this dude is all right and then like he wanted to play with Marshall so you got close to me and then I pet his head and then next thing you know he's hopping in my lap and then you know after that he would just run to me and like literally jump in my arms yeah it's that and that's super rewarding to like see that change see when a dog finally accepts love and it's just been abused its it's just beautiful it's sad though when you like what happened to you like why are you scared of men I would kill to know what happened to my

good dogs that I gave to my parents but I had them for two years I've had quite a few dogs in my life that were rescued dogs and someone was one of the best ones I ever had a friend of a friend found it eating out of garbage cans and she was covered in mange like her like half her body was like hairless it was really sad yeah but she was a really sweet dog was tough to tell old she was she looked like she was like two or three yeah they don't know I took her in and like within like a month she had all her hair back to his fully plumped up yeah and that was like the nicest dog like she was like one a nice dogs I've ever had yeah it's my dog that I got bit me on the first day and drew blood and I was just like I'm getting rid of this thing this isn't Gonna Last I was just fostering it yeah and then it switched at some point it's it loved me and I like learned how to love

I just like went in too soon and it just was a it was abused before it came with this whole backstory of like it's not my the rescue people told me it was found in an alley behind a Pizza Hut and it was living off pizza and a kid tried they did this whole story I think a lot of rescue places make up stories so that you're like for sure or inclined to buy to get these things because they come with the story because I checked later on to be like which Pizza Hut was it because I wanted to bring Luigi my dog back to the Pizza Hut it came from just to see if it like remembered yes dig I kind of wanted to see and she goes I think that was just a story we made I was like oh come on they make up stories that's so dirty because it moves dogs man yeah they gotta move forever they can do to move those dogs give them names give them a story he slept on a pizza crust as a pillow you know like just any kind of thing that makes them did you know that Peta kills

thousands of dogs they've heard any time I post anything about Pete I have a bunch of people saying they're the worst well they're not the worst but what they are is they're the origins of PETA is that animal Liberation Organization the origins of PETA the people that originally found 2p to believe that all animals including pets should be free they don't believe in domesticated animals okay well I that's preposterous because my dog out there is having a great old time not being a pet is the BET I've actually said if I could be reincarnated it would be a rich person's golden retriever I've said that I didn't realize your dog is what I want to come back as the best life the best life that dog is only known love

yeah it's stress happens in that dog's life occasionally can't go out yes like if I'm injured or something like that yes he can't run for like weeks at a time he gets bombed but Peta kills animals because they think that their policy is that it's your more free to be dead than you are I don't know I well I don't want to put words in her mouth I think that's it they definitely kill animals but they kill him quick that's the thing then they're not out there trying to find owners for him oh yeah that's the knock on them the knock hang the animal Liberation Organization the mean Dave like broken into like to the type of people that like break into fucking supermarkets and release the lobsters back to the ocean be free be free my men do it now are you I'm into it I'm a total vegan I know you are reading huh I know you are but those lobsters have always made me so sad why they're bugs do swap mosquitoes

I rarely kill bugs when mosquitoes are fucking you up just let him please divinely eat me drink of my blood no you are me I am you and if you give me malaria then so be it I just okay maybe not like I'm not crazy okay I've come over to your house your house is filled with roaches a hand you bug spray do you use it yes because roaches roaches can fuck although I did have an instance in this is true I was in the shower and I was it was having I get really vegan and really when I'm depressed I get more vegan than ever it's like what throws me into it I'm just feeling too much and then I feel for every animal and it just gets out of control so if I'm ever

you know going off about vegan propaganda on my Instagram someone should check in on me I'm not doing well okay I'm in a dark hole you yes I'll call you um and one day I was in the shower and there was a dying house centipede like drowning the grossest bug known to man like it's there's half centipede have spider they're disgusting they've I don't hate anything more than that creature and I was like you know what I can't kill it I want to save it and just take it outside and I'll like tell my vegan front like I'll be like such a good vegan today so I got out the shower and like here when you get out the shower and you think you're just like you just don't need a towel I'm just gonna grab something and you like traipse like a lazy river throughout your house because there's I did that made a huge mess get a paper towel and come back and pick it up and I'm so scared to do it and I and I like I'm so proud of myself too I can't wait to fucking tell the vegans and I open it up I'm so scared because I'm gonna see if it's still alive and it was a clump of pubes it wasn't even oh yeah so I but which looks exactly like you mine your pubes are that

yeah dude yeah this is all fake bottle it's a bottle bottle yeah I mean they're not like dark dark but centipedes house centipedes are like blond they're kind of like dirty block know that hair bleach is not vegan right listen

I'm making that up by the way I don't even know if it is when I said that you like oh shit listen I know there's so many that I'm not a perfect vegan and I don't claim to be but I love the idea of veganism I love the idea but the idea that you love animals yeah want to cause harm I love the idea just the practical application and the health implications just that doesn't sit with me really yeah protein well it's not protein it's there's a lot of different things that you get from animals Omega fatty acids from grass-fed animals salmon and things like that that are just choline which is very difficult to get outside of animal products B12 very difficult to get outside of animal products okay my problem with I don't care if you hunt I don't care if you are in a farm in the animals are treated well it's just all about how you track them perform factory farming is home big issue 90% of all my meat I

myself that's I what that's why when people you know they often cite you as like is it cool if Joey think I'm like yes because he's hunting at all I also if I shoot if I shoot like two animals I eat them the whole year like I hunt big animals yeah elk or deer like if I eat a deer I'll eat that for four months like for four months I'll eat that I'm fine with that and I feed my dog it my dog eats mostly raw elk me really yeah it's one of the reasons why so healthy yeah it gets I mean dog food is horse shit like what the fuck is up animal dicks and assholes all ground up that dog eats elk he eats mostly elk you can tell he's super healthy he's beautiful but yeah I mean that's the problem I had also a murderer the dogs of squirrel murderer get him anywhere near a squirrel and everything changes yeah his little eyes rolled back in his head and they go black like he's caught something like a shark yes and then he eats that for four months he lives off that's okay

he doesn't even eat them Just For Locks them up comes back inside

you want you to see takes pictures he yeah yeah and what a scroll in his mouth you with that dog let me just say I film you are have the best your happiness like comes out in your face so I'm like when you smile it's not a fake smile your selfies with that dog after a hike I love them so much so happy I am he's my buddy you're so happy you are right yeah I'm pretty happy I want to come back as you reincarnated complicated it is yeah it's been a long time ago water you know people don't you shouldn't want to be you you don't want to be me you're a woman it would be so crazy it seems pretty good I think so seems pretty great to be Jonah I mean I mean what is the downside of being you I really want to know if you if someone was interested in becoming you what are some were some warnings you give them you better work bitch yeah otherwise the demons are

shh the catcher but you love working out yeah I love working out for two reasons one because it makes me feel good and to because I don't want the demons to catch me what are these demons demons Tommy team saying or demons anger anger demons yeah most men of anger demons because most men have a certain amount of Route there's a requirement that your body has in terms of like the expenditure of energy and if you don't meet that requirement you get antsy and then you get agitated when you see people flipping people off in traffic and going fucking crazy and road-raging what do you think that is for most people it's this this like excess of energy oozing out like an overflowing battery and they don't know what to do with it you know and if you have any sort of a History of Violence or extreme like a like Combat Sports or contact sports like football or anything athletic that's involving a lot of aggression like that sort of inherently a part of who you are and then where do you put that when you're not

that is exactly you gotta exercise that shit out yeah you were talking about this with the other day with the boys talking about sober October about how when you work out you don't you're do it when you were last October doing five hours a day on a treadmill or whatever the hell you were doing a lot hours you had you couldn't feel anything afterwards there was some kind of residual you were talking I didn't even comprehend it because I've never worked out that much we were talking about how nothing bothers nothing bothers you nothing nothing because you're so tired no no because I'm not that that's the crazy thing is you get in really good shape and then you're not that time it's not that you're that tired it's just that you're even like all your the way you process things there's no like well what the fuck is this guy think he is there's none of that kind of that it's like someone flips you off on look at that guy flipping me off like registers zero doesn't mean that you don't love things or get passionate about things but all the internal negative chatter is gone all of it all of the all of the

the pitfalls and traps psychological traps that your mind will lay for you if you don't give it a lot of activity if you don't occupy it I think that's a lot of what people go through and their life with anxiety with all sorts of different issues I think we have like human reward systems that are built in that helped us survive from the fucking caveman days and those are still a part of our DNA and if those athletic requirements or physical movement requirements are met your body just gets agitated it just like fucking just wants to do something Jesus Christ and you're just watching TV and then you know and then your neighbor's dog is barking like we shut that fucking thing up it's just releasing that energy you would have been releasing if by gathering nuts or whatever he was doing physical anything for fucking hiking anything yeah that's why people are happier and healthier when they use their body it's just it's not as simple as like a people like look at it like intelligent people unfortunately

certainly a lot of them look at it like it's a vanity thing they don't want to be caught up in a vanity thing so they don't care about their body but it's not your but you are your body they're Inseparable your mind is a part of your body your body is a part of your mind that's all together but what about your thoughts how do you what are your feelings on thoughts what a my feelings on them feel like for me thoughts are what caused all of the anxiety and all of the depression and all the anger it's not having control of my thoughts it's letting my thoughts control me and as soon as I learn meditation and the idea that my thoughts were not me and that they were these external things that I could choose to either indulge in or bat away right then I was able to really gain like a hold over my anxiety and depression that I had not before when I thought my thoughts were just like oh I'm thinking this thought it's true it's me I created it let me keep going with it yeah do you do you feel like

what how do you don't you think meditation helps you with your anger also for sure for sure but it's not it's not like Angry look I'm just randomly angry Rocking Around things I just have my physical requirements yes your money you want some fake beer it's so fun 0 I can't believe yeah I mean I don't drink and this is absurd to me that I would have a beer so fake beer it's not like you're oh I don't miss the taste of alcohol well what know who misses the no one would drink alcohol if it didn't get you amped up I was right these it is good really yeah I love it this tastes like the st. Louis Funny Bone which is a great taste it does it is like the st. Louis Funny Bone 2009 live in my best low when was the last time you drank 2011 December 9th whoa Cleveland hilarities after the show you like I'm done well I just had a couple beers to close out the evening was by myself just gonna

now you're shooting heroin I don't know what happened I well I was at a point in my life where I was like this has gotta stop because my hangovers were getting so ridiculous and debilitating for a whole day and I was just doing you know I would black out from like two drinks because my mind John Mulaney is a great joke about it where he says he would black out very quickly after a couple drinks because his mind was like we know where this is going shutting down early like if you know it's gonna be you're gonna black out your brain just blacks out earlier because every time I drink I would black out so wow I just I woke up that morning the next morning and I only had a it wasn't a hard night of drinking a couple beers but I was just the sickest I've ever been and the thing about hangovers that I really had to look at was like the best part about being sick if you're going to find the best part about being sick it's that people feel sorry for you give baby the little bit you get a nurturing from your friends and family that you don't get when you're healthy but when you're hungover no one gives you that so you're sick and you don't even get the

only good thing about being sick which is people feeling sorry for you everyone's like you piece of shit you did this to yourself so I was like in the shower Anna in the fetal position thinking this is how I should feel if I'm dying like I really don't want to feel this bad unless I am on my way out so I'm not doing this anymore and I read a book and I was done what was the book the easy way to stop drinking by Alan Carr what's the easy way easy way is you read this book and then you're done at the end of it and what he does well it used his method to stop smoking the easy way to stop smoking by Alan Carr so many people have read it it's the one book that when you've tried everything else nothing else works this book my mom quit smoking after 35 plus years so many of my friends I heard about it I think like Ellen Degeneres and Ashton Kutcher I heard a bunch of celebrities kind of talking about it I read the book and you can smoke while you read it and then by the end of the book he just promises you he goes go have a cigarette and yours like know

I don't want to but I don't need to his method is and this is thing he does with drinking any excuse you have to do that thing he talked you out of it he tells you a reason why your excuse is actually bullshit and there's no science behind it that and he disapproves any reason that you have to do it and we've been brainwashed by tobacco and alcohol Industries to believe that quitting is really hard and quitting alcohol is hard if you have an addiction you can like die from it obviously but with tobacco it's part of their propaganda to tell you that it's hard to quit smoking they are the ones pushing that method or message which seems like why would they tell people it's hard but they're doing that because if it's hard you won't quit so that has been their message to be like it's so hard to quit smoking it's so hard when really it's not the you know the the the withdrawal symptoms of not smoking last up to two weeks I think it's less than ideal

like 7 to 11 days and the discomfort caused by wanting a cigarette is the same discomfort as being a little bit hungry you're a little bit annoying it's like it's not insurmountable it's uncomfortable but it's it passes after 7 to 11 days I think it is and then it's all even when you're going through it it's not that bad but it's it's the psychological effect of thinking it's hard that makes it then hard so once he proves to you it's not that hard and any excuse you have to smoke which is like it calms me down it raises your blood pressure so that's an accurate and makes me more social actually isolate you you know if you really look at it every time you smoke you feel kind of bad people think you stink like it just every excuse you have and then he did it with drinking too I went through this book I read it you can drink while you read the book you have to want to quit to pick up the book you have to want to be like I want this out of my life I don't know how to get it out of my life and I gave this book to so many of my friends and my friends don't drink anymore and

a lot of them you know use program or other things to supplement but all I needed was this book and I was done and I'll tell you I drank every single night of my life and I never thought I could live without it it was just I was just like anyone listening that's like no no no you don't understand all my friends drink it's my life it's my social life it's my work life it was everything to me so all I look forward to yeah I'll never go like this when my friend enters a bar again like I'll never pass I'll never do that I will never greet a friend with her she's here yes yes yes yes that's that you that was me that was like that's something I miss I'll never have that kind of to drink enthusiasm anymore but because I don't drink I am fucking killing it my life changed

I can trace my career as before and after like on the dot hmm so you know it's not for everyone if you have a problem you should maybe look into it but that book seriously changed my life that sounds amazing and there was no like difficulty in quitting none it really was easy I never maybe a couple times I felt like God be nice to have a drink you know I was dating a guy that like just wanted to have a glass of wine with me and I'm like why can't I just have a glass of wine and I've been tempted and I don't think that I would go off the deep end again but but but I don't I just I go back to that book and I'm just like I just any reason I can give myself it's just really it isn't true and I'm better without it well it's definitely not true if you're drinking every night and you're blacking out yeah but if you just have a couple glasses of wine with dinner feels nice I know shh lubricant you have fun with friends start laughing and joking around but you don't have that

ability to stop there is that I could for a few months and then it would trickle into it's just the the exactly the voice you at every people are listening and I know you relate to this of you go I'm just gonna have to tonight but then that person and you go promise yourself you're just gonna have to but then you get that voice drunk and that voice is like have another come on can't you can't talk to yourself you can't plan for how you're going to feel to drinks and because you get drunk and then you it just keeps going young miss it man even have a bit about that about drunk driving the problem is not the problem is not whether or not you can drive drunk the problem is even thinking that you can drive drunk because when you're drunk you don't know what the fuck you can do or can't do yes I think that's why guys get in fights with people way bigger than them when they're drunk and they don't even know how to fight you're you're stupider yeah when you're drunk you're a fucking moron when you drunk so the idea that you could drive drunk like I'm fine I didn't even know if you're fine that's the problem yes the problem is you're drunk and that's a big part of the book is

talking to people about this liquid courage that everyone's sites I mean like I need a drink because I can't go onstage if I don't have a drink I need a drink to talk to the girl and it's not courage what you're doing is you're making yourself more stupid you're actually making yourself more I don't know if the word is correct but more your retarding yourself mmm and you're making yourself more mentally disabled careful thrown around that our word I know seriously on this it's that's a real term retarding and said is a realtor and even retarded it has nothing to do with Down Syndrome has nothing to do with disease right and we got a problem with that word yes country I can't I'm not going to call him movie the r word but I can call a mental state the r word that's cool um what about a movement that's retarding growth yeah movement is that retarding the masses retarding but not retarded

you want say retarded isn't that interesting it gets scared I thought was so strange like we can say pussy cat but we can't say pussy imagine there was like a cunt bird you know what I mean and like you could say cunt bird and everybody's like oh cool what someone's called me before

popular insult and I will get us demonetised from YouTube according to Jamie isn't that what you said do you say what they say I've heard about sober October someone said the word and that's the reason I see where they said the word two and a half hours into the podcast for the entire podcast was demonetised what we should go back and beep it see if they change it go back and put up put up with kindness I love that word a word I feel empowered by that word with some calls me a cunt I'm like really yeah you know why for the same reason when people were saying Hillary was a crook I was like good a woman's a bad person I don't even care like I'm just like yeah we can do it all I feel good there's women that aren't Crooks that don't think if you're gonna have a woman president let's have one that's not a murderer crook be cool the first one was like impeccable but I'm just saying when people were saying that argument was like good I don't even fucking care I'd like I like a strong just a a woman doing

things that men normally do I love it you know that's the same kind of argument that people use for Trump what do you mean when they say he's an asshole he's a thief who cares fuck it he's a man yeah at least he's not a politician Lisa's not a man she's a crook least she's not a man Riley can do it too yeah yeah that's a good point okay team team until okay I don't like that then like okay I take it back yeah but I did have that feeling like the word cunt though I just don't if someone calls me a comment I'm like wow I really like spoke up that the tells me I'm doing something right the real problem is words does not the real problem is people have intent the intent is the same no matter what noise comes out of their mouths words are just conveying intent when you make words bana Bowl Outlaw words you are playing a Fool's game that's a Fool's game because all words are supposed to be as tools that convey intent you can't say that that word is exactly the same every time

used without without regard to the context yes crazy because you can say that to your friend and you could both be laughing and love each other like you could say you fucking crazy cut and she's like nah and you both fall on the ground howling laughing up no one got hurt at all or you could say it to your mom and it'll cut deep I don't hurt her deeply and then it's awful it's an awful use of the word because you're just conveying your thoughts and your intent it's not a fucking sound that you make with your mouth that's the problem the problem is the way people treat each other and this stupid game that people play where they outlaw certain words are banned certain words or demonetised YouTube videos for certain words that is a Fool's game dangerous your child you're playing a child's game and history will not be kind to you you will you'll be looked at as a fuckin buffoon that's a fact well buffoon will probably be a word in five years that you will get in trouble for using right now I'm just thinking what words now are we using that are going to get us canceled

five years people of color really yeah you think people of color is good that's the that's the that's the mode is that okay when you can't say colored interesting impossible interests nonsense whoa oh nonsense yeah you call someone hired don't beat the fuck out of you but if you say people of color they'll go okay cool whoa will you baby what are we doing here this is nonsense yeah it's foolish I'm scared for all people of color like what color are we you know I'm darker than you yeah and you're probably darker than Bill Burr yeah what the fuck what are we doing what are we doing it's crazy are you worried ever I mean your your own you can't get cancelled I'm My Own Boss that helps a lot and I'm nice I know I'm not running no nice person I'm nice I'm always nice I'm nice to everybody even if you don't disagree with me I'll talk to you like I'm I work hard on being nice it

a lot to me it means a lot for me to have good experiences with people you are nice and I repeat thing people are extremely intimidated by you as was I but in the end really really nice what do you mean you have to work hard on it I work hard and being nice I mean I think with your time that you weren't nice in your life when I was young yeah I was very mean yeah but there was a because I was competing in martial arts all the time I was involved in violent things but you should have been like you said before that should have been getting it out of your system and then you would have been plastered on the road I was competing it was before I was doing comedy yeah I was competing all the time it was my and also I wasn't I was too young to understand like what was important and what wasn't important so my my eyes were entirely on success at all costs I just wanted to dominate I just wanted to figure out a way to win always and so I was just mean like you know I was in I would enjoy hurting people and that's what I was doing when I was knocking people out I would enjoy it but like it

we're trying to do it to me what about comedy haven't you approached it the same way no you don't care about I mean you've you've achieved everything that one could achieve doing come like what does have to do with being mean no I mean like you want you got off on being the best you needed to compete you you would you know I just try to do my best to Common I just try to do my best you're not looking I'm not trying to be first of all I think that like Awards or rankings or anything like that when it comes to Art is ridiculous like the this is the Emmy Award winning movie This is the Oscar award-winning this this is the fucking the Grammy award-winning song like shut the fuck up you what you're doing is this is a business and the business is getting people to see who's number one and so all these advertisers pay to watch the show or to promote on the show and people watch it I wonder who's going to win best album of the year like kids crazy there's a million great albums every year how many thousands of albums

and how many people subjectively look at those albums and say God this one really moved me this one spoke to me in a dark time yeah this one really picked up me up at the gym this I fucking love this one it reminds me of my husband or my wife and this is you know the idea that one is better than the other it's like it's so subjective it's crazy you're right I mean Liz owes album came out in 2016 and everyone slept on it until this year so you're absolutely right even know who she was until I saw her dancing around in some award show and I'm like that lady where she bust out the flute like out of her vagina where it amazing she's lit I didn't want to let I didn't want to like it looked into so much power so much power yeah she's got so much energy sexy too like I was just like turned on by the whole thing I really did you got turned on I just get like if she grabbed you by the bag and just stuffed you in there you'd be all good stuff to me down in her vagina yeah kind of like Elizabeth I would go down on Liz oh would you

hundred percent and I've never gone down on a girl although it is kind of on my bucket list it's on your bucket won't be able to say I've done it it's not something I crave but I'm going to do it what's up with my life good luck ladies whoever you are I have my eye on a couple yeah I'm having no because I know it's weird because I like do you don't have like a male gaze do what do you mean like you have your eye on them like if a guy has his eye on a girl could be creepy if the girls not into it like oh Jesus here comes this color right here comes Nikki trying to eat my pussy again fuck I test the waters and I'm like have you ever like done anything with girl because I've never even done anything with a girl so I mean I made out with my girlfriend's in high school but I was before I even kissed a boy and I just wanted to kiss it's want to try it yeah but since then never fooled around with a girl but there's some that I'm just like I can't help that I'm I'm attract I'd not I don't consider myself gay but I'm on the Spectrum somewhere I'm on then I could do it until recently

I've been like yeah I need to I need to get in there eat some pus whoo because I've never done it and I expect men to do it to me right I think I should understand what it's like and and be able to empathize hmm and no guy thinks that it straight about soccer yeah I know I know hmm maybe I should suck a couple dick so I can just get you can see what that's like just taste just lick your own finger if you get some come on it just to experience it okay maybe maybe but what else is on your bucket list um I think that's it and I really hope that I get this accomplished before I'm like dying and like 88 or something in my grandkids have to like find a nurse to squat over my fucking bed like one thing or like your old and Rich and successful some lady does not want you eat her pussy but she does want a Gucci bag

I'll definitely be able to buy that bitch a Gucci bag my face will look like one of that point yeah bucket list I do you have any bucket list things no no no you've already done them all yeah I don't have anything I everything I'm doing I like to keep doing I would like to be in a I would like to be in love and loved back as much as I love I would like to be in a loving relationship at some point it doesn't have to last forever but I know that sounds like buttons good yeah and I don't think it's it might not happen and I'm okay with that why wouldn't it happen you're not gonna die young whoa

all right you could I could totally Die Young yeah we did all that we can all get hit in the head by a meteor right now come right down something good happen the an earthquake like yeah and then I would die without having a pussy pussy in my mouth or the else love in my heart loving you and you could ever be in a relationship with a woman yeah probably yeah yeah I mean I really want a relationship with a man first you should take your own the dog collar on your neck I mean I don't want to be a sex slave I only in the bedroom do I want it I want it I don't want to be one out and about not a sex slave but in the bedroom yeah I'm down to be from against like this woman wrote me recently because she knows that I'm into like bondage and stuff like that I saw that on your Instagram yeah I are you really truly is I mean I I like it because it is forced laziness like I say my joke like it you can't do anything to a guy like and by the way it's not that I don't like doing things to men it's just that I feel like I'm not good at a lot of those things

bad Rhythm so like jerking guys off for like sucking dick I just I'd rather you do it to me fucking dick makes sense it's really hard for got to suck his own dick but jerking off I just have a joke about it like having a girl jerk you off like trying to brush your teeth with your left hand hilarious no matter what it's like you can't do it right yes ever try to brush your teeth my right hand knows where everything is so true my right hand just fucking goes yeah it knows my left hand I cannot I gotta move my head to keep up with my brush that's why I like when guys grab my head and just like MRSA take take take the Take the Wheel take the we don't know what you want but I'm getting better at it but I'm trying I've had to like give some blowjobs just out of like I need to practice when a girl can jerk you off of a girl jerked you off she's really good at you like Jesus how many guys you jerk out we can't win can we he'll know you can't now I thought you were gonna go know you can when you just gonna yeah

really good thank you for acknowledging it no handjobs I just does what I feel like fingering to like girls probably were like way better at finger no get in there I love being fingered got in the best cheese I love it no different than girls and guys girls have smaller hands thick fingers like a Mason guy who was a brick layer get them up there I don't know man get them all up there I don't mind it I just like it because it just I've never enjoyed masturbation with my own hand because I feel like it's like tickling myself like this is not make me laugh but if anyone did that to me a good guy you know right it just it I can predict my own my getting movement so I don't what about toys are you do use toys but I and I talked about one of my special particularly that's amazing that sucks your clit by the way your specials out right now right now Bangin on Netflix right now right now banging banging yeah

yeah it's good name yeah thank you like it thanks a lot and I appreciate that I worked really hard on it I wanted to call it fucking men because it's about like fucking men but it's also like about fucking men but Netflix is like no that's we want children to what I'm like for children me they were just like it's gonna make it so like children will not children but it might be more censored two different demographics of our audience and I'm like well the people that couldn't handle that title shouldn't be watching it anyway right but whatever I'm glad banging works and also I'm going on tour I just wanna say I'm going on tour January for my first theater tour the banging out tour and tickets are on sale and I really want people to go because it's gonna be all new material anyway very excited when did you film I filmed in May in May oh that's a good amount of time yeah and I felt another special the 20-minute special for the degenerate son Netflix that comes out at in December damn look at you an hour and a 20-minute one yeah well you crazy yeah I got a lot of material man I'm just

I'm on the road people go used to have so much material it's like if I didn't there'd be something wrong I'm on I perform every night I would be so bored if I wasn't cranking it out that's the key right really yes it is I don't think someone's writing but last time I was here we went on over all your notes ever I think about you all the time because I'm like I need to organize my jokes better and go over them and I just I just can't do it I just but I'm gonna try I'm gonna start I want to know why couldn't you it's be a cussing there's absolutely apia I could may I know but but it's you know it would help right yeah you would help her no but I'm killing it as is look at you you know what I mean like why fix something that ain't broked like yeah my I could be better than that's the thing no one will ever know how good I could be if I actually tried as hard as I cuz I don't try as hard as I can people go Nikki you work so hard and I'm like you don't understand how much I'm not working like I don't write down any joke it's

one word in my notes I don't go I don't listen to Old sets the only reason I record sets I record every set it so that if I died tragically that my parents can use my recordings and like make money from like my Lost Tapes I truly I gave my parents my cell phone password oh that's hilarious they can get in there and get them that is real and make some money off me you know who are here is a fucking crazy hard workers Michelle wolf oh dear God yes I heard she writes two hours every day I can't even be around her because she's always talking about jokes and writing and it makes me insecure about not writing enough Joe but you're hilarious and when you do it your way she doesn't hurt with work yeah it's it's all about how much time and focus you put on stand up and there's probably a point of no return like or diminishing returns where you put too much work into it and it feels flat and stale yes or overwriting I'm sure there were a couple jokes I did on the degenerate stapling that were brand new and I just did them not because I needed to be

because I was like these are more exciting to me than my old stuff let me just do it and then the next weekend I go on the road in the joke becomes even better I have one tags or whatever but then a week after that I'm like it's even better I've added more and it's not better the first version of it was always the best and I'm glad I put that down because sometimes it gets too convoluted and you get away from the I'm glad I got some of that stuff out there because sometimes the first time you say it is the best sometimes sometimes most of the time for me it gets better most the time for me I get better versions of it okay the only the only time that changes is when something is like really current like something happens that day when I go on stage about it that day right right yeah yeah the first time you say something is usually like you have the most energy for it maybe the second because you know it already killed once and then the second is usually yeah but for me it's the process always is getting the bit tighter and better it so it always gets better I've now it's very rare that I

bit and it's really good in the beginning and then after a few months I it flattens out usually just the tags get better and tighten it up at especially doing a lot of sets you get a sense of how it works how it doesn't work as long as you're still feeling the feelings that you felt when you wrote it because that's when it can if you can be doing in a really long time and then you're like I'm just not even this person where this came from anymore yeah but Bill Cosby I remember him on that comedian documentary saying that he writes a joke and he adds like one word and then as soon as it gets not funny he takes that word out and goes back to like and but he was also like raping everyone for like many years so hard to say what he was really thinking anything take him at his word we were just talking about this that some woman who's an attorney was saying that he may very well be the biggest serial Raper in history yes

I mean I don't know why I was excited about that I know but it's goddamn crazy it's a crazy thing like stable and you know couldn't some of those women possibly have died from od'ing oh sure it's not like he did a test on them to find out right what health situations they might have oh yeah I mean who knows what he's people have Everest reaction to medication all the time and back then it would who knows what that's what was in that stuff some women reported waking up being they didn't know how many days had passed they were dehydrated and assorted mean they woke up near death you know so I'm guessing he maybe it was you know and she would tell the truth he won't he's not capable of it but I wish you would tell the truth like I would love if like somewhat me he's so old now it's comp going to be really hard because I'm sure he thinks about his legacy and he's full of shit but I would love it if you could just say like what what was going through his head

and when he would drug them like did he think they were beneath him like what was it he had to have he had to have I think it's a celebrity thing because he always exhibited the weirdest parts of the celebrity situation like he felt above people and privilege I'll never forget he was interviewing Ron Wanda Sykes interviewed him at some award show and he chastised her for the way she was talking to him and he was wearing sunglasses inside and he just had this arrogance about him like here's Wanda Sykes was just hilarious comedian and she's great he should have been excited to talk to her but instead he had this feeling that he was like this royalty and he didn't you know didn't appreciate her language or use of language hello he draped like a hundred and fifty a man like like what in the fuck but that that sort of I'm above everyone you know I want worked at a casino and they told me that he would eat dinner and he wanted the entire staff

his dressing room to watch him eat what yeah yeah yeah the lady was really freaked out by it she goes he would have the entire crew like everyone door Uncle everyone stand there while he ate curry could eat his food and then at night that was actually more entertaining than they act he was taking around at that time because I fell asleep seeing him which was ironic I really I he came to my college and I fell asleep while you're in school though yeah but you're probably hungover hmm probably actually be honest but he also watch crawl we also had the security guard talking meant when they said this he wanted the security guard to tuck him into bed and then shut the door and turn the lights out

I mean you must see this though when people are thinking that that seems like super extreme how do you stay grounded and not think you're better than other people pretty easy first of all I do Jiu Jitsu I get my ass kicked I do a lot of difficult things that I'm not good at I think that's very important yeah do a lot of difficult things yeah but also I just don't have that attitude I've never thought that I was better than people right I'm good at certain things but it's all because of time and effort yeah you know which is not one of the reasons why it's really important to do things that you're not good at do difficult things because it reignites that part of your brain where you're learning things yeah I'm stead of just tightening up what you already know you got to remember when you first started doing stand-up and you were like so awkward at it like it so I remember I was terrible and I was clunky and every set like this could be unemotional fucking train wreck for me here we go and I was so nervous now like you know I did a set Tuesday night at The Comedy Store I go there all my friends are there were all laughing and joking I can't wait to get up there yeah I got the material already

there to see me like hey everybody what's up it's easy so I do difficult stuff a lot of difficult things that's why sometimes they get violently high before I go onstage see you as a new challenge well I'll be up there like what the fuck are you saying what are you doing like finally high like you know to the point where it's like I shouldn't be doing stand-up but it gives me a new challenge because stand-up doesn't even raise my heart rate anyway don't you think the getting really high when you go onstage opens up some weird thoughts sometimes those come in they become new bits yes all the time well a lot of people that don't drink we'll listen to you go wait a minute wait a minute you're not sober so you get high what the fuck is that yeah you just substituted one addiction for another and I'll tell you yes I did yes I did because I can't I gotta have something I was I was totally sober for several years and it felt great and I had the stamp of approval from the sober community and and I don't say I'm sober I just say I don't drink I'm very like those

are important to me because people feel so betrayed when they're like be you smoke weed um I do it because it makes me happy and and it doesn't seem to I quit drinking because it was affecting my career my career is my most important thing in my life and my relationships and but we does not negatively affected those to the point that I need to quit as soon as it does I'll be done and I'll read the easy way to stop smoking pot by a guy who's now dead so that book doesn't exist but well I think that pot is a different thing and for me I like it because it makes me more sensitive makes me nicer makes me more friendly me to have more of a sense of community like I want to hug people yeah I'm kind I'm very thoughtful when I'm high I'm like you know you can call it paranoia but I'm I'm thoughtful I'm thinking yeah people to be upset I want everybody to get along well I want to compliment people my people to feel good I like it but for this whole month I'm not doing anything yeah this is sober October right so mean arry and Bert and Tom we have

thing yeah oh and over so it's and you're reading a book it's on right now yeah we read 500 pages that's good what do you read Burke can't read bird sitting down with a book is not reading is so hilarious I don't believe it he's see it's on the honor System so I think he's probably going to throw an audio book on and just lie yeah you can't know I heard you guys talking about that no audio books because you can space out yeah like listening to a podcast no no yeah he's got a he's got a eyes to page right now I want a book report I haven't even started I haven't started any book I'm listening to a bunch of books on tape which is most of the way I can zoom books but can I recommend a book to you please okay get ready I'm ready it's called Cupid's poisoned arrow and it's about how orgasms are ruining us

and our relationships and our happiness and it talks about how I'm all for this right now and it's a wild concept and I've only read three pick three chapters of this book so just I don't have all the information but what I do know is that orgasms are this Rush of like blood to whatever your your limbic system is all fired up when you have an orgasm and everything we do in our lives to like have stability and you know kind of lower anxiety and fight depression is about balancing that and not spiking it ever so orgasms are throwing us off constantly and we're not supposed to be having this many of them men men should um here's the thing though about men and orgasms is that they they want to run right after they come it's in your DNA to get the fuck out of there because as a caveman

there was no you can't make something pregnant twice so once you came on to the next TP to fuck the girl's cousin that you just like it wasn't about you weren't going to stay in cuddle so that's why men one of them fucking run he ties up - yeah that's not really true what it's only true if you don't actually like the person if you only attracted them and horny if you're only attracted to them and horny but you don't like them as a person yeah once you come in like oh my God I gotta get out of here but if you like them as a person once you calm you like that was great they just want to hang out trust me I am actually am a knight I do trust you but I also think that there you would want to hang out even more if you didn't come that's not true really yes here's my thing though I've had a lot of instances this book spoke to me because I cannot Trace what happens between a guy liking me and not and slow fading me then

to an orgasm you're an intense person okay you're very smart you're also very ambitious and without any derogatory intent saying this at all you're a lot of work but it doesn't mean you're bad just means you're you're a powerful person you got a lot going on yeah are intense yeah you're thinking all the time you know you're questioning things you question yourself you question this and that and you're just you're a lot of work yeah some guys just can't fucking deal and maybe the right guy can you gotta find the right guy there's like everybody this is my theory on human beings like no one is for everybody there's not one person out there that's a perfect fit for everybody but if you find someone who has your the Right Slots for your hands like it fits in like this then you're good but if it lands like this where they have two things like they have big tits and you know they like to fuck but afterwards or annoying and they talk too much you gonna eat it

it's not going to work yes I'm going to work but the problem is men look men are horny all the time they're attracted to women right and then sometimes that horniness that attractiveness you get confused and think you actually liked the person and you drank seems like you're a liar but you're not a liar at the time before you come before you come you're Being Earnest but then once you spewed you like I got to get the fuck out of here this is just yappy yappy yappy yappy yappy nonsense talk I gotta get the fuck away yeah and then some people feel right but it's your meeting the wrong people some people would be perfect with the way you talk on and funny that's that's the thing in like what changed between me's us hanging out you liked me and then I sucked your dick and now you don't watch my Instagram stories anymore okay you can't ask someone to wash your Instagrams no I'm not I'm not actually asking that but it's like that's an indication of someone likes you why because I mean it's just it just means that they're check any of my friends

hands because I love dearly I don't watch any of their fucking Instagram stories because you're not you're not dating and on Instagram so like I was you what I've no I wouldn't Joe trust me okay I wouldn't maybe you're too busy but here's here's my but if you like that's how you show you like someone now in thrall them up okay I would call people yeah hang out with them you're nicer than we see him I don't want to watch you fucking eat cake on Instagram and watch your fucking boomerangs with a fork full of cake yeah you're right so not interested in that I'm busy yeah shit to do and time is Super valuable for me I'm not watching anybody's fucking Instagram hashtags no one I watch them Washington acts that's how I know when someone likes me if a guy's face keeps popping up underneath my story and I'm like oh my God he's watching my stuff is constantly works I didn't even know that's not a lot of times they're all the someone's wash your Instagram story yeah so you can flip up on them and see who is watching and I'll speak to a point like watching a lot of time

them have watched them and now if a lot of times a guy will be too busy or I'll be too busy but I need to let this guy know that I like him so I'll just flip through them very quick I won't even watch him but I want my face to pop up so he knows I'm interested it's just a way to be like hey I'm into you and it's just a way to indicate now it happened it's happened to me with a couple guys that I've really liked that they're in they're interested and then after we hook up no more and and it's not because I wasn't good at what I was doing I really don't think it's that or like why do you have an idea of what it was without asking um well I have asked and a lot of times or one time they've said and then I think it's actually tells me no a couple times actually I get there too vulnerable with me and then I've seen too much in terms of like they've let me in and Away emotionally that they've never let a woman in before and then they're like they're I remind them of the fact that

they might have cried with me or something and then they don't want to be around anymore that sounds like what I would say if I'm trying to get rid of somebody really yeah I don't think that's true oh shit yeah I mean if you really love someone and you really love being around them what do you care if you're vulnerable exactly if you do care about that you're some kind of a pussy that you're right deserve to be in a relationship anyway okay that could be it and they could why is pussy a bad word let's let's talk about that let's see yeah someone say you're a pussy like that's ridiculous

everybody that's straight males love pussy pussy A lot of girls love pussy I went to love their own pussy pussy I'm not thinking about it China that's why it's so screwy it's a screwy word yeah it's like we were talking about earlier like the with the use of words and cunt yeah yeah it's a but pussies a weird one it's like it doesn't make any sense like like pussies not scared of you like it doesn't make any sense yeah I guess so I think at I think Pussycat It's front came from pussycat you but cats are smart they get the fuck away from me yeah I don't know there's that doesn't make sense yeah they're not scared as much as they're wise if they were your size you would be fucked fucking freaked out like I'm scary hence the reason why cats are scared is because they're a little in your big yeah fuck you up like this I didn't say about scaredy-cat check out with a squirrel watch what the fuck out yes cats murder case do you know how many fucking animals domestic cats kill in this country every year oh oh oh my God billions Birds billion

billions really billion yeah it's fuck it's a crazy number they're ruthless little animals yeah I love them I love cats I do too I mean I've never had them but I got a sweet little buddy named Prince Oliver he's the best he's a ragdoll cat just pick them up and just goes limp starts on he's the best and does Marshall again get along to he's fine yeah actually it's along with everybody know everybody except squirrels squirrels squirrels are has end of class yeah and my daughter has a rabbit that you try to kill once oh yeah not good robber got away though luckily good but now that rabbits well he had to be taught like hey fuckface can't kill her out okay he's a recruiter didn't know I was just a rabbit yeah I don't know what's a friendly rabbit I'm going to see some birds after this where you going I'm gonna go to work a bird shop it's a parrot shot my friend knows about I was like I need some that's what's so glad Marshall came in today I was like I needed some animal of animal of it's so therapeutic you forget you're going on with the mouse

he's so it's so good I just want to snuggle with him he's great do you have any dogs or I had two dogs that I gave to my parents because I moved to New York City and moved to like a tiny apartment for floor walk up and I just started like wishing that they weren't alive which is like crazy just because every day yeah I was just presenting them and like finding myself being a little less kind to them not abusive ever but just not as like I love you it's just like every time I've seen them be like oh yeah I'm here to walk you like I was a bitch around them and I did in my life was unmanageable and so with them and I was paying so much money for dog walkers I wasn't even seeing them people come in and out of my house and then they were barking when I was gone they were just had didn't have good lives so I gave them to my parents and my sister I'm going to see them this weekend but I loved them so much and I wish my I wish I had a job that could have dogs in it I can't wait to like not be on the road so much

have a family like working in New York you like living and working against you yeah like doing those SATs running around doing short sets all over the place yeah I like it boom boom boom but I do that here too when I'm here laughs Factory improv comedy store so I can I want to be here and there I haven't decided yet but I'm back and forth well if you're here you could get a yard I know that's when I had dogs and I was happy part of the Whitney she's got a gang of dog I know she's got like a giraffe a couple of just got horses got a bunch so many animals yeah I want Whitney's life that Whitney was one that told me about that fucking no orgasm book Whitney save my life with a not save my life but like is changing my life with a book because I ran into her one time backstage and I was like bitch how did you get engaged why are you so happy I've known you forever I've watched you from afar in even though you Vic like you were always just you know when you and I met I moved to town in 2006 and I found her on MySpace just she had some clip up and I watched I was like she's funny as

and I reached out and was like let's be friends we do the open mic circuit together and then we kind of went our separate ways and I watched her from afar and she was always like kind of struggling with men in the same way I was then all of a sudden she's engaged and happy and save and horses and I asked her one night recently I was like what did you do and she was like I read a book and it wasn't that book it was this other book called getting to I do it's such a humiliating title but it just teaches you as a woman to like stop trying to run shit because we're so empowered as women now to be like I can have anything I want I want that I'm gonna get it and relationships don't work that way they sometimes do if you're a more masculine kind of woman which doesn't mean that you're going for a feminine guy was like well it means it means you're going for guy who is comfortable in the receiving role but most women want to have a guy chased them but us empowered women are running around like hey ask me out let's go out and it's like men don't fucking want that wailing the chicken yes that's why I'm saying those are the

in men but not even feminine men some men like strong women yes that's what I'm looking for I realized that I definitely I can't put any way this book just talks about how pick a lane feminine masculine figure out what you are and stick with it and don't try to be both in a relationship and it's it's changed a lot of my friends lives and mine room yeah just by being like okay I'm not gonna chase these guys anymore if a guy's not reaching out to me he doesn't like me wait for him to reach out to me it's pretty much the whole concept of like He's Just Not That Into You kind of stuff but it's just reminding women that men need to chase us in order to feel like they've feel like men really don't take the power away from them they're turned on by that they want to earn our love and our body they want to earn it don't you give it to them in such a generalization it is but it's based in a lot of science the book getting to I do I do

Lee yeah this this doctor wrote this book and title is fucking terrible but wait a minute how could you hide science in regards to emotional connections and relationship where is their science I forget but I'm just gonna be honest with you I don't know but evolutionary biology establishes certain roles and there's a reason for certain roles and why people pursue certain things and there's studies that have done that but it's there the problem is these generalizations and they applied one like if a girl's really hot she's chasing a guy guys are into it like we don't it's not like maybe at first but then they end up resenting it oh I don't believe that I do yeah but I'm a man but I don't trust me I'm going to trust what I've what I've I'm a hot lady that's gone after some guys I don't deserve me

I don't know if that's what it is I don't know if that's what it is I think you're intense and I think that's what scares guys off I think that's what it is okay but it's not that you would scare every guy off yeah just scare these guys that can handle intensity yeah some people can't take spicy food yeah that's what it is okay that makes me feel better it's all about compatible personalities it's all about it I'm also deeply afraid of any kind of intimacy because I have I mean if you were really breaking it down I have low self-esteem which I'm working on and ever you know you sound like you have low self-esteem you call yourself empowered and hot and you say all these good things about yourself you're out there killing him not as hot as I want to be or cook would kill to be literally kill I would murder someone to be honorable a couple if I could get away with it okay if you could look like Beyonce how many people would you murder do I have to do it by hand and do I get away with a knife if you do with a knife if it's like Bill Cosby

yeah easy I could murder him yeah yeah but I would if I could like the box I like press a button and five people died if this would be like an episode of Black Mirror it was just a room you go into a room and Bill Cosby sitting there it's fucking cataract yes and I give you this this knife okay and I say listen we can make this happen but I need you to do something for me we just go in there and take care of this monster

yes anything you can stab Bill Cosby yes and he literally is probably the only person that I could do that to everyone Harvey Weinstein mmm

I don't I mean yeah he's disgusting and yeah probably yeah if I give me the Vanity Fair about him the like Let me refresh Lee read all the accusations like I need to have it with Bill Cosby I just feel like there's been so many stories and I've really sunk my teeth into all of it to different but if you if you let me talk to a couple victims and hear what he did I mean I could do it too so many people trying to think like a tank don't like violence and that does freak me I'd rather just strangle him have his eyes pop out even more wrangling him was less violent than stabbing them I just don't like blood mmm and like Pete like Pete like even like stepping on a cockroach you're like have to hear crunch yeah I don't want that but if you had to kill mother sledgehammer

whoo that's blood to and that's like blunt-force yeah I could probably do it could you oh yeah okay good I just want I don't feel well okay good Bill Cosby what if you rape or my daughters oh my God easy to kill him easy easy I'd probably yeah I want to say what I do really good one do it slow now throw him off a roof

I would act I would actually like go in and act like I was like a fan really and be like can I run some jokes by you and have him like lecture me whoa and like just earn a little bit of his trust and then jump on his chest like a spider monkey yeah fucking shank them just fucking go to town yeah and feel good is it crazy that five years ago no one would ever think that oh I did I'm just kidding this is all pre rape no you're right I mean that would be the what an insane conversation right to have liked to imagine having this conversation 2009 no I want to kill Bill Cosby what's up the fuck is wrong with you he's America's dad there's someone right now that we could be having this conversation about that we we don't know that we don't I don't think anybody is like that not like that because I heard about that guy in 1994 when I was on news radio when I was on a sitcom there were talking about Bill Cosby drugged and people I forget who was having the conversation but they were like Bill Cosby drugs

Bo and I was like what like yeah like it was like inside Hollywood talk like on the set they were saying that someone new someone who Bill Cosby drugged he drugs women has sex with him while he would think he wrote jokes about it yes he talked about on late night TV about rope whipping a Spanish fly in someone's drink yes yeah wrote an episode of his show where he was like at a barbecue and like there's something in the barbecue sauce and the girls are kind of like yes yes it's that crazy dude you know what's been happening to me is that so I like I have been like you know talking with guys texting with guys FaceTiming like all these long-distance tough because I'm scared of intimacy whatever and I've been having these like really intimate moments with men where it's like our relationship reaches that like oh this might be something let's maybe meet up and we make plans and I find out the next day they were and I think they're like maybe on my way

to be my boyfriend and they were on Ambien and they don't remember any of it whoa I've been ambient a couple times and I don't think an end by guys that I'm like they are the drinking problem I'm finally engaging in like a sober relationship or so burisch and then they they and they don't remember anything and I'm like we made plans to go to Mexico together like you I can tell this is Priceline I can't get a fucking and refund made dinner when he was on Ambien dude thought someone broke into his house like he went to the store and got like a turkey cooked it made mashed potatoes stuffing graving did the whole thing cooked yeah and then woke up in the morning so and they were like what did you do last night you cooks like what the fuck I didn't fucking cook like I really thought someone broke into his house and cooked dinner

that sounds horrible yeah it's so bad guys waking up in relationships with me and they're like they didn't know it they're ready to go to Mexico like what with my passport doing out they in I don't like you like that little bit and then I'm like well we and I go to sleep with like butterflies in my stomach like God we finally connected a night something happened he finally saw what I saw the whole time and the next day I'll make like I'll kind of like be like so last night like one day one guy we had phone sex for the first time we were like and it felt like real sex you know sometimes it can feel very connected phone sex or FaceTime Skype sex whatever it is just kind of live um middle of the country okay yeah and I was in New York I'm gonna say Midtown with well she's getting an Uber this is crazy

we finally like got naked together on the and I was like oh my God like this is and it was never really sexual before that like there was a little flirty thing smells like when is this guy gonna make a fucking move and like and he did but he was on Ambien and blacked out the it didn't remember any of it I'm gonna lock it I was so pissed because the next day of work I was skipping around I was like dude I tell him all my girlfriend's like I've met a got like this guy is like the guy that I've been talking to them about I have a radio show so every morning I go in and like debrief my producers and like last night we like hooked up and it's happening and and then I talked to him later on and he was just like wait what are you talking about I was like

and he goes I don't really remember I didn't even know we talked last night and was it just sucked and then it happened to me recently again there's a lot of people on that shit a lot I did it recently my friend gave it to me because I guess I shouldn't say that but my I took some and I just like to say that you shouldn't say that you just don't say the friend's name yeah okay you're all right okay so fucking asshole gave you every day I was working with Bill Cosby I didn't even know he was my friend and because I was just having a really rough time I did the roast of Alec Baldwin and I was not getting enough sleep which I know you guys were talking about the other night sleep is fucking everything yeah and I had a meltdown and I had Netflix taping to do the next night my friend was like take this Ambien you're not going to sleep otherwise and I took it and it and I took Instagram off my phone and put took Twitter off my phone I cleared my room of

because you don't know what's going to happen got the best night's sleep in my life though you took all those things off your phone yeah it was like I don't know if I'm gonna get racist when I do Ambien what if that is what causes him I don't know what can happen do you plan that far ahead to Instagram off your phone so my Ambien state would have had to go into the App Store redownload it type in my you know like a lot of things yeah and so very clever thing that's very smart of you I don't want to get cancelled yet I mean someday I will want to get cancelled do you think so yeah because that's the size again like yeah Enix no not even to rise again to be like good I'm out I'm gonna go start my bird rescue or whatever the hell you know yeah it'll be I'll be okay it's very difficult to get Comics canceled unless they're doing something I know you gotta get mean even as he's which I think he got a fucking terrible deal like what happened with him was tear or what sound like a bad date sounds like one person's account of it and he didn't give his account of it and you know he just tried to stay

a supportive of me to and all that jazz but God devastated that was really got rekt by that I mean yeah really wrecked in his special is a great indication of it you see his recent special to catch an apology I haven't seen it yet but I mean he's a funny guy and he didn't get cancelled me still doing shows and everything but as his Lucy K still doing chores but those guys are an example Louis more so right he's an example because people are protesting no one's protesting as he's you know he had a bad date yeah but no but Louis to this day still getting protested like he's still like people show up at his shows they print every time he does a show somewhere they pronounced care he's fine I don't care you don't care about him or you don't like he's fine he'll be fine yeah I mean like but emotionally sure you don't care I took like emotionally I think he's going to

fun I think it's all like you're going to upset some people they're going to protest but it's not going to affect your ticket sales or how much people love you and he knows that and he's going to be quite all right it's not the people that do love him it's the people that hate him it's like there's always going to be a certain amount of people that do love you even if you're a terrible person yeah if you like look Donald Trump is one of the things that's fascinating about him to me is that he's the king of the assholes like he's an self-avowed asshole it's very obvious that he's an asshole and then other assholes like finally we've got an asshole speaking for us and they want to wear sunglasses inside well shit I mean this is this is what he attracts yeah so even if you're an asshole you're going to get a bunch of people who love you this just if you're in a public eye people choose cult leaders right they don't choose them for their positive qualities they get sucked into this idea of this person liking them and being on a team with this person and if that person is a strong person it's even more intoxicating Donald Trump's a strong person

libraries are strong people celebrities are famous like I you know everybody hates you leave but I support you there's you're going to have those right what you've done there's people out there that still that show up in our Kelly's trial and they have post signs and say we support you those bitches knew what they were in for like the really this is this is something that's going on right now to this day it's because people get incredibly drawn to someone who's in a position of Fame and power like like a Donald Trump or or anybody and Louise one of those two so it's not that the people who love him don't always love them and people love Louis before and they forgive him for what he's done but it's going to be people that don't and those people that don't they write articles and just like if he reads them it just like burns on you it hurts you it's like and he's a super sensitive guy yeah all this stuff like it's like he's going to be fine yes but it's still it's not devastating yeah but didn't he caused a little bit of Devastation in some people's lives for

for sure so for sure I for an eye and I really think like the the women the angry people who don't like him and earn are going to shows wouldn't have gone to them anyway and yet it's going to look at that Google alert for your name when you know gotta turn off that feet and 1 out of 10 articles is may be negative about you but he's doing all right I mean like I talked to him at after it one night at The Comedy Cellar and he told me some examples of things that have been said to him in public like because I just asked him I was like what has it been like for you this is right when he came out of hiding right and he told me some stories of things that had happened in public where a woman once whispered in his ear fucking piece of shit like at a you know he's at a store or something and then another one where just a woman blatantly in the street was like fuck you you know it was like oh my fucking god this is a nightmare for you walking outside your house much and I'm like does so this is easy oh no those are the only two times of the whole year and

okay well that seems manageable and he goes he says but 10 times a day people are still asking for my picture and autograph so yeah he got so I don't think he's suffering that much and I don't think he deserves to suffer that much I'm just saying I think as many people hate him as maybe would have anyway because no one can be famous for too long without people hating them you know he said a big one was a big one was that Parkland thing that joke that he made it got released he said that that really really fucked him up the response to that because it was after you know he had just started to stand up again after 10 months off and then he did that joke about the Parkland survivors about like why are they interesting and because you pushed up fat kid in front because you survived like you're laughing see it's a fucked up thing that someone would say at a comedy club when you take that out of context they know then people get angry at it but that is a classic Louis CK line I mean that sounds

exactly like we want to celebrate him for it before a hundred s whole thing a hundred percent now he's walking a fine line he can't also the very Beginnings that embryonic stages of a bit and that bit because the monster bit totally yes it you're so right that was the first ten incarnation of that ya know stand up at all for 10 months and then he's got this bit and he's working on it and he's got an angle the angle is why are we these survivors just because they survived doesn't mean they're interesting that's--that this true love it it is true great bet it could have been an amazing bit but some fuckhead had a record it and then put it on YouTube and then you got guys like Judd Apatow yelling out about it like as if this is like Louise final statement on the subject and it's this attack especially by other Comics like that I found that whole thing to be so fucked up it's like you know what a bit is yeah and you know when someone's trying like don't you ever try out new business man I'd said some stuff on stage ride I even say to the crowd listen

didn't come out right yeah it was the first don't please don't tell anyone that I just said that will you all be just cool of course so I definitely understand that and I understand saying things that make people feel really sad and angry and they feel hurt by it and they write mean things to me saying that I've heard their feelings and it feels shitty and when people hate you it feels so I do feel for him that way I do and that's why I asked him like what is it like yeah you're the most beloved and then you were hating I mean that's got a fucking suck it's got me said he would have gone done that he would have gone to Africa to disappear or whatever you know somewhere to disappear but his kids he couldn't leave yeah and so we just had to sit around with it so I've got to be super hard I sympathize alright can empathize with that for sure and that would suck and I'm not immune to getting fucking cancel and I'm sure I've said shit before that just waiting to resurface that shit on that roast them

scared to do the rose I was like this stuff isn't gonna age well know what the hell were going you know yes it's scary you went hard in the paint oh dude I was I was supposed to go so much harder to know Ali yeah I had to cut a lot of joke why'd you have to cut a lot of jokes because Caitlyn Jenner didn't want us talking about her car crash

so Jesus Christ was like the bulk of my material don't be here I know she didn't even know that it was possible that we were going to do that oh my God I was like I think that I know Comedy Central told me they're like listen we don't think Kaitlyn knows that those jokes are coming and I was like will you tell her or will someone give her a heads-up like and they're like we don't want to alert her because she might not want to do it now so who decided to not do the jokes I was doing the jokes around town to get ready for it like I was going like Caitlyn Jenner such a beautiful woman you killed with your car for years ago you know stuff like that right I loved you on keeping up with the car crash Ian's just like different things I love that you love that you're a woman that can't mend straight yet you still managed to have blood on your hands like great jokes and don't menstruate you can't menstruate menstruate menstruates right yet you still managed to yeah

get your period but you still managed to have blood on your hands and um and I was taking it and they were like my favorite jokes of my set they like did this like work the best I was working the setup for like a month before and who told you to not do them well comedy Central's strongly advised me not to they never said you can't they've never said that to me which is decided not to because Caitlyn Jenner heard the morning of they had a call with her the morning of the roast that she had heard apparently someone's doing jokes about me and my car crash and if they do if I hear the our single that was a very devastating thing that happened to that family and a woman lost her life and if there's a joke about it I will walk and an awesome that's what I told Cam you Central there would've been awesome before I heard this I was like if she gets upset because they were like if she gets upset there might be a moment where you know she the cameras go to her and the problem is I was going first

I was doing all the jokes about the car crash now if I would have upset her first off then the whole shows thrown off and it's weird in the room I said would be great that press is good press gonna get written up so much more you guys come on you should have said yeah whatever and just went up and did it I was going to Josh I was gonna go just don't put the jokes in the prompter because then they haven't signed off on it I'm going rogue you know so go Rogan so I so I went up or so that morning I woke up and I was still kind of like maybe I'll do a softer version of those jokes I was gonna I was gonna mess tweak them a little bit I was going to say Caitlyn Jenner what a beautiful woman you accidentally killed with your I was gonna have the word accidentally yeah just to like soften it and make it more factual yeah and then Comedy Central called and they said that she had said she'll walk and that's when I decided I'm not going to do it I don't want to this woman to walk off stage I don't want it I don't want to really I just think it's so strange that were calling her a woman really love it I love

chaos of it like I'd let this love this woman like oh yeah it's not a not a man anymore I'm so proud of myself when I don't even have to think about it anymore because for a while it was like make sure you say woman make sure you say changed example of it because she's such a dummy like when she talks it's just like it's so it's like disappointing like I wish you had more insight on it like there's there's women that transition there's a brilliant the other day just like dumb men begin to transition to women and then there's something like these amazing women have a dumb guy he was a dumb guy he was he was a male Kardashian and then all the sudden is like celebrated Marvel Grinders one more volatile my Wonder Woman of the Year huh you know what but the best purpose that he serves she serves for those Kyle donegan's Instagram feed oh my God Kyle does it that's another thing that Comedy Central cut out Comedy Central was doing a Kyle Dunnigan show where I was all like faceswap shit yeah and he had a

it were where Caitlin was fucking Donald Trump and she was on top of Donald Trump it was goddamn hilarious you showing it to me yeah I was in the The Green Room of The Comedy Store crying I mean crying Latin he's like coming Central cut that Mike no no these are the can't do it what what what are you talking about you know you gotta face wipe show no one was naked it was she was just on top of Donald Rogers or or you know he doesn't have been so good he's genius he's genius genius the the funniest part one of the finest people I'll ever know for sure the funniest ever Instagram yes agree sure yes his Instagram street food held on again yep I go to it every couple of days because it takes a while for him to create the yeah I know she's doing every day I get so excited when he gets a new one on he's given Kim Dylan on there make me laugh a lot yes yes yeah awesome weed is Megan McCain so funny and tip because Tim is gay because he's like this he like he looks like he'd be a frat boy but then you find out of these guys like won't get away with a lot more

he really can he is great and he's sober which is crazy like this guy's got to be on hard drugs when he's doing that Meghan McCain impression like what kind of drugs this guy on nothing so right she's on air-breathing are drinking water he's keto now so oh yeah you need heat up oh my God guys well he got freaked out by a couple people's health issues what he's got a new one what is he doing oh my God this is was see some think want to thank Beachbody for making me their spokesperson use their products and to beginning and my triathlete

a lot of weight though yeah good for him good and I'm keto he got scared you said well yeah I mean you know he's he's very high very heavy and you know he just was realize either fucking Megan we can give me a Megan we can't yeah

on the panel who held up a Boston Market

it talked a little bit about guns okay a lot of people in the media have never shot a gun in certainly never masturbated with one they have no idea what the fuck they're talking about my guns not for sale but my pussy is and the price is PF Chang's and his friends used to hunt me in the backyard I would run around and they shoot at me and my father said if we hit her the only thing that's gonna come out as whipped cream he was hilarious scene is the most popular gun in America and it's the only thing that's ever made me come on tell me what guns I can owner what people he's fucking nuts and is no not seen that oh yeah you know it no she seemed that poor Mega to have seen that yeah yeah my God he yeah he's a we're talking about the so anyway I just decided not to do the jokes because I didn't want to upset her and it was it sucked because it would have been nice to know leading up to that right because I Was preparing but yeah Gars I just didn't want to I don't want to

people feel bad on drugs I'm gonna walk yeah mon what do you expect I mean you had Alec Baldwin's fucking daughter come up and tell jokes about what a horrible daddy is no and you can't you can't own up to the fact you crashed into someone yeah so what did you make any jokes about her oh yeah I I said I just made fun of the fact that she was a terrible father one point in like abandon one of our families to go do a reality show so I really leaned into that I did yeah she had Brody Jenner and a couple others the fuck is Brody yeah he's the most famous of her sons oh yeah but she had a whole family before the Kardashians that like she didn't watch grow up even though they were just like down the road down the PCH yeah do you know that for a fact yes yeah it was like an episode of the Kardashian sisters like I wasn't around for your lives and yeah and but she was like so nice during the when I was doing the joke she was like so happy about all the jokes about her abandoning

family she was like I love them what's the death one that she has a problem with yeah yeah is that was it was weird because it happened during the celebration of her becoming a woman yes she was right in the thick of the transition and they had a settlement she settled I think there was some kind of fault who knows accidental but whoops he did not want to relive it who would write but listen I had a guy with my car once did yeah I almost killed him it was terrible as you're walking no he did not walk right after I mean on the street when you hit him garbage man picking up collecting across the street jumped out from the car didn't see him I was 16 just got my license and he flew up on the hood and flew into the grass I thought I'd killed him and it was terrifying and he sued me for years later right under the statute of limitations and I had to go to court and then it came out on the stand that he was a child molester and so I won whoa was kind of fucked Karma yeah

yeah your car right person you pick the right fucking person I hit the car holy shit he's a child molester have you ever almost killed someone no no luckily yeah fuck that's crazy yeah it's made me a better one time you know in a fight in a martial arts fight I knock this guy out he never got up and I started thinking that could be me because they took him away to the hospital and I went back to talk to my instructor and he wasn't there it was in Anaheim California and I was living in Boston we food back to Boston after the tournament and he said to me I heard you had a really good knock out with his thick Korean accent and said yeah go it was it was really scary because he never got up I go with him because I thought he was dead and he goes

sometimes they die jeez I just walked away like he used to train troops in Vietnam like he was like an intense guy and I was like sometimes they die holy shit I'm them them is me well I could die I was 19 and I remember I never thought about the same way again I know I never thought about hitting someone the same way again because it was one of those boot like sometimes you hit someone and it's like a perfect shot like the hit them they were running it he was running toward he was coming at me and I kicked him with something called a wheel kick we has a crazy amount of power we spin around and you hit someone with the heel of your foot it's a heart my he'll hurt for days she was limping walking from hitting his head yeah it was rough have you ever been hit in a way that you're like that could be no no no I've been dropped and I've been rocked and I've definitely been hit but I've never been knocked unconscious and not like that that was a bad one he was like face be face-planted was snoring I've seen a lot of people get knocked out like you

checked on him recently I have no idea who he is wow I've no I've no idea what happened to him even CTE probably murdered his whole family at this point no a hundred percent he got brain damage what's hundred percent what hundred percent whoa Jones no way you didn't oh my God no he didn't but could that happen to you of course it could have happened absolutely but it happened to you now and the way that you're fighting don't do it anymore I do Jujitsu not right but it's producers not striking do this is not it's not like kick and this was not like sparring this was a fight this is in the US Nationals wow is the Massachusetts state champion and he was a champion I think he was from Illinois and so he was the Illinois state champion did you get like so much pussy back then from being like from winning fights where they're like groupies no there's no group no no I got the opposite of pussy I was always training I wasn't yeah yeah I wouldn't even have sex with my girlfriend in the the dojo

wouldn't like she owns it was I was teaching there so like once she was horny and she's trying to hook up with me like I was I had to go up there to do something clean or something I forgot what I had to do but she's trying to am I can't don't like this is not we can't do this here like this is not this is never gonna happen here which is like I would fuck aren't Alleyway fucked her on a bus if no one was looking but not in the dojo out there no it's actually in Korean it's called dojang they would call a dojang but no I didn't get any pussy I mean other than my girlfriend at the time and then when you start comedy like so much yeah dude that was crazy I was the crazy thing it's like all sudden girls actually like me like instead of me liking them

I'm rejecting me because I was basically a loser you know even though I was like a successful martial artist I had no money and no future prospects and there was no promise to me you know it's like where's this guy going to see this for yourself eventually like not exactly this I'll maybe but like know just being happy successful know did you really felt like a loser like what the fuck am I gonna do yeah wow I just have extreme social anxiety believe it or not like that men of manifest itself as I was telling people about like the bank teller thing was a weird one for me I always get super nervous talking to bank tellers I got to be in line there's like three people in front of me and like three more people I'm going to talk to the lady wow more people going to talk to the lady you know get weirded out I'd get I had pretty extreme social anxiety I think I just didn't have good self-esteem I just thought I was a loser and then what made you do stand-up um well I had friends from my Martial Arts days the talked me into it and said you were funny and because I would make

mm laughs when we were on our way to like competitions everybody was so nervous you know because these are full contact tournaments and people got knocked unconscious all the time like my friends got knocked unconscious although I mean we I've seen so many people get fucked up and everybody would be tense so I would be the guy who broke the ice I would be making everybody was like Gallows humor I'd make everybody laugh yes and then my friend Steve who I'm still dear friends with this day he Steve Graham he said you should be a comedian and I was like there's no way man you think I'm funny because you're my friend I go the things that I think are funny everybody else is gonna think I'm an asshole like that's just fucked my sense of humor was fucked up but he talked me into it and then I went to an open mic night and then I realized that oh Open Mic nice everyone sucks like you're just trying to start out like if there were all amateurs so my thought was like well at least I won't be as bad as the worst guy you know I'll probably better than the worst guy so maybe I could try this and then I went up and I did it and then

once I did it once I knew I was going to do it when did you stop feeling like a loser a couple weeks ago yeah then I'm not convinced do you secretly feel like do you do you are you insecure still are you struggle with self esteem at all no not really not really not yeah but I used to definitely have imposter syndrome you know like even when things are really good like I go to a sold-out theater in like they introduced my name and like as I was walking out and people were cheering I believe this is not this is not seeing real I'm tricking these fucking people once again yeah you know and even when it was over I really cool trick them again you know yep it's weird it's I think that's healthy though because the idea of being a famous person or being a celebrity it's it's a crazy state that doesn't it's not supposed to exist you're not supposed to be able to go to a place where 10,000 people have paid money to hear you talk for an hour I mean that is fucking bananas that doesn't exist in

nature it's not a normal state for a human being to be able to manage so if you thought like that's normal and you deserve it and it's not special and strange than I think that that would be weird right I think it's special and strange always but appreciate it I think that's the way to do this appreciate so I mean I know I can do it but the reason why I know I can do it because I do it all the time and I work really hard at it yeah so I know I show up that I know I have my ACT ready I know I prepared I don't take it lightly yes it means a lot to me if you feel the same way if I've worked hard enough I feel like I deserve it but if I'm if I don't if I've had a lazy week and I'm performing and I'm making big bucks for a big deal and I haven't even looking up looked at my set list or just I feel guilty and I feel imposter this way that I combat impostor syndrome is like I had a therapist one time say who do you think that you are that you can fool all these people you think these people are that stupid and you're so smart and you're tricking all

so I try to remind myself of that like when I think these audit this audience doesn't fucking know how untalented I am they're just here because they think I'm something I go who do you think you think you're smarter than these people these are smart people they know what they like well your audience is smart people but let's be honest there's a lot of dummies out there they got it they've tapped into whole river a fucking idiot yes that's that's real too yeah idea that just because you have a lot of people come to see you that you really good that's nonsense no you have to be good people always are like other comedians are so mad at comedians who are hacks that have huge followings and I'm like dumb people need to laugh too it's like dumb movies yeah sure dumb movies everyone needs entertainment how many my ETA movies are there the oh yeah look fucking 80 of them right yeah ever try to watch one of those things no give you brain damage yeah yeah I'll change your life have you have you actually tried us yeah we should watch some clips yeah I mean what

movies that are like look that's I don't mean to pick on that guy I mean he's doing great used to be a homeless person I just got a star on the Walk of Fame congratulations to him it's not my kind of movie but obviously a lot of people love it there's a lot of movies that are for little kids that if you watch them they're terrible like I watched kids I watch movies with my kids and I was like Jesus Christ is movie is awful and they're like yeah it's not for you it's for nine-year-olds yeah I think it's hilarious not everything is going to be for you and I think yeah I just have to instead of getting mad like why is that person so successful I just go well Their audience needs that and they've they're not going to enjoy you they can't and not because they're not smart enough it's just like I don't know I don't speak to them and I can't speak to everyone and that's frustrating wondering why other people success or wondering why other people are successful is the Refuge of losers yes it's a loser mentality it's a loser occupation it's a it's a it's a loser practice because you're wondering why other people are successful

who gives a fuck you can say you think it sucks but to spend time wondering why someone is successful and hating on some unsuccessful it doesn't do any good it's like what does that old expression that jealousy is it's a poison that does the opposite of its intended doesn't affect the other person at all but it poisons yourself yeah waste your energy and time it just is so it's so indicative that you are insecure yes it's like people don't realize how what a giveaway that is when they are talking shit you're just like this is just showing me that you fucking don't like yourself well I figured out there's something that I figured out personally and that I try to relay this and I try to be more clear and more concise the way overlay it the way I look at it is that your mind you have a certain amount of bandwidth

is why I don't read Instagram comments or Twitter comments or YouTube comments like I mean time if I read them it's an accident but it to seek them out like you have bandwidth I don't spend time wondering why I hate things or hating things are hating on someone or being jealous you have let's say let's call it units you have a hundred units of bandwidth in your mind so that means there's a hundred units so you can spend on things you care about or you could let your mind be occupied by some stupid fucking Twitter feud that you're in with some idiot you don't even know and you could spend 30% of your Twitter ban where your mind bandwidth on this and then you only have 70 percent for the things you love and then maybe you're involved in some fucking relationship with someone who's an idiot and you're arguing back and forth with them well there is another 30% that's gone now you got you have 40% left you have 40% for the things you love instead of a hundred percent

but if you only concentrate on the things you care about that means something to you and learn how to do that like you were talking about meditation yeah it's a form of meditation yep because you're learning how to avoid the little road bumps in the ditches on the side of the road I could suck your bags whack your bandwidth you give them just a little bit and go okay no no but before he could lean in like how you saying when you stop drinking all the sudden your career took off started doing well because man with you add more bandwidth and you know Less Problems yes problem that you had that was rotting you away no longer existed so now I'll send it frees up your time and you realize oh my God there's so many funny things that I could talk about and I have so much energy and I'm so healthy I could just go on stage and have fun and then you're killing it when was the last thing that you go no got it like you maybe gave it a little too much bandwidth do you still struggle with those things know I don't not really anymore but it's been a gradual process like remember the first we do have been a jealous dude in stand up like

first started out you had to have hated the guy that was getting head like right I don't know any female comic I definitely wasn't the beginning yeah what happened to that you get successful and it didn't happen I feel like before I was successful before I was successful I realized it was stupid long before because when I was like an amateur I would see guys that were killing and and I'd be like fuck him like why is he doing good like that guy sucks and this guy sucks and you know why how come he got this and he got that and then I remember thinking like this is a gigantic waste of time I got into comedy because I'm a fan of comedy and my concentrating on people that suck or being jealous about people that are doing well does me is zero good but instead if someone does well I can be inspired and I can get fired up by it I mean I figured this out my early 20s I was like okay this is and I have a poor way of looking at it because it's a martial arts thing because in martial arts like you can't be jealous of someone else

is ability you have to realize you might have to fight them someday so by realizing that they're really good you you are forced to be objective about it and you have to go to work like you have to go fuck that guy is better than me I got to get better and you have to go to work right there's no there's no positive benefit in under estimating someone under estimating someone will get you fucking killed like literally you're gonna give ya a shin smashed in your face like you don't want to ever find yourself that the things that you're jealous of them for aren't really that's good right that will get your that will get you killed yes oh that's great that's it dude that's totally it because the things that I get jealous of or have and I'm better about it now than I've ever been but you know you see other women I mean my jealousies are always with other women it's just the way it is and I have to fight it and I'm really good about it now to be like actually inspired by women who are funnier than me but that's awesome but it and to use it to be like okay then I need to

be better I need to get up to that level that is I need to go home and write it like fires me up as opposed to like why and it's powerful for everybody it's powerful for them it's powerful for you yes it's like there's no negative aspect to it it's like you should be thankful that there's women out there that make you feel uncomfortable yeah like when I see someone just murder on stage fuck I want to go to work yeah right I want to get home and right yeah I want to I want to go perform like fuck that guy just killed or holy shit you just crushed she's out there killing it and he's doing so good it makes me want to work harder and in that sense long someone's not doing anything bad as long as someone's not victimizing someone what they're doing is they're they're they're showing you that it's possible to do better than you doing yeah that's good you need to see you need to know that the second you get comfortable and you think you're the best and there's nothing to well you I'm sure you've gone into a town and like there's local Comedians and there's like a guy who's like a funny local guide he's terrible because the community sucks he had because there's no one there there's one pushing them

fucking need each other that's well work has so many killers that's what happily has so many killers because there's so many of us whenever I go back and forth to different coasts it's like you just the styles are so different but like when I moved to New York you you had to follow David tell you're gonna rise yeah you have to you have to or you're gonna drown yes so it's I'm always encouraged by being around better people I always want to follow when people are like I don't want to follow a tell I don't want to follow Chappelle or whatever it's like no I do have to because it's it's a challenge and yeah it's inspiring I wanted to get back to the fact that I wanted to think of what's the last thing that derailed you in terms of bandwidth you were about to answer like what's something that you had to kind of get out of your life not as one instance but it's a slow progression and also my career like I became successful during the time of the internet came to be yeah so it was all happening like people being able

the comment on you and say things that was all in completely new thing and everyone had to learn how to navigate those Waters because at first I would treat people that were saying something online like a Heckler like if someone would Heckle you and say something and then you'd be like what fuck you and then you would own them right like you think I'm peeing like in the early internet days that's what people did like they would have these flame Wars that we call it where people just like go back and forth with each other and you would let you as a sport lot more of that yeah there is no it's a waste of time yeah not only is it a waste of time you then you realize like no this isn't a Heckler this is a like you're getting a message the world can't hear it like so you have to decide if you're going to concentrate and then put all your energy and broadcast to the world that you're involved in this this altercation with this other person it's fucking pointless yeah we see it all the time with people people get sucked into these traps I see it with Fighters like UFC fighters all the time they getting these fights with fans like someone will say something to them and they'll they'll reply

and then it will be a good time to reply to me and it's a waste of time and it just took a while to realize for me what's positive ones negative it doesn't mean I'm immune to criticism or that I don't deserve criticism like everybody does and there's times where you're going to misstep or you're going to say something that's not correct or foolish or not as funny as you thought it was when you were thinking you were going to say yeah that's just part of being a person but to engage constantly in swimming into the deep Waters of other people's criticism and opinions random internet people it's like God damn it that's so much bandwidth it's so much so much you could use a hundred percent of your bandwidth on that and some people do some people go God damn crazy and that people that are just like Googling themselves and reading their own in Internet comments all day long and just going crazy and fighting with people all day long and going crazy and you know it gets

and no matter how much you're like fuck this guy it gets I was doing like a live Instagram yesterday on the way to the airport talking to some fans and one guy was like wow you look a lot better with makeup because I was like no makeup on looked like you know shit and and I go fuck you your black got them out of there and I go I'm on I'm gonna be honest with you guys it's gonna bother me the rest of the goddamn day because this guy just said what I actually think about myself that no one actually saying to me and that's when it hurts is like when someone Nails something about you that you're like I secretly think but it's probably just me no one else sees it and I had to admit like I'm I was gonna think about that later and it might make me not do one of these again because I don't want someone to say something like that and bring it attend to it everyone's attention it's so much I've since the last time I was here we talked a lot about my obsession with looks and being pretty or ha

or whatever it is I've let a lot of that go but it's still it's still there it's really hard to overcome and you're a hot dude I mean how do you let go of that as you age I mean like you're like you know like you've you definitely have some value wrapped up in your looks as someone who's attractive and fit and I think it's different for a man than his for a woman because there's a lot of ugly dudes with hotwives because the ugly dudes are successful yeah there's very few very few ugly women with hot husbands and then there are the guys are gay yeah because why would a man ever be with a woman less attractive than him well this men that are with women that are less attracted with them because they're interested in their personality or their sense of humor that's real yeah but the the disproportionate love that some disgusting older men have and with hot women like Lil Duval okay you know they'll do Viola I fucking love that dude he's got

something on his Instagram pull this up it's this guy in a tub and he's like this older dude and he's got this young lady that's sitting on his lap in front of him and he she's asking him what she likes and him I just play this out we'll play this because it's fucking hilarious play this watch this watch this watch this let just listen to this

Leti attitude you're physically attractive and it takes a lot of things to make a person to like somebody okay you need physical attraction you the base until your sense of caring person by cocking cute and only I can learn more about use by doing things with you and I like to try and do that now listen I'm just saying I just want to be taken care of and I'm gonna go to like the Chanel store not a problem with your shop I don't want to bathing suits in Kmart that was your choice because you want a beer no because there's like we're not too far from from all those stores where there's like better stores I just I'm not gonna find anything that fits me and Kayla okay so you're going to take me shopping right

you got it to get Stars what do you like about he's like Insider Slidin almost 70 it looks to me yes and not really a handsome Robert Redford out seven doing everything to not look in it and she looks like she's about 30 and lean and her tits are floating above the water yeah hallo yeah see that's what I'm talking about that's possible that's real that's real lip that flip that no weight doesn't exist doesn't exist anywhere in your old lady with a hot lean young man Joe I've been having a lot of young dudes coming after me like well you're young still I know I'm 35 but I've been having will young guys like a mature woman who still hot who's like physically fit yeah and smart and interesting like it's feel weird about it though dirty lady I know I feel fetishize know right like I'm an old lady I don't want anyone to be like Koger

35 35 and I've got like twenty two year olds 20 year old it's getting pretty low that's awesome really yeah get on top choke them I think I'm drunk you don't know whatever you need to know why don't I - eyes but it's not weird I just don't want to be an old I don't want them to only like me because I know what way too much fuck you think way too much are we stopped I don't know but about that kind of shit like just enjoy it who gives a shit that's also one really positive aspect of drinking that it I mean I'm telling you dude if I still drink I would hook it up so much like what how old are you 19 crummy mama's pussy I really miss drinking for you're so right I think so much because yeah man that was only way I used to have sex was to drink right and now it's just so difficult for me I have to find some you actually like and then that's scary because that was that could be intimacy so I am stuck between

Timothy and banging and I haven't had sex since May whoa it before that even longer slept with one person I said take care kober it's October October June July August September October 5 months five months of my literal like best-looking year of my life wasted hmm and I don't understand that are you meeting guys it's not that I can't have sex it's that I won't let myself because I get too attached to people and I feel like it's it so you worried that if you do have sex with them that it's going to be too much they'll not they'll stop watching my Instagram Story the next day and I will be so sad you should not have an Instagram I'll feel that way you won't have that problem well they'll stop texting me they'll stop something will stop and I will feel so so sad and I'm avoiding that that sadness

sleeping with someone too soon I'm a doctor here and it just yeah it sucks yeah I think just you're just interacting with the wrong people yeah I mean I don't know who's the right person for you you know I know you never really can tell no you can't let me just know when it happens yeah however but it seems like she's just super nice purse how did you meet her met her at a bar really where Texas and oh God it's like Matt Damon that's how he met his wife I don't know why I just love to know how people met their wives you you have to find someone first of all it's going to be able to deal with the fact that you're a comic right yes you're dating other Comics which out am well that's good I guess everyone's like don't do that like how am I not going to cigar and Christina pazsitzky one of the best couples that Moshe Kasher and Natasha Leggero green and red yes great couple great couple it's possible and obviously they're the people that are going to understand you yes I understand what you do but like a regular

food is going to have a problem with you being the funny one like a lot of dudes have a problem you know but sometimes some people like are fine with it like Eliza Eliza is husband he's a chef he's super chill great guys awesome I know he really is so chill he just like hangs like it's a perfect complement to her personality yeah so Brash and outrageous and you know and she's so powerful and he's just like mellow dude you know it was like hanging out and you know it's like they work together he's not a weak man he's just calm you know and they work together right you got to find someone like that you gotta find someone who complements your personality in a way yeah but it's just like I don't know how you meet someone like that when you were a girl comedian I think women comedians it's a unique requirement that you have for other people because the thing where men always want to be the center of attention right the man wants to be the alpha they want to be the one who's talking

like clink clink clink ladies and gentlemen we have you know Bob's gonna give a toast if you want to be that asshole and when you got a wife or a girlfriend who's a fucking way funnier than you not only she funnier than you she's fucking funny professionally yeah I'm funnier than yeah everyone that isn't a comic and then a lot of comics do like it's like it's people like you need to come and I'm like I'll be funnier than to it's hard it's but it is hard and you're so right about that like I see how much pussy men get thrown at them doing stand-up because and even I get wet for stand-ups like I know the tricks and I'll be watching a guy with like killing there's is there so much attraction when you see an audience all like watching this dude on stage and he's commanding them with laughter and telling you know controlling their emotions you just get wet for it because you're like he's it's cavewoman brain it's like he's our tribe leader right right right the leader I need to fuck him he's gonna protect me during wartime like

that's the difference between men and women because men don't get that when a woman shut up yes this bitch up I could just be in the kitchen yeah I remember Theo Von telling me recently he was like I hated your comedy and I'm like what why is like I did not like you when you and I go well I've always been funny so I don't understand in your community you're funny scene funny nose funny he's like it wasn't that it was just like your voice like reminded me of like my mom or something is my mom's always yelling at me and I was like there it is he even was like I can't believe I'm saying this to you and I was like I like it because yeah we remind you of your mom's female Comics if you had an overbearing mom telling you like it is what it is all the time shut the fuck up ladies I would hate female Comics if I had them an overbearing mother so I empathize with that Theo is so crazy though so fucking crazy so crazy he's funny though he's just so ridiculous he is so funny well he's so funny like he's so Theo like I don't know anybody that has his style even remotely

Styles so uniquely him it's so hard to be that unique and you watch him near like yeah this isn't cultivated this isn't this it's who he is just who he is how he and he was able to that's not easy to do is be as funny as you are with your friends on stage and he's worked really hard at it and he's just he's nailed it man well he's just I don't know he's just got this thing that when he's funny like like Brody had this thing like yeah like if you wrote the things down that they say on paper it's not funny but you see them in person you fucking dying they just figure out a rhythm of a rhythm of Comedy that just didn't exist before them yeah Brody is like it was unfortunate with some of the clips that were going around of him to like that people saw for the first time where he would do like late night he wasn't the Brody that we all talked of as um saying well those late-night spot never no one understands you have to be in the room first of all you have to realize that this

a fucking two o'clock in the morning set of a show that started at 8 p.m. yes I mean and also like and I don't know if you agree with this but my take on stand-up is even anybody that's even the most brilliant comedian when you watch them on a special it's 70% as funny as if you see them live maybe always might be less might be last B 60 percent so you're nailing it yeah I've never liked someone more on a special than that done than I've seen them live possible when you're there there's a crackling in the air when someone's on stage is a feeling when you're in the room with them and they're saying it live like there saying like the part of what stand-up is is it's happening right in front of you when you watch a Netflix special you know that shit took place in may like if someone watches bang and I'm sure it's hilarious yeah but you know it happened in May you're not in the room it's a re-creation it's a re-creation of something it's

you're so right I forget how great stand-up can be sometimes to just watch because I'm just I do my set and I leave but sometimes you just like hang out and watch people it's so good it's great I fucking love it good I still love it you're always watching your good about that I would watch it and I try to blow up people that are coming up yeah up-and-coming yeah same yeah we were watching how do you how do you pronounce your last name Laura beats is that I say like I've never heard so on my Instagram page the other day me and cry sure we did a set in the main room sold outside the main room and then how do you say your last name

Jesus Christ she's funny though she was performing in front of 12 fucking people in the OR and Burt and I said let's just sit down and watch some company for a while and she's murdering and Adam idiot had been telling me about how do you see Laura larr yeah itz okay itz fucking murder yes murderer and so while we're on stay a while she was on stage there's 12 people the audience and the audience doubled during the time she was on stage lar deit Z is I'm telling you the fucking plate we were dying yeah murdering and this is what you did that's already in 1:30 a.m. spot dude I gotta see her she mean that's what the comedy store is all about yeah it's like one day you're going to see that girl she's going to have a Netflix special and you're going to say I remember I was at the fucking commie store it was 1:30 in the morning the show will like we're thinking about leaving in this lady

up and murdered stand-up is so great I'm so lucky I stumbled into it if you took that clip and then made a video out of it and put it on YouTube in a tiny little screen you watched on your phone you're not going to get the real feeling that Burt and I got sit in the back of the room watching her she's not gonna get it you gotta go see comedy live fuck yeah that's what basically specials are right there like ads like yeah we're just we're showing people how good we are so they'll come see us live yes it's way better life but ads are never yeah it's never as good as the movie yeah it's I always tell people to go to shows alone because I feel like so many people miss out on going to see comedy because they people go to shows a little ways why because dude so many people aren't going to your shows because they can't find friends to go and they feel like losers if they go alone and really yeah a lot of people don't do things like because they think oh if I can't find a date or I can't find it friend then I'm not going to go so many people miss out on stuff and it's like I encourage people

go alone because I think it's so cool it's also better because you want to check in on whoever you brought with you because I don't you just sort of like I don't want to go alone so you pick a bunch of people that you're like or what if they don't enjoy it and you're checking in on them and if you laugh too hard at something that's that you're like oh no they think I relate to that too much and you're worried they'll time when you go alone your fucking free you but I ain't too much thinking too much on behalf of people who are missing out on shows because they feel insecure about going alone go alone it's so cool I've never thought that once you think so much Joe Rogan I never thought that thinking yeah but I mean go by yourself no one wants to go with you but if not go with your friends but what if you don't have friends get some friends no no people don't have friends job they should have friends they I know they should make it from Friends well I think they should go to a show alone and make friends with other people going alone boy how do you find them maybe you try to make friends with someone in there with your wife okay fuck get away she's in the bathroom yeah trying to make

friends with people that are with somebody else and like hey man this isn't a place to make friends Praises see a show well my shows are I'm just connected to people last night that are going alone to my show you know has like the record of the most people that buy single tickets whoo Marc Maron oh that makes sense totally makes sense yeah I want to clip that kind of alienated he's that guy you know he's alone in a shed connections cats he's not in the shed anymore got a new spot okay yeah moving on up like The Jeffersons but that's that's the thing like I've had people say hey if I come to your show by myself my loser Mike know I've got two things by myself yes go do things by yourself the wrong with it things by yourself but also find some friends it's so hard some people don't have friends need to do something where they'll find camaraderie and what they do it's one of things about Jiu-Jitsu that's really wonderful is that people that do Jujitsu they've they find friends that also do Jujitsu you become friends with these people that are into this difficult thing listen I've called on Jiu-Jitsu I

I met a damn person who's tried it and doesn't become obsessed with it yeah it's awesome so and good self defense for the ladies right very good for the ladies like the best the best of all of them yes because look how small your hands are ya you're not going to punch somebody in the face and hurt them know just too many men are too big too hard but you can defend yourself which you do it so you'll understand grappling and if you get a hold of someone's neck you could choke them unconscious really wanted percent yeah yeah if I let you wrap your arms around my neck and I show you how to do it I don't resist you could put me to sleep really wow yeah legitimately especially with your legs like women who know how to use their legs correctly and they learn how to choke people with their legs are guy tries to get on top you could strangle him yeah but I don't have any defense technique in my back pocket like I have nothing if a guy attacked me Moyes just like well I'm just debt like I need to learn something just be annoying to start operating him

damn it it's working ha ha ha that's what I'll do I'll just start talking and trying to psychoanalyze him you be like you're only attack me right now because your mother didn't love you enough and you hate women and I remind you of your mom in some way that set you off and now you're trying to rape me if you had a mic yeah who's killing now if you if you go to a Jiu-Jitsu class maybe that's where you'd meet a good guy I think so I think I think you're that's what I like about your sober October the challenge to do a new class where you're like it's not stuff it's made me not athletic adventure adventure but you're what like what are you going to learn well yesterday we took we did done lessons yeah we went Tommy and I took off your caption about that it was really good where you said like it's something where I'm like I got I got a lot to learn oh my God like it was my first time even shooting a pistol in more than 10 years I made a hadn't shot a pistol since the last time I

not one on a range which I think was about ten years ago I shot rifles the last time I even shot a rifle though was a few years ago like two or three years ago yeah I think so it was and I mean obviously I'm a real beginner when it comes to that and with pistols on my super beginner I didn't know anything so all these folks at this Taryn tactical place for showing Tommy and I had to do it right and it's like it's it's a real wake-up call like you really don't know what the fuck you're doing and it's something where there's a look good giant area that you can improve in like yeah knowing nothing like just I know how to squeeze the trigger I know the site is here you'll be line it up pull the trigger don't jerk the trigger just pull it but learning correctly from these people and how to hold the gun correctly to stabilize it and how you supposed to stand and how you supposed to lean in watching men and women do it correctly and show you you like oh okay okay okay like whoo this is good this is something I don't know anything about it so exciting when you get like

little nugget and it just all of a sudden changes everything and you're like I would have never figured that out on my own with all with millions of years of Brett like exciting so good yeah get Susan it unlocks it's an ocean of possibilities that and you're just getting your toes wet the first day you're like oh my God there's so much to learn I'm going to avoid doctor right now because I don't want to ruin not like my instrument and which I'm now starting to look at it as an instrument that I was never taught how to play IM just freestylin on this fucking saxophone you know like no one I've never got less we don't get lessons for our voice right right have you ever taken any know it's a good idea though I mean you talk so much have you ever lost your do you lose your voice ever know okay well then you're probably talking the right way yeah but you probably screaming a really efficient way or yelling an efficient way you just have strong vocal cords yeah I mean I'm learning stuff that I'm like whoa I didn't even know like there's three places where your voice

come from your throat your mouth and your nose and I'm talking all throat and that's why I'm getting polyps developing I mean I'm getting stuff growth on it because I don't know how to talk and it's just my vocal cords are slamming all day and they develop calluses after they slam and those are like the and I'm gonna have to have them surgically removed I'm gonna lose my voice if I don't they're like you're here right in the nick of time so I do voice exercises every day and I'm really loving it I start out to go wait wait that's opening up your throat and it's so your vibrate and it's making you realize that the vibrations in your face cause a lot of your the sound so it's your nose and your mouth that you can focus on creating the sound that comes out of your that makes your the air okay

then you go mmm mummy mummy and you're supposed to make your whole face vibrate feel it in your bag me me me me me me right now people are screaming at your fucking hating this and you should so yeah just in my house going never Monday number Monday number Monday just like fun but it's a reminder never money but still a little throaty yeah yeah learning it's but it's like I never thought about it this it's changing everything do you know how to play an instrument no no interest none me neither I mean I'd like to know but if I did I would get into it that's the problem yeah and I don't have any time you don't have any time know what feel like there's a practical application for learning how to shoot people yes yeah he's probably good it's good to know you're entertaining people enough you don't need to add a guitar well I just I don't I don't want to get obsessed that's my with me you get Evan

it's because your time why get quick as you'll get upset I'm crazy like that's my crazy I'm not I'm not a junkie like like you put heroin in front of me I'm not I've no interest but if there's something that's interesting that's hard to do the problem is I get obsessed with things like really obsessed where they it takes over my whole day like what was the last Country Archery last one yeah bow hunting and are you do you still practice it all day I've got two ranges in the studio I've got a game out there where did you seen the game the Techno Hunt game no I'll show it to you okay Studio there's a there's a fucking archery game where there's a Kevlar screen and I have these different broad heads that are flat at the end like the head of a nail broadheads no broads that's a weird one right like is that a negative some chicks like love it it's like the classic Rod yeah it's not- like a powerful 80s lady yeah brats not like like what's a net mean other than like slit whole never heard of slit or just a couple slits

I've heard whole before that's what Opie and Anthony used to call the girl who's on the morning your chair yeah the whole hole and yeah but it's not figuratively and literally because there was like holes in the show because like when they would talk the only reason why they were there was there were a woman yeah someone like we need a woman on the show so to get some chick and she would just like I just feel like you guys are not letting me talk about yeah then on shows where the girl was a whole yeah I have to bargain on shows where the guy was a fucking hole oh yeah there's a lot of just yeah holy shows those shows are kind of dying I know they're dying before because of this because there are more interesting people that know how to make people laugh there's no reason to listen to them and then every fucking 15 minutes or some new goddamn commercial for fucking Tom's Dodge ya know hey this is Tom and Toms fucking that shisei sell your car yeah you'd get so bored you get so bored listen to their name

that and you just sold me a Dodge hey Dad's dad's really kind of discount yeah but those those morning shows you would go to those shows and some would be really cool yeah you know some of them would be awesome but then there was other ones that you could tell they really wanted to be a comic but they were scared but they knew that you needed them to sell tickets so they were kind of Yeti with you yes yes remember that I go in I take those shows over to show him how it's done be like I wanted to show your listeners what real comedy is and what like actual jokes are do you have to go to those anymore do you still do those I still love doing them have your ideal I like I'm a morning person I get up I like to make the rounds I like to go in take oh I've learned from Bert Kreischer he was the first person he was a headliner when I was working with him as a feature act back in like West Virginia the sorry Virginia Beach Funny Bone Dayton where else were we were all over I was always working with him just

randomly Richmond Virginia he would take me to radio which he did not need to do but he was like you want to come tomorrow and I'm like that's a feature Shore and he would and I would just see how he would walk in and take over a show yeah and make it his own and they fucking loved him they and and he would sell more tickets because like it was just it was so and he was having fun doing it and so when I do morning TV or do radio I always just go I my free yourself and I feel like there was like old she's out of control because you say anything on there and it's like don't button you know yeah hey yeah you just go in I go on TV shows with no makeup I look like Faces of Meth whenever I'm going on to I can mark it I literally look so disgusting I can't carry more because nobody's watching these morning TV shows right and I go in with no make up the lighting is so bright everyone's wearing so all the women look I look like a man because without makeup on as a woman on TV look like a man

you just do because women wear too much makeup so by comparison you look like a man and I just go in and sometimes I just like to have an open sore on my face like I just I feel so free doing the shows I think I'll do it as long as they ask me really yeah I like it when you selling out Arenas and shit just don't know back then maybe to some of my favorites like the good the good ones but um but I get a kick out of it I love radio Bert and Tom know how to take over a Morning Show those morning TV shows yeah I remember what do you ever see Tom would go on as this character DJ dad mouth no yeah he would he would tell them that he's Polly and by and and non-binary and he would wear sunglasses and fur coats and he would wear a gold chains and he went on a guy cause he was so bored and the shows were already sold out so they were making him do these things because they had like relationships with the local TV stations and this is before he really blew up from his Netflix specials but see you got it right there this is one shot

oh my God there's some multiples you really do it all the time DJ dad mouth has a big announcement I love this and DJ dad mouth does the whether he did it everywhere and and the people that were working these shows did not know what the fuck he was talking about he would say yeah I'm coming out as Polly and Polly I'm coming out as non-binary who come on that is so fun you're right it's completely out of boredom the shows are so pretty the fur coat with a hood the giant rope chain like that he had used to travel with this yes the steel and for this and the fucking interviews were hilarious because that is the lowest rung of show business in terms of Competency they are the least entertaining people in all of Show Business and they Panic whenever there's any fucking dead are they don't know what to do you like he's he would say something like oh I don't even know what that means it's so bad yeah it's rough

yeah look at that shit anymore I don't do anything you don't do you know yeah you don't why don't you go on talk shows why you just don't care no not too much yeah nobody wants to know what my opinions are I'm fucking saying I'm constantly I don't feel like I don't need any more attention I want less attention we need 10% less attention Okay new question new new New Direction okay being famous going out places what's it like for you is it what you wanted is it what you expected you clearly there's some part of you that wanted to be famous at some point in your life I think you want to be honest because you want to be successful right you want like in the beginning people are paying attention other people who aren't you paying attention to me oh look Jerry Seinfeld's in their own 20 nobody even cares if I'm alive I wish they cared that I was here yeah yeah but then that's it get it you like oh then you lose your anonymity and then it's weird and then people react to you differently one of these my wife said to me I go I'll go back guy seems like a nice

God she goes listen everybody's nice to you she was the only realize it like people I've seen people act like assholes to other people and then you come in here and they act like a totally different person I do that she said that she's hilarious my wife says some funny shit she's funnier than me like in terms of like social situation yeah she's the funny one because I'm not like I don't try to be funny yeah but she does yeah like she gets a kick out or in social situations she'll have a couple of drinks that she's the one yeah that like takes over but she's just got good timing like one time I was going through this period of time where I was getting massages from dudes because girls just are not good at getting into the deep muscle yeah so I'd get these deep tissue massages from dudes but you know it was just one of them were staying in a hotel I got a massage and I came back upstairs onset fuck I left my wedding ring back down there so I went back down to the locker room to get my wedding ring and she was where was it in his ass ha ha ha ha let's the way she said it like she was like she was actually curious and then she knows she got his anger off

and I'm dying laughing so she thinks it's awesome yeah yeah she's she's noticed like if you didn't know better you'd probably think she's the comedian yeah like one more out and that's good but that's one of the reasons why it works yeah you know but because you need a funny but she doesn't want attention but she likes being funny like with us she just like she just gets a kick out of it's fun for it so yeah it's like she doesn't want to play tennis professionally but she might want to play with her friend that's you know night but your partner yeah for a comedian I believe but she noticed is that people are nicer to you and you I mean you have dealt you've seen the shift yeah everyone's nice now yeah suddenly yeah and it's not that the world's just got nicer you just got more famous how do you do you what what about when you're in public and you find people like videotaping you or like you can sense it when they are aware when you know that they know people are people do this is a funny thing to people do that hold their camera up like you don't know God we're looking down yeah yeah and you're talking to your friend in there like

do you say anything or do you just let it go come on man I'm just a human dude yes a human that more people know that's it don't be weird yeah you want to take a picture take a picture together yeah don't be just filming to pretend you're not filming it's just too strange like my friend Sturgill said that he's an airport and some dude was just holding a phone up on him and his friends were talking and he goes oh come on man he goes hey it's a price you pay he's like no I'm not there's nothing written anywhere price you pay is you see me at Starbucks talking to my friend you stick a phone in front of us and film us what we're talking that's just weird yeah but it's just it's also that it's so alien to some people to see a famous person yeah one of the good things about Ela is there used to famous people there's so many famous people out here you see them all the time and it's like you get a you know they're going to be around so you like oh there's Nikki it's normal it's like a safari right the animals are in their natural habitat Norm it is cool to see a cheetah but there's others but if you're in

you know fucking Louisville and you're walking around and you try to go to a bar it might get weird thanks Michael Western yes and you've been to Louisville yeah bar yeah and you've had to leave that bar yeah I've had a few of those moments but most the time people just friendly you just shake their hand and they're you know I have a like the kind of Fame I have is like people know me it's a weird kind of Fame It's like because of the podcast they know me they know you so well not like Daniel Day-Lewis where you have no idea what he's like yeah I'm gonna go talk to him right what he sounds like when he talks like a really good point yeah they know you I mean I even have had guys ask me out or feel are like proposed that we should date because they're like there's this one guy recently who discovered me and one day and he knew he was going to see me that night at the meet and greet at the show and I think he had seen my roast kind of went viral last week or two weeks ago so we saw that he was like oh my God she's in Irvine tonight and he he bought a meet-and-greet ticket and he listened to me

all day it was like I listen to you on Rogan for 3 hours then I listened to this Pockets I mean he was listen to me all day so for him we spent it whole day together right where I was telling him all my deepest insecurities I mean I get real on these things and people feel connected to you and then he comes to the meet and greet in his energy is so strong and like we should be together type entered like you didn't say that but he's just like it just you could I just go this guy's spend all day with me and I don't know him at all and I knew that going in and he and I kind of just like shoot him out like we took a picture I was nice but I was like good he came the next night again because you could tell he went home and was like I blew it my one shot and he bought a meet and greet at get which I'm like you said through the show again it's the same fucking show and he had a second chance and he tried to touch me like low on my way and I just took his hand like get up no but it's feel they feel like they know you but that's a weird thing when someone tries to touch you low and your waist like right by your butt and it can't wait uh sure but like let me just touch the top of her but I'm I'm grateful that anyone even thinks I have an ass worthy to touch because I have

two flat ass so when it does get touched I'm kind of like flattered but don't do it I don't like it It ultimately makes me feel not good at all and it leat I mean my friend Andrew will be watching me because it's happened so many times we're guys casually just put their hand on my ass when they're taking a picture right and it's and no one ever sees it I'll have security guards like watching it'll be like we just watch for men touching me in weird places because it's always weird for me to call out because it's like in front of their wife and I don't want to embarrass them and make it a thing right so I just go like I'd rather someone else called out and security guards will watch and I'll be I'll walk up to him and be like did you not see that guy in there like know I was watching I'm like it's so stealthy and subtle the the way that a guy can put his finger just as this is what they do your back and then when they're done with the picture they'll just go like like their hand will like oh I'm just my hands just gravity and it will graze your whole back side and what it does it's just like God man you don't respect me I just was on stage you paid to see me you had to sit and be quiet

old time I demanded a sort of respect in that moment and you've just taken that from me just makes me feel gross obvious that they don't respect you is that they're trying to get away with it they think like oh just maybe she won't even know so I just let my hand go limp and just go down I thought I but they don't they want me to notice so I'm like I don't know maybe depends on the person yeah it's but it happens all and with women it happens a ton women definitely like you know grabs me older ladies that are drunk yes older ladies have drunk we'll just grab my ass I've had like not okay late 40s ladies get a couple of Pops them ladies night out they were hot in their 20s they were like the type of girl that like I feel them feeling my back they're like literally squeeze you like a like a like a horse like checking checking the meat stop it ladies it's not okay for you to do to men I know it's not the same let me tell you something it's just because you're not grows quickly threatened by these women it's grab my hey get out of my ass

but it's not like any man with their musculature at any size could really overpower me I'm a week I'm a tall woman but I'm a weak woman so any man touching me is like it's a threats a threat it is a threat not the same with women and men but still get the fuck off men women I'm sorry well it's just people are just and that's another thing about drinking you know they got me people get drunk and they make stupid fucking choices that they would never make it there were sober even smart people smart people with five drinks are stupid they're so stupid no I wanted a smart person five drinks and I'm like who is the wrong fucking thing like weird fucking secret desires that never get revealed all some come popping up yep they start making out with guys yeah hey yeah hey what's happening yeah whoo yes everyone's dumb at seven drinks everyone I think no one's better to drinks and more like maybe men because you have a little bit more tolerance but it's around two drinks where I'm like I'll

love a person up until two drinks they'll get better and then after two drinks I'm like I'm kind of slow there's slow they're loud Yep they're close to your face would you prefer a for drinks or cocaine see I haven't take for drinks over Coke every day of the week tell me that tell me why because I guess I'm not around enough cokeheads they talk too much they talk too much they want to get really close to you and I want to keep talking and talk fast Adder all people thank thing and that it's always about them the thing about speed and feta means it's your it's always a self-serving conversation it's always about you so it's about what you're gonna do it's always about who's fucking you over and heels keeping you from doing this and you're going to do that and you're going to you know this because you're smart and everybody else is stupid but you're not like that's that's Coke talk did you do ever do come to never me neither never did it I got lucky I knew I had a good buddy of mine his cousin sold it I watched this whole life fall apart doing coke constantly

lost a shitload of weight and I remember thinking oh my God so you got bit by a vampire like this guy got infected and you were like no so scared of it a few people in my neighborhood would do Coke and they it always went bad it always went back you know it sweetheart so I just I recognize that real early I was like that's a bad one I did it one time with Doug Stanhope hallo I didn't mean to but I was just I really didn't mean to is it the Kansas City Stanford in Sons in Kansas City a place you have to do Coke there I think it's part of the contract I all all week I didn't talk to Doug I was so scared of him I was emceeing I was in college still and at the last night Saturday night after the Late Show he had like his whole Entourage back to his hotel room to hang out I was invited I went just sitting quietly in the corner and he has a bunch of coke on the desk that he's doing but and no one else is really doing it they're just kind of watching him do it and then he gets a call from the front desk it's like hey your car

is here get an early morning flight and he's like I'm not taking this with me did anyone does anyone want it and I was like I'll bring it back to my friends at College like that's a lot of coke and like me I'll sell I don't know what Skokie you talking about it was like a not of a pile of it what it look like the pile like scribe it like a golf ball yeah golf ball okay like another cup yeah it's a lot and I was like I'll take it and he was like okay and he hands me a rolled up dollar bill and I was like oh he thought he meant now and I was like 20 and insecure and wanting to be cool so it's like a half what's that's if you're have any cues do it and so I did it then I went home and fucking clean my apartment did you yeah I went home and cleaned and like wrote an essay that I needed to write and I was like that shit's good wow but you know it's just like doing Ritalin and adderal like you get shit done but your there's a price yeah it's not good your it's a b-minus of a paper whenever I like have something you know I've taken an alternative creativity yes

yeah it's gonna suffer Joey Diaz used to be a big coconut one of the things he said he goes there's no soul in what you said it was when you doing coke there's no soul in it yeah yeah because it's all about you like you said just empty well yes just weird to weirdly disconnected you know like you know the movie Showgirls hmm one of my favorite movies of all time yeah let's cook movie like you could tell the people made that movie we're doing coke it's a ridiculous movie like who the fuck greenlit this thing who said yes they're doing coke because that was the 90s and then the 90s A lot of people did Coke was a Coke movie yeah I think I mean it's just my opinion I maybe I'm wrong what was the last psychedelic trip you had any I did mushrooms couple months ago yeah I was that fucking awesome where'd you doing I'm doing with Ari on the show did did them during a podcast really yeah and you guys start tripping during the podcast yeah are we having fun what is it what does it sound like it was great broadcasters great we

take too much but yeah we took enough and like you know no one can tell when you're on them like you can still function normally yeah I mean it depends on how far you go you guys are so funny yeah you can go down the rabbit hole though okay you can go down the rabbit hole and be incoherent hmm mushrooms are it's dose-dependent mean what you're doing is like you're getting you know you take a little bit you're like shaking hands with the angels but you're not going to heaven you're not going to visit them you like Hi how are you oh my God you're so wonderful but you're not like riding on their wings going go into the other dimension but if you take enough that's where you go if you take enough you're not talking to anybody and have you done LST yes and good yes great experience yeah you had a bad experience on that no no but I took it took it later in life I don't think it's I think most of

these psychedelics where you have bad experiences what you're having is your own psychological dilemma and then your battle with whatever the drug or the Psychedelic is trying to do to you versus what your egos trying to control and keep it from happening I mean I've seen a lot of people have bad trips on some of the worst trips I've ever seen people have was from edible pot edible pot is one of the strongest things that people don't recognize it's a very different drug than smoking it and when you know you when you think of things that can take you down the rabbit hole you don't think of edible pot people think a pot is just like oh you're gonna get a high maybe can get too high but you're just getting high but when you eat it it's a completely different animal yeah literally like physiologically it's a different and really yeah it's a create something called 11 hydroxy metabolite that's five times more psychoactive than THC and what it's like not even psychoactive in

smoking it it's a different drug that's what different totally different drug that makes complete sense that's a different drug it's processed by your liver something called the one pass it passes through your liver and the THC gets processed into eleven hydroxy metabolites okay she Google it's trippy shit I've way stronger way strong some micro dos versions of mushrooms that I have had two of them and they were it was great it just made things a little bit brighter it makes it nice have you ever microdose yes you know does not all time hey white oh really run whites a micro doesn't motherfucker yeah was I'm on this new drug it's called mushrooms and I just take a little bit every day whoa yeah I know a lot of people that do that yeah a lot like dozens dozens of people who microdose including Fighters I know a lot of Fighters are microdose yeah I forgot today was even on any I was like I was just like oh this room looks like

cooler yeah just feel better oh yeah I ate that little piece yeah you just feel a little better and you're like what is all whacked took mushrooms yes I forgot yeah did you hear that Ari Spike births drink with Molly what they did a podcast together and re dumped Molly and to birds drink wait is that why Bert's wife isn't talking to re anymore exactly wait that's what yeah wait why podcast in his house and birds house what family hoary is so crazy I don't trust him for a second I'm so scared of Ari shaffir he's fucking crazy I've seen him just like act ask about my life and be like interested now like open up to him and then he'll lick use it against me later on I'm like this guy I don't yeah he'll just like store up things use it against you don't usually get well to be funny I think he's evil categories are fears secretly evil secretly evil yeah I think you know yeah I doing

I think he's a good I like him but I don't trust him because I because he spiked Burke he gave his friend Molly that's not okay not okay but wait that's hilarious though still hilarious but more crazy that's what he's trying to cop that's what I do like about Ronnie do it there were both on Molly because re took himself out then the podcast going on at our starts dancing he's like sort of dancing and moving and births like what do you want Molly he goes are you

birds like what

and then all of a sudden and then he realizes like what what's going on he realizes in the ours are going to put some in your drinks like he's home for this family okay I kind of want re to spike my drink and I went back to Bianca don't you to do Molly Ari Ari no do it not it again da really gonna get in trouble I'm giving you consent to do it to me in a sneaky podcast I think that'd be so fun I was Joe that's my thing I need an excuse to be bad like that's why I like bondage it's like oh no like I can't do the same forced to do this dirty thing I don't really want to do this but you're making me do that's why the Dancing with the Stars I'm like you made me wear this swimsuit on TV I cannot be a slut what's the shoulder it's just like helpless Slut Like I need an excuse to be bad to be what I really want to be which is high slutty yeah

and mean like the roast roast that's an excuse to be mean it's excuse to be evil I had to do these drugs to what am I going to go to a roast and complement everyone I can't do that so there's always a there's always I had to I get it I get it well you just gave Ari the excuse and believe ya me he's gonna capitalize on it I really do want to do Molly I feel like watches do it with them no not with him I mean I guess I'm the face the face you made out with him we do I would do it someone recommended him to be my shaman on a trip and I was like what the fuck I don't trust him to be my Shaman who can trust Ayahuasca he's gonna be done Ayahuasca well whatever so maybe mushrooms was like so I was like trying to trust him for that she up that mess okay yes you can look you could trust Ari Ari was just mad at Burton it's not logical the the it's not tenable I don't I don't agree with them

is mad at Birth that the whole reason why we do sober October was we were trying to get Bert sober and Bert was you know we're worried about his health like yeah Bert's ridiculously overweight and he's also on high blood pressure medication but yet he still drinks every fucking night we're like this is crazy man like you got to stop doing this and so the original reason for sober October was to try to sobered up it started off for years ago there was a weight loss challenge between Tom and Burt and during the whole weight loss challenge Bert kept drinking this is how fucked up he is he's trying to win this big thing and at the end of it he only fell short by a few pounds but he was drinking the whole town couldn't help the whole time yeah so then the next year we were like okay we got to figure out a way to get bird sobre let's do this let's let's even go sober for the whole month of October and purposely whoo-hoo he was hemming and hawing I didn't want to do it I said I'll do it too we'll all do it will all be sober so that's what kicked off so rocktober number

that was three years ago we and we just said we made a challenge we're going to be sober for the whole month and we're going to do fifteen hot yoga classes which is fun it was good yeah and you know Bert did it and you had no problems he was sober for the whole month and he actually did get healthier and he looked better but then the next year got too crazy the next year we decided to have a fitness challenge God that was so insane that went crazy that was hard to watch that was crazy watching you guys just give up your lives yeah I'll give up everything points yeah seven yeah seven hours a day I was doing I mean talked about that one day that you like your heart rate was at maximum it was an 80% heart rate Max for five hours it was more than that because I've got a you get one minute for one minute at 80% heart rate you get one point and I had 1,100 minutes for the dude yeah

I mean that's torture I'm so glad you guys pulled back this year it was so crazy so I was obsessed is Bert getting sober is this working no no no bird can we try sure he shouldn't be drinking at all no I mean that high blood pressure shit is no joke but that's how people get strokes yes I did you really shouldn't be drinking at all but he did cut back on sugar and so and he said he had lost what do you say lost like 20 20 pounds something like that for Christ you can do anything yeah I can really do anything he needs to stop drinking yes he does but he loves drinking I'm not going on stage and taking her shirt off he loves being the life of the party but I don't want to lose the life of the party because I know we're enabling this last party let's see the thing is that party thing that he does like it's sort of dependent upon alcoholic that's part of the image that he's created and we talked about on the podcast of the day that kinnison had the same problem they would just lay these giant lines of coke like I like how it's him it's him

lately that coke out like to the point where like no one could do you have Bert goes into a town and isn't down to drink and that's the whole and he invites the audience to go out with him after the show and they all drink together and he's doing double so she's having TT toes and he's drinking like fucking 20 drinks a night I can't believe how much he's able to accomplish with his drinking habits amazing it's think of what he be able to do without it I don't know if that's the case though but half of what he's accomplished is accomplished because of his stand-up and half of his stand-up is his partying yeah it's like he's mm he's a funny guy he would always be a funny comic but whether or not he can accept that without the alcohol whether or not he can Embrace that without the alcohol he's not an alcoholic in the sense that he's not addicted to alcohol because he did quit two years in a row for a whole month without a problem he really did do it right and you know citizen all the big deals I miss it I like to I like to have a drink but I'm okay yeah so

he's not like he didn't get the shakes and his acting so fucking this like I'll just was telling him not to do it yeah psychology so really it was like it's probably not the thing for you to quit drinking it was like my fucking trick told me to stop that's not to stop yeah which is crazy but I just you know I reasoned because quitting drinking for me it felt like so much of my identity to drink and I talked about it on stage I mean it wasn't anywhere as wrapped up his bird is in it but he's had enough fun you've had your whole life of doing this you've been the party animal since no no he's just starting to kill it he selling out theories often right is doing great right now I know it's specials elevated him all of his Instagram stuff every time we do this sober October things he sells way more tickets I know it's but he could be funny no matter what yes he's a comic everybody who's funny is funny no matter what there's tell us he scared you think if I get on Zoloft if I go talk to someone about my issues if I call

her might if I talk about the anger I have towards my father what am I going to my going to be funny on the other side of it yes you're funny your comic it's a profession it's going to make you it's one of the rare professions we think you're dependent upon certain substances yeah but we do know people that got sober and then got boring that's true too you didn't yeah you pulled it off but there are people that got sober and then they started to suck really yeah okay quite a few but then there's also people who got sober and get even better like David towel yes Dave Attell sobered up his fucking joke writing just kicked into another level yeah because he got addicted to writing well I guess just funneled it all we also get all the NR bandwidth yeah more energy more band yep Nikki Glaser we gotta wrap this up I talked already a crazy person so he's banged out three hours of talking crazy and flies by tell everybody your special bangings yeah that flicks how do I get ahold of you on the Instagram and on the Twitter Nikki Glaser on

am I have a radio show on Sirius XM every morning Monday through Thursday 10 to 12 Eastern on Comedy Central radio so if you have serious or a rental car check that out and I have a podcast of the radio show that comes out every Friday you up Podcast and I'm going on tour bang it out tour starting January through the spring tickets on presale now use code banging for special pricing and like my first theater Tour all right good luck with that thank you thanks Joe always a good time always bye everybody thank you everyone for tuning into the show and thank you to our sponsors thank you to Simply Safe Simply Save has an awesome deal going on right now go to Simply Safe.com Rogan and you'll get a free HD security camera when you order that's a $100 value that will make sure that you can take advantage of their video verification technology you will have eyes on your home 24/7 and video evidence of someone tries to get in get your free HD

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and we're also brought to you by whoop all throughout sober October I'm going to be wearing my whoop device 24/7 to understand the impact sobriety has on my body and I'll be looking at the impact on alt for through all my workouts and my rest on my heart my nervous system sleep performance and more and this is so many different things that you can find out through the whoop device they have an incredible application that comes with it I can't say enough good things about I love it it's very very comprehensive and it really opens your eyes up to what kind of rest and Recovery you're getting and how much sleep you're actually getting I thought I was getting way more sleep than I really was and I will continue to wear this Loop strap I got mrs. Rogan wearing one too you can get the loop strap 3.0 when you join go to who o p whoop.com and use the code sober October at checkout to get the entire month of October free on us that's whoop wh oop.com and use the code sober October at

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