#1195 - Christina P

Nov 6, 2018

Christina P is a stand-up comedian and hosts a podcast with her husband, Tom Segura, called “Your Mom’s House.” She's also on the new Netflix Original Stand Up series "The Degenerates" streaming now.

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this episode of the motherfuking podcast is brought to you by Netflix specials not really but but kind of I mean my Netflix special strange times big part of what I did this year my favorite special that I did ever I think it's my best one it's available right now you know who else has a special Joey motherfuking Diaz it's called the degenerates it's also available on Netflix along with today's guest the Great and Powerful Christina pazsitzky she has a Netflix special to good googly so much stand up for you

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and on top of that 15% off and free shipping they give you a hundred percent satisfaction guarantee that's how confident they are that they have the best fucking underwear on the planet so to get your 15% off your first pair free shipping and a 100% satisfaction guarantee go to meundies.com Rogan that's me undies.com Rogan for the best God damn underwear there is my gas today as I said before is a great and powerful Christina pazsitzky she is saw the co-host co-host co-host of your mom's house podcast which is one of my favorite podcast fucking hilarious she got to Netflix specials out right now and she is one of the funniest fucking human beings I know please give it up for the great Christina pazsitzky

Joe Rogan Park

all day

Mama

don't don't know...

To do

is it are they making James wonder woman on woman I hope it's a black woman whose queer that's the only way for justice to be served can switch throughout the film depending on that's on binary gender fluid

how much is one very busy in there are cool yeah yeah that's good yeah your highness can be a guy or a girl wow it's gender-neutral your highness now he said I'm a princess I will go okay well your gender in yourself that's true that's true and I refuse to do that I have two little boys and you know we force them to be gender-neutral they don't I was washing machine Cambridge this couple was raising their kid gender-neutral they have two kids and they're both like where I'm at whatever they want I like weird clothes I like that it didn't necessarily they were boys clothes are girls clothes and they didn't cam girls or boys they let him play with anything they wanted they didn't call them boys but when they say it was fucking weirdos just some poor guy

stuck with some crazy bitch and exactly what he was probably trying really hard to be like Progressive and like figure out of what you know what how do we not gender our children and yeah and it's interesting you do that voice cuz I told you up speak at the what's the only way to show your Progressive because people just don't talk like that you need to stop the Caravan before it gets to the wall Donald Trump's RC savior cuz he's like the one who really appreciates like American values never hear that it's only it's only it's a super liberal calling it is it is all we did a clip on your mom's house there is a couple somewhere in the Netherlands and they had a three-year-old zemser child and another

rolled what gender do you feel like today and I'm like almost three-year-old I'm pretty sure he doesn't know that he doesn't think in terms of yeah I don't know I'm whatever but to put the pressure like what are you today what are you feeling my eight year old loves to play with things like race cars and she used to love to play with trucks and she still loves to play She's she loves to play with superhero things like that like some of them are like very booked but then again she loves pink and she likes getting her nails done and she likes licking pretty and chips there's some cool shit that boys like the girls like to look she's pretty aggressive which takes MMA classes and she throws Boys around she gets like super hyped up and she has to wrestle with boys I like she really sheets it's crazy to watch

set a little psycho aggressive eight-year-old but she's also like really sweet like the sweetest kid everybody just gets like real competitive with that kind of stuff magic age 8 9 in girls and then where they're very confident it's like the end of the confidence Sarah and then puberty strikes and the hormones take over and the pressure yeah to be sexy so Pippi Longstocking that cool ass character who was doing that shit member Pippi Longstocking beating up cops just cuz she was a Millionaire on her own or dad was a pirate hell yeah I do remember the name I don't remember the subtitle poorly in her lips you know didn't match up with what she was saying is on Channel 5 in La every Sunday afternoon where is it from originally Sweden I believe Astrid Lindgren wrote these books

her daughter who was that age eight eight years old is a magic age there she is the original one and she said girls are kind of smelly kind of awkward and that's before puberty robs you of your you know this new school I'm talking the old age there a monkey monkeys tell monkey to a scarf out of people but yeah I was raised by single dad somewhat so he gave me like a BMX dirt bike and I would write it in the LA River you know and then I like dolls too and that's what makes a female comic so you might. Yeah there's always something fucked up he has none of us none of us are normal I never met one

singer is my husband I'm sorry mr. Do you love that Garth Brooks is doing. Have you seen that

it's fucking hilarious what is that it's I think it's somebody people don't know we were talking about okay so Garth Brooks

definitely talented I'm not saying that he's a mega mega mega star is he started doing social media is strange as can be

it's so strange yeah he doesn't quite know how to do I think someone telling him like Hey just be personable be fun he just seems so weird and Tom is like constantly on it oh yeah we make fun of him relentlessly on your mom's house it is nice. I forgot that tape and some places really is and so he does he's post where he's like it's it's Trish's birthday that's as well everybody send her pictures of your favorite cupcakes hashtag hashtag hashtag

and him doing the hashtag was rough what the fuck Garth piano mom's house is a fun show when I whenever I want just silly I tune in to you guys thank you you rarely deviate from silly just just just goofing off on shit all the time to always completely Preposterous and this new guy that you guys been following the try it out guy what the fuk can we plan yes we can play on this is a real thousand percent real we loved you on your mom's house you fit right in thank you and I hope you come back I would love to I'll do it anytime please we're all the neighborhood parts and dicks and guys who don't know how to ask for a lady's affection properly will you also find people online that are just the most Preposterous people's lives to give me some volume of this guy

this is the right Clips she's he's looking for love there's also on if you type in I'm looking for hardcore guys to come to my show so I can play this guy

you're a hot black guy you want to fuck me at 2395 if you want to move in you can move in with you I don't fuk do you have any I need you fucked a lot man can read free food free rent and everything else man here's the deal man then from jail homeless Orem your Thug want to come move in a friend come home to man free renting and leasing 2K fuck me home now you see me when I come over today and try. Try that man if you my building tried out my fucking pissed let me try it out she had applied only as fuck man I'm looking at the clock and mean it want to do it I want to deliver it hella hot but white trash come to the fuck fuck fuck oh my God it's just listening you got to see this guy the fucking see sincerity in his eyes and he's saying these things need to get laid watching your face

was probably my favorite thing in life what do I do it was like a look of like I made you sad I didn't feel so swear that I look sad maybe I'm at him hiding that I'm sad to myself maybe I'm hiding it for myself but this guy really needs it and he really puts it out there

I'm a white trash come dump like what anybody men from jail animated version of it all guys and then people started to submit their own takes the stairs Tommy doing Friday

stupid I don't care Flint from jail and dog want to come move in with you man free renting and leasing a key fuck me know when just a little bit Jamie is now what do you think he sent me one more time bracket Lisa McKay fuck me take me home now you see me what do you what do you hear that

do I take the song you beat me home now

hope Manor

element HOA man out is one potential

who has it take me home now

how many ounce how many for the government and we're trying to decide so I could tape like we have to find out where the kidnappers being held home in like stripped audio that I missed your train in the distance audio experts in a room somewhere got it out whole man out whole man out who it could be or could be I'm home I'm home here now cuz he gets out of the address to go to 2395 and we cut it cut it out beat me home now there's no final answer on that you have to talk to him have you reached out to him

cash maybe on the East Coast somewhere I can a stripper won't respond and we've reached out with offers of money and they won't do it and it's so weird it's always the ones we want the most never quite a cheating ass Riverview just farting in your room though oh yeah would you want that I like to talk to him I'd like to know in the room all the time because that's really rude repellent to women but maybe maybe like for him it's a turn-on too far I like you even though it's like probably discussing two women maybe it's for him it's a turn-on to be disgusting the repulsion think so she's like oh my God you're so nasty and then she

thanks for sharing their pants and stuff when they were young they develop this weird thing about shit like being naughty and they even connect like sexually being naughty with shit and farts things like that I had to finish that's they say That's How The Fetish starts right Chris Ryan was trying to explain to me one day dr. Chris Ryan from sex at dawn the book and he was saying that there's an imprinting stage and young men's lives where like they like even a young man that's not gay like say during is imprinting stage they're very young they get their dick sucked by a guy and they they orgasm they could potentially get turned on by guys sucking their dick even if they're not gay because it's imprinted on them at a very early age like by them getting molested at an early age it's fux with their sexual like what in their mind is considered sexual pleasure

wires get crossed earlier than maybe you're attracted and repulsed at the same time to a man and they're like I don't know if I'm there I kind of want to do this but I don't want to be at your also turned on yea shame a lot of fun I'm sure attached to that to you for sure yeah and a lot of anger you know what's really strange is when you go back to history how often men were having sex with young boys many many different ancient civilizations thought it was normal for men to have young boys as you know as sex partners fucking strange yeah and then the Christians right then the Christians come along and they're like wait a minute

only really gets raped or my most shocked that I ever am when people get upset at me as well as shit on Catholicism is one of shit on child molesting like what are you away pretending that this shit isn't happening constantly right I mean if if they were anything outside saves the NBA of the NBA was traveling around just fucking kids are playing basketball yeah but they're fucking kids like who would say yeah but the man they playing good basketball layout shell three-pointers from the outside they are playing some serious basketball and sometimes they fuck some kids how do you say that guy sees accused of sexual abuse abuse meeting with Bishop Malone Catholic priest

Blue from Ministry in Oklahoma this is one day's worth in Philadelphia that was just last month where was it a thousand different kids have been molested by these priests thousand different children in Pennsylvania like what in the fuc folks so why are they protected from law like I know cuz in the church you said they move them around right Cedar who ever goes yeah I got his appendix on and let's just move them to a different things are protected because people believe in God they're protected because people believe in Christianity they don't they don't want to attack priest because they feel like that's an attack on the church and they feel like there's going to be blowback politically and they're worried about it because people have this need for church and their there they're terrified of someone comes along and says hey we're going to do like as the international community's going to do a full-scale investigation into the Catholic church and we going to lock people up that's the reason why the Vatican is its own country

passport Lisa it's an actual range for a separate entity little tiny ass please people in the Vatican built the nation of kid Fockers FOX app for now don't fucking Colts actually are but do you believe in when do you believe in God or not those are Cults their ancient Celts When You Believe in the scripture or not the Catholic church is clearly a cult and it's a call that I was a part of I mean I went to Catholic School my family is Catholic a meeting around my whole life nobody ever molested me and the church but I got lucky I know I got lucky I know people that got molested I have friends that told me stories about being chased by priests and I have friends that told me stories about a guy that they knew that got molested like damn he got them he got them like they knew about this precent

at one of their friends and this is just all across the country and then the numbers that went to justice so small so small in comparison to the actual axe it's it's really crazy that people get upset at you saying this I can see what it's crazy right like let me defend my pedophile priests like I love this guy like what why are we still invested in this and you know what happened ever since I had kids to I I kind of see the world a lot differently you know when I before I had children I was like sure you know God could exist I'm spiritual and now I'm like I just got to defend my children from the fucking evil and Insanity of this world and it's jungle law and like I don't know I don't I'm not spiritual really will people can go bad for sure there's there's something about people that

when it goes wrong you know whatever for whatever reason people can go back they can go bad serial killer style that can go bad rapist style I mean how many guys are out there dropping pills in the girls drinks Still Still Still hundred hundred percent it's happening all across the country all across the world all the time he there's just fucking disgusting human beings there's bad people out there and there's people that got fucked over and they want to pay people back you know they're upset that they got a shit deal and they want they want other people to suffer yeah it's traumatized people right doing all this shit traumatize people like I always laugh at the the anti-bullying stuff like I'm not propylene clearly but it's such a misguided effort to try to completely eradicate the world of bullet we're going to stop like no your not dude because you have to stop stupid if you're going to stop the bullying cuz stupid people have

kids don't raise the kids well those kids are angry cuz they have stupid parents never used it home and then they hit your kid and what you can do is teach your kid you know to not be a victim in the fucking kick a guy in the nuts but now we don't teach that to show yourself and then you could be the problem of reason to express violence for violence and that time is when you defending yourself because someone is fucking with you and if you don't do something they're going to do something to you there's times and no one's there to save you that's real and if you don't teach your kids that they're going to be real confused at that moment does arise I'm going to look around for someone to save them there's no one there exactly and that's very unfortunate no one wants it you know no one wants that to be the case but it is the case it's reality you know if you just

Fierce around a bunch of bad people and you hope that nothing goes wrong it's that's not a effective way to prepare yourself for what could happen that's the thing about having kids right beside thinking of the world is being like this like dangerous and place it becomes a different world fucking Cesspool exactly who's Crazy before you were like I don't know people are generally okay and then you see the fucking try it out guy thugs to fuck him and piss on them but you got to listen to key to have to fuck you or can I just go over and kick your ass or anything

but I don't know what you mean 95. Once you punch him a couple times going to go fuck me in the ass like no no I'm just going to beat you up I'm just here for the beating you up

have you ever I mean not at that level

completely on your mom's house we've been at featuring desperate dude more like making videos like that's a try to court a lady or gentleman but maybe kind of misguided like not yeah I tried out whatever whatever I'm fucking horny like we know you're horny broke you can't just come out and say I'm really horny come and fuck maybe with other dudes yeah like but a woman's not going to respond yeah women that's why I buy Playgirl didn't really work what were those dating services like an idiot sorry I was like a joke on Mad TV or SNL related you passed tapes and they can make a video video dating profile did that ever work with it or keep the guys to people that needed dating services back in the 80s those people are losers

you know I mean if people mostly would just found somebody okay go somewhere like a normal fucking person you meet people fucking weirdo but nowadays it's way more, because of like Tinder and normal folks do it Chris Rock was talking about being on dating apps Chris Rock son but for a while yeah he was on dating apps and someone was like why would you do that you're Chris Rock he goes because I'm Chris Rock Olivia's joke around about his like the hell is a great way to meet him now they know who I am I am just not exclusive to celebrity celebrity one where you just didn't gold diggers just girls want to get famous future reality stars future Housewives of Beverly Hills those fucking crazy bitches so my mother or her second husband they met on a dating ad in the back of like an Indian newspaper my mother like Indian guys

didn't like my friend from Punjab yeah yeah yeah yes and so she put an ad love and she believed that Indian men are more educated overall she like them I like them tall dark and handsome she was a Hungarian lady and she just thought they had more money and and more smarts social money and she wanted to be wifed up and taken care of so she put an ad in the back of the Indian newspaper she said Buck some European woman looking for

was it well fee you know Indian guy dude we got a bag of letters like a bag from every Indian dude in LA county and you can you send a picture of himself in an Armani suit this is a 1989 what is Mercedes in the old school cell phones like that big ass wine and she was like that's the one they're married small fire in cell phone. That Brick from The Wall Street movie Michael Douglas walking around with that can I give a fuck about his cell phone bill this is talking to people on that beach connected to the car was like permanently in the car was on the floor it was bolted in and then I would I can make a phone call from the unit speaker phone I can talk while I was driving speakerphone

not a 1988 Honda CRX for me I could take out and put in a suitcase to if I remember correctly movie not maybe another one maybe I got another one afterwards I was like a suitcase one he had like a tiny TV put in on the radio that they had tiny little square television is black and white and I can watch cartoons on the way to school and I was like this dude my kids zone the fuck out when I get my car cuz my Lexus has these things in the back seat when there's like a little iPad on the back screen look and watch a screen it's like a 10 inch screen on the back headrest so they do watch movies and stuff for kids like those rear Entertainment Systems if you have a long trip but see what you got to drive the same

disco that's three movies oh yeah that's all that is scary movies what you guys want to watch now touching me with their feet stop it stop touching me I can't wait for all that it's fascinating like other people's really shity handiwork in terms of like the way they're raising their kids like oh my goodness tell me about it because I'm only have A3 year old and a three month old so I'm just now in the kind of the preschool and I see other parents and I'm like this is what you go to be careful love you got to be careful of the parents that like to go to parties and they leave their kids outside with other kids and they go inside and drink and then don't watch their kid at all and it's usually usually boys people have boys and and the boys usually one of hitting kids and what's going on is that kid is not getting any fucking attention and not getting any Parental Guidance and they're just loose and Wild

and I've had this incident happened more than once but one of them egregiously what is kid hit both of my kids and one of them more than once in the parents are still inside drinking the hell no hole in the head in a little bit like 6 and then like how many you got to watch your kid he's a grass while he's a good kid he's always a good kid you don't even know you were in here drunk your kids out there jumping around in a fucking trampoline beating kids in the head stepping on their hair like literally kills like a little aggressive kid called another kid a loser and push them, loser what kid call someone a loser gets called a loser yes there's will someone's calling someone a loser in front of that kids six-year-old calling people losers

and every now and then I see the parents I'm like Jesus Christ how to get the fuck away from them and have a conversation with the dad is trying to tell me these kids are good kid like okay kids are good kid I tell him you get your kid pushed kitten call the blue door that didn't happen so it didn't happen all right man I don't know what to do other than what I want to do just freaked out I want to freak out and start yelling at you you fucking asshole you drunk piece of shit yeah and here you're not even paying attention your kid you got a bad kid you got a kid do you have been paying attention to your these are older people and they had a kid Layton life

they are barely paying attention one kid not really into it let me just roam just let him roam you know that's going to get going to get kids that have cell phones at like 6 years old send your boys does dirty little sluts tell him tell him about the law and definitely tell him no pictures of your dick but I mean list I don't even know who's doing it as an adult sending your dick to a fuck I don't know was not long enough to not send any big pictures I've never seen other people so I can think of that

do you get that dick pic no no no, send me whatever.

Or Redban or Segura yeah it's I think that that is like one of the most misguided things ever like the random dick pic that the guys that don't even know girl will send it goes back to what women don't want like

not like sweet cock get over here and also give a girl to send you a picture of her pussy like whoa how many people is she sending that picture to like that picture if you can like go through her phone and it was like a record of how many times have pictures been sent

a girl says pussy pictures she sending them to everybody she just she just scattershot just shooting them out into the cosmos someone's going to be into it some chick is better than he does it because it's worth somewhere somebody's going to be like oh yeah that's the one how many there's so many thirsty girl pages of the girls sticking their butts out girls in underwear like there's so many of those pages like thirst traps but there's not that many for guys like a bodybuilder Toy Show me the ones I've seen is there's a there's a few Choice ones now

yeah well my favorite okay my favorite trap though is that the girl that puts it out there and then when the guys are like nice tits really know and some respect and then they get mad like don't just look at me for my tits like lil bro you can get any kind of then she is not the reaction you are kind of looking for as like you put your boobs out there I mean I don't do that cuz I don't want people to write that stuff you know it's kind of not on my agenda. You're entitled to nothing you get reactions you're entitled to nothing and like there's nothing she can you put photos to anything I don't want to give away your bit but you discuss Megyn Kelly

yeah but she's on a news channel not dress like a news person who I didn't know this until after special came out she came up to me and said that she used to work with Megyn Kelly at Fox News shoes to like be one of our assistance and she was like she would tell the door Joe people to make the dress is shorter but that's too long make that dress shorter she knew that she was cute I wish I could she was so hot I mean she's still a beautiful woman but God damn during like 10-15 years ago she was up fucking smoke show

Hitman she's a gorgeous woman and women for being but it should be a but you know that's kind of what you're not entitled to any specific reaction you're going to get reactions and people are entitled look as long as they're not like threatening you or you know physically doing anything to you what they're doing is reacting just what you're putting out they don't have any obligation to react the way that you would like now no not at all those ass tits and all your mouth your picture on my phone and I'm jerking off too what's wrong with you you don't you don't

yeah you know I just I just ate yeah I guess I never I never LED with that, but I'm not listen I'm just as thirsty as is that bitch what innocent like you know where strippers to comedians are fucking strippers like we want the attention but I don't want it for this I prefer to get it for my mind or whatever a pretty know whatever it is I prefer to get it from but it's this the stripper thing comes from a for-sure variety of different places there's definitely women that are strippers that are doing it just because they're pretty and it's a good way to make a lot of money that are doing it because they have any sort of Need for attention and extraordinary need for sexual attention and a lot of them been molested and that's more the case with pornstars apparently

there's there was some crazy study on pornstars where they were they were going over just another just like a random survey then went to them and ask them how many of them been molested girls like 9 out of 10 would like some crazy number it's like when you when you're watching people fuck on camera and you know a lot of people watch it I would I would imagine not you ask majority of males in specifically watch porn watch some kind of porn and you're essentially watching the product of either a completely set to Liberty liberated woman who likes doing that which is possible sure sounds like dr. Drew doesn't believe it's possible at all even if from a woman who who said yes it from an apartment until she got into an Ivy League school and wanted to pay for it definitely exists in the world however in might experience experience a nest

Haitian I would say it's likely that's what you mean it's possible it's probable so if you're a woman out there that liberated person doing porn this you know how many more molestation senior pass you're getting upset right now where we we acknowledge not trying to diminish your perspective but it just it's an odd thing that that leads to all the sex and it's also an odd thing when you look at the sheer volume of people fucking like for a living that's a lot of foreign auto part and I have to say it can't be that lucrative anymore because of the internet price of a joke about it where I was like I need to bring it back to figure out how to do it correctly cuz I kind of abandon it but the premise was who's seen all the porn like why they making new porn porn like what you guys doing

wasting your whole life will be like super specific scenes No I don't want doggy style I want to be able to see her feet okay the back of her feet and Toes in a certain position like take a break take a week off bro but apparently there is a need for it because they're making it and people are consuming this really the lanes right well I think it has to do with the fact that people are always ramping up in like if you if you give person a car that has a hundred 50 horsepower they want to call those 200 horsepower and then next year that car better be faster in the air after that it better break better and then you have to die and they were constantly trying to get that new charge and so are you coming face okay and this is where it all goes like ass to mouth and gagging and all that crazy shit comes from

look like watching so much porn but just regular stuff's not doing anymore they want to go they want to go to be smacked they wants not to come out of her mouth and tears come out of erised cut stuff that's what they want and this I don't fucking get it but it it's it's this psychological trait that people have is ramping up the bigger better deal constantly wanting something more extremely violent movies today like Joey and I were talking about The Exorcist the other day but still be so boring it was me talking about the girl Linda Blair who played Alex Grey how do you always has the best take on share right there was kind of fucked-up from that admittedly

movie ramen up across and her pussy of course I mean I know I love Chu Kang of the green shit and you forget how slow that movie is but watch it now in the pacing out of it you're like holy let's get to something you know it cuz now I don't even watch the Chanel scary movies but it's way more did you see the new Halloween bad ass and she's a Jamie Lee Curtis is like preparing for when he returns she lives in a compound object fucking guns and shit she's like locked and loaded ready to fuck up Michael Myers be comes out of the grave again but like that Terminator check number when she was working out waiting for him I have a millennial babysitter who works for us and I was like hey did you did you know that

Curtis was a hermaphrodite and she goes intersex now and I was like no you got it, just maybe a piece of shit so I can tell everybody was and they cut off the painter and yeah she was so hot when she was young she was hot statuesque showers real today when you have a couple of kids and you breastfeed then they turn into girls sloppy hangers when I got I got to do something about what you going to do going to fill them up lifted and just put in the same place they were and maybe when do Stephen

really have them I had an ex Big O Titties she was born with them and they were so bad but what I met her she already had a breast reduction she still a pretty big ol titties but she just was you know she'd like double apps just naturally those are big but they were also like it was so annoying cuz it's all guys would see big giant tits coming our way for girl yeah she said she had back problems to do a lot of Pilates to strengthen the back to keep my tits off strong to keep the frame that holds the tits right people that frame locked up and then place is nothing like that for dudes right with it we kids too big like no dude you're out there getting dick reductions or

you know what to do get though but you're choosing thing that I've been fucking I got a project I turn on TV once just a couple months ago and I just stumbled upon this show called botched yes I like this this is on the E channel is fantastic you know there's a lot of theirs there's this one guy who is on who was helping the guy that got like surgery and the guy who is helping the guy got served one guy was getting surgery cuz he got his Peck replaced head like a pack problem that seems crazy to me well he actually he had like some sort of an accident where he lost his pack course of the game of packing plant seem pretty normal you look better use for happy but the guy who he was working with and I don't know what relationship they had in the Cena what weather is got out of the doctor

this guy was like a plastic man like his forehead was locked down it wasn't going nowhere was Botox to the Oblivion he had cheek shots and his facial fillers his eyebrows have been done he had fake tan he had yeah that's him there you go that's the guy well whatever he is but he has all these implants he has implants in his chest and implants in his biceps and he was doing all that like to look good so but he was joking around about how even though he has always implant is still not strong so he couldn't do a chin up like this is so crazy like this person isn't this is but he was the one that was helping the other guy do plastic surgery

he was helping the other guy problem packing plant normal problem and then filled it in and then it looks like hell yeah look at the guys got two packs now

but the show is insane you see these people that get this sort of what's that word for it you know girls who have double F tits and then want a bigger and bigger and bigger I'm always reluctant to go back just because I am I fooling I'm 42 years old it's okay I'm not was it doing to you what is it what is paralyzed if they put botulism in your face which is why I'm also reluctant because you know that shit's not been studied really I mean come on how do we know it was going to happen so I got a wrinkle here so they'll put it here and they freeze the muscle it paralyzes it so you can't make you can't scowl is that's my what the fuck is going on line so you can't do the gesture that creates the wrinkle so it's more of a pre-emptive

so you should start doing early as what they say about being a comic and making bracelets prussians I'm surprised I swear I swear I'm just done you want to see a show there's a show on Netflix where people go to Thailand for cheap plastic surgery don't know where did you go check my where's that it is Northern Thailand it's really close to where those kids got trapped in the cave yeah we got there right after they can arrest you to those Happy Times Thailand people are so friendly and the food was amazing we took cooking classes that we we hung out with elephants and an elephant Sanctuary that was pretty badass

they're so not there so kind you get super nervous around when you first around them cuz they're so God damn big but then afterwards you realize like they're just gentle Giants there if they're so sweet and these animals at this one place we went to it's a rehabilitation place so they would take you out animals that have been to the circus and they've been harmed or mistreated and they bring them back and even release them into the Wild Wadi around with them in the woods like we took them for this long hike will you ride them all through the woods so it was like a couple miles wet and need to stop and eat things so they don't they don't have to worry about feeding them they're fucking

pretty confident like that they know what to eat to just grab leaves and start shoving them in the mouse Rock and then they shit and piss and you can't believe the volume the vote. You hear the logs hit the ground like what is happening and then you look down the shitter you like oh my God just was just bushels of shit boom boom boom giant clumps of broken down vegetable matter come up to you rub their head and they did like you actually kind of bond with them because you feed them sugar cane like when you get to know them you wash them the first thing that they have you do is you wash them and you feed them so you were I think we got them first then wash them and they will he's like just big piles of sugarcane and you handle these pieces of sugar can is chewing crotchet swallow it and then they and they take it from you like real gentle and so fucking 2000 + pound animal what

the hell it is plugged bigger than that and if so kind just like real easy they don't they walk around you they don't try to knock you over there just real relaxed to help you get up if you want to ride them and let them with their arm up so you can step on their arm and then you climb onto their back but they're they're interesting animals in other really are there their they're really sweet and this area that we are at they actually have elephants that live in Thailand actually live in the wild cuz I'm too many of them but they've introduced they think they said 7 new ones to the wild from this Sanctuary outside Glory badass but it was interesting to get to see them with their they're free there free roaming the Rome all around that area they're not in Penns then I thought captive the basically just freely roaming and then they feed them and take care of them and they know the food going to be there on and then they just eventually get him to the point where they can be free again that's so nice

people are so friendly I so nice if they're very always smiling and thinking of you and they're super the really friendly all throughout that the country people super-friendly like that don't elephants I'd just ate for like years about getting fucked by another elephant never seen it I don't think so does that come out of a sheet I'm sure right and no it was driver Sigourney Weaver look at history Network driver is Whitley strieber is the guy who was behind he wrote he's an author it's the whole story is really suspect he wrote that movie what was the movie he wrote

it was brought up one of those Alien movies one alien abduction movies and it wrote it that it was based on his own life that actually happened the problem was he was already this fiction novelist whose writing these wild stories and they decide to say this one's real and it got all sorts of traction but you know it's all like being abducted in the middle of the night and taking out of his bed by aliens and brought two ships and scientific experiments like that kind of stuff I don't care about your but the weirdest things that they have to go up your butt always sort of fantasy and anal fantasy

thank you see if you paralyze the number one fear that some was going to put something up your butt while you're out the other thing is I think the other thing is I think they were at people worry about being impregnated or having their baby taken showing them the aliens that's a common theme to happy Friday that we've been to Roswell New Mexico area that's where the crash happened in 1947 Specht the story of what happened it's like there was some wreckage they found they flew the wreckage in two separate planes to Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Trumann actually met them there

like whatever the fuck did crash it was enough importance that Truman flew out and they flew into separate planes in case one of the planes went down this was this is the folklore in the next day they had this press conference now I probably made a mistake was just blown and then my joke. I still was like what about the aliens those Mexicans got drunk did there are the Mystic the balloon for pinata everyone's fine the whole story behind it the problem was it got put in the Roswell Daily Record that the military is recovered a crashed flying disc and then everybody went fucking bananas so no one really knows what actually happened obviously

did you ever hear why the pic Wright-Patt cuz it's in the middle of Ohio things just a big Air Force Base is not Wright-Patterson Air Force Base where Hangar 18 was like but Hangar 18 was another famous thing in UFO folklore UFO folklore there was like this is supposed Hangar 18 and 1/2 find out where that is Hangar 18 was supposed to be this place where they stored all of the crash wreckage from various UFOs over the last few decades cuz apparently that's been numerous crashed UFOs alien planets the website about it

is a Squarespace website the animated little gifts did you see the movie Ryan Gosling. I heard it was good though it was really good did you love it didn't put the American flag down there was something you said there was something he brought his daughters necklace up he has his young daughter the Laura should he put his daughter necklace there and I don't know I didn't bring yes Loosely that's what they're saying it's probable that that happened the flag thing I don't even remember there was some sort of controversies the didn't plant the US flag people are upset and there was

let you know in this climate they just thought it wouldn't be a good idea to express nationalism or something I remember reading some cockamamie reason why they didn't have the flag that actually had the flag you fuck they're actually if you believe in the moon landing you believe it happened you want to show me a movie of it yeah sure the flag they put it in the ground is a big part of the program in the fucking dirt on the moon that's right it's there and now he also peed Brown on the way up on the Ford Adrian and I heard you just peed brown little bro it was more like amber colored that's more like iced tea colored eyes why was a little worried about there something called Rhabdomyolysis that when you do CrossFit or actually couple Fighters have died from actually just found out about that this weekend that fighters who have been over train going into fights and then exerted themselves to extreme during the fighting and died afterwards a couple of them turned out to have had

Rhabdomyolysis which is that your muscle tissue breaks down your liver crashes are you kidneys crash rather I didn't have that I just said I was just dehydrated. That was pretty gnarly I was sweating at a rate that I couldn't possibly keep up with just trying to rehydrate normally busy right now I know it was it like like being the wife of a person who is involved in this I hate it so much I hate that you guys do this shit car that party show surfing in rad stay on a board longer like who stays on the board for the most amount of time in the month I love this challenge cuz I love surfing I learn to do it in my twenties I'm terrible at it but that's like that's what it's so incredibly difficult to have you served

practice we can't practice okay yeah we got to wait till October and then do it I will say the oceans very called and I told her that someone special soon I'm sure they're going it's going to have Kevlar and it says sharks can't eat me I'm not getting aided by no big fish so tell your husband Tommy buns is the one who came up with the fitness challenge and it was only like the last couple days before October like we hadn't really decided on what we're going to do in fact we were even thinking about repeating AR-15 yoga class thing ugly kind of settled into that I was like okay I can do 15 year old classes and we kind of decided that's what we're going to do and then I know where your husband goes hey I've been doing the fitness thing I wear this app maybe we could just see who gets the most points for a month of life okay I didn't think anything

wearing it you weren't excited about that idea I thought it would be fun but I didn't think you would be a psycho battle to the death what was as a spouse of the summer is the sobriety Parts not too difficult for Tommy it's the time away from the family it's like he would go be like bye I'm going to go hike for 6 hours and we live near Hills and I'm like there's fucking rattlesnakes and cougars and you better be back before Sundown dude you know and then he got sick so he was doing it on antibiotics which is crazy I don't want him to be doing that she ever teen miles on antibiotics crazy that is so hard to do breakfast and he was like well Joe's going to be first there's no question like so it was more about who's going to be second and third

points and try to pretend that you know that he wasn't a threat

it really was sneaky super sneaky yeah he came close he came he was the closest to me and he was he was the most sneaky he's definitely the most sneaky what do you mean like what was his house he sneaky like you should just work out normal and see if you beat us and if you just try to beat us to be too easy I do that re like yeah I decided early on that I was going to beat him but I decided that the first I was like this is so stupid about this competition of my life I could not live with myself if part one that was a big part of the problem but that really it happened though I have all you guys you never know if we fucked off on fucked off everybody went hard even Bert you know it's probably used to him being gone he's just not hear more

a lot of my working out at home you know cuz I have a gym in my house so wasn't they knew where to find me to make fun of me at your own specially cuz she thinks it's hilarious she's like you better win you better win that was so funny she's a funny little fucker really you got a raise them sassy girls the princess it's horrible to think their princess is it in Ghana right now like that like that means you're a part of a monarchy and you're pressing all those presents this is back in like the 90s and he was he was very Pro black black I was very proud and he said one of the most ridiculous things any person to ever said he's talking about

black people today goes black people got on the stand back in the day we were Kings and I know you will you couldn't be all Kings I go listen listen to you understand of Kings work there's one person and that person dominates all these other people with power and the way they do it is through threat and Military and they kill people who present like you don't want to be a king man their dicks don't ya it's one of the most terrible things to be is the king of you don't even get elected into office Tramp you just a king you of ultimate power you abuse of shit out of it you weren't all Kings like you can't be all can you can't say we were Kings no God damn that's a stupid thing to say is God God ordains the King right I watch those. I love those historical thing I started to you as a good sporting good alright for episodes on episode 4 really kicks in one of our friends and told us so I watch the first

monkey episode 2 comes on About Time episode for Rolls-Royce

I like all that stuff it's good that you could just get executed back then or daddy that's what Putin's doing that's what they do in North Korea you know yeah you're going to be my new hoe you know about this no journalist got assassinated by the Saudis he went into the the embassy in Istanbul cuz his wife went to Turkish Embassy cuz his wife was Turkish and you try to get married to her the Saudis had sent 15 Hitman to meet them there they strangle them and dismembered him with bonesaw what about in suitcases and they brought in a guy who was a forensics expert he was one of the 15 people so they brought in someone who would know how to manipulate the date

and the Turkish apparently they said that they have all they have video and audio evidence that he was murdered there but they can't release it because then it'll show the people how they spy on them oh my God that's so crazy I did a military gig in Saudi Arabia right before I 2007 and I actually had two passports when I went to go do this military tour and I didn't know why and we get to Riyadh and they give them this passport the second one that we gave you which is completely blank and just had my personal information I know and we go in there and then go it's Thursday it's Chop Chop Thursday it's a public execution day do you guys want to go see it and I was like I don't know I don't know like on the one hand kind of curious on the one hand no we couldn't do it because somebody some guy had do I put a bomb up his butt

blown up of a prince or something so we couldn't go but yeah public executions they want you to see that you know how to keep people in line and it's terrifying I don't know women can't women to drive now I hear it stoned to death in front of her buddy sure yeah sure they behead people they do all kinds of crazy shit to journalist yeah we walked bloggers up for life people disrespect the crown it's crazy shit yeah email family member companies 2018 clock and try getting out of there you know to come here from some countries like Cuba I am just getting a raft you make it to Miami like you're in bro

eventually that was his parents wanted him right remember they had a gun they fucking at the machine guns the kid was in the closet like what the fuck why they sent him home there was some circumstances to that was was it Dad in the old country and Mom in this country and there was a yeah but for the most part they don't Deport you when you make it from Miami to Miami rather from from 2 but you're good bro

and survived that's it how long would that take took a long-ass time for doing a mile an hour take you 90 minutes

190 mile an hour to 90 hours rather have your paddling how fast can an hour it I mean sharks you seen Moana sharks fish or freshwater what are you drinking on your journey as you can before then go to drink your piss on your back and bring your ass to you if you grab your hands behind your ass bring it to yourself that's right your mouth

don't want to lose any of its precious moisture in and out in and out why did see that I've seen a lot of those shows I like the Survivor it was one of them I'd like to learn how to survive I wouldn't be good at it would you do Naked and Afraid stupidest one that's a stupid ass fucking show why would you want to be naked you need to be know your buttholr something about that as far as you can take it like okay we're going to have people survive yeah I like Survivorman yeah but how people to do the don't know what they're doing yeah good idea and I'm naked you okay

Jesus you don't care about people at all why would you want to do that right now you get people and one of them is hot and the other ones fat disgusting and you have naked together well I like to watch I used to like Survivor when they put the fat people on the island and then I get real skinny by the end of the show that was kind of cool right weight loss show wait yeah yeah if you're fat you actually have an advantage weight to lose your really skinny you can't remember one time someone killed something like a rabbit or something and everybody freaked out people are so mad he well they could be serving them chicken out of a bucket no one said a word so stupid Oh my God you killed ever have it with a knife well yeah you don't want to do that what do you want the rabbit to live forever and become an angel when he's the fuck is wrong with you of rabbits live 2 years my kids at a pet rabbit they live like to know it's the worst gerbils hamsters hamsters the

how 2 years we had 103 was a miracle amazing the last 12 months for incredible year didn't give a fuck about that thing it's like they they say they wanted hamster like all we want a hamster or we want a hamster okay let's go to Hampshire we're going to play with it all the time we promise okay okay they get it they pick it up a couple times like right back of the damn cats and dogs you don't which are real to help everything else is bullshit pet he can't really play with it can't snuggle with a hands-free can't teach it to do anything the worst I think is Birds a fucking shit all over your house if you let him out one thing we did do is we raised a hummingbird we we brought it back to health and then released it we found a hummingbird was a baby hummingbird that have fallen out of the nest and it was really tiny and so we took it in

and we didn't know how long it was going to live like man to see my dying I said what do we do and then we we had a Google what they eat and bathe basically sugar water so we basically put sugar and mix it in with water and put it in his his or her little box I'm going to call his or her box and they box and

we fed them and they they them pronouns and a month and then eventually it got to a point where it was going to happen around inside the box and seem to be healthy but let us hold it and everything was really crazy like totally attached to us and then we let it go and flew away in the beginning and couldn't move his wings right we didn't know what to do with it was wounded to the point we're going to have to take it and get it fixed somewhere and you know what do you know about a month so crazy I have a feeder outside the kitchen window and I love to watch them I get so excited when they come it's like makes my day like those little tiny wings to their wings are so small that's what's odd like every bird has like a wingspan but they're wingspan is like half the size of a normal Birds wings

and they just go a million miles an hour and then go left and right up and down and they just took their ability to change direction is so strange and hover I think just have perfectly in the air and then turn it off and then come back and hover yeah very unusual design ever seen one get fucked up by praying mantis praying mantis will hide underneath bird feeder and just sit there and you like the praying mantis can't fuk of that bird it's smaller than the bird kill hummingbirds up to the nest they climb to the theater and they just sit and wait and cuz they look like sticks you know and they blend in with the color of the tree there on you know cuz they camouflage their color

can't watch this look at this mother fucker I'm just hanging out there totally frozen and these birds don't have any idea what's going on it seems like he's kind of That's a Wrap son know the crazy knowing it.

Faster than him doesn't matter doesn't it only has to be fast for a second it only has two clampdown those draws a person's saving it person saved it. The person is an asshole hurry cuz it does so the order of things I gave away is punch is really like telegraphing his moves and that was to get out of there I see this shit happening just get out of a stupid ass bird we have an owl in our backyard and one of the coolest things is when the Sun goes down we sit in the backyard and we watch that fucker come out of the big tree that lives in New Jersey now come out to hunt for the backyard me like that dude he's out he's going to catch some shit tonight put your dogs away population down to yeah we got lots of those cuz we have fruit trees so fucking rats

but the thing is if you look at the size of hummingbird and the size of the praying mantis he would go there's no way where's it going to eat it can't even does not even know if room in its body like a point in the beach so hard they don't give a fuck praying mantises you just we're so lucky there little if they're big like German Shepherds movie fucked there's eat us they are you know when you're special there where they're pretty or judgments

he's a golden retriever he's not eating anybody but if his brain or more like if he was a rat that big who's that big and he was a ferocious rat and I was in the subway and I saw him I would be so scared I hate them so much I was talking crap we had one get into an AC unit in at one of our guest bedroom and it stunk like shit in the wall that think that came into the room we were trying to figure out what houses fly getting in here I realize there's something dead in the wall cuz it was stinking and it we had to just wait for it to rot away away I guess what's the alternative you punch through the fuck that you don't want to do that your only alternative rat in the wall Sun

a lot of them yeah what kind of traffic is and I killed a rat has a big boy big big fat boy and I'll let Jesus leave that thing and I was like I'm going to go to bed in the morning I'll clean it up I went to bed I came back in the morning he was eating the only thing that was left as his tail they ate the entire rat that rats are full-on cannibals I don't know that the other rats eat the Dead Guy instantly made him down to the tail was nothing left of the tail Even Rats we need a ride still it's nasty still on Fear Factor garbage and assholes

it is chewed through the rat-head who was like almost nothing left bones whose almost nothing left it was so disturbing another rat look it up cannibal rats filmed eating fellow rodents yeah they eat the shit out of each other they have no problem with that and went there in your house you're screwed once you see those droppings now you're fucked you got to find out how they're getting into the house you had a cock it up or whatever let that shit it's the worst man it's good to have coyotes around the reasons why it's good to have owls all those think Hawks all those things keep the rat population down so people run around killing Hawks and owls and you know that but that was also a problem with people that leave out poison ivy leave out poison for the rats and the rats eat the poison in the owls eat the rats and they get poisoned they die

that's not good we have coyotes to that come out in broad daylight and yeah oh yeah yeah they'll Dave don't bite your fucking kids I mean if no one's around you know if you leave a kid in the yard 3 year old kid I'm going to Mommy's take a shit be right back I got you a half-eaten kid I think my kid with me to take a shit I put them on my lap when I shitt of course I'm not going to let my animals are predators that are wanted we know we had a big issue with him because we have chickens and I start killing some are chickens but then we realize were targeted like our yard is targeted by these little tiny wolves very strange so wild creatures very sneaky and smart

jump over walls to forget it man they bounce to the top of the fence then bounce over it like it's not even there move it's really kind of beautiful to watch it look like just dogs like I'll see them in the neighborhood kind of skulking they just like I like looking at him but then I know what they're capable of in your like get the fuck out of your dog for sure. He's lived out in Westlake Village in the broad daylight she was just standing in the backyard with a little Maltese and a coyote just came and snatch it up right in front of her and just went away with it you like there's might there goes my dog broad daylight we had two little shits I don't let them run around in the yard yeah of course you're devastated she was traumatized love that dog you know

he's essentially a Lab dog you're not training that thing to do much else other than sleep with you and love you so it's a it's a member of the family and so like crazy or nothing for coyote those dogs slipping and I too big maybe two of them could try to take him now they might if they felt like he wasn't going to do anything about it they felt like he was submissive or it felt like they can just get a hold of them now who knows they're definitely kill dogs as big as him before

you know I don't mind love them it would love a dog that size for sure a lot of food

yeah they think I already sent that submissiveness that I don't know

you know I used to have a much bigger dog but he died he he was a Mastiff he was 13 years old we just we just put him asleep a few months ago sorry he was bad at the end we probably should have done it earlier cuz the end he literally couldn't walk into the house to eat like he was in the yard and when I try to call him in for dinner he couldn't walk like it was awful struggle to stand up and they would take like a half a step and Paws another half a step and pause his legs were shaking mean he was

it is a beautiful dog but looks so sweet and such a big Mastiffs are so kind like so, it was so hard watching him struggle you know because he was like breathing heavy and his mouth was over there to take a step and it being Agony and just who just sold from massive 13 is so old the bigger dogs they don't live as long as I hate 9 years old for him to be 13 like that was pretty shocked dogs old from Mastiff

they're being there big by birds got one of those try they guard vampires guard for the vampires Anne Rice books they're always guarding the guard the vampires while they sleep I know I heard this I saw her on a flight once and then I Googled her and she's writing Christmas up and she also wrote a bunch of S&M books under yeah under a pseudonym it's all about spanking a lot of spanking it's very odd yes yes I had to read all to let me ask you this what is it about women and vampires what's that I'll tell you it's the same what's its control and power and I think similar to Fifty Shades of Grey which I try giving that a read too and I was like nah disgusted

I'm smart for that I don't know I like dumb shit believe me I tried I really tried I tried to see what the deal is I always try to see what why people are on the stuff I think it's a power thing so the Vampire comes and takes control of you and that you're totally submissive in somewhere I think in the female whatever DNA and are in our makeup to have someone totally care for you and give your power to them I think is part of that my freedom is it also metaphor for sexual Liberation so maybe in a time when women couldn't be sexually free the vampire is a metaphor for loss of you no control and sexual desire and stuff I don't know that's kind of a repressed it's a repressed sexual thing do that kind of stuff can you do

I just know she had a 500 orgasms the first time she ever had sex with okay was that were the fake where they said her pen name wrote a book called exit to Eden that was one of the best books that was turned into a movie remember this movie yeah that's not what it's supposed to be a comedy I mean it's it's dead was based off the story so I can get to Garry Marshall might have turned it into a comedy show that's hilarious that's lyrics slow person

yes I have you discussed the song Sean Penn is also played a slow person but no one is quite done at the way Ben Stiller did you see the people getting mad because people will because some football player went as simple Jack but not just him there's a couple other people that want a simple Jack from Halloween and they were getting like you can't go a simple Jack anymore you can't be a simple person

example care act like dumb characters are now out the Whitney can't be that anymore what happened what's going on with us will Jack a parody of the thing like it was an it's a joke on a joke play Simple Jack in the movie simple John's character in the movie was like an actual person once upon a time there was a retard wow is that what it said in the movie Tropic Thunder that movies also the last time anyone's allowed to wear black that's it it's over now in Tropic Thunder 2

just imagine the blowback boy all the hurt feelings what happened to Norm is question of what happened when you have a fresh take on it you want to know what I think it is really okay

I think since Donald Trump became the leader and I think some people are so triggered by Daddy right Daddy's a little narcissistic at times daddy's not very socially conscious at times and I think that's affected if you say anything kind of insensitive and it's in a line with that regime maybe you know what I mean even though you're fine with everything Trump stands for I like inappropriate humor doesn't mean I align with him but I think because he doesn't give any sensitivity to these groups that are marginalized it makes the margin lines people upset but I also think the people realize that you can get people in trouble by pointing out the factor and sensitive and you can come down on them hard and when you do don't think they move things happened there so I can a reaction yeah this is happening to destroy

payment fire them yes took away their income disappear Louis CK banished go to come back yet and how when is redemption allowed how soon as he repented enough do we feel like he's learning that there's all kinds of stuff and then who's accused what are the grounds for accusation what's enough that's enough evidence just somebody saying something people who are lying would you say for sure but that believe all women thing like we're all Casey Anthony leave her you know in your heart and believe her know right this isn't funny there's a lot of dumb you shouldn't believe

yeah the other people better liar with a vagina that's outrageous that's right they are liars this is true this is fucking true what's up with that long history of killing people it's only been with in the last couple hundred years to get in trouble for it testosterone that actually yes it's true the right people know each other

people duels me there was a president that had a dual which one which one Jack's one of the presidents had a fucking dual while he was in office pretty rad as you can physically you can click right now you could reach across the table and snap my neck cuz you're way bigger than me and way stronger than me I could poison man kill each other to the kill each other when each other or the same size they kill people that are bigger than them. There's a lot of it's a history of people killing people people getting their there in the way there a problem there was starting all sorts of shit they won't let you sleep and you let god dammit Otto just stabbed his mother fucker and that's that's how men handle things or have handled sociopaths yes yes but I think particularly when it's more common there's like it becomes a cultural sort of artifact like murder and and violence becomes a part of

life like if you lived in ancient Rome for instance and you will got the Coliseum you watch people get chopped up at swords and eaten by lions and then most people were a lot of murder taking place out in the streets and very people to people got caught for anything like what kind of meat have to be right there to catch someone doing something to actually catch a no fingerprints no DNA no understanding of anything you fuck knows who killed a button and people just getting away with it left and right he fought the Vice President Aaron Burr was Alexander Hamilton was the former Secretary of the Treasury I believe at the time and they were political Rivals and the 101 and how did he win

art artist renderings of whatever it look like I don't know how crazy they would stand like 10 pieces they would walk away from each other and then shoot each other seem like a fair thing it's just really who's quicker on the draw it's not really who stronger or more like an elegant fighter I don't know you'd judge fights all the time well they wanted to kill each other that's the thing it's like so let's let's figure out a way we can kill each other or try to kill each other and we make an agreement on how it works it's really stupid stupid like you shouldn't tell someone you want to catch the idea was like the make it so that either guy had a fair chance it's fair killing

right do you know that some states like particular Washington State I have mutually agree combat laws so like if you and Jamie just decided fuck each other up thinking it might have to be girl on girl or boy on boy because if Jamie just said to me like a dude I'm tired of your bullshit I want to fuck you up and be like I want to fuck you up to and we just decided and agreed cops will stand by and let them beat the shit out of each other I kind of respect that some to some old west type shit about that right knowing what I know about males it's kind of the way at least growing up in the time I did that's how guys sort of shit out right it's some guy was giving you some static you put him in his place and then the beef is over right now but you don't want to have to do that the problem with that kind of shit is what looks like I can kick your ass and he's giving you some static like we going to let him beat you up now you know you don't want to have to fight someone or even have to know how to fight or have to

baby in position where you might get fucked up by a guy just cuz he likes to talk a lot I goddamn Scott shit talk to me into some sort of a beef he doesn't mind if he gets his brains punched in he's already stupid man terrible what's better being a man or a woman being a dude listen white guys rule everything it's going to be that way for a minute longer until these fucking old Supreme Court guys kick it you know what I mean you think that's going to change everything I think whatever

controls the money in the power that's real power industry and who controls the government so

until that changes do you think the Supreme Court guys and gals get together and go to one of them eyes wide shut parties in Grove right there kind of shit in Luminati the Bilderberg Group yeah I started to watch a documentary on the Freemasons on Netflix most boring fucking thing I ever saw how to tap out after 5 minutes it was like a legit organization were a bunch of nerds get together and they still talking about we have a handshake and you like weird man what you know about that affect the public execution stuff you were talking about earlier by Foucault you know that old French philosopher he talks about this

muffled scenes and whether or not they worked at deterrent for people committing crimes so now we don't have public execution but we do shit behind closed doors right we don't hang somebody but we quietly give somebody a lethal injection and it's all very civilized right to kill somebody but I wonder which works better is the public deterrent thing of like hey dude you still some shit cuz look at Saudi Arabia thick. Cut your fucking hand off if you you know if the public versus the private punishment if that ever really works on weirdos

yeah but it stop men from murdering

I mean I don't know I think people that do it get caught up when they would call Crimes of Passion right I don't like that I figured caught up in this this moment and they just can't help themselves and they want to kill someone more than they want to be free

this one kills mother fuckers the deal without loss it later right now I got a rock and that dude got a head need to connect this rock that guys talk on the head with this last public hanging in Kentucky in 1936 she's like how many people showed up on trees and shit in the background and you know what the guillotine that it wasn't a clean cut the first time and they have to do it a few times not always a good mom yeah

that's the last public execution in France

yeah that's what it says what year was 1939 39 whoa wow that is crazy they have the boxing in there two people to go Joe was three people to go

that's true that's crazy that's what's hard to really understand how much cultural Evolution taking place just during our lifetime it's hard to imagine if it's hard in what year was you born 76 could you imagine if you had a time machine and then go back to 1976 to just wander around the streets and see what people are like like oh my God you guys are children you don't know shit you have no internet you barely read what are you doing gather around fixing to drop the hammer

all right is all that get them in there get in there bitch the Jammin ready and Chong

I want a good job who do that again

get them in there and boom that is a crazy way to kill someone leave it to the French is what we do to make Shin but do not do it without hands jersey with the machine cuz I'm 42 years old and I do find myself being like the world is changed completely since I was a kid growing up in the 80s in in the 90s and is and how you have to adjust kind of how you're doing comedy two how was received

yeah I mean just even this thing phones this is bananas have a computer right here and I can watch movies I can Google anything I want I can find my way home then we had to like remember how to get home how about when it tells you your 20 minutes from home work bitch you don't know where I live right by my home that's my side pieces house yeah like what if your husband look up I just say you're only 15 minutes from home side dick side dick 15 minutes away if you're cheating today you're just you're a reckless Reckless individual

do you swipe from your phone and cheating

yeah I do but if you got a burner phone be like what's up with that Kmart phone CVS flip phone you got oh and by the way I'm not being right or die with cigarette and it came to premeditated under the condition of somebody is threatening my family but it lets me go to Starbucks and the Barista gets his order wrong which is the scenario we discussed and then he snaps and kills a barista that's the shit I'm talking about this person crazy like you've turned the corner mentally look up the order

I mean what if you said sugar free and clearly a sugar on it did you get when you go to Starbucks and the Barista make someone else's order before years that ordered after you can I mean like they call that person's name I get so fucking angry drink coffee give me a grande coffee place which roast the dark one would ever just coffee that's all I get I get a cup of coffee I put some cream in it and I'm good

yeah but my wife does drink vanilla lattes that are sugar free with heavy cream heavy cream instead of milk that's a pretty goddamn good and they're sugar-free soda God damn good those are good but they're not coffee it's like a drink you drink in a drink it's like a milkshake I drink one of those this morning before I hit the hit the hell's that you are she was on keto for a while and now she's she got off of that but you might get back on it again we we were here last night running today and I was hobbling because we were drunk bench pressing last night and I pulled a muscle in my leg

looks like they're like how many times you think you press 225 I'm like a lot to give me that your pussy so I cleared so drunk so drunk and I bench press 225 lb 11 times and on the 11th time I felt something going my leg I was like, what is this but I ignored it seemed fine I was walking around everything is fine but then running today was not fine soon as I was running as soon as I got on the hills and then I was pushing it I was like oh I fuck something up in my leg drunk bench pressing

lizard bites so baby are back to exercising already two days afterwards yeah but not as much I mean I ran the Hills today that was kind of hard but it now I'm fucked I really am limping I got to figure out what this will pass on Hills it's uneven terrain and there's rocks and shit right that can't be good for your knees and my needs were there were sore for my knees are a little sore my feet were sore my ankles are sore cuz there's a lot of pounding lot of running the ass and that's why I take my dog that's his like that's how he stays chill that's right they give me a couple miles a day he's so chilly just relax if he doesn't he's like what are we doing that we can't just sit around the house and do something energies.com submissive energy and if they work out then they're chilling you can tell him what to do

well that's definitely true my dog pretty young he's only Hill turn to next month so he's basically a pup still super sweet dog he's a sweetie she's a sweetest of sweet he's he's a really good dog show whatever from so broke and so funny when he's like we used to or obese at one point time yeah I had a sugar problem he was eating candy like all the time and then you realize he had a candy from a very smart as he has problems and fixes them and that's something that up. Brett doesn't do

that's why I always better than I did change his life I mean like I kind of started at the same time and call me I didn't really know him know him until much later but yeah I remember being kind of a fuck up and then he like turned it around and amazing a lot of different things he's what he's also doing it his way like really truly doing it his way like he doesn't he's got no one tells him what to do and then he's going to keep it that way he doesn't have any expensive taste at all he wears in normal clothes he doesn't even own a fucking watch you know you know is a groat OverWatch the time it's on my phone sorry it was less of you somewhere we can find a time on his flip phone gets addicted to like Google

things and tweeting and all that shit just just can't do it you can't handle it

I get it but you said them discipline angry up for me or I can you know I don't have a problem not looking at my phone for hours of time I think you got to just decide that that's how you live don't just live checking your phone constantly and now I've had to learn to give a shit about it like I would imagine our children who are this is Justin I was listening to you talk to Elon Musk about how this is like an extension technology will just grow into a human being right like for my daughter's friend's my ten-year-old daughter's friend all of them have phones except for like two or three of them my wife always jokes she was when you see her she'll have a phone right now and she always has a phone in her hand she never put that fucking phone down she stares at phone while she's talking her friend she's playing with me she was this is why I don't want to kiss that phone

and then we can meet her at Starbucks she's looking over vinyl hi it's like a scene in the movie She's Like Hi how are you sticking her phone checking things like the texting each other back and forth constantly at 10 then manipulating each other like one of them will say something to get the other ones go and then she'll go radio silent on her I call you little cunt to learn how to do that at 1000 girls fucking with each other attempts normal people shut you learn to call you do that stuff early but with this it's even you can't have a group of three girls cuz ones going to be out all the time what's the evolutionary biology solution like what is the the cause of root

well know you going to fuck her husband because you want that new dick and you want those sperm for the eggs so you got to my friend's husband right yeah other beaches are threat but they're a threat because they want to fuck your husband so you got to figure out a way to manipulate them make them make them fuck up so you keep one clip 1 how close to you trust the other bitches out both men to you know there's guys that will fuck your wife you know guys will move on them so yeah you know

look I don't want to be that guy but you just are better than Tom and it's just a bad guy. I got friends in the past do that and then I did go straight to me and tell me to go to the guy I go I guess we're not friends huh I thought we were friends you fucking weasel dude I'm friends with her to fuck you when I was growing up who always wanted to fuck the girlfriends of other guys and then if those guys broke up with the girl he would immediately fuck them like dude he's your friend that's why she's fucking she's free she's free no free market Carlos hyenas are they prey on the the carcass what animal preys on the carcass star there is always around your friends

Wile for like a few years and he act cool and then the minute you break up yeah dude it took me a few years to learn that guy yet

I'm sure you're not my friend but the ones are supposed to be your friend and they're playing like they're your friend but really they're just waiting for a computer I always thought it shows if there's a guy and a girl together and I'm like or are you on a date now he just my friend like all Bitch by them to the mall and he'll fucking take them to dinner and we just went out with Mike he's a sweetie your mom Mike is just beating off his finger up his ass thinking about you and

for Mike what does finger in is at in the ball like a bowling ball ones and they ass hole is anger is coming

so nasty I was so damn mad angry it's not working out and then she text him after he comes looking at is like no we're not friends

as terrible I can't wait to shut it down though you know I can't wait to hear when you hit your I got to eat the fucking Prime on the Primal blueprint right guy I kind of like I was trying to buy a black baby Branch listen to the vegan dr. versus that's a good one yeah it's very intense yeah

yeah but like Anyway the point being I can't wait to show that the fuck down and Birkenstocks with socks or no socks socks to my feet get real sweaty and now and then we get real short haircut just above it

the net Yeah Ashley Rose what's her name Amber Rose Amber Rose's the hot one the other one Ruby Rose she's the one who played in the movie camp kill a man's dog's yeah dude can kill everybody you know and yeah I respect you and puppy

yeah she's gorgeous yes she acting teacher before I ditions

I'm not great but at this point like with the terrible it's easy that's all I want to do but that's all I want to give me the tutorial on sitcom acting just pretend you're that person the end wait a minute there's no methadone a character for adults supposed to say pretend to be that person do it a bunch of times so you know how to do it the right way then go in and don't be nervous that's the thing is not not choking it's a big part of it a big part of auditions is ready go in that she was like a cam seen or weird seeing or love seeing or something like that it's all these assholes staring at you with the fucking notepads and stacks of other people's bios and headshots and the whole thing is

the worst it's so different than actual acting too because it's like you're doing it in this weird environment is a conference table the person is reading with you is probably like I did want it was the person read with me was so insultingly bad at it that I was I was really frustrated was like some PA and he was like I just don't know if this is what was

supposed to happen without smells like come on man if you going to fucking just say the word so I can respond to this I can't skate what the fuck is this what I want to say if you would talk to me like that and be like what is wrong with you why can't you talk are you on drugs are you get hit in the head with a coconut fall out of a tree and almost kill you

she'll see this is why you're so successful this is why well because in a world of bullshit you know what I mean you got to keep it 100 I don't think the world is all because of world of bullshit I think there's a lot of bullshit but I think is more reality today but I think we've ever experienced ever before but what there is is a bunch of people that are scared that's what it is they're scared of getting called out or they're scared of getting fired fired one's a big one. Take away your income after I talked about black face and she was loving it where she was at Fox you worked out before she could say all kinds of crazy shit for a raise for that one girl you should be able to you should be able to have a bone in your nose

and then she goes over to visit NBC for you dude from the jump the inside where it is that she was not a nice person they did not like to her to be around there looking for a reason to get rid of her that's the word I since I work true but saying she's not nice how about some was annoying to her maybe she's not nice cuz you're annoying she's out there trying to educate people about black face you motherfukers chart shutter game flag fish listen it's just color what's the big deal. Didn't she say that Santa Claus isn't Black 2

oh I had a guy in the office who was work with else I could you work is Megyn Kelly after like about a year you're not doing any work all day long all your thinking of his someone gets a fucker why can't it be me I'll give you are in a cubicle right there and you run into any time you time your trip to the coffee machine when you see her walking not yet not yet Megan she won't let you know Santa Claus definitely white I can say things on your co-workers Now isn't that considered a micro aggression or toxic masculinity

what she loves you she works out what if her husband is a jerk you'll take care of her kids

oh wait I can't even imagine we have been with Tommy for so long being with my God this what I think I think when people work together if you work here for 8 hours a day you are spending as much if not more time with that person that you work with every day that you do with your spouse absolutely and you're only home like look if your home in the morning how much do you get to see your your wife or your husband talking an hour or two hours in the morning and most you get up run to the shower scuse me brush teeth when he breakfast and see private we got going on today Bubba Bubba Bubba they were playing basketball with my papa and then for 8 hours 8 hours a day you're with some other people you don't spend 8 hours fly with anybody other than the people that you work with you get home it's what's 738 you watch TV have dinner by the time it's 10:00 you're asleep that's 3 hours you got like 3 hours with that person 8 hours with this guy

trying to fuck them I know and you're right you're right cuz I worked at company

I had this guy was at the end up marrying his assistant but he did that thing or like this is my work life that's what they start by doing they break it down slowly and I like is my work wife is my work husband had to go get the joke

what is the fart happen after that whole time we were doing it are you proud of me that's his Blazer says that they're married now actually but that sound Court her and she was way out of his League she was a hot 20-something gorgeous girl married now they have me how many kids I don't remember but what happened how to get her he broke her so she was dating some guy that wouldn't call her it's kind of like dipping out on her and stuff so he be like I'm here for you let's go out after work let's go get some drinks right let's it's not your friend I'm the guy that show up for you everyday don't that guy I'm the only one here

yeah yes yeah yeah and to her that's what she wanted them she wanted to be wifed up that's the best I'm an idiot on the road

all right it's really sad when guys wife up I know a guy that swiped up a woman takes care of them to stay home and looks miserable because he he doesn't have any say he doesn't have any income money came from the family. Fantastic on their involve to they're always around he's a weak weak weak soul

that's a dark place for a man to be no sovereignty no control of your existence no wheel Financial decision-making ability because you don't bring a nanny money scaring me right now feeling this guy that they settle for that lets me why should I work you know wheel makes all the money you think I can't that relationship ever worked at Dynamic does it make sense to you why would I mean maybe the alligator in the cat can be friends

Carson City going to work it's just not going to work or it will work if it's not a real man and and you know and the woman likes that scenario and if the guys just like this spineless little cheesehead I think you're and that's totally on PC and I think you're right because I think he's got to be kind of a beta male he's the guy who likes his balls busted a little bit maybe he likes his nuts squished he was just scared you know

buckets if you were you're in a relationship someone and that someone is a woman and she makes far more money than you and you just decide to let her pay all the bills that is a squirrely proposition it may work it's entirely possible you might find the perfect woman in the perfect man wear their personalities gel together neither one of them gives a fuck about money and yet the guy still a man and woman still a woman is just that she makes all the money and you know he kind of like does the dishes and takes it in the ass she pegs them

she puts out a strap-on she she pisses in his face and that's how he gets money for food I can't leave so that's what's going on I think so there's no power let's see what about Oprah and Stedman but Stedman makes a living to like keep the what is the stem is like one of those pirate beers that you glue on at a party and everybody knows it's not a real beers

not never really occurred to me I don't know I don't know I just have been together forever but could you picture Opal for her isn't so much a lover as a mom it was just friends

no I don't know I don't know you don't mean I don't know that's not the case that's one thing Stedman to steady and I don't know where

what does it doesn't even make good living now doesn't have a job at the thing I think 7 does have stuff going thank yous or go I want to see the lawyer or something like that

I Google it said American educator so I don't know when she say that when someone regardless of male-female has nothing else in life going to have no drive no Focus no no goal for people with no Hobbies like you don't you don't enjoy doing anything like even if it's just like reading you don't you don't like doing I do but you don't like to do anything you want to do anything but you don't do what you do you watch TV and eat a lot of people and so yeah yeah yeah I still have a lot for a fucking weird group of people I know I mean if you really stop and think about how I had our group is a little that

there you go. I probably should have a little alcohol after all the alcohol I guess yesterday and 11 self-help books and more successful how to get get some rich pussy as feminine as I am cuz I obviously I'm down for the cause what is the cause of quality set the choice to have choice to do what the fuck you want you want to stay home raise your kids at home with your kids you want to fucking job or actually I think once you get the ice this whole fucking times for God damn it

but here's the deal you know my mother was a European lady

and as a female comic I'm an alpha in the streets but I'm kind of a betta in the sheets you know I'm saying I like to take care of my husband I think that's why Tommy and I work out because I liked you know I bake fucking Rice Krispie treats I have to shit a food in the house I'm kind of a tradition wife was your powerful but you're also still a woman and does nothing wrong with like that if that's how you like to be the idea that there's something wrong with that because you're supposed to be even with him so you supposed to be treating each other not like your traditional male versus female role even if that's what you like. Becomes a problem cuz it's like a pressure problem that women will put on other women to behave in a different way because they don't want to reinforce traditional gender roles you do like it I like I like taking care of my kids I would do some dirty comes out there they'll tell you that bad

does angry bitches had some people say stuff to me about it and I'm like well it makes me happy and if that's all it matters it's my choice to do that stuff I'm not saying I do it every night a hundred percent yeah whatever makes you happy as long as you're not hurting anybody that's all that matters the idea that there's something wrong with you doing that like so far but yeah it really is it's just stupid and it's silly

are you talking about you had a lot of that though that's stupidness out there people telling people the way they shouldn't shouldn't live and you don't have much time and I know you are halfway done basically it's dead when you think about it when you turn 40 or like

this is it dude like how much time you got left hopefully another 30 years of good living people are worried about dumb shit like whether or not this woman Works her she should have a career she should do this she said that she's happy she likes eating cheese and get our toes done leave her alone yeah that's fine I think that is a middle-aged Revelation though you go like how there's only so much time left about all this like my do me bro all the money you could see it in his face though I could just see that such as the quiet anxiety it's like a lion at the zoo with her kind of broken and they're like you know they're Hunter inside and out but you take that instinct away and they get to meet thrown at them and they're just like sadly,

did you bother looking it up but looking up being dad all skinny and Shelly

girl laying down fucking bloated kidney failure eyes are grey and dull moment that the vegan diet right as you're eating macaroni and cheese and stuff not just pasta all the time. From what I understand that plant-based protein a lot of it there's some foods that are pretty rich in protein real problem is bioavailability it's not just that there's protein in it it's like how much of that protein is absorbed in comparison to like a similar amount of beef protein it's not as easily absorbed you can definitely do it though you could definitely live a vegan life and be healthy and you just have to really watch your p's and q's you got to really mind what you eat you have to take B12 supplements you have to make sure that you're getting the correct amount of essential

fatty acids and distance but you can do it it can be done but it's not as effective it's not it's not as easy I should say it's just eating meat and vegetables you need meat and vegetables you got your bases covered but if you just decide to just going to be vegan like boy you got to make sure you have quinoa or hemp protein or there's like certain plants that have some amount of protein but they don't have the complete amino acid profile It's Tricky you know but the people who want the people who live it they live that vegan life or they want you to think that's the only way to go and if you don't you don't live that way you're going to be sick are you going to be unhealthy and my favorite thing is when one of those motherfuckers jump ship Vivid Vivid singing the Praises of vegan dish Negan that I had a friend who lasted 6 months last 6 months and during that time you was telling me well the ethical thing to do you know I felt like I was a hypocrite if I didn't eat vegan and then he a big nice are getting sick as fuck because blood lipids back and body falling apart I was like

she needs some meat I need some meat hilarious 6 months later Steakhouse the diet is just a lot of work you can do it you can do it if you decide you can be done but I have a friend who is it is actually a doctor who was in a motorcycle accident got really badly banged up and he was vegan at the time and his wife made him eat a hamburger she's like just do me a favor I just want you to meet like you wasn't recovering cuz I get really struggling to get over these injuries he ate a cheeseburger and he said literally I was so overwhelmed with energy I wanted to jump out of bed because I never was vegan again you left that one juicy cheeseburger because I ate it I felt so good

the protein like my body was like crying out for it and I can McDonald's is that what you say that boy so good isn't it I know when I'm pregnant either but what I found interesting when those guys were on talking about it is because I like to eat salami I do like the process yet and he was like the processed meats are the No No that's what's going to give you butt cancer unless you get a ton of vegetables to offset the damage right in your colon by Troye to Whole Foods is that cool yeah you can I mean there's there's organically grow organically created chart to puteri charcuterie salami Mortadella that kind of stuff but there's there's companies that make it organically it doesn't last very long does number to preservatives in it if that's really what you want

cancer is a sure that the real problem with all these these assumptions is that these are correlations based on mostly based on people filling out questionnaires and how much do you recall what you ate yesterday accurately that's what's really in the problem and people tend to make themselves look like they eat better than they actually do the kind of like I really feel bad about being a fucking gluttonous love lady I do Pilates with she put me on this Primal diet and that's why I lost baby weight the first time and I was like how many your clients just stay fucking fat for years and then you ask them what they eat and they just lied if she's like I got a lot of people like they don't really have an awareness you know what I mean like you think you're doing one thing but the reality is completely different it's hard for women when they get real big you know what your body wants to keep on that fucking weight is your body is not want to let that go

easier for men to lose weight definitely I really believe that muscular your body has more caloric requirements because there's all this muscle burn up fat and then if you do lift weights which everybody who wants to get lean I always recommend you got to lift some weights cuz if you lift weights your body is burning more fat because it's adding more muscle so it's burning more calories if you eat the same amount of food but you just lift weights you going to lose body fat and the reason is cuz your body's going to build up muscle tissue in that muscle tissues going to have a caloric requirement not that Little Caesars calories if you the exact same amount of calories but now you're eating you're eating all this food but lifting weights your body is going to get leaner as long as you're consistent you stay consistent and can continue lifting weights I'm saying if you if you are on a diet like a sustainable diet like you eat a normal amount of food but you lift weights lifting weights is a great way to lose weight it's a good great way to lose body fat you won't answer lose weight

because you put on muscle mass but your body will burn off more fat particular if you're a guy cuz it's easier to put on weight muscle weight

I can e-mail this fucking thing that we did this month one thing that it did teach me his boy you can do a lot more than you think you can I bet a lot more I bet Tom loves that the challenge aspect of it he loves to push himself the is it the sadist we hurt yourself or the magical chest kissing him I don't know he loves to challenge himself and do these things with you guys I think gives him a big charge makes people die

call Birds when he wanted to make sure that Brooke came in last that's what everybody was super concerned with super concerned with bird going

mission accomplished when he was starting to put work where am I going to put the belt

you never getting that belt bird take you on a road through hell and not getting that belt motherfuker how did he go wrong he just wasn't consistent well there's a lot of things for sure he is overweight which makes it far more difficult to keep up that amount of cardio because your joints are going to hurt and you're running you know I mean he said he's real heavy and I mean I think you lost some weight during the the program but he was 246 something like that when he when he did it and he got done at 2:16 for the weight loss challenge so that's a significant amount of weight were talking about a good solid 20-plus pounds 30 lb of weight that he put on and it's a lot of weight that's fat already steaks of fat

when you look at what a pound of fat is cuz I've had to lose weight for the second pregnancy I've gotten more efficient at it cuz I learn how to do it but I like to have another 20 to go to where I'm comfortable but God damn and that's a lot 1 pound look up one of your kettlebells what is it 10 lb lb cheese Karen that 35lb kettlebell everywhere he goes That's a tremendous strain on your knees on know he has to take high blood pressure medication which I guarantee makes you weak that's a fox with you I mean he's taking something that's a lowering his blood pressure what else is it doing it's not just low on your bread using angels to do that was using pixie dust to make sure you're super healthy and you have a stroke who knows what the fuck that stuff doing to you

and lazy and drinking from drinking but I love her to death but he needs to hear this got to stop drinking every night you can't drink every night you can't do that a lot that's too much you know you look at Tom Tom lost all that weight in the weight loss challenge and kept it off kept it off oh yes Burton keep it off what's the difference in a marathon Wilbert bertos of Tough Mudder races but runs all the time how come bird is in skinny cuz bird drinking a fucking case of vodka every night how much is a glass I mean okay a glass of vodka glass of wine what is a 300 calories let's say glass of wine is it so you drink you drink or two glass of the night for a bottle of wine a night Jesus Christ box of wine

what do you mean when is 1 boxes at night just got to like 20 glasses in that so what is that like a milkshake and and and cheeseburger double cheeseburger yes but fuck you did why would you have a small one we can have a big one five

boxed wine well I'm hoping that through this everybody kind of keeps up a certain amount of Fitness because it seems like we we kind of box wine so much class so few calories I don't doubt that Jesus is it a little low calorie wine that skinny skinny brand of the housewives worst one white wine Ryan has 110 calories 5 grams of sugar Shiraz red hundred ten calories 10 grams of sugar just for a 5 oz serving so that's a small glass of wine a regular star glass of wine right that's not that bad Hunter 10 calories so he can keep yourself to one glass of wine

is there blue backing up one of those Oil Trucks your house and sucking on that dick of death is all that all that wine dick juice is coming down your fat face if I do Pilates that's why I like 300 calories that's all the workouts that we did you know I did so I decided about close to two weeks out but I was going to start really pressuring these guys and just doing workouts to do 5-hour workout split doing shit that's just insane was like let's see where we're going and see how far we go one where can I did I burn 4700 calories banana it was crazy I was eating boxes of graham crackers animal crackers ate a whole box of animal crackers Apple's cream soda

I was doing it I was like I'm so taxed out but I'm going to keep going I'm going to need some sugar so just ate these animal crackers and drank soda

Puppet Master just kept thinking about getting tired where are you guys going to do this I guess we would have to do it in like Malibu or Santa Monica wherever you could serve you know we would have to figure out a way that the app registers how much time standing on the board so like you would have to be how much time you're actually surfing not just you

SB standing standing on the surfboard let's figure out a way did you say there was some sort of an app or something back in like the boards movement I think so if you're doing side to side stuff and knows that you're probably up and visit know if you're lying on your stomach is paddling like a slob I don't think it would tell you that I tell you how hard that shit is though at least from when I learn how to surf a decade ago the hardest part is paddling out on that fucking bored you're when you're going against the current right against waves bang bang bang turn that board around you finally see the way of coming and then you got a paddle paddle paddle and a pop up the right you're on your belly and you got to pop up from your belly to stand like this dude that you got to go fast I don't know from me that was an in the ports heavy TeleStaff you're learning on a banana bourelly when was big one you're probably not going to start on like the one that fucking wets his

Shane Dorian. Yeah but you're not doing those bored bored in the head kill anybody that's the thing I was I was legit worried this year like when my at the end of the the thing when when I was doing like several 5000 point or five hundred Point days I was doing was like three or four in a row 500-point days was like three and a half hours of exercise a lot of work but I was like full. Comes a point where you buy starts failing like I don't want anybody to die like legit. I like this is a real issue but you can you can have organ failure if you just decide to push too hard and we were getting really psycho about it

history about see somebody posting like big numbers it would get rid of anxiety in your head but you like TomTom ran 13 miles was on the antibiotics and everybody freaked out and I was like what the fuck Tom like angry at him cuz he posted like 600 points in one workout at the 11th Hour pulling some crazy shit now October 31st was Halloween so Tom is like always with the kids trick-or-treating like he's not going to go do some crazy I could do though who's so far behind how far behind is it the the last day I don't know if the numbers he was pretty far behind Tom like I think 700 points behind Tom he was like

more than a thousand behind re way more than a thousand which you can't I got in a day once you can't get a thousand a day you have to almost kill yourself you got you got a knock on Heaven's Door

all you guys is the worst and watching my spouse go through it I'm like stop well here's the thing when we started doing it and no one thought we were going to do this no one thought we're going to try to kill each other like this but we're just joking around about it and I was not like my first couple workouts like an hour hour-and-a-half 200 points I figured out that you can watch a movie on the elliptical machine and he got 479.1 day and wrecked his body barely walk the next day but the fact that he did that and I went oh and then I realize like we we talked about this you get the same amount of points for 80% of your max heart rate as you do for 90 so I can try to go as hard as I can thinking that you would get more points we don't get more points for that there's no payoff for slow and steady kind of wins the race right

I'm standing on the board over a month so fucking hard fucking hard it's so hot it should be hard and in no none of us know how to surf at all so and you like a class like a question girl saying I will go and he's busy and you don't need a world champion teaching you you fucking you like a regular surf instructor what do you like some Prodigy that needs to be coached by the best the fuck out of here right first of all I think is really talented dude I'm closer to Shane I'm pretty I'm pretty close to Shane & Shane though I've been on a bunch of hunting trips together now

but I wouldn't go to him he's busy super busy and so give you said I want to learn how to kick boxing teach you how to fight like I'm not doing that man go find a coach can I do for a living yeah there's a bunch of school as you can go to actually wanted to like rent the house by the beach next summer and just devoted to learning how to surf again Lee really good at it I love the ocean I love your house by The Beatles super dedicated I wanted just to wake up and go do it and then I want it that's that's a bucket list thing before I get to fucking old to do it is something that you can do no matter how old you are when you can just ride waves want to things that Shane was talking about those really cute and interesting he's like everybody has the same amount of fun if you suck at surfing or if you're really good at it it's still fun facts to know the cool kids on Instagram

douchebags that white bass Instagram account and re all going to be on kookslams with me next year we're all going to be on that we're going to fuck up when it's like finding a spot where you're allowed to serve will you can get in there when you don't know what you're doing and you don't get anybody's way I don't want to fuck up anybody's experience and stuff I don't want you to get mad at me cuz you know like I see them I go to watch them you know where that masked roses and and Malibu there's a little thing where all the Surfers go and that's like one area where is Redondo you go down there to learn surf etiquette for sure

maybe yeah but maybe they'll be like a dick head going to get more people out here surfing annoying they were joking around about I go are you serious he goes well it's good because then we'll have more people hunting but it's bad because I honestly see more people hunting and it was I really think it's because of you and cuz of Cameron Hanes and Steve rinella and and John Dudley and all these Hunters that are interesting cool people the more people trying it I believe that I believe it I think so too will Bell use a Chihuahua for Chihuahuas for their kids for Christmas and then they throw them into the the pounds or whatever cuz I couldn't take care of that happens every time there's a talking dog movie yes I do know that and then that popular breed everyone gets and they don't like the breed and then they end

okay okay I will talk to you about your new purse for the most part from the ones I've known the temperament they're very nervous high-strung high-energy dogs very skittish not not the ideal if I can family pet you know if your bones were around a bunch of fucking clumsy kids my kids are we stepping on Chihuahuas and breaking their legs what happens all the time to Chihuahua 2 cast fat kid eating his candy not looking Stomps on his poor dog's leg snap like a twig imagine ogres around you giant huge enormous ogres eating candy

terrifying a Dalmatian lie every time a hundred one Dalmatians comes out every fuck face visor can a Dalmatian for Christmas and then aren't they stupid on their brains that's the girl bigger than their brain grow bigger than the skull or sometimes it comes out the end you got to scoop the brains otherwise they got too much brains they had headaches going to kill him the brains out what they like fire people dogs yeah yeah why is it why is it down mansion why did why were they connected to fire trucks should I don't know I don't know the Dalmatians are dumb are they dumb heard they're damaged German Shepherds

German Shepherd Luxio is like freaking like what's going on here

I'm scared of me okay smiley fear yeah he's creepy said to you it would what would happen if I bit you

what would you do why do fire departments have Dalmations Dalmatians and horses are very compatible so the dogs are easily trained to run in front of the engine to help clear a path and guide the horses in the firefighters to fire quickly there still chosen by Mary many firefighters as pets in honor of their heroism in the past so they're fucking heroic dogs you asshole calling to let you know where is the worst thing ever I'm always a person like the worst person they're deaf why are Dalmatians genetic predisposition for deafness the series proper Dalmatians only about 70% of them have normal hearing this was not recognized by early breeder so the breed was thought to be unintelligent

oh that's interesting there Kiddush it though crazy time I was just work there working dogs if you don't my dad got one from the pan when I was a kid and he didn't put in the time and that dog tore everything apart and was just bored out of its mind you can't take a smart fucking dog and just throw in the backyard that's when they escape Escape that a motherfuking know that's right that's a smart dog to mean dogs to the good at being mean Rockwilder

escape the Rottweiler Rottweiler and there was a guy next to me and he was getting a Rottweiler and I remember the lady behind the counter saying well you know that these dogs are highly intelligent they require hours and hours of training you're going to do that right you look this guy's not going to he's going to parade around the neighborhood with a fucking dumb chain around its neck and that's it that's the dogs need fucking exercise they need they need stuff to do like my dog becomes a different person or a different thing rather when I take him running he gets so excited when he runs he's like he runs he just he's got a big giant smile on his face gets excited runs around he's like he's like yeah yes in front of the hills and comes back everything cool

but then when the end of the day comes you know an hour and a half later when we're done run and he's like

he's just chill the fuck out barely jump in the truck who and how I puts his paws on wants me to help him sometimes

if we do a mile he jumps in Easy we do to my it gets a little sketchy 2 miles in the Hills is on a long way. Get back in that truck so I come on dude you know you can pick me up pick me up I put my paws up here you know what Zack's did I just leave she'll time since I was out of the door of the house I mean not not outside outside outside the door the bedroom he's weird I'm a bunch of dog beds just throws his toys in that sleeps on the ground I actually had a dog trainer tell me that the dogs don't need the beds that that's like a human thing on the floor but they don't they don't give a fuck about the bed that's you and your stuff went through with my dog he just doesn't use them I had beds like in three different spots in the house

and I would never choose them cuz I care about you and I going to be doing it step on the bed is like what is this stupid thing I'm off the bed lie down on the wood floor okay it's like a documentary about that guy that got out of North Korea and the camp and then they gave an apartment a game of bed and he was like nothing said he would just sleep on the floor while he was in a camp North Korea and they finally they got him to soul and they're like yours your iPhone here's the subway here's your apartment with all this cool shit and he was like I'm good and he just would lay on the floor and see because he was so used to being in prison essentially who does interesting how the human mind right when you're traumatized in that way of thinking you don't even see what you have to adapt ball right yeah yes

it did there's so many different ways to be person so many different ways to live

I was listening to a thing about trauma and me about Vietnam war vets and how all that shit works when you've gone through it a trauma is the rest of your life you're living in the past that's what that's what that is right you get lost on that one thing Memories the case for people that have gone through War it's also the people case for people to go on the grown up and really bad neighborhoods PTSD from the hood PTSD from violence admitted they sought home domestic violence

yeah and then I was listening to a podcast about about microaggressions initially I didn't know it was like I stumbled in the one apparently because I just was interested in like what the fuck is what is a microbe like what is this you know what I learned about it and she was like I'm I'm a therapist and I treat people with microaggressions you know that's like a million little paper cuts over time as you know like the hit on you let's say because Renee's woman that's a microaggression so a year a lifetime of those little things trauma counseling

they hit on you because you're Asian or just strictly into the Asian girls around comes on to you and it's traumatic because you're like fucking pervert is in his feet and I'm in a meeting just me and a guy interrupts me and I want to talk that's a microaggression and I have suffered the trauma of that and I need to be in one of the guy interrupts a guy so still a microaggression

they shouldn't get that farm and I don't know maybe maybe maybe

but that's it that's for me there's a bunch of them you know compliments holding doors open for someone could be a microaggression you're saying that the woman can't open the door by herself and simple politeness become chivalry is a microaggression write a form of trauma that needs counseling well this just a bunch of bitches out there that can't handle regular life so they want everything all nerfed up they want all language the language nerfed up all Behavior nerfed up and then we're also encouraging people that just can't let things roll off your back which is very dangerous like what's up with the more people don't get offended the better off we are you know who fucking handle something absolutely spectacular that Navy SEAL who is a politician who

the guy from Saturday Night Live Pete Ariana Grande was talking about on Saturday Night Live and he said he look like a villain in a porno film and then he he joked around he goes yeah I mean I guess you shouldn't joke around because he lost his eye or whatever he's like laughing the whole time like wow like is one thing about joking around about the guy looking like a villain in the poor no fail but the joking around saying he lost his eye and War like whatever my man it is surprising that SNL let that go and they did it because the guys right wing which is really fast like there are biased towards the left and against the right is so it's so obvious it's so crazy that they didn't think that it would be a problem to make fun of a war veteran he lost his eye in combat because the man in front of them was blown up by

IED Taurus face apart and ruined one of his eyes and he handled it so well he said that he he said something about he works hard not to offend in even harder to not be offended that's yeah but he also said that he really didn't think it was a good idea to make jokes about someone who some something I'm paraphrasing some of those who was disfigured in in combat no I don't think that's unreasonable unreasonable and I think he handled it up as good as you can handle it when you're on television National Television there laughing and joking about you having one I mean while you lost your eye in the service of the country and density incredibly dangerous things only two people have done it really truly understand and here's this young kid with bleached hair laughing you only having one eye

he's doing it on a National Comedy Show and people laughing along with him because you're Republican because it's fucking weird that's weird yeah and they probably actually probably one of the election that's probably all that shit goes right people going to find out about it you know you make fun of the guy because you think it's funny and then you give him all this press that he handles it well and then people like other guys a Navy SEAL well I like what he says listen to him talk seems like a good guy and see now he wins. Was Preposterous hey man and I would love to see a woman in the White House

when I think she's ridiculously awful to I think a lot of people really dislike Hillary really dislike her who should she got a shitload of money from Banks she's completely full of shit she didn't like gay marriage till 2013 she wouldn't agree with gay marriage till 2013 like what do you want dinosaur what the fuck is wrong with you why would you even care cuz if she's not real that she doesn't she didn't care she just was doing what she thought would support her position politically she was leaning right when Obama was leaning more left and she was trying to send herself as a or position herself as a a wiser choice for people who are on a unhappy with the choices on the right but really unhappy with Obama and then she was she was a better option she's more sensible she little more hawkish little more prone to go to war little more pro-military or at least military action

but Neymar stop pop it of Banks and Justin but those people make shit piles of money from speeches and his major problems with the Clinton Foundation it's not even around anymore shut it down

dark Legion

Mimosa $2 me to talk her husband to God damn Predator he's been a predator forever that I think for women at least for me I was like going to stay with the Wynn's keep things she said that Monica Lewinsky was a grown woman and it wasn't abuse of power of 20 is there a kid he was President there's no more powerful person on Earth that's not abuse of power what is an abuse about your banging somebody works for you and you run the world how did when I get it if I were 20 but didn't shut down part of it something shut look down Clinton Foundation shuts down or cease operations look that up because there was some article that I read about it

I think for me just the whole Stand By Your Man thing no matter what it's just so Antiquated so didn't shut down at all nothing

I got married to factcheck.org Google a story though see if there's a Google Clinton Foundation these baseless claims are made up by a self-described satirical website so that didn't reduce operations or anyting 2017 that shut down the Clinton Global initiative but but that was the thing it was right after the election which is 2016

that's what I read

the cast of the election after it was all over

I don't know either way up the Clinton Foundation super sketch one of the reasons it super sketches a lot of people that donate this just a lot of weird shit going on with donators and then them doing speeches for these huge organizations like Banks getting paid hundreds of thousands Dodge some boring a speech which is essentially a bribe most people aren't pump to see her talk I don't think any of these people are legit I mean thousands of dollars to talk I mean look I don't want to fucking get into it but it's not my people love Trump because he's outside of the whole system theoretically are the Clinton Global initiative shuts down end of an error

when they asked him it was it was an interview they asked him about Monica Lewinsky look to you over and apologies like with anybody thinks it's crazy I call you get that cost me millions of dollars I left the White House in Denton all the time that's not what anybody asked you you fucking sociopath deserves an apology cuz he never spoke to her course and meanwhile she was what one of the first people to be publicly shamed for something of this nature this is a huge Scandal and this is back before you know the 24-hour news cycle really so it's stuck forever when does Forever this poor woman's life was over done that's it isn't it fucked up you said it not me

sharing out of sympathy for this poor girl makes one mistake as a 20 year old and now her whole life is do you remember the result Town Hall thing that did on HBO many years later where she was talking to group of people about the the president about the whole situation and in the middle of it like that you know people to ask questions and talk to her and one guy goes you know it just seems to me like you just milking it for attention like why you even still talking about this but she was like he was like why you still talking about this is so hard riffic like why why do you keep bringing this up

I would he would she want to do a mansion what is she supposed to but imagine being that person who was 20 years old so essentially you're a kid and in the whole world knows you suck the president's dick so everywhere you go people I have two presidents didn't like it so she she said that it stinks like tar that's that was her description that the shame sticks to you like tar I believe it and what about Marilyn Monroe when she second Kennedy Robert and Bobby Bobby and Jack Astor's know why was that not the world was a different place back that I didn't even have DNA are quotes died they killed you think so dude percent hundred percent currently she was all yappity yap yap and and she's getting older and then we wanted a banger any more likely to do the right thing you know right

Grandpa Grandpa everybody maybe bipolar shoot came from a lot of trauma severely abused as a child we got the orphanage no no she was she was pretty bad childhood what I don't make sense actress

so are we don't need for attention converting comedians at least write their own stuff

Wright actress like comedians with no punchlines but crazier because they are dishing for stuff however I feel like they're they're more in touch with their feelings then we are like that's accessing feeling like I'm talking real actors and shit I don't like feeling things too much healing do you know what I'm saying I am I admire that you can access feelings and and show people feelings and stuff I guess I should have so they can start crying I should be

I think they're sociopaths for the most part I think vast majority of actors what do you think about the actors when they're making a movie and they have to stay in character the whole time was the biggest sociopaths but the best actors to the best yeah man on the moon about Jim Carrey doing what's the guy's name you know they say Eddie kausman and apparently you know her the whole time and it so he would annoy the shit out of people the whole time and and throw tantrums and stuff and I was like wow that sounds fucking terrible

yeah just how much is act bro have broken that down and made fun of people who do that he's so talented and so funny but I'll be really annoyed if you had to work with him for 6 months and just hold up production and and you know I mean those are union people these are dudes that are up at like 4 in the morning putting sets up and lighting that guy and that guy's got to wait for you cuz you're on your trailer pretending to be somebody else you know I'm saying like she would hold up for that. Tumi's disrespects I would really do that whole part because they were filming it to be part of the movie too and at some point they decided to not do that and make the money to move

because the rest was not the relationship that's according to him I was not the relationship they had they like it was it was all a ruse it was like a wrestling type to you over and over and over again leaving at specific to this one person I just pretend to be and it works and that makes an awesome movie I don't know

I mean like when I'm Daniel Day-Lewis character is he does that shit and he's the best movies are all pretty good you know me so few that I haven't seen but most of them that I've seen a pretty goddamn killer is crazy though you got to leave him alone and let him do that stupid thing we pretend to be Lincoln

famosa Latina pretty God damn killer it's crazy though you got to leave him alone let him do that stupid thing which tells me Lincoln

holy shit did you try to watch that one we talked about yesterday just like Jesus is terrible I can't do it I can't watch a movie about the guy with fucking age I can't watch the movie about Lincoln I can't what about musicals

did you try to watch that one we talked about yesterday it's like Jesus is terrible I can't watch a movie about the guy with fucking age I can't watch the movie about Lincoln I can't what about musicals

fuck your life with a musical can I tell you the one I don't want to see the most and I'm in a lot of hate on the music of Hamilton it's rap music

fuck your life with a musical can I tell you when I don't want to see the most and I'm in a lot of hate open cuz I found out it was the music of Hamilton it's rap music it's white people doing rap music

I can't do this no I refuse to see that show that was in Manhattan last weekend and we were passing by Broadway and all these old dead white people or stumbling out of this theater pretending they just enjoyed with nonsense they just saw

I refuse to see that I was in Manhattan last weekend and we were passing by Broadway and all these old dead white people or stumbling out of this theater pretending they just enjoy with nonsense they just saw

Pretty Woman the musical at all these fucking Rubes or standing so good the way she saying about sucking his dick when she was a prostitute he was the rich guy Hamilton the story of Tonight song

Pretty Woman the musical at all these fucking Rubes or staying there so good the way she saying about sucking his dick when she was a prostitute he was a rich guy Hamilton the story of tonight going to play me some of that give me some song

is this white people or black people cultural appropriation that's what I think

is this white people or black people cultural appropriation that's what I think

is it supposed to be good yeah

is this supposed to be good

okay kill it

she just that hurt me

I think they are a murderous assault in your attention span that's what I think it's a very good I've been to two musicals I guess technically musical book but awesome South Park it's genius it's really really really funny but that doesn't count Park guys yeah yeah it's really good but I also went to see Chicago cuz a friend of mine was in it it was death

it was death it was death we all got together in the in the fucking like there was the date that the intermission and we all got to drink during the intermission and I got three drinks during intermission of just throwing them down and I was like I can't believe I have to sit through more of this shit and I'm like I can't believe you guys are sitting here pretending that you like it I go fuck all of you and then they started laughing and breaking his friend I go she's great she's so talented I go this is death this is Dad this is just a slow chipaway worse dude I get people like it I get don't get mad at me if you like something that I don't like don't get mad whatever you like and you're talking to a person who watches professional pool I watch it on YouTube I watch it I watch it live or go to see a man to live I will you know I'm a fucking dummy all right don't don't listen to me

I like dumb shit but if you have like a world championship pool match is right next to a musical you know you seen three of us are cats Andrew Lloyd Webber school that's cats dude for years for years and years and years people at hammock at 3 years 4 years in the eighties as a kid I saw it when I was 19 years old a girl that I was dating took me yes she took me to see it like we were going to pretend we're both 19th we're going to Pretend We're Grown Ups 2 years ago when I was halfway over I couldn't believe it was only half way over I was at you mean this is halfway done this is the intermission just I can't see any mention I want to get the fuck out of here she was he I guess we can I was like you

I guess you'll know I was hoping I was going to get better get better though how can you get better like what are they going to do is it all Sunday going to be a movie soon cuz I'm a go and of the spaceship and then go to the Grand cat in the sky the grand wizard of the cat comes down do I forget what does the what I think he talks he's like I don't even remember if they sing in words but I remember them crawling around I was like what in the fuck is this as a dorky theater yes yes the theater now

god dammit okay what other Aunt K there's more Andrew Lloyd Webber's there's like the roller skating one Jesus Christ Superstar where are you okay

there's a thing that's gross awards for art gris-gris to just a dirty trick to pump up whatever fucking thing it is whatever movie Whatever television show yes and I don't understand why people want to watch these things I think you'll be a nightmare to go to one. If I hope my husband wins one if he ever wants to for acting or whatever and yeah but I would hate to have to sit through that horseshit for 6 7 hours and it down and letting clapping for nonsense Google account of the Emmys I went to the enemy's right after Phil Hartman died because he was up for an Emmy so we all went and he he didn't win and when he didn't win the guy from Frasier one and we didn't win Dave Foley turns me and goes the fuck's you have to do to win

right now he's dead what group of cons to sides who wins the the kind of words they look looking for a gay guy just like in the outrage Olympics that's like you got serious fucking score yet like a built-in score

if a guy plays a gay guy that see a built-in score like milk should know you never won an Oscar please slow guy anymore right

don't you think yeah there's a problem with Jeffrey Tambor when he was on that training show Ray the problem was he was an actual transgender person and they got mad at him I am Sam Awards what the fuck is this

that's what they're making fun of and simple I thought it was a type of awards that he wants them awards for the best actor them like nah bro can you win. I thought he did not see his nominee maybe you couldn't 2002 that will you were saying that they've got mad at the Roxy played an amputee in the movies not really nappy to love being outraged they do yet love it yes they do because they're giving a voice now platform on social media corporations and what have you so pay attention yes which is why podcasts are so great because you could do whatever the fuck you want you don't have a boss um buddy Tony

you can never have the try it out guy there is a guy you could never get a radio show any tried to play that they pull you aside and go Tombaugh Christina this is how we do here WKRP in Cincinnati

baby ever wonder who it was it was good because it was a it was a job it was money and I never worked before and never acted before I was fasting deal had to take some acting classes and I had a mean acting lady that was trying to be my mom if I ever got a mom and she was like telling me that I was going to have her cast as my mom if there was other yeah fuck chichi one thing she said to me once she like trying to mind fuck me it's really weird she was like I'm worried where you going to go out there and you going to fail I go why you worried about like what are you what are you talking about just like cuz you don't seem invested in this material I go this this this sitcom that never went because it fucking sucks that were reading

don't know something I'm not invest it's just terrible if you want me to pretend that it's good you want me to act it up like it's good I like what it what kind of conversation we have in here and she was like what you might get a script like this I go well let's hope I don't either way I'm a fucking comedian okay I'm doing this for money they think they offered me somebody I'd like you to tell that drives him crazy when they find out you're a comedian that you don't even give a shit about acting like a baby going to give me some acting gigs I'll take it and she's like if it was real weird man like really weird the acting world of coaching world it's so weird but it's weird because the people that are acting coaches almost all of them are failed actors they just didn't make it otherwise it they made it they wouldn't be teaching they be out there doing it they don't want to teach it for the most part some of them do but so I did I left you a liberal as gross as soon as I didn't have to do any more stop doing it for 6 episodes called Hardball on Fox

baseball sitcom that got cancelled and then I got a development deal and then I got gas on his radio next to you know I did so crazy I've done onto auditions ever one was for the hardball show one or some news radio editions I've ever been on for sitcoms yeah Khandi Alexander Stephen Rue de folie Moore attorney Bill Hartman nose awesome the cast was amazing like in terms of sitcoms it was like best case scenario for sitcom like in terms of like there was the writing in terms of like the situation where your mean I was on there with Phil fucking Harmon and I was like 26 years old and 27 baby and work with Phil Hartman and I can't believe I'm next to this guy like I'm seeing you on TV and movies and we're in the same room and we do not see any

it is so we're going to become his friend was so strange

that is so real it was so surreal for someone with zero intent on ever acting then I'll send them acting

and I'm like okay I guess I'm acting like that was that was part of it though was one of the reasons why I was successful at auditions and stuff like that because I never plan on being an actor you didn't care as a sum of my world and everything to me and I would literally asked like whenever it's something would come up with how much is this pay how much how much can I get if I do this thing that's always thinking of how exciting I'm sure you were doing what you know $300 weeks or how many years just to just to do it about money coming in right so you don't get booked for a couple weeks you have any money so she can save any money I'd like $1,000 in the bank or something you know so if anything went wrong I was fucked so coming out here and doing sitcoms

but the thing about sitcoms is it's really hard in the beginning like the early days of Newsradio were hard long-ass hours weekly it was hard trying to figure out the direction of the show it was a lot of rewrites there's a lot of work as a lot a lot of long days on the set but then once it got going like season 3 4 5 boy was easy really easy I could come in and rehearse for couple hours go home we were down sometimes three days a week yeah one day a week of table read one day blocking one day shooting bam yeah we did that a few times fantastic 3 4 days 4 days is common

very rarely will we do five whole days that's fucking great men Fear Factor what was the work schedule like for that one 3 days a week but constant we did you know one year 34 episode I think maybe 36 time or we just shitted out on that plate which which they should though cuz that show is so clean right you from so you set up the game it was very nice and it was very easy to do initially but then the second version of it when it came back in 2000 was 11 or something like that diapers was a real problem cuz that version of a ramping it up there did the stunts were way more difficult way more dangerous I was freaking out but a couple of the most like this is getting rough like bungee jumps off a fucking helicopters in the middle of a canyon and launching people on these bungee jump

going to say this it was some crazy shit

eating stuff always got to me people eating the bugs I was always looking like how much money did you win on the show I can remember you could win well there was a couple of shows people won $1000000 but even when you win $1000000 you don't really one of Mine and Ours you win $1000000 for the government comes in steals everything on a gameshow like do you have some more taken out because it's a winning or something I don't know it's a lot like if someone 150 thousand which was a normal week they would really take on 34 government doesn't eat any animal dicks I don't jump off any buildings and they just steal 16 Grandview way to deter in Griffith Park

Hitman Jack jumped out served up some animal dicks

talking crazy but crazy show thinking back the liability on that fucking think what's really crazy is it all happened post September 11th like right afterwards that's when it aired and it was a Preposterous show like from the jump and I always thought I was going to be cancelled and it was a giant hit a giant hit immediately it was a hit I like this is so stupid the show is so stupid and the reason why I'm awesome I got the gig was because I made fun of it like everybody else is trying to like be spooky like they're like is fear a factor for you I will and I came into this meeting I was high as fuck I came into this meeting and they were they were telling me what what they wanted to do one of the casting directors got chat from NBC hooked up the meeting I just thought I would be a good good fit for it cuz I was you know I just been on NBC4 news radio and I came into this meeting is like what you going to do like you going to sick dogs on people I'm like this

I'm like this is like a bit in an act like a bit of like we're goes terribly wrong you to make people eat animal dicks in a sick dogs on people and get to throw people off buildings I'm like this is this is like the Running Man the most insane idea for television show I've ever heard there's going to be canceled immediately and I'm going to have all this material about memory when I used to host Fear Factor 160 bucking episodes later we did a hundred 48 episodes and then we did another

I think we did 6 would 7 but only 6 aired because one of them was the one when they had a drink come who made it donkey took me a year to fill up everyone's Stein are you fucking kidding me don't you come cattle prod up a donkey's ass hole and they would come like the disaster poem zap them in the old testes and they just shoot buckets and they played horseshoes so they played Horseshoes and you can never win even if you made like a ringer and you like made that you would have to drink 1 oz

but if you fucked up you were drinking like 10 11 12 oz who's a jugs jugs so what happened was what happened was the TMZ folks got a hold of his fucking they got ahold of the pictures these people drinking come early and then it became this giant fear that like people like what like what there's no way this is real like this is a joke right now and turns out they really did make them drink come ya see that big shot down

yeah I encourage those girls what am I to drink piss the other one had a drink um jogo come help them choke down come how much money did they want a billion dollars if Warren Buffett sucks their dick and then look immediately get to throw up and these poor girls are jumping in girls chose to come over the urine drinkers major you learn to do this shit when your 15 man training her whole life for this month

oh so hard so hard to imagine if that was real show looking back now but at the time everybody watch this every was normal well this was the one that killed yeah I got episode killed it and now Ludacris took it over at Lucas's doing like a like what is it Fear Factor if you leave your house without your phone like what are the what are they do they don't do anything right still on

there's none season 2 now there's definitely maybe I don't know

Buddha

they came to be there before there's a big bitch there is not enough about you don't have enough money again yeah you didn't done so not interested but I'm glad I did do it it was good because it was money that's what it was good for it was good because I didn't have to worry about money and then when you have to worry about money like you don't worry about your choices immediately I got in worry like so if I say something then they're going to cancel me or fire me from the show and then I can't do it anymore I didn't that wasn't that wasn't my concern at all my concern was like okay now I have enough money so I don't have to worry about not having money and already make money doing stand-up so not put some money away so now you're free to do whatever you want just just free to do stand-up and free to do with how are

I want it was no worries about Tonight Show sets or any of that fucking nonsense do your stand up for you if you want to chill before then and there was some concern with their talk to me once about drugs I talk too much about drugs like like one of yours just pulled me aside and it's like you know you're doing these interviews were talking about like these these are illegal drugs you should do them do DMT it's good for you so the sacraments of existed throughout history have people been using religious ceremonies become one with the Creator Rob call Mario Lopez he's ready what a career that guys had on that stuff on that it could have taken over Fear Factor problems

took the quote Adam curl your pirate ship right is causing a pirate ship or doing your thing you got your signal so yeah yeah well he was doing his show he had this place and he had like a booth in there was guys working behind the boots and you know you had a real ad copy and a desk looks so professional. Just like a radio show

wow but then that's how it Tom and I would look at you if you see Joe set up chairs and shit best ergonomic chairs by far I've tried every one of them this cup Pisco these things of the shit they're so good they just they never hurt your back when you sit in them there's something about the way they designed it where your posture just pushes good it's better when you're on camera cuz you're not hunched over

they figured it out I did too fucking nailed it right Jamie in the other bra so your Netflix Special II Netflix special yeah I did a half hour cuz I was I was building my my first hours mother inferior it's on the service now you can sit on Netflix and I was building my second hour and I was talking about me to all the time and I found myself just obsessed with telling talking shit about all these motherfuckers you're kidding you know whatever pulled left and right for me to sound like by the time my next hour comes out it's all going to be irrelevant I just want to put it out there now so they offered me a half hour I was 5 months pregnant or something like that so you only have a couple months to throw something together and that's it man I went to Vegas pregnant it was like a hundred and you know what 20° Joey Diaz and me and the desert with these crazy Fox and Fremont

what's this to begin in Fashion Valley yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I know I apprec is OG a pregnant stand up because if you think about it before that nobody ever did a special with their pregnant and now a bunch of chicks are doing it happened was we are all of the age where were more established in our careers and it's a time where you it's last call for all of us older bitches to have babies yet so the timing of it filming it while you're actually pregnant as you should be laying at home eating bon-bons and you know my second pregnancy I did Pilates up until about two weeks before I delivered and I wasn't feeling well and really doing it right the second time cuz I fucked up my first pregnancy I was getting Carl's jr. or twice a week

game like all my God I gained like 60 lb 6100 I don't know how to exercise until I found this this woman I'm with now my trainer just get it out there and I know it's on Netflix now I'm Number 6 after Mr Joe Perry yet it's so special it's such a such a good time for stand up it's such a golden age and where I'm so excited to be where I am in my career to it to ride this wave to be at the comedy store now amongst Legends amongst you and Burr and I know my husband and all these great people

has two people that are really good right you guys are one of the very few it's usually one that stands out one that's like what is she going to do when he divorced her

we talked about that time second wife but she going to be like very mouthy not like me stupid shot right right right

but no bulshit you are one of my favorite comedians really good and it's it's it's it's very odd that two really good people are not just married but actually get along together and are both really funny and work together on a hilarious podcast and you guys have a very unusual relationship cuz the thought was never dated comedian like that's what every comedian Noah said don't ever date a comedian and I'll suck you just doesn't ever work out and I know but it was you guys were like motion Natasha it seems to work to yes yes

just kidding I love both of them Sheila I love both of them but they seem sweet I'm just kidding I tell you what though her brilliant I think my husband is one of the funniest human beings on the planet and was always supportive and we started at the same time and there was something and being open my group we were in the trenches together from day one and we never did that shit where I open for my husband because that's also a trap for women for female Comics cuz then you're just your husband's opener you never established your own thing that can happen yeah that's happened to four people that we know but the people that we know when it happens for the opening act was terrible the White Noise opens for the hot that's a difference but that's you guys it works like I said Moshe and Natasha those two are very funny they're both really smart that works Rich Vos and Bonnie McFarlane goes to a really funny that works and then who else

I don't I don't know how much it I think that's it that's very rare yeah but I think we out he's very supportive of me and

and this is not politically correct either but I think that there's a hierarchy he's way more famous than me and and that's fine and that's good doesn't it doesn't talk with you at all I ever think about killing them in their sleep for the pillow over his mouth the other person has an issue which the mister mister hero couples where one is more famous than the other one doesn't accept it and that fucks with them for I'm happy where I'm at tickets to tell jokes to people who knew I was when I shut up and I'm there and that's all I've ever wanted is just not to be doing like the dinner quite honestly that is all anything ever that's all it ever is it just gets bigger and terms of the numbers

solid Alvarez then when you get to that that's the best like if you get to that at a comedy club or you get to that we're doing a giant ass Arena kind of feels the same cuz you're at your at fucking Arena which is crazy to have watched you go through I mean I don't know the biggest one we used to be the Air Canada Centre Now call the Scotiabank Arena and in Canada that fucking that the UFC's there next month that place is Giant and when I did that one it was bananas like I'm standing out there looking all these people might this is fucking insane but wants to show start rolling is like a regular show all of that it was just fun and just fun but it was fun and so is a club so you go to the funny bone you know that's just as you know we go to Columbus Funny Bone just as fun punchline Sacramento

I love small rooms my husband which is amazing is that it never gets to him like he never sweats himself like he sold out the fucking will turn this is a year ago and I got to open for how much I sell them to you and I was like Tommy and I grew up in La so selling out The Wiltern to me is like Yu-Gi-Oh BAM you're going to shows there a my tummy you sold out the fucking realtor and he let it was like yeah it's cool anyways what's for dinner like it doesn't even phase him and he doesn't allow his brain to go on any mental traps where is like Bert Kreischer we make a video

what the Trap there Joe you got to the most important thing is being in the state of mind that you could be in to do great comedy and that that is not a congratulatory state of mind that is the opposite because I sold out Cobbs like a Lego out right and I was like oh my God I can't believe people here to see me now like all the pressure cuz I'm finally you know moving the tickets and this and that and and I was like I don't don't even think like that Halloween like don't think about to get into whatever state of mind that it takes for you to do your heart best that's what you're doing you you want to go out there and rock that crowd that's it that's all it is and whatever you need to do to do that but you definitely don't need to be self-congratulatory looks like that's the worst gas tank now because I didn't give a shit for years and who would sit in the front row their arms crossed

that's why you do it right and also you know it that's why I feel bad for people that are famous a tri stand up as a famous person or Jesus that's a hard thing to do I owe ya like I said watch people do at that have hurt like Charlie Murphy he that guy I mean I love that guy to death but one of things I respect about him more than anything was that he literally was an open mic her while he was famous me and he was just starting out doing stand-up while he was on the Chappelle show you've been an actor all these years so for him like he realize like way to host a show and bring up these Comedians and and I'll tell a story or two cuz this is a good way to make some money and then you realize like wow there's a lot of money on it for me I need to just do some stand-up to start writing stand up and he and I went on the road when he had been doing stand up for 2 years and we co-headline together as bananas 2 years ago and already famous as fuck

you know and famous for being one of the most famous comedian Of All Times brother which is a huge or deficit giant he had a joke about it and he's like does it bother you you know that you know that people know you from the you know Dave Chappelle Show they were saying that he goes he goes no mother fucker he goes for years he was abused bother you people yell out Charlie might have had no motherfuckers for years I was just Eddie Murphy's brother right joke around about it on stage you know that's very self-aware he was great imagine the courage to start stand up a topic that so much harder to go on the road like immediately he was on the road like immediately even like Brendan Schaub who I love so much the courage to start stand up and to grow but at least Brendan came through podcasting which is a lot of shit talking

add living and getting laughs now you getting last with comedians me a lot of comedians telling him that he was funny you know and then he tried it just dipped is 200 in there and then just ran with it it's amazing he's about to do a Showtime special he's filming Showtime special in January the mother fucker works hard is funny he's naturally funny he's a great guy and he kills really does as he does is ridiculous that's what happens when you get an athlete's Mind Set On athletes determination and discipline and you apply to an art form I keep makes himself work either you fuckers you just like get high and then go to Carneys get fucking chili dogs like you just lay around all day on those two hours that are worth

the shed we treat this as a job dude especially once you start pounding out stuff like Tommy does was doing one that does another 1/2 years later does another 1/2 years later or does that I do it that way now I love you guys also way to do it the only way to do it you have to be riding all the fucking time if you be performing all the fucking time is no other way and now I love my genie work out the the Meghan Meghan Kelly that's my whole life I was I was going to El Torito and then I'm one day you're like oh fuck that's like the little ball dude that means the little ball El Torito stupid for watching you work that stuff out is so exciting I love your last special because you say so many risky things which 10 years ago not that risky in terms of the

what does she just got a little navigate to Waters this more effectively and more carefully and then just set things up better and you're right he has to be better I think for me especially with the subject that I cover but I also felt like this was my most controversial special because I felt like I needed to be I need to touch on the things that seem to be dangerous to touch on like he's like stand-up is dangerous again like this is a fun time for stand up cuz it's actually dangerous I agree this is why I wanted that meet my me to shit to get out there first time I'm not I'm not here aren't talking about it I don't know cuz I literally go to the Early Show at the store I'm home in bed by 9:30 because I have babies so I don't know what everyone else is doing but I want to put that I want it out there at that impulsive need to like just fucking walk the line and let's see it unless

let's start some shit up beautiful answer some shit up alright thank you for everything preciate you is always awesome having you on I'll tell everybody your Instagram is Christina on Twitter the degenerates I'm after Joey Diaz on the ride or die tour Brothers in January check it out

chose out

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