#1231 - Matt Braunger

Jan 24, 2019

Matt Braunger is an actor, writer, and stand-up comedian. His new special "Finally Live in Portland" will be released everywhere on February 5, 2019.

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my guest today is a hilarious stand-up comedian he has a new special debt is he's releasing it across all platforms this is something that Jim Gaffigan just decided to do recently and sometimes are following in his footsteps so it's going to be available on iTunes it'll be available on Amazon Bunch different platforms hilarious stand-up comedian great guy please give it up for Matt braunger

The Joe Rogan Experience

go back to the first guy to ever bring homemade cold brew yes sir I think we should enjoy some kerosene so you want to sip it be careful using usually a guy and he just roasts all these beings from all over the world and drop them off at this one Bicycle Cafe and Venice or something

I had a coffee expert on the podcast for 4 to start it I mean I don't know anything about coughing just because it's Guy Peter Giuliano that's Giuliano for Giuliani

I'm avoiding the word Giuliani like specifically to all coffee comes from Ethiopia all of it came out of nowhere we supposed to kid Colombian coffee was that were saying like Juan Valdez Colombian over the summer you still see pictures and drawings of a kind of Fame to Columbia and and differentiated it from out the other South American countries you know it was really cold brew coffee you take at least 70% of the bitterness out and it makes it smoother and is no acidic and you don't get that that's the stomach sourness you get a big pot of hot coffee

yeah I usually don't get that I'm I'm okay with coffee but I do like the flavor of this is really good bag and I buy it and that's all smart deferred experts I think it's Giuliani Giuliani know that the reason why they all have these different complex flavors and how they how they would take care of the beans because Ethiopia is a very dry climate where is South America is very hot so they did problems with coffee rust we were going to coffee with develop like weird molds and stuff to just come out and drying them so I'll talk about that gal of coffee and it's kind of a earlier stages when it would go out into different regions and cultures and religions areas well actually was the first person to tell

the day where outlawing coffee shops and coffee houses back in the day so there's a clip somewhere online of Bourdain explaining to us okay I how coffee shops were being outlawed is that the time everyone basically was drunk all day because people just they all they did was drink booze because you know a lot of times if you had water sitting around that water would probably have some funky shitnado Stillwater and you get sick drinking it but you could be red what are the alcohol in it and it's not like Belgian yeah I think they just got used to it but it must have been terrible for their body

laughing like our generation and younger back then you should make an appendix taken out right where they broke a leg hiking and eczema to get okay if your appendix when you were just possessed by demons don't know what the fuck happened to Rod it out in the inside and certificate like something like 80% of medieval land land battles were fought drunk or something I would I would have to shotgun a bottle of Jack to pick up like a battle axe and just run into a crowd of guys and just

lead silicide mushrooms and just fucking go banana me Amanita muscaria to I think was the other mushroom that they ain't and they would just go fucking crazy with axes while they were who knows what they were saying the legend of the Berserker you're a warrior philosopher so you basically like a an insect on cocaine does just dropping everything down around you were talking about that new Viking show that's on Netflix we missed it wasn't the comedy one there's another one there's another one that's a serious Viking Show on Netflix that supposed to be like the show Vikings but way better which I kind of like the show Vikings last Kingdom where we focus on one thing it where it's like you'd look you watch Vikings you like wear the hats

helmets with the artifact where are the helmets tattoos like this the problem is like there's not that many giant actors unless you want to recruit football players it's so true that's a good point yeah in Norway number of Strongman Competition winners those guys win the strongest man in the world throw barrels on top of the mountain yes you who took the strongest man in the world title for sure is this fucking huge if you saw that guy coming over the hill on a horse

it's over this is the day we stopped existing gets wiped out our champion fighter Champions and then that person wins and then that guy comes out and you're like a fuck I was so good back in the in the in the knife Jim that we train is but this guy that was the saddest part of Game of Thrones is that the cocky bisexual guy I was broken up with my mind now wife and just was just back from a weekend on the road and was hungover and was just like I'll watch Game of Thrones and I just tweeted like a guy watched I'm still have it don't tell me what happens to have some connection with the outside world in my one-bedroom apartment and I want and if people like don't watch alone I like butt and I watch it and it just ruined me cuz it's so fucked up

yeah we just grabbed his head and it killed him like you would kill a chipmunk or something like it was worse than like the guy in Saving Private Ryan where he's like wait wait wait no no and the guy just

brutal yeah it's also looks Ausable I think it's

it's it said something you write in a fantasy novel but I don't know how someone can have hands that strong for sure eyeballs first you break a baby you couldn't but you could physically write a good moral and I'm in math

I was talking to a friend of mine and she was telling me that her dad had been hospitalized and while her dad was hospitalized he was in like this you will like a cat care home for older people and a guy who is schizophrenic will freaked out and tried to eat him while he was there and then he said fuck this get me out of here in one of dying at home you want to die at home rather than die in the hospital because a guy tried to eat him imagine like your last couple days of Life are escaping a schizophrenic guy who got out of his room tried to eat and some was trying to kill you and eat you

we don't we don't get rid of people like that quick enough like you how you get rid of bad dogs bite people you like that. Put them. This group called The Village which creates a network in any given neighborhood where if you're young are your old you registered and cost anything and basically this person can live out their their final years in their home because they have a network of neighbors who check on them or call me here's my cell that's just paint okay cool that's just get you the hospital cuz it's like people deserve to as long as you're not eating people killing their homes and yeah that's a that's a concern that you really don't ever want to dress until it's too late how do I go yeah and I'll go and some people just have a really hard time with that even deep into their old age when they're just decrepit they can't make it anymore they just can't

handle the fact that it's all going to end I mean if you have to live your life to the fullest and not bite your tongue and just be yourself because I guess or just chill the fuck out and wait for the end what do you do to I don't know what is the life to the fullest if it's all temporary point where it's just like well is there any point to life I don't know I've gone back and forth at Russell on this or have to psych battle with that how do I get a save it and I'll make some sense out of it with one bullet in the back of my skull I don't see a comment he did it himself and did it with a rope

that just as friends with them I dead fuck me up wake me up I wasn't and I I was a fan of his since the first article came out in the New Yorker that he wrote it sucks you up because you just go I wish she called me yeah I wish I mean I would have flown to France all about perspective there are times where we've all come close to not naturally putting a gun or Mauser Rubberneck but we're just feel like there's no point coming up in the end of the crew that I came up with in Chicago you know Canaan and Hannibal and people like we never let each other get away with shit or is this like yeah you're saying that the people in your life I never forget I went through a horrible breakup and I went I was in my apartment for like a week only leaving to wait tables and bartended and then I finally came to a show and contains like

used Kleenex be with us laughing so hard I just think about despair is this demon that latches onto your back and it's your job to fuck it up is it off you you know what what's your thing destroyed good fight the bitching you for your interview. I usually work when I'm referring to your interview in a bit to doesn't want you to work out every time I'm in a class every time I'm in there like that you just like something you just like I just want to say I'm baguette mean everybody I still have it but I've got that mother fucker on lockdown and I'm good now I own him he's in there though he's weak you never seen they're always trying to tell you you don't you can take the day off if your ankle sore

are you feeling sick you would run down my dad lately like you don't even like a guy no words you mentioned anything I can do that by dying people and stuff and like yeah you got to tell me more than this so now we're kind of he's opening up but more but long story long he was like you know when you're waking up and useless I don't know if there is a devil but there is that to him

Lisa tells you like not to not not to use it to hate yourself and say I get out don't think you're such a weird pattern right because it doesn't have any real evolutionary benefit what is the benefit of self-loathing and just sitting around feeling pity but yeah but there's something good about feeling very disappointing yourself yes then it makes you work harder and like recognized or at least try to realize your potential better get more Donny feel better about yourself because otherwise you won't work as hard as talking about Kobe Bryant but what a psycho he was when he was training and they did was say that about Michael Jordan and of course Mike Tyson was like that

interesting LeBron spends 1.5 million dollars a year on recovery disk recovery just recovering just like cryotherapy massage million-and-a-half every year he is maximizing everything like a perfect example some was Maxima freak genetics powerful will intelligence but then on top of that maximizing everything built a school has a good sense of humor about himself so funny and it was I was as half right yeah did you ever see that HBO show where they're sitting around with them yes he's fucking great in that and you get that inside it's like

so that's why you're so good you're hogging crazy when he was talking about a son playing he's talking about his mom and his just it that his his drive and then go yeah it's people like David Icke extreme winners are but there is such a rare person that you could probably stand to be around your Tech billionaires are some like that it's after while you be like I'm going to go to The Comedy Store and we're going to do brake jobs known by everyone is a extreme cont right he was just a cunt There's No Way Around It. Video there's a video it's he's demonstrating an Apple product any can't give this camera to work and he's pressing on his button that doesn't work and he throws it at the engineer with this like

pursed lips are you fix it I just want you at Japanese ethic of the person who loses their temper first loses cameras not turning on

what's up

I just slide it like that

angry

please like this to the right yeah stubby just to be the richest man in all of the world's not real the richest man who has a publicly declared income is Big giving him real quick RX drug cartel Saudi Arabian princes and Middle Eastern trillions

yeah that's different you don't talk about that Bill Gates take the wrap shirt me while they own like whole country's it's almost like how people people that have that people that went to college with or was run at their family they came from money they never showed it off Corey bought me clothes but like someone was acting like they had a Dunhill lighter or something else about roll a die dude I know he's your dad play with this kid and I was all really I think he was kind of like your dad's the junk bond King right now he's your dad to jump on your dad there at the whole reason why you're getting by so smoothly and the walls are so greased for you in this life is your dad was a human skull

with well there's always a displacement someone's Rich because other people are poor on some level but that was the most always the case like this is Beyonce Rich get someone's poor or is Beyonce Rich cuz she talented and she worked hard to listen don't get me wrong I don't think it's it's it's across the board like that but I just think it turned a lot of people love to say that yeah okay to Jennifer Lawrence fuck a bunch of people over or she just really good at action because someone's out there being evil or she just really good Public Square like I mean should I get that much for a fight it's like do people want to watch you fight that much you want to go fight a million dollars

my favorite. Say that all I fuck you get punched by Mike Tyson for a million dollars to pay to see you getting out of it worth it to see you lose your life quite frankly Richard Lewis at that joke about his uncle number when I was a kid and I'm watching TV in like laughing till I cry where he said it's regarding seen old Jewish guy could punch once in the face and cry crying you'd be drooling you wouldn't be able to see straight anymore you're fucking skull would be broken that have to bolt it back together again you have to have everyone I love hostage in like a warehouse to let him punch me wants to die when he was here the other day and I was just a minute before I met him once for took picture with him but beat every time you meet him you like yeah okay this is really Mike Tyson he's really hear me a hug he's

he's like a Hawaiian folk tree it just like funk you just a beast of a man watching those first fights it was like watching you put a dog in a ring with a wolf run run right through everybody to the point where you like he's not from here you know kind of like those those those those comic books were aliens like they're on a planet that has way more gravity Spearfish right to your chats about that like scientist must get crazy about that because of that happened you would be like really sick like like when people go to space and they're in space for 6 months like their body breaks down on the podcast out cool and he said that when he came back you literally couldn't stand his equilibrium with so fucked up cuz you've been in space for 6 months then he came back like it was a horrible he's throwing up like

he'd like you couldn't see straight like when you stand the world is all wobbly and shit yeah because equilibrium was completely gone that's why I think you know superhero movies are kind of fundamentally ridiculous and silly I love, she grew up on him and stuff but they never never take physics into account like that's not how forces in the universe work they don't you know generally speaking mystically you know what happened at the boat the best theory probably like Godzilla like some monster was born of it that came out of the ocean there was a time or vice went to Chernobyl and this is backwood vice was really Vice when Shane Smith is going all these journey and she said that was some great stuff but Vice is just as huge multimedia Corp

Iration now and back then Shane went to Chernobyl and they were hunting like these radioactive wolves wolves in Chernobyl and now they're mutating those fish in the water that are enormous and they're fucking weird yeah and you can never eat them Simpson's real like they really do have these animals that live in this highly radiated area and they've managed to survive by just died mean

that that the level of the levels that we that we have taken to get energy and affected our environment we never drop San Diego you know that ride we drive down and you look to the right hand side of a nuclear power plant by kids throw a rock and hit it from the highway as what in the fuck is that doing there so close to the water so I think it needs to be close to water for cooling the Reactor Core okay I think I said that like I know what I'm talking about to have that thing under wraps in debt that volunteer army of of Japanese people older than 70 that were like I don't have long I'll go over there I'll go clean it up back in time through 13 I go there instead of Stephen King movie about 30 years old and I want to tell anybody

yeah but I really woke up and like 1980 and I go hey guys maybe this isn't a good place for a fucking nuclear power plants are there go there it is the fuck out of here with that that's still there I like the core still there they can't move it it's currently in preparation to be decommissioned Jesus go fishing around that fucking thing good luck

you catch a big fish though I don't weird human hands so talk to you but a talk with thoughts of you to remind Fukushima they were doing something where they dug this giant swimming pool and all around this giant swimming pools they dug they put like ice cores they put like some sort of cooling elements so they could freeze all the nuclear waste to an insanely cold temperature but it didn't work this is like a strategy that they were developing but apparently fell apart I don't know what the fuck to do it's just you just don't you can't do anything I mean I'd like to do something to keep trying to space and no yeah they're already do you like I had a friend who I used to live with who is kind of new agey but also conspiracy theory Ash and he would he was convinced that our planet was them the off limits

for the entire universe where every other planet was much more advanced their dislike don't go down there all they do is fight and and and blow things up and there and they don't share with each other and stuff is just don't come when people do stuff like that always feel like they're anthropomorphizing like the idea that their life would be anything like our life I got a bunch of characteristics there's a bunch of things that have to be in place for us to get to the point or going to war with each other that are people that are over there right there's no war in the ocean ever noticed that they don't they don't have any you know each other and it's normal really bond with mammals only because fish don't do a goddamn thing for the kids yet

does dirty fight cuz they don't really have a like it's a trick it's like Nature's trick them did not be attached for the kids they blast some eggs down on the bottom of the floor and then the mail's come on in Jay's On The Edge but I'm done here to take care of a few female fish that keep the babies in their mouth you've seen those and then they let him go like when the babies are in trouble to hold them in their mouth and I are we going good then they open up in the babysitter swim around here but things that live in the ocean that we do love like dolphins take care of their young killer whales take care of young it's kind of a mammalian traits we always try to create another planets is out this is it

right away that's crazy what kind of fish is that doesn't say that's amazing fish right yeah like it's a hookah it looks like I was watching Blue Planet 2 the other day and there is it's not a fish apparently it's called like a toad of some kind but it's it hangs on the bottom and it has fetus looks like a fish that grew feet that walks around yeah I don't believe so it's actually got some sort of toad I think technically but yeah and they look like human feet almost amazing one of the weirdest things about the ocean was there was a theory that was going around a few years ago that I don't know if this is legit or not good at Google that they think that it's entirely possible that octopus octopi may have come

from eggs that were frozen and landed here from an asteroid there was speculation that there was something about the way that the way that they pray you know the DNA and RNA of octopus are so different than every other animal in the fossil record that it's almost that they were there was a consideration that they might have actually been an alien species in sperm you means panspermia is a theory that is pretty widely accepted in the scientific community that some life is transferred through asteroid collisions so like that say if a chunk of rock slams into our planet and knocks a chunk of rock loose and that chunk has DNA on it and amino acids and all the building blocks for Life Church bacteria whatever it is things are some things you know little things can survive in space like tardigrades little life-form could you survive in space right that they slam into a planet eventually and then

they do that that life is transferred onto that new planet Science News police came to Earth from space as frozen eggs millions of years ago the express that's already a little bit version of aliens coming here something is like hi I'm I'm here to share with our our planet all all tuna or whatever and it speaks English and all this shit like it's it's on a biological level that week almost can't comprehend. James police extraordinary claims made in a report entitled the case of Cambrian explosion terrestrial or Cosmic which caused by a group of 33 scientists and published in the progress in biophysics and molecular biology turn on the paper suggests that the explanation for the sudden flourishing of life during the Cambrian are often referred to as the Cambrian explosion lies in the Stars

as a result of Earth being bombarded by clouds of organic molecules wow I think that's also the theory of how water got on Earth they came from the same came from, it's cuz when you see comments comments are all water and I think like millions of years of us getting hammered by comments but you know when you see that Trails of, that's literally ice and debris coming off of that, I didn't know that literally the more you know the more you know in a comment but they think that about mushrooms as well they think that spores can survive in a vacuum so if something like say if some spores were attached to a Rover and we shot it off to move to the moon or something like that and it got there somehow or another if there is the right conditions for that thing to grow that they could actually survive the trip and then grow on the moon or on mars or anywhere with water and sunlight and atmosphere like Invasion of the Body Snatchers

what sports are you being weird right because spores create mushrooms and mushrooms actually breathe oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide they say they're there closer to an animal than they are the vegetables I thought about that when I went of eating magic mushrooms will you also feel like it's taking it like it's a live inside of you communicating with you right. Don't you feel like that it's not as simple as I'm getting high when I eat mushrooms I feel like I'm entering into the thought process of an alien creature oh yeah yeah do you put on like a spacesuit on the inside evolving a certain way if only for like seven or eight hours or something no I hydrant do you have a good kind of medicine kills me man

you just you just pick the most random name you could have but I'm just like that makes perfect sense he's beautiful he's a real comedian that he's always a mess as beautiful as always hilarious. Relationships are always full chaos okay he's always drunk he's always a peach you never know always just he's that he's like he's like America's wisecracking drunk uncle but not racist like you know there's certain mystical gateways in and signed you say that are like oh hey things will be okay I saw the magic monkey in the tree I landed in Las Vegas with my wife and she Las Vegas and we went to the cab line and just standing there is Ron White smoking a cigar City put in there but he's waiting for

as you drive into the city where he's there all the time he's there all the time during the rodeo if you're in early December that's always in the rodeo is that clubs awesome Denver do you work the Mirage ever go there a perfect perfect size theater for comedy it's not too big but it's all like right in front of you I used to work the place where they do the Cobb Theater where they do the Cirque du Soleil cavernous I'd rather do that cuz then it's fun. It was just too big that people don't think about in terms of I think like we only think about that comedians are promoters like the architecture of a good, do you know like DeGeneres being comedy clubs lower ceiling

Auto are the are The Comedy Store Denver Minneapolis he's got a few pillars that are a little Annoying that's true that's true ceiling I left you worry about who's behind it it's like being around I'm always like I feel like I have to keep spinning you know I've only done that a couple times and it always feels weird people in front of me this a good theater in Phoenix though the Hollywood Theater they do that in the round okay Louie did one of his specials there one of his HBO's all right yeah that's crazy cuz that's a huge they turn around it's not that big really think it's 2900 okay I don't even think it's not big

it might not even be 2900 maybe 2700 find out

maybe I'm wrong

but I know Sebastian I think he did theatre-in-the-round Madison Square Garden God bless that 8000 so good back with no one knew where he was who he was you know three years ago or so like I would make a point to stick around and watch him at the store please so fun he's a great guy to give her a grudge is Sebastian his success you probably should head making up all these all these stories into his his facial expressions in his his physical comedy it's just par exsalonce I love it yeah and he's always annoyed by everything is annoying to have like this whole thing

what would you do you know I used to legit think about that when I was starting out when I was starting to Comedy like I wanted to meditate and to try to do these different things besides It's gotta be bad for your act I should probably not do these least healthy pressed the angry lonely join my all-time favorite axe super depressed when I'm killing himself and just like God damn it when I heard the news because he's one of those that I could just get fed up with comedians that are fans anymore

Bonney Lake is it you made a noise like laughter but you see everything is a competition I love watching good Comics whoever they are and like to talk about this in the podcast that I think what that came from was there was a famine mentality that existed in like the 80s and the 90s because the only way you could become successful as if you got on The Tonight Show and it was only once upon a night and there's like five nights a week and then if they don't know is to have comics on either and then the only other way you could get successful as if you got a sitcom on HBO special which famous people got right yeah that was that that was the highest Seinfeld or Tennis Center someone big can HBO special so for a regular smell like URI back then it was like why do you do

how do you make it so everybody was dog-eat-dog it was all and I think somewhere along the like the early to mid-2000s that shifted and shifted because of the internet that's true yes it is kind of thought of it as an organic thing from you know cuz the comedy boom happen because disco died and you could basically fill out a huge room with just a spotlight on Mike and 1/2 cocaine and everyone did disco like Kenny Rogers it A disco song with just like everybody so I thought it was because we kind of just came to our senses as audience members inconvenience but you're right it is the internet the internet came along and Comics are promoting themselves and someone

is Dane Cook for sure cook was the first guy to really become famous through the internet and then everyone including me started paying attention to another way even though there is the regular television shows and movies and all that stuff there's this way to made the biggest selling comedian of all time on the website we should be at the time I was like who has that kind of thing the smart one and he also spent all day respond to get people online and then build up this reputation for doing that and then promoted the shit out of himself through my space and all these different ways that he promoted you know the shows of Santana became gigantic yeah and then everyone else around two thousand three or four that's when we all started jump in Right, Said Myspace accounts and Comics have Facebook pages and and I you know I'd website in the 90

cite a website way back in the night but a base we just wrote blogs on it and had a message board and fucked around the message board but what he did was use it as a business vehicle right away to actively promote himself so then somewhere in the mid-2000s comic started doing internet things like little internet shows like crackle was a thing and they were doing little online things and then people working with each other more gas instead of comics being like competition they were it was camaraderie sure you were doing each other's stuff and then podcasting took it over the top yes you can really help each other I feel like in between there one thing you one thing you left out was the amount of the rise what you call the internet comedian which were they just kind of would make blogs and they had people that would edit them if they would be funny, where you learn timing you learn how to read an audience that the flow your brain waves and how to pick one

say something in the house you know cuz timing is everything with with internet video you can have an editor just don't know care care here he said that faster and it's it's this thing that kind of fanta these kids into YouTube millionaires if they were lucky but sometimes they go on the road and people are like something that's going on every single time that eat plates of shit like you can't just do that's like learning karate in your basement practicing in the mirror and then going to fight in the tournament tutorial of fake martial arts edit constantly and make those YouTube videos with constant edit edit edit edit edit where they cut out all the pauses that's still a thing

remember when that was like the primary way these people are doing these blogs everybody had it was like then you had everything was edited by Peter would be like that's what time I was into a disco Dacosta click and if you cut to me beating off and then back to me and the audience. I've watched a couple people recently try to transfer that doing stuff in front of a microphone in front of a video camera to going on stage for the first time I've watched that it's so terrifying terrifying it it kind of brakes the Covenant of an audience because anytime like I have an opener who's like they're like I'm a mess you fucking nervous about what you still get nervous and like yeah course of course I'd be a sociopath almost every time but you just

it's fine but I always tell him look mandanis is rooting for you but they want you to do good people forget they think you're they take every time you're on the road it's it's an away game unless you're a hot girl yeah that's why I don't know who you are as a hot girl with a skirt good fucking luck because I don't take him seriously I want sex but that's a weird look to like a girl with I like long legs and a mini skirt and high heels on stage telling jokes is strained that doesn't work we attractive comedian male or female is always been a little weird to me yes

when your roommate and a physical trainer and he emailed both of us like we're like hey can we get booked on your show email to both of us just he must take an every email in his in his penis block and just sent it out a blast of he is if you need if you need to get fit and the picture was a picture of him shirtless under a waterfall like head. Just look at a waterfall time soon touch with nature sometimes I go back I can by myself my favorite one of my top five onion headlines was the the trucker guy is like why do those homosexuals keep sucking my cock

I would have bro under a waterfall with their head back like a specialty have long hair flowing locks and they start as I can let me know when you're done super Spirit comes out of basically plant-based super spiritual out here that's like a kid that's like a kid in Thailand that's like a elephant, you're like the muscular white dude more like it handsome man feeling good look at a girl but it doesn't bother me at all my girls doing it get that girl back

what is that waterfall doesn't bother me at all I see a girl under a waterfall with her hair back like that not even a tinge of disgust fun facts not like she's not going to wait what you doing look at me with his arms down on the bottom bottom row

the Galaxies have a good time at the fun dude fucking party bro world needs happy men that's the what kind of fucking articles that I mean who wrote that some depressed dude right about to shoot himself he's got a gun sitting on on the desk right next to the laptop like why the world needs happy man

it's like yeah well if you're that guy

bird fucking loses all his weight every year we do this weight loss thing I see over October thing SoulCycle with his wife fuck I mean that's unbelievable he keeps telling me he sent out a mass text us the other day that we have is a group of my phone call the sober October Group address is one of the best text message threads ever it's ruthless yeah it's Segura re me and Bert and something's burning with Bert Kreischer that burn is not calories as was not burned but he sent out this message of the day like I missed a heart rate monitors Private Ryan so sensitive

you're stalking without me what you doing what's going on over there I love Birdman tell everyone where he's going to drink and then he meets them at the bar takes the shirt off in Ottowa like a hundred fifty degrees below zero he drinks with the mall and then leaves

he gets his tour bus I don't I don't go to the second location it all hang out of the club a little bit take pictures of stuff with people and they have a beer but like I've done in the past ice do in the past but it after while becomes untenable you're playing like 5000-10000 Cedars now that's a lot of pictures you can't I watch I-55 watch Jo Koy hanging out with ground like they're going to kill him like they're going to close up like yeah it out like there's so many people trying to get a selfie with him and he just played a stadium and you just outside just like dude just Joe security people with him for sure but razors whip jump ship Jesus

you got to be careful but God bless them all drunk to get that they were going to kidnap him to give it up when I meet him at the next day they check their phone like that itself is all blurry and shit like your hand was shaking from the DJ Screw quick give me a selfie selfie, but trying to dress up my Facebook my wife's not talking to the doctors say I've longed so come around writing this article for Vox about why the world needs happy man

I have three bullets in the chamber of spending it once every 6 hours against Spain say about marriage that marriage is essentially Russian roulette with three bullets

I guess because one's going to die first fifty percent of marriages end in divorce and then there's a Chris Rock wild that's just he goes that's just the people that had the courage to get out he's like how many cowards to stay and suffer so true true Catholic so true but that's about to get married I see people get married in like to tell people like yeah I'm married I'm happy I love it don't do it don't do it through and chill cat like marriage advice we have a lot every single month of people call in and say hey man should I shouldn't I can't give people advice is first of all there is no fucking way I know how you actually are together when you're alone I don't know so I don't

I go by myself and make sure you're doing this this this this and then you're on your own and I'll never be mean to me

I don't care she's so mean. Just brutal is the meanest advice on the show who was the meanest one speaker because I got big big leprechauns like how do I make it or when's the right time to move to LA or New York never or whatever but it's like 12 years or something and Andrew was just like to say that to anyone to just say back it up and get a move on your hitting for you and nobody Andrew was saying that and it was kind of like I appreciate his honesty you know well

I just think that it requires an obsession I give your not like fully obsessed you're probably not going to put the thought process in the effort to do and you're not going to survive the bombings know the bombings like the they test your soul amount of hate where where were New York and the dead silence and hearing a guy in the back to be like you fucking kidding me can we fucking go home now and then Jesus Christ like audibly audibly in the silence oh my God I just hear that guy in my dreams it was bombing on stage once in the sky goes your fucking terrible

and I was like it's right it's not going to say I didn't even respond like nothing I can say dude with you I can't even pull myself out of this and I will be on stage at the 1st best celebrity was in Chicago, fast when I found I found the booklet from it recently like cleaning out my ass and 2001 and it was Doug Stanhope. Schwartz in Tosh Kyle who else fucking bill Dwyer bunch of random like awesome people but pads are staging in Marin Marin still drank because the last time you drank that weekend wasn't man wasn't drinking way back in the eighties no do you start drinking again

I'll get with sweating like set it to see you so hungover but Patton would like to drop it in and places and his chick was so mad she got bunches like you fucking suck and I agree with you I agree she was mad at him because she got bump haha and and so she was saying he suck in the audience and it's kind of like this is a free-form room but I get to where I'm at so she's a, can you say I could be killing you

like an old lady was scowling yeah I had an old lady like that store the other day older lady like she was like halfway into my ACT still had this look in her face like I don't know what this one bit and it's one bed she throws her head back and then she's howling like when she was like all the sudden chest feeling gave in the booze into the booze kicked in that would be a struggle. I wonder what it would be like if we had liquor free comedy nights have you played you after play like those weed rooms yes yes we did the Toronto won the underground no air for the candles on the table the candles were running on a promissory note just goes no oxygen in the room it was all just weed smoke

can thoughts every linear thought with a tree branch it was growing Ram like which one do I follow did you guys know when I was doing it was doing it with Tripoli and Tripoli was sober at the time okay but we walk in his room in the second hand smoke is a fucking real thing that wait till after my set I don't like doing comedy high and I felt I felt high on stage and it's that thing works like well you just got to run with it you can't you can't fight the tide don't know much you're not getting any better keep going to show that guy Andy Haynes had called Midnight Run where you'd smoke right before you go on stage and you just hit this big joint and I was doing great and then I had to shoot set up and then my brain just the bottom fell out everything fell out all ideas are thoughts my name and I just went it was like and then the girl turns to me I got to go

and I walked in the middle of a settlement with a crushed and laughing so hard cuz I just pulled the records pulled me out of the room sometimes as your friend and sometimes it'll fuck up your whole set but sometimes it'll go why why is that never been on and that tanjun might be the best part of that set I think about people that were like from very regimented backgrounds and run to the military in the sixties and then hit their first joined with this is dumb I hate this thing about I found about marijuana is it introduced truths about myself that I found hard to face anything big that I that I was afraid of or something you know they like I really want to kill someone or something stupid but it was just little things that would like bubble up

think about that plan to me the idea that it makes you paranoid right that's it it's the paranoia I don't like pot it makes me paranoid I really think it makes you hyper aware of all sorts of things you've been suppressing that's it cuz when I'm feeling good when I'm happy like I've been a good person I've been nice to people have done things I'm supposed to do I can get high and I enjoy the shit out of it but when I got loose ends. Things are fucking with me you know maybe like something that went wrong in my life or whatever and then I smoke pot and just get to smoke and think about myself and get worried about me I think about the world and I think I'm way too big of issues Network I think about maybe we're all fucked and you know everything and give children have children then you start thinking about the future yeah like what is it going to be like for my children's children or their children like you like what what kind of toxic world are going to be living in this progress that we are exhibiting right now

who keeps going in the same direction as a human race that probably for five years ago but we're handling it you know you're going to learn that the amount of times I'm so happy for comedy I'm so thankful that I can kind of just let the air out of me anytime what did you do before you did, cuz I was a kid then I went to school for acting and then I went to Chicago and I got an improv and stand-up and that was it where I was like I'll still do acting but like this is so much more fun if you can do it here near but there is you know when you're on station you're going through a bit you've done 50 times and you just drop it and go you know what the worst diarrhea together today

sherriff and the causes of cuz a defense attorney wrote this book and one line in it was the truth just sounds different in court it just sounds different and it's the same thing for a comedian when a person is ghost

I think my wife loves me now this is the meat you know no good now we have something to the chew on and that's that the immediacy of that can't really be matched improv maybe Live Theater sure but stand up comedy is the is the moment like Buddhism likes to stay in the moment I'm in in, if you're out if you stay out of the moment you're no longer in the pole position your car is going to drive off the off the off the road so far more than they know they know you know I've been reading these articles written by these angry women about Lucy case come back and some of them been going to his shows and writing about the show and one of them was from this woman in Pittsburgh what I thought was fastening she said that he has heat doesn't allow people to bring cellphones you know they have those yondr pouches we put

and the the woman's hair rationalization of this was and it should be included me and Dave Chappelle in this that we use those because we know that words offend but we don't want the consequences which is not what it is at all now it's you don't want people sharing your if your material online because you're developing it and you're touring with it and jokes are a surprise around before they finish this song right but it musicians song the difference is you can hear it over and over and over again and it doesn't lose any the thing you are disappointed but if you have a bit about diapers right and there's like a very specific punchline about a diaper and then they already know it they know that punchline and you're working out how to get that punchline and how to set up the bit but someone leaked the audio already touring right now with that leak set which is weird right like what

stuff about the Parkland kids and I don't know if he's still doing those bit but he's doing some of those bit losing all the money and about reference those bits in the article which means that she went to the show and he's doing the material from the Wichita to do because he's only if you wrote an hour over the last 10 months are Aries been Hiatus what what is he do like what you can't is touring tour with a whole new our get the fuck out of here I feel like a special case because of his behavior it's almost like I will say that aside It'll like I have my problems with Lillian and what he's done and everything but overall I'm on the side of of free speech and in terms of being comedians we can allow you to come in and fill Marsh it or recorded no matter who it is because it's

it's the the largest thing is like everyone one thing the commies I want everyone everyone thinks you're an expert there's no other art form or someone's like I know what the best shit is or if I got a friend funnier than you. In all fairness if I go to see a movie I'm not a movie maker but if I go to see a movie I think it sucks I should be able to say all the movie Blue true but you're not allowed to go on set and film it yourself while they're filming right well you're also not allowed to Bootleg it and then put it online to go to jail record our stuff like right after the lowest Chappelle has like The Comedy Works has where you coming with your cell phone they put it in a locked pouch you get the combo when you leave I was doing that before I did my Netflix special but I was only doing it to really because I was tightening up my my set and I didn't want any of it getting leaked right before the Netflix special but once I filmed it then I stopped doing it

because I was like it's too hard too complicated and it's just like the internet is going to be the Internet is just it did make the show better though you know where did make it better Miami Lakes Miami people are there such Champs that they just kept getting up and walking out and should check their phone get up and go out to get their phone to come back and so they were all just like popping up and down everybody's just trying to fuck and do Coke in Miami 21 it is a cocaine City means created by yeah and then you you go there and their likes are you going to even go out tonight and you're like I'm out a.m.

do that have a wife girl high on coke and pills you mentioned Chappelle and I will not say what the joke is but that guy is such an alchemist like you can just make gold out of lead into material he had a Bourdain joke that made me double over laughing about the suicide wasn't talking about per se but about his own family member like I don't want to build a joke but it was apologies people through listen to this I know you want me to say what it is but there's always possible there's always a topic like you cannot make fun of this for and someone's on the way and it wasn't disrespectful and I was just like God dammit

where you going this one is Christ you can't make fun of something is crazy I just can you just you might do it wrong but someone to do it right yeah I mean it might might not be your style but someone can do it by weird styles of the one of the beautiful things about comedy is a fact that styles are so personal yes and I like to Dave Attell might be able to do a bit. You know Sebastian could not do it just not in his wheelhouse Dave Attell is probably the funniest man on Earth is one of them sure just kills me push it out of the air and he's so prolific always writing always always talk to me is so beautiful in that is really is an art form that you can't learn anywhere like you have to learn it yourself it's not like you can learn how to play the clarinet

you going to classes and practice music never created anything and you could play Beautiful clarinet music to ever have invented a single song and you could just go out there and make a living playing the clarinet Clarinet from the audience bring it to the clarinet open you're not going to get up there and play Flight of the Bumblebee right away is there anything else we have to learn in front of people like that

and even basketball you practice in the gym there might be a couple friends hanging out the only only I can pick up that you get you can only get better in front of a crowd it's really crazy and there's no classes all classes that you take are useless really they're all taught by fools sorry folks teaching comedy classes John Roy right stuff online that I think is really Illuminating to teach you what the business is really liking and and what the best comedy is from a comedian perspective but he's not he just put some up there for free he's not sitting in a room so we can give you code like a good, can coach you just came out of this way maybe that would be an easier like me. I did that for for a show where a guy who is he was more of like a pilot

just came kind of talking about the news and stuff and basically I day brought me into kind of just loosen him up to make it the best party hat you your hair is natural in front of your friends after a couple beers that you are on stage and it was just like I'm tightening muscles on this guy I'm just like nope nope you're you're you're leaning into the funny you're trying that you're getting loud you think that's my No no just you know it's hard for people to see how other people have seen one of the reasons why people like to avoid recordings or films and I want to watch himself cuz you watch yourself you like yeah worst of your special I have a cousin that you already know all the jokes that I did not feel I have a special coming out February 5th called final at 5:11 Portland and what's it coming out

Amazon Prime play iTunes on seems to be the trend in Comedy Central they both have a good relationship with him but they're like our rosters full for this year we'll try for next year and I'm like man it's it's the first part of the year now yeah yeah yeah it's in Callan to count just did the same thing it's like you get to a point we like look I got to go I get it that you guys have specials on the back burner ready to rock and roll. About to wake people up but I got to make my thing but to the point besides my obvious sneaking in a plug there I like watching the cut of it with it with an editor I'm deaf people like none of them all those jokes but that's cuz you're good they love everything you do

this late on Bobby Lee real quick even though we've been there the last season they canceled it make of that what you will but he would watch playback and we just watch himself he likes to the point where Keegan-Michael Key and me and Eric would just point me

Sicily she was literally laughing his own shit and I admired that about him I'm just like I could never get sad mental delusions get something wrong with brain he he needs to put a special I've been telling him the best stand-up comedians alive and you don't have a special he's still yeah he asked if he could do 20 minutes or so down on himself can you let this guy do 45 really says that when he goes to a club over there to see him go down and still crazy Crush you still funny I talked to him about it for years I've known Bobby Lee for 20 plus years he's never put out a comedy special that's insane Bobby Lee almost got me killed at a strip club in San Diego

30 believe it be continued

and I met Bobby Lee down there at the La Jolla comedy store and then we went out after the show this somewhere and there was this Mexican gentleman with the tattoo on his face in the 90s which is rare any other long straight black hair and and he had a look inside like he's kill people a good I'm good at sniffing out Danger real danger and Bobby was hitting on his girl trying to get a lap dance from his girlfriend mean in Bobby's defense it's at a strip-club but this girl was apparently his girlfriend at a strip club and Bob and the guy stood up and I only stood up and said something to Bobby and Bobby comes over just like fuck that kind of looked at the guy with the Bob I'm getting out of here right now he's like I go you to come with me or you're going to walk home like fuck you I'm not going to kill for you. We all ran out into the car and I have a Toyota Supra at the time

I got in my car if I was like that you don't understand danger you're going to get everyone killed it's guys like you know spidey sense none none Sara I have very strong tingling like I like this guy tattoo tears he was legitimately scary looking even if he was bluffing, he basically knocks everyone out here in the bar. Nobody can do anything about it

bumping into him man he's my friend Vince Averill who's the comedian from the Midwest videos with bars a girl and a guy the guy got in this girl's face and she grabs his his collar and headbutts him unconscious she grabs that bitch must have grown up in a hard family cuz this guy is way bigger than her and there's a dangerous thing to try and she just grabs his collar and fuck it slams her forehead right into his nose I think you can you can get away with that if you're a lady you don't I mean cuz I don't do it is this I think this is

what's this

the guy I like put it going to get closer to go to sleep bitch you killed again yeah whatever help who's going to rest made up to six never let people touch even if it's a girl girl grabbing like that make you feel tension yes feel like they're about to do something when you think you're invulnerable wake up with a shattered nose get head butted into Oblivion out the thing about getting hit

that's the most dangerous thing yeah I'm so tall I would probably have permanent brain damage right all the following jelly maybe that's why Bobby so cocky cuz he's not falling very far is it to rent a tux and rolls but I'm fine I'm fine I love I love you so funny I mean murders diversity Story Once about who's that Mad TV that a table read and he hadn't slept in a couple of days he just got back from Mexico he had a giant Bowie knife like talk to

I'm sure he was fucked up on pills and you just sweating it up for days and he's at the table read just to have a cross-bite well after those days they wrote they wrote a script to fuck with him they gave him the wrong script would like extra lines with a monologue that took up like the whole page so that he would have to remember it was read it and like like he's a bird it's a Bobby and he's like supposed to fly a car and it looks up and we're crying laughing and she did they just did I like on his birthday or something to mess that was like the best prank wasn't mad tv like the longest-running sketch show ever outside of Centerline I was

too much I think it was like song parodies and things like that in and it just kept going towards your working on it but it was one of those things where was like he was still on that shows in 1994 495 95 that's crazy and then 2008 and crazy guy 2009 that ended 1995 to 2009 that's insane shot the last they canceled it I want to say January of 2009 and it was the cancer. They told her or my day on my day off was original Network he was on Fox and why does it say the seed

love you today I'm icy bring it back tried to bring it back Adam Ray was on it and a couple people is the CW drug dealers money laundering operation the CW Network what is that that's got to be some geek some easy laundry right that I quit all that just trying to figure out a way to get rid of money yeah you got to move it around by the Rings, there isn't a wedding here there are you got to think that if you're a person in this day and age that you selling drugs and you try to launder money you have to be super sophisticated about it that's the hardest part do you make millions of dollars selling drugs how do you know you have to own like laundromats or something like Pablo Escobar moving the money for the bottom of the top to the rot like fruit like there's so many

that's in there I was at a the best way to describe yourself giving anybody up I was at a luxury automobile place and this one gentleman came in who is in the rap game sure and they had a large bag of money they were looking at Lamborghinis I wasn't looking at but they sell them at this place and this guy had a bad neighbor bringing out the the money counter a money counting machine that's right and I guess if you're in the rap game that's how they like to buy a car like to just like throw a duffel bag full of cash and buy a car play my wire to come through here you go my my my I used to work with a business manager who used to work with high-end sports high on Ashley and she's like

suppertime transfer she's like not listen You'll never make my job as hard as trying to get a Lamborghini dealer to open it midnight in Las Vegas where is client wants to buy one yeah I want to buy a lamp all right now yeah million-dollar future is future is very very popular future and looks like he's got some stray hundreds in that ring finger in the in the money Bryce fucking that really was pants are down very low and she noticed they might be a flashlight and failed into that stack of cash dollars in cash. Do you have that back in the height of his is of his his heavyweight rain he used to carry like something like $20,000 on him at all times or something insane that's normal isn't it

the rapper I remember reading that article about a ride Mike Tyson eventually he's going hunting you unless you kill a bankruptcy right because like women were coming after him for child support so he said he was bankrupt but he also made hundreds of millions of dollars off of vitamin water get some weird bankruptcy thing we was it was child support is that what got him in the end and vodka vodka have a baby by Me Baby Be A Millionaire I'll write the check for the baby comes who the fuck cares

I'm a hit record out in like a decade right this she could dry up like maybe I need to go bankrupt and stop paying these ladies

what is a cash-only business see if I had it all hidden I don't know what he did like vitamin water thing isn't cash only I don't know how I think I think you're serious probably sound but I'm just feeling like I think it was literally because of that like someone's trying to hit him up either for alimony or child support he was like I got an idea to hire some Financial Wizards sorcery people give people money like like you break up and go okay well now you got to give the money like I totally makes sense but like if you dated someone for a couple years and then you married him and then why you're married you made a million dollars I didn't make anything yeah I can't have that money I want money from you

on the road but I want you to support my lifestyle I'm used to a certain Lifestyle by no 16 husband or something that was his custom what you can't change you cannot change there's no way you could live a middle-class life anymore okay it's flying lesson first class now can you probably went during whatever recession or something there's some video of of Puff Daddy getting on a plane and he was like he's like your boy isn't flying private going to fix these problems man I got to fly in first class

why would I give a shit your boy isn't flying private oh my God that was amazing thank you for tweeting about this I was worried about the government shutdown at the whoever spell Eminem on TMZ and I think about the person that's in like Group D for that plane with a call you in a ditch just like you and like a stray dog that leads let on the plane was he saying he wasn't flying private because the money wasn't flowing because I use my last check to get on this plane to see about a job offer in Tulsa Jesus he's one of those guys like he had some fucking billboard on Sunset there's like can't stop won't stop I thought I told you that we don't stop can't stop won't stop it's like I told you that we don't stop but I thought you stopped and seen you in awhile you didn't stop

is 2008 because the gas prices are too high so they stop Flying private if I was playing stadiums or something like that in 2008 and I got on the plane and yelled at it and someone just creased my brow with a brick I just hit me in the face burned completely aren't you don't like it some of his violence is the answer come on man speakers bring their own small speaker and overpower the music is playing over the know what the fuck is that that happened to Tony and I in Toronto we're like what the fuck is this just got just playing this shity music like really loud like techno

Bruce brings his own music and you got to listen to him cuz you're right next to the lat pulldown machine with the lack of appreciation for other people like watch their iPads and are like a phone and they watch something with the volume up twice I'm not a very confrontational person but I just like a can you put some more but then I'd like I don't have any like turn the sound off and they like to give me a look like I would like I said something like off if you would take your pants off that insane but they just look at me like making people listen you're stupid shit it's just it's it's distracting its grading what's weird is you go to a restaurant and you'll see two kids sitting opposite of each other with iPad they basically bring portable television and they're both watching a different thing and it's like

wound yes conflicting sound of two child program going back and forth of his opposite side of the table and the loud house at a restaurant the other day and there was two children and two parents and no one was talking to each other the dad was looking at phone haha the wife was looking at her phone to kids really going to iPads and no one was communicated just sitting there like everyone with the press the wrong fat have game rooms anymore though like when I was growing up we would go to restaurant get a dollar game room for an hour to the food game that you can play for games or an hour and I was hardly ever since you were a young boy yourself

pinball League. He's got pinball machines at his restaurant at summation out of pinball like lawn darts yeah bro this is the world's strongest man that's great and all but I'm the king the lawn darts I fucking rule or you could kill someone with a blond aren't used to be like a small football without becoming popular you know why because girls in their underwear on Instagram with throwing hatchets yeah like Aubrey his girlfriend Whitney the throwing hatchets at Targets

need a new way to be violent during drinking like this just throwing it out it's also very retro just do exes always land the right way that's what it was Fripp freaks me out and it always lands with the blade in the body imagine someone threw a knife at you and the handle hit like this like I'll bet she's getting every night slide in your rib cage I never knew about that Andrew Jackson was in something like a hundred duels Skillet killed one person I thought he killed a lot of you do she get shot in the arm or like you know like a musket-ball would go good like your leg or the one where he killed the guy he actually it was I forget that guy's name

he was known as being a really good deal he killed a lot to be like 26 people or something like that so we challenged this guy and he thought the only way to win would be to let him take the first shot so he let him take the first shot that hit in the chest was bleeding covered the hole and then shot the guy and he died he said he fell immediately in and I'd like a couple hours later I think I don't know if he was a president at the time but the doctor said like I don't know how you stood and took that shot and he said I would if he shot me the brain I was going to stand it take that shot to kill this guy I don't know if Andrew Jackson's crazy crazy just where his where is where the statue of him is in Jackson Square in New Orleans there's that church this behind it and that this is why aren't you supposed to the most haunted city is because they had the most duels because once Andrew Jackson contacted Jean Lafitte and was like I need an army and John the feet was basically a gangster which is basically someone that can get you anything

like that's what the connected guy does and so he got him freed slaves Native Americans Creoles Cajuns and just you know angry men and they repelled the British but then they stayed and they just lived in the bars and they were all happy cuz Eagles are so big I have to look for these I can't find them what they had was dueling cards or if you had one it would take Joe Rogan have your face you know probably that image and it would say you know dueling cards and someone bumped into you and you were like you just giving your car to be like see you in the morning mother fucker that means we're shooting it out over nothing and a guy goes to are the guy taught me this and told me the story and he said imagine the amount of guys who are hungover woke up like a fuck what do I do and imagine laying there with a bullet or a piece of round lead in your liver and on like I'm dead over this shit like

they also said that a lot of time is the the door when actually happen like they might not actually shoot it was more as a test of will of like will you go by to make to like verify that the door actually went down is the book like the judge

certain states were duels are legal I think they're still legal in Arizona are they used to be because there was a cop who shot someone in a duel like years back really yeah it was that was a weird thing like a cop was off-duty and he shot someone in a duel

man I want to see this is more than 10 years ago smoothie change the law but I remember reading that go on what you can say what's up this fucking dual Washington State as mutual combat law cuz I know I watched a video of this dude who was the MMA fighter used to dress up like a superhero on fuck people up in he would like to stop people from committing crimes and then fight them and then one video Carlos photo photo I think his name was he was fighting someone in Seattle in front of cops like some guy agreed to fight them and then you see right away what a terrible idea to me leg kicks the guy in the guy's got this look on his face like oh my God you actually not a fight if he beat the shit out of this guy on Phoenix Jones

this is exactly so we can kick your ass and this is in front of the cops like fuck you he's like you know you said you going to fuck get any is wearing a superhero costume on and they give me something about

it's time to backup you guys walking towards

cucm wearing that outfit yeah and you think I can kick this guy's ass for sure I was going to come so fucking cosplay dork but watch that skip ahead

he's like okay

so the guy wouldn't stop badgering them and then finally in front of the cops they agreed to let these dudes duke it out holy shit that's it right there let it go there watch this

that's the first life by moving around and again you got a useless and he started to kick 2

good job to the body that you fucked up wow

goddess guidance life of a real problem

August 4th

that guy is basically hop around on one leg that's it that's a wrap app that's

mr. You're right yeah it's a mutual on that lot and cops are standing by watching this guy get brained yeah that's what's crazy is like it's very responsible for the cops because that's not a good fighting surface Bukowski novel where these guys are all Gathering after like a night out or something and this guy is hung over and he's just like he's like I heard you got in a fight and you just like a man that guy had to be a pro beat me so bad I shipped myself. Everyone okay to fight but like when you find a pro it just done what's like playing basketball if you don't know how to play basketball thing guys dunking on Ewing like shit that's what it's like is there a state where it's legal to duel there's no firearm do what how long ago

is it still legal in the late 1800s I believe so maybe this guy did it he was a cop he he had a duel with a guy was fucking his wife what's up he just killed the guy I don't know I don't remember the story entirely need definitely killed somebody Jesus

when was he was a cop I remember the whole story being that it was very controversial but but it was legal and remember all fucked up

I've been more than 10 years ago

fireplaces five places where it's okay to shoot somebody cruise ship Carnival Cruises and some guy insults your name and throws Jello at you the laws of the ships are which several countries that that's nuts cruise ships that I'll be on the deck when some guy throws his wife offense of the side of the boat right and you got to do something like that to bed early. Yeah we had an argument but we're deeply in love and we had a couple of people I love her and her disappearing and what's fucked up I learned from a buddy of mine who is news with the Second City touring company or Turco and they were on a cruise ship and he was telling me that they found out that

like all the food you don't eat they grind it all up into shootout in the water that attracts game fish in the game Fish attract sharks so anytime is it there's a cruise ship there's just sharks all the time all the time really yeah so so that's not there's not a lot of Hope oh good Christ did you see that video of that woman in Hawaii swimming around with the largest known great white shark know it's amazing it's a more than 20 ft long great white shark it's not like guess where she's just swimming around women with it yeah in the Water swimming with it yeah she's got an Instagram page is filled with photos of her and the shark off of Wahoo it's so big it's so big it doesn't even look real and she just swimming alongside this thing it's a female Shark Tank 20 20 ft long at least so she just saw it and it's warm up I can't think she's like an expert okay see if you can find that

I got stuck in another article about the duel sorry to go back to Oregon has a law that they were trying to get rid of two years ago I don't know I'm trying to find out where they could get his gun where's dick is that's a step back but it's still a close to scrap 170 year old ban on Dual for public officials highlight how many Arcane log still up help but it's like I never knew I could have been in state band so that people know how stupid these old laws are there still in the book speaks if they decided it would not be very civil of two members of the legislature disagreed and then shot each other on the front steps of the provisional Capital to bad luck to buy Ted Cruz and Paul Ryan

you suck one cock is one shot that's it I like in the upper right hand corner Maga hat boy refuses to apologize in a infuriating interview that kid look drugged and coached was like he was just so we both are ya if I put them on some Prozac they did an interview with him it was a disaster cuz he said a bunch of things that just absolutely weren't true and it did their questioning whether or not he actually was in Vietnam he definitely didn't serve in Vietnam but he wasn't in combat right but you know he had some some conflicting stories okay prepared for this kind of attention it's like a bleeding heart Lefty for sure I hate those those fucking hats but like I fighting to stay at the same time every teenage boy is a fucking idiot everyone and like it it's for those boys were

standing there doing their school chance while these that there's a long video on the videos 2 hours long I haven't watched it but I watch segments of it in the segments of it you see those Native American guys walk up to those boys and chants with with their drums so they're all there for different reasons yeah so the boys were there for the March for Life which is a pro-life March right there from a Catholic School stupid Red Hats and then the Native American guy was there a short for a different reason these different sort of March is going on and that's all that's all right as Citizens but it's just that they're all the Lincoln Memorial together these boys did not have like a good shop around like the boys were while they do it they yelled they said something like it's not rape if you enjoy enjoy

it doesn't mean everybody should be beat up as one of your stupid fucking classmate says something really dumb cuz he thinks he's funny and it's 15 a friend of mine was in like in Chicago for doing a play and they were doing like a scene from the play on stage and I can imagine Jesus Christ and it was is that it's that it's the race to the bottom boys trying to make each other laugh cuz what's the worst thing rape so this kids going to yell something about ring around its children for sure but it shouldn't be judged publicly on a global scale like this pretty much everything them and their parents

foreign stuff but it's their right to demonstrate you know what I mean so not mean they are too young to know what the fuck they're even demonstrating about sharp to really have a good argument about it make to bring kids to a pro-life demonstration have them chant and yelder School songs and and put on Maga hats like the whole thing is so fucked up it's right I mean what I said about anxiety it's just we're at each other's fucking throats and like I mean have a bit of my ACT about how like I feel like the internet was built for us to tear each other apart because we're running away and then if you put us in a room together and talk it out I think we would I think we would take care of our kids we all want to have fun we are bound of a life you know but I also say like I'm also like I love people but I fucking hate people

without speaking to another human being ever have one of those days that was delicious that's only if you have too much though recharge appreciate people you see him get that where you at you're on the way to Comedy Store and go right now but it's like a comedy sometimes and the gym sometimes I don't want to talk and go but everytime I'm glad I did that didn't work bothers me most about this is that they wanted Doc's these kids and power address out there adults that you know fucking 50 years old that really know what they're doing

like you thought where it's kind of like this kid gets strangled to death for selling cigarettes I don't think that I should be ruined it's like I feel like we we we talked enough about it these kids did what they did let's move on but during this situation like this is a consequences of social media the fact you can take a video of someone doing something incredibly stupid when they're 16 years old and what they did was not even that stupid all I did was stand there and smirk dad is being abused being a shit head but like I see if he's just standing there and someone comes up to him beating a drum how you supposed to react I feel like how do you think you would be incorrect the kid was standing there the Native American walked up to him beating the drum

but that kid that kid wasn't there he walked in of walking up to him okay but with the video that I saw the kid was standing there and that guy walked up to him but here's the thing Injustice 2 hours then there's a video of these people that's 2 hours long and the video that I saw those kids were staying there chanting and that guy walked to those kids and was beating his drum if that one specific kid walk down but still dead guy instigated it by walking to them beating the drum not always at that guy got in that kids face and beat that drum inches away from his face the whole group but I need an american guy said that they were saying Build That Wall Build That Wall but there's no evidence that the guy that the problem is the guy's a human Native American

right now he's probably not prepared at all for this kind of scrutiny on there's a lot that he did with CNN that is just full of holes and it doesn't match up to the video doesn't match up to what happened and it's like this is all you can pull pull up video Apple that article did you try to find that article to CNN article there was an article about the article that I read either way I will say like you know I've I've said for years probably 15-20 years now I'm so glad you two did not exist Mountain High School. My God cuz you're just the things you would say on Twitter or SnapChat or any of those things I mean I I did not grow up like you know my parents generation

being mildly racist you know I grew up pretty woke as the kids say in Portland Oregon so bored in Chicago but I grew up in Portland but it was also it's funny we had we had we had right wing Nazi groups moving in when I was in high school games from LA and then from Central Oregon and further toward Idaho you had this discussion a Metzger who had like a little party in it was just like that drink free beer and they play punk rock music in the thing that everyone misses when they look at those groups be at a gang or a white supremacist skinhead group or whatever it's it's it's a community first four people and that's what they look at it first Community sadly over focusing hate but I just feel like

so they're all they walked up to him being in there banging the drums and you standing there okay there's a kid there the guy walked right up to him you showing me in the video of the guy walking up to the kid and there's an American Music Native American guy just walked up to that kid and got in his face as clear as dead as it looks like group of kids around him that the kids he walked up to the kids and he walked up to that kid specifically got in his face there was a certain amount of separation between them he walked to the kid and got in his face was beating the drum

could stand that he walks up to the kid

when they're doing the tomahawk chop chop to think it's funny because they understand that you are filming

they don't so here it goes

it's not the whole thing is so strange so strange because what are you supposed to do when someone walks up to you beating and drop so there's the kid the kid standing there and the Native American guy now walks up to completely violating a space now imagine if this is a man doing this to a woman you would say okay is violating her space 100% asses fucked up an aggressive and that's what this guy is doing is singing this kid's face too little kid

and what is a kid supposed to do I don't know if I should walk away should he say I'm sorry that someone in the past stole your ancestors land what it supposed to do that in there I'm saying what is the the question is what is a kid do but I mean it's just he's I get why this guy is approaching because there's just a it's a river of people mocking him right in his culture I get Hawaii this one kid and why why get right in this guy's face when you're beating a drum inches from this kid's face and it's the fucking hat man that God damn polarizing stupid I hate that has so much please give me closer to him he's put the drum off to the side so you can get closer to this kid's face

music Spectrum the kid to walk away I don't know but the kid doesn't do anything but still keeps blinking because the the beating of the drum is so close to his eyes

it's weird

the whole thing is very weird Al weird he's staring that kid down but what does he have to decide to get in his face I think you would walk away. I think that guy was going to hit me I would think something's going to go wrong I might just get this is just too weird face beating a drum of death the Native American man rightly felt like he was being mocked yeah and then his traditions and his is Heritage is being mocked are these little kids I don't think you have the right to walk up on the kid like that but it's like when it wears your breaking point but wait a minute. I don't think he doesn't have the right but

this is where confrontation comes from do you have the right to make confrontation yet maybe perhaps May perhaps but that's not really the best way to communicate your singing a song a Native American song and he does know what the fuck you're saying are you doing in inches from his face and everyone it's a really a sign of the times that people took clips of that and they made it out like this little kids at Country even raise the Osmond had on his if you ever seen a more punchable face I can't hear you calling for violence on a kid is that it's the same level of and again you know those kids like even when you were pulling that clip up I can feel my stomach make a fist from like this just don't want to see this but you know it's like that dude is that that kid at the Cubs game the game in his in his earphones caught the ball which the outfielder was definitely not going to catch any way for the Cubs

he did but if you look at the tape I don't think that the outfielder had it that outfit with pointy like you fucked up kid like you ruined it was kind of a career in your tell me when I saw it I saw the entire game and it's the fact the fact that the back to what your point to punch the kid in the face that kid had to be escorted out of Wrigley Field people are going to kill him that kid in the traffic can we see that video of the guy catching that ball is I think that kid actually did fuk up that game I think the difference is that could reach into the playing field drawing illegal and the tale of the tape

Steve Harvey there's a ball it's going it's going it's going

wait a minute let me see it one more time

I mean I think I think

I think I remember it wrong oh yeah they still a thing I don't see how it all back he had the ball I take it all back I could fuc it up literally did he took it literally took it from him in the playing field value little cunt he's got spray on a few beers on them probably end up like threatening a kid's life that's crazy it also looks like if you're a kid and the balls right there it's right there did you see that clip from Letterman like from like 30 years ago or something in there was a it was like the lineup was this famous person is famous person in just a rando like a name like who and he brought this guy out and it was like a middle-aged guy in a ball cap and he's like I just I think you're the greatest living American

roll the tape and they show just like that home run and it's going it's going it's going and it's guys just has a beer and he's not looking and that you're the announcer go oh my God it's the beer and and it was kind of laughing and then later same line same run same guy

Anna penascos you have got to be kidding and the ball just hits the same guy like again like twice same game but it had them on and it was it was like something like that like you've never it would it would it would be unlike the left Nightly News but it was just like what are the fucking. How many people have ever been hit in the head by a line drive you beat never be the same again.

cuz when I was a kid did Tony Conigliaro in Boston during the Red Sox was actually like I was very young at the time might actually have happened before I live there but it was like the store that everyone told you got hit in the head with a pitch and he was never the same again and then it was one of the reasons why they started wearing batting helmets young cuz that that doesn't happen that often but it just it just makes your heart because it just knocks it out Jesus real hard dance soccer was originally Kick In The Head around but that's what culture battle they just take ahead and kick it around and I was like where the game I knew they had some weird mind game they played football in

and I think that they decided they used to think that they played and then the winner sacrificed the losing team and now there was also some speculation that it could have been the opposite that the winning team was sacrificed

was like Batman the fucking slowest game ever

you know you scored again but the idea was that you would play with such courage knowing that you were going to win and then you're going to get killed but you still wanted to win fits the level of honor that it was had to be slick so high they're like my my family will never want for anything ever again so I'm just going to the level of drugs wouldn't believe that way you know where this guy would just what we call the Middle East basically he was like how do you kill a king you got to get an Assassin's doesn't care if he dies and so we can just hang around and like flowing waterfall any would just get a peasant and smoke him up so much and we like you want to see heaven to be like yeah you take take it out of the door to heaven and if you kill the salt

and the Town Square tomorrow you're here and so a guy would just run up and stab this guy to death in the guard would murder him but that was how you get a guy you trick a person so it's kind of like the same thing with that level of drugs while you're like if I win they cut my head off but I go to Valhalla or whatever their version of having is sacrifice is always such a strange things are going to sacrifice living life to the gods this is such a common thing kill people for somebody else going to the game watch that guy get his heart torn out my kid get some popcorn couple Bud light's I was reading that book snot primate what is it called Simeon State say about certain culture

was that were would kill like the older people they would kill like in the sky with killed a few of his aunts and all the old women were terrified of them while he's sneaked up behind them when they got too old cuz they were you know they were gathered these people like your birthday party to spin around for me one of the crazy stories that I ever heard was during the temple I think he said to tekon the large Aztec temples when they completed the temple they sacrificed something like 80,000 people over the course of 2 days yeah but go pull that up Temple of Tuacahn I think it's outside of Mexico City and when the Aztecs constructed this when it was finally completed

they essentially sacrifice all the slaves that were used to build them so they discovered this fucking gigantic temple with blood of 80,000 people that they butchered on the spot over days two days to kill her but it's a lot of butchering a lot of murder that's that's that's exhausting levels it's so much so that I told a friend the story he's like that's not true I'm like I'm telling you sure why I had to Google it. It's just a thousand people and these are the very people that built the thing what I mean that that was the way I do kill him well that was one of the the weirder things about going to Chichen Itza was theirs as one platform that was just designed for sacrifice to kill people on this platform and it's like it was set

like a bench likes those legs and a head like someone's holding his bench and place it would just chop a head off and it rolled on the fucking stairs at probably like a little, thanks to fascination with that is like this this idea of killing someone to appease the gods and it was it because everyone's afraid to die so that when you could force someone to do it in front of everyone's for someone to die in front of everyone and sacrifice them to just long as it was like there was enough distance charge of excitement and very Machiavellian it's it's no power perceived is power achieved you see anyone can die fall in line real fast and unpredictability of life itself we're going to kill 80 people but we're going to have no no storms for the next couple months ago like Elder

who like some Shaman tells you that this is the only way we're going to stop a storm yeah yeah people believe they did you get to Temple to account today 84,000 people Services of disputed number could be a fuse 4,000 were sacrificed Moe's actually are consecration of the templo mayor in 1487 never the last scores were killed Chase so 1 thot is 1487 the Aztecs recorded that 84000 people were slaughtered in 4 days self-sacrifice was common in individuals would Pierce their ears tongues and genitals to nourish the floors of the temples with their blood unsurprising there is evidence that Mexico is already suffering from a demographic crisis before the Spanish arrived

yeah the Spanish probably came in at the perfect time yeah this is how you said the Great Pyramid of Tino Tino cheated

that seems that seems like I've seen that different when to know to nochistlan

Tenochtitlan is it

miwo how do you say blonde

yeah anyway lot of people Jesus also said those games that they were playing where the people eating capitated they might have been rigged they weren't sure if they're rigged but they might have a defective game is still alright whoops I lost those guys blow in a we got no one to stadium that the whole game it is weird that all cultures agree that one of the best ways to appease the masses to have these large sporting events where people gather round to watch the smok Warfare take place the went when Shaka Zulu came in they were just fighting like mock Wars and they were just like with fake swords and Spears

yeah like if we escalated past like football and football like something way more violent came along

but not quite war-like duels Cheese's I'm glad we're not there as much as I have my problems would like concussions in football and stuff it's just I guess that's a good black white what would be the next thing you can kind of get away with playing football if you get out early enough but even they said they're saying that even kids in high school have CTE

do you see what they do in Russia where they have those 5 on 5 MMA fights live gang fights they mean on football fields

Roxborough State of Illinois you put up in like someone in Eastern Europe and it's just one big like bald bull looking guy fighting like five guys so yeah yeah yeah I think it's Russian couple guys decided to take on a giant a giant rocks in like fee fie foe fum I smell the blood of an Englishman fee-fi-fo-fum can't even learn that story anymore the fee-fi-fo-fum the troll Hunter when a guy light goes out in the like the end of Scandinavia and he controls there's actually a giant monster troll remember that I loved about it with his ass like any of you a Christian tell me right now right now and they're like no one got to like secretly was and a troll could smell his blood cuz I know

I took an awesome angle just like that's in the clip for the trailer for troll Hunter cuz it's so stupid he's so dumb it's a good movie to get high and watch yeah I love stuff that's like there's a giant thing in the distance like coming cuz I got to be just like what if King Kong just came from behind that building right now volume

sometimes you get to see you unique film

imagine it really wore trolls images

it's just okay yeah this is like a foreign film

well that's a lot of people think it says do you think Michael Moore gave up after the first trial documentary like exactly they're doing like a Blair Witch Project with trolls

it would get give me a little distance in this I'm tired of seeing this buildup want to see the fucking troll I'm Christian I love that

looking at it sometime like

fat guy

trolls

oh that's rad I love that never gotten to where we are to be holed up in caves right now the millionaires are like the guys who like control one of those like you just sitting on his head and he's like kill those people Crush that house dressing with a Rancher richest person sitting on a troll a troll

he was he would pay someone to like train a troll or something like that he finally control Trainor All About AI yes I just wonder when it's going to get out of our control because it's the Technologies escalating beyond our comprehension comprehension but yet you drive a Tesla I mean it's alright look we all are you know I am a dipshit in a lot of ways in a lot of ways you can hack a Tesla I know you are but they're awesome yeah if you drive a car I love it there is there parently not doing so well it was some article that I read today where there were there were talking about the letter the Elon Musk sent to all the people that work for him saying that you're going to have to work harder but our goal is try to save the world I mean

stop what you're going for before well I think his goal is ultimately to reduce our attachment to fossil fuels which you know can help save yes our environment with that you know cut way down on factory farming with meat

I'm all in favor with all this all that stuff in and making way more things electrics like why do we have solar panels on literally everything was specially California Sun everywhere when we have an amazing source of light but apparently you know there's a lot of money involved I know it sounds crazy is a lot of money involved and staying with the grid as it is for sure I got to keep those nuclear power plants running we love him so much driving to San Diego sightseeing the old ones they didn't even have a way to shut down like old power plants when they would make them can't stop them if they probably figured we'll figure it out eventually split it off Monday

yeah you when you you really here about natural disasters and solar flares and asteroid impacts he's realize how fucking fragile this weird system that we have of a power grid and satellites to distribute information on the Internet is actually a bunch of wires on the ocean floor that connect us to Europe like what is wires that are 4,000 miles long really yeah it's kind of like the human body like it's remarkably resilient but it's so fragile super fragile infection that's a wrap yeah get if someone's drunk enough they can fall off a building and everything going down and land like something made of Nerf and get up and sometimes right I watched a video of a guy who was in a high-speed chase with the cops near the Corvette and he flipped the Corvette and literally went flying out of it like he was a dumb head over heels Head Over Heels floor

what you got some volume playing in the background JMU

I'm sorry to hear that to those things that pop up every now and then

some people of ever recorded that they they hear radio sounds in their feeling at 8 to pick up will somehow or another ya catch some radio Sound play it in your file here like Mexicans radio station playing out of your mouth and a fucking plier your mouth middle of the night so you can sleep in brutal listen dude you were special when it comes out will be available in February and the bill be available everywhere Amazon iTunes Google Play weirdly enough the video game platform it's going to be all over the place you can stream it you can buy it it's going to come out and vinyl eventually but I know

1000 out and vinyl people I mean it's called finally finally live in Portland in the all the whole title is like fake tattoos like the dummies at the Warren Theater downtown Port always liked you know slots and butts and stuff like that on that kind of Marque and then it was the helium in Portland is amazing I love that club that's just great I told him where to put it over there like Southeast Portland close the water so people live on the West Side can come across the bridge really is a lot more space that way and if they've kept it running strong it's and it's awesome it's a great place for me and you going to come on advice from a dipshit okay because it's you g would kill it okay to give a shih advice yes how to get ahold of you it's just braunger

on Instagram and Twitter just braunger and then Matt braunger. Com for all my shows

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i b e l y positively Unstoppable. Com thank you thank you everybody thank you for Matt braunger thank you everybody listening much love to you all bye-bye pictures