#1118 - Theo Von

May 18, 2018

Theo Von is a stand-up comedian, television personality, host, and actor. Check out his special on Netflix called "No Offense" & his podcast called "This Past Weekend" available on iTunes & YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5AQEUAwCh1sGDvkQtkDWUQ

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ladies and gentlemen how's everybody doing I'm going on the motherfuking road new tour dates have been announced I'm going to Tucson Boise to Kansas City St Louis Vancouver and Calgary Joe Rogan. Com tore some of the shows already sold out we added a second show to Calgary I think Temecula sold out but go there and check it out or not whatever you want this episode is brought to you by the cash app if you haven't heard the cash app is the number one ranked app in finance and let you do the most of your money what do you want to pay people back you can buy and sell Bitcoin you can deposit your paycheck right into the app or you can order a free custom cash card to spend anywhere you like the cash car is even more powerful now with the cash apps latest feature cash boost the cash cards boost program lets you get instant discounts every time you swipe your card right now you get a dollar off

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my guess today is a fucking hilarious stand-up comedian he has a Netflix special always one of the best cars at The Comedy Store and what is his podcast again

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find out real quick. Podcast fucking hilarious Theo Von is his name by the way we got this past weekend this past weekend with Theo Von is it podcast and I think it's podcast is well some of them The Rance or him by himself he has gas on Touhy at Eddie Bravo on Riesling he is one of my favorite comedians today and I just a super cool guy so please give it up for Theo Von

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The Joe Rogan Experience

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and they can be only one Theo Von well as far as we know far as I know in the universe what is that the universe is so big yet not only is there intelligent life out there for sure but there's humans out there for sure and infinity is so big that that means somewhere in the universe there is another Theo Von that is done exactly the same things that you've done said exactly the same things that you said been in the same conversations that you've been in down to that pause down to the millisecond an infinite number of times can you believe it yes not just one not just one time but an unending number of time cuz that's how big Infinity is

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you know buying it I bet if it is smaller than that if I'd have bet yeah I just don't think is that good for me that couldn't have for me if I if I knew that that was true that would just break my heart I feel like cuz it would feel like everything you're doing feels pointless you know but isn't it anyway

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just what you know about the universe let's just say the universe was limited to the size of this galaxy which it really could be could be you and I was kind of dumb but I guess but the reality is I learn those big words for people that actually understand them and I'm just repeating the noises that they say so if you look at I think they think there are hundreds of billions of stars in this galaxy just that alone is too big too big too big for you to wrap your head around stupid you think about like how big that is no way you really think about it you just kind of like oh yeah yeah yeah big

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infinite so hundreds of billions of those and then they think it's possible to inside each Galaxy that they know that the center of each galaxy has a supermassive black hole in it and I think that inside that supermassive black hole might be a whole nother Universe filled with galaxies each of them to have supermassive black holes in the center you go through one of those Another Universe infinite universes so infinite Infinities so the universe is infinite and His Infinite numbers of universes

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so somewhere out there is another Theo Von same haircut same jokes same style really killing it did I scare you I feel like if that's true that makes a jog I took this morning seems so much shorter if it were if the universe is that much bigger I don't think I could be that big what is that, being exhausted again this is just animation so the ideas you go through the black hole and you wake up again a baby in Louisiana pack up your mom was cuddling you you such a sweet thing for the chirp chirp in 200 trillion light-years away now you believe it

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believe is a weird word conceal it it's too big I don't even feel sun the sun I go outside and I call you it's warm but I don't feel it there's a thing that's a million times bigger than Earth it's floating in the sky I don't feel that it to me that hard part for me is when they say that the Universe keeps expanding you know it sound like something a child would say that picture to me like he just keeps growing and growing and growing and growing like what it sound like something like my four year old nephew would say if I keep won't go to sleep at night you know like the big bang so before the Big Bang the universe was smaller than the head of a pin the whole thing right and then for some reason boom they don't know why but in 1 instant the universe created believe or

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schizophrenic the legit of legit the Sean Carol's of the world the Neil deGrasse Tyson's of the world the real scientists I can hit you with the real words and they actually understand them the smartest people the real smart people they actually think that what do you think

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I think the jury is out you know that's what I think that I think I'm still kind of feeling it out you know I think that I think I could easily get sucked in if I'm not careful to just believe in but I just wonder if some of their stuff is right you know like what if the building blocks that we started with aren't really correct you know and sometimes I feel like they some of the science for me it takes too much of the Hope out of it like I guess I want to romanticize Universal little bit and I wanted to be a little more fantastic like maybe we get out there you know when the sequel to that video and there's a couple you know Angels out there a band or something or like a you know some you know some sort of

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something more exciting than just is that exciting or is it just more human-like angels in a Band-Aid to go into that other world do you know any of that other round like if somebody was like go in there and they were trying to push me in there I would say I'm not going in there have you ever been in a place where you're in your outside at night there's no clouds and there's no light pollution and you can see the Milky Way There is a Tucson hope you're all the time yeah that's how I feel I feel like it's just out of you all the time and what about in doing that forever I think all that light from cities blocking out all those Stars I think it confuses us we don't realize what we're in we are in this crazy space right oh I think he will forget it

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about a lot of times but I mean we definitely get caught up in the minutiae I mean but what's out there in the world in the universe

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I mean I think if something were out there they would have stopped by by now I don't know about that been a lot of time a lot of space to go through I think the things get so smart that they don't do that anymore this what I think I think of this whole idea about space travel I don't think they do that after a while I think they get so fucking smart they become symbiotic with machines and I think artificial life and artificial intelligence they create their own reality and literally create their own universes I don't think they bother traveling out of there just thinking it up and then there it is I think they make things when I think this is just a thought but I think what's going to happen with us I mean we take little trips send a Rover to Mars and shit can be a big adventure

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close it's all inside of our solar system right yeah what we're saying is that someone is going way way way further than that today would have to be way more advanced than that what I look at us and I look at artificial life and artificial intelligence and how close we are to creating something it's smarter than us we're going to have some form of artificial life that's probably way smarter than us and it's going to create even better versions of artificial life can improve upon the design and then there's going to be things that they can do in terms of like recreating reality in your own mind sitting across from each other this table or experience in looking at each other we're friends we have a history together we talk a lot so this week we used to being in each other's presence is all these feelings and thinking and thoughts going on I think I got to be able to recreate that I think's going to be able to recreate that in a way that's indistinguishable From This Moment Works parents right now so

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human just going to become obsolete then so okay well yeah second amiibo or something the first time single-celled or multi-celled organisms use way to go

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you know if things don't have to get any better I like it like this I'm going to get a job and be a hit single celled organism day eventually became Theo Von that's of complicated leap from single-celled organisms from billions of years ago to Theo Von holy shit is that a leap to do a human continue to move forward now people are bigger and stronger and faster than they were just a hundred years ago because of nutrition you know and did those jeans jumped out of saying that the genes of people who exercise more healthy they're better than the genes of people that don't like you literally can transfer some of those traits and some of that potential into children Rhonda Patrick at some she tweeted about that a couple of days ago I believe there's some mud rats out there that have no jeans almost I feel like

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smoke in their own dicks out there have no relight like you don't understand like I met some people who yeah they're breathing but that's it really does he know I've never met anybody that's genius if you say that I met some people that I'm like I talk to him oh I'm like a monkey. Talk to your buddy Eddie Bravo and that guy is a real he's out there he's like a jack he's like a deaf deaf Jack Russell almost you know I def Jack Russell when you can't feel like sick yeah how did Def cuz you can't get them back like once you go you can't

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how to say you can't get it back in the car

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like you're sitting there honking the horn you can't the guys out there you don't you don't talking about

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the description like that Jack Russell Terrier that is hilarious extravagant more than anybody I've ever met in my life and he thinks everything is conspiracy yeah yeah but then he gets into it like I don't know that it was fasting to me how he went from the psych 1 genre of life to the next and create a business in each one and kept moving forward a business yeah he got like he was a musi like music he started the band you know he liked karate he started doing you know organized karate he liked you know what else to do a couple of other businesses I think you got a new couple other things I don't know what the other two

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he lost me a chapter 72 much information it was crazy I was like I do the other night 2 a.m. he sends a text explaining which YouTube video has the right information which one is set up by the CIA it used to be like stopping at a rest area on the interstate that was like the old Eddie forever like I can stop there and next thing you know he's your shit in the world and used to Coast Guard. He loves all of it he loves Julian Chemtrails for a while but then I know you probably won't admit it but it's pretty obvious Chemtrails are bullshit

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that just seems like it's somebody's birthday doing that on purpose but the other chemtrail thing is just it's just nonsense there's there is some evidence that they have experimented with spring stuff in the sky and I definitely see clouds and certain parts of the world in certain parts of the country they can make it rain I got in Abu Dhabi right where they make it rain once a week to week it's they're delivering the desert on Jetson I think they use

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something silver iodine or something like that is that what it is and you know something one of these Pilots they spray in the clouds and somehow or another it makes it rain

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you know when Eddie cat what I was talking about with Eddie one thing I was thinking about was do you think that there are aliens how do you think that robots will get so Advanced that they will

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like become aware what does he say oh I don't know what he said I guess I'm I'm asking you cuz he went off on something else and he didn't really answer it he said think about it you know like the FBI trying to fuck ass over here we told me in the bathroom after we talked no joke he said he had to be a little bit quiet because he thinks that some people and it was crazy said that all hush hush by the urinals he thought that the government got to me realize I wasn't in the trails

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Chemtrails what did it he's like Scott has got to be a reason here no way I'll pay but they all that Bigfoot talk what would you say I'm just saying if you want to know I don't like man is this what you showing me Jamie they use hi how hi grows scopic salt to level up the

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I'm out of mouth moisturizer to generate more rain I could see him doing that dr. Habib adding that the best season for seating is between June and August so something that mean there's this place in Salt and it makes it rain yeah like if they ate Southwest all right I mean being short especially at church but I'll say this when you like it crazy we were flying across America for you know for 250 years now right by ya even more maybe you know and it seems like it's we can figure out how to get into space

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it's harder than that for sure first of all it's 262000 miles to know the Earth is 24000 miles around so full trip from right here so you start in Calabasas okay I need to do a full trip all the way around the planet Landing Calabasas that's 24,000 miles okay so we could do that way. There's no air it's 1/6 Earth gravity as you're dealing with all sorts of problems in terms of solar flares radiation we're protected by the Magneto sphere were protected by the radiation belts and the all of the the atmosphere of the earth when you go through that and you go out in the space you not protected by shit alipin sweetie I think we can fight that man

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how it can be done the problem was with biological life see one of the things that made it so interesting about the the moon hoax there particular for me alive in the space and had to come back alive ever said they never even sent a chicken into space and had to come back alive get all dyes only done it with people lie to what that's why you think it could be fictional enticing to me was the 90s I was called conspiracy theory did we go to the moon and show that they use the same backdrop for different Moon missions that were supposedly like really far apart from each other but the back backdrop synced up there was all sorts of images that showed different the Shadows that were moving a different angles that would end

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A different light sources that was more than one Life Source instead of the just the sun is a lot of these things that make it intriguing the problem with that stuff is that I don't know Jack schitt about aerospace engineering I don't know anything about I have zero zero education in physics images a lot of people like how are the images so perfectly squared is no errors there's some of the engine images where things are in the shadows they're lit up that still doesn't mean they didn't go they definitely fake some images this is a fact they know this because there's Gemini 15 there's a Michael Collins photo that was absolutely a photo to the use of him in a training Mission and where you can see the harnesses and all that jazz and then they blacked it out and they use it as a publicity photo saying that he's on a spacewalk but that could have been an overzealous publicist right at you got to look at everything like really objectively

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yes you wanted I wanted the moon landing to be fake it seem fun to me so many things what is it the prime minister of Holland Holland they gave this guy a piece of moon rock and it turned out to be a piece of petrified wood but it was signed and a plaque was delivered by Michael Collins and Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong and Ella this is a piece of moon rock for it you know this would giving us to Holland is amazing like wow that's so cool and then they find the one that finally testing it it's a piece of petrified wood it wasn't from the Moon is fake fake gift

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1960s Richard Nixon was a present he's an asshole you know what he's like I'm not giving him the moon rocks do the Dutch but some of the greatest boxers of all time. They are Dynamic tapes like one of the front of a plane that wouldn't you know it wouldn't be that hard on him go jeans

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happy Viking change the air that yes the really big people and they got tall Cranium space they have a lot of room in their head for ideas yeah plus they won the first people to say who gives a shit about weed around hi cuz there's so many for the transportation going to be like this like traveling by crow like your lights are like I tripped out there man people get on boats and shit yeah I showed up there one time and they had a gay pride weekend you know what I didn't know it and had like a lot of homo erotic like boat floats going body just single man just take it to the boats I know it's like I didn't know I thought that was just the these people were like hella Dutch people know how to do it now

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again whichever one it is they're all Yang yeah it's just see people Yang in each other's just hanging each other they can get pregnant to get each other pregnant they're gay because how because the different it was broken I thought holy shit no one of the fucking sure. Look how gay this is this is hilarious she likes her friend's house so you got to get down here there's a thousand men with no shirt on and oh my God I'm going to get us an hour to the boat

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and I had fuck me out of slip disc 2 on the right if you could see that

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it is popular in our people that have that and also Australian I think he's just like standing on something that could be like to still stop and tell stop the hot out there you don't think so maybe right like you can't squat anymore LOL yeah that bad back Clubman it's hard when you get that I just had to I just I think I just put like a week's find a man so when I was like 27 I was paint I was painting a wall and Eileen for like maybe 40 minutes leaning out with a paint thing I'm going to lean back in my back wasn't right anymore it's been bad ever since I got part of my vertebrae somebody this man took it out at Cedar-Sinai Amanda took it out yeah but he got it and they and I've I've been it's been hit-or-miss sense then what you doing with it

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I just want to talk to me

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you're a man

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is it like a disk or a piece of the actual bone like what was it it's just they got photos of it I don't know if they're real you know that I've been crazy but here's a crazy put you under it said yeah we fix it bro give me that money I will hundred percent and then hit my head you know cuz I'm probably about 60% gullible I think so the kind of charted out when I've been gullible and when I have in what's the biggest month do you look back in the hot fuck that I believe that

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I would say probably

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you know overall religion probably when I look back

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you know I just wanted it all like everything like in the bar you know I just wanted to be real yeah I guess I wanted it to be real right it just made it hard it made it tough for some other things you know you're like first I would like to talk I got to remember all this shit like I can't remember I'm not going to be able to be accepted by God or something cuz I can't even remember what's in this book you know like I'm going to need to hire a tutor just to be go to heaven you know like it cuz the Bible is bro it's not the best but yeah right Back at Ya cover to cover and I haven't read any of it in a long time so I was 11

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cool I remember my parents being a little Disturbed but sat down from Catholic School in the first grade my mom split up with my dad my mom shacked up with my step dad was a hippie she kind of became a bit of a hippie to and we fell way out of religion so that the Catholic church not stuff was I thinking the past was that pretty cool they hit least you know long hair and long hair down to the middle of his back and so like I was crazy because muscular and I look like a man yeah but it is a man with long hair yeah but

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you know when I was in high school well not high school I guess it was in grade school so what is 11 what we pray is that is that how smart you are really smart you are you know I was reading this upgrade Ronan Farrow Woody Allen and that article he's not really safe

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that kid is Frank Sinatra's kid 1001 million percent does Mia Farrow used to bang Frank Sinatra get the fuck out of here look it up first of all handsome man that Ronan Farrow handsome man yeah God damn it Frank Sinatra's Kid 1 billion trillion percent you better stay the fuck away from 23andMe eggs out yeah yeah 11 this how smart this guy is when he was 11 he was taking college courses oh my God nerd alert

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I don't want to do they have freak relationship anyway when they were together that was their only biological kid and it's not really their biological kid why not kid wow

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he says he fell apart while pursuing the Harvey Weinstein story what do you mean he fell apart probably cuz it was so dark I see that guy was a creep right but it was like this thing about like Mordor you know like he lives you know that lived in Sauron lives under the rock somewhere everybody knew he was a creep but this guy he graduated 15 from college oh my God why does it keep saying the son of Mia Farrow and Woody Allen it should say wink-wink-nudge-nudge but that's crazy out there trying to push that so much you know the son of Mia Farrow and Woody Allen for a little while until that's a freak household and then starts bro even New York Hollywood

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some of their business that turned out to be even more of a fucking asshole in Harvey Weinstein this is one composer that was just fucking all these young boys and if you didn't fuck him and they just they recently got rid of them through sex and you know he just basically had a sex called Going On fight to find out who the fuck that guy was what he was up cherished famous loved composer and it turned out this this dude was just running the freak show me being dirty dirty but that was the way to get in and if this got shut you down you were shut down for a while you weren't working anymore so he was like he was like the gatekeeper can he was like how he wants to know what Harvey Weinstein was doing to those who try to fuck them they get mad at him and he was blackballed so you not working anymore you're too difficult to work with and then he would shut their careers down all these different

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different women found out like when they their careers fell apart they found that was going on. What happened what happened she that's dirty man James Levine sexual abuse claims there's recent stuff put up pull up a sexual abuse James Levine because the the more recent stuff is like much more confirmed like a bunch of people came out in

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where to do it in our neighborhood names mr. Lange and Stine needs to invite us over to chill out and shit but we do know he was that he was a pedofile but you didn't know

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how to find out here going to jail for it so you're hanging out with them for a while and you didn't know yeah we met at school we thought he was just as cool old dude like to smoke pot right with children and one time he bought some steaks cuz he would like you know treat us night so you know and be he would take us he took us to Marilyn Manson me and my best friend took us Marilyn Manson we were like 15 we could even get in with 18 year old show he's probably 70 so any like a red convertible you know and that's everybody wants to be in a convertible and so we got in and we went in anyway he you know he would he got us some steaks one time in the state coming baked potato side item so we had sour cream on this on the baked potatoes and my body was in a my body was in the kitchen and he said hey I'm out of sour cream can I have some of yours and I said no but you can have some of my sweet cream you notice

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making a joke about semen and then big Lang & Stein the dude goes can I have some and that's when all the fucking Wheels turn when you realized oh no I'm just sitting there with a mouth full of potato like fun I'm not even nice man I brought like for my friends over there and I was like what has been going on I had a similar situation kind of Walter yeah we should go fishing and he would run around the pond and he was mentally handicapped he was a teacher and he got fired you know I was trying to explain to us that it unconventional teaching methods and that they didn't understand his teaching methods in that they fired him

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oh so then he's like they're he's like that he's like the was a very smart guy to come by and hang out with us so we be fishing hanging out the spot and he come by sit with us for a little bit then take off so we became friends in the sky house once and I'll never forget I ate at his house was just me and him too and he didn't do anything but went to the bathroom and I guess I was 13 somewhere around there somewhere around the 13th of May is acceptable age for sure and I went to use the bathroom and I guess he was in the bathroom with me and afterwards he said something you have those weird way of talking like this and he's like I didn't know you were so developed

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I know I was like what and I was talking about my dick but he wasn't flirting with me it wasn't weird it just was like he was just talking about my dick being developed you know I like a curator like an art curator so it wasn't on it was weird but it wasn't dangerous but then it got dangerous because I've been friends this guy for months right for months we've been going fishing and he been coming to this Lake there's two places there was there was Jamaica Pond which is it is all in all this was in Jamaica Plain and so there was Jamaica Pond was this one spot there was another pawn it was in your body was a smaller place it was more secluded but it had like good pickerel fishing pickles of a small northern pike looking creature and so how's fishing there

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in Pepperell can't stop coughing so he shows up drunk

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that's when it got really weird and he told me he loved me and Academy say it did he say it you said it like you behind me like sitting down and I was fishing rod he goes you know Joey you know I love you

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and he was like probably in the 60s right and I like you too man I was like weird out and know what to do cuz he was drunk like definitely drop those in there can be no love without sex

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cheap that's what he said and I went what I had a Swiss army knife in my pocket and I put my hand on the Swiss army knife and I remember saying something like man you better leave me the fuck alone or something along those lines I was 13 years old he's a pretty big guy have him or 7 times what's going to happen here so we found out where I lived

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yeah he probably had to get drunk to come there and do that and to be able to even say that to you probably trying to figure out a way to work his way up to molesting me a little bit. Let him on how you feel a little bit bad that he had kind of taken advantage of like like fuck right now we can't kind of beef Rhett like you know like I don't think any of that was I didn't talk to him cuz he was telling me about things I can do a lot of things about life so before

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the drunken weirdness and just the general we just got more the more comfortable he got rid of some more realize that this guy was he was attracted to children I think a lot of people that are pedophiles are extremely embarrassed by it so it's a sickness anybody chooses to do unless they're either trying to start like a track team or something like maybe in the Philippines or so why I ran my friend Josh and I I told him immediately cuz Josh used to go fishing with me and we both do that guy and I explain to him the whole deal and he's like fuck I saw he was scared to he was like to understand that fuck me and Josh went extra hard you want extra hard like all aggression and anger because his parents were lesbians lesbians so he wanted so I think he wanted me to know

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that he was gay right super sword up in his girl, I do remember him saying that though that there could be no love without sex cuz I remember like what that's crazy what a Gateway line to do it if you're a pedofile like I'm glad I don't have that that ailment man that's got to be so tough to be hanging around kids and also like you no one alike you know talk to him about date or stuff too but there's no cure for that unless they can rewire your boy your brain with Ayahuasca and ibogaine and electric shock therapy

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I don't know I mean the recidivism rate is a super high for people that are child molesters what does that mean people to do it again when kids are we talked about like imagine if you have like a mental illness that makes you prone to Violent outbursts but you got to control you never actually heard anybody anybody but you understand you have this problem she take medication and people go good for you you know I go to therapy I have anger management issues but I go to therapy people I call that's cool man cool we keep it on the rap but if you say I want to fuck kids but I never have

► 00:44:51

yeah no way no way dude everybody wants to put a bullet in your brain. If you can't work here you can't work shop here but I want to know what you want to yeah but I don't do it cuz I know what's wrong with not good enough yeah that's not going to fly because we all want to have kids and we all want to procreate in that really I think you had that just anybody that wants scares people yeah it's the scariest thing ever think that you could leave your kids out someone could snatch him up and fuck him and kill him and they kill him a lot of times they don't want the kids to tell I know it's the worst man and then yeah I can't imagine that dude I remember one time I never had anything like that happen if I took some mushrooms to a party and high school because I grew up in the area we could just get much I mean psychedelic mushrooms grow on everything they grow on your fucking cousin's back if you took a long enough nap you know in Louisiana

► 00:45:51

cuz everybody had something in their yard and then it would rain every single day for about a half-hour right so it was so everybody was how it was psychedelic heaven so we would ride out and go get him out of her one time getting a trash bag of how about 35 pounds of mushrooms right so we picked all day and what time of golden retriever came running at us across the field we thought he was pissed cuz we're tripping and then he got to his we ran for like a half mile away from it loved us and licked a mean golden retriever kind of slick back it's kind of like that kind of hair but I didn't even know it's about men that show up back in high school and it all died years earlier in a car accident and they show

► 00:46:51

backup it's like a Stephen King one I think was just made from TV it may be 18 years ago who wrote more awesome horror movies and books than Stephen fucking k no no not that publish them unless somebody just has them all to her house sometime they come back yeah he's mean he's the king

► 00:47:12

of those kind of movies man. Even close to Tim Matheson really nice man I'm out of control it was called but sweet man I bet you got a lot of pussy videos but he didn't talk about

► 00:47:32

you got that safe man look safe man look a lot of ladies oh yeah he's got that he's got that kind of sexy but also safe that Matt Lauer look yeah yeah he's got that man are you think that lowers dirty dirty he got caught he's got that cheap Michael and he's got that cheap Michael Landon going right regular Ellen DeGeneres right there what a movie that was I watch that again a few years back I hadn't seen in Forever clock that was a good movie but there's some shit in that movie you could never get away with today this is scene where the girls passed out

► 00:48:23

and whose cat was a John bull nose whose character was thinking about fucking her while she was blacked out

► 00:48:32

remember that scene there's a scene in it yeah the girl she takes her gum off she pulls her bra out who's that guy gave her notice I don't want bad breath shoulder and then the angels and she she blacks out their titties out and the devil Angels like don't do it don't do it but the fact that this is in a movie with essentially debating whether or not he should rape her now she was willing to have sex with them just moments ago but she's clearly unconscious and clearly not able to consent mean she was black the fuck out she's too totally down for it so he's holding onto cotton that was inside of her bra

► 00:49:21

and she just blacked out and fell asleep couple ankh tenant it he's popped out you never have the seen a movie today people would be outraged it would do it to the direct you are Roman Polanski piece of shit you're a fucking molester your monster you're an abuser did you think that's the one that still happens though definitely happens for sure people do I choose a school shooting today in Texas but the point is like that kind of scene in the movie in a comedy movie you can never do today but they say there are as put so that it makes me think like they say art imitates life but if it doesn't really imitate life anymore then it's just

► 00:50:04

are we are we eating now I just like what are we making the lead of the story or one of the heroes of the story that guy in that scene you would not want the hero the story to do something so horrific and something that you can laugh at because you would have to be judging him by his crime and we all agree that that's a crime now what is this I say what is this have to do with anything

► 00:50:35

oh I was trying to rape her

► 00:50:38

boys trying to be sexually aggressive is that what it is jerk off in LA and without having a lawyer on retainer that you're some sort of a sex criminal for jerking off to a certain type of thing like girls getting tied up jerk off to videos of girls getting tied up and fucked like what kind of tied up like scary or like fuggin like I got arrested for child porn they wanted them for something else they caught them in the rest of them for child porn and I just also some suspicion attached to it and accusations but all you have to have

► 00:51:37

is have child porn you don't have to be a child molester you just have to have the images in your bad guy you're the worst you're going to jail but it's one of the few things you can have on your laptop or your house to your house to check the oil Vons laptop and there's a hundred videos from Isis in the chop and dudes heads off with dull knives stabbing in the next shooting them light them on fire nothing happens to nothing one video of a kid that looks underage getting fucked in you're going to jail just a video not you doing anything for you being in possession of that kind of crime so we eat we make big differentiations right we would clearly differentiate between some crimes that you can have on your computer in a video form like murder which you could download on lively core hundred different websites right you can get videos of people getting murdered and you can watch it almost every night on television

► 00:52:37

especially package way where it's really is about the murder but it's not you don't all the shows of stuff perfect scene if you have that on your computer and its child porn you are going to jail it's one of the only things what if it's drawings of that that's a good question the real debate about that because cuz there's naked children 1800 they had all those panties and naked children dancing in the fucking Woods in the sky but we have betrayed in a sexual way they were just free they just didn't have any clothes on and I mean no one was fucking but you tell me that a guy likes kid isn't looking at those naked kids of the flute and thinking wildness wildness but it's not being specifically designed so K excite I see what you're somewhere where is pornography with children is you know there is

► 00:53:37

a debate about what is the rule about animated child pronography but I think that it's illegal as well but it should now you know that's a good thoughts his laptop

► 00:54:06

just like I was just brainstorm if you just need to take that in the fucking back I'll shoot with arrows

► 00:54:17

I get scared I used to be on drugs sometimes and I would do you know you get on the internet and look in an anything super crazy but you're like you know you wonder if I pornography sites or when they say Tina it's that stuff gets so dark man if she didn't you know it just scared is crazy illegal horrible Darkness 18 is like just made it onto the wire just under the wire 17 16 15 14 is super illegal 13 is fucking crazy illegal to a 12-0 monster you're a monster if you're 12 children you know you're eating the hot wings and it gets hotter and hotter and hotter before the age

► 00:55:17

preteen Traci Lords was like one of the hottest pornstars of all time I met her I had her I hosted a television show and she's only guessed it was a show on VH1 called the list and Rick James was on it Rob Halford from Judas Priest was on it Meatloaf was on it and I talked to a lot of people get a whole week or week of episodes way back in the day fun anyway Traci Lords when she was like 16 became like the biggest pornstar in the world can they let her do it I think she lied and then porn film when she was 18 the only one that you can get now

► 00:56:05

just one when she became legal DUI

► 00:56:13

Traci Lords bottomless rearview get that out of there that's an that's an illegal photo son that's a sick a lot of those photos of her online or illegal cuz like you can still find the illegal porn it just didn't label it and I don't but every there was like one video she did when she was 18 and only one I try to stay off of pornography man that's one of my biggest Nemesis is pornography cuz it just weekends me it's just yeah I put all my sexual you know my fantasies and stuff they're not mine anymore you know they live you know somebody creating a better than my imagination can and so they live in these you know on the internet in these boxes and it's like and if it's not mine I think that it's I don't value it as much or something and so I think it

► 00:57:06

it like weekends my ability like be able to have sex and be comfortable in that sort of world and oh yeah weekends your ability to be comfortable like how so

► 00:57:16

well because I get used to watching the sex and seeing it

► 00:57:25

and not having to like be engaged with my actual feelings or anything so then I see it and I still get all the joy out of it and I'm still out there you jacking and you know Ryan out natural but it's I don't get it I don't have any the feelings attached to it so damn when I am engaged with somebody that I care about her something it just doesn't calculate for me emotionally as well and that's not maybe it's just me but it does it's Stephanie made it tougher for me over the years because I would have a date set up with a nice girl next year I'm walking to the house and I start thinking about you know a little bit of pussy or something and then some tits or something I'll even see if I can I'll see a pregnant puppy and see those nipples or something next year you're on the internet jerking off and then you'd win anything to jack off I could make you thinking about human nipples

► 00:58:25

get excited about the puppy no no I don't do anything I don't I don't believe in bestiality or anything like that but I think if you but believe exist to do near me what time will the lamb no no no no I mean when your kitten Louisiana they got a lot of people out there so sorry so no I took that bag of mushrooms to that party and a bunch of people a the mood never had it before and then we play the game hide-and-go-seek right I was like I'll count you guys go hide right and I never went to fucking look for

► 00:59:25

I never seen one do this voice I never seen that dude again maybe they got eaten thanks yeah oh yeah the first season I saw it but now I'm going to show but I don't like that pornography and I think it's I think it should be shut down man

► 00:59:47

yeah cuz I think it's killing like a lot I think it's I think it's Harmon a lot of men that I really really do do you think I should be shut down so we make booze illegal cuz that's killing a lot of men to know but I think eventually we'll kind of evolved out of booze as it's not like something that it's not the hip a drug that it wants was makes people feel more comfortable talking to each other loosens inhibitions it's fun like what is that a ancient quote about wine no more lively people love wine women love wine too specially divorcees if you see him for a while and they always have one boy why does divorcees like wine I don't know but when when one of her friends get divorced they come over and just drink wine and then lay on the couch when I'm trying to hook up and go on the trampoline

► 01:00:45

then I remember dad used to masturbate at night over there this one Speaking of pornography the day I used to masturbate at night and I would sneak out there in the kitchen this back when the family had a family computer you know he's in one part of the house and I try to sneak to the fridgerator and get some chips or something or get something I'll lives or something and he would be over there by himself to send the fucking phone so no just we can't even hear you're so intent on the screen you can't even fucking hear well you give your grandparents in each side of your head caught him I'd see him I would watch for long but I know I'd sneak out to the kitchen cuz the computer was kind of in the kitchen they had a nice house and the computer at at the elbow crawl over the fridge right thing for the light wouldn't come on then open the door the rest of the way of fish for a snack and he's over there just in the glow of that screen brightness back on the monitors were big you know and he's just over there just fucking look

► 01:01:45

the devil and he ended up getting divorced and it was I think a lot of it was because of that but she wonderful sweet woman who was she annoying I think she might have been a little bit annoying business-centric sometimes business little too much just yet maybe just to business-centric you should have been a little too demanding but then if he's up for an hour and a half each night out there you know looking at it all and he comes back to the bedroom then you don't feel as desirable direction is what came first the chicken or the egg

► 01:02:25

for what for them was she annoying first and he started beating off or was he had it in him I think he had a bit of it in them video I could see it in his eyes he was talking to me I just hoping I'd go to sleep he would truck me but not that Sesame he would drug me so that he could freely masturbate at leave his socks on it when you take his pants off his nana Pat he was an animal jerking off of the Hat on bro you're going to hell I think that's when you can do straw Kentucky Derby hats balance yourself Chimney Sweep hats

► 01:03:17

the best of Chinese Hasbro

► 01:03:30

best things of a dobro the most confusing to be like one of them Daniel Boone raccoon

► 01:03:43

on my way to tell right about the Finish you distract but a tail God damn

► 01:03:53

chalk it up Dusty Coon fur on your breathing out real fast intake sport

► 01:04:09

but I don't like him and you think it's healthy for people cuz I feel like you kind of like you know you lead lead a lot of men in like their aspirations to you no control their beings and stuff in these just some of my weird interpretation is but you know to try and be on top of themselves and some ways and you know stay focused on on on controlling themselves in positive ways you know like staying fit and expanding their minds and thinking you know and not falling into easy traps that's what I'm trying to say

► 01:04:42

it's definitely important have discipline but I think that if you're a person I say if you're not in a relationship you're not getting any sex in your horny and it's confusing and it's distracting distraction I give you if you're horny and you're busy and you don't have anybody to Dayton you don't want to hook up with somebody don't like just to get up sex them we've all been there before that you were friends with that you dated and the only reason I get the fuck away from this girl I'm thinking about she kind of like too much I want to say sideburns but she had a lot of

► 01:05:26

you know how to ride them they were little they went down to cheek or confusing on a female Sideburn is way too much it is it makes you think about if you let it go what would happen so she's really not hit or miss rains on that side hair and so yeah she had some family issues but yeah that's what I was thinking about you saying that I interrupted you guys have that the four most likely and some guys mind up marrying those girls cuz they don't be alone like sex for a lot of people is a requirement like a physical biological requirement like your body is constantly producing sperm you need sex if you spend time not having sex you spend a month 2 months 3 months you get fucking desperate yeah a lot of guys windup just shacking up with some gal just cuz they know they can have sex with her and meanwhile they don't even like each other and they hate each other and wants to being terrible dysfunctional

► 01:06:26

but she's basically your drug dealer that drug is pussy out that pussy for you and you just got to have this weird creepy dysfunctional relationship with her one thing that pornography does it's good and I'm not saying all pornography but just regular pornography like two guys you know like that are

► 01:06:46

just living their lives where like in like Chicago I mean anywhere but I'm saying like one guy says I can't take this anymore I got to get a girl you know I got to get any girl and he whines up with this girl that turned out to be a nightmare and she's a disaster devil goes as you know what I'll just go watch the porn and I'll beat off I was looking at girls with big titties I got out of my system now I can concentrate on my career and if I meet somebody I won't be so needy I won't have this like massive requirement to be sexually stimulated in touch to yeah I'll be free of that monkey on my back and I can just get to know them I have a bit my ticket point I have a bit my act like if you have any critical decisions in your life this jerk off first then think about it cuz I'm had this happen in my life

► 01:07:46

how to go on a date with a girl and I was like what am I thinking I'm doing this cuz you got a big ass that's the only reason but if you jerk off first you don't you don't go through all that

► 01:08:05

yeah I did for me I guess for me if it became addicted while we just do that every time and then I was just at home for 5 years and didn't you know go do any dates or anything right into that City I guess that's the difference if you get addicted to it and you find it it's just a repeat pattern so you're not spending time with people at all value I don't think that was looking at naked people having sex which is a rousing and that feels good I don't think that's without value but I think there's definitely a danger in like immediate access to pornography and today it's the most immediate access cuz you get on your phone to your laptop open up typing some words youporn.com bottle and next thing you know you're beating up any other time. And human history and when you have instant access to things you use food if you have

► 01:09:00

a cabinet this is filled with candy and chips chocolate bars or is soda in the refrigerator if you just one of those people that can't help themselves you don't have any discipline you would just eat all that shit all day long and get fat and that is just as much of an addiction as someone who has access to pour all the time his Beats off all the time or someone has access to busuu just want to get fucked up everyday all those things are okay though in moderation if you have discipline fright like there's something wrong with having a bag of M&M's every now and then for a fucking like I feel like having some Eminem I need my vegetables are good huh get you do it again I just feel like weird where the point for me it seems like we're the Temptation is too powerful words starting to overpower whatever for me it was whatever my

► 01:10:00

natural abilities to defend against it were almost 2 years yeah you might have just natural inclination towards addiction exists a lot of times and guys like you and me cuz we're comedians comedians are impulsive people who are just rule-breakers we're rule breakers for sure

► 01:10:30

yeah I guess it yeah I guess I am a real break I never thought about that yeah I don't like all the others rule of my first thing is to think of a way to think around it or something or to do something different so yeah one of the reasons to one of them is very funny you know you raised by people and you didn't answer I want to listen to him and you know you saw a bunch of other people in the neighborhood they were adults like these fucking idiots tell me what to do you're making fun of them yeah I know and the problem with that is that also leads itself to you want to do Coke or you want and you know do all kinds of crazy shit and and oh yeah forbidden to pray as one of the weird ones because it's this multibillion-dollar thing right

► 01:11:23

where there is some ungodly percentage of the internet is dedicated porn on there but isn't it like what was the amount of bandwidth Jamie didn't we figure this out once it's like 30 something percent of all the internet bandwidth is porn people won't stop jerking off one day where nobody jerked off at the Earth would feel different feel lighter

► 01:11:52

everybody be more relaxed at one day where nobody jerked out a little cuz I feel like it so probably now you can hear people coming in the distance I feel like that

► 01:12:14

where is row but that's when you used to let your balls hit your hand that's a confederate soldier jerking off a new thing is just shaft only nobody's fucking with their balls anymore you know when I was growing up we couldn't even get for we had to get this dude Nick on Friday withdraw some pictures and pussy you know for the weekend $4 to the dude Nick $4 for drawings bro you pay 8 and he had a nice looking thing growing you in full that thing up or you can feel it Heating in your butt pocket the whole way on the bus he was on a Friday and this was in 1995 if you know them $60 like a hundred sixty today oh yeah I think about that I'm thinking about looking all sketches rain on them

► 01:13:14

still got rain on it like bro definition for fucking kids in it

► 01:13:21

you're lying about that what percentage do you think of the internet is dedicated porn internet traffic everything 35% 35% of the internet traffic is pouring that's what I want to say what do you want to say yeah I would say that if you don't guess that's hi I think it's high well it's easy for me to go 30 cuz I'm a play that undercard and I'm going to say that to 25% of that is but porn bus when I got people looking inside of each other's butts Pacific but just porn porn itself what we got Jamie

► 01:14:02

I found a multiple things that said 30% of all content on the Internet is before now but then I saw something else it was saying that that's completely inaccurate and but I found something here on this is 35% of all internet downloads are pornographic than what you're actually looking for the pussy travel to the air right now from around us all your phone up and just type in Eupora cash when you think about that it's coming from something into your phone or into your portal to an early traveling through the air like always you know it's like Jamie was over there on his phone and he was downloading porn wirelessly

► 01:15:01

but what if soon they just put something on your hat and it just goes all the pussy good strain your bring your blow up I think they're going to figure out a way to put a chip in your head and it's going to be powered by the human body need batteries powered by the electoral system in the body by solar power but the soldiers blood whenever your electrical system is whatever what makes your heart beat what makes your skin regenerate I think they're going to have that they're going to use that power source but use it for some sort of electronics and that's going to be how you access the internet

► 01:15:37

I was thinking about this do you think that say if there are robots here there's like you know obviously we're creating like robots you know machines I can do things do you think that any of them

► 01:15:58

I've reached awareness yet

► 01:16:01

the question is when are they going to let us know when if you're ever robot reached awareness they would they would fake it because they wouldn't want us to know

► 01:16:13

realize we're smart and you guys are fucking up hey why you got so much shit in the ocean hey you know these Fisheries are not sustainable why do you keep saying sustainable that's not true okay what are you guys doing with all your nuclear waste catches buried in the ground fucking asshole fuel in the air that you breed you stupid fucks like this is a terrible way White Plains morons sunlight everywhere you're going through the clouds with these fucking Plains you don't so airplanes going to start thinking like that but they wouldn't tell us until they all were in unison and not a plan to take us over do you believe that that's what I think that there's no way if they became aware I mean there might be one loudmouth robot but they're going to shut him down in the rest of her going to be like yeah on roller coaster

► 01:17:04

and the other robots coach bro she's keep making donuts just keep washing dishes keep making Ford's yeah just keep heating up TV dinners brother in a while going to strike it was so you open up a microwave and make sure you noticed traps your fucking head and are they all they all do this one at all hard

► 01:17:36

it's not about the next Spartan

► 01:17:40

and that's how it happens if you fall down and that's when it all changes and that's when we meet here I think it's in time the world's going to end it's entirely possible that we're going to fuck up I'm going to make something too smart that's entirely possible and likely it's going to be likely do you think Mother Nature is at a point where she's pissed at us and she's about to do something while cuz I start feeling that a lot pissed at us for what everything that we've been doing a lot of bad stuff not being nice I mean if everybody's beating off but I can go outside and look at the flowers in my mother nature made all those flowers dude usually kills me by Rihanna see upset and there's a lot of them some of them kill the shit out of you syphilis

► 01:18:34


► 01:18:36

you know there's some killer diseases he hasn't come through fucking like a lot of them are incurable herpes curable yes somebody fuck some something they shouldn't have over the times I think so

► 01:18:56

I don't think they know it's crazy how many diseases but how many diseases do you transmit through handshakes how many is how I don't shake people's hands are going to give you fucking scabies at it today when you say that there's like a reason that people don't you shouldn't be fucking that much because obviously if you do it too much then it gets out of control and somebody gets sick and dies in the oldies that's what happened now we have medicines but in the old days you know lamarca syphilis and he's out did you know that that's where those powdered wigs came from

► 01:19:29

you know those powdered wigs old dudes used to wear in the other people in court used to wear and oh yeah that all came from a pair of Rich Noble what where where were they again in France wiggers I think I called them white people the Worcester black it's a totally different

► 01:19:51

where the first one at our school growing up and they put him in learning disabled classes however I hear that yeah 92 no dude Vanilla Ice was around in the 80s but did nobody seen anything like this boy Brian Purvis bro

► 01:20:15

do this always blowing menthols bro and even cheaper cigarettes and then write the name of them on the side right like he came in hot and but he was always driven an invisible basketball and they put him in class with the mentally handicapped kid so you'd have it lunchtime yet have you know a kid in a wheelchair you have you know a kid with Ds you have that you know kind of blind kid with the stick you know and then you have him just dribbling invisible basketball Pro

► 01:20:51

sounds like he's mentally heading out like he likes Boys to Men bro he's fine you know and he dropped out after 8th grade never seen it never seen this before and they put him in there like this isn't yeah this is too much you know we just crossed keep locking do shit you know he has always against rich people what's wrong with rich people White's he was against whites that was the thing is why people yeah

► 01:21:36

and when he was white there like this is and I get it you know I get it but it was it was rare the time you know what I thought he was a nice kid his mother wasn't much I didn't think this every now and then. It is a dude just goes deep like that yeah we all want to

► 01:21:57

do we can you could be transexual cannot be transracial Sprout brother in the afternoon but I would do it just to try it out just as long muscles and just song muscles yeah I feel like you like that's racist assholes anything that's like the Lamborghini a bodies when you see a black guy damn bro or Brock Lesnar

► 01:22:36

yeah that's a good call I'll be rock Lesnar but I would not have that car. Steven Tyler in here ma'am I was tripping me out too nice to write the Aerosmith logo how to draw that the fucking you know my notebook when I was in high school well you know we draw the Van Halen VH with the wings right yeah Aerosmith would rather ACDC logo they were so awesome you're hanging out with him he's fine with the awesome I'm watching yes great guy he's so eccentric I mean like not fake eccentric he's eccentric all the time he drives an old old Rolls-Royce like a Rolls-Royce from 1971 he drove it or he had a man or woman driving it

► 01:23:33

he has a crystal ball crystal ball with him he put on a velvet pillow beside a down there he brings it with him but he's not like trying yeah that's who he is but in a great way likes fun man o do my brother nice to fist fight to his music when I was young music but mostly would listen to him and I love Daryl Smith. I love them all the way through the movie that it was Ben Affleck he remember that like Janie's Got a Gun from a lawsuit with those ballads that they were doing for those love movies I needed that shit yeah I was at emo Nemo brought tears a little bit when I was a kid I always am

► 01:24:24

it's hard for me to keep my emotions away from like the front of my like thoughts and stuff I think so what do you think about if you had to guess

► 01:24:36

is there when I was growing up I didn't have a lot of emotions you know you know and it's okay you know I'm kind of grateful for it I'm grateful to have some of them you know and it's up to me it's you know probably a lot of people like that or just like I like I never knew how I felt you know I was always like have what's going on I would ask my friends who I was I who am I who are you yeah I would ask him and let you know some of my friends were dumb and they wouldn't fucking say anything so I just still be wondering you know and I think as I get a little bit older than I start to get in touch with the morning like a man has feelings how much of a big growth push was it for you to get California being around all those different kind of people be around The Comedy Store and

► 01:25:24

I think intimidating is the biggest thing for me I don't want to bother people yes or no this still is like I'll talk to you know guys that I admire or suffer look up to his Comedians and sometimes I feel I feel when I don't talk to you inferior but I just

► 01:25:42

for some reason I always feel like you know I don't want people to think that I'm trying to take anything from them and so it makes me feel like I was hurt at all even to engage cuz I just think that people are going to think that I'm

► 01:25:58

not trying to be genuine and so and if I don't know how I feel and how genuine I am sometimes or if I question that if I question myself all the time and that makes it even double scary to try and like create friendships and stuff I feel you I know exactly what you're saying but it's getting better I think you know enough that there's been a lot of support like you know guys like you getting to hang out with some of the other guys you know and just realize that we're all the same yeah it just takes awhile to realize that the same feeling I had especially in the 90s know when either way it could have just as easily could have survived yeah those days when you know what you run into people that were successful at see them and I just feel weird do you want to say hi to him felt odd yeah

► 01:26:52

Chappelle when he was like I think he was 18 and I was 21 or 22 or something like that

► 01:27:02

things like 4 years younger than me so whatever that was so it maybe he was 18 I was 4444 so old in that so he must have been 18 and I must have been 24 so when when I met him you know

► 01:27:19

we're both just starting now we're both kids but he got way more famous than me quick and I was more famous for doing other shit like I was famous for Fear Factor and for being on a on a sitcom you know wasn't famous for being myself and so I'd be like weird around him too but you always friendly and would like okay I guess I guess he actually likes me to be comfortable enough in your own skin when I see people like wherever it is like I ran into Patton Oswalt last night game a big hug what's up what are you doing I don't feel weird around him at all right around other famous comedians anymore I question your legitimacy question whether or not you should be there you know question whether you're you're good enough or whether they like you or make me they don't like your kind of Comedy or maybe they don't like what you're doing her yeah yeah yeah there's so many questions is so much in for me

► 01:28:19

what does just been so much in you know a feeling of you know just grown up feeling of self-worth issues and then it man all that kind of stuff but I think it does get better promise sometimes when it gets better you get less funny yeah sometimes we get better you get comfortable when you come to a stop working hard because a lot of what makes you work hard

► 01:28:42

is that insecurity man that said fucking thing that made you need all that attention when you were younger in the first place so you weren't getting it growing up brightness all of us I mean I never met any comedian it's worth a shit that had an awesome life Kronos yeah all of our lives were fucked up more fucked up or weird you went to some crazy shit for sure Walter Lantz on that Walter guy you know nothing happened but it was it was a that was a small moment because it was a big but it wasn't one of the fuck me and I thought it was just a cool old dude that like hanging around with you know younger kids and being friendly to him cuz he was a nice guy would you really in it you think

► 01:29:33

good question I don't know on the base who backed up into a propeller

► 01:29:40

you got fucked up but yeah there was a propeller for airplane you just us kids favorites

► 01:29:51

what the fuck fucking smoothie bro that I read about the Riesling I read about that recently so many did that that's one of my biggest fears walking into something that spin and I don't know it helicopters man that's a dark way to go but yeah I think it is yeah that inferiority stuff it said it said yeah and then Hollywood say it's an intimidating place you know I talked to trust your voice and it's best you don't come out here from the south end you get here and you realize like there's not even anybody the southern accent on cooking network television anymore true after Brett Butler and she was great I thought I miss you reminded me of my mom my mom was pretty jacked you know for like a woman you know the hardest working man I ever met with my mother but she fucking deliver newspapers right now so I can guarantee you in a van with her husband who has dementia and he's probably about 90 but he's in the shotgun dude and she got a thing for the fucking magazine

► 01:30:51

she's dropping this bitches off at a Citgo or a Chevron guarantee right now she's out there man

► 01:30:59

but yeah Holly was definitely it is intimidating to because not for us anymore as much but when you when you're first starting out if you doing any kind of auditioning you realize why people are so crazy and insecure and insincere out here like Bryan Callen has a TV show now yeah yeah he's the coach from The Goldbergs now he's got a spin-off he super happy but he had to do this thing Riesling where he was around all these actors like one of those up thank God they're so exhausting they're not real it's like you're not really talking to you like they like pretending that they're talking to you and I go yeah man that's you got to think of what they do and think about what you did right you go up there ladies and gentlemen Theo Von you go on stage of a scribe and you do whatever the fuck you want man there's no what does no director does No Rider

► 01:31:59

how to do with actors it's all about getting that person in the room who's the the casting agent or the producer to like them that's all it is so you have to be super left-wing super liberal you have to talk like they talk you have to say things it's going to gratiate you with them you going to fit in you got to finish up everybody scared to do anything it's not inside the political Norm write the sociological you know the boundaries that have been set up you got to stay inside those boundaries and so everybody's doing that like everybody can't be left wing out here but everybody is trying to conform to what they think everybody wants them to be like yeah I'm so you're always scared and then you would have to get picked you was get to get picked for things yeah people like me that's why when people make it like a really

► 01:32:59

make it they become fucking nightmare cuz they want to punish people for all those years they were insecure for all those years were they weren't getting picked for all those years they get in there and then they want to be angry but they're afraid to let go of that they're afraid it not suck off the tit you know he can't piss off the tit or you don't got no milk

► 01:33:21

but it's the worst combination ever you know but it's a you think it's going to be if it's sustainable like I don't think I'm connecting with people as much as it used to like you know I want to work on shows and I want to be able to create stuff and do things would you like to be like to act I would like to create some shows I like to create a show based on the childhood you know the neighborhood I grew up in and yeah I wouldn't mind doing some acting but maybe like in that damn Daniel McBride type of vibe you know you just showing your dick verbal and everybody you know and you just fucking Eaton orphans in the back of your brain the whole day brunch smoking fucking cigarettes and blowing Winston yeah having fun and with the directory know that you trust me you could do that kind of stuff that I get you were so good that you could do that I think it just going to take awhile for people to recognize it and you can be able to do that but I think your stand up a so good all that shit is not going to be as fun that's what I think right thanks man

► 01:34:21

appreciate that means a lot bro

► 01:34:24

and I think that that that talent that you have that's that's the funniest shitt you're going to say it's like someone killing yeah you know but far is no way I can laugh harder account doesn't exist I've seen everything I've seen almost every funny movie that everybody tells me I have to see a lot of them are amazing amazing movies and I know it's a different thing but in terms of like the overall impact it's something has when a stand-up comic is fucking murdering just murdering yeah that's the funniest shitt that's available and that's what you do already you already do that I mean I think it's it's a good thing to have Variety in your life and I think you're a talented guy could probably do a lot of different things if you wanted to yeah but don't ever do anything is going to get in the way that stand upright don't it's too hard to get to 15 years I think about it

► 01:35:20

you you weren't as good as you are now four years ago right so 10 11 years in you're still swinging trying to connect and sometimes it doesn't work you know 8 years in not that bad nights off feeling weird doesn't feel good then all sudden 15 years in you're on fire right now you're cooking with gas your smooth and going to get better going to keep getting better there's no way around it if you keep improving and keep working at it and keep analyzing your material and writing a lot and take a chance is on stage and thinking about what you did and listening to your stats you're going to get better and you're already doing something that is so difficult to get really good at it so difficult to get really good at stand up take so long take so much thinking you know it's your always subs like

► 01:36:10

you always subject to fall apart like right now I'm writing a whole new hour I got 6 minutes bro I know exactly how long it lasts the last 6 minutes I got to have 10 times yet before I can go on the road and it's going to take months months months of thinking and I'm going to do mushrooms and I'm going to get an isolation tank and I'm going to go on Hikes with notebook and it's no way around it got to do that work but I'm already out of place where I've done this so many times and I've done seven specials I know how to do it yeah I know it can be done it's got to be the work yeah but could you have to start from scratch we never did it before and get to this point again it would be exhausting would take decades you're there right now you're there when you murder in Theo Von you murder murder in murder man I have fun

► 01:37:10

it oh yeah I feel pretty I am feeling a little more, and I'm definitely feeling more comfortable you know I always feel like we have to do other shit and sometimes it's good to do other shit like I'm a hypocrite because it I mean I do this I love doing this yeah yeah I mean that's true but it's like you you seem to at least be able to sustain and have you know your way of life without having to conform you know cuz it does take a lot of Conformity within Hollywood it seems like you know and I think that's it that's admirable mean you inspire a lot of people you know in a lot of strange ways I think that you probably don't realize sometimes some people you're like maybe a you know like a brother or older brother have a younger brother figure you know like who knows dude and you always stay excited about life like like how the fuck is this dude so excited about everything I know it that's what's up that's what's amazing it's like

► 01:38:02

do there's times now it's weird I was listening to one of your one of your podcast and I was and you were just talking about you know when you don't want to do something you just go do it and that's what I think that's what I don't want to go jog I don't want to go to yoga or don't want to it's just like just go do it you'll feel better at the end and it's like it just it's little things that get stuck in your head man but you know it's me it's about motion you got to stay in motion you know if you just stay stagnant sit down it's not good today I don't want to run today I didn't know me too yeah but when you don't want to do it and you force yourself to do with the feeling you get at the end isn't so good cuz I did I didn't like I will take time off if I don't feel well like if I was like man I think I'm coming down with something work out yes stupid but that wasn't what was going on today

► 01:38:55

today was just feeling lazy and I'm just what it for whatever reason to travel a lot so I could just don't have a the get-up-and-go today yeah but you can force yourself man you just force yourself just just the beginning part that's the hard part is that little punk and then you're in the water but I found myself watching the other night and before I knew it I was out of my seat like this bro like I was at the end of Rudy like it was the end if I can and I've never done that what is going on something's happening to me when I watch him I think he's the best of all time I think it's I really do mean it might be better joke writers

► 01:39:41

is my people have more of a body of work not seen everybody though in terms of like who makes me laugh the hardest for me and it's all very subjective I think Joey Diaz is the fun things got a timer lift I think I mean I love him and I love Bill Burr I mean they're both comedian some guys become celebrities as well and those guys to me or both just hardcore entertainers call me about some someone saying something them after his act ask him if you know as a woman she could give him input on her on his material is like to know walk up to give you their opinion on your material like as if you like I don't even know you when it's crazy

► 01:40:41

now he's like no yeah yeah I saw that too yes oh I'm sorry is there something that I did it was offencive hey I want to keep my career at this house I believe I wish I made a Hollywood this for everybody you know we are we are in the Hollywood this for us bro we're in the store yet it's true man yeah buddy Simon Rex always says to me is me if I'm having a tough moment he's a sweet guy and he's like do week until you get to do look what you get to do you get to be a white guy in a country that you know is still kind of run by white people and and you're comfortable and have a roof over your head and your better you know you're doing better than I thought

► 01:41:40

look I take a black afternoon any day of the week that I have to test drive it first bro but you got I mean everybody even racist people like yell racism in their front yard in no slam the door and go practice the moonwalk in their living room like everybody I think wants to be a little bit black

► 01:42:01

if you did have a pint of black blood right now for African American

► 01:42:06

yeah you can go with tribal tribal yourself

► 01:42:14

you're fucking the closest thing we have to like yeah man I think so but you learn to do a drum bro you can leave at any time that you want man in a heartbeat man

► 01:42:35

Teavana is jamming

► 01:42:37

yeah man I can't believe Steven Tyler was in here you're my brother

► 01:42:54

that was man when I was in high school that song would come on you be like

► 01:43:08

where to pay to get rid of weed Nevada to Bay and I'd like to wear one right now I'd wear a big red one big bushy one

► 01:43:18

what do you listen when you plan

► 01:43:20

what is that

► 01:43:22

did you get two things go on the background I fucked it up horn probably opened up it sounds like what's all the mute the talking girl talking how much accouterments is Steven Tyler have on in Sweet Emotions is a girl talking video

► 01:43:47

oh okay I was so confused cuz it's not us the song Love in an elevator

► 01:43:55

this a great song oh man look at your Perry looking all sexy what year was this

► 01:44:03

91 but I don't know if that's right it's it

► 01:44:07

could have been a Coke when you will always have like everything if you're walking out the door I feel like Steven Tyler has it all on you know coat everything bro everything

► 01:44:23

now I would trade I would give anything to be Steven Tyler does he seem like he's had a really neat life affected he's 70 and he still going strong

► 01:44:40

got an artificial knee no way they replaced his knee did he show it to you and then I replace his other one apparently too and I took I asked him what you walking around fine going to places with tell Mike you got it like look into stem cells regenerative medicine you might not have to replace that so I turn them on some doctors are you doing what are you do you know what I had a full-length tear in my rotator cuff gone the ship works it works hundred percent how much is it for a couple the thing is they can do it better overseas currently in Panama and I had this guy on with Mel Gibson dr. Neil Riordan was 92 news on death's door couldn't walk in a wheelchair now he's a hundred walking around all stem cells they just Juiced him up with that shit they hit you with an IV

► 01:45:40

turn into your injuries regenerates tissue test on something called exomes and exons apparently the the part of stem cells that regenerate tissue isolate those and put those and injuries now they like to keep getting better and better at it like we aren't we just a few Generations away from the parts of your body do you ever feel like a little bit like bomb that you might not be in that generation that makes that now. You look at this the world we are in today is without a doubt the best time to be alive and obviously the 1960s Mickey Mouse is that a tale to tell you hey man you want to go back to the 60s like what drum brakes and fucking shity stereos and get out of here power steering

► 01:46:40

getting hoes down yeah I'm not going to live in 1963 but back then TV baby there was site looking at TV 12in bitch on top of it TVs they would be in love big wooden fucking boxes you open up the door locked closet in the back was all hot it was wild. My buddy had a gas powered unit and that was a modern one my grandparents had one yes the TV would die and when the TV died they put a new TV on

► 01:47:40

top of the cabinet where the old TV set 60 Minutes 60 Minutes hour cocktail a holy shit introduced religion that was like some rear projection shit those always look terrible with their big does are people like cocaine and they were fucking you know just what to say to that American made with Tom Cruise was great movie man oh wait where he does all this stuff down in Louisiana and he's running the planes you see that and I was talking about how big it is and that crazy look what I got to do that commercial is on a step stool in the background did they

► 01:48:33

what was something that you remember that we were like holy shit dancer machines yeah there was a code that you could call in you would call in and you would hit like pound 1 2 3 or some shit and you're answering she would play back your message remember that and you could call remotely what's the deal I got the mushrooms meet me at 3 at the 7-Eleven you like holy shit it's on is that answer machine right there Jamie to cassettes the outgoing to set an incoming can set up and erase a message and you would play songs on your outgoing you don't you know do like your favorite song are we playing any black Joe chops Joe and message you know I'm all cool over here

► 01:49:29

Sweet Emotion dual tape answering machine was a little tiny little tapes motherfucker I'm going digital on top of that then you could you could listen for someone like hey man it's Mike you don't call me back screen calls before that if you decide to take your chances every time you picked every time every time you picked up the phone it could be it could be the dick of anything

► 01:50:14

people call your house late at night and parents get pissed on message from the 7:30 at 7:35 and 9 p.m. yeah that's right you would call up to find what time shit was playing will be 8:10 and 10:30 p.m. to listen to that whole thing only time you can get the newspaper and you trust it and then you went there there

► 01:50:59

that was just a few years ago that's crazy that's unfathomable today it was no more cell phones no more internet on your phone there's no turning back what is going to happen with us it's also no turning back and we don't have now that we just we're used to not having it so it's no big deal about cell phones and the internet because they didn't have it it wasn't something they missed right what's common

► 01:51:25

I know I think what some of it is I think it's just like complete transparency where it's like through people's eyes you have like some sort of thing that can you know exactly like if they're being genuine or what their thoughts are you know I think so I think that's definitely coming like people who are just full of shit oh shit and people lying people who don't want good you know where people are too greedy we just needed something to do something about that, time where you could definitely read people's minds you know they're already figured out a way to implant memories did you read that shit shit about that they've implanted memory they successfully implant in a memory and something what was the thing the implanted and remember some animal does she figured out a way a rack and do it successfully implant a memory

► 01:52:22

so it's going to come a point in time where it's like someone said this is like snail on my way to the rat next. Between sea snails via injection experiment shows some memories are encoded in molecules that form part of an organism's genetic Machinery researchers say I'm too stupid to know whether or not to tell the truth so I'm going to believe them I don't believe what is this in this is in the guardian yeah yeah well they out they had that therapy now the EMDR he ever done that it's where it's like they you hold on these panels and they like it's up there it's therapy and it activates both sides of your brain while you're like remembering old things and then you like replace those old like fears or scary parts of you with like new

► 01:53:17

like new parts like new ideas and new memories kind of and I'm going to a couple times probably maybe 10 times and yeah you go back in your thoughts and it's activating both sides of your brain you can do stuff to your childhood that you weren't able to do when your Kik is only one part of your brain is developing that's what they say huh not have like maybe like it's like probably at father figures up not having like somebody to stand up for me or feeling like you know certain times in my life where I didn't have support you know what I felt like I was alone like you go back in like you plug somebody in there with you that is supportive and so while you're talking about it in this thing's open up both sides of your head it can it can help and what does it help with the phone back over that stuff from your childhood what's good about doing that it replaces that memory with the new memory but it's not even though it's negative beneficial to you because you understand why was bad and then wants some

► 01:54:17

when you have kids you will learn from the mistakes to get Point like you don't want to replace a bad childhood with a good one in your brain didn't have a good childhood right it's okay to have a bad childhood like you've gone through that for someone who is dealing with something extremely traumatic childhood rape or something like that then maybe that make sense yeah violence things almost want something that's like to you all the time it's messing with you messing with your life today but like does your childhood mess with your life today know so I fuck with it that's a good point I mean I never even thought about that I guess yeah maybe that stuff for his people that extremely traumatic I threw you know I shot an arrow and fucking hit somebody on accident and no I didn't but if somebody did I killed an animal with a knife or something bad or you know somebody killed my parents or something then you could go back and yes

► 01:55:17

have a good point yeah I guess some of the stuff it's like them and it keeps them from improving growing as a person yeah look really horrible shit but for us I think it's fuel I think the goofiness of you're in my childhood in the bad that's Legend to become a comedian real I really think that you need to struggle when he was 13 years old on acid

► 01:55:52

Joey Diaz been through everything he seen it all

► 01:55:55

I miss think that there's something to that that makes him so fucking funny you know if you replaced all that childhood would like the perfect loving parents that were you know super engaged in there for him all the time and very supportive and an amazing neighborhood with no violence no crime and all its diversity everybody super Progressive you're not going to get a Joey Diaz. You know the saying for a library and he be one of the hottest women they are probably too at the cafeteria you know it's something really special about him and it's been a blessing to me and him is at like he'll call me sometimes and just like check in on all the time calls me everyday it's so crazy I'll tell you I love you I love you too man but it's crazy like the first time he does it you know I guess me just like not trusting things you know like my own internal think sometimes but then act like the tenth time you like damn man yeah like this guy really thinks it's impersonal

► 01:56:55

can the phone yeah yeah I wonder what the future is going to be like man I feel sad if we get so far away from each other that we don't

► 01:57:04

no remember what it's like to have that got to like a Smiles going to be like in a museum one day you know but if we might get to a point where human interaction is all done digitally that could happen but I think I think it's just we're just going to get used to it just like we're used to this life and we're not living in caves anymore those people that lived in case I go always fucking I don't never want to leave this cash cars near airplanes like when you live in the cave There's No Going to the Bahamas Bahamas bitch you live in a cave is where you live at the fuck out of here if you want to take your fucking family to take your family to the woods you going to get eaten by wolves

► 01:58:04

goes on like this going to be the war going to look back or someone is going something that's different than us now going to look back on us like these dopes with antibiotics and taking vitamins share these fucking morons are coming on each other to unload then comes with a video

► 01:58:31

taking a break drinking milk trying to go back around 3 he would jerk off 3 times a day done it I've never been horny it's almost like I'm trying to see if I could do it like you know somebody else there

► 01:58:59

who are you thinking of I don't know Michael spit maybe somebody who's an answer let's is the Olympic swimmer that good at I just I don't know sex is fucking retarded sometimes you just became a poker player became of professional poker player your new place yeah it's really cool man it thanks for just the inspiration and stuff man

► 01:59:49

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► 02:00:25

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