#1268 - Ron White

Mar 19, 2019

Ron White is a stand up comedian and actor, best known as a charter member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. His new special "If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up" is now streaming on Netflix.

► 00:00:00

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the motherfuking program this episode the podcast is brought you by the cash app the cash I was the number one finance app in the app store and it's pretty fucking sweet first of all it allows you to send and receive money between friends like you have somebody to somebody very easy easiest way also allows you to buy and sell Bitcoin on top of that the cash app offers instant discounts at some of your favorite places with the cash card. The cash card is a fucking extremely powerful debit card the only debit card on the planet that has boosts a money-saving feature that you can't get anywhere else because the cash app invented it you just select a booze in your cash app swipe your cash card and you can save 10% or more at Whole Foods Shake Shack Chipotle Taco Bell Chick-fil-A Domino's and coffee shops across the country to Coffee Shop booze takes $1

► 00:01:00

any coffee shop every single time you buy coffee with a stonking will you speed up the donuts Dunkin or Starbucks or coffee bean by 400 cups of coffee a year sale $400 with the cash app it is that simple

► 00:01:17

yeah what's up download the cash app from the app store or the Google Play Market in order your cash card today and of course when you download the cash app and to the referral code Joe Rogan all one word five dollars would go to you and $5 will go to support our good friend Justin Ren's fight for the Forgotten charity which is helping to build Wells for the pygmies and we're very exciting to share an update that we got from Justin to date through this promotion the cash app and JRE listeners have raised over $100,000 providing clean drinking water to More Than 6,400 People in Uganda and Tanzania and on top of that some of the funds have helped fight for the Forgotten purchase land for the butt while pygmies in Southwest Uganda bringing six new water well to that region with the cash out to help and positive image video which is the production company that shoots my comedy specials they're going to document Justin's efforts and make a film so that everyone could experience a journey

► 00:02:15

download cash app to date again use the promo code Joe Rogan all one word we're also brought you by butcher box 1% grass-fed and finished beef free-range organic chicken and Heritage breed pork they they send you in the cooler on dry ice

► 00:02:42

frozen meat is the highest quality going to get anywhere you're not going to get better meet outside of butcher box this type of high-quality me is actually very difficult to find as you live in a food desert it's near impossible and if you live in a big city you know that there's expensive supermarkets you want to buy grass-fed meat it's expensive the prices and the variety at butcherbox are hard to beat now they have wild Alaskan sockeye salmon and they Source their pure wild sustainably harvested salmon from Bristol Bay Alaska you can see it's like a rich red color it's never factory farms always Wild

► 00:03:21

delicious and sustainable and on top of that all that sounds good right right well how about this you get $20 off plus free ground beef for life that is 2 lb of free 100% grass-fed ground beef and every order for the lifetime of your subscription just a loan mean what a great deal

► 00:03:43

go to butcherbox.com click the banner and enter the discount code Rogan at checkout I love that company

► 00:03:52

and last but not least we are brought to you by athletic greens I take this shit all the time there's some supplements that I really enjoy taking all the time cuz it's easy I just take a scoop of the stuff I put in some water I mix it doesn't taste like shit and it's one of the very best all in one whole food supplements

► 00:04:18

the most complete whole food supplement developed over 10 years by doctors nutritionist naturopaths it has 75 Whole Food sourced ingredients including essential vitamins and minerals prebiotics and probiotics digestive enzymes adaptogens greens superfood complex and just mix it super simple one scoop of this has the antioxidant equivalent of 12 servings of fruits and vegetables and they they have these little packets I take them with me everywhere I go it look nutrition is everything if you wore body gets properly fueled it works better if it works better you have more energy if you have more energy you do better at everything you do including your interpersonal relationships

► 00:05:04

well how about this with athletic greens

► 00:05:09

they will hook you up with 20 free travel packs valued at $79 with your first purchase because they love you they want you to be healthy as fuck so go to athletic greens. Com Rogan and claim your special offer today it's great stuff it's easy doesn't taste like shit it's super good for you and this is so simple just makes a glass of that up when you eat and it just will make whatever meal you're having much more nutritious as athletic greens. Com Rogan don't miss this all right ladies and gentlemen my guest today is one of the greatest stand-up comedians of our era ever how about what a funny human beings ever walked the face of the planet he's a very good friend of mine I love him to death he is the Great and Powerful Ron White

► 00:05:59

The Joe Rogan Experience

► 00:06:09

what would a fancy beginning

► 00:06:20

delicious who to see you after that mentally intensive carbohydrate versus fat exhausted they were going back and forth they didn't like each other or mocking each other a little bit but hopefully people got some information out of it

► 00:06:44

two guys they just different positions clear on why you have a mugshot that we can a collection make sure it's a small enough to put on a pretty big one I'd like to have a pretty dominant spot over at the tell me what you need experience for the bucket

► 00:07:22

did I was a bad picture of a really bad you got busted for weed somebody ratted you out that there was weed on your plane that they didn't say there was weed on my plane they said it was a drug smuggling plane and I'm just sitting on the plane looking out the window and there's a drug dogs and people invest and machine guns and I'm like what not what it was that I just had some personal weed obviously somebody called in a wide instead of going interested in that guy they took me to jail at much pot with it but who knows how much he did have no nose I didn't kill somebody put me up for murder right now if we need no evidence at all

► 00:08:22

something typing they drove by. They drove by three meth labs in a dead hooker just to get to my plane and it really the funny part of it was the next day we were going to go somewhere else saying in Louisiana and then and now I've got to you know just weed we can get rid of that's all we can do cuz they might do it again next night next place more dry so now we've got an apple we're smoking out of there are two of them on Horseback and Alex feeds the Apple the horses so they tried to check your plan again we just had come up with this little plan that you know we were just wood and he also had to eat a little bag of weed and is really stoned on stage and we didn't go to jail at night if you eat eat weed will get you high

► 00:09:22

a big old lip for cheap. Like there's no one out there chewing it taste like ass dude I got to watch it to keep station but there is a growing number of people who juice the leaves and drink it

► 00:09:42

yeah you know like wheatgrass juice they do it with the leaves of cannabis plant squeeze it to make the light to concentrate outside in their stick it in one of those masticators if there is that what they called those things that make you know like wheat grass like grass to make sense if you can get it out of that mean you can get it out of your plant right there for health Ron to tell you what's not bad in the Heineken shit that we got we have Heineken zero zero whatever the fuck it is it does not taste bad it's okay so so you don't get that annoying Buzz has had that soccer sober October and it looked like you were having a blast I have to admit it's in from the side lamp

► 00:10:42

dog with its everything looks like a blast in their November to remember November I like to do it you think you'd ever do it I don't think I could how many days until you take off

► 00:11:01

you know really not want to be very happy about it I mean that I've got a little touch of alcoholism that someday I'll either deal with her I won't but you know it's it's a maintenance thing with me so I mean it's as far as keeping your mindset correct just feeling good like what is it you know it's just it's just something that I seem to require you know what it's like I can't wait for that first drink of the day

► 00:11:32

and then I usually drink you know pretty much to access every single night of my life so I mean I'm not saying this is a good thing and I'm certainly not bragging because I see people that are sober and I get jealous of him I'm like wow what would that be like 2 and I wake up feeling good everyday I did I'm so committed to it I don't understand that I mean I understand why I won't just let it go but it's such a big part of you know who people perceive me to be but it's also just a big part of how I perceive me to be 12 people who perceive you to be they perceive you like if anyone has ever asked me what's wrong white like he's like you have the benefit of you don't have an act like you're not putting on an act but you are a character

► 00:12:32

but you did. But is it true you are it's so much better if people found out you were some teetotaling got like you're seeing somebody drinks fake shot on stage yeah that's a rough place to be pretending to be boozing it up with a crowd come on text me Martin as well and I hear that but I feel I've seen him I got was drunk and if you go watch movies he was and he was not a good actor so he was acting in Frost Foster Brooks were in the same one and Brooks was just so good and so edgy and but you could tell which one was really drunk and

► 00:13:31

or maybe people just wanted to say that because it's a little story right and I watch any Amazon Prime you receive that show The Marvelous mrs. maisel about stand-up comic I just finished something today so I'm looking for the next season 2 as much reward is much props if they did I like both seasons but there's a woman in it was my point who has an she's putting on an act like she's is really high falutin lady who pretends to be this chick from Queens and she puts on a fat suit and in does this act and it drives mrs. maisel fucking crazy she hates it

► 00:14:31

and stock shit about her and start them out at spoiler alert I won't say anymore but just that trap of being a character where I pretended to be something that you're not in this might be a little bit of a stretch Joe I don't know but do you know what it is that think that's why Steve Martin quit because he was a parody of a comedian and which was brilliant and then so funny let's get small was one of my favorite albums ever and I'd I took it with me everywhere I went and played it for people and then took credit for how good it was even though I really had very little to do with it except for spending the money I remember when I was a kid I listen to that long before I ever did stand-up he was fucking great God damn stupid 45,000 people at night when he when he quit I think that was the problem I think he just got over I think I think he's like a lot of comedians

► 00:15:31

they feel a lot you know they're not dumb people they feel a lot I think for him like this every that's why I'm drinking a way to get in touch with those features it's damaged feels a lot and everybody's a comic is damaged you know what I think of that I think with Steve Martin he was just so big man I think he's bigger than you or I combined like he just would go on stage and they would go fucking crazy didn't make sense to pee bright and would lend out so difficult for him to perform yeah yeah yeah so it did and he's done is been crazy crazy successful and I'd love to go see the band Kathy Nelson

► 00:16:30

she would see the band and went back and talked to him said it was great while we lived in the same town for a while and I'd like to meet him but I never ran into Jonathan Winters there a couple of times and I just that I saw that was the second time I saw him the first time I saw him was that he was having lunch by himself and and that was with another time when we went over there and said hi or later we're like what we got to go so he was so see who the fuck was like him think of that

► 00:17:25

yeah that start with something that's what I got this theory that there's two kinds of comic Bridge Builders and people that walk across those bridges big Walker yeah I didn't even been any of this stuff I think Richard Pryor and Lenny Bruce those are the big ones and then Tennessee I can I sing because Janice and taught us that somebody can genuinely not like you and you can still make them that you can punch down as low as you want as long as it's funny as long as funny as long as you're good at fucking bit that he had about starving children to this day I had an argument with a guy on the podcast about it was telling me that you commonly punches up I go that's crazy Kinison to the best bits of all time they're both punching down one was about starving kids the other was about necrophiliacs

► 00:18:25

right now I thought those bits were fucking genius and it's the same with the same with 911 you know if you're good enough

► 00:18:37

have a rider you can do material about that but if you but it but you better be good you better have somewhere to go in and I would like the week afterwards the guy that was some guy that was the opening act was trying to rip on it and I got him over the side and I said hey dude. This is my stage right here in normally I don't tell if the comics what to do but until you have something to say about it that's that's really really funny you just I don't want you bringing it up that's a tough one cuz you could kill the whole show some middle that goes on and you lost friends in the towers and I was a week ago or I may not there's like levels of tragedy that's a real tough one to find humor in I'm not saying that someone can't do it there's people people find comedy and everywhere and it's legit they do right they have a prospectus

► 00:19:37

that's how good I get it I get it I'm not good enough to do it but recently I had a really great point about that he's like all things when someone's trying to be funny they all come from the same place just some of them Miss some of them aren't funny you can't get mad at though right because it came from the same place I tried but didn't do not trying to be mean the response one that's like I off you know. Maybe a little bit too harsh or maybe a little too soon like people get so fucking mad or I will you say that I did and it was really funny and but it it just stirred the pot so much

► 00:20:37

that's not what I said it all I made a joke that's it and and you do that too I mean you stir up the pot big time it's great and you'll just go watch this

► 00:20:52

though and if you have a point in you you really are trying real hard to be a good person he's had a point I just have a point on things I'm going to say it I get mad but I'm not saying it to be a bad guy I'm saying I do for a living so why do we find things you know where was telling me that he did that Caroline's in New York City was like it was almost like a college gig is like you people are so sensitive now in New York. Just did the VFW Hall in Hollywood and the it and I was calling him about another comic that I wanted that we was talking to the bar I thought he was really funny and I now I can't remember his name Joe

► 00:21:40

the DeRosa

► 00:21:43

and I called him and he goes yeah I know he's really good gin and and he goes about I come over and do it took a bunch of trump stuff and and get my fans are pretty split down the middle but it did not go over well and he didn't give a Fiddler's fuck about it and 20 minutes of that and then we both like a year so he looks great he looks really good looks salmon healthy is it I don't remember anybody getting mad at you for Bush jokes

► 00:22:36

Wright's Dairy just jokes right even if you were like a bush supporter you could crack a joke about the Way spells potato or something so I know to give a fuck. Care it was a different thing more supportive Bush by the way that spelled potato wrong it well that's right that's right that's right spelled potato wrong shit that's right it was him bush

► 00:23:07

well send me facts about George W bush is when he was running for governor of Texas he had a completely different way of communicating you talk like a really smart guy is very articulate smooth like the WWE video of him from back in the day when he was running for governor and he's great you listen to my Google is energetic intelligent guys articulate it seems like one of us and then is they had a side-by-side video comparing him to like Bush after 7 years in office he's barely hanging on the reins to Heaven and Hell to Dick Cheney Dick Cheney's in a bunker 7 miles underground making the fairies decisions you know I mean it was weird it was a weird time but you can make fun of bush all day long they were to give a fuck you make fun of trump today people

► 00:24:07

scuffle the other day at the gas station I just got just start spouting out stuff he was putting gas in his car right over there and it is just the End by the first words that you said it's that came out of his mouth from nowhere had to say the word of the guy didn't say hi to him nothing magical owes you the dumbest person that ever lived on this planet and I get faded so easy I just probably not

► 00:24:34

probably not that you're probably wrong probably not

► 00:24:40

Obama was an idiot that he graduated number one from Harvard Law so politically it's probably not stupid

► 00:24:52

and what a good speaker he was the best way I was smooth the most presidential he was he was a guy that you were happy to have represent you what do you believe with his you know the leaving him and support his ideas are not as a representative of our culture of our civilization that guy was smooth and measured and articulate and head off to get out on time but you know he was just saying what he thought he wouldn't read off of a scripted story about Clinton with the with being off the book Clinton was such a good orator that the teleprompter went off at broke like 5 minutes into his fucking speech and he did all that shit by memory

► 00:25:38

is it the whole goddamn thing by memory can I play then add holes of golf with him what you like and it was there still security Secret Service all around it and so it was the private golf course Larry Ellison that owns Oracle owns this private golf course it has 14 he's a big tennis guy so he puts on the tennis stuff out in Palm Springs and nobody plays this course he doesn't play golf and it's just his privates it's a deal he played through our group and Shadow Creek and Beverly Hills in Vegas it really exclusive course impossible to get on it and then he was playing by himself and he was gone the TV box and I said it's Lonely at the Top in alaria goes by himself

► 00:26:38

pretty goes it is friend of his is a record producer rap records big I didn't tell me who it was and didn't tell me who the artist was either but that the artist was off Doug. He's in a Ferrari store and and the salesman goes are you thinking about buying this car and the guy goes no I'm going to buy the car I'm thinking about pussy tell me the story that had the word pussy in it and told me that that's a great fucking story that is a great story

► 00:27:14

that poor bastard just be free the honest Bill Clinton draft restore I did I didn't want to rush you smart you know you don't got 40 years left to live a dash of my pecker Ride in her mouth that's what I would have done the whole idea be in the fucking number one guy you got to be so goddamn pussy hungry to want to be the number one guy

► 00:27:49

you got to have big appetites search for sure everything everything everything men have dinner in power positions to just be horny as fuck of course we got to go back to the way we want these people to behave is so contrary any King ever behaved ever in history like the stories of Kings throughout history was always decadence it was always you know all these people feeding them grapes and sores is like those people were just gluttons today for the super gluttons of the world

► 00:28:45

and we don't like that then we try to turn someone into some Norman Rockwell person right in that doesn't work either so we don't have enough you know if you don't have enough Charisma to lead a baby get a trumpet showing us. You can talk shit about him 24/7 365 days a year he's not adjusting anything in fact he digs his heels and he just seemed to matter what happens I really don't like to get into my chest and the reason is I just don't feel like it's my job I feel like your job my job is different than my job is to go up there and just yeah I'll make him laughing at me but I don't want to be divisive you know I just don't want to do it because it's my fan base is split and you know I've had

► 00:29:34

nothing ever really happens but I add a guy one time because I said something to meet and greet who who is paid to take a picture of me and then refuse to take a picture of me because of what I said and take a picture leave that I don't give a shit people follow you on Instagram to run white right goddamn, follow you and I know it didn't matter and I said you can't leave all the plants will die

► 00:30:16

whatever you're in a state of mind quote Bill Murray yeah people just so mean just want to hurt you runway for no reason yeah but nobody

► 00:30:28

I've already been as mad as I can be and I'll never be mad at her and it happened when I was 16 years old so it's hard to make me mad and I'll tell you what made me mad I just got my driver's license my mother asked me to go to the store to get something it's in the summer in Houston I don't have any shoes on I hope my doorstep into a shity Pampers that somebody just thrown in the parking lot in my Village and I didn't just put a toe in and go out that's babyshit that's wrong I just shove my whole foot into a dream babyshit coming through my toes smears all over the diaper right so I'm stuck I don't know what to do I'm not going to get back in my mother's car with this shity foot I can't go into the store with baby shit all over my foot and I thought about just cutting my foot off and just leave it in the diaper with a note is it used to be a perfectly good fucking foot dude

► 00:31:24

and nobody's ever made me that mad since I was so fucking furious and I just wanted to hate and kill and butt over a shity tamper that's crazy that was all it took that's all it took that's all it took it was so I've been stuck with mature bus and and party with my buddy Steve if you're my best friend my road manager who passed away and he never gets laid but it look like he had an angle on this girl so I picked up my beer and went back to the my bedroom which I never do I set up here and drink with the guys and I go back there too just to go to sleep but I never take booze bag there or anything in it but I'm going back there and lay down and I put that the Dos Equis bottle on the counter and then we took off during the night while I was real drunk and Steven real drunk in the bottle falls off and breaks down here it

► 00:32:24

Joe in the mail tonight and I bet you're tired cuz you want to try to get those beds towards them Center cuz it's on those axles anyway but it'll be closer to the center of the better it feels when you're in it so you kind of slide off of it about an inch and my foot went into the bottom of the beer bottle at A Shard hanging off of it about an inch and a half long and and I just spent a land on it will now I know exactly what it was and and somebody had hit the master lights so I can't turn the lights on you have to go back and turn them on on the master switch but I know that around me is broken glass everywhere cuz I understand what happened I understand that bottle fail broke and I got it in my foot so I pull my foot up

► 00:33:09

and I didn't know how big the Shard was and I just pull it out of their blood just starts gushing out with Steve's passed out in the bunk and he can't hear me I can't get to a phone I can't see so what do I do I just crawl back in bed and went to sleep and bled and Steve said the next morning we like somebody killed a hog and they're in and is lifted up the sheets him in the bus Traverse on my foot in there like I like this. Did you do worry about bleeding out and cut the other foot and I wasn't Within Reach I was just stuck in drunk and bleeding

► 00:34:08

element 13 stitches on the bottom of my foot arch and it was a you realize how much you need them walk somewhere and get something is a real problem operation or something oh yeah so it's a real problem real problem me everyday

► 00:34:49

everyday I can't not every day but everyday I can golf is one of those games man. Just get fucking in the Gulf it's it's as if it's something that you do and you've always done and and you just you just keep doing it then I will watch it on television like it's a Soap Opera Digest watch 80 hours of the players it also gives me a reason not to exercise you know cuz I got this golf to watch him give you some exercise though that's a fact you are walking around and you thinking you know he plan and shit out looking at the curves of that thinking grass and now you're trying to work out solve problems and

► 00:35:36

so I guess I'm just terrified terrified I'll be one of you guys out there every day. Every time they get a chance the guys that play with you yeah if you can pull it off it's like a gentleman's Leisure Way of Life Club, that's how I feel today I start playing with his like 13 and so I would just go to a golf course and you know she moves out a deal where I can play golf there every day and that you need to do during the day in clubs for 15 years right and I'm doing 48 weeks and I'm making 500 a week or whatever it was when I started and get out of the middle act out there you have to work them all at your house because you needed the $500 real bad like to reminisce

► 00:36:33

it's a good thing for me that this was the path of least resistance right cuz I stand up I'd be a regional marijuana distributor in the state of Texas in a in an industry that has some questions coming up so you know I did it because I loved it but it was also fun fun fun and and and it was easy for me I didn't have to travel because I I like drinking free and bars and and and and now practicing this art form and in a thought it would go where it went you know if people ask me how well I did it and I was right there when it happened. I have no idea I barely remember it for a little bit

► 00:37:29

the factors of really really really good PGA player from the same town I lived in that played golf every day where I played golf I didn't know you would have been in

► 00:37:45

let's figure it out it would have he would have been in like twenty one or two now and he wasn't even in the heat for this Colonel Abraham ancer is his name and I was born in Reynosa Mexico ways actually born cross the border cuz there's no wall right that you just come over there and have a baby so that there's no but his parents must have been fairly well off for that part of the world you know how to do that but he's great he's great and I dig it because you know what I see where we came from exactly you know for my son made a hole-in-one what was 8 years old was on the Confessor golf course in Reynosa Mexico how many holes in one does a guy get in his career

► 00:38:27

I've had one

► 00:38:30

my son's had one and you know it. I like the big guys maybe 16 17 18 yeah I am only one there's no equivalent in any other game on a par-5 so that means you suck a hole from

► 00:38:57

262 262 yards out of you made it on the second shot weigh less weigh less red because I could be that much is 125 yard so you know and then most of them are made on those longer 185 but yeah you're not you guys like me are hitting the part 3 from univ 235 about it I guess there's nothing like that in any other game or sport hole-in-one or just works out perfect maybe a walk-off Grand Slam or you know you don't get many chances at that grand slam but pitch at you you're definitely going to hit the ball it's right there right there

► 00:39:57

me and you might not have a good lay but you're definitely going to hit my sandals red chair while if you get a foul ball you got to play it going to go find it seems like the odds of you getting a hole-in-one must be off the charts must be like a thousand and one or a hundred thousand and one or something crazy like that

► 00:40:21

Carolyn won the 11th day ever played golf in front of me and his coach and his best friend and it was a 95-yard part 3 from the regular women cheese with the US kids club driver that I still have wow and and it just straight at the hall Hidden Creek golf swing kids if you treat them or any of his golf coach was good even though they spoke a different language they did they understood golf in the NIT how to teach him that swing and so it was good at it and he didn't really play much anymore it is not a thing but that's why I roll right in the middle of a cup

► 00:41:12

and I got at this point I've been playing golf for 30 years and I've never done it so it was the year that was registered and then like two weeks later a six-year-old was like all the joy out of the mailbox you turn off a perfect golf shot golf shot that's a hard thing to learn right that's why it's a thing that you learned how to aim it it's like a bow and arrow you know even though that's a little easier to teach somebody how to do but to do it exceptionally well you know it's it's it's not easy to do and a slingshot how to get the power at the right spot or or even flag casting is not power

► 00:42:12

everywhere it power in the right spot with of the wrist once you learn how to hit a good solid golf shot and the ball comes off the way it's supposed to its benefits blessed brain cancer so they had done a surgery on him that it just dance cars down his neck down his back where they were trying too hard they were they were shooting it should have had a death sentence we just weren't saying it out loud and we were at my place in Montecito

► 00:42:57

and now we're throwing everything at this cancer but the kitchen saying can we were looking for the fucking sing and and and it is Steve does Moscato Golf Course man yells I'll help you reach him but she was always good at reading fights we've been playing golf since we were little kids we've known each other since we were six and and so when I got my clubs out his clothes were in there too

► 00:43:19

so he reached into his pill bag and takes another pill pain pill

► 00:43:25

Afroman on there at Yale I might take a swing so he did off the First Tee Box and it hurt and it wasn't very good and and Eddy just win stand but every once in a while he'd put a ball down and just hit it and when we get to the 17 calls part 367 yards long and his driver and edit face off a little bit the rabbit caught and so it was up kind of by the World by by the green but the pain was kind of on the other side and I was like great and so he gets a Chip Shot which is easier to do when he's always really really been good at that about seven feet and I'm like oh my God he's got a 7-foot for a par and he makes it and it's dying man

► 00:44:16

gets the biggest grin of ever seen in my life and it was crooked cuz his muscles have been cut but it just brought him pure fucking joy and that I got to see The Last Forever by so and then I got to witness that you know Joyce that's awesome I get it I think it's like in any difficult game like that I guess it'll be like that with a lot of games but there's something about golf to there it's very physical and you doing it outside it's one of the only things you have to do outside in other than I guess you could do Tennyson side like I did I walk I walk from the golf cart to the ball suicides happen

► 00:45:16

is to keep my lower back and my piano keep everything moving around and I'm 62 years old then and so that's just getting harder to do and then unless you keep you know you got to keep those muscles stretched out to be able to do things like that with the anything where you're moving your body is a unit martial arts stuff or anyting all the moving Parts when you're a kid you just fucking hit the gas

► 00:45:56

when you hit 50 you better be no you're swinging a tennis racket or something like that you better be aware of your shoulders and you need all these moving Parts out of you 5151

► 00:46:08

462 I'm not waiting

► 00:46:13

what's up tiger in your back surgeries another one tear lumbar interbody Fusion all that stuff using his dicks many thought many thought is discs to me to call career was over in his fourth surgery since March of 2014 which involves removing the L5 S1 intervertebral disc Shannon servings fusion material to connect the L5 and S1 vertebral Watts oh my God all those apparently recovered quite well from the operation of surgery is quite rare among professional golfers one of the PGA player Dudley Hart had also I had had a few gin in the same location as Woods fucking fusions rough man that means there's no disc left

► 00:47:13

the whatever they call the FedEx Cup the last tournament of the year last year so he came back from that's incredible is it East Lake and Atlanta and it and I do all their all their charity stuff out that's the footage of him going up the 18th green he's about to win this thing and it's this is the top 30 golfers in the on the PGA tour which is the toughest two are there is these people Jasmine that would support that everybody know crowd control that I have no idea was right up there I was right up there above this green cuz I called it a couple of breath with the whole thing

► 00:48:13

come back you know that was the comeback people said would never happen during a never judge is back. Is back hell of a lot from people after his divorce in sex scandal he had a rough for a long time

► 00:48:40

people were coming after him but that the thing is about those back surgeries is a wonder why they did the fusion cuz I think they do articulating discs now if it seemed to be very effective at you know I think he tried to give me a boy at 4 so

► 00:49:01

can people I know a few people that are doing those they've got those disks down they put like a titanium movable disc nicely takes the place of the disc that's in the in your back Eddie Bravo had that done

► 00:49:16

play all these okay programs increase koppers performance via and anterior approach is that it's Bears the large muscles of the back that are critical to golf swing which potentially makes the recovery for athletes athletes a bit easier

► 00:49:37

imagine whoever was looking at tigers back was about the best person in the world to be looking at it so I'm sure they would have he had a pretty big budget for it

► 00:49:47

yeah I mean you would want me and they must have like really calculated it that was what the best move was maybe if they put an artificial disc you would it move funny I'm good

► 00:49:59

I don't know man that hold the back things rough when you have runny back problems I don't have a lot of any kind of problems except a little squeaker and I play golf with guys it in these programs and most of them you know football basketball players and most of them around my age and most of them are in pain you know that turns out smoking pot watching cartoons good for your knees by a fine and you know I didn't got sucked but I was on the golf Damon Junior High and high school football team is good for the joints probably after the fucking

► 00:50:50

what does the knees and ankles who we were talking to a Camaro Usman yesterday it was UFC welterweight champion he's at 5 knee surgeries both of his knees are basically bone-on-bone can't run anymore at all kinds crazy out with nothing destroys people with no reason just fight you destroyed the best he just beat Tyron Woodley who was the best before him is fucking crazy I mean when they laugh so hard when you go I understand I love that guy genius he figured out a way to be himself he forgot his Instagram page anything fuking crazy going on the world Derrick Lewis has it on Instagram page is Instagram page of the best people found out about it I gave him a shout out his Instagram page on one of the UFC broadcast and it now it's not like

► 00:51:49

it's fucking chaos videos deleted and removed but apparently that leave them up there I mean they're not threatening to take him down I don't think it's where I go to look at it at any fucking dummy that's trying like a tire and fly through the air and smash the roof of a motorcycle wheelies and they fall anything fucked up on the Internet there going to be anything crazy like that you know like right after a fight

► 00:52:31

he starts selling T-shirts after his my balls is hot t-shirt so they don't listen

► 00:52:50

please I need one of those shirts I need one of those shirts please Derek oh my God is the best character fight his ass off to what

► 00:53:07

how many fights do you do now and does anybody care about a fight you don't announce year the big pay-per-views yeah there's a lot of them that are overseas

► 00:53:23

but they want you to be the voice ride the time and all the time with all with the podcast with doing stand-up and you know making Netflix specials and shit there is no time right now I know there's none like it better when I do it once a month like what's like with 10 times a year is based be once a month or I like that I like that better because it seems like that some Tire profile stuff reminder of there's a lot of fights that are not that high profile that I lost like they're Crosby Stills and Nash and your young right you just pop in and do the Big Show's and it's funny people yeah I care as much I loved having it man I love doing I still do but are you a lot and I admire you for a lot of reasons but one of them is that you're famous for a lot of things and some people don't know you was all of those things I don't know if anybody does will probably because they

► 00:54:23

list of the podcast there's millions of them still there

► 00:54:27

I don't think I don't think this is common for people to know how good a comedian you are you know the course they don't unless they've seen you live because they might think of you is the guy from Fear Factor or the or the man show or or UFC and you're famous for all those things and stand up comedy that's a that's that's crazy but I but I but I find I find myself defending you sometimes going listen to his fucking stand up your watch turn on Netflix and it's really really good stuff he's one of the only people that really makes me laugh and and and I feel like I'm out here spreading the word reaches the entire universe and I'm explaining Joe Rogan two people so listen I love you and I appreciate you so you saying that to me means lots of thank you well that's anyway

► 00:55:27

goodfoot I'm saying it is and I'm not over it I'm just not over it it's a good thing to be angry if you can have in your life that's why it was so what would a lot of a grocery store Jimmy will we tell me the Conor McGregor is mad at me for something will be saying I talked Off Script inscribed call fights on it's not really true cuz no one ever gives me script that's fact I mean I don't know what exactly he said but maybe just didn't like my, I bet he likes it when he wins all right you know right here in the studio

► 00:56:27

play instead of reading off a script oh well sometimes people think that but you know it's very difficult when someone's calling your fight if he's talking about me calling someone's fight is not his friend then that that makes much more sense it's fucking hard man I it's hard for me it's I have a really hard time calling friends fights that's fucking hard I don't even know a lot of people don't know him that well but I like him a lot of respect for sure

► 00:57:04

how do you spell spray foam and it's crazy inside crate gases may be associated with

► 00:57:23

guys slept for McGregor baby at your baby so he's not going to do much to ask you if you do the podcast this position as good as a hard fight but like the last night but I had to call it with the knowledge of the last fight I had to know what happened in the last fight in the last fight Diaz survive the storm tag them how to Brockton then finish them on the ground doesn't mean that he didn't win the second fight it was closed fucking fight the second I was very close fight but you have to acknowledge that that of the fight took place they also said it like with a smile should have individuals to ever compete the sport he's a special person very special person very unusual. Even if he doesn't beat khabib ever again or you know he loses to

► 00:58:23

guy loses to the Floyd Mayweather who cares he's still one of a fucking billion human being is an unusual guy the amount of electricity fucking good man he starts Jose Aldo is one of the greatest featherweights about the greatest next to Max Holloway of all-time starting with one punch when all those although although was the man I mean he was the man he was smashing everybody for years and Connor talk so much to him and climb so deep inside his head and infuriated him to the point where so emotional and he came charging at Connor & Connor just slip back and think dropped like the best one punch knockout in the history of the sport coat of shit because it was so significant do so much hype behind it it it was a guy wear like how good is this guy's just got really the next big thing or is he going to fall apart when he meets a real Champion like Aldo and then he knocks him out with one fuck

► 00:59:23

punch it was crazy that hammer Fist and why's that was on the ground memes finitive hopping Sidekick is gauge in the distance he's got like his karate stance and then he sees Jose a load up here you watch right here he sees Jose a load up and when he sees Josie load up he he had this fight one can I play he had this fight one even before I mean Hindu what how it was going to go down he knew what all those going to do is real emotional and angry so we knew was going to come forward so he's gauge

► 01:00:00

it's I mean I was like one of the most spectacular Kos in the history of the sport because it had so much meaning to it was so important it was for the featherweight champion of the world conard already won the interim title him and also facing each other this big hype thing to bring a year to put together crazy he's awesome did you call that oh yeah I think the only time I've ever yelled out he slept them when someone got crack I have it just I just yelled it out of stuff is that that's what he did he slapped him I saw that special about that guy who announces for World Wrestling or professional wrestling

► 01:01:00

he's a star in that sounds like it is a book I still at work remember the guys name and then he's like fall off into this crazy to precious thing and then they need to come back and get you that was it was it moral Showtime boxing to what's that

► 01:01:44

is that your phone Ron

► 01:01:47

is it your fault that sings Back in Black

► 01:01:54

I think the specials called bipolar rock-and-roller yeah he's a great announcer a really really nice guy too but yeah he suffers from mental illness and he does a really good job of a talking about it and making sure that other people know that this is not something that you should be ashamed of you know

► 01:02:15

what's going on is this for my son love you Dad in the middle of nowhere for no reason at all that's awesome man

► 01:02:25

Ron White getting some love but yeah more Morrow is he used to do Pride he's deprived commentary he's done a lot of boxing did Showtime boxing he does WWE MMA shit to you know a bunch of different organizations they even did glory for a while he does Bellator to you does Bellator is really good guy but yeah mental illness is a weird going 80 even if you don't know anything about it

► 01:03:05

I love wrestling when I was a kid and I was a big Wahoo McDaniels fan yeah this is this guy he was a Dallas Cowboy one-time-use from Midland Texas and he was Cherokee Indian comedian the right it was like shaking green or somebody right then he looks like a cat that is what it is. My cousin is a few years older than me in this little town north of Amarillo it's a we go down down down down to Amarillo and he's going to take us to the sportatorium to watch the Super Inferno

► 01:04:03

do I hate it I mean this is all on u local television all over the few no taxes and they and the end they put the one of the stops was there then and if so we went that I don't think I'd been to one yet and I'll get my first one and and I love Wahoo McDaniels cuz he gets out of there and just say he's out of it and fun and I would have just loved and loved him and he was like Russian or something you know something that they were there was easy because we were all the propaganda we're getting about rush it was like their women are ugly and like milk or not you know it took me awhile to Pittsburgh

► 01:04:54

because we talked so bad about my relatives about Pittsburgh cuz they hated the Steelers and I just had this image of Pittsburgh of this dark cloudy people been over Greg in the face and first time I drove into Pittsburgh I was like oh yeah it's it's always again it's always been a big a big stop for me I mean once I get out of the club yeah Pittsburgh's Craig Cleveland another one that's very underrated at improv down in the flats man up and let that is right there in the parking lot and Wednesdays hundred and ten cities last year and then

► 01:05:48

wow you know that I try to do so that's when I'm in town and and the and I should do more you know I got to have a store though

► 01:05:58

you know what's great yeah I went to the memorial and Brody's and you know I'd like to just tell your listeners that you never know when it's going to be the last time you see somebody so don't ever ever hesitate to say I'm going to need that money can't get it from their mother at the funeral good point that so don't forget that every time I saw Brody I gave him a hug that's one thing the protein I always have been caught with always always every single time I saw Brody gave him a big hug like he was a big hugger yeah it's important to me to be a part of the comedy community and I'll participate in it do you have if you are out there and you're a comedian

► 01:06:55

and you want to be a comedian you can be a comedian but you got to go be a comedian who got to do it every day and never pass up an opportunity to get behind that microphone whether it says 8 or 10 million people to listen to this or the 65 people in whatever doesn't matter that matter to me you got to do it all the time it's only way to do it all the time you lose the touch with the reality of it pays Rhythm and how comfortable you are in any situation you know this situation is just me and you talking or 26 people I play The Laughing Skull and Atlanta to 65 people sold out as one of the hottest rooms I've ever had my hands I love you. Please couple years ago when I lived out there and what a great place to practice

► 01:07:55

that's a great little spot little comedy community you know where you got up in Commerce that are really working on it. It really appreciate getting to know whether a couple of guys that won Last Comic Standing came out of Atlanta that's great I'm so bad with names like but if you stop and think how many real comedy communities are there in the country of 10 you think there's 10

► 01:08:34

well get out St Louis has always had one Chicago's always had was Denver's always had one in for sell a New York Houston established in Greenland pineapple District Houston to ignore me

► 01:09:00

set it off and I'll be there in a in and I know that some of those guy didn't like me because I don't I don't know why I don't know why but they were really really click is there one that had a horrible set and and I was following Hicks and really green show but then the right circumstance you know in a comedy club with nothing great happening before you it kind of worked a little bit at all and a little more work than those guys were some of them and they're like he sucks as I say that to make the story better I wasn't following text but he was but they were both are okay but I had done set

► 01:10:00

light up but I never felt like they have like me except for Higgs and I came to see him you know Doo Doo shows and I I asked him to do the story about the John Davidson in the man and the any goes because he says he goes don't stand next to the exits just to tip because people just walk out of the show when he do that he did that at the next time we stop in Boston and the clear the fucking room and it was was crazy because at the end of the show there was me and Greg Fitzsimmons and it maybe three or four other Comics at five or six people in the crowd there's like maybe 20 people left alt alt are fucking ass right everybody else is getting up angry I saw it go both ways you know I've seen crowds to death

► 01:11:00

that's why I said one night at the last stop in Austin and nobody in the room could breathe and he was in the mood to do it and you know it and I think sometimes he was and sometimes he wasn't yeah whatever but he was in the mood and decided to just fucking stab us all in the face and it is and it was it was beautiful he was exceptional you know whether or not people think he was one of the greats it like that's entirely subjectional right it's subjective it's completely up to your own interpretation but to me he change, in a lot of ways because he when he made people talk about things that were important cuz everybody else to talk about nonsense you talking about airline food in how come I can't leave my seat back standard normal shit I'm following like to hear about a positive drug stories

► 01:12:00

is it all matter is energy condensed to a slow vibration I think I can say this about Bill Hicks in the end I am an expert at stand-up comedy I would have a triple doctorate in if you gave those kinds of things for the work I've the amount of time I put into it inside and have the exact same thing for me to listen to someone's opinion about stand-up comedy they have to have a lot of credit to me or I really give a shit what they think okay so here's what you should think

► 01:12:48

the only thing that every time I make from my generation agrees on is he was better than us and that's the only thing that they agree on it and then they are and I can't find anybody that has a big argument that he wasn't that was either the best that ever lived know but did he influence me more than anybody else and you probably more than anybody else because you're certainly that way also write some up somebody built that bridge yes and you and now you feel free to talk about anything you know none of yours act as ever had you know there was a lot of facts but I think people not to be shameful cured of of ceiling material

► 01:13:48

damn business without wondering where is that crazy but here's the thing they they they get the skies that there's a video of this guy doing a massage so they've got video of it right and at the end the girl jerks mom if she didn't jerk them off what if she just gave him a massage what kind of a fucked-up invasion of his privacy if you just went in there to get a massage right the charges so I don't know what happened really here at everybody else I need to stay up above ground kids took some comfort there been in my thoughts as if Paul Simon Wells Road and

► 01:14:43

okay I'm not I'm getting what I'm not going to say it because it's just that it's not it's not

► 01:14:56

yeah and then that's fine why is it would go to a place like that like he's so rich no further a cleaner the English actor that got caught with the Elizabeth Hurley's husband Hugh Grant that's right ruthlessly hot

► 01:15:41


► 01:15:43

and even I couldn't understand that right I mean because I have been if with a couple of hot chicks before my life but this was he wanted to freaky yeah I get that and it comes back to that appetite thing that guys have you know that I've gotten a handjob from somebody and I admit this and it was the best sex I've ever had in my life because it was somebody that was a number one with a great massage and then this tantric thing going on and and and it was fantastic and and pricey and it's free most anywhere that's in Vegas is legalism you know they have milking tables and have a whole truth and I

► 01:16:43

tell you sleep on your back no but it makes more sense that like a hole in the bottom of the table

► 01:16:52

it'll be on the screen I'm sure soon for the most of the rest of the world it's getting a tug is really not considered a crime of any kind whatsoever and is harmless and who gives a shit and why is it okay to massage your feet but it's not okay to massage it that I think the problem really is sex trafficking that's the problem and then if you have any of the prostitution you know that's the worst thing that I can imagine but it but it but it

► 01:17:44

again I'm not going to be saying it's the most horrific thing and I'm at it until I'm like I just can't even that that I would do you know I would support any anything any way shape or form to have it stomped out spend billions of dollars put boots on the ground will get ocean. If you can in any way you can or trying to be legitimate sex workers whether or not you think that's the thing that you know then there is Barcelona and and their sides don't take pictures of our sex works

► 01:18:44

and go hey this is not a bad deal you know that you know what you're qualified to do

► 01:18:52

make french fries

► 01:18:55

or it turns out you're super hot and then you can our country you can have this job or in a are in this country you can have that job just not everywhere but she has a couple spots in this country Nevada I think that's it but it's to me

► 01:19:21

are Apple Vegas slot right I'm 10 weeks into years of it done right and marijuana is is legal recreationally now and they have the biggest dispensary in the world would you like a like this like Universal made it for something you know it's God when I went in there was fantastic and prostitution is legal you can get a drink of liquor 24 hours a day 7 days a week and I realize that I'm a law-abiding citizen I can be free fresh feel so good when I go to the bank and that's why people cuz you like Vegas do you get tired of it I'm go now you don't want to cuz I can breathe deep motherfuker that's why I can be who I am and I can do it so can everybody else and that's why. 50 shows in a way

► 01:20:21

so that when I got there I do near Amsterdam NY those coffee shop smoking a joint drinking a bad ass cup of coffee would be the fact of the matter is the same thing happens to me in Florida was just a little bit I'm handcuffed

► 01:20:54

taken to jail and and move from City Jail to county jail and process and fingerprinted and photographed they printed my address on the internet so people anybody in the world could just walk straight over to the house I don't think anybody did cuz nobody gives a shit except for a people a few people did Wright Ron White has a jet make alcohol illegal you you made organized crime Bic that's what happened that's what they did learn that from prohibition they should be learning that from all all the drug problems we have in this country will be selling for the price of corn in 20 years because it takes the same amount of effort to grow it right now it's easier easier

► 01:21:54

gigantic problem south of our border folks with drugs and it's because of us to 100% because of us we've been not us like you and me I don't do any drugs they sell the pot that I get from people to grow in California but there's a lot of people that buy coke and few by Coke or meth you probably buying it from someone down there and you know this goddamn thriving industry that would go away if we made things legal to give people like you Ron White you telling me you shouldn't be able to go buy coke who the fuck Aveda tell you you can't buy code for sale you sell tequila kill yourself more fucked up on my jokela ass fucked up as heroin as fuck up is anything else you know I own my own amazingly great tequila

► 01:22:48

I've found myself puking because I'm an idiot and got just too carried away and you know it's probably easy to kill yourself with the killed in this we could do that coke at the end when you're fucking nose is bleeding your heart's pounding on your chat to go take another bump to push yourself over the edge so hard and Scarface t-55 and well ideas that motherfucker can you bring some toys dead rat poison to go do a show right

► 01:23:29

EB Market def fucking cocksucker I went to see him in Austin he was playing in Austin and he's my goat so much fun to watch being said it was great we had a blast to try replicating that in this fucking sanitized world right there's Purell everywhere you turned the thing is if you're a true fact that I believe is a comic or whatever if you're true to your nature

► 01:24:13

that enough people will be attracted to that that you don't that the only mistake you can make is to not be true to your nature right if you look at all the great a really successful comics in the in the history of Comedy did they they were true to who they were I mean Cosby but

► 01:24:37

yeah he he tricked everybody

► 01:24:53

so I never really did that bid on stage I never really did that bid on stage very much can I do it on your show dude fuck yeah let me think about Bill Cosby in the infield is bills defense years ago how much he hates cursing and no one purses more than a wide awake woman who's being raped and that so

► 01:25:23

it's a general joke I know but it made me cry laughing cuz it's so fucked up I mean you look it's both true and fucked up but it is never really found a spot in the opening line up that's an hour and 20 minutes long so what it was I was just a mixture of you it made people think yes it was like baby duck pussy lip tacos that's though it does make sense it's just a funny thing to say have known with his trying to control other people he was always trying to control young black comics and stop them from swearing at the Murphy bed

► 01:26:23

shut the fuk up you get paid

► 01:26:33

that wasn't there's a guy that I'd like to get back in the comedy Eddie Murphy Eddie if you're out there, still there is one best comedy specials of all time I think of all time and he did his thing a lot about stand-up comedy watching Bill Cosby himself he knew how to hold a moment was just his face and no kind of way to fucking people laughing in the audience or cheesy shots from up here where you can't see who it is it was just framed in Rajasthan his face and it was it was gorgeous what I thought about this many times do you think that those people from back in that era from vacuum

► 01:27:33

the 60s in the 50s that they used to drug each other and they didn't think it was as big a deal like that men would do that which would we would consider today to be horrific and the idea that you would take someone's daughter and Drug her and fight his horrific we want violent repercussions Fair that's how I forgot that Final Smash

► 01:27:55

but you think that maybe back then they were ignorant but they didn't know any better what you always hear about people slipping people and Mickey do they think it was cute where they actually do out how many men were doing that back then so conservatively I really can't think outside in that box just watched a documentary about him taking that girl they don't know what happened to her she was 3 years old but they were these dark web sites and I like and look at these images look at those images of the work for social media sites when they have to take down videos on Facebook and things like that like a lot of them like they're taking down these horrific videos like horrible all she all day long these people are just fine

► 01:28:55

doing the things that are like horrible accidents horrible assassinations Isis videos and they just taking him down snake and I'm like I don't want some guy but he looks at anything on the 8th I Love Lucy and stuck in a snake regular size cock so you know the fucking whole holy Camp efukt 5 / love Jim Norton for the same reason why I love you use his just himself like he's not pretending to be anybody he's hidden himself

► 01:29:55

doctor snake who watch men fuck men he loves everything he likes he likes transgender women he gets off on it gets it he talks about all the time to the point where when he was on Opie and Anthony and the one they were in their prime it was like one of the major themes was that Norton is it in do transgender women what's that called I don't know it's called Fridays app I mean there's got to be a name right for this probably like slang term for it or in this probably some sort of you know anybody knew what that was it would be you have never heard Jamie you think there's a word for due to really into transgender women I bet there is if there is a we can probably just got to do when a man is now a woman right right right not a woman that sell a man right Packers which is a man who's not one was still has a dick

► 01:30:56

and she can beg you damn right she's your girlfriend and she can lock your ass I had I had I had sex with a woman that was a few play for the WNBA she said six 3 but I know she was a full head taller than me and she was so tall she could stick a finger in my ass well grrm for so long that she could reach around while I was and stick a finger in my ass and I'm like let's just go to the church and I will get married with children that are big funny dude come on in my search here I haven't found that term but I never heard her lesbian lesbian man a lesbian man was that mean it's a it's a

► 01:31:51

it's a is a man who turns himself into a woman but he still likes women by women oh. And he's not in the guys I've never heard that so I just saw a lesbian man sexual that just opens the filled up all the way. Shut it down that you're right and who's going to a lesbian man imagine it's like that's all you you put the bat signal out I'm a lesbian man I'm just looking for gas to Peg me I've heard this a lot of them that would want to fuck you just for Revenge

► 01:32:38

how much of that is women that why is it that they're pretty women don't seem to have any problem then I took a lot of them are like pretty easy-going about men but if you have bad genetics like you got Delta wrong in the stick that's that is if there's like people talk about income inequality in this country and that's definitely a real thing but if there's a real things like who do people want to fucking quality in this country that's off the goddamn charts right

► 01:33:07

religious as men and as women we just have to we have to understand some people they have a unearned tyranny on sexual affection it's unearned didn't have to do anything. Like he's rushing one of the people lying to you about where I got to meet them and you go Jesus it's just Russian Gladiator genetics and perfect like model for me like holy Shield get the fuck out of this room quick

► 01:33:41

and I rented the like the back quarter that I've ever had the same spot Oprah stays in and it cost a fortune and I'm at we're out on the deck and then there's two big sweets in the middle in another one just like mine at the end but the one that was in this one which was also a real expensive room was this Russian dude and he was short guy chunky and bald but the girl that was with him was just a 12 and I knew his second I saw I was fucked because there's no way my wife is not going to catch me just at least taking one little Glimpse at the corner.

► 01:34:29

absolutely not why would I that's outrageous what an outrageous assertion

► 01:34:38

what an accusation

► 01:34:42

if you only knew how vulnerable we are to woman like that like that woman can there's a lot of people that that woman can like run their life and they have them meet a guy who's an accountant who's never fucked at 12 and they'll start talking to him and basically and you can do anything they want to do as long as they're willing to actually touch him willing to stick together skin beautiful tongues out guys mouth he's helpless to suck on his lips and grind that pussy rub stick your tongue down throat is dick is hard as a rock

► 01:35:23

please if never happened to this man there goes the neighborhood right back the car up to the house throw the ice tea and Body Count

► 01:35:42

phuc yea there certain women that you could think just run you could be careful let's get you. If you were if you not if you're not here's the thing how much of that black for dudes who you do certain cases where you know it's not going to work like god dammit this dude he's like a small sheep and he married a wolf or get the fuck out of Dodge and hopefully he'll still be alive this is not going to work out but we've all seen that before I wish I could tell you the story I wish you could to resume in 10 minutes okay alright let me tell you the story cuz I just don't want to say I understand

► 01:36:42

vacations can I know

► 01:36:49

no I don't think so and it's the truth okay so I'll just say it's called the gentleman would you want to call it let's let's call him Todd Blaker Todd Lincoln

► 01:37:09

slow down love the keys are hover and Riley and I will not tell you it was amazing was I saw it happening in front of me is his wife was there they've been married for a long time and he didn't like much and and and at all

► 01:37:49

and and and it was a kind of an assistant and that was exactly that's what he was completely powerless over this person you know when you get back with you just Hypnotize by Windows as missed right or body with Joseph through the window

► 01:38:49

what was Kathleen Turner back in the desert

► 01:38:53

how does it get to get you were so sexy meet you develop some health problems as she got older but when she was young holy it was amazing yeah it was a lot of ever feel like rubbing one-off thinking about me I owe you a few so go ahead and do it. It's hard to pawn when you watch them like a man's struggle with the fucking spider's web me like well hey man you know it'll be fun when she does fuck you right as long as you can stay close to her daughter get too much money has the contract so there goes that part of it but I think the paperwork was fairly solid and towards the end of like a limited or whatever Elkin. Everybody

► 01:39:53

I knew a guy was about to marry gallon shouldn't and he was trying to do with no prenuptial and my friends were screaming at him like what the fuck are you talking about it's like look man I don't know if it if it doesn't work out I'd like her to have half and then what

► 01:40:17

it's almost like you know it like you wish you had garlic to put around here and now you're telling Noah about the flood

► 01:40:24

show really said to manage it is a very bad ugly she's not okay understand this world is not fair the reality of you made enough money to attract her but she's got to just got a web and you might get hooked you might get injected or you might be able to figure out a way to keep her nervous

► 01:40:46

write how you do that Jeff sterious bro. I have like a book is that how you did a special books that you read you got to be moody got to go on early morning runs while they're still sleep getting it show Powers been doing any of these things haven't done one of these yeah you got to be willing to give up a lot of money you're not going to do to get a hotwife you have a certain amount of time before she gets bored with you cuz Lord right what I think is going to happen that's within the next thing that exact same thing what I've seen that happen yeah I've been friends with a lot of people that's happened what I think is going to happen within the next 50 years is there going to be able to eliminate the idea of unattractive people

► 01:41:41

legitimately through DNA I think they're going to do that when we were kids no internet no fake tits sometimes people just unattractive no one knew anything about diet nobody worked out nobody worked out when I was in high school and we fucking work dudes would like bench press and shit be thou like how many women lifting weights we were in high school cheerleaders were in good shape for a little while movement started my dude when Rocky came out I think I was seven and I drink raw eggs and ran around the block I told Sylvester Stallone that. That one single bit of holy shit I want to be a fighter I started drinking eggs and running ever ran was seven-years-old fuck my doing running maybe I was eight

► 01:42:44

was amazing you guys ate let me know how old I was but I remembered my came out never been more inspired for something in my life a movie change the world lives on my street with a fucking way to the Saint and shit run with Converse All Stars one of the reasons why I went to this day they might not be all stars they might be kids might be like some cheap Walmart version

► 01:43:18

who knows but this is some fucking epic shit in the 1970s what year was this movie

► 01:43:25

what you do say guess what year do you think it was I want to say like 79-76 was the rematch Apollo Creed exactly what I believed was Alabama and he drove a 19-7 that you drove the bicentennial Vega right so it was a Vega the 76 may go head-to-head 76 you know some things that we celebrate the sesquicentennial or whatever it was

► 01:44:06

that was a good price 200 years ago

► 01:44:12

that was nine years over this movie came out instead of all that was

► 01:44:17

I got to tell you the techniques off. Good pizza needs to tighten up on the swing with the way is throwing punches. 1 intro weathers this is in Rocky to write Rocky to Carl Weathers became is it was Rocky 3 3 right because that was when he fought mixed up in this right right a woman to wish you had a real man bring your pretty little self show you real man how I didn't even finish up so here's what I have my first encounter with police I found out that the bad guys were coming out of one side and one dressing room and the good guys to come out the other

► 01:45:17

that's why I went up to the sand and waited for the super Inferno to come out and when he came out I spit on him I just spit on him in a big old city by M83

► 01:45:34

you spit on him and then the cops on me do and they came and got me and they took me to my cousin and you spit on the super Inferno and he was like oh I did horrible and if he doesn't get anything you just keep going and something afterwards my cousin thought it was hilarious that's a story I was trying to put him out I get it now

► 01:46:02

I don't think I've ever been to see a live professional wrestling match other than Eleanor Kerrigan from The Comedy Store for 10 minutes of my last special on him for love but I remember

► 01:46:28

he loves it he does not show the four what is it called for stormin Norman did they do a wrestling podcast from The Comedy Store with a bunch of the comics guys but yeah he loves it was like dude with me you love it

► 01:46:53

I love it when I was a kid that's the store Horsemen store Horsemen perfect Venture with him Poncho I did it once Tony Hinchcliffe Johnny skourtis Matt Edgar and Josh Martin you go downstairs in the basement I did a podcast out of their great down there man it's I love the fact that commie stores Embrace podcast over any other place so you know what they Embrace Comedians and that you know customers really come second to the comics they're so cool

► 01:47:42

how's about 30 cars or something like that or 20 cars or whatever and guess who gets to park their the comedians that are playing at night they got to pull right up and fart by the door and that is so cool to me and not only that there's a bar that if your name is not written on that building you can't go in it without somebody whose name is written on that building so cool to have your name written on that building and go to that bar that's just for you and let you know that they have the my number Juan Tequila and and smoke cigars and not everybody can smoking there but I get that one little extra deal whatever you want in there so a glass piano for prior to snort cocaine of us because they understood understood Joe

► 01:48:38

your father understood that understood the counter and sink so come be insane here you know if if you're crazy we get it we don't care come beat crazy here you know in the end and then at the Improv you had but dreaming goats going language language

► 01:49:00

and the first time I ever came to The Comedy Store which was probably in 90 or 89 I made a soldier and out here you know to see what happened so I don't know anything I don't know anything and I don't have any friends I don't I don't know anybody that got it I was saving the cheapest hotel room on Sunset Boulevard which was $50 which was outrageous back then and Anna in the first day I got into it into an elevator with his huge black transvestite with one of those big drag queen shows and I was like okay but I went to the store first and then the Monday night and I fucking put me on

► 01:49:51

I told her I've been doing ghetto stand up in Texas for you know a couple of years and they fucking put me on didn't do very well and

► 01:50:01

not necessarily you know the elderly in this at same piano player you know this and but I would go to the to the Improv and baby come over to me and he knew me cuz he's seen me do Open Mic at The Improv in the opening act in the in Providence and Allison he come up there and could you do me a favor could you stand over there because you're blocking the way through here for the like okay I don't know if I was a new guy and I like it at all I needed was you know a break whether I deserved it or not they gave it to me is that it's a store the store has a heart that way you know they do you know you the store is the art form is primary that's everything everything everything

► 01:51:01

thought you could get you to buy a ticket so they just couldn't just come in and and run the place like they did a lot of places they would probably be in the back of the room talkin I remember went to Showcase once was a backwood William Morris products Showcase of the comedians are represented in a dent out of a club like a nightclub on Sunset and Nick depalo was on stage and they asked me to perform your fucking mind performance that I know what this is a Mike I'm not looking to get hired for anybody murdered represented I go I'm going to watch it was going to be a disaster so I go with my manager and I'm in the top level and

► 01:51:49

all these fucking agents and agencies assistance artist proud and so I'm watching these guys struggle on stage were not John Henson goes up and then Nick depalo goes up a nick of the only one who said anything about it it right everybody fucking talking other at the top like these my fucking agents is unbelievable he was he was making fun of that that I was

► 01:52:16

The Cosby Show me never allow that they would take everybody out that room get the fuck out of here right out of here and kind of breed that kind of thing and have Hollywood and Tommy Joe

► 01:52:38

I'm not saying I don't like the other rooms and out and I'm not saying I'm not glad they're there and I'm not saying I don't need them as bad as I need the store they're they're good solid, dear. I think they're trying to make the adjustments and they're starting because somebody asked me the other day at one of the other clubs

► 01:52:57

what are the college Hangouts, so let me tell you one and they do and then also they when I come to your place I got either I got it I got a valet parking pay for it you pay me $25 to do with that they pay me $35 now but yourself, said rather have no particular get along really well we get along really well now and Paige who does all the booking for The Improv is always at the store and she's okay with y'all. Around together tonight at The Improv if you wanted to do it because I'm I'm there

► 01:53:57

another one Thursday night Improv

► 01:54:00

how many times has won tonight give me like braised beef adderal to be falling off the bone that's what I'm putting it in your schedule I love him I had his daddy on the show he's calling me now he's a great guy like people don't know dr. Phil he's a fucking great guy you know it it's you sent me the other day and I've got this ad you're going to think it's crazy and so we we meet at the Beverly Hills Hotel

► 01:54:56

and I and I play a lot of golf with Doc and I know him well and I have for 10 years or whatever.

► 01:55:21

We should do a two-man show and and and I know he's out of production and I know he's bored and he's also hurt so he's had that motorcycle wreck and the new shoulder surgery right brand new why did they get out cuz I'll I love spending time with him and any and all anything anyway so I would do it

► 01:55:57

it's a it's a it's a two-man show on Broadway

► 01:56:02


► 01:56:05

and it goes

► 01:56:07

and then he wrote I'm not sure how it starts and I'm like okay to it would probably start with the curtain opens and you and I are standing there because it's a two-man show on Broadway that's probably out starts at 8 goes into we can do a Q&A on right now it would have to do something before the Q&A duck right because we've done that before and it's hilarious right I just as close as we are I mean where were born in our circumstances in life and and and he's completely undimensioned leave and fucking be on me as far as any kind of success if anybody's ever had but it went away but we both came from nothing in the same part of the world and so we have this connection that people have a hard time understanding you know they're your hip believe you and dr. Phil or they literally we tell people we love each other and that's I mean

► 01:57:07

what is Gulfstream to the Cayman Islands and I didn't have a certificate or anything but I'd had one of those just expect and end it so we went on this dive and he watched me like I was 4 years old the whole time we were under water and it if I got close to something I know he loves me right I know he loves me and and and so

► 01:57:37

but the way they really didn't have an idea but I just knew that I knew that he was that he was bored and any quite to have lunch and and and talk about something I like to let's talk about it cuz I would do anything I would love to figure out something to do with him if it makes sense because we would because we come off really fun together and in the end in a juxtaposition situation right than our views even though we have a rooster for background for the views are in some ways that's the world they are in some way so it's fun stuff we should yeah just did it just did it like 2 weeks ago easygoing guy to really going to be around you know how comfortable is on skin

► 01:58:30

yeah I was a reason why I so successful right anybody to do that guy. What you don't need is three unscripted hours a day during that loves you that also podcast and I'm going to start it up and do a few people for I do you just get used to it and then I need to get used to it all right yeah that's the same exact skill he talks to people listen that's the

► 01:59:30

I was going through a divorce and people ask me does he give unsolicited advice and I'm like he doesn't give solicited advice even if you ask so I'm playing golf with him and I like.

► 01:59:47

This is divorce is killing me is just killing me and he goes keep your head still when you put

► 01:59:55

which way do you say I like what I'm going to keep your head still when you put you in a better mood when you put well but you're moving your head all over the place where we start will keep your head still when you put witch now it's a metaphor for a lot of things to me is keep your head still you know do what you do well what makes you feel bad or whatever that it was a really simple words and I know they were right off the cuff and I thought about him all the time since he's keep your head still when you put that Sound Advice right to be more centered because I'm not if you're playing pool to keep your head down when you shoot right people jump up on the shot right and follow through

► 02:00:45

but but you wouldn't exactly call it advice but it but it was it was something else to do and continues to come back to this fucking day because if you're really good at golf in that respect if you know how to not move your head like that's a discipline where you can get apply that to the rest of your life right here you know you're if you're losing you're not drinking and you're fucked up and I use a good technique it has going to be all over the place right changing a pool stay down your shop very important some more you try to control it be all herky-jerky and shit archery is all archery is it in one of those N Things I've ever done in my life surprisingly surprisingly Zen

► 02:01:30

itau Foxworthy when he built his big house in Georgia he had the deer set up deer target set up that he can walk out of the balcony of his office I have them in my yard come all over the neighborhood and I said you know what you had to do just shut the gates and turn Foxworthy loose in here with a pillow and he would kill everything in here he's a Natural Born Killer is real careful people shooting arrows and neighborhoods they do that in certain places they have the keys residential deer hunting permits with ar allow Bowhunters to come in and shoot deer in you know Suburban communities

► 02:02:14

cuz they just have such an overpopulation too many people hit them with their cars so I think it was one place in Texas you spread around your ears bag of Doritos especially those high fence places right where they have feeder said I'd warm is a place in in Pennsylvania look up this is true there's a neighborhood where you can hunt deer there 365 days a year now I'm done Pennsylvania place we can hunt deer 365 days a year so we figure out a way to tell the story AR body Jay McGraw is a TV producer right so they've they produce the doctors in the doctor feels the Shadow and the bull on CBS but they also have another ten or twelve shows on any level of cable and if they can sell it they'll make it is TV production company

► 02:03:13


► 02:03:14

the guy that made the movie and I always screw up his name so I'm going to have you look it up that did the movie about the new kid and we took 16 years to make the Link light or is it right from Texas from the time he was a kid but the movie took 16 years to make out of a soda in the director was

► 02:03:44

James download tabs open

► 02:03:46

I think linklater so

► 02:03:56

he bought two I just want to get the story right about to miniature pot belly pigs that turned out to be not miniature pot belly pig Whitney Cummings says that's not real at all those miniature pigs are just starve Little Pigs let me know okay let me finish so he

► 02:04:23

needs to find something to do with these pigs and it turns out in Bastrop Texas where he lives. This is a very famous artistic probably one of the best directors alive and he's from Texas he did that at the end of the first movie Matthew McConaughey about living in Austin that you just give me so wasted on this show I can't ever remember anything but anyway that's the dates right now oh no no no did the movie what

► 02:05:02

well I got to start bringing a friend with me

► 02:05:08

I don't know don't need to talk about yeah no no no no I did I think was Dazed and Confused old school alright alright alright alright alright so this my Matthew McConaughey story when I was moving to Austin I have friends there that are you know I like Austin I got friends but I always thought you know how end up being friends with Matthew McConaughey and next week we know a lot of the same people you know and and we both Smoke by we're both in Texas as we're both going to be in this world and and I love him and I really like working for it and I was like it'll be great

► 02:06:06

I read Matthew McConaughey had a chariot of it but in in this scenario I have imagined him saying

► 02:06:16

you're wrong white you're my favorite comedian ever I got a hot tub going off in my backyard with a couple of girls and I got these great fucking choice and we'll go over there to smoke pot and drink tequila but what happened was he went and asked to meet you in anyway and it was a long pause there where I should have said I love your work but I didn't because I already had it planned out that he was supposed to say that how much you love me and I should have left a long pause there and they knew when it was all over with I should I should have told him I loved it but I didn't have time to planning

► 02:06:59


► 02:07:02

this guy

► 02:07:04

find the Pig Rescue and decides he wants to do a documentary about it while he calls Jay McGraw's right-hand girl right woman brilliant girl that runs things for Jay and I can't remember a name cuz I'm an idiot. Better two times but and it says I'd like to do a documentary on this distinct so she tells Jamie goes linklater all right yeah so he called CPS and I don't even know I should be telling a story and they and they say fuck yeah what do anything he wants to do what she's got his name on it

► 02:07:48

he's got movie coming out with Cate Blanchett this supposed to win everything there at Saint days of amazing guy just an artist doesn't care anything about anything but art doesn't matter to take 16 years to make this guy's amazing I so J has this idea of us doing Judge Roy Bean with me is Judge Roy Bean between a comedy and or even zero we like me doing that character of preacher hangman bartender right toe and I would like to play the role and I wouldn't advise it a TV show to settle into at my age for a while you know if I could do it but it's got to be the right thing with the right people or I won't do it and so

► 02:08:37

CBS says yeah we'll do it so they're they're going to make their going to have a meeting and so Jay calls me and goes well when we talked to him about this so I live in Austin right so I'm right in 27 miles from Bastrop and then so I can go out there for the meeting and send this will restaurant on River and and and they talked about that for a little while and then we talked a little bit about Judge Roy Bean and then it's time to go to the Pig Rescue I don't have to go to the Pig Rescue but now I'm big does will be made it feel being a little beer it'll be a big thing if he doesn't so I go

► 02:09:21

250 pics

► 02:09:24

well kept and well-fed fence Dan and pint they actually there's a feral pig problem in that part of Texas and they have these cameras that are Predator cameras and they they have footage of these huge feral pigs walking up to this fence looking at these pigs going how do I get in here really you lay in the mud they bring you food how do you say we don't even know why I don't know how we got here were just in there and and there ain't there anywhere from they had some rescues that were little bitty to 750 down fix all of them sold in the same premise that these are miniature pigs and 750 lb

► 02:10:15

do they have good and turn them loose in the mountains he's part of the problem right by the problem so I'm walking around in this guy seems really reasonable right and he's also an executive for a construction company a big construction company and this is his passion and

► 02:10:52

all right this is the part I can tell so yeah yeah I understand

► 02:11:03

and I end up liking the pigs yet out there their they're nice just scratch him hey they have arthritis is a big one around but it's basically it's kind of an operation and I'm like the welder and other carnita got would you know if you want to retire it cuz I asked the guy I said what's the

► 02:11:32

where do they go from here in the US

► 02:11:41

they know they did that's at they they live there till they die wow is the way I understand weird because they're almost like.

► 02:11:54

We're in the house talking about shut and I've had enough of it and I've got to join my pocket and I really want to smoke some pot and hang with the pigs because it seems like that would be really fucking fine. Just a scratch on the pigs all Stone and shit and that's how mature I am and so it comes out of the back squealing and cummings Pig so she rescued a pig during the Malibu fires she documented very heavily on her Instagram

► 02:12:29

I see a pig I saw it in person that's Whitney Cummings Pig so then like a couple nights later about the store and when you come and sit there and I know you see this she drove that fucking picked in Texas and it really 2 days of driving she's insane

► 02:12:49

drove a pig in a car for two days

► 02:12:53

the pig sanctuary

► 02:12:57

that's ridiculous

► 02:13:01

that is hilarious dudes Whitney Cummings big that's hilarious crazy pants to podcast in a row talk to this guy right back we can just cut the thing off for a while we could just cut it off because it's 5:30 I got nothing to do I got nowhere to be

► 02:13:28

I saw how is that you want to tell me last night you had a good time there it was it was just gas I had friends I did with friends at night in Malibu and then came out did that side and it was just a great idea for a show to kill Tony show if you have a chance to download that podcast yeah it's a it's a hoot it's 8 it's so much fun to do it to do a live audience at The Comedy Store and it's a great premise and I won't bore you with all the details but you just to know if you check the video it's probably is up on YouTube but it's a big Blue Collar Comedy guys over it was so funny

► 02:14:21

doing Foxworthy was it really makes me laugh so hard that everything he does just kills me and it'll be alright hopefully in my old age you'll be giving me mercy work because I tell him how good is some podcasts to I thought I'd share my wonders where he does he doesn't voices in my knob guess you should probably just talking about it I didn't know you were in on it I'd want to say it that way but

► 02:14:54

the I was wondering why Bill Burr didn't have me on his show and if I didn't have anybody to share his brother for a special but he's done a hundred and thirty or so all by himself it's all by yourself to eight months to do the Rogan show and yeah

► 02:15:32

our friend Taylor Taylor boss he painted that for me well how about I said that

► 02:15:38

that's an old picture Mitzi when she she was very odd she was one of the most important figures in the history of Comedy one of the most important things in my life for sure that lady mentored me all of us all of us because that's that's the only reason the store exists run the mental hospital there's that's the actual original picture of her how great is that amazing

► 02:16:10

she's like Betty White ever see those titty pictures of Betty White when she was like twenty one years old yeah it's alright that she's got that picture right she's our friend Rose who's Taylor's girlfriend put a post on her when she died I couldn't repost it

► 02:16:31

a journey of the woman I met my bill to repost it but you said like I forget what you call or something about something called like the the greatest boss bitch in history say that I like it but I can't repost that right and I just didn't you just say it you know I'm just repeating what she said was just to me it was a hilarious an accurate one can say shit like that but a lady like her and doesn't look bad in a man calls her a boss bitch like I have some respect my right it's fucking Mitzi Shore but yeah so Taylor painting for me and hangs over the studio watches over us you know I ride you and you really don't think I ever met her now say I had a great conversation with her when I came in that first time we know I was just saying it out and I have no idea what was going on and and then I really didn't

► 02:17:31

back to us like I did a show in Newport Beach at the last stop at there and just got this horrific Lee horrible review that at the other store last time I was on it was so bad how bad it was a picture of me I don't even stayed with Santa for my three and a half years and then and so then the guy that book that room watch me do it like a 8-minute set in Austin and I had a killer 8 minutes but he hired me to do 45 minutes and then so if I go out there and I'm nervous anyway right cuz it's the net that's a big club and end of two guys before we were Seinfeld and Slaton so right so they didn't Ron White's three-year-old booger eating moron thing and and at this point I don't realize how bad I am cuz I haven't read it yet

► 02:18:31


► 02:18:34

before I'm nervous in they're going to go over there that's doesn't Strauss and and he rides the comedy reviews for the Orange County edition of the LA Times which is about 6 million people and I like oh well I wish you could give me a day or two to settle in and so

► 02:18:57


► 02:19:00

I do decide that it's not great and it's but it's not bad you know I think I pulled it off you know I laughed at it together and whatever was and I expect him to be there to congratulate me on there have a good day at wasn't shake my hand and do a little interview to build this great interview so Betty White in their little open mic night before me so there's a in one of the guys I know Steve after taxes is on that and then that night I fucking kill and I'm really drunk and get out and I'm giving advice to other comedians you know cuz everybody goes just Flair and I'm like I'm probably going to leave my wife and go find that you're a little late to tati beer poster and it's amazing

► 02:20:00

I don't hear Manuel a really really good Lord has a baby and you had to pay for part of yourself and but that was all I had. I was making sure I didn't make that much money before it was like 14 or $1,500 for a weekend and so it's great you don't believe a beautiful with a gorgeous view

► 02:20:30

phone bathroom you know to bathroom big marble everything big nice and

► 02:20:39

I go back after that with a down the review comes out the next morning and I got this massive hangover I'm just so sick of waking up going up Jesus Christ

► 02:20:52

and Isis I blink my eyes and start going to review the glories review was that

► 02:21:00

lit review just got to be telling my praises to the masses all over the this area of Southern California probably the beginning to my hugeness and probably going to happen so it turns out I bought a bag of popcorn

► 02:21:20

when I was drunk that I have followed that bag that popcorn trail from my bed out the

► 02:21:28

doors down the hall into the elevator the elevator I got on had popcorn on it was the same when I came up and I was just drunk staggered around the popcorn back and I followed that. This place is just right down the block from the from the club and when I go to work but I'm playing in the club by what I hang out at the club lot you know cuz that's how I just said those are the people I know I love those are these other people to work at it so I walk in the door

► 02:21:58

and I want the girls that work there looked at me and she goes don't read it and I'm like what because I don't read it right it's not true it isn't true and it's a hatchet job and like there's a but a hatchet job

► 02:22:16


► 02:22:17

I might now give it to me I got your I can read it got you know how bad could it be so

► 02:22:25

there's a big picture meme this pic 6 million people this pic is it was the article was this big and it said in big black Print even when it's not blue he's not funny

► 02:22:41

and I dropped a newspaper on the floor I couldn't hold up a 1-ounce newspaper because life isn't is sucked out of me and I also agreed with them and felt like I had just been found out as a phony and I wasn't phony and I didn't belong here at all and and I picked it up and read it and and it said watch and why it's 41 minutes show so they were nice enough to point out I didn't I just had to scrape and crawl to get to 41 much less than 45 I had agreed to they pointed that out was like watching a polar bear Lumber around onstage and something comical or interesting happening only occasionally

► 02:23:27

now here's why I'm

► 02:23:30

I can quote that

► 02:23:33

all these 29 years later

► 02:23:36

I went across the street to the liquor store and bought a bottle of tequila and a pack of razor blades true story I go back up to my Marriott Suites on the bay

► 02:23:48

and now that they're just big desk and I've just drinking this tequila reading it over and over and over and over and I got a big bag of weed and I'm smoking pot and I've convinced myself that they're going to cancel the truck because who would come to a show right with a review like that

► 02:24:11

and and then I'm thinking will they probably have to pay me for the shows I did even and I'll even though I wasn't able to finish the week right so I'm I just I just assumed I'm fire I genuinely believe that in my heart that I'm fired and

► 02:24:29

so I will

► 02:24:30

I wake up from this stupor and I got to drool stain on this fucking article and a half a joint and a bottle of the Dismal shit right it's dark.

► 02:24:44

and I walk down there fuck the show sold at both of them are it's comedy and fucking 1990 89 or 91 ever was and all the clothes were sold out and they didn't give a shit and I did I went onstage because I was still a wreck so I'm drunk I just woke up I'm not very good anyway I have no confidence whatsoever I totally agree that I suck and I'm not worth of God damn thing and I go up there and have the worst set of ever had a sold-out house and there was just shocked I just sucked it was a horrible and and then the guy that book to me you can cause the club and they go it goes he actually read the fucking article and goes that's got to be a gut-punch there was other shit in it too and that it was good and so then that they did they get me on the phone with him and then again because they asked them they said we just want to see if he's okay and they're like

► 02:25:44

you're not okay it's not okay at all I'd like I really now I'm now I'm calling my wife going to just want to talk to you cuz I love you so much I know I love you I want to be together forever and she's like kind of standoffish like she could tell I had a bad review so

► 02:26:05

that that kind of scared me away from La for a while and I Rely realized in that they were right and I should have been slapped in the face that I wasn't good enough to be on that stage I wish not and that guy actually apologized to me one time cuz I was showing later in life and like that dude you were totally right you're completely right I should have been slapped in the fucking fast 3 years and you just getting your legs and do business there and so it all worked out that the best way I possibly could have been that but that also included a couple laps in the fucking face going your you know you're not important in the moment those feel bad but every big leap I've made is a Comics after I bombed every big leap for real like that that you know someone telling me they had a bad time I shower just felt like you were off like fuck that feeling makes me so hungry to figure out how to do it right that's where the where comes from makes you even though you were you realize

► 02:27:05

urgency to this thing and then over the years part of the fear of bombing is what makes you work so hard on New shitt part of the fears what makes me do so many sets I'll do Tupac cast of night and I'll do 4 shows right I'll go to the store other two at the show a store I'll do one or two at the Improv I might even go to the ice house or the haha I'll fuck around all these are all the reasons I'm not as good as Joe Rogan I get scared Bond wait I get scared I just can't tell you why do all those sets but I can do it I do go out and do such and such a lot of guys that are kind of in my age group really don't come out and do such that much and how to do sets and a hangout your age list

► 02:27:56

you know what you said that one time in the back room you like I'm older than you guys and really we don't give a fuck that doesn't mean anything this this this this thing is about comedy it doesn't matter if you are a lesbian if you're trans if you're from Philadelphia or the Philippines no one gives a fuck are you funny and if you're funny that's all we care about we don't care if you're 90 or 19 I mean off real good for one I love that girl please God damn hilarious she's kid we talk all the time we talked about, Dee we like I have her she hosts my sense of the Improv all the time nobody cares nobody cares about your age and care about, Dom Irrera the same same way you don't nobody thinks that Dom Irrera tell Dom Irrera is older than us know it's Dom Irrera is a goddamn comic

► 02:28:53

he's a monster this is a very very unusual group of humans you really think about the people that we know you know if you looked at the entire population of Planet there's eight billion people or seven and a half of 7 and 1/2 something some crazy shit how many of those are comics

► 02:29:14

is it is it a thousand trouble thousand the real ones how many of them are headlight how many of them can do a solid hour how many of them a film is special how many of them have two three specials Jesus Christ Ron White you and I are weird water so she's only like 20 of us maybe 20 20 of us

► 02:29:36

yeah it's at yeah we don't give a fuk old you are dude you better stick around outside dude I'm flash I had a of a friend of mine when I was my daughter had that event in Vegas and I went down to see you they like you going to see a comic I go don't go see Ron White course when I can watch him I don't have the chance so what am I doing with my wife and watch fucking to catch a predator or some shit sitting outside shower I know I still love it still watching it still love it

► 02:30:17

is there an innocent you know it's really it's such a hot man I got to get into it with the guys at the Cellar New York and cuz they're all like this is the most significant comedy club in in America and I'm like it's the most significant hundred Cedar more significant to the store is hilarious that's so fun and I love you and I hate it it's at but it's a bit silly your second place by Dave Chappelle I can store all the time Chris Rock comes by Louis CK I'm sure he'll be back there it's a fucking crazy place but I know you're there Adelitas there Brian, they're Joey Diaz is there it's was eight people in the show that make at least 50,000 every time they open their mouth

► 02:31:17

for $40 or crazy and watch your show you know that is quite as strong because a lot of the guys are out again girls are. They're doing set something about Tuesday Wednesday Thursday we all have to do what we do and every want you to be able to do it where we do it one night the lineup was Tom Segura Bill Burr Bert Kreischer Ali Wong Joey Diaz crystalia Tom Papa and it was fucking crazy Home Alone kid like what the fuck look at this lineup is lineups and saying so fucking fun for me and why

► 02:32:17

that guy got live in Beverly Hills and I live two miles away and and and and that's what gets me off the couch to go to go live my life and blow the horn and it's going to replace the battery in a lot of shows at The Improv though I'm doing to this week at the two last week I'm doing them all the time when I decide talk to them about him like it how it is bring some of my friends over cuz like we could all do shit like like Santino will do a set at The Improv in Little Chute over the store and do his said I'll do it ate shell store doesn't open till later on weeknights easy so we've been doing a lot of shows down there to the Improv has a great Club at the lamps were weird the way it was set up as weird there's a lot of weird chick going on but if you could just get the top-notch people and I was talking to them I'm like like we're right over there we can walk here tomorrow away you know I mean it's a mile away from the store, we stand on Melrose in traffic

► 02:33:17

and that are cool and they're try to change that I believe they're going to paint something I hope it will make a big deal over there Mitzi Shore was literally like you guys sorting out of a sword that she can give a fuck man she understood keep everybody safe let the lunatics run the Asylum I'll never forget the day she passed me ever in my life

► 02:34:04

you're really funny alright Europe a regular now looks like a holy shit. Explain to people would have paid regular is I don't know well it's like you made that you got the stamp of approval you might actually have a career like I wasn't sure if I was going to have a career in common with the lyrics is that was on the sitcom at the time I was out here to do a television show for Fox I had done I've been on Showtime already done I'd headline a lot of clubs all over the country probably prematurely I'd really only been doing stand-up for 6 years but you know I had maybe a good 10-15 minutes I could I could actually do a a real solid half hour if I had to but fifteen minutes I could really kill with and to be able to do a set in front of her and she goes you're a paid regular I was like I'm a fucking comedian I'm a holy sure you've been given the nod man

► 02:35:01

even when she said I was like damn I tricked her I tricked his people the audience I tricked her that I felt I feel like a tractor bucket trick to everybody but everybody treats everything in beginning Jeff how's the beginning is I just didn't try hard hits on stage critical if you can't accept the fact that it's process you can't want everything to happen right away and the only way for you to be really sure that's not happening yet it's the bomb right now I'm just know where they're at nothing at nothing tells you so succinctly that you're doing it wrong like eating shit on stage and you kind of learn a lot from it every day should go you know it in there at the end of your really mess around that much with, he's been you you don't want to play football stadium or whenever I what's the biggest place you've ever performed at

► 02:36:00

weld Blue Collar Comedy Tour we hold the the the record for the Predators play hockey in Nashville and Elton John held the record before we broke it and the reason we broke and if we were in a center stage in the middle and there's only four of us doing stand-up so it was old is nobody will ever have a smaller stage wow that's how could they open up some football Reno he's on stage and he takes it like a selfie out looking at the audience it's the craziest thing you've ever seen you like see if you can find it Josh Wolf opening up for Larry the Cable Guy selfie it's I don't even know if you put it online he showed it to me on his phone it's fucking bananas there's 50,000 people there

► 02:36:57

you know 50,000 crazy crazy and didn't even talk about it you know there's a lot of people there hating on him he couldn't be a nicer guy

► 02:37:09

he's also a great Pace Rhythm and timing one-liner gas is Good As It Gets I've seen him just be crowds to death funny dude and and gifted and it also is that it be and I was totally paid his dude you know I haven't played this place look at that fucking crap that's going to be in Nebraska right so the rider was wearing a red that's got to be up at Memorial Stadium in Lincoln Nebraska that is one of the most insane crowds ever seen in my life but it makes sense

► 02:37:50

he's got great fucking timing man and I met him like I said it didn't 92 I think at The Comedy Works in Montreal when Jimbo used to run a joint and he was a great guy man back then even back then I think it was it was a radio personality in Florida that time you know he's just that I don't love the cable guy with a character in that he would bring a new show for one joke and then at 8 I just took over fucking crazy and people don't know like you Dan Whitney like a regular person by a picture after I got a bunch of dollars a year but it's like this thing except Christina dad was a preacher and a pig farmer from Nebraska

► 02:38:43

and and say does it say a great auctioneer

► 02:38:53

a preacher and a pig farmer holyshit speaking of pigs at the pigs just keep coming back

► 02:39:01

the thing is you can't save the pigs got to kill some of them ultimate conundrum because like it would be nice if we could have like some sort of harmony with nature with pigs but that's not possible if they're wild the fucking up a storm to having two three litters a year with six to eight little piglets and they're just running ramp it and then there's become viable I think correct me if I'm wrong I think female pigs become viable and get pregnant after 4 months of my life and I have these little bitty pigs too and there's a cutest things I've ever seen in my life I was there a Doraville and I said can I pick one up and they're like they squeal like a pig and literally I think they made a noise like I was stabbing a screwdriver into their ear like okay alright they're smart they get scared they're smart is so it's a

► 02:40:01

anything because like you want to love them but then if they're taking over your neighborhood you if you want a phucking shoot him and kill him and they're delicious and there's a problem that's the whole problem they're delicious you know how they got into California William Randolph Hearst oh yeah that crazy ass hole he's to bring them and he would populate his Forest outside of his home with wild pigs have been wild boars Rushmore them like so if you go to Tehachapi or any wild pigs are you go to certain areas near Bakersfield there's wild pigs out there that's all William Randolph Hearst wild hunt wild boar in Big Sur with a fucking machine gun those were William Randolph Hearst wild pigs that it populated the amount

► 02:41:01

there's a fucking news story from San Jose where they were knocking over people's trash cans he's like a huge Tech Community child ones aren't that big the wild ones who like a big wild ones like 300 pounds to message or you let him go see the truth about this one thing I do know about is feral pigs I've studied them pretty pretty closely because I'm friends with a lot of people are professional Hunters okay and I wanted to know how the fuck they got so big like there's a video of there's a photo rather one they called Hogzilla that was from Georgia it's all right, speak but it looked away

► 02:41:52

okay that motherfucker King Kong hog from Russia makes Hogzilla look like a baby see I'm not buying that look up the fuk is that guy that guy could be on top of that thing that looks like a German Shepherd how much does a way you have no idea who doesn't have to be that big that could be a 300 400 pound big it doesn't even say did they weigh it 1179 Pilots website is this website is wide open spaces that's a pretty reputable five and a half feet at the shoulder a big Christ I got to see a picture he brought 200 of these specific a Russian boar and he brought in from Russia and they ended up breeding list

► 02:42:52

call Paul feral pigs boars and pigs and all that jazz it all comes from the same genus it's all from something called Suess Rafa sus scrofa is all pics what's crazy about that is like when you see a domestic Pig and they look all cute and cuddly and pink and shit right when they get loose and they go wandering through the woods they turn feral and their face changes their face gets longer they grow tusks their hair get sticker this one that says the shoulder height is that how high the show that's all I'm three inches shorter or taller than that 5 1/2 feet that's insane does this tall on me so at least an e got okay I'm 5-8 like this watch this here's my shoulder right that's all I hear that's fucking insane that's a pig. That's insane that's an elk

► 02:43:48

Hogs Hogzilla was a shoulder height of 3ft that's almost double what was a thousand pounds that make sense cuz of a good elk is like 800 pound right now a threat Hunters to look at it he's way behind that thing you're supposed to be right next to it and if that is a deceptive photo when you take a photo like that that is you doing that on purpose what you're supposed to do is supposed to put your gun or your rifle or your are your bow and arrow it on the animal you stand next to it so that people that know how difficult it is people trying to kill a smart mature

► 02:44:48

animal because that's the one that's healthy for the population that's the one you want to take out of the breeding cycle this is one that's already spread its genes and Hunters respect when someone shoots a mature older animal that's it was good right good to eat unless you really know what the fuck you're doing like you got to slow cook that mother fucker

► 02:45:11

that one you want to do you want to probably going to brine that bitch get him a big old fat a saltwater with brown sugar and garlic and some slim soak for a while this article is for the saying that could be bulshit, bulshit I'm telling you got to listen to me where is shoulders are they line up almost with the bumper that fuck with me next time he's way behind like a third grader exactly does make sense this guy is hiding

► 02:45:52

he's hiding behind that pig if you wanted people to know the actual perspective you decide on the thing in that photo that represents an actual perspective you have to be standing by to pick six one laying down in this picture that stupid that's what people do mad people take pictures of animals they hide what it's at its within the hunting world's call the grip and grin take a photo you hold a dear and you like pushing way out to like you kind of big bass take that big bass you put away in front of you looks gigantic if you take that big bad person

► 02:46:52

find me a motherfuker do not bite it is

► 02:47:03

he's showboating not buying it a bug that fucking pigs 300 pounds does a baby pig that's why we need Joe Rogan her against it Whitney Cummings pigs brothers and sisters shot it so I saw her right after that I thought I told you it's unlike your night going to leave this shit the Whitney have pictures of your pig on the phone and she just flip the fuck out

► 02:47:27

yeah she's a fat lady loves animals for real she's damn God bless her fiance he's in for a long run of animal husbandry

► 02:47:38

my friend's wife if she sees

► 02:47:42

an animal that's dead and it's winter. She'll put it in her freezer how God

► 02:47:50

wait for the fallen in Berea and they wait for the ground to thaw and then they call and Mary Jesus that's deep Whitney when do that now yeah that's taking it to the next level you got except there's a cycle of life you don't have to like just leave it outside for something to eat that's what you're supposed to do what I do they need to stay alive to the animals that eat dead animals they need to stay alive to Fry's the whole cycle tree rats you know there's a lot of Carrie and Michelle gets drunker and drunker I grow meyer lemons in my place

► 02:48:32

and so I looked at the lemons and something is eating the Rind off of lemon and left a lemon hang it on the tree perfect in perfect condition and I'm like well that's odd and then I see one little group of perfectly peeled lemons on the ground and and then there's two more lemon pies on the tree perfect lemons know right

► 02:49:00

am I going to fuck is it as yesterday is that was at his house but yesterday cuz it isn't memories from the past but yesterday and so we looked it up but it's it's called a roof rat and they love and it they love specifically

► 02:49:20

Meyer lemons which is what these were and they love the the ride but they don't like the sourness of the of the fruit so they just eat the steak just eat the rind leave the fruit hanging on the tree and it's it was just baffling really when I first saw it but that's the exact opposite with orange and we also have blood oranges and so would they put a little hole in them eat all the fruit out of and leave the husk hanging on the tree with nothing on the inside them like Jesus Christ fucking dick so now when I eat an orange or alive or whatever like to ride the rides at their save the fucking fruit that really why I don't like to kill anything's Peachtree I maybe eight three peaches the whole time of the living this fucking house I believe that house is mmiii this goddamn squirrels eat my peaches right I've ever grown

► 02:50:20

I've literally never get to eat peaches I'll have all these things going on in my house right now at Coyote problems at 5 no more chickens all my chickens in one Fell Swoop you ready for this they kill the last nine chickens I had to transfer to him them because my my chicken coop burn to the ground so we got to get a smaller Coupe you're blaming that on the Kayo the chickens escaped and we saved the chickens and we got them to do this other Coupe after the fire and it wasn't is reinforced as the original coupe the original kubb I had hired a guy who's a carpenter to build me an ice cube and did a great job in the coyotes run the roof one night shooting at it and I had a fucking I had a death perch set up on my porch I had my Hoyt out there I had arrows Rangefinder I even had even late

► 02:51:20

read out in my yard wait for these comments I was right I was going to but I lost my patience and I'm a busy man I got a lot to do so I abandon the project your word is your word keep on Dodge Chicken Coop down to the ground we put these chickens in another coop in these coyotes tour that Coupe part and they didn't we weren't home and we came home and just feather duster all gone all nine of them being a part of me admires them you know part of me is like these little wolves are surviving in the suburbs is trying to figure this out of this thing or die my wife is getting uncomfortable because you basically making your house at Target and now they're on the roof right next to the house these little small Predators or chewing at the roof of that the chicken coop before the fire happened and it was like that was when I decided to go to war I didn't fully committed to war cuz I didn't get it I was going to get a subsonic 22 thats the way to go cuz it you were here subsonic

► 02:52:20

going to it sounds like this

► 02:52:23

doesn't sound like anything but it's lethal I had a coyote but I don't think it's legal inside City Limits I don't even think I should be saying that I wanted to ride it with a rifle it's probably like a like a Criminal Intent idea but I never really considered and I definitely never bought one but I was ready to fuck one up with a bow and arrow but now it's over and they got they won they figured it out the fire open up the door and they asked the fire was there were real sketchy the real loud and cuz they were trying to figure out what the fuck is going on because like the brush was God's probably the rabbits are missing the Rack or miss or whatever yeah

► 02:53:07

yeah it was it's weird it came you know came home and see just feathers everywhere man just feathers like just like someone just sliced a few pillows and just shook them all over the yard like fuck

► 02:53:21

you know we should look back in and try to figure out what we should have clothes with that's a good way to close close with murder of check-ins we got a show tonight Ron White will be with me then it all share all going well this weekend, Club that's how the fuck out to with Jorge Perez who's God damn hilarious and Andrew Santino what's the weather on Friday and Saturday in my town my place is under construction I'm redoing my house at Intercontinental Man of Mystery travels all over the globe Holmes and many mysterious locations don't you a place in Atlanta to I like it I like to move to go to my favorite spots Atlanta in Austin right either or

► 02:54:21

but I like it I like it Lanta too and I love both of them all right Ron White your bad motherfuker it's an honor to call your friend I appreciate you dearly I guess you're back at you soon more show tomorrow night by termites

► 02:54:38

thank you everyone for tuning in to the show thank you to athletic greens get your mother fucken help together folks with athletic greens go to athletic greens. Com Rogan and they're going to hook you up with 20 free travel packs valued at $79 with your first purchase I take diesel travel packs it everywhere I go super healthy very good for you and one scoop has the antioxidant equivalent of 12 servings of fruits and vegetables thank you also to motherfuking butcherbox 100% grass-fed and finished beef free range organic chicken and Heritage breed pork selected and sent to you on dry ice with free shipping anywhere in the lower 48 states plus you get 20 bucks off and free ground beef for life

► 02:55:38

2 lb of three 100% grass-fed ground beef in every order for the lifetime of your subscription go to butcherbox.com click the banner and enter the discount code or organ at checkout and last but not least we are brought to you by the motherfuking cash at the motherfuking cash a place in the cash out the number one finance app in the app store for a very good reason the easiest way for you to send and receive money and buy and sell Bitcoin and you can get 5 free box how about that when you download the cash app from the app store or the Google Play Market or your cash card and use the referral code when I have a hard time with Coach code Joe Rogan all one word you do that $5 goes to you you greedy bitch and $5 will go to Justin Brands fight for the Forgotten charity which is helping to build Wells for the pygmies in the Congo thank you thanks

► 02:56:38

TuneIn preciate the fuck out of you much love big kiss