#1286 - Anthony Jeselnik

Apr 29, 2019

Anthony Jeselnik is a comedian, writer, actor, and producer. His new special "Anthony Jeselnik: Fire in the Maternity Ward" will be available streaming on Netflix on April 30.

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just like how are you sir great job goodbye buddy are you fully committed to the beard now yeah I want to keep it as long as I can you gonna come out man you know I trim the trim a little I trim a little bit I just felt like lady who cuts my hair trims it every look for weeks when I go in for a haircut but I don't touch it at all I'm afraid if I tried to trim it I would just ruin it but I love love having a beard why do you love having a beard it is like it's like sunglasses for the bottom half of your face oh you know what I mean hide from the world kind of yeah like maybe it's the chills me out a little more mmm yeah especially on stage like when I'm your on the lights you know and I'm my lip would start to get a little bit sweaty and I'm thinking about my lip and I'm like should I wipe this should I move it then I start to sweat more but now that I have the beard and mustache my lip gets a little sweaty you can't tell so I don't get more anxious hmm interesting yeah so you used to like think boy

Little Couple of beads upper lip yeah and I'm like can they see it wipe is it like the too much if I'm wiping like I drives me crazy you know it gets me boogers if I think I have a bug Labs like what is going on with my nose what is that is that a booger shit can they see that oh I check for sure before I go on stage I'll always a big time so animated and I'm always yelling and screaming I'm always worried that something is like hanging off the tip of my nose yeah I'm the people in the front row can't even enjoy it like what the fuck man your nose bro never had that I've had like definitely a fly down situation oh yeah never never like a booger that ruined the show there's a two things that people love to laugh at your fly down and if you put a beer down on stage and the foam comes over the top like oh my God your beers coming

those are those things right hmm hi humor yeah hi humor sweat like like weird sweat stains like when I've done specials but speaking which Anthony Jeselnik new comedy special comes out tonight I hear ya this evening the midnight I guess Netflix does it yeah you guided very excited while I've been seeing your set it's fucking fantastic thank you that I think this is the best I've ever done so I'm I'm pumped for it's a beautiful thing about comedy man keep working keep paying attention to it you get better at it and really I mean Dahmer are and I had this conversation just a couple of months ago he like JoJo's I'm never been better because I'm fucking it a thousand years old there's never been better comedy yeah as long as you don't quit yeah you don't you don't you don't ever get worse I don't think right you don't as long as you don't give up because some guys don't quit but they give up exactly yeah they just go through the same material every single time you like what what are you doing here you're like you just trying to get out of the house you're not trying to get better there's a little of that yeah

they are like if you're not right it has I guess that's the difference between also guys who put out specials or I said women to or and people who don't some people just don't put anything out yeah yeah once you put it out like I put it out because I'm like I'm done with this now it's getting boring it's not going to get better it's good as I can make it but because of that then I have to come up with a new our you haven't any specific schedule you like to follow to write if I'm correct I try I did I did a year in La like at the store every night you know and like once a month I do Largo and try all out at once and then at the end of that year I about 40 minutes went to clubs for a year every weekend for a year and then once that I had the hour after that then I did a year of theaters at the end of that year I taped the special and I was done with it so you're on like a three-year plan pretty much yeah and that might change you know as I've gotten older the idea of a four-year plan sounds little bit nicer you have other things going on that

so that it's not as not as worried yeah yeah yeah I was trying I think two years seems to be right for me but it might be better to give it a little more time right just a little more time to tighten things up and polish and you know add layers and extra punch looks like you know those guys like and when I start on Boston there was guys that had been doing the same set forever there's pros and cons to that and the pro is goddamn they had that shit down tight where it was just punch line rapid punchline pause punch line they knew the the economy of words was perfect there was no no fat in the bits they are tightened all that stuff up yeah my one of my biggest fears is like taping the special and then coming up with a great tag yeah I mean like that I want it to be done when I shoot it because that feeling is awful yeah it's the worst done that yeah

so by sucks it sucks I know what you did back in I want to I'm back in my last special thoughts and prayers IAD are the line I like walked off stage and was like oh fuck I should use this word and I it just occurred to me in the moment that I was using the wrong words I went back and ADR that you can obviously tell me talking and it's like clearly a different feel like a different voice just one word but I had with you ADR stand for I know what it means but what does it stand for Johnny knows he's actual audio guy automated dialogue replacement and why it's automated is lost in my head forever but that's what it means okay I wouldn't have guessed that in a million years I would never knew what it meant I've done a TR yet I did it like Fear Factor like every episode I had it do ADR it was the worst why did you because you were just mispronouncing names or you would lose usually because they wanted a Titan segments up like you know we would film for three days and we'd have to

slam that down to 44 minutes and so sometimes you needed brevity or sometimes they needed clarification for certain things like like we would explain the rules to them like very specifically and they would have to read these rules and it took a long time but then like sometimes in the moment like on television you wouldn't explain it as clearly like while we're filming like when we'd we'd show them like this what you have to do this what you have to start here you go from here to there but sometimes when you would want to put it on TV want to be more precise or more concise yeah so I would every fucking week I do ADR I hated it you did it seems like it would be fun like you're not Fear Factor but just a TR seems like easy it's relaxed you're just in the booth now it's boring no no I didn't like it now the fun thing about Fear Factor was when the checks came that was a fun thing and then when nice people want that was fun too yeah those those things were fun but really that was that was a great job

but it was a job it was like a job but like you know if you had a great like yeah I really like working here whereas you know really say that about stand up no I mean I think about this a job it's just fucking fun it's awesome oh absolutely absolutely it's a get to do yeah I get to do yeah that's my new thing is a get to do versus have to do how long you been doing it now almost 17 years wow yeah not crazy to say it did it blows me away like 17 years just seems like seems like forever and I'd had in my head like 20 was an important number like when you get to 20 that means something and I think I must have made that up like people say 10 years is a big deal yeah but 20 doesn't seem to like I thought that was like that's when you're really relaxed 10 years seems like you're a pro I like when I see someone am I calling you be doing it 11 years all right

I buy it and when someone says six years on my good luck mmm you might quit yeah I hate the people who like I've been doing it for like 12 years when's the last time you got on stage six months ago oh no you started doing stand-up 12 years ago you've not been doing it yeah you gotta go fuck yourself yeah if you're not if you take those people that take like giant chunks of time off and then come back you know want to go on the road with you like hey man yeah it's like you know that's not how this works You Gotta Be You gotta be put in the work yourself otherwise why would I am I doing you a favor yeah well it's just it's one of those things like if you wanted to run a marathon you have to run all the time or you're going to be really wholesome really sore and tired when it's over you know you're not going to really be able to do it you want to be able to actually do it and really run this is same as stand up

for whatever reason it seems so fucking easy when you're watching when you're watching someone do it see this is one of the reasons why everyone thinks they can do it because it's just we're just talking what's not like we're doing Cirque du Soleil up there mhm and some people like oh that's not that funny I could be not that funny it's not that fun that big a deal yeah you could yeah maybe uh-huh yeah

when you started out where'd you what city just started here Los Angeles did you really where what was first Club I my first ever show was at the belly room in The Comedy Store I took a class that I took a class Greg Dean like I was working at Borders Books and Music is my first job in La I remember that play like that yeah the bookstore and I just found the thinnest book on stand-up comedy that they had and bought that and read it at the end it was like this guy teaches a class in Santa Monica so you went and people are like a surprise that I took a class it's like the class didn't teach me how to be like this it just kind of gave me the courage to go to open mics and and I don't think I could have gone to an open mic I was too scared for that was like 23 but after the class you know I had a seven-minute set that I would go and go and do what did the class teacher like how they how do they start a class out if like there were two sessions it was like it was like beginning an advanced and they would talk a little bit about joke structure they would talk about like

things like taking the mic out of the stand you know like but be careful because some people walk up and they take their teeth out you know what I mean like things like don't run the light show up early like things that were just may not have been common sense but it gave me Comfort to know the rules so that I could try to break them you know later on and then did it set at the belly room like with a bunch of other like people in the class who are all terrible none of them are doing stand up anymore and I like killed like I thought I killed I had the tape I sent it out to everyone and one of the jokes from that first set I ended up using in the Donald Trump roast real so I was like oh well maybe there's like some gold in there and I went back you know ten years after I did it and watch the set again and had a panic attack watching myself like what the way it was in my head was not what was on was not was on screen it was it was bad do you think that's like just like psychological protectants that you throw up I mean what is it that makes you think that you were better back in the day I think it's

like that's excitement right you know and just being stupid you know like when people get into stand up later on in life I'm like I don't know if you can do this because you have to kind of be dumb enough to go through the things you have to do when you start out but I'm glad I was 23 when I was running around to open mics yeah not knowing any better that's a really good point yeah yeah I was 21 I was really dumb yeah did you just went right to an open mic or yeah well I went to an open mic to watch first and that's what gave me the courage to go on stage because I had always thought like stand-up comedy was going to be Jerry Seinfeld or Richard Pryor and if you go there like you know and I wrote a bunch of stuff and I practiced a bunch of stuff into a tape recorder and it was terrible but when I was trying to say it like a comedian but then when I went to an open mic and I realize how bad some of those people are I was like well I can be that bad I can do that I can I know I could pull off what they're doing yeah there's something about like performing for comedians that really

me like if an audience wasn't laughing was like all right whatever the comedian's it's like no you guys should get me that really tipped me off that I like didn't have any friends in the open mic community that would laugh no no I didn't have friends at all like I would I was just the guy who showed up and and did a set and we just get angrier and angrier so I would like to thank God because I was mad that they didn't they didn't get that I was funny you know and it was like it's my job to prove it to them and I was like these people should understand that I'm that I'm funny like it's something about if a comedian he doesn't like me or does it like respect what I do I'm just like I can't believe you're comedian like I really feel that way well that's a funny way of looking at it well it's one of those things where you want to be good so bad you'll sort of convince yourself that you're good are you convinced yourself that you're better than you are like I remember the feeling of

being at an open mic night and not being sure whether or not I was going to go on stage or not having a spot and watching these guys go goddamnit I want to go up there if I got a front of that crowd right now I could kill you just convinced yourself that you were good yeah I mean I knew that my performance was bad I knew I was like funnier than what I was putting out there and that was what frustrated me I've got to keep writing new jokes to get to to be able to prove myself to get to your potential exactly yeah yeah that's a it's a it's an interesting thing because it occurs in almost everything that's difficult to do is like you see the path you're like okay I just keep going like martial arts for example it's perfect perfect examples like you'll practice with a white belt and you kind of think look I kind of get this I'm going to get good at this I'm gonna do it and then you'll practice with someone who's really good who does it every day and it's a black belt and you just feel helpless and you feel like God damn it I'll never get to that spot and that that I used to feel like that about stand up there was a guy

when I first started out he probably never heard of him but he's one of the best comics of all time his name is Teddy Bergeron and he was a Boston Legend he had a problem with substances to put it mildly and he what his timing was impeccable he went on The Tonight Show like back in the day and he would play piano as well and he had like like the ultimate set on The Tonight Show I mean just fucking murdered sat on the couch with Johnny I mean and just was killing it and just super Loop and then went off the rails like the pressure of success and everything and pills and booze and whoo yeah the whole thing but when I was an open mic or one of the early early sets that I did I remember I did a set and then he went on

you know there's a bunch of open bikers and then some professionals would hop on and do like 5-10 minutes and he went out but did that and he was so fucking good and so polished I almost quit looks like I was like what am I doing I'm terrible my don't have a point of view I don't I don't have perspective I don't have that kind of timing I definitely don't have that kind of swagger like he had a like a casual Swagger you know on stage did you have like an idol like someone you were trying to be as a stand-up like in the beginners are probably a bunch of guys I sounded a Lot Like Richard jeni in the beginning I was kind of stealing like almost stealing his timing and I realized at one time one time I was on stage and I heard myself sound like him and I was like all right I got to fix this yeah you know I did that with it with David towel in New York everybody did until I would run downstairs and watch it I tell set and then one day I caught myself not doing one of his bits but like one of his mannerism kind of things yeah it's just fun to do and I felt I was like I got to stop this and I

and told SD the woman books The Comedy Cellar I was like I got to stop watching Dave Attell and I said it like a confessional and I thought she was going to be like you're not real comic then everyone watches the tell and she goes good like more people should stop watching David tell people are just ripping them off and I understand why but he's got such a bizarre sense of timing and so infectious yeah oh yeah just so so fun yeah to watch I've known Dave for like 28 years I think and he's always been like that he's always had that very strange way of talking yeah you know oh it's a box I've known him maybe 10 years and I don't know him at all you know I mean we've like talked a couple of times but I don't know anything about the guy yeah and I think I met him after he'd quit drinking so that was a different oh yeah oh yeah I knew him in the heart when he was on that show insomniacs and he was getting blasted out of his gourd every night every night

he was going these places and it was killing them yeah and he stopped doing the show for that very reason because everywhere he would go just be shots shots shots and and then he one time I ran into with the Improv and I was like one o'clock in the morning and I was headed home and he's like hey is there an after party where do we go I was like where do we go like go home I go to sleep yeah and then the next time I saw him he was totally sober he's one of those guys though that got sober and didn't stop being hilarious know a lot of guys do yeah oh yeah sober up and then they become annoying MN they want to talk about their sobriety but I cannot stand black pants and recovering addicts they drop it yeah man there were some people who just find yoga mmm they just won't shut the fuck up about recovery yeah I'm I'm guilty of that with many things if I get into something I can't shut the fuck up about it but I get it

for them it's like this pivotal moment in their life where all sudden they have their shit together and they just want to talk about all the time the thing that drives me nuts though is when they judge yes they always get a little judgy that I got you sure like do you need that last drink and I'm like yeah I do and I can handle my shit so yeah me alone hey I'm super sorry you got the fucked up Gene yeah whatever the hell you went too far with it but I've got it under control like being a little buzzed I like it mmm and I'm but luckily the drugs in the drinking that I do it's you know if I'm going to drink I drink high quality stuff smoke a little weed but the other drugs don't really do it for me have you fucked with other drugs would only I tried just about everything yeah and it just like not for me I got done cocaine and the next day been like I just feel stupid like I feel like everything that came out of my mouth last night was dumb I feel like hell I enjoy we chose me out I like beer and wine and and vodka and whiskey I've not done a lot of things I've never done mescaline peyote it's basically I think they're pretty much the same

I've never done Coke I've never done meth I've never done any real and feta means I've always been scared of those though because those are the ones that I've seen people like really lose their lives for yes and I don't mess with them feta means at all and I don't enjoy it someone who grinds their teeth you know like that's that's awful and I found like with with comedy you can't be funny on cocaine testimony at Comics who do do cocaine and our family because I just find it to be like you're not I can't laugh at anything and I can't like I'm talking too fast my timings off and like I'm not thinking in a funny way that I've always been surprised the comics who have Coke problems yeah Joey Diaz talked about that because Joey Diaz did Coke for years but he doesn't he's never done Coke and gone I said you goes he goes every time I tried it I was fucking terrible he goes it takes away your soul your heart you got no heart when you up there yeah you know the I guess again I've never done it but what I get is just

get that whole Speedy thing where you just like your sense of how people are perceiving you is distorted timing is distorted yeah like I don't even go on stage hi I'll need a couple beers I don't to be slurring what if I even smoked pot at all that day it's a were show for it really yeah wonder why that is I think I'm just in my own head you know it makes me want to get through the set as opposed to being present and enjoying it like I just wanted to be over so I can go chill out hmm you know that's interesting and it's only on only with weed one of my favorite things to do when I will take cars on the road with me is get him so high that they could barely talk and then put them on stage that's what do the first the first two guys I would open for on the road it was Doug Benson and Brian Posehn Jesus Christ and they were like they wanted to smoke all day yeah that I was like every time I was a feature act like little most every time I was a feature act I was terrible because I thought like I have to smoke I got this one of these guys are they won't take me on the road but I'm like barely getting through

this half hour yeah I'm terrible it's not a smart move for someone who's just getting going to be that high on stage but one time I did I was I really didn't smoke pot 12:30 like really smoke pot but I did it a handful of times when I was younger and one time when I was like 21 I was living with my buddy Jimmy and him and hit one of his friends came over and he had pot we smoked some pot during the day I think we had a barbecue or something and then I had a gig like six hours later I was still high and I remember being on stage

and in my timing was excellent and I was so locked in and focused and I remember being terrified that I was going to be terrible terrified but I really nailed it for whatever reason but then I never did it again and I was like boy I got away with it yeah and then I started smoking when I was 30 and it kind of changed my act like it made my heart from like it made my act more introspective I start talking about weird or subjects and more interesting that I thought I started talking about things that was actually more interested in did you start to write on stage more when you were high on stage yeah I have always written on stage a little bit but mostly mostly like tangents like I'd go off on a weird Branch if I knew how to get back to the river right I would take like a weird stream off to the right and then just long as I knew how to get back to the river of whatever the fuck I was talking about I'd be fine but when I'm high I'll just let go wandering

through the woods like I'm not even concerned about the river I'm like you know there's the river of thought the pattern that you're following but when I'm high I'm like what what who the fuck wants that in the why would you be that person and then I started thinking like I remember when I was a kid and then I'll just like out of nowhere have this idea and I'm hoping it's going to go somewhere and those moments I feel like they're like it's like

foraging for food like occasionally you find it like we go out looking for mushrooms you don't know where they are you might find edible mushrooms hopefully you're going to find them yeah sometimes you want sometimes you come home with an empty basket but sometimes you get them and the only way you find out is if you're forage and that's kind of what it feels like when I'm high on stage it's like okay it's gonna but then I'm also really worried that I'm going to be boring like I want to be I know these people paid to see it I know I'm trying to develop material but I also know I'm entertaining these people in the present so it's like a fine line yeah I don't have that confidence to waste the audience's time and I mean like I like I'll see Chris Rock yes like a friend of mine and he'll go up and just like with nothing yeah and just sit there and like very comfortably for 45 minutes and just and just and just kind of talk and look for things and has no problem with it whatsoever and I let out this was what else he'll go what else what else in the like stare at the sky look at the ground I can't you know who

the master at that was Damon Wayans oh my God who lot of people forgot a lot of people forgot was one of the fucking still is one of the best Comics ever Damon was a goddamn murderer in the 90s so I love murmuring up but I remember going to the haha Cafe they would do it like a show every Tuesday my friends would run and Damon Wayans with always drop in and do an hour and ruin the show he would have no material and he would just attack people in the Crowd by the time he was off stage like the audience was Furious like they were they went crazy when he came out and then by the end they were just like why's he doing this to us and we like we like our fuck Damon Wayans this year it was so funny to me looked up to as a kid like loved you just like oh man this asshole again wow that's crazy I wonder why I was doing that but I guess there's probably because he couldn't do it at the store anymore yeah what how many years ago was this got it I mean at least at least

thirteen years ago yeah see that puts it at that's that makes sense right because that's around 2005 yeah that's like probably stopped going to the store the store probably tightened up the way they used to because they used to just let anybody just dropped like Eddie Griffin would drop in wasn't on the wasn't on the schedule he would drop in at 9:00 p.m. and get off stage at 3 a.m. and that was real yeah yeah that was real six hours oh kill me though and then when he was done he would like who's next Who's Next to You just six hours what's the longest you've ever done I think an hour and 40 minutes maybe a little longer I don't remember but I think an hour and 40 minutes part of the longest I've ever done yeah yeah but that's too long for too long yeah an hour and 20 is more than anybody should ever have to hear you talk yeah and even that it's like pushing it what I let I like I like to do when I do like a theater at

an hour or an hour and ten and I just well I just want to just start and then finish just come on go ready and then for one hour I want everything to be tight and concise and I would way rather have an hour and ten minutes that people really enjoyed versus an hour and a half where they're like on our of it was really funny isn't that leaves you with this even if it's the same our that extra time I also just think the audience doesn't want to see more than an hour of Comedy know and it's like like people have gone to three hours the other night like why like the audience must have hated it like Chappelle used to drop in at the cellar he like Dan Cooper going back and forth like you could do the longer set long as ever world record right there like World Records yeah and I think Bob Marley eventually broke it or something Bob Marley from Maine yeah I did he do like two days on stage with a funky bitches and but I suppose down there one time and I was like oh I'm going to check it out and it was like almost unwatchable yeah because it was like the pacing that

the you have to do in order to be on stage that long and he was funny but it would be like not funny for long stretches than a big punch line yeah and then back into with you're like all right like that was when Dave was on Hiatus right that was when Dave kind of like took time off a comedy for a long time he coming kind of like he was doing specials but I think he was doing like surprise shows like he was always always kind of on tour and weird venues he's still doing that now and he's not always doing like big big giant theaters so like he'll just want a book like a 20-seat room yeah and make his agents crazy well he's been doing it he's been doing the lab at The Improv that little tiny room which is what 50 50 seats maybe yeah he did it as he's did it that's a that's a place where comedy dies that little fucked up room always hated that room that room sucks every dick on the planet when people are like oh you can try new stuff it's like I can try the new stuff in the main room yeah for a good crowd like why do I want to do this little terrible room I don't know why it's even there well

a weird one was cuz the belly room is perfect the belly room works yeah but someone's for some reason that lab seems like why is there comedy here what is why is the door right there why is this street right there what is this yeah what is this here when you got going on here everything about it but yeah like I was trying to tell them I go turn that into the Comics Green Room like know there's good comedy them like shut your mouth you shut your mouth you turn that into the comic screen room yeah they used to be where the bar was right now they should be like where everybody hang out before the show it was great it was great and you go in the other room to go on stage and you would go from that part to go on stage now everybody goes from the front door to go onstage so you're trapped in that little hallway they like where the fuck how do I where do I hide yeah yeah that's nowhere to hide that's why I love the store so much yeah there's so many places to hide but the store has a little problem with the or like when you right before you're about to go on stage and you're in the hallway and yeah I don't like the hallway but I like the those seats on against the back yeah just for Comics do you gotta sit there and go over

notes and yet leave you alone I love that back bar yeah akbar's my favorite the back bar is the shit the the secret comedians bar yeah I mean that's just what they've done in the new this new generation of managers and the people that run the place now they've sort of like really paid attention to like what's going to make these guys happier what's going to make this better like you got to give them a place where they can hide so given that back bar and you go to the back bar any day it's filled with people just hanging out talking shit and like it's fun it's like a fun place I go there I gravitate and I get into the back are like oh look at all these cool people yeah it's a great spot to hang out at yeah yeah they did that they added security they did it so it's night and day to the way it used to be I never used to go there I didn't like hanging out there I didn't like any part of it and then once once the new management took over I was like oh great like I once did a show there I did a benefit there was a kid who died I forget his name he was a comic

died in a car accident and they had a good benefit for his family oh yeah that's Josh out of Myers friend Angelo yeah yeah Angel about I did not know him I didn't know me either but by seems like a fan of mine and I was like I was like his favorite comic they could get and I'm like on the I'm on the Marquee it's a sold-out show I have a great set I walk off and Tommy comes up and he's like the old managers like and that was great and we got we got to get you around here you gotta gotta start hanging out you know you got to start hanging out and doing do you know doing the open mic and stuff and I'm like to help me open my name is on the Marquee right now you just watched me headline the show like what are you talking about and I then the I don't think I ever saw him again next thing I knew he was fired and they would like what can we do to get you back here well I love it well that's Adam you know right Adam did that the same thing to me he told me that Tommy got fired and came to visit me the Improv so you were gone seven years seven years from the store yeah and then when Tommy left they brought you back in yeah well there's two reasons one I had to go

physically to the store because re was filming his Comedy Central special and is like

that he's a you know our he's just one of my best friends and I knew him from the time he was a doorman and I knew that him filming his special ther was so important and there's no way I was going to miss it was like I have to be here like I have to see this at the store so I was like ah fuck all right I gotta go back and so I decided to go back I think he was filming on a Wednesday what night is gross battles on Tuesday right so I went down there on a Tuesday so let me go down Tuesday just to see what's up and I went to Rose battle and I was like holy shit this place is electric it's just crazy like the environment is so much different it's so creative and the the night that I was at Rose battle was fucking fantastic it was so good there was so many funny Roasters and I remember thinking wow this place is just different man it just feels so much different and it wasn't like it is now like now like you'll go on a Saturday night they'll six sold out shows

I have two shows in the belly room to in the are two in the main room everything sold out packed with Headliners and it's chaos it wasn't like that it was still sort of shitty like in terms of like the numbers but the vibe and the creativity was way different and the new guys and girls that were coming up they were fucking good man I was like wow this is a different vibe I'd been gone for almost a decade yeah so that brought me in and like I said I had to be there for re there was no way it was no way I could miss it I had to be there so my God I just got to swallow it and that was probably what Adam for sure helped but I might have stayed away forever if it wasn't for Ari I just had to see it do you like roast battle do you like judging that

I can't I cringe sometimes because they're so fucking mean yeah sometimes people are so mean you know but I do like it I do love the writing aspect of it I love the fact that it's a joke writers form but I don't want to name any names of this one comic than I'm friends with that does really well on roast battle and I said hey man how come you when you roast you have all this good new material but you're doing the same stupid shit when you go onstage all the time like you were doing the same set for years you're not you're not advancing because you're not writing a lot but you're writing a lot when you write for roasts and like you should treat like your material like the same way you treat your material when you have to roast the thing about the roast is like say if you are going to roast with Tony Hinchcliffe you guys know each other you know who you're writing for I Tony what does he look like he looks like you know you start fucking around with all I know this about Tony and

about Tony this is going to be funny and it forces you to be creative whereas I think there's so many guys that they develop a framework of a set and then they just kind of like that that is their comfort the comfort is in the fact that they know even if it's not good they know that they can go from this to that and that to this and they know where they're going and they're not lost you know and I think that the beautiful thing about the roast is none of that material you can do in any other place you can only do it right there so you have to work on the and so oftentimes you see like what a Comics capable of when they're roasting versus what they're doing when they're actually doing the real set which seems stale yeah yeah I feel like it's almost I agree with everything you're saying that it's almost like it's not beneficial right to be like a really good at roast battle and not as a stand like it takes it can take away from stand up and people think it's like this this path to glory and I'm not sure that it is no I don't think it is I think

a good exercise if you if you're treating all of your comedy the way you treat the roast battle like you're always working on it but I think there's a lot of guys just aren't working on I think part of our problem is there's no other art form like stand-up where there's literally like you were telling me you were saying how you took a class to learn to get on stage but you were quick to add and almost every great comic does this you really didn't learn anything then class but but it got you to the stage that's weird that there's nothing like the best education that we have is talking to each other like how do you write how do you do it and I'm always I've been doing comedy 30 years and I'm always like how do you do it what are you doing what are you doing this way are you doing it that way what do you write it do you write it out like everybody's got a different thing like Bill Bird doesn't write anything out just his notes and works it out on stage you know he writes it right he has these ideas in his head and then he Rants and you know he uses his podcast to develop a lot of his material because his podcast is you

can that is just him talking but everybody's got a different thing and there's no one who's right now no one no one's right I thought this was it stand up with said that if you tell if you give a comic advise you just telling them how to be more like you hmm you know that I kind of agree with it you can say like right more get on stage as much as you can you know that's important but there are things even in comedy that like you here early on the it takes 10 years to understand yeah you know like I remember the movie the movie comedian with Jerry Seinfeld was like a huge influence on me and there's one point where just Seinfeld's kind of depressed and he's like conch one sec what's the matter he's like I just don't know when I'll be back you know when I'll feel like I'm back again with this new material and Colin Quinn says when you're on stage and you're killing and you're miserable that's when you'll know your back like me just like great I'm making these idiots laughed inside thoughts dying laughing and I would like I would like saw that and I didn't understand what he meant and now I know exactly what you know well if I could go back to when that was filming I would

a Barney Adams and go don't do it don't let them do this to you man how long you been doing comedy don't let them do this they're gonna put you that they're doing this to make Jerry look better don't let him do it hmm I mean he must have thought it was like the biggest thing in the world for him yeah and I'm so mad like I love that movie I watched the DVD once a year and there's no orny Adams commentary track they should give him one I think they don't there's no reference it like in the other commentator by corneal talk about this in his and I think he was so angry with the way he was portrayed that he refused to do one that was given here they portray the mean they they just added him to the worst aspects of it they didn't want to give a nuanced perspective on who he is and what he's doing they just wanted him to be like the young guy who's trying to figure it out versus the old you know Legend but they would like my friends would use me as an example like if I was like acting like a jerk they'd be like you're behaving like or nyada like you need to like I

and second in like a comedy competition and I was mad about it and they were like don't be like horny I was like thank you got it

well he's doing great now I mean Lauren is doing fine but I met him a couple times is an is an eye he's always been nice to me nice guy wants to show at the Improv was years ago and it's an eight o'clock show I'm not I'm not the headliner the own is going on after me but it's like I'm the biggest name on the on the Marquee and I get there and there's six people in the audience and two of them were like friends of mine who had never seen perform phone and I was like this is humiliating I was like what I'm like yelling at the staff when we how do you have six people here at 8 p.m. on a Friday I can go to the store right now and it's five rooms are sold out like what's going on and I get on stage and I'm so embarrassed my friends are seeing me that I'm yelling at the staff staff members walking by and I'm screaming at me yelling at the sound guy don't even I don't even do a joke out I put the mic down I'm like fuck this place I'm never coming back and I leave and I see my friends a couple days later I'm like so sorry about that like know you were funny there go the guy who went after you that guy was angry and I'm like is that guy was that

I yelled at the sound guy for 15 minutes like what the hell did he do the Improv had those dark moments they still kind of do sometimes like shop did a show there recently on Friday night there's 25 people in the crowd I live blew up at like the new Booker that I called me up and then like we would love to have you back and we see you at the store what can we do to get you back at the Improv and I'm like email me once a once a week and tell me what spots you have and I'll tell you when I can go like all right like I'm booked for Wednesday I see the lineup it's like me five people Tiffany haddish I'm like great should be good show day of the Improv emails me and they're like listen Tiffany haddish wants to do an hour and she wants you to introduce her so it's just going to be the two of you guys know MC and I did you just bump me down to putting a opening act like without and not asking if this is okay just like you're now the MC going up cold that I was and I'm like alright I'll be there but know that I'm furious and then I wiii

just cancel and I'm like because I want you to know how mad I am and I'm never coming back here and Tiffany was great that was nice to her but I was just I couldn't believe that they would treat me with like that I'm there tomorrow night at The Improv I'm there all the time yeah you want to do a set that bitch sold out sold out actually I got I'm going to dinner to celebrate the special damn yeah it's good if you catch it with a packed crowd it's just they didn't have the right approach to to marketing yeah that's all it is but it used to when I first started that was the club yeah you know well that was where I went when I left the store when I left the store for seven years I did my sets at The Improv at the Ice House ha ha I did just anywhere else but the store laughs actor no no no never

they film you yes yeah and they put people up and they put they've done it with me they put your shit up online and they say they don't do it anymore but that's too late like you can't just do that yeah and their attitude about it was very disappointing like when I told them that I wanted him to take my shit down they were not they weren't they weren't understanding or apologetic until it became a big deal yeah like big deal like you know like how to get other people involved hmm it was not good it's not wise to think that you just film people and put them online when they're working out for free yeah and I know yeah especially like a guy like you who's going to do a fucking Netflix special so you're going to release this stuff and put it online long before Netflix gets ahold of it and the attitude about it just wasn't good I mean it's a great Club I've worked there are many many times I just don't do it anymore yeah you know it's just

get it together you know this is this is the fucking big leagues we're in Hollywood this is not like some fucking shithole comedy club in the middle of nowhere that nobody goes to this is on the Sunset Strip This is in Hollywood and you're doing that like what are you guys what are you doing yeah you couldn't trust them it just was ridiculous but it's a great Club me go there you'll see great comedy it's a fucking killer set up you know it's there's a lot of the pieces are in place for it to be amazing yeah I was going back for a little bit but they would like they would use me to promote the whole show it's like it's like as if it's just my show I'm just doing 15 minutes and making the same money as everybody else on the line up like if I'm at The Comedy Store it's like me you D'Elia Sebastian like you don't feel that pressure right and we're all in it together kind of thing that it seems I enjoy the store a lot more than just the way they promote yeah I feel less pressure yeah the quality of the comedies better and at the store and this is like there's something about

that that I think is like one of the things that's happened from seven years ago or the seven years when I was gone versus now which I've been back like almost four years would be four years November 5 years November is that it's better for me to see guys like you and to see guys like Neal Brennan and and all these just working with Killers just just this lineup of like where I know that if there's 400 people in that audience they're coming to see everybody they're not just coming to see me and I think that's that's critical for developing material I think it's critical for putting piecing stuff together and putting an act together it's like I need a balanced audience I don't want to perform for the the converted you know what I mean exactly like if I like I like I feel like the store is like a gym yeah well you're working out would like you're not getting the same I don't get the same laughs at the store that I do if I go to Largo and every single person

air has paid 30 bucks just to see me so they're like it makes it easier but because I've worked at the store like you it's like I've earned that at Largo yeah you know but you but if I just did Largo all the time and that was it I wouldn't be as good you know you need to kind of you need to suffer a little bit there's so nice at Largo mmm I did lie did Whitney show at Largo and it was it was so so nice and then I did this bit about mocking feminists and I could see like I don't like feminists for the same reason why I don't like white people are only in the white people like I like people who like everybody like I'm not interested in anybody who's really only into one thing you know like come on stop yeah like it's nonsense you're like I do do women need equal rights of a fucking course of course yeah but I want to hear you talk about it all the time it's annoying and you can see like the tightening up like someone saying they don't like feminists like it's like oh you guys are indoctrinated I see what this is and so then

I felt like it helped me actually develop this one piece that I was doing and that be like sort of around rounded out this one piece I was doing because I was trying to figure out a way that I could explain it to someone who might have a preconceived notion about who I am like the to say it in a way that makes people that were hesitant laughs you know I mean versus Savages at 11:30 on a Saturday night that are hammered yeah so Whitney Cummings crowd wasn't in dear anti-feminist they laughed they laughed because the punch line was good and I had a place to go with it and the place to go was ultimately mocking men's rights activists that was the the the real thing was the this the setup for that joke is I don't like anybody's into one thing and I go but the what drives me the most fucking crazy is men's rights activists like every men's rights activist I ever met I just want to grab and go dude we got

all yeah we got all the rights yeah we got them all I can't believe that's a real thing men's rights activist what's a real thing if you get divorced and you have child it's for child custody those things are do those things are real like guys really I know men who have gotten really fucked over in divorce where their wife hired a fucking killer lawyer and they dragged them through see the thing about and I learned this from Phil Hartman unfortunately the before he died I was trying to tell him to get divorced and I said just give her half man you'll make more money heels it's not half he goes it's 2/3 he was a fucking lawyers take a third it's goddamn scam you know he like he was Furious about it because apparently he'd been trying to figure it out like how to do it but I had a friend whose wife ex-wife

dragged it out on purpose because she wanted him to pay the legal bills so he had to pay for her lawyer he had to pay for his lawyer and then he had to pay for all of the times that she decided to change the goal posts and and renegotiate like there's no no one can say that you can't renegotiate so she would just renegotiate and just drag things out and her her goal was to try to drain him financially so she was doing this on purpose like targeting so he was essentially paying for the general of the army that was plotting to murder him and he was slowly going crazy and I was watching my friend go crazy and it took several years for it to be completely resolved and he's still paying her he still but he's been divorced for I think 12 years now and he's still pays her she didn't have a child and he has a family now he's married with Children now he and he still Pays His

soon still pet like he fucked her so hard she can't work 12 years later yeah it's so that's where men's rights activists have a point because if you're in a state that's particularly Progressive or liberal in regards to alimony and child support the only well the only thing that we win on that is like Tom Arnold like we got a but one on the board for Tom Arnold when he divorced but the problem with that is I love Roseanne more than I love Tom Arnold no offense Tom but I do you know so like bothered me that Roseanne had to pay him like bro get the fuck out of here you can work like white how come we you with a successful person if that's successful person says fucking kick bricks get out of here you have to pay them that that person has to pay the person they're getting rid of yeah well oh he's used to her lifestyle what that's that that I'm used to it is anything yeah it's the only thing that makes sense is childcare that makes sense like hey

who this person is taking care of the children they're your children you guys had these children together you have to contribute to the the money that it costs to raise a child hundred percent I get it what I don't get is alimony I just don't get it we're not together anymore know how we were before we were together and you didn't have any money and then you met me and now I have money and then you got used to having money well you're gonna have to get used to not having money because now you don't have any money because now we're not together anymore or like a year maybe you know what I mean like maybe let her take some time to get back on her feet right but be a prostitute or anything yeah you know have to be a I need this bitterness it's like I want to take you for everything that I can like one of my friends who's going through divorce she was like all my friends have gotten a divorce 80% of them if they have kids the wife accuses the husband of molesting the kids oh Jesus just for visitation you know just to like for negotiation - yeah exactly well the lawyers are on to that now you know I mean this is actually something that

my friend was warned of when the him and his wife were splitting up like is your wife malicious will she you know make some sort of a baseless accusation and he's like how so and then they went into that yeah man there's evil people out there that and it is also this thing that happens when people break up with someone that's someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore someone that you deeply loved and cared about you you want them to suffer it's weird it's weird it's normal so I guess it's not that weird but that the evil vicious jealousy you know like you see that vicious jealousy and chimpanzees like one of the things that chimpanzees do when they attack people one of the things they attack people over his unfairness like there was a terrible story about a guy who had kept a pet chimp and then brought the chimp a birthday cake on his birthday Brian Posehn has a whole bit about it to you does it does he and the other chimps found out that this chimps getting a birthday cake and they saw it and they weren't getting any cake and they were fucking furious

so someone had inadvertently left one of the gates open so The Chimps got out toward the sky part because of a birthday cake but it's that thing it's not like it was affecting them was like he was doing something bad to them so they got out and killed him no they ripped his dick off because they didn't like the fact to give the other Champa birthday cake his dick took his fingers took his feet yeah yeah plus in spits so funny is like the worst thing about that story for that guy is that everyone's gonna want to hear it forever because it starts with so I was bringing a birthday cake to a chimpanzee and then like you got to hear the rest that but that that anger and jealousy like there's Evolution doesn't evolutionary basis for I was that what he looks like now oh my god look out it's tough his fingers are missing his face is missing he's got one eye his nose is gone I'll look at that frown oh my God Wells face is ripped apart probably stitched it together that way awful

bads fucking awful man

yeah you can't own a champ crazy assholes they're the most vicious of all the primates next two people aren't they good for like you can put like train them for like the first like five years of their life and then they forget everything they just decide they're going to fuck you up yeah and they're so strong what does that one doing is that the chimp no no but it just popped up in the same group of pictures that she's hairless chimp so there's some mean such a it's such a mean species you know there's a problem with colobus monkeys in parts of Africa were chimps live because they've eaten so many colobus monkeys that their populations down 97% yeah they rip them apart and even a lot while they're alive are they tiny colobus monkeys how big big enough to eat but is it David Attenborough documentary from the 90s where they first discovered that chimps eat monkeys they really didn't know they thought the chimps were basically herbivores and then they got this video footage of them hunting these

keys in the way they would corralled them and beat them through the trees and catch them and this monkey screaming while this chimp is ripping it apart from the hips let's just chewing it and pulling it apart from the he's like and he's like basically ripping his legs and his ass end off just eating it alive goddamn they're fucking mean man they're fucking mean it's a mean animal but the what the what the I get the fact that look everything's mean in the jungle there's big cats and poisonous snakes and spiders and just a hard hard hard world but the thing that drives that gets me is the jealousy because I don't think other animals experience jealousy the way chimps do if this is that it right there from the Attenborough the end of the clip where they actually caught it yeah so that's a monkey in his hand Jesus yeah dude the videos of it killing it while they're pulling it apart like walk but that jealousy that I want you to suffer

I didn't get that fucking cake I don't let me have that cake I can't get any cake I'm gonna pull your fucking dick off on a bite your nose off like that that is a that's a strange trait for an animal to have oh yeah no I mean I think it's a terrible trait for a human being to have oh yeah we are animals yeah something you got to work on but when it comes to divorce like that's that same thing it's like that same arm want you to fuck and suffer want to pull your dick off and that's why you know people hire Hit Men and shit to kill their Ex-Wives and kill her ex-husband's Liam people don't get less crazy as they age no no no no no no no no no a lot of times to get more because then they realized it's almost over the rides over and now you know you're 65 year old lady no one to fuck you and your 65 year old man no one's a fuck you either and now all the sudden you guys are battling you know yeah battling over finances and this and that I gave you the best years of my life

my favorite I did I did a girl once more we broke up she said I wasted all this time with you said oh I go I thought we were dating yeah I didn't know you were investing yeah yeah yeah wasted it you wasted well I guess every relationship when it's over is a waste like what that's so bizarre yeah bizarre way of looking at it yeah enjoy the present enjoy the time you had together yeah but if you thinking about in terms of like hitching a ride on a successful train yeah if your goal is to get married and you with someone for five years and then they break up the oh you know I should be with someone else and you would have married me now I gotta find someone else yeah

the jealousy thing about The Break-Up assault it's so normal it's so hard for people to not be jealous like not very few people ever break up and go hey man she's cool just didn't work out I was a dick she was she needed some growing we need it we both needed time away I wish her well I've never really gotten jealous I always like when they move on you know what I mean when I when I get a new boyfriend you just like oh thank God that's because you're a comic you have opportunities yeah sure but it's like but it's like you're not their responsibility anymore yeah I mean they can still like if they're single they can still call you up you know in the middle of the night it happened yeah so get mad about things like still let's talk about this again once dating someone else you're like all right yeah I'm so you're someone else's problem the best is when they have a kid with someone else you like yes hmm that's all for baby I never talk to you again I'm free yeah it's interesting that it's a it's an interesting thing when you decide to touch naked bodies with the person right

he liked it create this bond by doing things with your bodies and spending time together and then you separate but you're always going to have this yeah but I used to touch naked bodies with her yeah we used to get together and we used to do things together we don't do it anymore but I did it I did it back in the day I got her naked and we got naked together various history yeah its history it's weird you know yeah yeah she'll never forget I won't either we touched each other yeah I like the idea of like relationships looking back fondly on relation yes I never felt like I wasted my time the people that I've dated that I'm like probably shouldn't have done that but but for the most part I try to have good feelings about it you don't want to hate like a period of your life now it's pointless but and but there's Lessons Learned those ones that I've had that were like oh that's how you know what when you date someone and it's cool when they're good you get it like I did this girl long long time ago who super- just super negative all the time and then I dated this

go right afterwards who is not negative at all she was always laughing about stuff and joking around no matter what like even it like a car get an accent she take a deep breath and go well that car is fucked up and she would start laughing and I was like oh this there's different ways to handle things like if you get stuck with your high school sweetheart and and she's paying the ass forever like you never understand like there are the exact same circumstances one person is going to handle it completely differently and if you're with that person it's going to be a totally different experience where it'll be a bonding experience versus them Woe Is Me Being for the next six months and bringing it back to I can't even look at a tourist because it reminds me of when I got in that accident toursad my God I fucked it was a year ago I like when people are together for a long time they break up and then the guy gets married to the next woman he runs instantly instantly it's like he just like found the opposite of what he'd been dealing with and was just like so over the moon about

yeah Dad to marry right away that I'm nobody mine he did an actress and then it was just you know it's prep just brutal everything was career this career that was about her career was trying to help her career and and then they broke up he's like I'm never getting married again a month later he's with this new check and he's living with her two months later and then he's married six months later I'm like what happened he goes I realize it wasn't that I didn't want to be married because I just didn't want to be married to her because I realized like there's some people out there that I get along great with yeah and if you don't if you don't bail on a bad relationship you don't know that there's you can be and you are going to be different that's the other thing like your I'm different with different people you're different with subtle like you react better to certain people and certain people's personalities you Jive better with them you have more fun with them it's more entertaining it's and you get like reintroduce yourself you know the other person knows you for this like five year period of time when you maybe you were not

yeah you know and like we've already used all your tricks you know what I mean like if you give a girl diamond earrings you can never give her diamond earrings again for as long as you live you know I mean it's like that present is over right for now and then when you get us in with someone new you can you know it's a clean slate right you can impress them yeah they haven't heard your fucking dumb stories I really can like you can take a listen to this well I always tell guys strive to be the person you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid if you can be that person that real person all the time which is very difficult to do but if you can be that person most of the time if not all the time you'll have a better life yes I would agree with that yeah but it's fun to try to impress people it's fun when you meet someone like boy wait till they see how witty I am yeah yeah yeah I think it's weird like with me I'm like

I don't like when someone just in the me just because they know who I am and who I like that you're a famous comedian I'm like a little annoyed but if they have no idea who I am I'm also a little annoyed you know it's like it's like this there should be perks to this yeah but I'm missing out on yeah did you not Google me yeah he's not a comedy fan what but from another country what's going on can you imagine dating someone who didn't like comedy Anthony I love you you're amazing but I don't like stand up I mean if it was someone who just like didn't like stand-up at thought I was great I could handle it they didn't like stand-up in general but they like your material and protect do you watch a lot of stand-up me yeah I watch it at the club's I very rarely sit down and watch a special yeah it's you do you watch the special ever a caliph like right now I'm working on it and trying to put together a new hours so I'm trying to go back and watch stuff but for years I didn't watch anything but like it's funny like the three Comics that I watch Are You D'Elia

and Sebastian because I follow you guys at the store so it's like I'm in the room sitting there and you're the only three that I watch like I could like for her I could like recite your act word for word and I don't watch anyone else it's so funny to me well I think it's great to be again at a place like the store where you can see all these different styles and all these different people doing it and you also see how we kind of influence each other in the slightest bit and you know that we're all working these really hot rooms where it's all packed and but I think it's good to sit down and watch you know John Mulaney when he did his what was that where was his Radio City but it's the biggest city or you know Dave Chappelle wherever he did his he did his in DC I think right the big one wasn't in DC I last one I think was in LA the last one well he did the store with the belly room with the little one I living room he did the other one he's wearing like the military shit with a see on the o j-- thing we talked about Jane that was in LA and then there was one in Austin there may have been one

in DC I thought the most recent bigger one was in DC but either way the maybe you're right we're well Jamie will find it but it's I think it's a it's good to see you know it's good to see how different people do it I always enjoy watching Katt Williams particularly in the beginning because you know like a lot of times you'll just run out on stage and like he's running around on stage for like five or ten minutes before the fucking first Joe comes out and he's pointing at people the audience sweat and going crazy it's and it's so different than the way anybody that I know does it it's good to see that too yeah he I think this is the most discussed stand-up special the past year was not in a net it was Katt Williams his back did you see it yes the one he did from Florida where he opens up with 10 minutes of Florida material 15 minutes of Jacksonville material that is like apparently destroying the we did I just I couldn't get enough of it we watched watched it a hundred times yeah

but it tapered off pretty hard oh yeah yeah tapered off real hard when he was doing the Trump stuff it's like well this stuff is like half baked yeah it looked like it looked like he had a bit to do they like made him cut and so we had to just like do the our anyway that's what I assumed having watched it okay how'd they do that though they don't tell you to do shit they don't tell me to do shit I don't think they're going to tell him to do shit many have been like this is someone is already a bit do you know what I mean it's simple as that I don't know it seemed to me that it was almost like he had some shit to say but maybe hadn't been doing a lot of stand-up you know like I don't know how much that guy works out I don't see him anywhere no I always wonder about those guys like the guys who you don't see in the club's you know like Bill you know Bill Bird saw a special one day and we were doing a set together at the ice house and he came into the Green Room like frothing at the mouth and he's like he goes the fucking guy I forgot I know who he's talking about tell you later but he was like the

got him do the club's anymore doesn't do clubs he goes is watching this cringey bullshit and he was he was like angry and I was like you gotta do the fucking clubs yeah people get too comfortable you know it's just it's only their fans there's preaching to the fan base yeah got like Bill Maher has not changed in anyone's mind that just like people are people are applauding they're there they know they're going to plot before they even get there yeah I would never do a comedy club here in the comedy clubs at all I'm sure he does not yeah yeah I think you I think you really have to yeah no I think so too yeah well he's in this weird category to right where he's not just doing comedy he's got to do everything has to be political because this whole thing is about political political shit like his show his Persona who he is you know he donated a million dollars to democratic party like he's it's all politics all of it and I can't stand political humor just because it's so easy you know you're either you're either making everyone mad or you're making everyone really happy

but it doesn't really matter like what the joke is yeah you know yeah yeah yeah it's and then if you're doing stuff about like the speaker of the house it's when someone likes of the Miele report it's like fuck man like no yeah you know who's like super deep into Politics on the right is Nick DiPaolo like every time I talk to him yeah and what's to talk about the fucking steal dossier yeah yeah let's talk about all this different all the shit Obama did how about one Obama did this well yeah how do you know yeah how do you even know this I know the the knowledge of it like I once got a phone call a before the last election like you know a year ago and that we want to ask you about how involved would you say are you with politics and I'm like very action I'm pretty passionate right now and I like how informed would you say you I'm like I'm at some very informed and then like okay and they start asking me questions and I did not know what the fuck they were talking

but like I hadn't heard of any of these things any of these bills that I have no idea I have no idea what's going on it's like the difference between a casual sports fan and someone who really understands all the drafts and all the pics from different colleges and also with this guy's got potential and this guy needs to work on his defense and there's a 40 times yeah the people know the combine numbers yeah benchpress 225 47 times like there's just people that know that stuff it's exhausting because it it it's so involved like you have to if you really want to be paying attention to everything that's going on with Nancy Pelosi you got to you got to be paying attention that all day long and most of the people that do that they're nuts like you're it's just it's like sports it's sports but in a different way like you're just there this is the thing that you're wrapped up in although it does shape our world you know yeah

as of like right-wing Comics go though there's not a lot of like nicked Apollo's the king because he's actually really fucking funny like he's right wing as I like a person and you know he's conservative and but he's also a great stand-up comedian what did he get more right yes as he got older yeah so he wasn't always I remembered Apollo he's one of my favorites you know when I would see him on TV as a kid and I know I'm a little bit now but the right thing seemed to come up more and more in the past 10 years yeah he was always an angry guy but he became like an old angry guy that's really into Politics as he got older yeah yeah

I mean I guess part of it is like it works for them like it's people love to hear it like there's not a lot of those guys like who does the right have to bank on in terms of like Comics that they could go see Tim Allen barely does he do stand up anymore I think he does like I think goes up the Laugh Factory does he thinks yeah okay so maybe he's one of those guys like when was the last time you want to say six months ago you know I mean yeah you know I mean I don't I don't know maybe I'm wrong but who else okay so you got Tim Allen and Nick DiPaolo there's gotta be more there must be I mean Norton kind of leans right a little bit more libertarian

but he doesn't do a lot of politic jokes he'll talk about it but we don't fuck else is like no one but if you want to do like left-wing convenience you can start with Michelle wolf and work your way up and oh yeah this is this millions of them Michelle of wasn't even like left-wing I think the Correspondents Dinner everyone's like this is a star-making turn and I think it almost ruined her really like yes because her show Netflix was called the break like it was called the break-in was a great thing a break from all of this and just talk about like other things going on in the world we don't need to be focused on politics and after that after The Correspondents dinner it was like the opening show was like her going after Sarah who could be Sanders and you're like oh you got forced into this you know you found a niche Yeah Yeah It's Tricky

if you find a thing that like works and then people like you should really concentrate on that like I remember Jamie Masada gave a friend of mine advice wants way back in the day he's like you should be Generation X guy when you go on stage you should be I'm from Generation X every time you know like My Generation generation x think this and talk like that but he was giving him advice and I was like listen to me don't listen to that as Jimmy Mossad ever given good advice I don't know as Tiffany haddish she still Matt he manages our right so he's doing something right he's manages her yeah like recently I actually fired everybody maybe she fired him too yeah I don't know she's a wild woman she do whatever the fuck she wants now you know but you know I'm so happy for her I knew her when to shit wasn't going well you know she's always been wild though she's so wild person James yeah in a good way yeah yeah just one of the two people that I saw like on stage was like oh you're

be a star yeah like I did know anything about her but I just like you just start was it when she was queefing into the microphone no no it was not that you ever seen her do that no dude she can make the most ungodly sounds with her vagina like for real yeah yeah oh yeah yeah she takes the microphone she puts it on her pussy and go like she knows how to do it she has apparently she has an ability to make a noise with her vagina on cue thank you but I did go before her improv how about if I had to follow that I be fear in front of six people yeah can I get a new mic yeah I followed her before I didn't even think about it I probably should have you know I figure like the jeans or filter enough yeah we hope so yeah we'd hope yeah so it's not ideal you like that type of person like that wild personality that like a gallic has that ass like what the fuck else could she have done other than stand up

I don't know but there's a lot of those people out there that never find stand up oh sure they life just becomes chaos but the crazy person at the office yeah you know which is it just stuck there and then you know you get fired from enough of those jobs you can't even get that office job anymore because you know word gets out oh yeah don't hire Tiffany that crazy bitch she's never going to be there and when she is there she's gonna queef into the fucking loudspeaker yeah yeah yeah yeah this I wish I mean part of me says No I don't wish that there was like some sort of an organized program to get into comedy because figure it out I figured it out you figured it out almost did but then part of me says man there's so many kids out there there's probably a 16 year old kid right now who sees the hypocrisy in all the things these adults are doing and he fucking hates class and he's sitting there right now going nuts or there's a girl who's feeling the same way about all her stupid friends and her mom and all these fucking people that want her to be a certain way just like

is Christ actually get the fuck away from these people and she makes her friends laugh but nobody ever tells her Hey listen to me you could do this you could talk shit about things like you could be a really funny comedian like you got to figure out a way to do that nobody does that like you it's so the number of people that have the but how many people have you ever met in your life that have the potential to be a comic but never did it like we around the me like damn this guy's funny could on a comic five or six you know they're people who were like as funny as me in college who just went on and got jobs and I got funnier you know like that I knew people like that or people one of the funniest guys haven't met my life was like it was like an executive producers PA but he was so goddamn funny I couldn't believe it but he like I don't like would have translated to the stage there's something like there's something you have to figure out in yourself to become a good comedian if you're the funniest guy in the world yes you know it's a different it's a different muscle you know

yeah but I like that there's so many different ways to do it like I started in La people like you should not start in La he's connected to yeah Ari did too I think it helped me because it was like you had to get good right away well aren't I already did open mics and DC at first but then basically started out now like when I met him he was a doorman at The Comedy Store in a row just a raw Open Mic her yeah it's hard it's hard to start out in LA but it can be done especially now especially don't know any better you know right like I didn't I found out liek years after I'd started in La the you should not start in La yeah and it wasn't like I was going to move and go I was already living here when I decided to do stand-up but I wasn't going to like move to Chicago yeah and start that yeah some people do hmm and they know it doesn't seem to work no I don't know anybody who's ever moved from LA to like a satellite Community like Denver or someone like that unless they're like already really established I don't anybody who is starting out who Moved somewhere where it worked out well no they always they come back

or like the good Austin and I'm going to try it out there and it's like doesn't use just starting over yeah you gotta start there there's yeah there's no right or wrong way to do it but man it would be nice if somebody sort of collected thoughts on how like what to do and what not to do yeah look some people are like oh you got to get in the road just get on the road and like and it's like no that's that's not great advice if you're doing see rooms it just going to make you hate the road right I've seen people who just look like worn through that like they're just like every night they're going up and they're either like have to be like a crowd pleaser because the person's just coming to see comedy like I'm so lucky people come to see Anthony Jeselnik and not just a comedy show yeah because that's that can be brutal and painful and I know a lot of people who are like know just getting the road and then their act suffers they have this like hacky act all the sudden because they had to do it like that you know what what gives me like serious anxiety when I find out that someone got a Vegas residency I go

how many nights a week six six nights a week at the Stratosphere it sounds I mean someone told me David Spade was thinking about doing one and he went to go see Louie Anderson who was doing one this boy baskets and he was like it was just the saddest thing I've ever seen that was like Carlin's Last Stand was a Vegas residency did he have a Vegas residency yeah where was he at I forget where he was but he had like a meltdown where he like went off on the crowd just like talk to call him up pieces of shit really and yeah and then had to go to rehab was like I'm addicted to pain killers like and then on the day ever I've never performed again

well he died before like he died like he was performing when he died me I think he was at a hotel I'm pretty sure he was sleeping in a hotel that he was performing at when he died I'll believe that but I decided then that last special he did was terrible we he's like reading half of it I didn't see that it's it was it was it was just like a you know what a swan song for him but I think that was after the Vegas residency so you must have been doing more yeah his schedule was very very hectic and unusual he was doing one hour a year an hour specialty would film and he would write it all out

like he would write it all out and tweak it a little bit but it was more of a monologue than it was like setup punchline jokes and he seemed to be he was falling into this more like this or more of a social commentator in some aspects that he was a stand-up towards the end and I mean oh yeah someone told me that he has a lot of the reason he did in our every year was because the tax problems IRS come out of hard and so we had to be working that much and it kind of made a miserable you know the story about the his 9/11 story right

tell me where he recorded a special called I kind of like it when a lot of people died that was the name of the special and he has this whole it closes with a big long 20-minute thing about like when he hears about people dying he liked the more the better and he filmed it on like September 10th and then the next day came in and was like we got to we've got to cancel this but no one can ever see this or hear this and now you can get the album but even in the album he's reading it they like it they destroyed the actual footage from the taping really yeah they destroyed it I'll he was just like there's no one can ever see this WOW accorded in Vegas I didn't MGM Grand on September 9th and 10th September 9th and 10th that's crazy yeah what was it called but I kind of liked him a lot of people died

Jesus Christ he must have woken up the morning of September 11th and goat did I Manifest this yeah look at that I kind of like it when a lot of people died and so the audio CD is just him talking it's like him working out the wait a minute it's a streaming like the audio streaming with Amazon Prime's body so there's no video of it don't see if the see if there is some some person who work somewhere might have preserved it I mean I feel like I would have heard about it I mean I said listen to the bit and it's if he's like I've got to read this is how I do it so it's a very early version of it but it's not great but I mean I can't I can't even imagine taping a special and September 10th he had some dark moments in his career I took some friends to see him in 1988 at the Hampton Beach Casino

I think that's what it was called and Hampton Beach New Hampshire it's like a place of people would go up for vacation and went to see George Carlin their way back in the day and he always had the same opening act in the same opening I kind of knew even back then because I was I guess I was an open mic or then I was just starting out I knew there were certain guys who took people on the road with them that were terrible that they took people on the road with them they just didn't they weren't good Comics but they made them look like Heroes because they were friends with them or because they just wanted to have like the worst comic ever got before that it's a good question you know you'd have to I guess it would vary but for sure there's certain Comics that like it when people go on front of them suck they do it they want that either certain Comics that you see them taking people on the road and you look at either what the fuck you're taking that guy with you like what are you doing why don't wait torturing people like that yeah but the opening acted better than George like he had terrible set

he had this whole rant that he was doing because he was he had an unquestionably one of the greatest comics of all time but he had hours that were just not good and there was a period of time where it seemed like he just missed it like it was Miss like it was missing whether his personal life was off or whatever it was but he had this whole rant that was like fuck this and he was like and fuck Israel and fuck comedy clubs like he was saying fuck comedy clubs like this is like this whole bit he was reading it off of a yellow legal pad and the whole audience is like stand there like not understanding like where this was going like we're waiting for the jokes where's the hilarity where is it wasn't it just didn't exist and my friends were mad at me really because I take it I had taken them from where we live we lived in Revere and we all done drove all the way up to New Hampshire like are gonna go see George Carlin's it's going to be awesome it was terrible it's funny I remember Louis C.K and like an interview years ago was talking about how he took the

pressure came off of him to always have a good show he said audience members love saying I saw George Carlin once and he was awesome but they really love saying you know I saw Carlin once and he was horrible like they they still get the experience and the story of it and that it's theirs forever I got to worry about doing a bad but survives better though if they say you were funny I think it's I think the see a legend bomb would be would be great well if you are Carl and fan you got to see those if you want to see him live a bunch of times he had those rough spots man you know it's it's one of those things if you're going to do an hour of stand up every year

you're going to have some rough ones there's no way around that a hundred percent it seems like that's just me I it can be done I think it can be done I mean I think you can put together like I'm six months in from my last special I think I could do another special in six months but it wouldn't be as good as my last one I don't think yeah I just don't think it would I just think you need time yeah what a year is crazy when he is it's insane like they're guys like Jimmy Carr who wall there touring their writing jokes and just putting them away hmm so at the end of the tour when they take the special they have all these jokes they can go through and look at and then start the new tour from that that seems like I like to sit in my set you know I mean I just wanted to be focused on that yeah not always be writing the next thing but some people who are just like I'm going to go up and talk and it's happening a lot now I think with like the prevalence of Netflix specials people just want the money and their famous enough they can just go up and just get through

but I'm like this is your legacy yeah like why would you want to put out a bad special ever I don't care what they're paying you make sure it's great I feel the same way and I feel like those people that watch that when you do do that and if you don't acknowledge that you fuck them over they're never going to trust you again if you don't say hey look that one wasn't a good special I gave it a shot just wasn't right it didn't come out right I thought it was pretty good and then the taping didn't go well and if you don't do that they're not going to listen to you man they're like this is my best work like this is all this is your best work yeah well the fuck you can look for them once again I mean like if I want if I went on tour right now and just did the same material from the special like people would be like okay but they're not coming back the next time right you know you're gonna get mad at you yeah yeah yeah when you do a special once it's on Netflix you're done with that material it's over done I am people don't actually not even to remember it like I'm an idiot in the way that I like assume that the entire audience has seen everything I've ever done

good like I really do think that in it so even if it's one guy in the back who's like I've heard these before no one else has heard it still drives me crazy yeah that I can't I don't know it's I've got too much pride I have the same feeling and I'll say sometimes too and here's like if something comes up I go I have an old bid on this and I'll say the bit but I'll let them know this is an old bit like this is you know I got this old bit Yeah somebody some people though they went customer comes to see like Jim Gaffigan they want if they don't see Hot Pockets oh they get fucking mad I saw Gaffigan in Toronto a couple years ago and he did killer our just walks out does the our says thank you good night walks off stage walks right back on and does Hot Pockets doesn't ask who wants to hear Hot Pockets just goes right into it does the whole 10-minute thing and then says good night and walks off stage yeah well Bert Kreischer is that way with the machine like he has to tell that fucking story yeah even though people see it they want to see it live hmm yeah

he's trapped and I mean if I had more stories I could get away with it but I did it but once you hear the joke you know it's over yeah it doesn't doesn't work again yeah Seinfeld is still does old old stuff he does really old stuff and he's done two specials of old stuff that he's that like he's already put on specials I went and saw him at the Palladium about a year or two ago and it was one of the worst shows I've ever seen like I had like a living headache and I was like Furious really and one of my friends another comic that I respect a lot gave him a standing ovation and I was like are you fucking kidding me he was like I understand why you feel the way you do but I just love seeing the act and I was like I couldn't believe it and then I saw a Seinfeld again at cluster Fest we was in the big outdoor stage with a bunch of with like four kids completely different our and murdered like destroyed there was like he has like corny stuff depending on what the audience you know is if everyone sitting there wearing a yarmulke

he's got one act and if it's a bunch of kids he's got it he's got a cool hip act really yeah so you went to the yarmulke crowd yeah interesting

what was bad about that it was a gressive Lee corny and just aggressively corn he's a funny phrase yeah like you'd like thank you for coming to the show I know you know we like should we go to the show should we go - we go to the show - we get to be new bird threw out how do we get to show do we really want to go and I'm like I can't believe he's doing this right now but people were eating it up like everyone around me was going nuts and loving it but it was just like old man corny oh Matt Gore did you see Seinfeld on like a talk show and he's like mean kind of biting you like oh this is great like he's hilarious and I expected more of that but when I saw McCluster Fest I got that you know what is cluster Fest it's that it's like they're it's a third year this year at that festival in San Francisco look it's a Comedy Central and Coachella together a put together a thing it's all comedy comedy music this music until whenever I see festivals I was assume someone's getting ripped off that's what I think my impression is

who's getting the money who's getting the money out of this that's how I feel about like Montreal but there's the occasional the biggest Festival you're like okay this much for for like one show in Toronto like yeah I'm totally in I'm totally so sometimes it's great and sometimes it's nothing yeah the Just for Laughs thing my issue with that is I got in when I was a zero like I got in Just for Laughs when I was 4 years in the comedy I think 5 I was terrible you know I had like a 10-minute set that I could do and it could get some laughs but I became a part of Just for Laughs like when it was helping me I wasn't helping it but then when I see festivals where I see like a lot of names on a thing and I'm like well who's funding this like sponsored by Southwest Airlines like what is this like weird corporate mishmash that you've put together and who's profiting off of this exotic comedians like I get you put it all together but then you find out how much can we how much the comedians are getting like Wars

rest of the money going there's a lot of money in that audience is a big place yeah you know just some are better than others but like and sometimes they're just like we're going to take a loss all the sponsors are going to lose money on this but we're going to like that Riot Fest and La they would do every year it's done now but they did like four or five years in a row no no no never made money it was a Comedy Festival in Downtown LA really yeah see that's how much I have inversion those things I don't even know when they're taking place because I say no to everything I'm like no you're not just priced out of it no it's like people are like oh I don't I haven't done the college in years and it's not like I've got a problem of colleges it's just like they can't afford well I stopped doing colleges when they could afford me because I just would just I would be performing in front of 18 year olds of like this is ridiculous I just like there's too many of them that don't have life experience this they're they're growing minds and you can make them laugh with some things but they haven't experienced what I like it's like I'm happily married but if I wasn't I'd like a chick who's a little bitter I like

older chick keep yourself fit is experienced a lot in life who understands understands that life is up and down there's hardships I'm not interested in anyone who's young and delusional and bubbly ya know so that when you go to perform in front of 18 year olds like they have this like this delusional version of what the world should be and social justice and all these ideas about the economy and all these ideas about socialism and all these ideas like I'm exhausted already I can't I can't do this I still think it's fun I think it's fun to watch them just be like holy shit you like to do one show and I mean it's like like maybe they can leave if they want I don't feel any pressure diagram casinos more than more than colleges but I loved like even if it went bad it was an interesting bad and you're and you're getting paid so much money that you're like I don't care I don't care how this goes and I've had some go realized to go to the college and say what should I not talk about

and then whatever they said I would open with that and it kind of worked every time except Colorado School of Mines what is that the Colorado school in Chisholm it's like a it's an engineering school like a good on ya School of mines mines yeah the famous am I any or M IND a my neo2 Kmart like digging I thought you're saying Minds to I was with Joe and they said do not talk about abortion and I was like okay and I went up and opened an abortion joke and then died for an hour like they never forgave me I just completely ate shit was it a good abortion joke I assume I mean it's a bad abortion joke because I think if you're gonna tell have a joke about abortion it better be great you know or your or your in some real trouble well there are those people that think that when you touch on controversial subjects that there's like a little there's wait to objects right like there's certain things that

have more weight to them like if you can get through if you can actually get the bit to work it will have like an artificial amount of momentum connected to it because the fact that has all this weight yeah it's more tension yeah if you can cut that tension the laughs is bigger yeah sure yeah but if you can't own up it's over yeah they just like Maddie for even trying yeah you know I don't think people get mad really that people make jokes about awful things they get mad the idea that people think it's funny yeah you know it's not so much you told a cancer joke it's like you think cancer is funny it's like no I don't that's why I'm making a joke about it you know that's like it's that's that's the process I really think it's like it's hearing an audience laugh at it more than hearing comic like a comic tells it a cancer joking two bombs no one really gets mad at them if it's like killing that's when people get upset well your act is so controversial you have so many subjects and so much tongue and cheek and there's so much where you're you know you

you say means shit on stage I would imagine that you get people upset at you quite a bit I used to and honestly now it's like I've been like grandfathered in and like it's funny that I used to get people I would tweet a joke and some people would the comments of people getting mad at me and now what happens is I tweeted joke and then my fans start tweeting their own jokes underneath it like tagging people get mad at them it's like I'm just like the guy who is allowed to do it he would stop getting mad at me all the sudden and I well you had a show called The Jeselnik Offensive I mean it's like you've you do are sort of grandfathered in but it's also like your style yeah like it's like being mad at Slayer for being loud look what do you that's what they do exactly what are you talking about yeah you like but I like classical music it's like so what go listen to that yeah yeah yeah that is the weird thing about comedy to right it's like when you go to see comedy you could see all sorts of different styles whereas when you go to see music if you go to a club it's like a blues Club

you expect to see Blues like you're going there on purpose you don't it's not like a blues band followed by a country band followed by a hardcore band like it doesn't but that's what you get when you go to a comedy club you can get Guns and Roses followed by Barry Manilow me like what is this place yeah you know like a main room show on a Saturday night you're going to get virtually every genre of Comedy there is hmm I mean I like that I'm glad it's like that because I hate like I when I used to tour and I couldn't bring my own opener you know I would get to town them back oh Jake has been begging us to open for you like window open for you so badly for months we so we're letting him open for you he does my act for 15 minutes before he brings me on stage I hate this as you have someone actually do your actual material not my material but like though my mannerisms you know short dark jokes you know like that my attitude they've just like taken it and that I call if he Anthony sees me he'll be like oh you're like me come do the not like I don't want to see me

you know I don't see anyone like me ever I don't want to like someone's like all this guy does really dark one-liners you'd love it I'm like I don't ever want to see it I don't ever want to look at it because that's what I do right you know I like I want to see goofy silly just like the opposite of me yeah Joey Diaz likes to bring girls on stage he brought likes to bring girls in the road with them because he said he wants the audience to see something totally different anyone to give the women in the audience that are with their boyfriends are there to see him like he's like this is good like it'll bounce it out I bring with me a lot of female openers mostly just I won't completely different I don't want the same even like I don't want them talking about the same subjects that's me yeah you know and then and that's you that usually avoids it completely but I don't know how much I'm doing it for the girlfriends of the the guys who come then certainly you know their people come afterwards and I liked I liked you better than the headliner it's like his weird when you start taking someone on the road with you and then their acts Arts morphing and becoming like yours like their Style

sorry they see what what's working and so they start it's like a natural thing like you saying that you cant watch tell anymore you know especially with someone is opening for you got to think they're in the developmental period oh yeah I've had em seized by the end of the weekend or like that's great joke and I'm like that's my line like you can't I know it's fun to do but like you can't do it when you're opening from me like you've just been watching me all weekend and now you're copying my man over at sewing yeah because then you have to think about it hmm we have to watch them is there any places where you just don't work anymore like any cities we like fuck this place do you work in Miami Miami I try not to I'll do with Peter in Miami or like close by but I did I would never do a club down there like Miami is like New Orleans New Orleans is one my favorite cities in the world but like they have shit going on yeah they don't care about your comedy you know Miami there's just too much else to do in New Orleans have got like their music and their food and they're all called they don't care about comedy you can you can do a show there but it's not it's not that fun

it's not that fun yeah

Miami might be the one but I'll do like Fort Lauderdale you know places around that yeah Florida can be tough Miami ajaces yeah Florida stuff man yeah it's tough that's a that is the weirdest fucking state in the country for sure mmm

Yeah I'm trying to think of any other place that I was just like their clubs I would never go back to what about Connecticut Connecticut I think I just did some where in Connecticut and had a great had a great time like they were just like they were like grateful that I was there somebody you go in there just like I can't believe you came here yeah this is awesome yeah but that was I went to one Club we're just like the owner of the club made his made the Green Room his office

and we're just sitting there and like be watching TV and talking to me the entire time like this surely you're going to leave with 20 minutes before I go on stage and just what just in your face the whole time like that was why he owned the club was to talk to comics and I was like no lost my mind where was this I probably shouldn't say but I don't say what it sound like Columbus Ohio

thank God I think Hoosiers think what Hoosiers Hoosiers whether Indiana next order okay okay you ever been there I think I did a show there once yeah yeah with coming up it was like a it was like a cool club to go do and I finally got there and I can take a year or so ago and I was like you know my friends was like why did why is everyone love this club so much and they're like we couldn't wait to hear what you thought of him we couldn't wait to hear how mad you get this guy the weird thing is when a guy owns the club but then he's also the MC ever happened oh the worst the absolute worst

I can't stand that yeah that's not good no yeah is there any places in overseas you really enjoy working yeah I went on a big European tour this summer and did did like the did the standards you know did a couple nights in London a couple nights and Edinboro during the festival those were fun and then like places off the beaten path that I was like I want to do Berlin and I want to do Warsaw and they were like there's no market and I'm like I want to do those those are the two most fun shows of the whole tour and it was like 300 people maybe but but they were just so grateful you were there and they were they were awesome and they understand English like you would think they understand it better than they can speak it so they laugh at every joke nothing goes over their heads they don't have to change any references I really loved the European tour that's cool because if you do want a place of like 300 seats even if it's a primarily German or polish speaking country this is going to be enough people that

King most I can come to your show hmm yeah a lot of expats you know and like and they all say they got comedy 10 years ago YouTube is what did it for them so they all have these stand-up comedy scenes that are all ten years old and they're all like dirt they're like bad for people doing it 10 years old they're still hacky you know they're like a generation away from from getting good but I'm better in Warsaw they were like this is a historic day for Polish comedy like you're the first American comic like big American called me to come here and do a show and now I think Burrs going there or maybe just went there but they're they're getting more more people Warsaw what is Poland like honestly we like got into the airport is our luggage wasn't there went straight to the gig went on stage went to the hotel and the next morning flew to Budapest like we didn't get to see any of Warsaw or do anything there was one of those cities it was just there was just nothing to do but when I had my old Comedy Central show the Jeselnik

of someone at Comedy Central says listen we can look at Google and tell you where your Googled all around the world America by far the most Canada close second and then what and then Poland is number three and I'm like Poland why and they go they think you're polish you look foolish they think you're they assume you're polish so I'm like let's book a show there and have all these people come out and whoever told me that fucking lied to me like they would they would like what we don't think your polish like why would you think you're bullish like now we don't give a shit I don't know who told you that so what is Jeselnik Slovenian yeah David go there no never been never wants to do a show there it's kind of I think I thought about it but it was just like routing you know what I mean it's like do I want to deal with what I have to deal with to get to Slovenia right when I can just go you know from do Australia at all yeah I just did Australia I did like a I did a few weeks the like one week at the very end of the tour would you do I did

Adelaide Melbourne and Sydney Melbourne and Sydney is the only places I've done but it's fucking amazing the great I love this to ya if the world war three hits and that place doesn't get nuked that's the spot you think so yeah it's another side of the planet wasn't their book though we're like that happens and everyone goes to Australia but there's like a cloud of radiation coming that's eventually going to get them fuck maybe we just get a big fan blow that shit to Russia I bet that would work opposition to Chinatown look if they can figure out how to Nuke an entire country with a few bombs to drop out of airplanes or shoot out of rockets should be one of those giant fan belt a big fan yeah why is that so hard like I was reading the shit about space junk do you know how much space junk there is

like the stars a lot floating around in space like thousands of pieces of shit just flying around broken satellites its part is it all just broken satellites or like kinds of shit yeah all kinds of stuff stuff from you know like when Rockets take off and then they eject they leave little pieces of stuff up in there and and is it like in a ring like a Saturn type of ring or is it just everywhere it's everywhere it's all over the planet it's like it's in the sky like it's in the ocean it's like there's pieces of shit just flying around above our head and like they have to be cognizant about it if they're going to launch a rocket yeah like you could run into it space debris and human spacecraft they all travel at speeds up to 17,500 miles an hour more than 500,000 pieces of debris or space junk are tracked as the orbit Earth think of that they travel at speeds up to 17,500 miles an hour small enough for a relatively small

piece of orbital debris to damage a satellite or spacecraft

that's how was it moved with Sandra Bullock yes gravity yeah there's a nice chunk that comes out has yeah they're like fixing a satellite and some comes by and like it's a mix it in the next thing you know yeah fuck that shit can happen and they don't know what to do either like the throw a net up there what you gonna do what are you like some kind of magnet satellite know just attract everything right but then it would probably get too heavy nope I think I'll probably take out things you need yeah is this the junk that we can track over time it starts at 57 there's only two things out there and then we're gross we're so gross I bet the oceans a similar similar story wow look at all this shit around even worse oh my God that's incredible that's all real 2015 the entire low inner like near-earth orbit is covered with shit space debris satellites and nonsense

one point in time and we've only been traveling in space since the 1960's right so what when is this going to end like that's that's not that long ago that's 50 plus years ago we're going to do when it's a hundred years from now five hundred years from now and what are we going to be able to see the sun I'm going to look up and just see space shit floating over has it said it's only 500,000 pieces of the Earth's a pretty fucking big still we'd have to get ya lat I guess kind of Snapple fact it at so if you dug a hole through the Earth it would take you 42 minutes to fall through it it's like how fucking big is that it's a long long draw it's a long for Austin I think would you stop in the middle he died get cooked I know but in theory but if you didn't ya it was just a tube zero temperature or neutral temperature tube owner how like how accurate snapple facts really have to be like they never called bullshit on a Snapple fact I don't drink that shit so I don't read those things I didn't know they had snapple facts until you just said that I didn't they used to have like little things on the

caps like you say it makes sense to me but I don't think I've ever read one of them

nice to always read them no yeah I can't remember any of you get angry estoppel effect no I have gotten mad at like a Bazooka Joe comic it's like this fuck it you're kidding me yeah supposed a phone it in sometimes yeah big time well comics in general I think it's some like there's great Comics there's really funny comics but then there's comic strips that have existed forever and they're fucking terrible and for some reason or another they just still exist oh yeah do they anymore though like is there still a sec I haven't read a newspaper like a physical print and I think it's smaller and smaller than it ever has been before but like they're still cranking out Garfield you know Garfield still a thing yeah and the guy Jim Davis Garfield has nothing to do with it he's like golfing and like collecting money and and he's got Ghost Riders so it's just like the worst shit ever oh wow so he hires people to do it and he makes all the money hmm he's probably worth a billion dollars I guarantee it

the merchandise those fucking things you stick on your car alone remember those were everywhere yeah that like the yeah it's all so I think the Calvin and Hobbes guy would never let them make toys of Calvin and Hobbes really the books yeah he didn't want that money a Calvin and Hobbes bloody money once he didn't want his creation being like he didn't want to be like Jim Davis you know that's why I think the best like the best comic ever got to be Gary Larson's The Far Side those things fucking hold up did you ever read those back in the day even more time ago that's good right and then who did Doonesbury

that's like the political one right Trudeau is that his name maybe yeah what the fuck who the fuck was that Trudeau what's his first name Garry Trudeau isn't that what's the name of the guy runs Canada

Justin that guy guy never got Doonesbury I never liked it was like too clever I was like okay they're like I guess they're taken down Ronald Reagan or something but I don't know what the fuck they're talking about Doonesbury is weird too because they basically they pigeonholed Hunter S Thompson and turned him into this they had a character that they were doing I think he wanted up suing them yeah there's this character is basically the exact same guy just slightly different and he was always like shooting off guns and doing a bunch of crazy shit

I forget his name I forget the name of the guy they gave him a different name like onkel something or another yeah but that was there I mean that was Gary Trudeau's take on Hunter as Thompson and it wound up driving Hunter as Thompson nuts is this still real he's still doing like he's doing Trump

this that's 2017 wow okay wow yeah but he so he created this character that was basically the most exaggerated versions of Hunter as Thompson 100 as Thompson was fucking around and it's sort of defined who Hunter has Thompson was to a lot of people because instead of being His Brilliant journalist who you knows great writer he also became this kind of like guy just shoots guns and is always drunk yeah and then you fall into that trap I think comedians that have a Persona like oftentimes fall you know dice that's not you know his real name was Andrew Silverstein and the dice character was a part of his act he had a bunch of different things we do Impressions we do at Revolt impression yeah phenomenal yeah phenomenal Travolta oppression and then the Dice Man became like a part of his act and then he just decided that's the best part so I'm

going to dice all the time and then he decided you know what fuck living like a regular person was going to be dice all the time so he became the guy in his act I mean that's who he is like most of the time oh yeah yeah kinnison kinnison under similar similar situation never met kinnison kinnison I mean he died well before I got in the stand-up but I've never met Dice and I've always liked sang his Praises like I think the day the laughter died is one of the greatest comedy albums of all time and I've just never met him he's great yeah I'll introduce you next time I see him at the store if you're there I've heard great stories he must like he must know who I am so for my sake will ya yeah I once did Governor what if he wasn't will you be mad I wouldn't be mad be surprised us because I've spoken about him publicly that like if he was if we was wondering why he sold like a thousand copies of the day the laughter died after I like talked about on the podcast like he would hear that you know someone said something nice about you you find out but I was a Governor's once and they were like all probably like

dice was here last weekend and he left one of his gloves you know the fingerless gloves and I was just like give it to me like what do I have to do to take this glove home that I like still have a laguerta round wet around sometimes it's fun do you read it write jokes with it oh I like walk around like just the toilet doing a little this one little O's but it's not cigarettes like this yeah but yeah love love dogs but those characters from guys get lumped into a character when you get locked into that it can be very self defining you know of course we're kinnison I think it was very self to find out big time I mean I thought about that when I was like creating my Persona it was like what's going to age well hmm you know like not like I think of a guy like Nick Swardson you know who's just like party all the time I like like he's a college kid forever right it's like that how long can you do that for right it's like still kind of has to do it and it's still great but I'm like are you enjoying this you know like I want to be able to like kind of hold on

my dignity you know who the best version of it Emo Philips yes that's the best example because it's like wow like because when he was a young sort of cute guy it was kind of strange to watch him do comedy like less when you're 60 though and you're doing that people like hey man this is just weird yeah like Bobcat talked about that like that Bobcat had this moment where he stopped being bobcat and people like hey man how can we not doing the scream he's like fuck you I'm not doing it I hate told me the best story ever he said he's in he's at a Comedy Works in Denver doing a weekend and he's eating shit every show and every show he's just bombing and everyone's going to do the voice do the voice he's like no I'm not I don't do the voice anymore I'm not doing the voice Late Show Saturday someone in the back yells were from Aurora do the voice for us and he goes oh you're from Aurora at least you learned to sit in the back

and he said this is like a year after the shootings movie theater is a year after that and he said the entire audience the entire audience just pretended he didn't say it they didn't boo they didn't laugh they just acted like nothing had happened and he did the rest of the show he said he made the whole weekend worth it for him just say that just to say that yeah dude I was speaking of which I was watching a video today you know how YouTube for whatever reason just starts recommending things and you click on it watching a video today on oh this is what it was I was looking at bulletproof clothing for whatever reason because I was like well I saw an ad on Instagram with this guy had a bulletproof hoodie on and it looked like a regular hoodie and he shot himself is it like a John Wick situation where it's like yes it's like shounen and was in fabric yeah so this guy had a regular hoodie and he shot himself in the gut with a 9-millimeter

bang while he was playing this video with like a regular hoodie I was like this is crazy and this hoodie it looked like a regular hoodie was but it's some sort of Kevlar something so then it recommends this next thing and this next video that I watch is on whether or not you should carry with a bullet in the chamber so it's this guy who's just speculating like that there's two kinds of people there's kind of people that thinks they're going to have enough time to Rack a bullet and there's a bunch of people that realize that when something happens it's like being in a car accident happens quickly and you got to be prepared you're not going to have enough time to rock a bullet and so there was this long discussion as to whether or not you should have a bullet in the chamber or not when you conceal carry and he was talking about how this guy was open carrying but he could see that the guys the hammer was shut down on the pistol which means he's going to have to Cock it

because it was a not a revolver but you know whatever and Autumn a semi what is it when what is it when you call what are you calling those when you have to load it like that like a 9-millimeter Glock what is the difference well one's a revolver revolver revolves so it's not a revolver is just a pistol anyway he was saying because the way the hammer was you could tell that this guy you know he was going to have to pull that hammer back it was going to use that gun

and I was like this is this is like next-level thinking like these people everywhere you go someone's worrying about shooting you and then I go onto Twitter almost like this is synchronicity and Eric Weinstein is a friend of mine says is this the the year where the debate is something the terms of is it appropriate to bring a loaded gun into a place where you worship now to protect yourself because there have been so many attacks on people and synagogues and churches and mosques and I'm like fuck man what a lovely what what is happening here

it's I mean it's bad I don't I'm not like there's nothing going on today what do you mean there's two more attacks today at synagogues Zeus one was in a church what were the ones that happened today there was two smaller ones there was no is there was a church that was in San Diego this weekend no the the synagogue in San Diego this weekend but there was another one like this morning when I was reading the news Los Angeles yes yeah what was it former 26 year old US Army soldiers served at the Aniston has been charged with plotting Terror attacks in Los Angeles area rally and Long Beach

so it's on it's on the front page of c and then we got some like it some sounds leaking through that video did he do something or did he just got caught a lot it says he was accused of targeting Jews as they walked to a synagogue police officers a military facility and crowds at the Santa Monica Pier I think there was another one too there's another one somewhere else might have been outside the country

today it's like fuck like this shit is ramping up yeah it's getting worse and worse are you gun guy I have guns I wouldn't say I'm a gun guy but I have them hunting or like just don't really I have hunting guns and I have safety guns like security guns or private you know personal protection guns but I hunt with a bow and arrow mostly but of course I'm not opposed to when I say of course in sarcastic I'm not opposed to it was this California synagogue attack latest this is the the they found a social media message I guess right before it happened of course

Jesus Christ you're talking about no I don't know I think there was some another one that I saw I believe it was in another country

that's all right it's enough there's so many I know I know you just numb to it well also that their chart targeting places of worship now like what the fuck man

do you have guns no would you ever won one they make me uncomfortable like I'm not like against people want to have guns okay I'm not them it's not a hill I'm going to die on but I think what's happening with with schools and churches is is reprehensible and it's we are the only country where this really happens you know it's not anymore it's happening you know around the world but it's it's always much more often here yeah yeah no there's there's certainly an argument for that the real problem is the guns already there so how do you what do you do when you live in a country of 300 plus million people with 300 plus million guns how do you ever eradicate that how do you ever how do you shift the path that we seem to be on what do you do I mean everything is like you know people talk about this and then like you know how do we do what's is it the culture is it this any turn on the TV and it's like a video game commercial or commercial for a movie and it's just a supermodel

around in circles shooting everything she sees you know like you don't think this is having an effect like they just make it look so cool that if you want to be the hero you got to have a gun you know how about John Wick John Wick three come down with my fucking favorite thing ever and I'm like this is the most the most glorifying gun shit ever but I love it like I love it all right it is a problem I mean it says he hasn't made me turn to guns you know me I wouldn't say that I'm a video games me no make this video games are making people more violent I don't I don't believe that I don't know if there's evidence to back that but I mean I've always loved you know James Bond movies you know things like where guns are are are a big part of it and it's never made me want to pick one up well there's a real argument that that alleviates some of the need for violence that people like seeing it and in seeing it and something like John Wick it actually relaxes people this is real argument for that and there's real argument that you can make with that with video games too but that is not with everybody the problem is certain people are very susceptible

able to influence their susceptible they're vulnerable to being influenced or excited in one particular direction whether it's excited to become radicalized and become a white nationalist want to shoot up you know whatever figure out the whatever the group is or whether it's you know there's certain people that you know they'll see something in a movie or a video game it'll make them want to act that out but they usually mentally ill mean that's that's the real problem the real problem is mental illness that the type of person that could go into a synagogue and just start shooting people that's a mentally ill person that's all yeah but regardless of whether or not they have a gun or not that's a sick person so we have to figure out like what's causing this massive amount of mental illness in this country because that's a big it's just that's the guy in Aurora is a perfect example like I was they knew he was sick they knew there was something really I mean if you see a photos of that fucking guy you look at his eyes heels

completely batshit crazy on this is something to it's like when they when they now they've started to refuse to show the guy's face you know they won't show it because I like this guys getting Glory now and the next shooter wants to top that right but I think they're getting a little bit smarter about it but what's the quote no man chooses evil because it's evil they only mistake it for happiness hmm like I believe that yeah that's a good quote

Yeah they mistake it for happiness or they want other people to feel what they feel they want other people to suffer the way they're suffering

know what I mean when you ever have a giant country filled with people you're going to have a broad spectrum of people's experiences and so you're going to have a certain number of people that are on the low end of experiences the worst experiences all the time sexual abuse physical abuse violence mental illness pills drugs this that boom but like Japan is one of the most unhappy countries in the world people at the suicide rate is off the charts but they take themselves out yeah you know in America it's like let me who can I take with me yeah I don't know what that what that is well Japan emphasizes humility and they reward it like if they emphasize being polite and orderly it's really interesting there was a piece I was watching on YouTube of these people that live in cyber cafes that they have cyber cafes that are open 24 hours a day in Japan

and they have like this little cubicles that you take in there and they're just online on their computer and they have all their things there and that's where they live they shower and they go back to the little cubicle but this woman was saying that it made her feel like she wasn't alone but she wasn't with people either like she likes that the like she wants to know that there's people around her but she doesn't want anybody in her life whose dark yeah yeah that's super fucking dark sad just the loneliness like that that's a giant issue apparently in Japan is how lonely people are which is incredibly ironic when you consider that it's probably one of the most population dense places on Earth and Tokyo at least oh yeah I think it is working their asses off I mean they fucking love to jump in front of trains they live for it like it really is like the of countries it's the least happy country in the world wow

I think number like the happiest is like someone Scandinavian orbit yeah yeah Sweden or some shit yeah yeah Finland I think Finland like ranks very highly on that yeah

why is that it did the thing I was watching said it was like a sense of community I think the chasm live together and like to eat their meals together as like a neighborhood almost and they just like everyone contributes and they're just happy and content that makes sense the numbers are smaller too I think that that helps also it's gorgeous up there that helps to a lot of factors that right yeah like what's a big city and Finland Helsinki how many people's at 50 only people live in Helsinki 50 50 50 I bet 50 yeah I bet you right now I would I bet Helsinki as 1.2 million people how many people Helsinki have

that's a wild guess and the why I had to put the point to in their hedge my bet if I was on The Price is Right it's the biggest but the thing I pull up doesn't say the second largest has 279,000 well say what Helsinki does for some well doesn't you can't doesn't if you Google population of Helsinki it's the very first thing I had which is the biggest cities in Finland I figured it would have had its toe just 558 $558,000 ain't shit wow that's it that's why they're happy it's basically like for Boulders yeah for Boulder Colorado and it's a whole country yeah you go to Boulder the did some of the nicest people ever why hundred thousand of them is it hard to build their beautiful bolt beautiful beautiful gorgeous great people little on the Socialist side but I get it little too many Birkenstocks and tayabas and

girls could use a little bit more makeup it will makeup on gals it's not lit up a little not pronounced Eva what that was maybe this Divas I don't know I live in heard the word weird leather sandals and shit but it's a cool place man but I think you know that's what you get if you live around nature you get bunch of fit people that like hiking and shit a lot of North Face jackets hmm you know they got great weather yeah yeah they really do they have blizzards and snowstorms and shit but they also have like you little be 30 degrees in Denver or Boulder and then the next day it'll be 60 yeah it doesn't make any sense would you say Denver's the best comedy town in the country it's up there it's up there I fucking love it there me too I'm going there in August I'm doing that place again I fucking love it yeah it's one of my favorite places on the planet period like if I was going to leave AA Denver's one of the spots that I would pick I think about like when I eventually leave where would I go in Denver's Denver's at the top

list I used to want to go to like Seattle or Portland and then I read that article that terrifying article about how life works not just the like the if we talked about the big one earthquake in LA they're like what's really going to fuck shit up is the tsunami that's going to have on that boat line there like Portland and Seattle we're going to be gone with that tsunami a hundred percent right on a percent yeah it's just whether it's a hundred years from now or two hmm Jesus but I got you if we wake up one day and Seattle's gone 13 million people dead it goes deep into Washington State all the way to Coma the ocean goes to Tacoma although there was an article with a like talked about like what how it would happen like when would have liked minute-by-minute in Portland with this with his going on it was just terrifying yeah fuck that too risky also seasonal depression is real oh for sure I have a buddy - moved to he moved to Portland and started you just go out there and I was like do you like it he like dude I fucking love it I really don't miss out loud at all he was like no

what about the reins of Bobby is like no no it's nothing two years later he's back in La I go what happened goes the fucking whether I go you liar I'll give you a try to convince me you would try to tell me and he started laughing he's like that's convincing myself yeah he bought into it he goes I go what happening is I came back one time and when it was rainy out there and it wasn't raining here and I was like what am I doing like I'm less happy they're like it makes you less happy if it's raining all the time it makes you less happy oh yeah rain if you live in LA and it rains we're all happy like oh this is cool it's raining out of vitamin D is important it's not just vitamin D either it's like a feeling you get like you're going to be cold and wet you're gonna be cold and wet and gonna bundle up and get inside quickly get inside you can't just be free can't be outside sitting in the grass eating lunch so looking out relaxing yeah I like my hammock yeah fuck that place and then fuck places that have like too much snow

to like are all the people that want to move back to New York Mike you can keep that good luck with that yeah that New York in the summer and the winters were killed me in New York I've been waiting for the subway when you're just like dripping sweat was just brutal gypping sweat with moist piss smell everywhere that moisture but that's carrying those piss odor molecules in the subway like what in the fuck are you people breathing in down here and I never got the rubber boots you know what I mean I was always just like had sneakers I'm like trying to get the trying to get the Fallon at like 7:00 in the morning walking to the subway through the slush as I could be beautiful wall was snowing and then as soon as on the ground you were just like get rid of this shit now did you write for foul huh what was that kid like I mean it was it was frustrating they didn't like because it I started when he started Late Night with Jimmy Fallon's I was one of the first guys there and they didn't like any of my jokes like it was just it was it was to meaningful to me nor just

this is going to make Jimmy unlikable luckily it wasn't about being funny so much as I coming off as smart and unfriendly you know unlikable that they that's what I was there for a year and then they barely used any thing I ever did WOW but they knew I was funny they liked me and I thought for some reason in my head I thought that if I quit before a year that it'll like follow me people like what happened with Fallon well you only their year that like and then when I left it was like no one would have given a shit if I'd left after 10 weeks you know wouldn't have mattered at all yeah it was it was good an interesting experience but I did not enjoy it being a writer for other people's voices has got to be very difficult it's I mean for me it's impossible it's like I write in my voice and you either like it or you don't like I've written for Jimmy Kimmel Sarah Silverman and that if I loved the joke they loved it too but with Fallon that was not the case you know it was he was it was almost never like a he might he might he would laugh at the joke but he's like I can't say this can't do

what are they trying to do like what is he trying to do is trying to be like Middle America like there's a not a market for that right is that what it is he just wants everyone to love them you know he just wants everyone to everyone to love them that's like not a bad trait that having a late night host right probably the best trait to having a late night host hmm I'd like to see him drunk one day just shitting on everybody though I think would be hilarious Sizzlers doesn't do that oh yeah

let me I've heard that he quit drinking and I know that's true but he would like he liked to get drunk and like and like shitty bars and like hang out like with the with the staff and the crew like he was he's like a man of the people and he didn't just want to go home and drink he wanted to go out and go to some weird bar that was like in a Subway that no one knew about and have beers like he was a he was like a fun drunk you know but he did a lot yeah there was always those rumors that he's got a problem she can balance got a problem yeah yeah do you think that's like the pressure of just being this like super friendly sweet guy on TV want everybody to love you they like oh my god get me a fucking drink so I can cut loose I'm I think that could be part of it you know that's why I was I was thought like with my Persona like let's be the meanest person who can so that you it if you can it allows you to be nice offstage you know you got to kind of gives you a little bit of distance but the guys who come off as like your best

and onstage tend to be monsters off State some of them yeah yeah I got another story I'll tell you when we get off the air but one of those great well let's wrap this fucking thing up man you're special it's out tonight at midnight yeah what's it called fire in the Maternity Ward and you have Jesus what do you think of that title you gotta go with it every now and then with someone says you a title of a special and you have to hope that was one of those so you got me you have several though so what are the other ones that are available on Netflix now thoughts and prayers on Netflix find them turning toward comes out tonight I've got a podcast on Comedy Central called the Jeselnik and Rosenthal Vanity project oh that's right yeah who is it with my friend Greg Rosenthal is an FLL analyst we've been best friends since college so we just kind of like we supposed to talk about sports but we just fuck around like we never cool talk about sports yeah it's fun beautiful all right well good luck good luck with special thanks for doing this man appreciate yeah great

common in finally be here yeah for sure and I can't recommend his comedy enough it's for real if you're a fan of stand-up comedy Anthony Jeselnik is the shit thank you sir thank you John hi everybody thank you everyone for tuning into the show and thank you to our sponsors thank you to stamps.com you can access all the amazing Services the post office right from a regular computer with a regular printer and you get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitment go to stamps.com click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in JRE that stamps.com and enter J --r E we're also brought to you by the motherfucking cash app download the cash app from the app store or Google play or your cash card to start saving that cheddar and of course when you do download the cash app make sure you enter the referral code Joe Rogan all one word

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