#1310 - Sober October 2019 Preview

Jun 4, 2019

Joe is joined by Ari Shaffir, Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer to discuss this year's Sober October challenge.

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all right my friends today my guests are the sober October crew that's what's listed on my phone I have a group text message with these guys it's Ari shaffir Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer and we're trying to sort out what the fuck were going to do for sober October because it's around the corner it's not really but it is it's already June July August September October it's going to be here before you know it and we have no idea what our challenge is going to be so this podcast will be ridiculous will probably be intoxicated and I hope you enjoy it so please welcome the sober October crew

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The Joe Rogan Experience trained by day Joe Rogan podcast by night all day

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struggling right now pow pow so what will it have tell me about the tour bus this two turbos champ no no he's not let's hold off on the labels so we hear the stories we have only won one victory in this whole thing who's the tour bus he came so close to the weight loss did come close and then really we have one year it was like socialist it was like Marxist no one could lose yeah even if you lost it didn't matter I like that I was going on right now yeah that was a good year of this year's gonna be a good one listen last year almost kill myself yeah we got to do it differently than that your ping fucking purple wasn't purple but it wasn't the right color what color was were dyed Brown oh I was worried but it wasn't was just dehydration severe dehydration there was days where I would drink literally like fucking gallons of water yeah you don't want ice all right try it without personal you're crazy I was drinking so much I was drinking water and I was adding salt to it as adding

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salt to the water was I know I was dehydrated myself so much I would have puddles on the ground are you still there still wasn't sufficient like dude I set up a set off an alarm I remember that set off a fire alarm in the gym for my sweat crazy I've never heard of that of course I still have PTSD from last year sober October dude like I get texts from you guys and panic sets in my heart and I got wait what is my wife gets it she thinks I'm crazy for sure I moved and I just sets wives you're the only one who hadn't got low in the home life yeah if I come to New York it would have been I mean Allah would have been terrible we have an extra month but like I saw that fucking stupid device when I was moving I open up a drawer too little and I didn't want was like get it out get out of here Chucky Chucky little doll yeah I'm coming for you yeah I think Leann and push you're going to podcast this entire sub R October yeah don't worry he threw you under the bus

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didn't hear that story got you got you do why swaps your story she was they were asking about drugs and how hard I party and I just talking shit and I was like you know I go I go I spoke a little bit of weed out every now and then if cocaine's on a switchblade I'll hit it but for most part out I only I only do mushrooms once a year and Leanne just heard me and she's making breakfast for the girls because he doesn't do mushrooms and he doesn't do cocaine he's got high blood pressure like bitch I'm trying to move tickets and Dayton you under the bus body shop for fault it's available now I'll do the helper right now dude yeah we do right now right now right now right now / / /.com is weird you sound like you're coming off a Coke Bender out touring hard dude but think think about Tom like when you first started going on the road with me you're way far ahead further ahead now than I was a few Trend oh right when he was opening for me we don't cry later yeah we were doing clubs we're doing all clubs I make we started do theaters when you started to have

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line your own places that's true yeah that's pretty crazy it was quick I was thinking about it about that level you were at the we all thought was like damn well yeah I mean you know what I mean yeah it's because like you know someone you like it's accessible yeah right so right it seems normal right you like sense like oh I could sell out this whole weekend to yeah and then when you do you like oh shit look what a fucking comedian I'm a real comedian I saw that a club and it's just because we got in shape I don't even think about it just because it's over rocks because I didn't think about theaters back then like when we were all right in the club I don't know we were just doing clubs like I had done a couple of theaters here and there but for the most part it was just about just working yeah that's what I said was like what do you want to do with the curves I can I'd like to have clubs because when I theater like I couldn't do theater because why because you said you could do whatever you want and I was like alright guys got me to go on the road he really planted a fucking seat in my head one day in the back parking lot of The Comedy Store so why don't you do the road

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I said I don't know you said don't fucking just hang around here and he's like you can make a good living because you don't need these fucking TV guys and I was like wow he's right I was thinking about it I was like he's right - changed my life you I've said this a million times but you and Bill Burr and the back of the store telling me you shows not that good you should just stick with stand up for the Conqueror idea who that you are way better than that I'm like you're not even doing your standup Justice yeah I got see you do stand-up it's like you hadn't done it in five months you've been fucking Thailand or some shit swinging off of a tree like Deck Roller Coaster with some special people also I was worried you were going to get killed like you were doing so many different things to so many different places I call them up onto his drunk on a motorcycle in Vietnam yeah like what are you doing all these these uncomfortable lately unnecessary life skills yeah I learned in Rome

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yeah okay is that harder than when them hoverboards what's harder oh the other do those hoverboards for in the in the in the ocean and the blue no I don't mean that I mean the things of the kids were over at on just a whale the middle and heels no sir we are in the middle Rich rebuilds you know that YouTube channel do you know who he is and why he's a he's a YouTube hosts and he also he fixed his he's like the first guy to ever build a Tesla he bought adjunct Tesla that somebody had let get flooded with water and he's just a really smart guy and he's a tech guy so he's like okay what the fuck is in that thing like how do I fix this like so all the wires were fucked up the battery was toast so the bought a crashed one and he took the battery in the engine of the crashed one and put it in the one that he owned and then rewire and went through this crazy process to get a Tesla to work that he eventually did and now he has his own garage it's What's called the electric Garage in Massachusetts where he rebuilds these Tesla

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but what was my point though he had one of those with a big ass fat tire when you're riding on it like a skateboard that's hard that looks hard that's hard to do real time was killed someone on a Segway one time I was in Rome and we were on Segways and I was just screwing around and then I just hopped off and then realized that when you hop off if you're leaning forward it's the he keeps going and this thing started whipping around me just show and we're in like a big Piazza and I let just like all of it didn't hit anyone but everyone around us was standing dead still like oh my God I would have been bodied right there he's supposed to dive on it like a good hero yeah do you know where fun the made there's no way you're doing that you wouldn't I'm on it no way you have to take 15 15 people died just walk out casually I don't know

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does Hubbard those hover boards that are session jet skis where you go like 40 feet up in the air oh those are great those are fun as fast those do look cool I like the guys who like get it turned over and like nobody and then it starts to go down and they just with extra speed just shoot out of those card what are they just like a dude those things are fun as fuck legit yeah I could do a battle upon one all you gotta do is like fall backwards and then kick your feet around I picked up on that one quick Mmm Yeah there's a lot of useless skills I have from Travel Channel thank you you traveled so much oh my God always bothered me you know why I bothered me because I would have probably done it too if I was you and I was like God damn it how do you get out of that because I know that feeling like it's you have the best job ever you're on a TV show like oh my God I have the best job ever I'm a fuck I'm on a fucking TV show but yet you're still like fuck I gotta get out of this yeah sweet because you do get to go really cool places and get paid for it yeah that was cool but you also mean you are thrilled or do you

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stand up more I missed I missed and it will you what was happening is Tom's career was exploding at the top the day I fell off of waterfall you remember that yeah I was in Aspen and push called me she's like I'm talking to Tom he's talking about these one-nighters but I want to do the funny bones I was so far removed from stand up I didn't even I didn't even know you could do one-nighters I didn't know that theaters were an option I think I was at a store a week later and you were like you know Tom's doing like legit theaters and I remember just going I'm missed what if I just missed it entirely you could have in some people do we all know guys that were really funny back in the day and then they somehow another quit you fell apart did what if you hadn't been like I'm going to lean in to travel channel dude I was when he became a Christian like super Christian got a cross tattoo on your arm just to let them know you're not really down with them I'm sure your reps told you all those things yeah sure go to church with a fucking golf shirt on dude when I got fired from Travel Channel I've my world melted down I was right when we were getting fat shamed

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I was forgetting fat-shamed Leanne scheduled another case like we were getting country as if you boys want in on the action hold on the second you saying you you saying you were getting fat shamed but you gotta let people know like you don't really believe in fat shaming you weren't really getting fat challenge no doubt that time it was very one-sided real thing at the time I got fired from Travel Channel I was Guy definitely was one sided and I felt it hard as fuck your friend was fucking with you because he was worried you're gonna die you want that's gonna do it though yeah it on a major platform yep it wasn't like morning radio he was on another level I don't want his fucking special on Netflix dude imagine taking a golden appearance which is massive in the time and you go up now I'm going to use this for fun try to promote myself DJ dad mouth is my favorite character than anybody's ever thanks man when the Maggie show that was when you see that that was so funny I love that you were doing that because I hated those shows I was like why would he do those shows on TV is the terrible you do morning TV dress up like

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fake rapper she's it this way we'll know Segura created a character called DJ dad mouth and he would just show up places and the people did not know what the fuck to do with them because the lowest wrong in all of show business is morning television Company televising so sorry if you listen to this and you're a local morning television host look I still read newspapers okay yeah and while I am better than morning host it's one of the lowest rungs in all of show buses so weird wrong with your traps it's like it's like you're broadcasting out of like a Christian convenience store something it's very strange the worst part two is the four of us plus like 90% of the acts working those clubs do not have a fan base watching that show know your name you put it together you're like this is definitely a waste of time like we're wasting our time right yeah and then if you that's the only one that morning yeah we're like you woke me up at fucking 62 do this to do good morning Hartford and it only works when you

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when you get in trouble yeah like chicken like I remember one time I got shirtless and went up in the in the weather and started saying there's thunderstorms Tom did DJ you've ever seen Mark Norman's Mark Normand says great when he just goes up and she goes how you doing he was kind of gay let's get this started hungover horny look at you I mean he just does Troy's but totally ruined it the relationship for the club really didn't hundred percent no I went in there after we see Morgan Tracy Morgan's is my first one that's the fucking Legend that's the 11 cocks gun get pregnant pause here and there is dying and they are dying when he does that big one in Chicago he was in Chicago for sure cause I know you kept hollering at Bulls to give him like I'm in the middle of it and yeah here it comes he just crashed he just crashes $2,000,000 Bugatti today today yep a Honda sideswiped him whoa Hell's Kitchen

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I get here already you hit by Walmart driving Savage ran into a two million dollar Italian sports car Sam I saw I did a show with him like a year and a half ago one of the Oddball shows and he came in a all white Rolls Royce with a profession like with a driver you know like a chauffeur and he came in all white and had like a fucking enormous gold chain with a medallion yeah TMI was a channels crazies like 600,000 so some crazy shit this is yeah this guy sideswipe Tracy Morgan's convertible $2,000,000 Bugatti what he's letting people know well what's he doing hiring The Hondas defense it's a very low car he has a high car he probably looked over saw nothing at fuck you know is the car that was like two feet off the ground it's a small car what do you think ours are so hard to see if you're right next to him what does that do is Insurance say when he calls

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you what I don't know if we can cover this is your card fuck they probably that'll probably be like the final straw yeah probably kick him off the contract for sure was that Tracy Morgan interview that was kind of a had to be an inspiration doing the DJ dad mouth right the me that was the first one I remember like well I guess I mean I someone could fuck with you can fuck with them and that way yeah I mean yeah I mean it was funny because some people would be really into having fun with you like the Tracy Morgan people they laugh and have a good time and then some people let me like I could see how it close relationship could because we left one of the club's when I told him I was coming out as non-binary and the lady was like what this is an on the air smells like different genders and she was like all right and she's turned on the TV and she was like tough she's was and then she called in the like we called the pr person that drove us to the club or to the venting realize she's in a coma what the fuck was that she's like that was that guy is so weird don't bring stuff like that in here

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the whole point we don't want to come in here they they think that what they're doing is serious we're providing a wonderful morning show for Downtown Pittsburgh you showing them how to make fucking I tried to draw me sandwiches exactly so so dumb what what a great sandwich hey thanks a lot we've got the Christian Youth Group is going to sing for us next I tried shitting on the last time I went to Cleveland it was the normal that's why I know the relationship still fine but I was like there was a doctor before me I was like why is he where's fucking doctor Alpha to do this on the where you put a sweater on and left him because I don't know it's feels like you're stepping into like Truman Show stuff so contrived there's nothing real especially when there's like a 22 year old PA or associate producer one time I went in and I said yet I'm already drunk from doing radio you just put the mic on my necklace and she goes why I'm gonna take my shirt off she goes huh you will not be doing that and I said you don't tell me what to do excuse me I'll be right back and then came back and she goes what is in your cup and I said whiskey she was like

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he's drinking his drinking cold on you oh my God I was just like I was like we should probably leave she just left - left I was like I don't want to get anyone fired she's telling you you can't take your shirt off so have a drink yeah or have a drink I love how it's like she's telling me that she found something out you like I was poor you in front of everybody right I don't want to check out the bottle at show me she's our insurance company yeah it's hilarious of people don't know what job they're in taken more seriously one of those morning shows fucked off like the way we're talking about be like the best Morning Show a big right so much Tom Green had a great great when I remember now back when he was like Public Access yeah he's trying to promote Public Access so you came to Tom Green Show and he just took over he did some crazy pies in the face yeah exactly amazing is like him and then that of the do Jamie Kennedy they did their best shit where there were like pranking people check out and then they just stopped yeah man but Tom's blew up so crazy so crazy that one time was on I couldn't it was stuff I couldn't even believe I'm green did open

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wow yes Oprah was like we're gonna like this it was such a phenomenal what was going on show was so big he milk that like with his mouth yeah but he puts slut Mobile on his dad Mike the carrots and then hid in the bushes yeah he didn't just like let me talk to Samantha people like my mommy and daddy people forget did people forget Tom Green what happened to go for no heat no he got ball cancer had to take a break came back and try to do like a more serious show with Humperdinck what's this guy's name but what I'm saying is people forgot how big it used to be oh they may have forgotten what he in all fairness one of the man what he did was he did what we're all doing way before any of us but was when bandwidth was too expensive he did he had his own podcast did it you did I did it as house was part of the inspiration for me doing one yeah and and even talk to his yes I even talked to his company they were based in Denver I was in Denver doing the Comedy Works I talk to the company that was doing it for him and I was seriously considering doing something like that but the problem was that it

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like the bandwidth is crazy expensive he had cables running from the desk all the way through his living room into a server room he had a server room that's house and it was crazy I don't know how much money is involved in this he's like a fuckload of money and he was like I have to have all these people running it too that was Tom Green's that's meantime green and he so it essentially it was was he decided to try to do a talk show host I remember that Joe Rogan the fucking long sleeve under the short sleeve I left that Joe Rogan and I look for a while with the torn jeans you were like I'm not coming to Hollywood giving up again that was all based on one crunch which he had in his house I know he just go on and flip a switch and the show went on and went live so me and red van looked at it and we're like well how much is involved in this like what would we have to do to do something like this and then you know eventually it just led to that and kumea Anthony kumea was that was a big bang yeah he had that live from the compound in his basement and then the way that Opie and Anthony

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and their show was an inspiration to because it was just to hang out and it was my favorite show to listen to yeah because just a bunch of guys hanging out talking I was like that's like that's what I want to do four hours of them eating oatmeal I remember they just eat oatmeal and you'd be like oh yeah I was a big fan back then he told me oh you tune in early 2001 and they just be eating breakfast and just go and Jim would take a shit and be gone for 30 minutes because he didn't have any at the point when they first started him I didn't have him fax that or day back in the day I didn't have any advertisers so they had to fill four hours of content so they literally I mean everything went yeah when they first started on SiriusXM they had to fill four hours of content oh yeah no commercial there's no commercials that was the pitch crazy that serious said hey we don't have commercials a parent you pay for it and then they just start selling commercials like wait a minute all right fucking paying for this yeah and you got commercials too yeah ask is how we gotta get that paper kid it's weird people with the Helm of no flickering

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it goes down it's Caked Up he gets kicked up so no matter how I mean he's locked up in a contract for Liz I've sun to come up he wants more money on you sure that's what Howard would do you know I mean but he makes up a sload of money yeah you know now there's no one even close is no second place is he has just a huge like he's a huge shareholder drive that lawsuit to do that if we can get over let's say the number was a hundred million subscribers I get this gigantic bonus and then they bought serious serious and then I got to this 160 plus another 40 is a hundred so I get it because there's no we acquired that you pay me motherfuckers I don't know what happened with it but well fuck would you move right there his move I think is is respect you guys are done with the beef be with them I just think he's retired but what is he did a good thing for this but basically what he was saying was that the only reason that deal took

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is at all was because he was a was it serious or XM he was serious serious they were bottom so being anywhere except right right right so the only reason why serious was kicking ass at all was because of Howard fucking Stern period and there was nothing on serious other than him yeah look it started wired wouldn't have Acquired and it's also the model was like so you know suspect at the time you're gonna need to rest real Rodeo right and go to a place where people have to pay for what they just turn on deserves it here's why no one else could have carried that no no one else he was radio he and especially at that time during that transition a satellite no one else would have got people to commit to having a fucking satellite dish in your car and we had those stupid fucking antennas that you said to put in your car to get to get serious the wire went all the way through your car is gross and fucking stupid thing that would stick up like a pig tail out of the roof of your car and that shit yeah and how I would cut out for like every turn any corner and there was a building in New York City Building

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block tunnel say tunnel was dead the city that existed it yeah okay whatever money that country that company makes the only reason is still under this particular Howard Stern pressure only reason yeah for sure this is it yeah I had XM and it was until Bennington and Opie and Anthony showed up it was painful or the thing The Yacht Rock yeah oh yeah it was cool though you like 90s rock three different channels about a hundred different channels it was awesome yeah it was worth a dollar a year student or best dude he's been doing on stage lately he did my storytelling show to recently the same thing just talk about the good old days of fucking drug addiction but your could get down D describes the city that you're like oh my God I want to be there he would tell my wife even know what year what first time in the city I went I left I went there six years old first time I've ever been there yeah like juicy Times Square when it was Times Square yeah but I was like what's up woman wearing a bra I just a bra my mom whatever what they did

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Times Square they turn x square into like Disney Mall it is a scuff the it's New York's version of like like Disneyland it's disgusting yeah and it's a nightmare whenever you're visiting and also you know like when you're visiting your in a car no need to go to this and I'll sudden you look up and you're like oh we're in fucking times like you're just driving through it but we gotta get out of here man right like the weird chaos the background it's just like it's to commercialize yeah no commercials no reason it feels like you're yeah everything that makes New York amazing is like gone got a good joke about for a meeting and then like you're walking and people just looking up and he's like why is that much I'll fuck him and that's where yeah who says that Jim Gaffigan that's funny that's funny well it's like it's very Vegas ask it's like walking down the strip yes it is it's like the lights in the token that's fairly decent there's no M&M's that's not where is invented so why is it a giant M&M store and when you knew used to know what it was like like peep shows and XXX everywhere and those it was CD and

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yeah but every dangerous yeah it was dangerous like legitimately dangerous you made the worst time what 70s 80s right I was like the worst crime time late 70s into the to the mid to late 80s I was hanging out in New York in the 80s when I was that was my pool hustling days and I was doing a lot of gigs I guess it was in the 80s it was the 90s the early 90s because by 91 was I think the first time I performed in New York 91 or maybe nine am really yeah well this is like you're just starting out though kind of think you got em Sam Billiards was that what was that was Chelsea Chelsea Billiards child killers were we would go to Amsterdam but Amsterdam is on the west side back then it was on am so moved that's why I was called Amsterdam Billiards sense it was on the west side it was an awesome place I play that's where I became friends with Dahmer era play pool with him and 94 at Amsterdam Billiards I didn't know he played like when I went meet a pool player I got comic with actually plays yeah Dom could play he called me today I can't wait I'm gonna love that guy I love him so much but

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the New York was a different place man I was around a lot of these like weirdo homeless grifter type characters a lot of dudes we get arrested for doing three-card Monte like the pool hall was like the best education of like Street culture like people who live on the street I mean home people people are basically almost like sometimes it's to hear they're like my friend Johnny was always like staying and people say stayed at my house for sometimes he would stay in these weird little hostels and flop houses in New York and places that didn't have a roof like you have walls but they'll be like no replace everything here I remember like the as a kid in that era the perception that you had of New York is like this is nothing but crime right they say is dangerous you're not allowed Giuliani you know clamp down on all that shit I remember I met when I moved and I found a place that came back to get my stuff and I told Neal Brennan was like I don't think they have bars on my back window do I need that I guess I'll do read the crime stats it's a different city though it's not that silly anymore yeah they're nice and it was reading the words already safe

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97 I was I mean I don't remember any crime what's although I did get taken three card Monte and number of times but they didn't force you any time any time I saw three-card Monte you know my brain I'm like I fucking got this fucking put money down larious dude hi some that and these have this game where they had a nail and a piece of board and you have a hammer and you had three shots get the nail in that they have that in Thailand dude I did Ever every fucking time so hard there were so many so hard there's so many Hustlers right back in those days in New York yeah so many people trying to get off some kind of scam yeah I got I've been scammed by a driver in New York how what it's like this was not even that long ago I mean it's probably like seven eight years where know like you get in the cab and you're like you know if you don't live there but you kind of know like the layout you just like basically I want to go up you know 20 blocks this way right and the guy just goes across town starts going up like the opposite highway from where we were I'm like

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what are we doing exactly this already that you could track her cell phone your phone yeah I'm just looking at it like what are we doing he's like going up to the I go couldn't you have just gone up that Avenue that we were on he was like I don't know what's going on man I'm like I don't want this is fucking outrageous and then we pull up I see like the meter go and go I'm like this is crazy that was it supposed to be a ten minute drive as taken 40 minutes he goes just pay me whatever you want to pay me what yeah and I go okay cause you didn't want to get caught yeah I go okay say that so I go like the thing said like $68 and I was like here's 20 bucks he's like that's it I guess we start work more Pace but I want to say so I'll see you man yeah I bet it was totally worth it yeah because he totally did God do ya do ya yeah I do is there a once in Jerusalem when I got there I took a I was like take me to been a Brock and it was I didn't realize I was three blocks over he could you just told me like no that's right there dude but instead it took me around the city and then let me off I don't want to go home afterwards I look what

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right here find out yeah I thought you find out found out on my way on that cab ride because I started texting people at the next place I was like I was just leaving here and I'm going to see you should I be on the fucking way do I need my passport and like know so you didn't speak Spanish in that moment he was a rush from see I would have taken I would have taken I would have gone right to Spanish kind of a language it makes me feel powerful Nigerian I got pickpocketed and in Florence and I went into Russian everything every word I knew in Russian I yelled at the guy and he ran because he was like I don't want he's like rushing to fucking animal she yelled out America you fucking traitor should he held out Merica and take your fucking shirt off and said I'm the machine and started running after us motherfucker one comes up I'm scared more scared of you than you are

► 00:34:29

about on the radio that is hilarious and then we went out on stage then because the audience is gonna be like so wait what do you do then you pull out Coke and you do a bum ya everybody and then he started making no sense and then blood comes out of your nose it's an awesome show you could do method you want if you don't want to do the coke that night you take your high blood pressure vent pressure medication on stage I'm not around yeah I would I would love you know what I'd love to MIT start growing is cocoa plants the kind where you just chew the leaves how think you can grow them here - suitable you can get there yeah you're good at it you can make you could you could like organize a closet with some heat lamps and shit you think so yeah for sure and it just have just to like chew a little bit well they got afraid John let's find out how many people are growing their own coca leaves in the United States nothing ever want to why not why wouldn't you have I would love to thank you thanks so much of it that's why those female cocaine right me just make those Peruvian leaves a hole why me like Bears I would love to

► 00:35:29

crazy happens when you chew those leaves it's actually not bad for you at all right and the team with coca tea is grave had that yeah that'll settle your nausea you know it can be special you get to like course I'm serious like yeah everyone starts drinking it so to find me up it's great it's really crazy that everybody just thinks this one thing as the processed chemicalized fucking yeah version that Scarface and climbing how many people have died because of cocaine oh my God good Lord how many murders is there another drug on the planet that is inspired more murders than cocaine yeah right I would I would love to know murders versus number of dick sucked for it that'd be good one way more - they don't but a lot of people get their dicks sorry I don't cook like it might not be everybody but it's like 30% so that price because girls can afford Coke to if they're young they're partying and they're out and it's some fucking guy comes along with a fat Tracy Morgan like gold chain

► 00:36:30

that's how good Coke is though yeah that's how good it is right you that that people are like for sure I'll just blow this stranger So yeah thank you guys so would get Coke that didn't do Coke they would get Coke just so they have Coke so Howard around for those whore women girls want to cut wow because some girls when they want Coke they like I am calling somebody and I'm gonna get some fucking cooking I'm gonna leave here I'll hold on hold on we got some coke some of those you know is a goddamn orgy going on somebody's just girls are like oh I know my blowjob is worth stuff so what can I get out of it what am I looking for my brother-in-law told me that he went to Woodstock to you know like what 20 years ago whatever was and he said this guy got out of one of his friends got of a long like this an orthodox Jew kind of a long line with a bunch of food like it took forever to get through concessions and she goes look at my way to align I'll blow you for that food and go yeah sure let's do it wow absolutely sucked his dick for food yeah food so your that's like your chip time she had a little extra protein wow wow we had a be real from

► 00:37:29

Brazil and I he was showing us the footage of him on stage crowd surfing he was on stage in front of in Woodstock half a million people in the fucking crowd and then and then goes out into the crowd crowd Surf and they stole a sneakers they took a sneakers and both people both left and right sneaker they came to his one of his shows and he signed it in the future wow I got your shoe from Woodstock we silently fuck yeah he signed that's crazy that's what it's the video of him on stage in front of a half a million people it is insane I love how they the life sciences health and have not wavered at all from their day one knock me smoke this shit all day too and then if like if you open their Instagram right now it's just like check it out yeah I can 30 years deep in this shit like they don't fuck around at all crammed in Cypress Hills Instagram like half of it is we'd video yeah with like Cypress Hill Music in the background yeah it's crazy this is videos of people doing wax and dabs and bong hits with Cypress Hill in the back first albums so good so

► 00:38:29

I mean you think they get high the way we get high dude I know they do I went with them they get way higher than oh no but I'm saying today like are they out of it now man look he's fine I did I did a show called The Smoke Box yeah oh you just saw an old car get out by the way can I just say I thought you an old Chinese guy yeah barbecue and I wasn't even there are you serious was another dimension yeah see I would just have a passport picture of you and it looked like you were I was like smoke so much before we ever got in the car I was like I can't believe we're going to keep going he's like totally normal always normalize could be sun yeah those guys profession owner then dog barks they're just fine yep that's not me that's me with booze though yeah I could definitely I could definitely probably like I was I was trying to think of like the celebrity I could go beer to beer for and then really hurt them yeah most of them most post below post Malone he's taking down dude you can take that remark yeah who do you think the young guy was scribbles on his face

► 00:39:29

he's an awesome it's a great fucking musician yeah it's great musicians awesome his tattoos are questionable they're odd what is a who do you think was really fucking take it down yeah you know I mean like I don't you heavily and I think if you know this is I thought about this a lot if I go for their cocktail and I got a match them cocktail cocktail I can keep Pace with Stanhope that's a big one keep has just announced Jesus in him doesn't drink as much as everyone thinks he just drinks everyday Allah ya like like yeah it's a buddy system but he's not like he's not like a lot of its life oh right yeah a lot of light beer sales the oddly enough a lot healthier than I think people assume Ron White will be a tough one oh yeah Ron White is a giant white goes he gets fucked up every night of the week it's possible like every night of the week every night every access every night every night I saw I know how to do damn but he's a looks like a million dollars looks better than I need to happy man I'll tell you

► 00:40:30

happy dude it looks great yeah just 38 years old the boys were brought here for a reason not just to talk shit she's like we're trying to figure out how to get sober October this year so what are we going to do this about Tower my I will already so I already have the answer and I think it's early for me to say it now so I'll wait till the end oh you sound you have your job your thought I have I know exactly what we're doing okay so this is happening all right part is so we're going so goes over Tom's got an aggressive schedule I think we should go no coffee okay hmm really dude sobriety but why because I think we should make it harder they know no booze no alcohol ZZ the coffee though common thing Uno water it's it's not so bad you're not sober you're on a mild stimulant I think it's cheating I think we should go no coffee I like no coffee I like no coffee no coffee only

► 00:41:29

wait can we relate you can only drink water the whole month cheese no other drinks I'm fucking in no other drinks sponsored water but you forgot what you fucking think about like for know that works I like where you're going with my child ramping up I'm ready to go to war wait only water and carbonated water yep I'll do that I'll do that I'll do that oh so no coffee so would you wouldn't have milk in your coffee wow yeah no Lodge brother we should go carnivore diet all month nothing but ribeye steaks all right relax why not because we were gonna fucking tell you what I'm willing to negotiate I'm willing to negotiate with what I think our challenge should be for what you think are restrictions should be well what do you think the challenge should be I have an idea of what challenge to be weight on your right is yours it's about health right yes yeah Health it's not what do you want it to be I think it should be if mental health is a legit part of Health

► 00:42:29

you should give up your fucking dopamine fucking addictions and you're ready real phone jack ever your cell phones your social media for a month I get your I get why you wouldn't do it because your career you can email your fucking ladies to fucking post it for you ladies enjoy social media yeah I know I think you have a good point with this I do I really didn't I think about you sometimes when I feel like I've been on like a flight or in a hotel room and I'm like I think I could look at my phone for like three hours think I'm hot and gone out being there yeah just being my just think it takes the the connective tissue away from this dish challenge to the people that enjoy watching this challenge I think a lot of people enjoying for sure that will be up that will be a problem I mean I might be able to rejoin it was a rock let's do it and then November 1st everyone's like oh yeah you guys did some rocktober I forgot about that I could get each of you and Alcatel know I could and I understand I'm not like Joe who says do what I do and then I'll just fucking have it

► 00:43:29

time of it I will go with no cell phones okay will do beyond what I already okay let's let's let's didn't do what you guys did though even though I can't be doing yoga every day you can get it down to join us in the chat that was a challenge in that like there was no contest if it was I had to do yoga the most like I don't know right right right right that's it that's it maybe it's the most 90-minute yoga class and can reverse I hear them so you hear his mental health it's a good point we definitely look at these you fucking thing you can also get a lack of legit real camera if you want it film stuff give it to your fucking assistance to have a post so you could have it posted figure this out post whatever you need total be how about this how about this

► 00:44:29

run the most miles in a month is What racket 7 subtract it let me just go for a baseline right now how many miles a month you run right now it's up there man okay what about you Bart every has to be real running I wanted a real on the gas I don't want that bullshit on a fucking treadmill motor rocks shoes with a Bluetooth capability in them yeah well where the rocks and white shoes so we're gonna pose on we're gonna run from miles but it's not fair because you're already doing well I'm only running hills man okay how many how many miles do you have when you go for a run now it's no more than an hour hour and 15 minutes same same I'm a marathon right there no no up hills of Hills he's probably running six miles I'm trying it on right away you gotta run steep shit it's more like it's more sprinting it's like there's a lot of Plyometrics it's more like that like you're not just flat run

► 00:45:29

steady Pace do you sprint run down I'm changing my dog to wear have I'm trying to make it hard I mean I pretend things are chasing me I play little games in my head yeah that's nice I pretend I have to get to the top or everyone in no dies yeah you're good at this shit yeah just give me a hint that brought whatever you got in your brain give it to me a little bit when I work out you don't want it yeah because it ramps up and ramps up that's ready to go I think we were crazy we were going guys we were working at like six seven hours a day it was terrible man but the whole time I was like I do 0 working out so this is Jack you look great alright alright when you were here when we were like three weeks into the month and you were here we did a podcast together and use my fucking rower you did an hour on the rower and you were ripped you have a six-pack I was like look at this motherfucker I'm that was pretty impressive an hour on the rower is real work that's real work you were not going to not get second or is not going to knock on glass that's why would you not want to go here's what I here's what here's what I'm hearing Ari wants to do a challenge

► 00:46:29

is that you already excels at I get it no no but you're already off your by you dude and you're complaining about Joe is that he is is that he keeps logging in things that he is good at so yeah I will take care of this sister gentlemen if you're ready we're closer this years sober October physical challenge like you presenting it like a fucking with presidential candidate it's like an apple weapon it's gonna be good hip-hop dance and Joe hear me out no no no hear me out spin let me solve tell you let me softly you okay we each get a choreographer and we work dance classes as much as we can dance classes are pretty aggressive would we leave it to the audience to vote here listen hear me out let me what I like that idea Joe we can do that now hear me out starting with each my first of October itthat's what you doing a pitch you make him think it was their idea yeah we got it's a great idea all right I want you to look at want to look over at that belt you never getting that ball hold on hold on one second hear me guys hear me out everyone listen to me you should wear that for this

► 00:47:30

shit is put in the pocket belt on

► 00:47:36

oh okay alright I haven't even touched this thing since October

► 00:47:41

it was me with any sort of running belt man we each got to go to dance classes to get our skill set up we each work with a choreographer to create our own dance to the exact same song let me know when you're done at the end at the end at the End by the way I'm selling this to the room where the threading that through your jeans at the at the end of the Ivar temple built onto if at the end of the month come November 1st we each submit our one minute hip-hop dance choreographer choreography to video and the fans vote on who the winner of sober October is gentlemen I would like to hear your bottle starting with Tom Segura I gotta tell you let her watching this your rebuttals okay phone calls and yeah you put you put you start mention that here's what I'll tell you what I like about it they're easy to say what I don't like about anything that comes out of your mouth yeah so what I don't like about it or what I do like about it is that no one's great at it I do

► 00:48:41

like tread it is a workout because those dancers are unbelievable one dancer right now me obviously gonna get no first Joe second why not even close what are you talking about it's definitely me what I'm way better dancer than you guys you out of your fucking mind just because you speak Spanish I mean your dance no but I not better dancer than you guys first of all I would get fucking bitch I would I would know that there was something I could do a lot of crazy shit with my body you guys can't do that's true but I'm saying Rhythm come on dude you have rhythm yes all right you don't wait hold on you have rhythm I know I do I'm fucking phenomenal at dancing well he's okay but no no you get to close it down is that nobody excels I mean obviously I'm better than you but nobody excels so I like the idea of working at something that you know no one's great at and yeah

► 00:49:41

dance and other movie I was in the movie zookeeper yeah I took dance classes oh all right dance my ass off bitch I love how the movies make it seem normal that that guy could get that girl I know what no wait hold on hold on let's see Joe okay well I'll uh yeah like legitimately I mean I'm not good range so this is hip hop dance we're talking about look at his face yeah Dance come on son

► 00:50:10

oh yeah you did pretty good there actually are I took fucking dance lessons I did you in four weeks so you dance with Nikki Glaser Leslie Bibb she's from Talladega Nights yeah she's great she's great very very funny person to tonight I think that sounds like a done deal art and you don't have any way so that's the last thing the last thing that is great okay so everybody gets to work at it nobody excels too much at it I think it's funny that we're comics and we get to look silly doing something yeah I did not look great at it and I'm on board with I think it's fun that people that watch that or get really into it would have a say in it okay I'm the only one of the three of us who's not obese so it would look really silly for me to doing it in my son yeah it's all about the you're saying that you are into it or not I'm saying I would look at least silly just in terms of that but you guys that get why You Look Silly just moving at all hmm

► 00:51:10

we also need to be silly I'm not I'm not a fucking fat but you don't make yourself always you're always breaking break yourself before you break ankles and elbows and sheroes breaking I am breaking stuff that skin but super fucking vulnerable I am it's good point right injury what's intriguing not doing girl no no dance classes are intense do you really think you're the current best answer easily I think really yeah yeah I definitely most out of all of us I agree and so and so the dance classes are tough we get each get ourselves choreographers and we create our own dance to the exemption hype sup if we wait for me to talk about this okay but the amount of Molly I would have to do to enjoy that dancing but you can't be sober be solid but you can't November 1st that we posted it could be ideas the dance party over bro it's true sober fancy the show's over here's here's problems with it okay number one it's subjective can't have something subjective you can't have so the whole thing Tom dance better well I think our dance better can I have a bunch of morons vote for ya okay let me let me break

► 00:52:10

please let this finish up I'm going to write so what if what if what if what if the dance Pros got together that's what I was talking about professionals what judge well yeah there there are better than better they like me better you don't want that no let the judges what's those guys Sports they literally go to jail but so we have to upgrade no brightening the fucking bride all the pictures no nothing subjective we gotta grind dances now we gotta we gotta make it uncomfortable pot there make it super uncomfortable you want to make our company uncomfortable dance classes it's all right eleven borenstein dance dance classes hip-hop dance up there's something about the fitness challenges that are more exciting to me because you know guys you're dating Fitness all the time and wonder what that is I'll do something you guys don't do a fitness challenge you guys don't do yeah that I don't do rather right

► 00:53:10

okay that's you're trying to say that I don't do not ever do I'll ride bikes I don't give a fuck

► 00:53:17

I've spikes right bikes everywhere right Exorcist or accessible ride bikes do becomes in Europe ride a bike bitch if you go to your ride bikes and I mean Europe in October for a lot of those countries have you scheduled an Australian sort of cancel yet okay it's coming up I'm going out to mr. I know that we've been when you cancel when you cancel it I'll cancel close I've canceled before above or just once I think it was Dwight couple times it was nice to get sick yeah the only time has been lost re the only time he's been on Killian was opening for you or third UFC ticket we know when I went also another time I did the Melbourne Festival yeah yeah hey I'm in Auckland June 15th this kidney June 20th give it out dates oh that's alright that's alright I'll be in Columbus nothing I know there's a bunch of people who are doing we want we want to won't be able to vote well then no one's stealing this you're gonna have to earn this motherfucker so you say this you're thinking of hip-hop and this is mine

► 00:54:17

of this is my I like it yeah I like it I'm Gonna Keep it I'm gonna keep this this is mine the flaw he's saying is that there's not like a clear right that it's yeah you can't leave the hands of Judges get the fuck out of here that's rule number one for fighting never leave it in the hands of the judges okay it's not rule number one it's probably real number of yeah it's down there first is one kind of watch out watch out for like sweets don't eat like shit I would love to see those guys they want to just choose I can we leave this to the judges like dude worry about oh my God that's funny I was really behind your dance idea yeah dancing would be tough I do have a gym for you home is a place right near by me Jojo I think you're overestimating your dance skills hip hop dance not met Dan skills I'll learn them would it be amount of time in night out

► 00:55:17

my body better I learn them you know how to move your body better for sure you know we're gonna lose move my body better than you can move yours do you think we get Shakira just see that is for you to even say that crazy it is for you to say that my physical dexterity and your physical dexterity you're talking about Joe I dance all the time if I got through that challenge and you didn't prepare and you came in last like you did with this last one but we have not been told to put a sock in a fucking wall with a lock-in it like a bike lock and beat your ass cool punishment for this I'm cool with punishment that's a good idea Barrio punishment like a Full Metal Jacket real pleased embargo wrote code right you out with a bar of soap and a sock and hip-hop dance I think that even Matthew Modine got in on that number yeah I did that's right yeah actually felt bad about me I don't know if this is the real thing

► 00:56:18

so you don't know what's real thing I think you need a compass that you think enough same hip-hop dance sport they play in challenge it'll work if you like touch um yeah I can see us going through all these fucking things and bird the I was like what are you guys beat me I can't believe it like you motherfucker you're talking shit the whole month yeah talking shit the whole month and you came in last that's my game plan that's a good point of his next challenge no sandbags in fact that all fucking October he fell apart did I fell apart okay when are we started posting these giant he was on the bike for four hours like what oh fuck my head up takako bad fucking we start Advanced we start off like 200 points was a good day it was like it was like that scene in big when when love it's is telling what's the things like a so don't sit on someone's gonna make it look better yeah we're all doing we don't know crazy anybody was gonna take it we're not sure how much we hated each other

► 00:57:17

to the really drive us to not be well I don't know how you looked at it but I love you guys I love you guys all thought it was a fun competition she's probably what the fuck Ari stand by it is the most amount of points you ever put in a day my biggest Point day was we went you ran 13-mile one day yeah oh broken up no no just I mean like just everyone I'm going oh yeah I did in the hills and you know just kept a ran like to another city came back just yeah rent 13 fucking miles that was after he was sick for a week yeah that's almost dropped Isaac off he's done cool that's when we took the foot off the gas pedal turn for sandbagged us why did you take the foot off the gas pedal we should have waited till he was he trying to be for sure couldn't you Tom was like I'm sick I'm out it's always like toms and last summer to worry I'm not last oh is that what you were worried about yeah Charles like I was I was competing with Tom and I were neck and neck are he was a fucking cunt and would just post numbers in the middle of the night you'd go to sleep he didn't like two-thirds in oh he didn't start like that

► 00:58:17

I posted them online because I my gym Blink Fitness would allow me to work out 24 hours a day so I'd get off world is fucking I've got off the comedy club and I'd fucking go work out through yeah that would suck my head up man I'd wake up you wake up and your bloody messy play that you forgive me late spots it's not my fault it's all iced tea

► 00:58:38

It's Tricky right yeah exactly gameplay but here's what I owe you guys woke up like what yeah I'm not in first I'll give this a like this here's what I'm okay keep this I think you guys should do a dance-off anyway

► 00:58:55

well he does have that incredible physical dexterity they would need a way for judges this site but that's not about working out though right hip hop dancing no hip-hop dancing if you're going to get good you're going to be dancing every single day

► 00:59:11

Don that don't care that's all you I don't like doing it but that that my action was a good restaurant is is that so we felt about everything Joe Somebody show me a tweet I made recently I got a year ago I'm like how do we get from Burke can run a marathon to all going to go straight edge for a month what the fuck happens exactly what we got from Douglas fir can run a marathon he couldn't do it faster than your dad did yeah suddenly were all straight up Holocaust Survivor and then he was but he was also like I could run a marathon tomorrow yeah you did I technically did I did blow the doors off you guys you were really were amazing but I think the real test was that Tom was going to try to roller-skate a marathon bastard - right but that he didn't take an account going uphill or the fact that he has never roller-skated yeah but that's easy to learn kid flat for we like it's like fuck us what do you think would have happened on the roller skating part of it

► 01:00:09

after running that Marathon yeah we were crushed you thank you Polly let it be me it was a flat you know that America hold on LA Marathon was uphill downtown but once you got past the store you would have been hauling fucking ass down La Cienega yeah I would never call from the from Cellar to the no but he was working hard from you want to hurt ya couple rollerskating people reached out to me and they were like the hill like you know they said like your feet are gonna you're gonna be in rough fucking shit like that it would blow out his cat hold on thought that have been doing it for years and also like what does that the roller derby people they were like yeah you got to be careful just think about skiing for 5 hours if you had a great is that would be yeah but if you had a ski for five hours straight without going uplift Hills going to lift so yeah up the hills if you just skied all we only on your feet for five hours I bet you'd be hurting yeah oh yeah

► 01:01:09

anyway it's muscles are sore yeah you my feet are always hurting after a day of skiing like Jesus because you always like yeah for a treat yeah no would have been I would've been fucked up for sure you got fucked up did you see me crash Bert it no I yeah I did I did and then I pulled up and you were like aw I don't think it's broken Contessa surgery broken is it I'd put it put a pin in it like this bro Comcast I saw you yeah the big wealthy yeah it's down to this now Albedo up your pin in there like a metal pan he's broke off I have some sort of pin you know what's good about that give one more reason to fuck with the people at Esa you're gonna go fucking my vasectomy did that like how come some is going off to anything you're talking about sex means like anything you're talking like the SEC to me like what about belt my vasectomy and like what do you think it's I'm like I had my dick cut and you're fucking stupid thing that you're the head of this company decided we need to buy it points out that I got a vasectomy really how does it know you had a vasectomy because it's a little inconsistent like a hard thing in

► 01:02:09

peanut you want to feel it no get up it's your choice interesting so it's calcified you gotta get a rock that yeah Rock new dickhole yeah so now I'm a fucking terrorist threat damn so I want to ask you one thing about your challenge you say no we're not doing our he's no no I just wanted to ask you something then we shall suggested steps was but like that's proposed that yeah there's not enough of what that has to be a second part to that right for the month what do you mean like musical chairs yes there's nothing physical yeah good point yeah I mean like is there today we're just be it would that would we would need a second part because right that is just a mental problem yeah well with the word guys I'm telling you you're not going to do it I know how addicted you are you're never going to Greater this dancing adios it would make your lives you be happier and you wouldn't know why hmm no I've been off Twitter pretty much and it's I'm an exponentially opportunity Twitter just makes me sad and angry reading people fighting is not fun can I can I show you something sure yeah unlock your phone for me I won't do anything but just unlock it and hand it to me I swear I won't do anything bad

► 01:03:09

I have a good about her okay

► 01:03:12

Riders on the Storm do not be terrified with what I just gave you know what I'm gonna do no you look at the time usage screenwriter it's gonna be up there okay so just today I'm tour dates bro okay so today of your life you have a family you have two kids I have started morning radio at 5:00 in the morning until 11 hold that thought so while you're on morning radio you're not using it no I was using entirely to look up who I was talking to where I was at but while you're on there yeah you're not doing it okay what time is it right now it's 426 yeah three hours and nine minutes I'm sorry three hours 9 Minutes above average today yeah today was press I'm just depressed for the body shots World Tour sure last seven days starts in September Ends June to November 23rd there tell you I mentioned I'll be in Auckland you actually surprised me 30 minutes a day yeah I don't do not fuck with Instagram a lot is that on here yeah it's we have an hour and 18 minutes yeah I fuck with Instagram a lot that's it what do you do I did I that's it I don't don't touch

► 01:04:12

Twitter I kind of stay away from everything let's see yours no yeah how bad is it it's at today is not that bad lookup screen time for the week all right

► 01:04:22

are there totally days I'm totally off my phone you don't touch a lot over the court stuff and post it but I don't read comments and stuff that can fuck your head up Twitter can be aggressive sometimes it's what did it find out great used to be I'll do y'all remember that fun jokes

► 01:04:37

yeah I can't I could do it on my whole things about I only use stuff to promote tour dates that's it really so what it's like like all getting the power of social networking it says yeah and then Seven Days Seven Days Seven day okay hold on

► 01:04:53

hey let's get more cocktails I'm down there's I am pretty farmers are kicking in the wait how are we going to fucking switch him over to fucking hip hop dance slowly slowly it starts with me so long I have got her declare this is like a lot how much how much you at right now how would you say I was on a bus for the last seven days sure so that's a good definitely I'm saying you're not home not home we're Champion we're checking on our amount of usage on online on our phone Stephanie chittim and right now might have three minutes a day on a bus but this by the way this time could be spent reading a locker you're doing something but Gordon is a day no 30 minutes I think is pretty low

► 01:05:34

how was Tom's six hours and 34 minutes a day lastly on a bus I'm on a bus right okay but no but that is I get your board but there's a far better way to spend your time here right but you know what I was but you know what I've but your here's the but you have to kind of look at it like this to sitting on this bus with a fucking thousand movies you can choose from and I do this all the time where I roll through like I'm gonna watch a movie which is like a normal thing to kill an hour and a half two hours and I'm like none of these interest me I'm going to spend that time doing this right looking at emails looking at social media looking at YouTube videos it's if I'm saying that you can knock off easily the flowers yeah and there'd be two hours spent just mindlessly staring at something else or they wouldn't be having a record of free writing or thinking that's true or like but you're saying that none of that occurred we're learning hip hop dance no I'm saying that I will say this when you're bored and you're looking out a window on a tour bus eventually not the first

► 01:06:33

minutes but in the maybe putting 10 minute 30 a minute 40 your minds like fuck we're so bored and then you start writing bit ideas yeah it's push that's true and you're just not even thinking about those times because you're on there that's true it's a hundred percent true

► 01:06:49

wait so what's yours eight minutes I would have to get my iPad out you know what yours is you have to take it out soon Ari's is surprisingly High because he uses his up when he's not like your seven data I've no idea seven-day was 30 minutes yeah today was three hours and a half but 278 was 30 years old everage 30 minutes a day we're under seconds under the second phone use the search parties put screen time to make sense mathematically good job Tommy you're absolutely right that 335 is today would be all you have to only do that all day it's a brand new phone that's why the fuck is that possible two hours and six minutes that's that's too much well much obliged is all for today okay what is it

► 01:07:46

the fuck alone man but you do what you get the fucking here I love you a lot of the one guy that doesn't have an iPhone's walking you through your iPhone that's dangerous five hours and 30 minutes for and 51 minutes a day wow it's a lot for hours and 51 minutes of your day 5 of your 16 our waking day in Joe's defense not too but like he's got an interview new people all the time and I'm sure there's times he's like tell me about that guy dot dot dot okay okay a lot of that I keep hearing the in my defense in my defense but I've never in my offense where Mike that's too much here it is too much it is too much you do do some work on your phone but more more than that you fuck off I have every note transcribed in my phone all my notes from my writing laptops on my phone all my sets are on my shows your productivity on there yeah what using a timeline yeah it won't be you want to sound like it's gonna be four hours and 35 minutes of productivity in

► 01:08:43

it's a fucking off no no a lot of it is also watching stuff they want to have real fun began to love you have Safari and let's take a let's play a game where I can go hey tell me about dot dot dot what you Googled earlier fun fucking game I am I got my computer here give me your phone I got my computer I'll give me your phone time give me your phone no that's his income by a while

► 01:09:07

I have a computer here a lot of time when you look at it when you see a lot of tour hours a lot of waking time spent looking at a screen instead of your surroundings wow what is last things I Googled your driving part of that you can't you're not using it your fucking it's me and it's you and then it's just some porn hmm how much do they really like anal scenes you beating off every day no I just started again interesting take some time off yeah I took some time off I was having a hard time with it and now I'm now on his phone this is our he's fun yeah all right yeah all the ones the ones I got now are fucking whore of the problem is with that you can't do the same things on Instagram we can't post stuff from your fucking computer no I had to send it to my lady you can't post it for a mom an iPad yes you probably could no I can't but

► 01:10:06

I could jump out of my out of my account and avocado and password of account Larry has yeah it's smart yeah smart if it is not does not make for a great sober October challenge in my opinion just to watch people do nothing is not entertaining still get so she's saying that it would still get posted everything was like a Post-It know nobody which are good camera it legit like Digital Trends of this challenge is that people enjoy like following along with terms of what we're doing but that is not our normal thing Rogan clearly is the it's the working out so he doesn't have to change his life that much all you do is promote it would be the worst for you to not have what you're already doing is promoting Non-Stop

► 01:10:46

all he has is hip-hop dancing you knocked some over again yeah it's from purposely so then what combat at what being a father obviously so we've got it what if we switch kids how do you how do you handle this what it what do you do how do you handle those how do we do the door and say what I didn't hear you but everyone what are those pronouns you mean I mean I'm saying like I like the idea of some sort of social media challenge like staying off social media it's something that's the thing we're missing the second pole hundred percent you're dead on dead on with that but Burke can go fuck himself this hip hop dance and shit so Joe I do have a hip-hop dance place right near my apartment that I could go to all the time I told you I'm in Mandarin you're in an REO do you think social hip-hop dance would be a good one I think it I think let's put a pin in that I think for real okay put a pin in it without radio pet that would be a some level

► 01:11:45

that's what we'd have to get judgmental include 04701 nothing at all no judges judges can go fuck themselves we need you want real hard numbers okay then let's put in parameter can't have a bad decision that causes a riot amongst our fans I feel like I'm living if we unfailingly got the belt even if we don't do this there was something so real about how good you are you said you're a better mover then him that I would love to see I feel like part of the month you have to do something with that you know I mean I think the audience would love it it makes sense oh it's got to be here's the deal this let's just put parameters on we're sober tubers going to be taking place Tom is touring through Europe in a hole for part of it yet really yeah yeah yeah how many days 10 days that will cripple you you're gonna get sick to do what we get on a fitness I'm Cordelia it down forget about any fitness challenge son 10 days

► 01:12:45

Europe all that traveling with those weird European diseases yeah that's how they wiped out most of the American that your people yeah these you find there is what's kind of wiped out your people Graham Hancock says that at one point on the Amazon jungle had 20 million people and thriving civilizations beautiful cities and that the Europeans their dirty diseases yeah came over and wiped everybody out it's really thousands that's actually your parents 20 million people yeah your dad was one of those trunks and learn well you're wrong way from a virus true getting rid of his dirty bugs your mom was down washing her laundry next to a caiman alligator and yeah he came up at least in her pussy hey tell me this the creek in the caves the Legion of skanks are not doing yeah what the fuck they're doing not doing the show The Creek in the cave anymore first of all you guys coming to me on this is worse than angling being coming to you about the comedy store but never mind all that Milo I think it's directly related yeah I think that one wasn't that quick in the cave right but that's why

► 01:13:45

what happened no they were trying to do to the creek in the cave in the lady freaked out right she buckled Under Pressure that's not why they're moving they're already going to move it they're already going to move it there's newsstand was opening up they'll use this as an excuse maybe your people will say that's the reason so they were only going to move it which start from the beginning for someone who doesn't know you're talking yeah it was like they booked these are skanks you know who they are of course legit people who failed around and Louis right Louis yeah and Louis Gomez and Gomez and Dave Smith and they are hardcore guys except when they come on this podcast kind of plus out but like the hardcore guys for the most part and so they booked yeah they were they bitched out on the table I don't understand that but we just had a conversation yeah I know but they're very yeah that's fucking imagine jackass in the Heyday of Jackass and them all sitting here politely and not trying to fucking shave their heads in front of it's like come on dude obviously they need a second chance on this podcast I think that's not now I wouldn't give him what his expectations are when I come up and do something crazy think I came here I had a good time with you yeah

► 01:14:45

on nice car nice conversation the problem with Lea little is great no no you na plus and Milo said they cooked out so now our he's running with the narrative listen so they book Milo you're like oh we have this guy who's been fucking hot whatever and then and then everyone started going doing the thing with the attack the venue if you have that are the problem it's not enough that they can miss analyze the person or say I want nothing to do with that guy then if you put him up then your the issue a woman who gave birth to tons of fucking great LGB a and fucking black performers right she's an issue because she's not stopping a performance were happening and then soon it'll be like if you perform at that venue then you're an asshole right right now it's nonsense wait when he was with Adele happening yeah what's the AC for lesbian gay bisexual Alliance oh they have a lot more since I left college but that's what I was told

► 01:15:45

the problem is when you look at LGBT which is like the accepted use of those letters we didn't have when you add color and the end we were like oh a is now a sexual and fan tailored as a great joke where it's like they're included but because the reality is the asexuals hate the other ones like you're disgusting I don't care what sex you're having is Ronald lesbians are not really excited about transgender men or transgender women rather true there's there's that there's turfs you know trans exclusionary radical feminist know I don't know busy fucking living my life or not a fucking dominated or you try to dominate we try to dominate dude I didn't know you were trying down there wait can you fill me in more on this though so tell me about domicile with not leave dominating I'm gonna write that down but there was a big uproar a lot of comedians started trying to like show how they were woken up and they're like I don't think you should do it quipping were very publicly quit putting her back in this position telling the guys in Opelousas was going to be in here take it tell someone who's a fucking white knight virtue signaler when they don't go to you

► 01:16:45

saying hey Tom I'll call you on the phone don't do this but I get it I might not have your number so if I'm tweeting at you I'll just write at Tom Segura don't do this if I really want a virtual signal I'll go dot at Tom Segura hey at Tom Segura so it's not just me and your followers everybody anytime anybody sees if you're listening you see somebody not start with the act that is them virtue signaling on purpose I don't work ethics unless they're saying something positive they just wanted I'm sure oh yeah yeah absolutely that's your right good point like hey everybody come see Tom you know you don't want to say Steve supposed around for fear I love your new Netflix special yeah don't love the Jew our yeah it's kind of like it it's great it's great our everyone just thought I saw some of it I liked our isn't working so hard so hard your Jus buddy Milo he's gonna appear on the show yeah all these Comics all these people start saying I will never go to the creek again she put unbelievable pressure on her they common not seen club owner Jewish and he's also married to a gay man who's

► 01:17:45

laughs yeah who's black rushes his ass opens it up I gently so wait a minute what ends up happening so they go we're not going to have them all okay so they said we're doing this we're not talking they started going to war with these fucking virtuous signal or Comics okay and then at some point but Rebecca I talked to her a bunch of times this is not my thing I don't even want to do it and I'm Becca what you do is you stand by your comics and so you let them do whatever they want obviously I've been on the right me I've been on the wrong side of had venues cancel me yeah because of shit like this so I'm like you don't want to be involved then Milo's people said oh guys you put out the the time and date of where I'm going to be 80 I can't go anymore so they moved it so they moved it so did it and still did it somewhere else are we did it and then okay shout out to her for not caving then yeah it consider names the creek in the cave so that it did it go out oh yeah it's out now okay yeah and it's all pretty much all thing but the part with you and Milo

► 01:18:45

and it was it was pretty funny the next time somebody calls my low and not see and me and Nazi sympathizer they said it's my face boy maybe I'm just weird because I just saw my dad speak at the memorial but Mike if you're gonna tell me the people who took his father and say you need to say goodbye to your son and so you got to take care of the family down and watch the rest of your family fucking disappear and F is the same as that political analyst I'm gonna slap you you should slap yeah I should it's so it's so soft a rocket or even offensive in a way that I'm not okay with it so you can say that away from me but if you say it to me I'm gonna there's a lot of should bring Michelle banks that were saying that yeah there's not enough of those guys you're getting smacked guess what they think should not go nuts with the has always said there we could such a big change that delirious delirious what is completely ridiculous course it's insane it was crazy is a provocateur he fucks with people he pushes buttons and he does so in the age of the internet yeah he says I'm great troll

► 01:19:45

thing that they got him on which is where it all got really weird was essentially him saying that it should be okay what happened to him when he was molested that he was abused sexually molested by priests and this priest he you know he would joke around and say that he was the one who pursued the priest that he was trust me I was the Predator like that's that's how he said it's he's hilarious and that's what got him it was talking about that on my show and then talking about it on this other show wasn't it the Amazing Atheist show was right the point is that anybody who says like you shouldn't be allowed to put that person can't be heard anymore that's what you're saying but that's what it was but it was really just his harsh critiques of liberals and feminists that were so biting and then you know he actually did a podcast with Jordan Pederson recently we talked about the the the molestation I didn't see it but from Jordans explanation it's like he's

► 01:20:45

ding now as he's getting older that yeah he was a victim of this thing and he's making it less and less tactful yeah that he was giving this guy like like a pass that he did it to him almost yeah maybe the Creak of the cave is a great place for young comics in New York she's always like I hear nothing but great it's amazing fun I know it's like they bring together young comics and like given place to perform and no one's it's it's it it's it is with a comedy star was if you take away the sock like V the 12 plus your class how many seats is it 80 on top and 15 20 in the bottom Jesus as I walked in I walked in there's my impression of this place at one time yeah I walked in with chains only skank Fest yeah and I walked past re throwing piss on somebody oh nice yeah and I walked downstairs to a room full of people with their shirts off chanting a do you remember that Ari

► 01:21:45

did you check the Tupperware there yet I was at that is yeah that's we open in the Tupperware 870 cash it in a tupperware and then opened it up in the room there's boxes things person Michael Che was outside I need to Iran he smelled it from the down the street I'm starting to gag just and these guys were offended by Milo that like what are you guys longer but it wasn't much that I just shit into it so whatever happened happened it was a pile a bit oh my gosh I'm not sure exactly sometimes when you shit it smells awful and you realize you've shit so much it's broken water it's rising like yeah my broken water yeah he out of the fucking toilet bowl you know it's like the Kona Coast you know you smell like why is it smell so bad human material human shit so bad my dog shit doesn't smell nearly as bad luck not even nearly as bad as people like that yeah people exact guys it's

► 01:22:45

smells like hate crimes yeah but shit dog shit once it gets in between your toes smells worse believe that dogs aren't drinking that's what it is I'm not drinking whiskey yeah eating Subway I thought you were gonna do anything on dog hydration good guys on a dog has a new product we have a problem with dogs is the amount of water and their shit dehydrate your dog will be nearly as bad nothing's better human shit image is so nasty man you know you what you walking like in a city and you suck shit and then say it's if you just smell it for yourself is good you smell it that's like a fucking 90% chance oh for sure oh dude that's what told me in Hong Kong they like listen if you see hold on not every mainlander from mainland China shits in malls but if you see shit in a mall that's a mainlander yeah really like yeah they're disgusting they just shit in the mall yeah there

► 01:23:45

shit Mainland Chinese people to shit in the mall like hold on I'm in the bathroom so the ground degrasso case you walk through the mall and see human shit on her uh-huh yeah there they don't know how to be Chinese tourists start underrated worst parents in the world why Chinese tourists are the worst tourists when they're when they're saying that Trump we're gonna hold out towards him back all the fucking Travelers like please keep their so they just some folks who live in rural China is aligned to the children the children you've been there yeah what have these shorts he's white shorts with a cut down the middle so when you open stand up the comes together when you squat so you don't have to fucking lift your shorts out it comes out and then just shit away shit where they're walking ten year olds just his shorts

► 01:24:33

how do I get those pants for Sunday's what is this why kids keep crapping in public and tried uncultured you can find anything online these days that's true that's very this whitening kit Burt with the fucking Common Sense dude I'm getting treated like fucking Richard Pryor Chinese replaced Americans is the worst tourists in the world we never were says they're obnoxious oh my God this is a terrible article yeah although although have you ever been a shit in public apparently oh my God this is on Vice yep UK Vice UK Vice how dare you feed our friends but that we're reading this folks if you hear those words I have not said that yeah I'm reading something off of a other the title for the records people back if you record a small age if you're lips

► 01:25:33

it's already dead say everything I did feel that my Chinese Georgia by far the worst doors next is our know what to say this is real and Russians tied why Israelis okay I'm bad I'm bad I'm missing Australians the bogans first garbage before period now yeah fuck it inflicted them into the world like go learn on their Turf wow bogans are awful why is it is get your I don't know the Army and I think they could fucking go nuts yeah I don't know but people don't like Israeli tourists really yeah they got a reputation about them and didn't know that yeah Americans are way down the line no Americans are not celebrated in a lot of parts where you travel to men we are celebrating a lot of play with the only ones who tip consistently hardcore people like our money yep and the ones who travel or not the fucking fat rednecks I guess that's true then gone and gone to the world but sometimes they are and that's the that's sure sometimes there's a lot of Merit missing is plenty of obnoxious yeah it's traveling yeah yeah definitely but

► 01:26:33

not in this top 5 really interesting I would have well I would have assumed we normally shitting at the mall actually on the ground out it's a big Dolores is insanity dude like for you to think that people are gonna be like oh yeah you just got to take a shit what is the right here to like I've been worse I gotta piss in public at other things like block me make block me you know what I'm just gonna shit real quick it's like we're in the woods and I got to piss there's no like a bear's that level that's how they feel sometimes you feel dude they don't even worry about who cleans it up is there anything about it let's see here do they lie - no lightning imagine if everybody did that if everywhere you look to him but yet Jesus ever way you walking so if you were to confront somebody like right after the fuck did you just do they be like a taco do you think that the weight they would confront you would like what you just got in your car like what I don't get it yeah do you think that it's where they're living is so overrun with people that they just shit

► 01:27:33

he wearing they don't think that anybody has an environment well now you're asking me to pick a partner I will not why but this is all my interpretation and yeah I think they have no expectation of privacy because they're so fucking on top of each other their homes extremely clean take off your shoes before you come inside really the homes are fuck is this thing like Margaret I'm not but I'm saying maybe but there's in on the mainland you know China has over a billion people so you have a lot of like really poor uneducated rural parts and like saying that somebody in that area does this I'd be like yeah are you saying that like even somebody that lives in Beijing or sorry Shanghai who has a job for Wall Street no they don't no they don't so that's what it's like not all mainlanders we shouldn't malls right but if you see shit in them all it's amazing mainly and let's be clear when they say kids what age group is it high school kids are trying to fuck or is it like that is just shit on where I wasn't in China I was in Hong Kong Singapore

► 01:28:33

or Macau so now the michalak what's funny is when you're in Macau which is obviously big Casino kind of tourist destination all the people there they eyeball immediately who they'll tell you who's like a Mainland Chinese person you know because they can help out well that's a different type of thing where if there's if somebody's like do you see dudes in Macau in like Versace shades and like a Fendi and Gucci I like I mean Thomas outfits crazy outfits you like goddamn what's up with that dude and they'll be like that's just a Mainland dude who knew money he just got rich wow it's all over Macau and we just know and then you see that the the the the understated person to like that's a Hong Kong guy that's old money yeah right was like England almost yeah yeah like yeah like you know like England they got those guys that are like like like like that like Oasis or like tracksuits and why this yeah and then you got the old Posh money is like yeah alright alright there's no salt yeah we could do that

► 01:29:33

since accent challenge don't fucking fat Florida hey what's up guys sir I got two names and Auckland without saying the words okay okay okay we go Russia don't say the word is just make the noises they make don't have done this is my words speaking Sasquatch footage no one of the dumbest things that Duncan and I did when we're doing this story no no we went and studied Bigfoot one of the dumbest things like argued the show with me and one of the things that we did when we study Bigfoot was talk to a Bigfoot expert though

► 01:30:33

plan us some audio and some of the audio it sounds like a samurai it sounds like what do you mean the guy was claiming that this was like a secret recording of Bigfoot really oh Mike you can ride it was the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life anything by the way in your conspiracy theories yeah and like what you challenge was there anything that you ended up going oh like oh good question not dumb yes really fun gram or geralyn's disease or shame or Jones disease is a disease where people is that more challenges I was called but you're saying you didn't meet people for yeah I thought it was bullshit before because I'd read that it was bullshit and what I read was that the people would think that they had things growing out of their skin so they be scratching themselves and they would add fibers to their skin and take pictures of it and say look I've got things growing out of my skin and that it was a hoax but then it talking to a doctor who had more Jones who explained to me that there's some sort of neurotoxic effect of Lyme

► 01:31:33

he's and that everyone who has more Jones also has lyme disease and he was a legitimate doctor in a very smart guy he was essentially saying that mainstream science in its rush to proves going to piss in that just cut straight to his dick anyway what was I saying Magellan the jobs is that that is a real disease that there's more geling's disease is what it is is Lyme disease the there's a bunch of pathogens the come with Lyme disease you know it's not just the Lyme disease it's not like a pure want you know like a 1 or a 0 you have or you don't it's a dirty tick that has a bunch of fucking horrible diseases inside of its nasty little body would you know if you had Lyme disease yes you get a bull's-eye like like looking

► 01:32:33

red mark around the area and the area hurts and then you start experiencing terrible symptoms like flu-like symptoms and okay you got to have read well bring up the re supposed to catch it quick oh wait this kind of your teeth and he's like he couldn't like go back and forth was like what the fuck my friends kid got Bell's Palsy where his face went don't get me started on my God teacher that that had Bell's Palsy in high school and they kept him out and then he came back and he was okay no but he came back while he still had the face Paralysis on wall like looking at this dude we had a student a year older than me are Bell's palsy and we mock them relentlessly like we should have pro pro pro funeral yes it on stage no way on stage and his face started going on him and he had to hold his cheek over to finish his jokes we called his brother-in-law you guys I think I'm having a stroke I'm about to get on a plane with him to stroke the next morning his face was numb and drooped in his brother-in-law goes go to

► 01:33:33

fucking doctor right now he means you're having a soiree our stroke it was Bell's palsy and so what do they do about that he's a nothing fucking nothing you just wait right here lift at it dude I get I wake up gift that it IDF tattoo I think it's a virus you'd be good at it do you think about Bell's Palsy every fucking morning why

► 01:34:00

morning 5:00 every morning don't you think of that it's my ritual every morning like away God from left I thought he was doing a strong impression he said Stallone has built palsy to does he he got it when he was young and it sometimes it doesn't go away whoa and so he wrote so we're at about three moths does it affect his spelling or Mmm Yeah I don't know well if you know how to spell it doesn't help you well the basically that's he looks better now I saw hung out with him this weekend but so is he back on stage he's back on stage at least he spent like three weeks in his sister's basement just being like it's never going to come back my career is over I can't go on stage like they tried to do a show and he said everyone just staring at him like this like oh so what do they do to fix it nothing you just wait you just wait till it starts coming back yeah I think you said reboot was like right your face really gotta get kayode wait so why do you think about this

► 01:34:58

good morning dude uh yeah especially when I'm getting ready for a special I think like what if I got Bells with joke that way to Taylor morning the morning of my special that secret time I woke up and I smiled knowing I beat Bell's Palsy that's the first thought I had

► 01:35:17

Christ I am I involved in this conversation I can't believe I'm involved in this conversation we forego palsy you know what else I forget I think of alopecia this here following its are everyone gets out every there was a had it when I was little every comic at the store had it burn had it I met a medhat it everyone got it at one point I was just was like don't keep all the hair cut uh just in a circle Norman had it we would pack Comics getting yeah yeah yeah yeah I think about alopecia to hide so when I must hasten had it member that's why I thought so yeah Mike Tyson and like a weird Circle and in his head for a while I didn't it yeah wait you said you were going to dominate earlier what you know just stir like to dominate give you the context again I know I'm but it's not gonna get any like dominating or see that dominated life what's happening life yeah across heart that's you have time to dominate as you don't you know on your phone that's what it was yeah oh yeah yeah yeah I can masturbate multiple times a day

► 01:36:17

sort of just one sec you guys like it up there with a lady though right that's it yeah do-do-do-do we should honestly guys it might not be this year about the fuck it your marriage immediate action stuff your wedding is next kid you're gonna take that what are you rocking take a shit tape backup haha I gonna be like I made you this fucking Iraq okay so maybe I'm ready to shoot some hot ones into you I love you so much I got my dick fixed that's really not my type yeah we connect yeah they pulled a straw out of one of those sea turtles noses and they used it to fix my dick you know that's Drive video the sea turtles knows no the most horrific video it's a reason why they don't have plastic product if you like why the fuck do we have plastic cups two lids how do we have plaque you're gonna show up no don't look I don't we have plastic straws the reason why is because there's a fucking video of a turtle and they have a clamp I don't know if this is the main reason but it is

► 01:37:17

a lot of people the clamp this straw in this Turtles mouth and they eventually pulled it in his Turtles nose rather it was deep in his nose yes you can she's like one of those so see that's a that's a struggle to tell you that got stuck it is sea turtle - harder it is so much harder to watch things happen to animals and to people how do we not know this wasn't a night of cocaine gone wrong look at that poor Turtle so he inhaled he's this is yeah good one fuck so they realized that the straw was stuck and apparently this is not in leading it's this isn't is not an unusual thing so they have to put a wait what do they do tweezer got get a real tweezer guy in there and he's scared and he's got he's got a little hands to it's got little fucking tie hands will bitch ass hands grab it and pull those out thing say even Turtle the fucking thing else about this person's hands they report Turtles going no look at it how it is and rain boots like Jim Norton wake him Norton's going no don't do it he's got a pocketknife

► 01:38:17

that's always got do is just get it out I would bite it with my face and I would pull it out with my neck because you're a warrior someone hold his fucking hair about the animals I care about the animals I'm a warrior for sea creatures there we go this is gotta get it it's got to get the fuck out he's got a leather man or that it is like no this guy's horrible take horrible can never play Operation with this girl it takes time but it's worth it at the end oh he's trying to bite the shit he's like what are you guys doing to me is finds better before leave me alone he's bleeding out of his fucking nose how did they get the featured woman boats another Citizen First Place guys stop being a bitch grab that goddamn nope no lost it eventually gets it eventually gets us where to go show me so I'm getting it they're still holds barred okay the videos almost done so this is it hard - oh my God they're going to take that out and they get a stick it in our he's dickhole to fix his broken pipe ha ha ha ha

► 01:39:17

over here that Turtle but that's what they should do they should recycle it you've got to open up your dick pipe through the flu shot so this is what they did they take that rock out that calcified dick rock yeah make a nice ring a little lady but that is really amazing that would be romantic you did a pipe with the actual tube that they pulled out of that Turtles knows there's a diamonds in there to you know fix your dead pipes aren't letting it ring it out yeah why not what if we each raise a direwolf like something like someone's drunk oh my God it's funny can't leave my car here yeah for sure do you have a car you're fired if you want have a car here do we gotta we gotta get your car straight what put we're gonna put like all those jokes on the side of your car yeah like do you like do you like to laugh Ah that's right yeah we can do that yeah we're gonna just don't have a car so it's tough but it runs on car I would be intergranular before Veil that number yeah quarter thank you whatever happens to it happens to it yeah we'll put a so

► 01:40:17

October wrap on that bitch yes I said we all wrap our goes insert cards and sober October dude you're already have extra wrap it can't be you're already the real yeah I rap I already wrapping but I'd rather brush I just bought like Japan wraps of my face it's so much fun hmm I put my face on everything the bus champ I don't even tell you are You The Boss champers Hazard I'm the tour bus champ now you're not what are you doing art is that Lyme's disease what is that that's a grows to without fuck is wrong with you so it's Rose whatever it is that you got poison hey oh you know what I bet would help you I bet some CBD oil rubs with CBD oil not one of my doctors how'd you get poison ivy on your camping trip with Bobby yeah oh did put that down yeah that's what everybody was a chief you can't catch him I was like no catchy catchy you sure why are you coughing man yeah

► 01:41:17

try to spread themselves like yeah yeah you try to go get Alex Haley I did a meet and greet in Spokane and when I'm doing it in the guy next to me the guy next guy ripped his shirt off puts his arm around me and he is coughing burning on fire and I go whoa bro you are hot and he's like yeah I got a pretty bad fever I go really he's like yeah man there is think you're gonna get it to that is the perfect bird fan that I wasn't gonna get this giant fan but I'm taking my shirt off you're taking years off to and then he'd probably like hey do you mind if we kiss bird be like that's one of the things you never the other night we were talking I was drunk I was talking about how it my inner dialogue is you think I'm weak oh yeah yeah so one of the ones is when guys go hey Matt like it's always like a big Italian Guys picture you kissing me on the cheek kiss mother fucking cheek and I always go now man because it might hear my brain do you think I'm fucking week I got pork to kiss me on the cheek kiss me suck my dick I'm gonna look you fuck

► 01:42:16

nipple nipples yeah you run into a lot of weird people out there who do with Bell's Palsy for an our father would be great what is she got Botox in your face for a month because that does work it's a good challenge I'm up at that child and raise awareness awareness for both lady who shot too much and it like affected her eyelid whoa yeah yeah be careful you get to the wrong doctor and I like a one more shot a little more and yeah during the me to know that some women just to make sure I'm a Bell's Palsy imagine if your nose is running even know what the conflict is all numb oh my god dude I just might doing shitty wrinkly I'm trying to know I wouldn't mind a tiny face tattoo yeah this is what we do we're going to all get BOTOX so we can't move our face to do your act you have to do your act like Joan Rivers and like with a frozen expression dude there's a show I really start doing shit with our voices that's the only engineer you'll have you like

► 01:43:17

at all you can't raise your eyebrows at all there's a show Rivers had bits about it really oh yeah she's about much but everyone knew about apposite surgery she couldn't hide it it's like she was it was like a mask she look like a surprise catfish that's it what's the name is Joe said that who's the lawyer the married earlier Greg Giraldo masculine lawyer affects the best way told us he told Flavor Flav you look like a skeleton with duct tape wrapped around it I don't know I forgot what everybody we are challenge it's a challenge it would be another hour we've another out some fun of when you start getting to move down you're like oh what a moment so wait what do you like it should be run something that we can do on the road because you're already on the road barefoot running I'm telling you this it might not be this year and it might not be next year but eventually you guys will come into my idea of metal I've mental health I like you

► 01:44:16

what Joe is saying and I don't think this is a bad idea I'm saying just saying this obviously there's a conversation I don't know if you want to show this but he was saying we're backstage and he was like it's not bad to do another one of these halfway in so if you want to do another one I like do like am a so brought something with me and listening absolutely should do that if on your own terms I'm cool with anything we decide I just think it should be hip-hop dancing and we should do it twice a year okay just wait wait wait wait one other thing shoot you are saying earlier how your body moves so I want to know like are you flexible are you super flexible very yeah showing really complex boy like please do this we touch your hands behind course not a behind yourself let's see can you can you do split split show us on the table right now

► 01:45:17

yes I guess he can do a split he only buys genes that have Lycra in all right so he's so it can let me show me how to do a split first and I'll show you if I can do a split listen I don't want to get it a muscle pull so I'll go down as far as I can go with the exact same here same here yeah you do the same

► 01:45:33

what are you guys just save time and touch dicks now alright

► 01:45:40

okay there we go fuck yeah dick is about that far off the ground and I think if he didn't have the the I think if you did have jeans on the okay the gravity would take his dick all the way to okay all right all right that's legit yeah Burt yeah and you owe me to go that far I want to go with ya further if you can so now wait a minute pocket yeah for so now if I was at the end of yoga I could definitely hit it you want me to go all the way down like you do yes yeah okay ready Bert yes okay those pants are not even designed for that don't hurt yourself I got to tell you that was really close a lot further exact conversation we had all month last October we got a knee down it's pretty good fuck are you saying too bad look here's the deal what's the deal I'm not going into sober October half-ass I'm definitely charging every one of you motherfuckers just like I did last year

► 01:46:40

you can't follow up one of the shittiest all-time specials of all time with something even shittier yeah yeah Borgata like what do you say something better we don't saying no no whatever we decide to do I'm still going full-tilt said you did that last year no not till know last year I called you a bitch he's awful and he's gonna come back strong but he was saying he's going to come after us like he did last year I think no no no it's okay I go saying I'm gonna talk show not gonna not talk shit this year interesting okay right thank you know it can't work anymore right I know but that's why when I do it now so fat if Mickey Mantle not that make his brother I ran an elementary literally literal Mickey Mantle is that yeah example that I have the Mickey Mantle Gene University does that mean they're my dad spoke at the memorial and I so badly Mickey Mantle yeah I wanted to

► 01:47:40

of all the people who died of disease and stuff like that a lot of people and I wanted to yell out they didn't have the Mickey Mantle geez oh my God I did a I did a date I don't know recently and there was with of the promoters that you work with now and so you work with like one promoter he's in row yeah but you work with the promoter yeah we all do okay keep going so I was not gonna bother want your Motors what he's trying to say yeah the Mickey Mouse so Mickey Mouse like a single guy we got again we're hanging out with your girlfriends okay he's got he's got he's got this one guy sounds like he can get a call I guess I'm your promoter Bert oh yeah hurt yes I know you work with hey guys want to tell you I heard Tom talking about the promoters and it may be proud that I'm your promote

► 01:48:40

they know they fucking think I know that there's someone else someone else you would I mean you wouldn't be that hurtful that you would be referring to someone else's your promoter I saw you talking about me I don't want to be presumptuous fucking sweating right now I don't want to be presumptuous 28 they brought up the Gene and they're like I've Done big I've done a bunch of dates with him and I try to hang out no one can keep up days they're like I can't do it man booze yeah they're like I can't very few people can keep up with my Pace on the road Marc Maron I remark Moore Norman why with those worried about every brother if I can come up and don't try to you have enormous ring hello you broke up three days at 90 try I don't know it's just it's just I don't even notice party to follow no I'm saying why did he try no I why would he try to Brooke you move rookie move I said you got your pace just be with hundred percent it's a guy's name the promoter

► 01:49:41

fucking hell alright so one thing I think we all agree that the surfing challenge was to crazy right it was dumb that's perfect that's perfect idea well it's surfing Pilots I was thinking it might be a fun idea that like doughnuts all time on a board no none of us not to find out but here's the thing it's like I don't live anywhere near a fucking you're gonna be in the time and got of Europe This shooter you live near New York and you live near a live Long Beach but you're going to be on the road we're all fucking whatever we're two people he really dance York this sir dancing's really dance I don't know if I can somewhere there think about you walk on stage yeah the lights combine you right now the light comes down right the music starts and you start boom boom boom and then peeling no shit and then the the beat breaks and you go into something else you do you learn how to flip in this month now you've already bought one minute capital

► 01:50:40

five minutes left to give interesting 25 Kappa Terre to uh you know there's to your in you bang out a split

► 01:50:50

guys are high there's no way they're gonna spill do splits in dude I'm gonna be done I was young I really didn't think you could do a split that's fucking what I said no I didn't I will cause that's what I do so just let fuck yeah you really think you could do a split though not I didn't know I mean it go to split a grown up doing a split stuff yeah you got pretty not that close to you it was good do you think anyone's just pictures of me doing the split yeah multiple ones who's posting you can you sit crisscross applesauce in your legs all heart yes look at his toes straighten their by the way look at his fucking spasming till the one big toes way away all years have that's recently yeah that's not what I'm doing I'm pulling my feet up so that I can push down with my hips are going to wha show you as my audio and the other toes they yeah zoom in a quadrant for doing this I'm spreading if I spread my feet out like that and more when I'm quadrant

► 01:51:50

in my toes up instead of pointing them down that could be you at doing that so I can lean in with my crotch so you stretch the abductor adductor muscle guys guys gymnastics

► 01:52:02

hmm good luck this guy breaks his hip every time he fucking gets out of the shower yeah I wouldn't want to try how's the Israeli gymnastics team can't do gymnastics he won't be able to do anything with that hand for like a year they say I can squeeze a ball at about 19 months yeah are you serious I don't know Hey where's your brake where's the brake is okay so on this side it's the bone here chipped off and just Free Fallin uh-huh it's Tom Petty there the other one on here they have a push in break that they're only only see in like young children hmm I told him I a lot of gummy related products and goes that might be that could for sure that be part of it so two different breaks and this is from a fall there's a prettier is a pretty nifty phone one children and then young children they have unformed the bone are just developing it's like a it's like a pressure wave bones don't form right possible my daughter are breaking 13 months really yes our fold yeah hmm sorry we already was hauling gymnastics Hall okay gymnastics is Outlook

► 01:53:02

challenge let's limit their we broke his arm yeah ski challenge fucking shredding shit in front of him shutting all would be the challenge if we have ski challenge we couldn't do it in October I guess it was how much you guys could eat my dust and black diamonds you go down below time yeah you like a legit skier no I'll give you this for you re skin re is already in the wood is fearless and he can go down anything but it looks disgusting it's like it's like watching your parents fuck it is like he snowplows the entire time just like pizza pie like this really but he hauls fucking ass U-Haul a snowplow like 60 miles an hour that's why you're always breaking things yeah in the last couple years you broke an ankle your notes again yeah what do you need this the last note it said to dominate yeah thanks yeah see broken what have you broken an ankle and a broken ankle

► 01:54:02

wrist toe chasing the dog that didn't count it's something I poison ivy it like this yeah who's a sixth hour like a badass skier Kosta know that promoted Burt worked with oh my God oh my God we have to we have to figure what out man I really think that the direction I'm going in with hip-hop dances the right direction Isles because it Joe it puts you at our playing field but as you're playing yeah hit play Dance exploding this no one's playing field I don't like that it's something someone's already done that's why even if I did this I would have to go further I where's the only thing I don't like about the hip-hop dance challenge know I like that one yeah we play that again the running one yeah I feel like we already we already know how it's gonna go we know it's going to go dominant you're going to talk shit

► 01:55:02

idiot father because we would just track miles is that when we do right yes we get the rock over there right now girl I know it's gonna go yeah so that's the way down how do you guys think it's gonna go there's no thinking

► 01:55:14

we already know how it's gonna go thank you nope psycho over here would fucking do kid log that they were 2100 more of those everyone's gonna die yeah and then he weighs a fucking Buck 35 so halfway through the month he'd be like you know I can actually do 10 out of fucking shop now and then you'd break down and there are would get mad at me for doing steroids he brought me up at the comedy store so I was the Lance Armstrong of Comedy we would be

► 01:55:53

well there was so wrecked over contest because he was on steroids that was your introduction is that what you said to me room does this comic so funny you want to he recently want to fitness challenge by on steroids with his friends please he beat me to finish blood test I remember being with Ari when he realized you were using steroids in the car and he goes not steroids testosterone replacement therapy yeah okay regular on top of that if I actually use steroids it would be even more Ridiculous by the way what do you fucking chick shrinking over here well thank you for an archery challenge now hear me out oh my God

► 01:56:37

we could at least amount of time spent with your kids RIT wins I probably beat him he's asleep with your kids

► 01:56:49

okay honestly out for real for real no joke I really don't mind the phone thing I'm stuffing not catching on I don't mind the fitness hip-hop challenge it would be a good weight loss thing just same as yoga was like a ridiculous once there is a fear thinking about doing it to get you actually want to lose weight huh lose weight my skin and it's probably a lot of because the booze to and whatever else I do but like my skin looked good I looked good I look good I didn't hate the yoga yesterday for you I'll tell you that another component you mentioned earlier there was I did this for like a maybe 12 days stretch at the end of the weight loss challenge nothing but water and that makes you feel fucking amazing after a border me because I was I just wasn't we were doing the weight loss bottle battle and I just didn't drink anything but water for like almost two weeks and like everything changes the way you look the way you feel only drank water trick terrible thing yeah we dragging him right now

► 01:57:49

should see I want to I was making a joke about my my right arm just put shit in my body that I don't want it to do he's got a mind of his own he's just like oh what the fuck you doing asshole drinking yeah Diet Coke orange juice anything but water right most people yeah I mean you're all you're using for me I mean I can get by on a lot of combination of coffee and water yeah I don't have any water be fine yeah I don't I mean I still will have some other things but I don't do it a lot just call me when you're just do water though we just drink water you definitely after you get over the what's it called like the you know withdrawal whatever the other thing is you definitely feel good I want a day without caffeine by the end of the day I had a headache I'll get I get under that I have a headache yeah I think I get a real headache draw symptoms yeah that's exactly what it is I'm telling you not this year next year whatever when you do get off your phones you're going to have those same withdrawal symptoms no you're right you're right for sure I got back on my phone

► 01:58:49

was on the tour bus off my phone we were texting on some bullshit and then I was like I'm not on Twitter and I got on Twitter and it just went like it it became my life right again like it just I like dipping I cannot dip tobacco why because if I do you're right back right back in yeah I'll dip for a long time oh yeah oh yeah I miss it so much well yes Florida will do to you why do people were doing after you dippings worse for you than one of his way definitely not good for you and the other not good for you it's not because I love that fucking burn right here the burn is all we can let people know on you ain't thinking that good it's a nice little signal so flag you if you got a big fat and fat lip but dip you're letting people know you're making it rain let people know you're strong you're ready for anything Zack Allan Galifianakis used to go onstage The Improv of the dip in his mouth didn't realize Carolina really I swear to God he going with a big difference on just spit did you tell the people that he had didn't give a fuck

► 01:59:50

it was so much fucking fun yeah he was a great kind of man I miss him as a copy is hilarious how did you see him a Brody's oh my god oh he brought out a party boat he's gone but he passed yeah

► 02:00:06

oops I got Zach and he was exactly talking yes yeah he'll Larry end up his go ahead no his I mean his stand-up was it was amazing I used to love watching them super tight with Brody yeah and what about this here Jack my wife my wife doesn't think anything's funny Zach Galifianakis had a joke that I to this day I think is just a great joke you know it's time to get Lon you know it's time to do laundry when you get out of the shower and dry off with a shoe dude fucking just great that's all yeah well I'll never forget what he was like doing crowd works like what's your name Joe go and it's like what what's your name Bert fuck you

► 02:00:52

he was funny it was everybody ceremony not as funny Jeff - Jeff Ross Jeff Ross oh my God Jeff well Jeff's but but well Zacks was like touching and sweet and funny and it was like everything you'd want a Tamil Ross just came up there and just everybody was so kind of you know sad intense and emotional he opened his opening joke was so Savage and hilarious Brody's Brody's all Brody's high school friends had gone up like seven of them and then also and then friends from baseball yeah like telling all these like so there was you know you see Zach and then like three of these friends and then another comic and then like three of these friends and then Jeff just went up and he goes you know after hearing so many of Brody's high school friends come up and speak about them I know why he killed himself and the fucking room the place of just his body was in the room we had to wait like 30 seconds talk because everybody just fucking it was it was right

► 02:01:53

that's that's the that's what really comedy is best at definitely and will he Jeff is he's so good at So Far So Far right that to yeah that's his world all busting my God world the best he's the best at it yeah fuck so no hip-hop dancing boys I don't know dude I honestly that's what you're going to see Joe is you're going to see an onslaught of people online going Joe hip-hop dancing is not a bad idea this is where you and I differ I'm not going to see shit that's why I'm so happy go ahead hey somebody give them something positive lock him let me see Pop and lock the door do it like vanilla ice skater hey take my kid much about a lot with you so it should be something that none of us are happy with no I'm not happy with this show because I think I think that the fun thing about sharper October

► 02:02:52

when we first did it was that we were all miserable together Joe wasn't so miserable but like we me you and Tom would all just commiserate that was fun well I didn't like being sober was weird and I didn't like the weird dreams that I was having when I was going through TF T HC withdrawals when my REM sleep was kicking in that's what I realized that t the TAC definitely suppresses REM sleep definitely you think it does hundred percent proven it's proven it does it does something weird your sleep and math dr. Matthew Walker's a sleep doctor its best way to describe my So I listened to that podcast crazy podcast but you know he just he talked about it the mechanism like what what THC does it helps people go to sleep but there's certain parts of the sleep that you're not getting food I'd love to now there's not there's an argument that it either that not getting it the not getting enough sleep is okay that you're getting plenty of sleep because you're the reason why th see puts you in that drink

► 02:03:51

covering you get there's an argument that somebody made online that I don't know if it's correct someone wrote an article about it that that that is okay to not get that it's good point whatever kind of sleep that came from the THC let's see you can sleep the most in October I think love that idea love that idea most hours sleep and take Ambien oh no no do you take anything to go to sleep no I'll take a Xanax every now and then my cardiologist told me never to take them so I mean I'll get a prescription for 30 for a year and I won't use them he tells you never take them so you take no no he gave me a prescription for 30 but you didn't use your brain oh my god do you know what's so funny is they do melt your brain you can tell so if you take one the next two days you know when your I remember morning radio like old-school morning radio when you go in you have to be on on to go to the next subject and slide your joke in and you remember like leaving going God damn it I'm sharp take a Xanax and that doesn't happen for two days you can't jump in and conversation like that

► 02:04:52

so I won't fall I noticed ticks I was taking them and I just stopped and I was like oh I'm a lot sharper just fucking nothing so like if you would go on stage and have to ad-lib something so just wouldn't have it in you first time I ever took one I got on a plane thinking that because I used to have a drink on the plane to start writing jokes I took a Xanax again all these are going to flow out of me and I just sat there staring at the paper going like my brains turned off all the fucking scary thoughts are gone fuck taking what so they can actually it's a great one can't believe I have to pee again for real yeah I do too many podcasts in a row well do two in a row I drank like 18 bottles of water I'm in love with Lance Armstrong's fucking coffee Laird Hamilton's car Hamilton's coffee's on this is turmeric turmeric and what else is it I didn't know what an r in there until like a week homework yeah it's always sounds like tumeric that's why I thought it was turmeric I thought I was too

► 02:05:51

Maritza come by in the morning over coffee and take off is that cool yeah anytime oh good let's put parameters on them there's so many times I want to come over here and just do bench press some over anytime you want were around here yes Joe says that and then every once in a while some will take advantage of like whatever comes to you see whatever you want it's something like can I get every single one this year like fuck but that's abuse me yapping people who abuse things like I've had people to say hey man I want to come to the UFC oh yeah sure can I get eight tickets like what hey that's for eight fucking tickets really enjoy now fight coming I wish there was a gym membership here well you let me know let me know I know but you know what I'm just kind of like a podcast like the guys the security guys they work out just go work out see them on there it's like fuck it it's like watching alien here where you like where are they in the ship like see them everywhere and it's so cool here man Chuckles rad dude I want to I want Kris this for myself

► 02:06:51

of you can I help you I'm talking to my promoter about it yeah that guy what's his name again Roger Roger yeah he's great guy that's not his name you know what this place is missing a gun range oh yeah yeah I'm going to go to one like one of them gun ranges were the fucking we're gonna go deeper comes out yeah we do there's a place here that does is it called tag no no place it does what's it called it does training Technical Training yeah veggie Watts you're going Reggie Reggie not going yeah and Simi Valley you guys want to come yeah that might be the place oh yeah just talk to somebody with no training that might be any yeah but that's it yeah Reggie and I are going to do it and then we're going to do a podcast afterwards so that he might want to do a registrar Montana you know oh so he's like

► 02:07:51

yells God can I tell you something have you ever seen him perform live it's crazy his music just perform yeah just like I'll never seen him never seem to show crazy you will feel like what you do is nothing is not a talent like it's not a skill I'm not kidding yeah I've see I saw this dude do a this is years ago this is like at least seven years ago yeah maybe eight years ago he did that 10 to at most 15 minutes set and it was so unbelievable that he got a like a prolonged standing ovation fucking 10 minutes set like do you know how crazy your 10 minutes that has to be was he doing dude he was like just improvising songs on the spot and then you know he did he would do that thing where he would make a certain sound then with the machine you tap it and then loops and start building it and he would do that and then he would just have like a funny aside about

► 02:08:51

then then take it back but the songs he was building in the moment were so like it wasn't like he was going like you like that I mean it was like a full Orchestra yes but it was unlike you see it and you go there's something about musicians that when you can see a certain musician were you like you don't view a comedian where you go like oh my fucking god right I cannot believe the level of talent of that person you might think they're really funny or laugh a lot but you're not going to be like I've never seen something like right right right music I think that that could happen if he's that everybody up at Bonnaroo a place where everybody was bombing just a tent it's not for comedy anyway got everybody on their feet like he has a power yeah he's like he's like that yeah yeah nice guys who

► 02:09:38

they are super yes but if you in the crowd like he was not talking to you you just you also like now you're standing up and doing whatever yeah yeah he's got to talk to somebody that went on a tour with them like around that time and it was like four four of them at night you know like doing like 10 cities together I was like what order did you guys pick he's like what do you fucking think laughs yeah you don't want to follow someone who's like really good at music because it was really nice you just talk yeah I used to have a problem with that with middle acts that was one of the things that happen with with Mitch Hedberg so Mitch Hedberg was on the road and he had of the middle Act was a guy was doing like wraps he had like wraps and songs and things that would sing and he was crashing and then Hedberg were going afterwards and you know Edwards like super-dead pant pant that is the worst scheduling ever like who fuck

► 02:10:38

booked or you ever have a middle act who in a club who just stayed a middle act but for like 15 years but became the super proficient at doing 20 minutes yeah and you're like on stress I can do under right oh yeah it'll be like a guy who's like you know he became an older guy you know what I'm talking about man but it's like two ladies Roy Johnson and Roy John in Tampa I don't think he's not sick anymore in Tampa and you could not fucking follow that guy really he was a monster equipped doing comedy song cars and Tulsa now what yeah dude he was you could not know that motherfucker save carefully in Tripoli and him had beef because they did a show together apeshit and there was a secret shopper in the in the audience he's a higher secret shoppers to rate the comedian Tampa

► 02:11:38

and yeah I remember this Roy destroyed I mean yeah no he doesn't remember I hadn't seen him for a week and he was hard not to follow you work with him and those guys those guys I'm better than the headliner and you're like dude I can't disagree with you a hundred percent yeah well as you just exactly right when your kid into that like when you get in and on Thursday you see that it definitely raises your game for the whole week yeah for sure oh yeah for sure because you'll see it and that guy will have that he'll be the guy that stayed in that City fuck did he quit and start selling cars if he's that funny because there's a feature well I think about it for a hundred bucks you know that I think what happened but he probably he probably if I remember right probably didn't start it like 20 or 22 he was a little older we start much but kind of move and he also it's like want to stay in town well I think I think that's enough relationship friends always make it happen I'm friends with Roy but no I think that it was the thing that you get addicted to murdering and you don't grow past murdering mmm and you and you don't go like I'm gonna go up and take chances because I want to both of headliner on stage not

► 02:12:38

shitting on Roy but he just destroyed but I don't think ever took the chance for his like I'm gonna go and bomb tonight and see if I can figure something out you know I think that's ultimately what happens to the features there's a lot of the men I worked with all of them yeah there's a pro features for sure our feature I had one I remember who he was a he he's the story of the guy who was headlining in those clubs for like a decade or more didn't like breakout breakout but obviously what he was like a proficient comedian right then like you know has like always has like somebody has like personal stuff happen and then it's like family stuff and you know for whatever reason then they're like still in it but now they've been doing it like 25 years and then just needed the work so we would take middle weeks I mean you know those dudes would fucking hurt you oh yeah dude for sure well guys are really knew how to crush know basically they do local references and then they're just like and they've been doing it for Imagine 25 years know like just do 20 and and do it for like 10 weeks in a row those things are exact

► 02:13:38

it's not fair if you're like tired of your material those like I'm sure to kill can solve until he fuck yeah the Boston gets his all they did short because those guys to do 15 or 20 at night they do 15 20 and night and then they would do it like three four of them in a row and then bring up Billy Crystal but I'm not joking like Billy Crystal ate shit next commie stop that way a lot of guys did they set them up it's rude yeah they set up these like big name headline I'm just a little out of it was like jealousy this fucking guy thinks he can come here yeah yeah and they would they would set them up bang bang bang they would put their biggest hitters Steve Sweeney Kevin Knox Don Gavin bang bang Lenny Clarke boom boom boom and then these poor bastards would come in from out of town and these guys will talk in all this Boston talk and then you got a bullshit-ass act anyway you know you just yeah kind of drifting on though you just in between movies so you do a little comedy make yourself feel good go up see your adoring fans hey yeah I'm just gonna fuck her

► 02:14:38

on in Boston I'll just go down there and I don't really have an act right now yeah you're something else piecing it together and he wants Gavin / and Sweeney smashing the fucking room is falling apart and you see these poor guys like the look in their eye knowing they were going to certain death nothing works nothing worse than following a crossover black act crossover like I got some black guy who's played Up played a white audiences where you just go up and it's and you're young you're like 32 feels really taken marketing class feels racer I don't know if it is but I'm still listening I'll just say his name across over a BT would fucking bitch I can't hold my piss any more of this all right there

► 02:15:24

do you think they'll do you think the hardest that you've liked the hardest active fault would be like BT o BT wise-hearted Hoss okay hardest act to follow this me emergencies always do this but also the place so just to give you an example on talking about following Mike Marino had a fucking out of cotton cop convention you're not gay I got okay go ahead I'm gonna tell you the hardest week and I've ever had in my entire fucking life yes I go to I go to Miami most don't believe you nope I already know I don't because like I always saw him fucking like he's one of those guys that could just at least kill the let's do well afterwards I get booked in Miami it's my first headlining week for the improvs and I don't sell any tickets and they give me a call and they said we need to bring in another comic who's already in town to help you sell tickets are you doing right now what I'm doing just take my shoes off your socks off I don't know these fucking mushrooms you sure I thought they were I don't know

► 02:16:24

yes shoes the socks off you're pissing it table you taking the fucking socks off oh right sorry so you're in Miami please I do want to hear this I just was super distracted again keep going so you're in Miami yeah yeah what happens they go another another comic in town and you got and he's going to co-headline with you but the problem is he's already brought his own feature he was headed he thought he was going to headline so and who wasn't I'll just I'll give you the lineup now okay so they go so we've cut the host so we got your feature his feature him then you in Miami in the Heyday of Miami yeah the first day I don't know him I've never met this is like 85 yep they go the breakdown the host is going to do 15 the features going to do 15 he's going to do 40 you're going to do 40 okay right it's a long show your life this is the inter now since and imagine how hard this guy was to follow especially in Miami where everyone Spanish-speaking ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for

► 02:17:23

D Cruisers as cookie Steve Trevino and then you Bert Kreischer dude I bombed harder than I've ever bombed in my life I mean Miami sweat dripping off my chin on my sugar town I'll do that too and I have to bring up my I failed on that whole set and I brought a black eye on stage and I brought a Cuban guy on stage 11 fuck I go for the guy pulled his dick out no it's a different night but I go I said go on my go you I'm gonna just you know your people understand me so I'll say the joke and you translate it to your people and so then he does anyone stage with me so I go I was talking to this girl and the black guy goes man I spin game at this bitch and the place went nuts and I said it to the Spanish guy he just said in Spanish mean I put up with whatever and it fucking destroyed my whole act that way whenever I did joke I'd have them translated they said and stay with you the whole time Ice Age movie 35 minutes and drink tequila with me it's good

► 02:18:23

you're not no you're not going to figure it out man I've see Trevino just course he did of course he knows roid number that set you have a few bombs and you played it for everybody Tom's kind of have a half memory of that you know yeah I played on the hard work at all right yeah yeah but I mean I played like Clips or like there's no better than anybody that would say it was good mom you've ever sat in the back of a room with that was not good how about Sacramento that's the fucking worst that was the punchline would it what is it now it was called the laughs laughs you know what the worst thing about I got bomb a bomb on a Friday night is and you bomb on the early show and you can't believe how hard you just bought like it's life-altering sebum powder on The Late Show oh and there yep both sold out so it's not

► 02:19:24

eight people like oh my God to the gills now what was the Catalyst the Catalyst I mean he got me out because I remember that I was like I am raising my life tonight like after you know Jesus who's that bad but then what was what started it what started the bus started the bomb was the opening joke because I was just like oh by the way by the way before you tell your opening joke Tom is great with feeling uncomfortable in a moment and taking it to the next level we're in Hawaii with Russell Peters the one thing they say is do not mention negative shit about the Hawaiians Tom's opening joke do you remember his sword and they said I lived life slow I didn't know they were talking about your metabolisms holy shit you guys are fat do the same shit in Australia did I mention opportunities like that first word yeah don't mention Japanese people man I got lost on Base today luckily I ran into a Japanese guy he pointed me out they know everything about this base is over there drinking his own piss that's it oh my God you got me for a fucking fraction of a second I was like no he didn't

► 02:20:24

you looked at it I was like he's really lost his fucking Hammer disease drink his own piss so wait how did your mom go in Sacramento dude the Sacramento bomb was dirty it was the month after the month after Hurricane Katrina hmm so I open with a joke I don't remember the wording of it but it was like how there were there's reports of people raping people in the aftermath and I was like yeah I was like I open I was just like you know nothing like a seen dead bodies Float by that makes me want to fuck somebody you know and then I just kind of like riff about like you know dead people and then being like wow I'm shocked and it would eat so much yet and then I would go you know you have the thing you likewise go to my act now like I'll just go to like yeah is it was like it was already too late and I would bomb for the full the actually the funny thing is they may be ball shows 30 minutes this time to this is funny yeah

► 02:21:25

and nothing like seeing a dead person on a TV floating by the want to be going to fuck the timing the timing off I'll get any heat that fucking the club lady Leslie you don't like your new feature at a Clem I remember she came up she goes and the bomb feels so bad then you're sweating so hard and your man is emotionally just taxing right you're just like God damn right I walk off stage and I run like indoor she goes I thought you were supposed to be funny she's next to me and I go what just like you're supposed to do 25 you did 23 and I was like I fucking all right and then like that's the first show then the second show literally is worse in an inconceivable way it is worse if you try to save that joke again are ya try to open within a guy and then I so hard then eat it so hard that I

► 02:22:23

Ling mmc's like damn dude you fucking suck but he's like he's like I've never worn off you he's like you're like he was just like it was that big dude I'm gonna claim yeah he was like he was just like God damn I've never seen anything like a big joke like Big Lots yeah it was my God and then the next day I was like I don't know how I'm gonna do this man and berkos couldn't give you one piece of advice to go open different just do whatever you want we just opened on a different joke I was like all right man and at the time I swear to you that fucking first show Saturday by the best set that I've ever had like unbelievable set did the lady go okay no yeah she goes I was I felt redeemed right I fucking destroy it right and I what I mean like the MCS like Jesus because I've never seen a turnaround like that like I'm like this feels like I walk around and I see her and I go like and she goes what I didn't hear anything

► 02:23:23

I go like she she pretended like she didn't know shit she watched I remember because I grabbed her so she kept coming up to me go and you said he was funny you brought him with you and I was like trust me the best part about his bomb was Tom used to have a large amount of weight I lost during the sweating although they have longer hair and comb it back so it would be upright and as he bombed is starts to fall and then it starts to get wet and then run down his head I was soaking wet it was great like I jumped in a pool like I was fucking soaking wet that feeling when you're eating shit it's not like anything else on Earth I remember that I remember that like he was up on stage and somebody yelled at him like some lady he's like well you're a fucking dough cut you said that and the in the ruling is like turned on yeah they'll turn on your cam anyone back I remember him winning them back I was like goddamn I used to have some some quick go to Zone that yeah traitors hey honey your mouth God Made You

► 02:24:23

for one thing and it's not talking let's go them that God does that mean that if I started yeah that's a joke it's an irreproachable I would love to hear like a feminine while this you say hi to nothing's flashing flashing red this one is to is usually Flash Thompson really do much oh a sorry his shoes off its add the mushrooms are you to be shooting something we got me a little bit to eat them during the show before the show right before you start right now wasn't enough that what it likes such as the moon it's nice it gives you like a little nice thing but like my palms are sweaty and I'm fucking out of it yeah definitely sweating huh is that what it is you get your palms get sweaty guys I'm spaghetti Mount listen to me forget it rap battle rap battle rap battle rap Daddy for help no listen guys I'm serious it's either

► 02:25:23

hot challenge works if I'm challenged hip pain physically difficult though it's not to look different but nobody knows the bundle or did someone do nothing that's the point Ari you want to watch people do stuff have your but I'll play the Earth since when is it about anybody else other than us no but people did tune in if they like it they like it but you don't do it for other people like yeah hold on Joe don't do an artist trunk and show the first watch it no watching yoga challenge is watching a holding your breath challenge you like Rosie really holding his breath I don't fucking know well for everyone doesn't have to be in on every goddamn thing you do every day of taking a shirt a COS gonna bring you to your ship

► 02:26:23

and it's Mom and the background and my dad don't use the N word the stream and provide for the family yeah fuck them they don't realize I've leveraged their futures for our income right now yeah it is yeah you've paid a hefty price oh dude yeah my kids do not like that I've talked that much about them well what probably not have done that I believe he was like really about your kids you like it what's what's why not I was gonna wait a long time ago stupid that's what he said he said what if people come out to in the mall and they say hey your dad was talking about it I called George on the phone on stage the other day and

► 02:27:23

everyone's yelling Island and like no I'm Georgia the smart one don't don't look a house for 2020 I was being honest I didn't know another way to do stand-up I get it I get it all right yeah you do it one way fine for most of the world that's the thing like most things are fine for most of the world it's just a small percentage of people that are just wired all fucked up because we got to come we got so we gotta go I gotta go soon no no it's about the ten to 6:00 yeah we gotta go no I think you're going to see the online community I'm not going to see anything well I'll forward it to you I'm not gonna look they block your number I can you just fill up one hit enter so we can look at it no music okay just show her videos someone dance it's if we're gonna do it we should break dance go to Stan's elements of us and we'll watch some of these guys do it here's a video look up Chet Faker fuck this is great yeah some death look of a real dance be Glazer aye I'm telling you this how we'll shoot it I'm a fan of this girl

► 02:28:23

there's her name she's a choreographer she's got blond hair give her Nellie Nellie from the loot and a brownie can't we can't play where play the music just watch her dance okay let's watch it and I think that's what we'll be doing Joe and I really think you're gonna like what are you selling this look at this look at this I'm already out no joke yeah right here fuck who is this it was the Glazier she's a Cardinals fan that's her yeah Country Grammar for this is not Joe anything that doesn't require you to lose weight I'm I'm not here look everybody its in fucking great show this is us doing these her name is Jackie Glazier name's Dee Glazer okay she's great she's great she's great and this will be us imagine how much fun it would be when you do it though because you're fat yeah I'll be do you think you can learn to do this a hundred percent you do you think you could do a fucking split you remember that thing that whether you wait wait wait hold on you think you could do this I could get my body to move that way if someone taught me and I spent the entire amount of time I'm on my way

► 02:29:23

on the month one month no I think I was good enough I think in one month you could be better than all of us oh I definitely be better than you and that's all that counts right JoJo come on this is me and Tom and you and Ari we do ass one altogether unlikely he likes about bro look at the egg from what's it called in the back all right do you think you could learn to do this

► 02:29:45

look over here Bert no mine huh no I'm not getting rid of this you don't so what tell me a challenge you think is fair for everybody everybody should weigh in right now what do you think it should be you know how embarrassing this is that place that place like that is right near my apartment I walked by on the way home from not working out and I look through the window at them doing crazy dances like that I'm not staying I'm gonna what challenge should be I'm crazy and I'm looking to integrate mobile moment I'm gonna keep this this is mine I like this I like having it look at that look over at that you never can get this part I'm getting it if we do hip hop dance no you think so you're not worried are you in okay with the weight loss challenge you by Men by the way Tommy you should get a weight loss challenge belt I think we should probably make one that'd be a great idea so horrible fucking idea it's a great idea get on it Jamie whole order it up we need a weight loss challenge but okay no no no no no

► 02:30:44

champ to I want a marathon Bell okay he's only tried that yeah I could do it and they give you like a button or something when you went to America and you run it cuz I gotta give you because your promoter had one I saw him when I was in shut up punk thank you they give you one of them erasers that go on top of a pencil that nobody ever used triangle yeah just wanted to writing like the right went like is if pencils are so crazy and you use up that eraser but you need an external or another get them hands on the phone called campaigns right now he'll be he'll tell you how Superior arm now listen what about what about if about this hold on Captain I had the fucking great idea he had the greatest idea whole break it when you remember if if we do it the hip-hop challenge yes and we need No One's Gonna Be there to cheer anybody and queer the the judges it has to be just us be filled if you want edges yeah you can't wear tank where the judge do you have to say that anymore yeah I think that's probably language well it's in the cute that's punched my friend

► 02:31:44

Miriam nakamoto's snacks snack a moto snacks so just us and then get actual judges don't know us to decide you have to really make a video a place where three people learn to meet Joe I think he's kind of say like give us an alternative we also maternity let's come up with something where we don't need judges I don't want to bring judges in because then we have other people like then it's gonna get gross we're minute wait a minute it's a bad idea to bring in judges wanted judge because it just hands the power over to like the other people in our organization to I don't want to even talk to other people okay that makes sense I'm trying to cut people out of my life I'm not trying to add to his I get that answe judges yeah I don't have time the only did they like our is idea I like ours idea no social media for year except I haven't ever run you know you can run it just go Jimmy Post-it we have a video post it I don't trust him no you'd have to eat have to give you I'm being charged with a message look at him over there he's sneaky he's sneaky

► 02:32:44

he checked my DM's why don't we eat you telling me anything he judges who's the best see you at the bottom dick pics I'm coming my way yeah it's judges is a real thing you're right judges is a real thing but I think we're in the right direction with hip-hop dance why because it's your invention no no I just think I just figured something none of us none of that there should be a real penalty for a real repercussion for you if you come in last yeah you give us a couple spread it out collectively a million dollars you doing better now it took us champ yeah tour bus champ you have to think about that as you sign up for you're not going to lose if those are the stakes well what is it going with this wait hold on hold on one second just let's let aside let's talk and tour bus champ comes at a price

► 02:33:44

dude my boss just being fucking sick you can't just be tour bus champ right was his million eyes are his followers to I was tour bus to listen to him that's what Burt do you understand this is strange that you keep failing at these things and yet you keep bragging every time we get together to play defense so much success when it comes to you guys that I think sometimes you guys forget about it what I was tour bus champ you know hold on Elson alive don't you what are you don't touch me you're not the tour bus champ the bus that I was on this week is better than anybody on the tour bus Championship was going on are you asking me to say why it's me of course I'll come so I have the better bus did you ever take a picture of your bus and put it online yeah oh really yeah you never knew you had it fucking Photoshop 200 times no it was my bus the outside of your boss doesn't count Tom the inside of your bus that look like a prison yard just like a prison yard did it not did not have a broken

► 02:34:44

transmission no internet TVs that didn't work you had no internet here towards getting a tour bus I want you to pause for a second and imagine a world where the thing that you're bragging about when you've been called out for failing to challenges in a row hard as fuck to makes great method first thing you talking about is this and we're not even in the shape of the bus that you drive around in I didn't start Tour Bus champ he started tour bus check how much is prepared Woods it was the transmission bad will then I win yeah yeah point you made you know a flat tire well then I am Leonardo DiCaprio at the front of the Titanic we let me just like we had a challenge you came at last you're talking about you deflect okay so what what are the repercussions for you fucking pussy out well I'm not pushing out and Rebound with the fuck about of the reasons why I have this right here is because I I read about you saying that you're gonna put it on your mantelpiece

► 02:35:44

Mike that's never happened yeah yeah Mickey Mantle piece what is that joking you entertain you you can you entertain a circumstance in which you think Burke could beat you hip I'll make make again like the old Hustler make an even game where they could be anybody's at this point like a pool games always yeah no no we're not playing pool but like I'm not gonna touch my body challenge that words like you got to make it would have to be have to have some form of lymphoma really wrong a physical thing but he moves so well maybe you move like the wind it is something I've seen you move so that Christopher Cross on Terri Schiavo couldn't do better than you and you really can move man right there was days where I was I was like man I'm tired now I thought about you

► 02:36:35

Are you standing now you took your socks off you fucking mushrooms we took mushrooms you forget announced come on Tommy feels good that's where we doing what we don't have a Green Beret we should and also you do need some repercussions for fucking blowing it bad on you won't forget me don't forget I'm the only one that ran a marathon that wasn't part of that month to but it doesn't seem like you are willing to Face Reality tell me what reality is I'll fix it well of reality is Ari shaffir didn't work out at all of the way and even don't you did want to run a marathon Ari shaffir guy didn't work out at all I agree with you Kate he smoked you like you can set a cigar you stressing anything in life and not just like okay probably the talking shit demarre you know we didn't work out for 10 years I'm the only one that came in with this point get off our fucking phone

► 02:37:35

what the hell what did you sit down for expect you ever seen a video of him on my fucking rowing machine oh I saw that you just heat up against me I get it here's the deal we teamed up again listen listen don't you dare I got my second place guy let him use my we team up I literally he's my second he was gone give me this my closest competitor I took on your day off that's true I did I just have one I've I've said I've said Ad nauseam we're not I can't believe recovering this I've had a nauseam tugging on Joe's tiger's tail is a big mistake Ari was a massively surprising and Tom was a fair fair competitor now I will say I am just giving up ideas of what to do next October and I need ideas and I believe that our he's idea was I think us not doing something is not fun to follow if you are a fan of the podcast us not doing any like hey guys let's sleep wouldn't be really fun it would be it would be how many hours of hip-hop dance like we put

► 02:38:34

and there we go now we're talking about something

► 02:38:37

why hip-hop dancing not klezmer name what name it you guys want to do Riverdance Riverdance fuck no let's do some dance that sucked when it was invented on the dancing it just hit me right now - yeah fast-forwarding to find in but like I liked what we did was with the hot yoga the easiest thing to do is something that you don't need a lot to like take with you or get you know I mean like really special things not bad I'm not like running a lot I do right Glenn running but I don't want to be the one sitting here promoting running I'm trying to think out of the box runs a great idea it really has been great about running is that if we did do it for the whole total miles of the month it would get Savage you problem I could you do we get hurt could you do it what bird I will seriously lose like 40 pounds of what might be gone

► 02:39:37

do a marathon a day Joe well I think it's physically possible to do a marathon a day I know you could well be way easier for me than for you yeah very much easier once again I will Moon I'm too drunk to even talk by the way when he's where bet you looked at me like you're like I'm gonna do that listen are you gonna do a marathon a day it's not it's not healthy for you to keep living in this world that you've created okay doesn't even make sense what are you talking about my drinking or my no no that's normal yeah okay I was drinking along with this proclamation of Awesomeness it's you know I'm saying it's like this it's not the drink the drinking is fun it's fun you are fun to running you need to be punished if you lose we got way more there's a whole table full of whiskey over there but

► 02:40:37

and then we got Gas Monkeys tequila here to a few running then if everyone if everyone agrees on Monday I'm in the running - it's um it's gonna get ugly guys running gonna get ugly I'm gonna do a marathon what are we gonna wear to track our so that everybody has the same thing to track the - the shoe well you can wear the rock shoe or you can just get an Apple Watch no no but I think we could do you have to watch only four phone calls and then talking to it if you have a send text message and then we'll do ours challenge at the same time so what are we doing with our need for social media for the month so wait hold on running on an iPhone will do as many miles as we can for the month the whole thing would be how many miles can you run in a month and I tell you I'm going to open up the first day with 30 30 30 months day one I'm gonna open that up yeah look at my eyes oh no are we talking dirty mutt just in a day like today I'm going to do what you miles can you here's the thing because earlier it was mentioned though that that part I believe I do believe that I believe that

► 02:41:37

what I want in there and this this makes a huge difference yeah can you because if we're tracking those miles we all have to track the miles we have to track the mouth with the same anyway it's okay Angela what are you Rick well track them out that with the same app no court or for anybody can have to agree no growth hormones no tester on the ground agree on anything but you should kill yourself first and then figure out the rest yes you really should be as large as you are hold on you got all the way down to like to 12 or something like that did you weigh I have an Impulse problem what did you what did you get up to on this tour Tom 500 not tell you a secret

► 02:42:38

shellfish reaction in Denmark that's hilarious hold on okay wait wait okay here's the way now this is important for the challenge so we all I think we all have to track the miles the same way right distance is is there going to be a stipulation that these miles can only be tracked Outdoors on pavement yes because you're on a treadmill if it's GPS treadmills not going to show anything on GPS it has to be movement ok ok actually is there a legal move me we're talking about no no it can't just distance so distance Converse walk this there's an app I still resent that track walking and you know it takes a lot longer to walk a mile then to run a mile yeah walk on because you know you should be if you're tired and you're running and you want to walk for a mile that's fine so I'm gonna remember this literally Walker all distance uh walk around Silver Lake everything okay no Silver Lake Walker is dude look like a fucking lizard you just walk around Silver Lake dude he would walk I'm not kidding was all from yeah from like 6:00 a.m. and you would see

► 02:43:38

at eight pm gets a frantic he was a doctor yes he there's like a little Scandal there he died in this hot tub so we would see this guy in a hot Yes somewhere there is no cigar that's him so you just walk around trying to sling dick I don't know exact guys slings debt and he would hold the newspaper I used to see this dude everyone's around like that yes all day I'm Steven Reed clearly it said click on that lower picture again guns it said he killed himself look at that killed himself yeah oh my God that's wow this is conclude killed himself La coroner concludes yeah see ya there but that wasn't initially the report of story is our story The that it was a mystery how this guy had died well there was a mystery solved mysteries of like a bird I guess yeah can I tell especially the corner okay all right so toenails can I tell you this

► 02:44:37

his latest and yeah they're pretty hmm he has his toenails painted they're all pretty it's got like a really beautiful I'll take a picture with Kathleen and Kathleen Madigan no okay McGee yeah I'm Calgary can I just tell you this I was late for the Stan this is like about a year ago and Stan was still open and I was like fucking I start running how was it second I was at 16th Street and 2nd Avenue I start running it eventually I was like I was out of steam I had to like stop and I stopped I was a 16th Street not yet to 3rd Avenue

► 02:45:10

so I tire out under a block but that's just enjoying the idea of going into this is just starting to run a position that you know how last year I don't you behave you you took you got into like a fucking Zone you got into his own you have a runner what I do is gonna win at one point the other Runners body there was a there was a moment somewhere around week when you said I gotta go know when you saw the aerial hunting I'm offline for a second I was like yeah I know I'm close yeah I had to go hunting for but I shot at elq on the second day that's right as you came back we have been a little more like you think would have been a little easier on us if you had high hunted for five days yeah but I was wearing my thing but hiking I was I got 600 points one day you had working out hiking yeah it wasn't that I I'm liking men your heart rate didn't use you the fuck up you're going up came back from hunting you did more than that so I went crazy yeah guys can you just put yourself as a thousand in a day on one day it's going to happen yeah I did nine hundred and then I came in here work

► 02:46:10

for another hour after I was done so I did I was hurt in that last name and you guys should all remember okay October 18th you wait you're gonna wake up yeah and you go fuck I have to just run a bunch now yeah hey Christine is like let's hang out man I know I know I know I know yeah it's not gonna feel bad not bad month and you're all gonna die I'm cool with it there's that too Burt what place you'll come in probably for a second for a second for set for Cyrus yeah whatever I'm probably first but maybe second if something spectacular that seems outrageous that I'm going to be getting on growth right so we all do grow the way about this right now I gotta go Lea do that but let's sign off on you that you should definitely lose some weight shouldn't just get off stuff you should stop drinking so much speaking as with actually sober party yeah that's going to be easy to do what Australia you're not going to drink it all about you 15 to 20 to 27 when you're over there you definitely won't drink I mean they don't even like drinking in Australia May set a good example

► 02:47:10

dog can't go there are exceptional drinking thanks people go hard over there maybe you're not doing this fucking cut up Coke we're doing tonight for your shirt right yeah you can have to do shoe he's over there you can have to drink beer do you receive me do the schooi the on TV I don't even want to pull up Bernie chewy it's a beautiful picture oh you see that you've seen it yeah yeah um I like running I just I'm cool with it and of course I'm cool with no social media you're like I just want your into his own thing again yeah definitely I'm the only one that came up with an idea that was fun it was like jumped on board with it man I think it's a good idea I told you I liked her boy do I like it I like the hip-hop as you like in terms of none of us have any experience that's the fun part with can't break that's great for judging part is a true problem parts of real problem it's an untenable issue you're going to bring in these people and they're going to the reason why I thought Bert one get the fuck out of here you're right about that get the fuck out of here I see

► 02:48:10

for a different starting point so I gave him extra points for that fuck you Bert fuck you you can't win like that if you're going to win it's going to be you have to win and that's what you're scared of you're scared of it really great up having anything in something but wins for sure definitely hundred percent I love that you have a Leawood ratline into my brain were you here you can tell you can see what gets my heart racing the anxiety forming I can see it forming in the air above you is the order if we do the running thing go ahead you get first okay your promoter gets second what's his name Joe get third what's the promote his name again was this thing the one guy the only use only

► 02:48:54

I came in here today thinking I was gonna tell you guys like I'm out really you're doing it you're doing it all right we did mushrooms you can't go you are doing ever is doing mushrooms with her for the show might have been the fucking best way to start the show feels good I'm gonna have to do that November for like I bought my whole body's tingly it's like a nice mushroom hi it's like it makes you realize what you really like about mushrooms I got November 3rd off are we are we gonna do a game together the four of us yes I shouldn't be here we're going to be what the five fry back in November November 4th I'm a New York always you know what we should do your wide and your what let's go to New York all week we could uh you know two people down okay are you still doing Winters out here you still doing the winner I could do New York jobs I could do it New York show yeah sure

► 02:49:45

I know venue what do you know of anyone else you can find is the better they do you suggest Jesus Christ so are you not coming out this way at all no I yeah I come in you know what would be fun if we decide like the for of decided to a destination yeah like some some crazy I was just saying in Vegas but that's not like really adds way no excess CO2 you know we should do some are we can do some shit that's like that you don't normally get on a tour like somewhere in Wyoming yeah I mean right yeah yeah I do Boise Boise I love boys I was just funnin ya maybe we could do something in like it's like I'm Boise break his ankle Co yeah Mexico or New Mexico not Mexico Mexico Pro New Mexico I had Ed cauldron on the podcast of the day that's where I got this Mexico yeah oh yeah he's super Mexican he's a was awesome border patrol guys he was describing the whole cartel

► 02:50:45

Wars and how it all went down wild it all was happening right when he signed up to be a cop and he basically became a paramilitary operator like Jesus just trying to fucking deal with shit that was going down the border to try to take that I mean let's face it out so it's a crumpled-up trying to be greedy about Montana know what it is we talked about destination just for us to hang out for the weekend - oh did you all do show hang out well we say November and November day we've ever noticed November has no no no yelled as far as I go there all right like skiing well that's when people go there for ya November is a seasoned ready sure yeah fresh or meet Tommy and New York today yeah no one in Big Sky Saturday you're gonna be there anyway Saturday it's known in Big Sky he's gonna be there that weekend anyway and remember New York yeah I'm gonna be in New York and I got November 3rd off is my only weekend off from stand-up all fall great right after that weekend you come back well hang out neela we and by the way we could just do a comedy club to who gives a fuck yeah

► 02:51:44

might be really fun man it's a book of clunky charge so much we charge them normal amount of merchandise usually I know you have your promoter I've never towards take my hand you don't do that anymore I've never charge for meet and greet my entire life that's fair his I've never once I do I do a raffle they just look hard for people that do that okay girls I think it's gross to but I bet you know what teachers own I guess friends to do it I got it however when we Marlins we agreeing on running is that really going to be it describes what we did last time because it's like fucking time is running out of the podcast okay so how I'd like running hip-hop dancing and obviously my God you're for sure kalai fighting it's weird yeah let's let's ruminate believe this right here all right be sure I do from know like it look at so pretty Bert huh would you be running he got hit

► 02:52:44

sighs by the belt he did that is like God to me you're really wants it was so fucking bad this who made that job what is the company that made it Pro-Am belts Pro-Am Bell did a great job can you add an add on that shows a bunch of pills on the side yes I have no weed no booze like that's all there is English try to keep it clean keep up yeah it looks nice looks nice I can't wake him belt you're gonna have it bro you have it November 1st mmm for sure listen I'm no I'm well aware of with the training that needs to go into this if we do running know I personally think something silly or would be benefit us but I'm cool with whatever you guys pick and I don't know because you're happy coming in last with no consequences learn how to board are you are you saying you'll win either way no matter what it is he just comes in last and it doesn't matter that's the thing Crocs all this shit he Riles you up and I'm saying this is a guy who won it's not it's not it's not right is it wait dude wait how about the million-dollar payout yeah they are you gonna do the million-dollar pan

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my right we was not right you it's not right it's like fake bragging smell shit bullshit I believe in my own fucking abilities that's the truth that's horrific I believe in my own abilities rific thing he said I believe in my own abilities I believe in myself if Las Vegas will open the action on this this year which we might be able to get them to do I'll I know I'm betting on how many things be honest I better hit the water running challenge oh yeah that's one every day he's grilling granted a not three weeks seven miles or 370 is awesome God it's so hard they are Runners assault Runner I used to hate it now I'd like the thing is that's going to get you in shape for the real running that you have to do when you come in last because that is harder than wait wait wait those things are harder than running it's like 15% or 13% I think your to come in second again you think so yeah no way yeah we'll come in second he'll get crazy you do

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the thing you're kind of doing the opposite things I know are better than you guys know right because Ari and I have done Jiu-Jitsu together so I know how competitive he gets like when you when you fighting for your life which is what you're doing when you're doing you just so you know what a guy's got inside of them are spheres a little Savage my career life and running is a little different no no no no it's his mind that's why I know why I knew I knew he was gonna come in second when we did this so rocktober thing I was just yeah sooo fucking running I'm going gets crazy with stuff let's go I'm going to turn my brain off switch it over let's like you Bert he doesn't you know he doesn't give up I don't know oh now you got it feel like God doesn't fold this is already set up what I feel like the only thing that's not settled but is what is your right that's not good for you was that good it's not good to talk shit and then talk shit never back it up listen talk shit and then just wait what is this

► 02:55:46

sometimes you talk shit you lose if you want something away Mary is like honor sometimes you talk shit and you lose okay what's the day I swear that you just said I'm Conor McGregor what kind of guy gets knocked out Joe Zee although it's one Conor McGregor was gonna pick one person on this podcast to get behind who do you think would be be be real it really is weird he can I tell me what he would do let's see em let's Houk is what kind of we thank God I'm on mushrooms if there was a fucking if there was an audience he would get them all going about how it's you and then when it's like press the button to vote right then he would go Joe yeah he was that you brag and then fall down

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then get back on get back on get back up of a man who doesn't think with his liver yeah I think with my heart Burt what is the punishment listen you we all know what I'm saying let's say let's start with you you come in last what is the punishment yeah coming in for coming in last name it a million dollars if I could be so happy right now because I know he's happy he's looking forward to it was good looking for you being comfortable is looking forward to coming in last in front of a fireplace curled up no no no ma'am it's not a million dollars name it

► 02:57:27

look at him dude this whatever is wrong with me but ever got me in the comedy all the things that are wrong with me this is the base of it right here I said my new therapist on their does that mean just because contest I believe I genuinely

► 02:57:44

are you blaming me believe in myself in this moment that's great I genuinely believe in myself I believe that you do that I do I believe I believe even yeah hundred percent to a hundred but I think you also know on some level coming forth in any time I don't know if my name is worth but I tell you I'll be I'll be very honest yeah please much as I believe in myself I know there's something wrong with Joe I know that Ari has this fucking I've no interest in you Gehrig's Disease but whatever it is Mickey Mantle yeah and I know that Tom is going to call me on the Last Tango who you're done running right I think you're not gonna throw me under the bus on this one the last day I called him and I was like I was like are you doing he was like man I swear to you and then I he's like said to him because say what I said he goes I'm with my family right now I'm with my kids and I heard like kids laughing and pieces like we're hosting a thing

► 02:58:43

I stayed on that trip I was like I still on some part of my mind doesn't believe you I don't believe so but I guess I stayed on I stayed on and he goes I swear to you I'm done and I stayed in that gym probably 40 minutes he still put up good numbers that day but I did go like I couldn't do it was a weird thing I got on a plane that great about it until you guys are gone I flew across the country that yeah no you didn't tell me that I tell you that yes so I was like I love about it what I loved about it is that we were seeing everybody's numbers he's high on mushrooms no but I'm just thinking about this it's like can't we start slow and have like an art you did five miles called for the day it's you maxed out no that's not that's not how it's going to we're going to the dark place here's what I'm well aware of

► 02:59:25

I'll give you the cards in my hand right now hmm I'd run 26 miles in a day yeah and I know that Joe's first day of running 26 miles is going to put him back for a couple decent really hard to go right into that not so now he's gonna try to hit it yeah I know I know I know I know on October 1st you moron no I know I know I know I know I know but I know for a fact now I know from the leave this place is start if we make a fucking running if that's the agreement I'm gonna get down to a hundred eighty pounds I'm going to lose 20 T right now 200 I'm do that yeah no but I mean like like in your head 20 pounds 30 done yeah I'm gonna lose 20 pounds and I'm going to run almost start off like with ten I'll do like ten every other day and then by the time October ramps around I'll be doing a marathon a day

► 03:00:18

it's gonna suck it's going to suck you'll you'll do that every day yeah I'm gonna have to I'm gonna have to show bird with the fuck is up and then I'm not going to talk to me anymore I don't like how the end of no no I'm going to block his number I'm just like I can't do this anymore fuck

► 03:00:37

about dance for fun all right this should be fun I gotta pee this shouldn't be fun it shouldn't be fun should be terrifying last year was terrified I'm saying is if I come in last this year and there's all these fucking repercussions and then he came and Lasting had nothing wrong with it and it's super unfair it's unfair you're right or no no replica someone should punish you he should be punished Bert wait why do I get punished right coming in last so give me a punishment I'm cool dumbest yeah you can't eat your own shit how much I Spoonful Jesus Christ oh shit what happens I don't know why don't you just give us H three hundred grand is settled yeah

► 03:01:19

fuck can I just say that I'm going to be Columbus next weekend so my guys will come out of that place y'all don't know what even bigger right yeah but don't do shrooms when you come see my show just don't do it such a great Club Columbus yeah it's great Club it's a great town for stand up to it's not as good as the Met July 27th of Philly oh my God I'm announcing a shitload of dates tomorrow are you really yeah I know some no I can't I don't know where I'm going Cardiff Wales June 25th for Ari shaffir are going Arch for.com all of them will be announced tomorrow I'll put it by the time I got some dates coming that's your pre-sales oh there's some still a hundred tickets left for Chicago this weekend to wear uh kago some Arena Jesus to broken and I were in Chicago in salads and they were like this is fucking super sweet the salad and then we asked some lady like she couldn't believe it when I like did you put sugar on the salad she was like is it too sweet for you like

► 03:02:15

why would you put a teacher got a salad and we looked around the thinnest person look like Bert it was like everybody there was massive tail of that fat deep-dish Pizza those are Hardy Midwest folk yeah I love shopping yeah I love Scott but yeah but they put sugar on their Salad Sugar in the South was the one moment take a break nope get into it for just one extra pop with your pop yeah one more sugar and you shall sugar were you playing their massive Place huh yeah some big-ass Place damn is it different than just like how different is it than the store this is different yeah explain to people the difference between a small hundred-seat room to its 356 30,000 this is but here's the problem is the same material you going to put on a special yeah delicious when you delivered a 6000 people realize you're dealing with one person on the couch is it like do you different kind of show you find yourself Talking louder or like stuff like that it's different I mean if you're there it's fun but it did I don't think it would translate correctly if you're at home

► 03:03:15

that's one of the reasons why I think like I did my last one at the Wilbur which is pretty tight it's like three Comedy Club stacked on top of each other it's 1100 seats but it's pretty intimate like the people are on top of you I think that's how you're supposed to do comedy at a special because specials it's hard to be in that room and I've been saying this see if you agree with me I think that a special is only at its best like maybe 80% of what it's like to actually be in the room because you miss the feeling of being in the crowd and yeah my um I try to get my shirts and I haven't ever got as close as possible to love experience but you can see a show at a Mexican restaurant on a Tuesday with a bunch of amateurs and you'll laugh you laugh harder than watching any of our specials alone in your apartment yeah comedy have you really being there live it's amazing what makes it I think a lot of comics mess up and they do their special for the room hmm and they go like ah what's up what's up here the place

► 03:04:15

I'm at how crooked that though but Katt Williams the best part of his special was the ten minutes he did on Tallahassee or Jack Jack Jack I would hard disagree big fucking Katt Williams fan that I love buddy William stuff but we talked about that but doing it not for the room you gotta do it for the people to shoot a special for fucking Jackson but it is well you guys especially are doing these massive these massive massive room but then when people are going to see your special yeah almost all of them are watching like you know really tight do my special in a big room do it's like less than thousand I'm thinking to do in mind the ice house I've been thinking about doing that a lot of pretty far out of doing a special I'm at least a year away from even thinking about it I think the most important thing about doing a special is doing in a place that has not seen you do stand-up that's the number one most important thing I would do a special at the store I would find that to be a mistake because you're there all the time you've been working on this material front of those people who fucks your head

► 03:05:15

up what about the people who well I get on the level of like some of the jokes are surprise ending and they kind of like know what's going there right right that's you don't want to do a special for people that have seen this material ever you want those people to never have seen this material the same way the people that are home never seen that money million people in La Bert you have a job yeah but it's a lot of them will show up a lot of your mega fans are going to show up go dude I just saw him like six months ago I want to come and see it well what's interesting about the store right now is that you get comedy tourism there where you getting a lot of people that come to visit the store from all over the world yeah sure let's see I met some dudes they're just the other day from England and Ireland they flew in for the week as wild and Up Storage massive Right Now Praise or is everywhere my really is but I but I'm through the few things I have in my head is I like a rock venue and I like to play Simon dunne's I haven't done this material in front of have you announced it yet we're doing our know yeah Cleveland

► 03:06:10

23rd of November everybody you finally special yeah oh shit in Cleveland and keep it aside shirt on no I'm gonna do shirt on super skinny after this Marathon what's he doing it no what if you dance off come on Drive remember fucking knee brace on yeah an orthopedic American challenge ha ha ha Sonic burn underwater you're like an artist around like fucking Forrest Gump it's just how everybody I've been running when our he's around the open up a kombucha you instinctively smell it first move that thing man held it

► 03:06:45

I got blue Ski-Doo I would I could do an entire podcast on specials because I feel like I'm obsessed with all the good ones like what makes a great special yeah to Anthony Jeselnik first chasing the best joke I've heard enough of like this first jokes are come out really strong you gotta have a first Joke Man anyone problem anyone says hi any of that bullshit fucking walked in States like Jeselnik or like nor McDonald and tell a fucking Joey you see it now no man I'd like Katt Williams got cats out Veil I'd like that he's hilarious in it he's really great he's really great but he when you talk to Mommy and real man I'm coming I'm not a fucking I'm being real I did this for a living yeah but like yeah but the guy are you being real but like I didn't like it man I'm not from Jacksonville and I'd been to Jacksonville and I know you I know you like my come on come on this is fucking brilliant man you know what Michael Jackson had he had this this this you know what I got

► 03:07:44

this gum trying to fuck bitches Max it doesn't matter where it doesn't matter where he is du/dy doesn't I want to hear your new phone wow but he no dude I'm gonna end this podcast to no conclusion because otherwise we'll just try fight with your o'clock in the morning cat no you didn't you're drunk Cat Stevens is a Muslim don't get in a fight with him it's a lot of people had guys back they'll put your uh I'll be your special strong I'm being followed by a Moon Shadow Moon Shadow Moon Shadow okay all right this is a wrap ladies gentlemen silver October we accomplished nothing can promote one thing real quick if you guys have ever wanted an excuse to do mushrooms there's a mushroom festival happening in just two weeks Jan 15th 16th and 17th all you gotta do is take mushrooms wherever you are it's called Shoot fast and fucking join in by taking mushroom listen this was fun time it was good time I talk I love you guys okay yeah I talked to me again fucking a late October yeah well you'll get ugly again guys

► 03:08:45

Tom Segura.com fucking asshole thank you everyone for tuning in to the motherfucking show and thank you to the cash app the number one finance app in the app store download the cash app from the app store or Google Play Market today and when you download the cash app enter the referral code Joe Rogan all one word five dollars goes to you and five dollars goes to support our good friend Justin Ren's fight for the Forgotten charity which is building Wells for the pygmies it's a true win-win so please download the cash app to today we are also brought to you by motherfucking Postmates Postmates folks do you need things and you don't want to go to the store good well we got the solution Postmates and for a limited time Postmates is giving our listeners 100 dollars of free delivery

► 03:09:44

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► 03:10:44

first butcher box plus 20 bucks off when you go to Butcher box.com Rogan that's to New York strip steaks baby back ribs and 2 pounds of ground beef free in your first box plus $20 off at butcher box.com Rogan thank you my friends much love to you all bye-bye big kiss one