#1426 - Justin Martindale

Feb 12, 2020

Justin Martindale is a stand-up comic, writer, producer, and actor.

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Aston Martin door

The Joe Rogan Experience trained by day Joe Rogan podcast by night all day they don't let you smoke weed and yeah what kind of because it's because it's legal oh yeah that makes sense we can't we can't do things that are legal any smoke cigarettes in your building right no no no no no you have a smoke-free building yeah health-conscious well I get that kind of if if you say no cigarettes kind of have to say no weed too

but cigarette smoke stays yeah like that gets in the walls and in the fabrics and all that stuff like the we just kind of for us right I think other people that don't smoke weed they smell it yeah it looks people need to get out of California I mean you see you smell it everywhere you go now so numb to it everywhere it makes me laugh when a when I can see a tourist they're just like oh and I'm like this is Lonnie it's so funny my wife kind of gets that way and she smokes weed it's funny

but like when we were the kids if we go somewhere like oh lovely like she'll smell it like women are so funny like when they have kids they'll suddenly get like real protective of yeah I think they want that's where conserved Mama Bear people yep want to protect that den oh great yeah lovely out in public like I was doing an hour ago yeah it was but she laughs like oh it's in the morning and you like and you're like shit it's like 9:00 a.m. and someone's just spoken of blood outside a brunch Well yoga there's this one dude that are go to yoga with us

old fella and he has a van and he Parks his van right next to the yoga place and he gets fucking blasted box blasted it's like a Cheech and Chong movie opens up that van and climbs in the yoga class you can see him just whacked out in class I'm still hot box yoga you can see him in class just like he's in the middle of doing his yoga freaking out like what I saw a guy in the steam room at the gym doing that he was just like I was like should I call someone

and yeah he could be on anything yeah steam ahead with the gym is a dangerous area like people have a bank it and they get weird yeah steam makes you do crazy things I just close my eyes and just meditate and strong attention to the sounds going on also like everybody just like you're just sitting there right so people get anxious to get antsy just sitting there and then you get like those really aggressive breathers we're just like you're like that's not a climax what was that that's annoying oh by the way hold on before you get Sophie

five years ago speaking a climax five years ago I came and did your podcast what does that long as five years ago yeah it was crazy it was up-and-coming goddamn is a long time out of it out of a tool shed yeah we were we're not far from here we are so what do you got that was last Valentine's Day so I feel like she I got you some some Millet Ines de candy because I feel like we have a running theme here so was it Valentine's Day last time yeah no shit it was so this is the week of Valentine's so I

that you to Joe from Charleston yeah so sweet you know he didn't work these are the candy in her life beard candies right because they only sell them because they're in the the heart shape yeah right if they were stars people like what the fuck kind of bullshit candy is that yeah and they're probably filled with Cyanide and horrible things for your body I don't think so enjoy I don't think so because they want to sell more yeah just a good old-fashioned Massey that fucking video which one of China where they're spraying disinfectant in the streets no the try to kill the coronavirus Jamie it's on my

my is that bullshit but they do that shit in Arkansas some of its both of them are real but some of them I think are not accurate videos I don't know I've seen it on a couple different spots of line I've seen various ones so let's pretend we're ignorant and we don't know any better but watch the video because it's fucking Bonkers man they're driving through the street spraying everything at street level the thing I saw going around before which is you didn't they were spraying with drones they're using drones that fly around people it begins

but she they do that in the South with mosquitoes yes so it's kind of like that fucking terrible for you too Bella Wars you've breathed that shit in if it kills mosquitoes it'll kill you to salute Lee the fucking stuff is off all of our relatives like go play outside we're like is this safe know like yeah it's just off to you know a little bit let me let's watch this real quick give them oh fine it's on my Twitter also along with my man Eddie Izzard is running 28 marathons in 28 days in 28 countries because all through the month of February

all all in drag I have socks on my floor look at this look how crazy this is yeah this is not these fucking people they're spraying shit out of cars they're walking on the streets spring buildings it's all disinfectant apparently this coronavirus they say can live outside of a host for three days so if you have like coronavirus on your hand you touch a railing that shit will exist outside of your body for three days which is very unusual it's like some parasites

shit well it's this is what these doctors have been saying forever the one that died that's one of them but the doctors had studied at the CDC Duncan and I went to the CDC down in Galveston I think it is and we were talking with these infectious disease experts and we were all conspiracy theory like we're like you know like what we worried about like man-made viruses and this he goes listen you have to worry about man-made viruses he goes these motherfuckers are making them that in they're mutating used term motherfucker alright

well he wanted to probably dead he was saying that they they make themselves and they happen all the time and we barely can keep up with them and it just takes one big giant one like the Spanish Flu the crazy thing is Spanish Flu Is 1920 yes is 20/20 so like everything every hundred years yeah I don't want to say before that was what like yellow fever some things probably some shit in the 1820s yeah like down in the South like the Carolinas and find out what we're just what was the pandemic in the ATO here's the drones Jesus Army of drones

he's deployed across China dispense this in fact it's here's why I call that bullshit on that how much fucking disinfectant can they carry that little bullshit out then I'm gonna kill you know I mean there's so little that ain't gonna kill go refill and I love how it says Army of drones there's like three it's bullshit ass calm down the thing them driving to the streets freak me out more than anything yeah that's intense it is intense just like a fog the other thing to that which was scary I think it was real there was a drone that followed a woman

out of her house she didn't have a mask on and it was like you ma'am you're not you don't have a mask please home home you don't have enough followed her home in China yeah like that I'll can't translate so I don't know if what it was saying was there someone just made a video to be scary but the ship really is like a movie it is it's totally a movie because everyone's got to be locked down in their houses and say kids are starving to death because they're locked in their houses and their parents are in the hospital they just had like another I think I got a notification last

that said there was like a guy in San Diego that's being treated oh my God yeah it's just a matter of time just let me do the Rogan podcast before I get coronavirus you know here and too late neither of us have it I think they supposed to wash your hands a lot but that was before they realize that it's transmitted through the air don't think that happens what's going on this is the lady

this drone is speaking to you could you imagine she has no idea what's going on she's so high I didn't walk without wearing a mask yes you better better home don't forget to wash your hands just got blue hair I just yeah could also see some fucking around and make a scary video maybe but also could be real now drones could be real

why did you come outside mask hmm the snow will melt itself in a few months what a few months is that a haiku what does this stay at home with food and drinks why do you always come outside you can sort this sound just might be bullshit but it might be real I'm not I'm not feeling good about it it scares me Miss it's like these things absolutely can wipe out millions and millions of people before they can get a handle on it I had it I was on a plane

couple weeks ago flying from New Orleans back here and I had this Viking woman behind me just open mouth coughing and I had I was like first of all

no yeah second of all I had to turn around and say hey can you please cover your mouth and I had to do that to an adult woman and it made me feel weird some people are just fucking self just on a plane some people did they just don't care they're just selfish yeah yeah they don't even care that other people feel uncomfortable they just like I have to cough yeah and you're going to all experience it yeah for some people if they're sick they want you to be sick they don't they're not happy malicious fuck and malignant assholes hmm I'm worried don't be

you know what I've been worried about a lot about lately is glyphosate I've been reading to wipe the same same what is that you can't just glyphosate me what is Roundup it's a it's a chemical that they use for pesticide for agriculture and I was reading this whole thing about glyphosate and how toxic it is and how many people have gotten cancer from glyphosate and how often they use glyphosate on vegetables yeah I'm like motherfucking

fucker that's why I have to wash your vegetables how long you want it yeah it does it's all in there anyways here it is many is 85,000 glyphosate cancer lawsuit significantly closer settlement after federal trial suspended yeah there's a lot of motherfuckers that got cancer from this shit that's the Roundup that's the yeah weed the weed exactly thing right yeah kill your weeds I think it kills pesticides it's weed and what does it say there scroll down scroll back up there no the actual image of God oh God

dammit these pop-ups does it say it says weed and grass killer okay so it is it's not a pesticide it's just it's just for weeds yeah but what I mean I bet it kills pests to oh it kills everything but there they apparently a lot of people that are gardeners and that are working on golf courses golf courses apparently get it a lot because you know they spray that shit everywhere because I want everything to just be grass

but does it leave like a brown spot or no no it's just fuck it kills the weeds and doesn't kill the grass yeah that is certainly true that the other stories that are going around but if PA reaffirms the glyphosate does not cause cancer don't worry folks just drink it there was a guy break it there was a guy at a press conference he was saying I could drink this glass of glyphosate and it wouldn't do me any harm some guy goes drink it and he didn't he didn't drink or so I was in drink it yeah he's full of shit talk talk the talk yeah talk talk is cheap

me that glyphosate stuff it's like look you're just weeds are supposed to be there man they're supposed to grow along with everything else that's how it's supposed to work you can't decide well and what shit girl you got a supposed to pluck those weeks was going to say just pull them out yeah you fucking lazy let's thank God but if you have a garden along your weeds but if you have a gigantic mono crop agriculture Farm 6,000 acres of corn or Alfalfa or some shit can't really glyphosate there can really look at Walk You Gonna spray that bitch

which I don't know man I just whenever something happens like this coronavirus thing I get worried about all kinds of stuff I start worrying about all kinds of weird fucking toxins and chemicals you know that make sense yeah well that's what I always I think about that all the time like you I do well like I grew up I grew up in the South so it's like I remember like crop dusters like flying over and I remember some mosquitoes right yeah well the mosquitoes and then actual like planes that would come over and just dump everything and then I

up and then I start thinking about Chemtrails and this is just a Tuesday you know but I think about like that that shit like you know when it rains and then that stuff gets into the water supply and then you're just like oh I got a Brita filter but is it really you know this is a another yoga that I know that teaches yoga and he didn't know that you're not supposed to swim in the ocean right after the rain what in Los Angeles apparently it's super dangerous pollutant that ocean yeah because

cuz all the runoff is the way l a system is you know the LA River and all that jazz which is sort of a fake River it's not even a river but it's perfect for La calling the LA River the LA River is perfect when you look at it like oh yeah it's fake it's perfect literally it's just a concrete stream yeah well it's like a fucking gross drainage is just enormous well when that bitch goes down into the ocean it carries with it all the garbage all the chemicals oil from the

reads needles needles yeah and it's all in the water and so when you go surfing right after that you get really fucking sick and he was telling me he got deathly ill because he just didn't know any better he was just out there and he's from Argentina I'll guess where it's not as much of an issue there and he was in that water he got fucked up he said he was he was a wreck for like two weeks yeah that'll knock you out I mean if you're well that's just gross just sewage stew yeah right just floating around at it

it's just weird that they decided to make the LA River like that like I've never seen anything like that look at the LA River that's that's after full that's after a bit it was this here knows last year January 19 okay look at that motherfucker mmm just all condoms and poop I'm listening and fucking gonorrhea that's what they did with the reservoir that they drank they had to drain it because it was filled with shit Phil - it and bodies and cars and stuff

if it's like well well they say so many people are on antidepressants and ssris and all that jazz that the water supply has a certain amount of it in it because people flush and they flows apparently some of the water that we use is actually recycled they take your piss water and they turn around did you know that nope but now I do yeah I don't know if it's everywhere drinking see you basically drinking recycled piss water yeah mmm Essentia

giant tube Akshay specially an aqueduct but it's like a big pipe that's like hundreds of miles long that's how we get our water here the I've actually seen it were seeing someone walked at I think recited a video I saw but I've seen it in person but see it's it goes through the I think it goes through to hone Ranch maybe my it's an enormous pipe yeah so what have we learned that's Valentine's Day everything's trash today Valentine's Day know it's Friday oh this I think yeah people are just not supposed to live

that stacked on top of each other we're supposed to live in small villages I know woods with just enough food I'm down for that I want a tiny home do you yeah on them little mobile yeah little tiny home in the woods really with a fire pit out front could you survive in the woods probably not but have a lesbian friend yeah pretty much Denise lesbian friends are good yeah ones with those Patagonia vests oh yeah every Carabiner shit she's on survival mode 24/7 she's got we have earthquake drills every day

yeah really not really she's tiny building she didn't she's in the building yeah okay yeah she's my Alpha does she keep food oh yeah really can preserve oh yeah storage you know you're going deep when you have that fucking preacher food you know that stuff like that Jim Jim Baker was selling oh God what did you ever see that it makes sense but it was just it was it just like it's almost like spam but can live for it's like buckets rule bucket growl but he in Jim Baker's show oh yeah

used it as like the base of a of a like a table like he's like you could use it underneath your table this is how you can heal your kitchen table and he's got like a stacks of this stuff and then they were sitting on it like that you could use it as a stool like so like your house is filled with like Survivor food yeah so in case the shit goes down it's everywhere in your house you just have to open up one of these buckets they'll see that video Jamie bucket cruel there's that smash-cut video right who made this magic

jerk Burger that's right that's right yeah it's a Vic Burger smash Cuts fucking hilarious because I forgot makes a bunch of very funny internet videos as it is but as you're watching Jim Baker and this is the same Jim Baker from the old days when Jessica Hahn and Jessica had they had a fair and Affair see these are this is all this stuff is the shit he's selling this is stacked look he's got it all up the stairs and shit

this is its taxing survival food

look at this shovel shovel these are foldable shovels it'll go in your back past chip big you aware to fuck it backpack yeah yeah these guys are like really so he was banging Jessica Hahn and then Sam Kinison wound up banging Jessica Hahn and then are looking at look he's like this is so good he's eating it handfuls that's what is that is eating and he's coming out of his mouth bucket

oh Jesus Christ Jim literally he looks weird yeah he doesn't look like that same guy that's Tammy phase yeah yeah well he's dead now yeah well isn't he too she died from Diet Coke well I think she had some of that new bulk sampler she died from Diet Coke I think he said she drank like a hundred cans of Diet Coke a day and she got brain cancer southern people love that he'll love that that's what it looks like much could that will keep you alive just Martindale

look at that imagine eating that what and your fucking mixing all that together like what's in there diarrhea that's definitely what's in there diarrhea and nacho cheese that's like that's like queso from Texas you know how they have are you sir real real real cheesy Kasem ml flute like Miss Texas case oh yeah I was just there it's good I just used in where is he yeah where you went yeah I was there two weeks ago I was there two days ago okay

yeah is there Saturday night was for the UFC Friday and sound oh right right yeah but that that kick that was a good kick which one the the I don't know their names the girl did that round off kick to the other one oh that was a couple months ago I was yeah that's Valentina shevchenko I'm trying yeah she fought this weekend I'm gonna get called a fag and all the comments now out its oOkay itsu no reason I'm here what is that cheese stuff though that cheese that you know that cheese that's like watery

it's not really cheese what do they call him cheese no no no no it's like a you could squirt shit Scorch it yeah yeah but it's like Cheez Whiz is it cheese whiz the one of the tubes yeah it's right on which company like I'm not the I don't think I'm thinking about that though there's a type of like liquidy cheese that people would put on nachos and stuff like that do you know I'm talking about I don't it's nacho cheese I don't fuck I've but it's melted it's like but it's like running Equity cheese but that's what that is

Baker gruel looks like that he was serving up people but that's a big thing with preachers right they always want to prepare you for the apocalypse with food yeah because they're caught yeah that's what they do well it's like I don't want to be a prepper but I think you probably should have some food at your house Jackie ready for a couple of weeks I know should be ready for a couple weeks and they have these things where you fill your bathtub up it's like a bladder that

you put in your bathtub and then you fill your bathtub up with water so you always have water because if the shit goes down if it really lasts for a couple of weeks you're going to need some water and make sense yeah it's really going to make sense I just have bags of boxed wine in my fridge that's all help I'm ready to go listen people used to live off one yeah yeah they used to call it travel with prevent Travelers disease because they will everything because if you get water from a lake right like that water's got all kinds of garbage in it right

please like if you get water from a lake you're drinking a bunch of different bacteria and parasites and different I mean even if it's a Clear Lake you're really not supposed to drink the water unless you're above a certain altitude like I was in Alaska and I was with these guys and we were hunting and they told us we could drink this water because above 8000 feet or whatever beavers don't live that's it that's it you have to worry about you have to worry about beavers favorite they call a beaver fever it's Giardia it's a

beaver fever than guys get at clubs it's a different beaver fever or Denise yeah or did she get that beaver fever always it's just a power Shopper Patagonia jacket put on the best Patchouli a little bit behind my ears will do you little musk yeah why is it that lesbians have never been able to form a proper neighborhood but gay guys can do it in almost every town hmm I feel like gay guys push the lesbians out

out you think so lesbians are smarter because they'll form their own tribe yeah but they never develop like like boys town is legendary right it's like it's it is it's a gay five blocks of gay right I call it home let's that's your spot yeah but if you think about it there's no lesbian equivalent anywhere on Earth

that I know of they're like a legitimate lesbian Community where it's only lesbians and they get together and do lesbian things and wear cowboy hats ya things and yeah they have their own I mean that's the thing I feel like guys are more they want to be in charge more we're lesbians can kind of just form their own little Side neighborhoods they don't need the credit you know what I mean but do they know I feel like people would know there's a door like a legit lesbian neighborhood like girls town

people would know but would you want to go to girls town oh yeah yeah guys I think that's the problem that's the thing I think God's Gonna girls Town guys go then they ruin it yeah like almonds on it next door and they fucking act like to help you with your trash I want to fuck away from me exactly sure you're good come on yeah they get that a lot there's a lot of like there's a lot of like little organizations like I have a lesbian friends that do a thing called babes on bikes where they like and think about girls motorcycles yeah and they and they go to

level and that's cool yeah that's cool and they go hiking and camping and all that stuff would it be fair to say to compare lesbians to cats and gay folks to Dogs game ended dogs are dogs like no I'm going to reverse it but gate but dogs like to be impacts I know but dogs are loyal no they're not not sexual well but I don't know how many dogs your fucking little fucking hump your leg then I'll help Jamie so that's true yeah they'll fuck you like cats will just be

quetzal just like they'll just get out of here that's true to very temperamental very sociopathic but they don't like to live in like a big pack like the lesbians

this makes sense it does make sense I think I'm on to something yeah I'm gonna lose sleep I people always say men are dogs but dogs are dogs are loyal they're loyal but men are loyal they just not a loyal sexually right but they're loyal to each other good friends my best friends are all men I mean I'm girlfriend female friends but if I need some shit if I need like if I'm calling Bryan Callen yeah I'm calling a male friend yeah you know

this difference I think I feel like gay guys are probably dogs and lesbians are wolves whoo yeah whoo that's dangerous yeah the wolves are circle and they had you've got your Alphas in your betas and they all just know their place wolves eat dogs you know yeah do you think lesbians eat guys are totally every day in fact five or being eaten right now as we speak viciously have you ever heard of a lesbian and a gay guy getting together and deciding they're both straight

yeah they're in the South it's called conversion therapy does that work no whole know is that any worked on it I feel like I feel like that was in a documentary somewhere was like pray to Yahweh well you have like a yeah pray the Gateway it's like I met my beautiful wife oh right nobody's she was a lesbian and I was a gay man and then I like cuts to him tapping his shoe under a bathroom stall yeah that's sad shit man it is weird it's just brainwashing well it's just weird because those guys that do it

I read an article about this man who went sort of undercover to one of these pray the gay away camp seems talking about this counselor who was literally sitting behind him like holding him during this ceremony with a boner the guy had pressed up against this but you can feel the guys boners like what in the fucking Sam Hill yeah the Sam Hell I was want to say that when the Sam Hill Sean Elliott what the Sam Hill it's the new porn parody of Tombstone to me

bone that's God sad shit though man yeah it's still a thing what would be just for men that aren't gay to understand what that was like imagine if there was like gay conversion therapy where people were saying like you the God wants you to be gay and he's got to stop hooking up when all these ladies and we're going to get together and we're just going to pray that gay into you going to put on some Moulin Rouge soundtrack we're we're gonna all dress up like Cher dim the lights lock the doors

we're going to get this party started yeah that's fucking it's a ruthless thing man it's a weird thing that for whatever reason Society has it taken so long particularly this country for people to accept it that this is still up for debate with some people whether or not gay people should be allowed to be married oh yeah for sure did you see the woman of the the god it went viral it was a lady who was a pro Pete Buddha judge to for

didn't yes and then she was like what he's gay well no it's like what C we find that find that if we play it or will we get in trouble they'd probably tell what why would you get in trouble will get pulled off of YouTube the there's copyrights on those so they own the clip and so they want other people to go to their page to have the clip so we put it on our page that we need to pray the copy right away that's what we need to do that's all right yeah some yeah she was like what yeah what he's gay way that fucking can't back out of here

I had a woman God where is this I was I was doing a gig somewhere out of town and afterwards we had the meet and greet and she came up to and she's like I really thought you were really funny I was like thank you she's like I don't even care if you were gay what okay I didn't even care I still like job is done I still love you I still laugh and that's always how I've been it's disgusting yeah and you made me laugh through that so I don't all right so - yeah

like doesn't Define who I am right it shouldn't know it's I mean I you know I just can't believe that it's still such an issue unless you're trying to fuck you what do you care

like why do you care yeah the most interesting thing about Peak Buddha judge is that it's not that he's gay that's the least interesting thing about him yeah he's a very like basic yeah yeah it's just very like but it's like that's what the reason why he's the guy is because he checks a lot of these Progressive boxes hmm and he's also got a shitload of people donating to him here it is he's

to him what I mean first of all saying he has the same sex partner look at her look she looks like a woodchuck yes she should be concerned about her diabetes are you kidding me I don't want anybody like that in the White House

yeah but also like

this is what's this is what breaks my heart is This Woman's clearly doing her job and then she has her son with her and she's like no but I'm raising my son to be open-minded because I'm a Christian as well and love is love and that's what we need more of is when people cherry pick the Bible like a Jim Baker who's like you know or even are amazing Christian commander-in-chief we're slicing the Bible of my woman then it's just yeah it's just sad it's just like

in the Bible it says this and it's like well in the Bible it says you can always counter go against what the Bible says from a different verse it's like it doesn't say to eat shrimp or pork or anything like that but you know I'll see half these people at a Chili's Buffet you know just going to town yeah eat a lot of shellfish imagine if you got all the way up to heaven no no God was like look I don't care about guys fucking guys all that clams you guys are assholes it says in the fucking by bodoni clams

why'd you eat clams as you read what I said it was Mardi Gras I couldn't help myself why are you wearing two different kinds of cloth you know where two different kinds of cloth I know that's in the fucking mind that's the gayest thing to like if God if I did my whole job on Earth and I got to heaven and God was like girl two kinds of cloth I'm like wait what no back to hell you go wait wait also the Bible said clearly seen the hand of man I'm sure there was probably

some things that people had figured out whether it's from psychedelic experiences or what have you that they had there's some core tenants we should treat each other as if you know these are our brothers and sisters do unto others as you would have them do unto you don't steal don't murder all that stuff we can keep together and live in peace yeah and then people got ahold of it they exactly the greasy little mitts on it I think the shellfish and the cloven hoof shit like with pork like that that is in is in the Torah or the

what a great word cloven hoof yeah well you're not supposed an animal with the cloven hoof that eats its cud like pork you're not supposed to eat pork but that's probably because they had trichinosis but this woman sews she's a witch what the fuck happened with knowing how did Noah like what was he doing up there

he was doing the work no I mean for sure drunks is that yeah they were all doing drugs to every kinds doing drugs yeah they were all doing drugs I guarantee you I guess I think that's probably the root of most of these religious experiences those guys found mushrooms they were tripping balls they came back with some really Loosely put together Commandment that they got from God like Moses when he came down from the mountain in Jerusalem Jerusalem Scholars now believe that the burning bush that talk to God talked to Moses yeah

as the acacia tree which is a tree that's rich in DMT so they believe this thing of a burning bush was actually them smoking this plant and having these psychedelic experiences talking to I'm talking to God word makes sense right that's cool what about job in the whale that's always confused me one right yeah 40 or was it 40 days in the belly of a whale may be jobs for shit how about that I would think so maybe job was like you know like a beloved guy and it was like I don't want to believe he's lying to me John

no was double-parked oh Jonah Jonah the way who's JoJo like work get something to do with working oh he's worker it is a group in the South didn't pay attention to bible class I'm sorry and look how I turned out when I lived in large families he had a large family oh great great story and then the wallet as our then what and then Lot's wife when she turned around and turned into salt sure she fucked up yeah that was her fault well how about I mean listen how about Adam and Eve hmm how about how weird

that one and Lilith that dirty bitch wanted to eat that Apple she did and you know she didn't she didn't want to listen which they said the Apple was a pomegranate hmm they said that Apple could have been a pomegranate yeah because it's the it's the fruit of life because it has so many antioxidants in it there's another theory that the apple is actually the term apple is actually based on the color red and then it actually represented the Amanita muscaria mushroom which was the mushroom that they believe Christianity was based on

on the first place as a book called The Sacred Mushroom in The Cross by a guy named John Marco Allegro who is an ordained minister yeah see that that is an original Fresco from some France serious 13 Century Fresco depicting a demanding a tree of knowledge so that's mushrooms and that mushroom is a mushroom called the Amanita muscaria the Amanita muscaria is a really cool looking mushroom that you can find I found one in Colorado recently what Colorado yeah you think you final

going well are they that are they big like that yeah they're pretty well those obviously are exaggerated those are really tall no it's the Bible nothing is exaggerated that's really cool I never even thought about that the sacred mushroom the cross go to the cover of the Sacred Mushroom in the cross you can see the the image of this mushroom and you realize like oh that thing looks a lot like Santa Claus that's red and white yeah and there's a lot of weird parallels with Santa Claus

the mushroom grows under coniferous trees like pine trees was a mycorrhizal relationship with coniferous trees and it grows like almost instantaneously and that looks like a pomegranate mmm it does yeah sure looks it looks like an apple to it does yeah so that book is a really weird book it's hard to follow it's really complicated but the book is essentially saying this guy gianmarco Allegro he studied the Dead Sea Scrolls for 14 years and his conclusion

he was one of the people that was on the committee to decipher the Dead Sea Scrolls from Aramaic to English and after 14 years he his conclusion was that the entire Christian religion was a gigantic misunderstanding and what it were really was about was the consumption of psychedelic mushrooms and fertility rituals whoa yeah and that he Pagan isn't that take it all back to paganism which we're not supposed to celebrate but

we are but we are Christian Christmas is a pagan holiday data move a bunch of the holidays to to coincide with pagan holidays just to get pagan people on board yeah you know what it was what blew my mind it came out like

ten years ago is that Zeitgeist video about Chloe's and everything and Jesus and everything and I was just like whoa I had no idea check that out that's ya have it there's literally no it's when you stop and think about how long people have been telling the story of Jesus and how weird it's gotten over the years and how many times has been distorted and twisted and changed and turn turn from ancient Hebrew women the original Bible the Old Testament ancient Hebrew and then they converted it to Latin and Greek

can an English and then the New Testament and then so hard what if and then God's going to punish you and bring you to hell if you don't follow these words but they're also screwy you supposed to believe in all this nonsense like people coming back from the dead there's John Walker Allegro so the Dead Sea Scrolls were found in this it's a crazy story because they were found in qumran which is in Israel and they found them in these caves

us and they were in these clay pots and they were made out of animal skins they were written on animal skins and they actually had to do DNA tests on the animal skin so they could line up the pieces with the ones that or from the same animal so they can make this sort of assumption that this always one piece because a lot of it was all broken up so they had to put it all back together again and try to figure out what it all meant and he came up with this one theory that the word Christ

comes from an ancient Sumerian word which means a mushroom covered in God's semen what yes that's semen scum with the rain comes from rain was come home and rain was like God semen and then these mushrooms would come out of the ground right after the rain right because you know you've seen like when it rains the next day these mushrooms are huge yeah they're massive yeah well they eat them they trip balls and they think that it's coming from God and so sorry for all the stories in the Bible were essentially about them trying

trying to hide these mushroom rituals in allegories and Parables and all these different stories you know that made sense to them but wouldn't make sense to their conquerors like the Romans whoa bro because I mean I feel like if after a big rain storm because those mushrooms pop out of the ground really fast so they probably they don't have TV they don't have Instagram it's probably like whoa these weren't here like two days ago let's try them out will you ever talk to Duncan Trussell about when he's live in Asheville know when he's livid actual deed actually

a things on the manure to keep the mushrooms from growing because so many psilocybin mushrooms grew in the manure out there and they even like added things to the cows diet and are trying everything to kill these mushrooms because he's college kids Duncan Duncan Trussell in his buddies would go out to the fields and they would be fucking mushrooms everywhere yeah because you know Asheville North Carolina is like great environment humid yeah moist and everything is green and Lush these cows just fucking later dudes these mushrooms would grow out of them

and they would all these kids would trip balls yeah and Duncan talks with with great fondness of his college days just going out into the fields and find mushrooms and they would all just trip there fuck I'm just sit out in the field and it can do it overnight like it rains and then the next day you go out in the morning and this like fucking five pounds of mushrooms he floating around good times good times that's next that's next for decriminalization mushrooms yeah that's next they're going to make that happen they're going to make it happen it's

decriminalized in Colorado my friend Rashad Evans was here yesterday he was talking about it I think they're gonna pull that off in California as well we have to the first like just even from micro dosing if we could just get everyone to microdose the world will be so much better I feel like that's the new trend right now I hear that all the time it was just like I just microdose it is my orders I've done a bunch of time and I know I know somebody microdose is acid I'm like shit a lot of guys in Silicon Valley and is crazy and they think it keeps all their negative

at Bay I had a buddy of mine was just here the other day microdose has he says he takes it every three or four days that's the thing no no mushrooms like the little capsules Little Pill yeah they grind it up they grind up the mushrooms and he'll take one capsule every three or four days and it keeps he said just keeps negativity out of his head keeps me positive keeps them healthy yeah that makes sense yeah a lot of Fighters are into it now yeah I feel like that's what they did with with weed it's like I just feel like

especially now in California just feel like more people are just kind of chill with it yeah I mean I just remember like I can't even go back to like back in the day of like I got a joint let's go smoke in the car like shut up shut up cars driving by look especially if you're traveling yeah yeah Joey Diaz is a famous film of we went to Austin Texas and Joey Diaz used to hide the one that does balls and he's on the Alex Jones Show talking about how he hides weed is under his balls and it's there

now it's probably stuck there so I probably forgot about it but he used to that's what he has to do is take a little baggie put his weed in the baggie zip it up and and and tuck it under his balls in his underwear God that's crazy now you had to you had to be careful yeah I knew guys that would put it in coffee yeah yeah coffee and then now you just have a bag of gummies and you're like whatever didn't even know what it is I mean how many people are baby carriage yeah exactly yeah it's like eyes a vape pen okay cool they don't check they don't give a fuck they're just looking for

for bombs and who and as it spreads across the country the legality I think it's legal state legal and what nine states something like that and then medically legal and like 18 or something how many let's find out let's how many states let's try it let's try Siri I think yes I'm gonna say nine states legal I'm gonna go 18 states medical okay is that right Jamie

let's find out I think look at that whole shit all those green the dark is legally the dark is legally and the vale other ones are what medical yeah so everything is magical

well Texas isn't I know I don't think Texas is what is Texas City Texas Texas Texas get to Texas I like green is nothing medical CBD oil CBT

decriminalize no well we say can get seaweedy look CBDs the Gateway cause that shit is so good for him see if he needs a Gateway that is the Gateway I know they have it in everything now hand cream eye drops medical yes medical no decriminalized know so the light ones are what go to light ones are Foley illegal what Stannis is tennis I have family in Tennessee where they fully bullshit yeah Tennessee ones are fully bullshit we have to sneak around in Tennessee what is up in those green ones up north that's plain what is us the squares the square

is the light the light ones down of the yellowish ones yeah what is that Wyoming no medical no decriminalize what is the one next to Wyoming what does that state right next left left Idaho I don't know yeah see that's how they keep people out because Colorado man when they made it legal in Colorado fucking everybody move there yeah they did Colorado boom of course they're real estate jumped tremendously they started making a shitload of money I think Hawaii's got it like

like weird to next it what does it say mixed medicinal okay so it's reduced penalty and then Alaska is like free right yeah legal powerful friends in Alaska that's crazy it is crazy but look that just what we're looking at there Massachusetts legal main legal Vermont Vermont legal shh what does that Illinois New Hampshire still illegal what does New Hampshire Madness

all and ever do additional They Don't Really Care they're just kind of like Austin you know they're just like man we're in Texas but we're cool but New Hampshire's weird because that's supposed to be lived free like their bumper stickers there are there Live Free or Die Hard no this live freely I try and I yeah in Florida is what medical so there's really only a few Backwoods States well we're two bath salts are fine so one two three four five six always there because it's fully legal in DC and that's a

not a state or think that's the French government City but not legal yet that cursor off the state's I can count one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve twelve States fully legal 12 illegal so what do you say nine I said nine or twelve that's good that's Progressive yeah it's nice but I think it's an election year we got I'm sure some yeah people are putting it on the ballot to legalize it may be well there's a picture of Bert Kreischer taking his shirt off in the water green room I know crazy that's not I've never heard of such

but it was the moment that we became legal in California Burt stripped t-shirt office are running around stage we're doing an end-of-the-world podcast and in The Green Room are in the main room and 2016 when Trump is elected that was a weird night that was a weird night I remember where I was I was at the Improv that night yeah because we're supposed to be doing a show and it was like a

that's right you guys were all on stage at that table that's right that's right Sarah Tiana have been the Bill Burr show yeah they'll burrow was on fire he was roasting everybody it was amazing was a nut I remember like I we were at The Improv watching the election happened and all of a sudden everyone's going red red red and number and someone looked at me was like are we in trouble my God yeah we're totally fucked well people didn't think it was coming they had this idea well people have these ideas of what's good and what's not good what's going to happen and not gonna which brings you back to this

mayor Pete guy huh they came up with that guy because they said look here he is he's young handsome guy he's gay he's a mayor he speaks well I think he served as a military yeah so like this would be the guy but he's also backed by all these billionaires like it's a fucking it's a shell game what do you mean he's got a wine cave leave them alone he's got a wine cave what does that mean well didn't what's it like Elizabeth Warren said something like he had this fundraiser at a wine cave like yeah it was like all these like rich

billionaires it was like a cave what is it called a wine cellar but it happened to be a cave somewhere out here in California just trying really hard to keep it from being Bernie really hard don't want Bernie Sanders and get if he gets in that apparently you know he was an independent for so long he doesn't want to play ball and he doesn't accept any money doesn't step accept any money she sending cool Grandpa yeah I think he's I mean shit I love Bernie you know why cuz he like you could say happy Martin Luther King day that's but then

you look at an old picture of him and he's marching next to Martin Luther King right for civil rights yeah that's amazing you can't be like no like where were you right you know it's like I just I don't know I have hope I hope for somebody just to have hope for him socially yeah I like I like what he stands for socially but then you look at I don't know if economically it's feasible because I don't understand economics like when people start talking about he when he was on here he was this

scribing that if they just took a very small amount of money from every transaction that they do like less than one cent from every transaction That Wall Street does that it would add up to more than enough money to pay for healthcare and a lot of other things gold whose explaining at all and he was explaining like very calmly and it didn't seem like it was bullshitting us out I don't think he is a bullshit I don't think he's been in the game for years he knows how it works he's on a bullshit he knows how these people with money work you know yeah

it's something and it's just a it's such a weird upheaval politically like things don't make a hundred percent sense anymore yeah I have no I actually had a friend of mine asked basis like you know because we got our voter registration because we vote March 3rd here so that I could you who are going to pick him like I don't know I mean we're gonna go Blue anyways but it's just like I honestly don't know it looks like Bernie Sanders going to be the nominee for he's winning in New Hampshire

it looks like you are they say anyone in Iowa or know I think Pete did he pull shit he beat him by 6,000 votes it's such it's so but creepy beat him in a dance-off so oh did I think it down I would love to see Pete just more coin flips that's how that's right how about that fake coin flip they've robbed that quote whoever that is that did that coin flip put that kid in a jail cell what son of a bitch you see that coin oh I want to see the coin flip a coin flips hilarious was this in Iowa yeah

dreg watch the coin flip hold on do it from the beginning watch this watch how bad this coin flip is go go fullscreen Go full screen please and do it from the beginning watch this flips it catches it look a little bit at the bottom and then charge it over wow hey fuck you and no one said anything though they're all happy yeah it's mayor Pete look ye that's what they wanted they wanted to be mayor Pete so this dude rig this coin flip in front of the whole world watch this pulls it looks at it okay how shall I flip it

it I'll do it like that horseshit that's not how you do a coin flip goddamn all Iowa learned a coin flip imagine if you were betting $100 with that guy so I bet you a hundred bucks it's like okay well flip a coin oh I win we mean you win you fuck you rigged it look at that and what what is his jacket what is the patch I'm a cunt cause I'm a cunt mmm for Steven cunt to cunt for sweets really bad point flips I love that woman who's like every mom in Iowa like I'm

my son how's that old guy watching right next to me hey you fuck that's not how you flip a coin what country you from kind of nonsense is that that's all you need more of is just people calling out bullshit is that something that you do it in Greenland that's not how you do it in America you don't get to look at the coin then flip it over to the other side you asshole look at it he looked at it and it turned it like manipulated it with his hands he's also like do it again just do it again yeah well did you do it flip that bitch let it land on the ground

yeah let it land on the fuck everybody back up so they doing football yeah and I know that yes I mean flip that bitch live at you think he's out of his fucking NFL kind of damn money on that yeah but yet this is literally could could change politics like one way or the other if Bernie gets it or if mayor Pete gets it the delegates it could all add up to one guy or maybe backhoe down the why I mean that's bullshit repaint the whole thing is bullshit bullshit what are the common

did they went off on this of course they did but this is what they did to Bernie Sanders in 2016 they rigged the DNC rigged the primaries then they don't want him and they're doing it now because he's because you can't he won't work with them yeah it's not corrupt yeah they want someone who takes that money you don't want Tulsi and they don't want Bernie they push them out yeah right they effectively eliminated them as threats low but it can't burn he's got too much grass roots behind them but who do you think if say if he gets the the nominee nomination who do you think he'll pick his vice

see if he picks Tulsa he'll be smart to them together will be a dynamic economic team what if he picked AOC no she's too young she's only 28 can't be president she could be Vice no I don't think so you don't think 336 to be president he gets shot in the head then what happens I'll God sorry they probably would it mean if she cause Wall Street billions of dollars and the losses it could be real ugly for him I don't think they're going to shoot him the definitely poisoning have to be 35 to be vice president

yeah she's too young she's 28 yeah well that's why she says things that don't totally make sense sometimes well we all do one of the things she said it's impossible to pull yourself up by your bootstraps in this country by the shoelaces yeah yeah I saw that but here's why that's not correct she used to be a waitress now she's a congresswoman she's literally living proof that you can you can pull yourself up from the police worked hard she worked hard I understand what she's saying she's talking about working families that are really poor and then have multiple jobs in that are struggling and they're they're never

we're going to be rich the never going to be wealthy the number one be middle class she's right in that regard that's there's a lot of people that because of their circumstances because their responsibilities they can't take any chances they can't do the things that she did she's young and single she's writing that way but I don't ya see I have a twisted relationship with this whole idea of democratic socialism I'm a hundred percent in favor like me personally I'm paying more taxes if I really felt it was going to make an impact for the better of humanity if it was going to improve schools

for kids that live in bad neighborhoods it was going to be developed community centers in bad neighborhoods it was gonna you know provide better healthcare for people I'm all in for that I just don't trust the government meaning I don't trust the kind of people that you would give that money to and then they would allocate it however they would the way they'd like to do I just don't know if they're efficient I don't know if they're reasonable I just most people that work in government like I don't know if they have the capability of change on a large

scale or if they're already so compromised in so many different ways that it would just be throwing money away right right did you see the video with I don't know what it came out it's Adam Carolla sat down with Tucker Carlson did you see that what did they talk about they talked about like California they talked about the homeless epidemic that's here in California and how I'm going to trying quota right he says the government just kind of looks a blind eye because we are a city and a state that lives on permits and parking and licenses and you know we just want that

money you know so it's like if he says something you know Forest Memorial Forest Lawn Memorial like how you look across the way and there's all these you know immigrants and what not like selling flowers you know but like a woman driving without a license plate show get pulled over and charged but all these other it was kind of interesting and I hate saying I hate being like Oh Tucker Carlson but it was just it was actually a really interesting interview that's probably a good point yeah California would care about the homeless if you get money we can get money from them showing all the way over here to I was just looking at all these

tents and it's just so fucking sad it is so sad it's really sad and it keeps growing it keeps great I live in West Hollywood and I remember like a couple years ago because you know it went from downtown and then downtown pushes them all out so they keep going west keep going with some go to the beach so I'm going to Santa Monica but now it's like I live in an area that you know six seven years ago it was it was fine but now it's like even on the way to go get coffee this morning I walk everywhere I go it's like I saw like three three homeless people just outside

screaming at nothing you know they're in tattered clothes and they're dirty and they're you know I went I used to work with a girl years ago at a restaurant when I waited tables and she's now homeless and she's like out of her mind and I feel bad because you always ever mine no no she hurt you know her name was Lotus you know she did yoga and now what happened I don't know I don't know try to talk to I did went it was like I got to watch the progression of

the crystal illness yes so I would see her every now and then I was like hey what's going on because like back when the recession happened you know we were waiting tables so we bounced from job to job because one day we go to work in the be chains on the door because they couldn't pay us so we had this little kind of group that we would go apply together at different jobs and then I started seeing her out on the street and just walking around I was like hey what's going on hope your hope you're doing well and that is it on she just kind of never let me know how she was really doing and then like a couple years would go by and I'd see her and I'm like

she looks a little out of it and I would say hi to her and she wouldn't respond and then now it's full-on like teeth are missing and running down the street crying and it just breaks my heart because it's like I don't know what to do and I don't know if she would be willing or how tight were you with her yummy and yet her phone number no I don't know I don't know I mean I don't even know she has a phone I can't hear it but did you at one point in time I think so yeah and it's like it's just that like inner guilt and you're just like God how did it get so bad should an apartment you know I think her parents

parents passed away and that might have like set our you know spiraling but yeah I remember just like doing a spot at the Laugh Factory one night and walking outside and you know how everyone they just keep everyone outside like you do it and she just like Barrel through everybody just screaming nonsense and like shit like teeth missing and it's just sad it's just really really sad and then I'm at the gym working out I'll see her like down there you know with her garbage and everything and yeah she doesn't

It's just sad it's a lost cause when you knew her she didn't seem like she had a mental health issues no really no I mean she would talk she would do yoga I mean I remember her she was always sweet Lotus her will her name was Lotus Harmony which I don't know if that's a real name but at the time that's how I knew when she was always just this sweet lady you know just beautiful skin beautiful smile always in a good mood when she got

mad you were like oh man Lotus is pissed you know because she was always so friendly and yeah and then now you're just like damn and I you know I just want I don't know what to do I would love to help her because it just breaks my heart homeless people break my heart but female homeless - really really is sad for me yeah because we're sexist well it's I feel the same way you know it's just look what like someone's daughter someone's wife someone's just out

there you know vulnerable to the elements and predators and it's just yeah it breaks my heart no it's awful but I think most of what you're seeing with homeless people is people that are severely mentally ill so you got to wonder like what cause maybe she was on medication and her yeah her you know our insurance ran out yeah she couldn't full-on Joker yeah yeah that's real it is real fucking real there's a lot of people out there with giant mental health issues yeah I mean I

I know I know several people who you know they would have anxiety a guy that I used today is like you know we dated for a long-ass time it's like if he didn't have his his anti-anxiety yeah like and he got off that I mean he would fall on have a panic attack and that would get dirty and I had to witness that which was insane yeah people that lose it because of their off their medication yeah that's a sad situation because you like you're always going to be Tethered to this

the good work by the way you visit twice today did I yeah we said it earlier before we started the tether but use it all today yeah I just hope it works Heather Tuesday hashtag tethered Tuesday it's you know like what happens to them if the fucking coronavirus hits and they get lost right doors for six months you just become a agoraphobic and lose your shit well we were talking about this the other day that most of what this is all happen from the Reagan Administration during the Reagan Administration they change the standards of what it means to

to be mentally ill and they just release people from Asylum because they didn't want to pay for it all hmm and you know that look if La is la is a city of 20 plus million people which is as many people in Allah as I think is in all of Australia so think about that think about the amount of money and that they can't make asylums here think about how many abandoned buildings there are true how much money how much money would it cost

there's currently somewhere in the neighborhood of 70,000 homeless people yeah they said there was some statistic that said there's more empty apartments in this town than homeless people the thing is though that those folks don't just need a place because they'll fuck that place every ability punch holes in the wall shit in there and stop smear it if they're crazy add they what they need is help and they need medication and they need counseling and they need and some people I don't I mean I'm not a mental health expert I don't some of them you might not be

be able to do anything to some summer So Gone might not and also they get so filled with despair I knew a bunch of guys that were homeless back from my pool hall days there was a bunch of guys that would hang around the pool hall they would even sleep on the floor and you know I knew guys who try to sleep in people's couches it sleep at the bus stops and then they'd come to the pool hall and try to hustle up enough money to get some drugs and yeah it was they were stuck in this place where they could never get past where they were they were just in a

what and they can never get out of it and it's just it's heartbreaking yeah despair so much despair because you're just like what happened the for instance the other day I'm walking down Santa Monica Boulevard over by Barney's Beanery and I just hear up run around and I look over and this kids like had to be 22 23 years old and I was like what happened where are your parents went to many auditions blue a few yeah

just snapped if I hear no one more time yeah I know they dropped him and he's just out there Regulators rocks I'll show you Hollywood Reporter motherfuckers God there are people though that you meet in this town when you meet them early in their Journey hmm and they still have hope like it's not worked out yet but it's gonna I'm gonna make it and then you run and Comics yeah so I mean that's the thing I think it's so relatable in our field as well because you know those people

yeah we do know that I've all I want to say I almost was one of those people where are you oh yeah when what time I mean give me a time where it would like 2002 and then 2005 and the real shootout yeah I mean there were seven meet you until when 2007 and I want to say yeah I think I met you at the ice house when we were podcasting up there yeah and then and then when you came back

to the store that was like 14 yeah 14 yeah that's what I saw you again and even then it was like you know making working I remember you looked at me you go through the we're just gay guy I've ever met and I was like fuck yeah why did I say that I don't know probably all really high yeah probably so I didn't know what I was saying when I was saying rap but I mean I feel like that's you know you get through that struggle and you get through the gears of being hungry and the years of like can I pay my rent this are you do whatever you can to just scrounge everything up and

and do it so you have those moments where you like this might not work out I might go crazy

mmm or

what's my other option move home

or suicide damn yeah I mean this town's hard it's very hard well it's also you see so many people that are doing well right like it seems so far Out Of Reach like when you're broke and you see some guy driving by in a Mercedes convertible you like you know you see these people going into those big high rises off a La Cienega you know doorman there and everything but no one lives there no one lives oh no one can afford that shit you can't we talking about I mean there's Maybe

like what I've heard is that the they build those and then the Saudis want their kids to come to school here and get American education so they just buy them form but nobody have you done any research on this or is this just I've ever heard some things well where the real money is is that Wilshire stretch oh yeah yeah that that is and that's always been there yeah there was a the weekend just bought some fucking redonkulous yeah Penthouse up there that makes sense yeah you get some crazy ass

view but isn't it weird that that one strip is where all the luxury apartments are Wilshire yeah yeah that one does this always yeah yeah like one area around like the Santa Monica area where the fire happened right right that was the Palisades right no that was Wilshire and Brentwood yeah a fire in the Palisades Westwood Westwood there was a fire the palace is there was a fire that's fucking desires I realize for everything catch on fire any day now so what turned it around

for you what what made it feel like it's going to be okay do you remember you know what I'm going to say something and it's going to come across really cheesy and but it's real I just believed in myself don't you know Susie That's why I had to be like you know what I know I've been doing this for so long I know who I am I know what I've got but ever since I've seen you you've been a killer thanks like you're really funny thank you man like

I've seen some sets from you in the main room like this motherfucker is your free you know you're up there you're free yeah you like your your loose and unrestrained you know you're fucking funny thanks but I didn't see you when you weren't so like when I saw you you were doing well right from the moment I saw you when we first met and a lot of it I think was pressure from Mitzi because I skipped all that I skipped the open mics I skipped all of that I just remember being at my lowest

Lowe's and being like what do I have to lose and I remember being a kid and being like you should do stand-up because I idolize you know Joan Rivers and Robin Williams and

I remember being like fuck it let's try it out and I remember getting old were you when you got on stage doing stand-up first time it was 2008 yeah that was your first time with my first time yeah so he thought about it for a long time I thought about it for a long time and then so from 2008 to 2009 our October 2008 to June 2009 that's when I had an open mic at the store and I just remember Michael Jackson just died and I just remember it was sick this energy was

easy that night

and there was an open mic there was like 16 comics in the main room and I was like 14 I was like No And then they were like Justin's going third so we didn't start doing the podcast at the ice house until 2009 yeah it was right after I got past no I don't think we started at the ice house until 2011 now that I'm thinking about I think we mostly did it at my house yeah first year right to it was mm yeah 2011 that makes us that's probably what I meant you so you but you already rolling by that well no I have no idea on stage

doing well I was doing well but I didn't know who I was hmm I knew how to make people laugh but I didn't know like what I didn't know the process and so Mitzi was the one who like passed around the last guy she passed at the store whoa and so I just remember being like oh she say to you she didn't say anything she just pointed she looked at Tommy and said make him a regular and he was like like development spots and she's like no he's ready and then I remember being taken away and they were like you've just been passed by Mitzi short like it was like a weird

like Ren Faire wizard thing like what has happened to you never happens and then I just remember being like oh shit like I did my research about the place and I just remember being like hot damn I'm looking at her right now yeah and just that feeling of like I've got to make this happen I've got to make sure because she'd never I don't even know when the last time she came to the store was but you know everyone kind of knew she was ill and I just wanted to be like God I hope this wasn't like just

having Dimension being like bam you know like she's insane she picked that guy dude when she passed me I didn't sleep that night really no

I was lying in bed remember thinking I can't believe like I'm a paid regular at the store I was already on TV yeah oh yeah TV show yeah that didn't mean shit to me yeah what meant something to me was like I was a I was a real comic now it's a stamp of approval the guy had already been paid you know I'm starting to cry oh Joe

get in touch with the emotions it's normal I had already been doing stand-up like for money you know I'd done a lot of headline at gigs I you know I travel I did some Road gigs and I did a lot of stuff around New York before I came to La you know and then I was out here in 94 and she made me first she may be a non-paid regular and I would go I go on last every night and I was here every night I don't have any friends

I'll stand at the Oakwood Garden Apartments was pre furnished apartments and I was on this television show that was terrible and I was just going to the store every night I would work all day during the thing didn't have any friends and then I would go to the comic store and that's that's where I feel like tried to find a home a family yeah so I got these late-night sets there's like you know it was always like five people in the audience six people in the audience and then one night she passed me she passed me I've told the story before but there's a guy named that

Todd and the tarded he's eventually he developed like some pretty severe brain issue like and he went insane and it was really sad because back then I had seen him before I ever came out here on MTV on the half-hour Comedy Hour oh huh and he sat down next to Mitzi while I was onstage and laughed his ass off just hi is this the alarm the main room though are in the OR and then I came off stage and she just goes okay your

past that was it that was it your those my second audition for the first one she made me have non-paid regular and I did that for months and then I became a paid regular but the Todd pulled me aside and he said he goes I sat there and he goes you're really funny goes what I sat there and I laugh really fucking hard and I told him it's you really funny and he goes and you're going to do that for other people someday yeah it's a cool feeling it's a cool feeling to actually had the moment of

seeing her I think it was at the it was a reunions it was the 40th reunions something couple years ago and they had me on like the class of 2006 was like Natasha and some other people were on the line up maybe even Duncan I don't know and she was sitting in the back they brought her in and and her wheelchair and

I was like I have to say hi to her you know I'd never I didn't get to say hi to her and get to meet her the last time she just pointed and took off and I kind of like I went up to her and I looked in her eyes and I shook her hand and I said hi I'm Justin it's it's about honor to meet you and I just want to say thank you because you changed my life and she just stared at me and I was like she doesn't even know and then all of a sudden she just squeezed my hand and that was it that's all I needed

so that that to me was like she's there she gets it yeah you know she'd have those moments that she be in and out but I mean that's everything that I've done that's led up to where I'm at now has been for her too because I haven't had other than my other than my mom and my friends back home I've never had somebody really believe in me like that you know what I mean right like very special it's very special

and just yeah to be a part of a family yeah and that is what it was I mean and that's what helped me getting out of that like I'm not good enough and oh I'm moving home it's like oh wow I actually have a home now and every time I go there now I just feel so welcome and you know it's nice it's a fraternity it's a sorority it's a university you know I mean yeah it really is it's hard to describe for people that don't know you know

like I was talking to Bill Maher and he was telling me he doesn't go to clubs I don't know I'm not going to fucking clubs I'm like why when you go to college you don't like going to clubs it's like I graduated from that I'm a gun with that much graduated like dude I'm never leaving graduate least you have it alma mater you know go to hell it's not even that it's just like why that's that's the gym yeah it is the gym yeah I mean totally that you're not done learning never done stand-up is never over he said endless journey and especially if you do

new specials right because you abandon your material and you're starting from scratch every few years you're you're never done like you have to be around I don't think there's any other way I've been I've done it different ways you know there was a time where I was gone from the store or wasn't I wasn't doing my best work and I wasn't doing way more gigs for the UFC and I wasn't working the clubs as much in my stand-up just wasn't a sharp just wasn't as good there's no way around it it's like you have to do the work

there's no other way and it's also there's something about that environment that place it's so nurturing it is you know it's crazy because it's like I'm now on the road and it's a it's my first time actually like performing in theaters which is crazy but you know I feel like the main room in the OR and all that has been that Jim has like you said where you're just like okay I'm ready to do this I remember doing the Grand Ole Opry last year in Nashville like where

like in my as a kid from the Simon theater The Ryman yeah and I like they just were like all right get out there and I went out there my mom's in the crowd like I was just it was so over I didn't even think about it until afterwards and I just remember walking out there just be like holy shit I'm at the goddamn the ground along Grand Ole Opry and it was just me and I just let's go yeah like this is what you're this is what you're made for let's go I try to talk to people about what it's like to hang out the store hmm I people that have never been like a why are you there so often like man just come on

me one day just come with me one day when I walked through the building yeah it's pretty we're so lucky it's magical is really what it is and you know it's it's a place where you know there's Egos and there's you know

rivalries I guess and it's is a few that I've heard of yeah I don't and I try not couple of gals that don't like house couple gals don't like each other that's all I know about I know about a couple gals

yeah I don't know about any dudes anyway dude rivalries where do you do I yeah you don't have anyone anybody right do you might have to discuss it yeah I'm positive I don't have rivalries I just here's my thing couple people are annoying couple people are annoying and a couple a couple people need to check themselves because there's a lot of like I just said ego and bullshit and I just don't have time for that right yeah right but you know for the most part it's just all hugs

right yeah yeah I will say that like if you see somebody can just catch up you haven't seen him in months you just hug them yeah and you just pick up right where you left it so it's a like an empowering environment like it nurtures you like you get there you feel great you know that's why people come there even if they don't know spot like there's a lot of comics they're on the road they don't even want to do a spot but they want to come to that back bar and hang out like I was just in town I wanted to hang out Ron White does that shit all the time oh yeah Runway it's always there yeah well he has a house it is a house in Beverly Hills so he just gets into cars at fuck it I'll come on

hang out that back door is great back bar changed everything yeah you know gave us a place mmm it's gets infiltrated some days by know some days it's all it's now being infiltrated wormies we need to stop the infiltration is all sudden they'll be there asking questions like hey this is not what this is for yeah it's not here for you to grill me on how to get started and how do you do this and how you doing hey I'm here with the comedian's yeah just to hang out with my friends I'm not oh I did it I did a spot up in the belly room did you really what you get out of

here did you where's your name on the wall get out of here well that's the thing right anybody go up in the belly room if it's one of those weirdo shows weirdo will be like the weirdo shows hey man that's how people get started I started to show their that got picked up it's coming out next month what is it and March yeah it's the show that we got do you laugh at y'all ready laughing because we started it two years ago in the belly room what is it it's called what was called stand up to the streets and then e end up to the street yeah it was a dance battle you know I roshi trolls yeah

and so we started it two years ago my friend Justine Marino and the first day we were supposed to do it you actually bumped us out I don't know you're just like I'm doing tonight we're like God damn it Joe wins again nobody told me that no no of course not but then call me sir mustard just offered it to me I think they did but then we did it like monthly we every month we went in there and did it sold out every night and then this network was like hey let's put this on TV and you know coming out March what's it on it'll be on the E network

work I was hoping you didn't say Bravo well same thing let's really now isn't that where the Keeping Up with the Kardashians you're leading no I don't like my life was in the gym the other day watching that no walked like a why yeah you're smart yeah you're interesting what are you doing hmm she likes being distracted by nonsense well that's it that'll do it for you if you fucking know how to do it too it's like a hypnosis show they have these smash Cuts they go quickly from one person to the next and they there is just enough

Romney like how are they going to resolve this but it's also like mind hypnosis because you're just watching their like the other day yeah I had a salad and it was really good and you're like why do I care but tell me more about the sighting arthritis because my wrist hurts we want to have a Candyland themed party but with no candy what I want to take them and swap them out on Naked and Afraid absolutely take them and just drop them off in the jungle see how they survive naked and K frayed that's it

it you know I mean have them do something really difficult like change a tire or just fucking anything hard their life is I mean it's really interesting because I made sort of a I don't know what she was saying not an oath but I decided to stop making fun of Kim Kardashian down started letting people out of prison yes I'm like that's powerful he's real like that she's really doing something like genuinely good

someone stop mocking her only you have to but it's like you know she wants to be a lawyer does show for it well yeah she's in law school is she really yeah she's going to law school yes she go there and she do it at home

- ever assistant do it and tell her what the answers are against the cliff notes yeah she seems like she hires doing it you know ever since he got the OJ off yeah or helped is part of the Dream Team yeah but it's apparently the one that hand OG into the bag of blood to bag of bloody clothes you heard it first so I heard well man I don't know if that's true but I don't you know and you gotta I don't know I can't knock I can't I know she's doing good I talk shit about him

it sucks cause I have like videos up from like years ago and then I went to the of me just shitting on them and then I and then I went to The People's Choice Awards and I had my friend Traver rains like do this like he designed this like amazing country western tuxedo but it was all their faces crying it was so awesome check out my Instagram it's so good he was all and I sat and this waiter came over to me he goes you know they're sitting right next to you right and I was like shit

I was freaking out and so that they all come over and they're sitting right there and I'm like uh like my butthole get your look at your jacket Kim looks up at me and she just goes oh my God that's amazing and I'm like oh and then she's like Mom look and then Chris is trying to turn around and she can't and then and then Chloe's there and then Courtney Courtney loved it and then they start taking pictures of me on their Instagram stories that I'm like oh my God and then I

up to go say hello look at that was it isn't that dope that's when I worked at e well they're not all crying they did but they all look and see what I mean walkie-talkie there's crying it's it was awesome that's a great pick and then I got up to go say hi to them and that's when I security guard almost like body slam me really in the one at the bottom you'll get a full one there Lester Nygaard they have overzealous security guards oh yeah but after she got kidnapped and Paris Lee and then I'm like and I thought to myself like just

so what the hell are you doing you can just pure six-foot-four you get us Wok over and like a normal person down you fucking comment or know your place well not only that you have pictures of them all over your jacket a security guard might think you're fucking insane by the way you look insane look at that face what are you talking about that's just a strong jawline look what's going on here look at you that was yeah you look like a crazy person

he definitely you look good though thank you it's not bad yeah represent for a ridiculous jacket and I mean that wanted it was off it was stupid I wanted it to be stupid and fun and campy and so what were you doing there will be therefore I was there at the People's Choice Awards because I used to host a show on E called what the fashion what the fashion so it was like the it was like the millennial version of fashion police what is it like working at eat now well I

don't work there anymore well what will you know wasn't that long ago was like what

it seems like an incredibly frivolous Pursuits well I didn't really I didn't really get I worked there for two years so I built this show up from the ground up called what the fashion and then oh shit we're doing an exclusive aren't we are we yeah yeah it was for Snapchat discover and it was awesome and it was a great platform and started on Snapchat mmm whoa yeah you're one of those guys one of those guys who knew and then you know I used to

right for Joan on Fashion Police a couple times you have a YouTube channel no you should do it why is this still a thing dude start a podcast oh you are yeah we definitely should have one of those I'm gonna do it yeah but why don't you have a YouTube channel I don't know

like it's a great way cannot put up content yeah I'll take the note and do it while I'm going to but to you'd be trying well what the fashion has a YouTube channel so it's all up there I know but I get another in December but I left just because I didn't get to really do all the fun stuff they just kind of stuff well you know like red carpet and like go to the events and stuff and I was just have a lot on YouTube channel you can do that and bonus no boss yeah no boss that's what I had to learn I had to learn to be my own boss at the end of the year

yes that's right here you're on a show with no boss wait you don't have a boss no boss wow yeah your guy's ass bitch aren't sighs but I know so that's what I'm learning this year is To Be My Own Boss yes you can do it a hundred percent I just try to encourage as many comedians as possible to do it it's like you can put up content of your own you can you can do anything on your own I mean so many people like Tim Dylan prep example by the way

I just got this

exclusively I love Daddy I'm Dylan shark I was at him and drag its him as Meghan McCain oh I got blocked by her you did touch on Twitter Yeah Tim Dylan of course he did you get blocked fire I just said something on Twitter it was just kind of like what you say I don't remember but I I told her to fucking calm down and now she's like shit my father my father my father my father and now she's like I love gay people and I'm like we're okay bitch but

she will if that's a good stamp of approval to getting passed by Mitzi getting blocked by Meghan McCain well she blocked him Dylan and he was he was very excited about it it's kind of an epic thing I got blocked by a Chloë Grace Moretz and who's that she's an actress why she block you because I yelled at her in a movie theater whoa she was on her phone really yeah and I was watching The Purge so I was like in the moment she was talking on the phone and a fucking movie know she what she was on it she was like checking Instagram full brightness just

no yeah and she was sitting in the front and I oh I was living I've talked about this several times and I'm still fucking tree how did she know that it was you she didn't notice me because it was dark and I went over and screamed at her and told her get off your fucking phone then I turned around the audience started clapping because everyone was pissed off so I was a movie hero and then as I went out someone was like that's the girl you were yelling at Paparazzi were all around her and I was like oh I'm taking this to Twitter I'm gonna tweet and I started tweeting

are saying hey bitch get off your phone and movie theater especially if you're an actress and we're paying money to see you doing movies you know and then she blocked me so then I wasn't done yet I tweeted her boyfriend at the Times mom who happens to be Victoria Beckham Posh Spice and was like hey your son's dating an asshole you know who didn't block me Victoria Beckham she probably didn't like her either sure yeah but she didn't fucking her son's probably angry that dirty bitch

canner bad breath over my son's dick God Jesus wait I just got a notification she just blocked you on Twitter you been good I don't check oh my God block me all day on Twitter I won't never notice who's the most famous person who's ever blocked to I don't have no idea you don't know you don't care I stopped reading Twitter mentions with all that stuff a long time ago I need to get better at that yeah I don't read shit I'm gonna do it though I'm going to read these comments why because it kind of gets me

hard I just like think I think the whole premise of comments it's fascinating to me how someone takes time out of their day to just this motherfucker like you know it just it just blows my mind you know and it's funny because sometimes they're very supportive like once once I left the show you know people are coming and and tagging me and stuff and

be like we want Justin backwards just in the shows not the same and I'm just kind of like well it ran its course you know I did my thing and I'm moving on right but it just it's just so funny how some people are just like you know it did what's it called lights out with David Spade the other day and it was like get this faggot off shit I know it's just but it makes me laugh because I'm like well who's on the show me not you so who's the faggot now hmm I don't think that changes I don't think

the change of the people say things all day long doesn't change who you are don't think it changes I think what the real problem is that people have access to your emotions if it doesn't fuck with you then I don't know if you're the one of those people but for most people fucks with them like Bert Kreischer said it best he goes I was looking at one of the other day and he goes and then I was thinking why am I risking the fact that something might fuck with my head or hurt my feeling right when I get off of it that's what he said I was like that's a good point yeah because that's kind of what it is

well I live in toxic times you know it's not a good way to talk okay because if someone's in front of you you would rarely be that mean it would it would it would take a lot for something to be that mean in front of you but on Twitter there's no real connection plus they don't like the fact that you are the guy was on TV and they're not that's a big thing right fuck him why would you why are you on there not me and people have this weird idea about people who are doing well that if they're doing well you're allowed to shit on them you know

I fucking saw something where someone was talking about Kobe Bryant's wife and they said with all her money she'll be fine oh my God imagine thinking like that like your emotions are attached to the fact you have money so no you're fine you're fine you have money you fucking daughter and your husband died in a fiery helicopter crash and these people this one person was like with all her money she's fine yes some shallow broke he doesn't have emotions yeah she'll move on amazed got three other daughters

it's also this thing where they feel like they're allowed to do that because you are really success right you know because and then with you it's like you're on TV they're not so they'll just shed all over yeah and there's a way that they can do it through Instagram comments or Twitter comment hiding yeah hide or an anonymous what's it called the little the message now when they when there's not a picture when it's just the eggshell or whatever they can phone and you can create fake accounts and you can create almost

pull account so yeah it's just some people just have too much time on their damn hands yeah it's just it's sad and that's just that yeah that's fucked up when people just think well that's many voices are not people to yeah well they just feel like it's a free shot look I would have felt the same way if I was 15 if you gave me a fucking Twitter account when I was 15 and I was frustrated at the world I would have said the mean shit to everyone and anyone I could have gotten ahold of Yeah a hundred percent I would have said the

ooh shit you know I feel terrible for kids today I do to that their growth and their development is going to you know it's going to be permanent record yeah there's a there is a really good ad for God what was it for it was a cell phone at in and talks to a mother it talks to three generations of people and they talk you know the grandpa what was it like when you were a kid he's like oh I went outside we caught fish I remember getting chased by a bear and throwing a fish down just so you know and then I ran out of fish because the bear kept eating them but I gotta

way they talk to the daughter and she was like oh we built forts when we were kids in there and talk to the kids it's like what's your best thing about being a kids like I played video games and I talk I check emails it's like mmm and they show the videos to the grandparents and the parents and they're just like the socks well friend of mine works at Disneyland and he said they're having a really hard time recruiting young people that know how to communicate what does that mean like they don't know how to communicate with people their stunted because they spend so much time tweeting to each

each other and text messaging each other that talking to strangers they haven't developed these common courtesy skills and just the ability to talk to people and actually be curious and that they have to tell them put your fucking phone down oh yeah they're on their phone they check their phone like every 5-10 minutes so just addicted to checking their phone and they're addicted to this weird little dopamine Rush that you get from looking at your man what is it with that someone talk about me like what's going on you know what's really fucking weird is that there's a new there's a new way that that younger people are

getting in touch with each other is that they will take a picture of themselves and then they'll put a text like what's up and then someone will tax back with the picture now much you what so yeah that makes sense so they'll actually just so it's like say if you and I are talking on the phone it's like I'll take I'll take a selfie CH I'll be like hey what's up to you so it's not just the taxes text with a photo yes that's a new face photo with a message like a Snapchat or Instagram like what's going on do you have friends

is that they send you or they rather call you FaceTime just out of the blue yes and I don't answer them mmm I hate that that's a new thing it's so weird people are doing that you know what's even weirder is looking at somebody crossing the street or something and they're just like yeah so I don't know my favorite is I have a friend of mine who's my neighbor as well and he was he was dying it's fixed timing he was FaceTiming on Instagram promoting his brothers his brother has

as a not a club but it's like a social experience based trying to promote it or whatever and he was like yeah go check this out and the sky on a skateboard Grows Right by him he's like and he was like okay that happened and that that's not all heroes wear capes you know I can't feel my face and I hate people who Face Time on planes and in airports yeah that's weird right it's loud and you're talking to the other person loudly hmm put your headphones on

you savage fucking animal it's wrong with you yeah it blows my mind but the FaceTime thing is seems like it's within the last year or two guys start just FaceTiming me out of nowhere FaceTiming you yes my friends know and you answer it sometimes I come how do you feel a rappers robbers on the FaceTime makes sense yeah they love it they like FaceTime just want to see where you're at I just think it's just more fun way of doing or something I read in a group FaceTime what stop it

it happened on acts in a group text you can accidentally hit make this a FaceTime call and it will call everyone in the group text well I would want it when everyone answers it's kind of interesting because everyone's like what the fuck see what seven people are all doing it once it must be an emergency well you would have to have an iPhone Max for that yeah the New Orleans big ones you want the big one you want those small phone for that I switched over the small phone so I look at it last that's how stupid I am oh yeah like if I have a small phone I'll look at it last the new Samsung the little flip

then they announced that yeah no Super Bowl they not some new one that's got a 7 inch screen what by default God damn it's like seven point one inches I think they said what is the note hundred mega pixel camera oh God in a hundred times a hundred eight megapixel maybe where we get to see each other's pores now is that what he's him on it nostril hairs want to say that the eyelash lice that you're carrying yeah crazy phone Samsung is always raising the I mean they have to keep up like in order to jump people off of the Apple tit they

have to make sure that they really provide something exceptional I know you know I'm so glad that guy was barking about the Apple keyboards the other day I was typing last night on my Lenovo ThinkPad which is my preferred method of writing it's so much better because I have a Macbook the new one too they look well we fix the keyboard no you didn't really fix it you didn't fix it for a writer it's I can write on and I have written we have a pen and it just kind of know you're right was the keyboard

got your board blows it just sucks it's not good the keyboard and lenovo's like effortless it's so much better as a little push to it the little Keys have like a little C shape to them so it's a little dimple your fit fits your finger fits in perfectly thing Goldfinger nipples yes and you just you just gently caressed the keys they Tut has named Tai Chi wacky taika waititi what TT yeah Savage love handles month what does he do he just he was the director of Georgia rabbit he just wouldn't

for best original screenplay I heard Joe's Arab it's hilarious it's fun it's really good he's just a cool guy he's the first indigenous person to win an Oscar where's he from I think Australia up oh good for him yeah he's right though about those shitty fucking keyboards yeah Jamie sent it to me immediately and I was like yes yes did you say gasps yes that's the Writers Guild to take it up with like fucking Apple because it's causing people pain much he hates the apple board I don't think it's really causing people pain me suck it up bro he's joking a little bit but it's not good the

I'm lenovo's are so much better Lenovo ThinkPad 's if you want to Lenovo ThinkPad what does it look like I'll show you oh yeah ThinkPad get to the ThinkPad X1 Carbon that's what I have here this is the shit it weighs nothing it weighs nothing is beautiful it folds completely flat it's so Superior the thing is that it's just like if you're caught in the Apple ecosystem right which by the way Windows 10 is not bad it's excellent it doesn't fuck it's never crashed on me I've had a Lenovo keep

I've had three different thinkpads now for the last three years and they haven't crashed on me once that looks sharp it's fucking so those keys are magical man your fingers just Glide over those keys you make so many less mistakes so many less so many less so mate so much fewer mistakes much fewer mistake look at look at all the stars it has 4.6 stars in fucking twats get your shit together Apple it's just a it is n by the way you can also get

in a touchscreen what yeah I did it Superior laptop if you write if you like like for me I like to come home from the store I spark a join up and when I'm you know everyone in my house is asleep all my kids are asleep my wife's asleep that's when I get my writing done it yeah and that thing is a breeze man I just my fingers just Collide over those keys and I like I brought my my MacBook on the road and I was riding on that on my dog shit that's so interesting Paris I can't write on my MacBook

because it's just too hard and then I find myself writing on my phone but I want something hmm like you said sleeker souter it's aiways Market join not some Sade yes yeah and he talking to her she's around she's like the McRib every now and then she'll come back and I think sometimes people just get tired of all the fucking lights like the all black and shit you know I do that man I love to just

chill out everyone thinks I'm always just like party animal like all I'm like no I'll wake up and be like Alexa put on some 1930s Jazz and I'll just Alexa will do that oh yeah like step 1930s Jazz very specific yeah what is will see redo that yeah huh we'll see redo that yeah oh yeah it's just like yeah hey Siri play some 1930s jazz

here we go

here's some 1930s Jazz worship the devil oh my God Siri

thatís not night that's not no that's what Tom Hanks son listens to

is that scent is that now is Jesse no that's definitely some steel dreary you don't know what the fuck 1930s jazz is do

oh see

but it does work

hey Siri play some John Coltrane

here we go if it's the same song yeah hmm that's 93 muscles that's legit that's what shit put my simmer down light an incense the best light that lighter get that spoon out prepare the heroin mmm black tar only the best is that the best allegedly have you ever tried are oh no oh I don't know why guilty you God yeah you know I have not tried heroin have you tried cocaine

yes how dare you I have Yang coked-up a - treats choked up right around like a maniac anymore how come what happened because you don't know what that shit's cut with anymore that's true and that that I saw some video in there like that do it one more time and we'll kill you I'm like nope fentanyl yeah uh-huh well I had a guy in here what was the guy's name Ben was it Ben Westhoff the writer who fentanyl wrote that book on fentanyl he used to be a

he was a journalist who used to write for La weekly then let's not link yes pencil ink and he said they were reviewing all these Raves where people are dying and like they're dying from MDMA and like it's like it didn't make any sense so they did some tests they found it's not really fentanyl or it's not really MDMA they're dying from its MDMA cut with fence and yeah and plus they're not hydrating themselves because that you sweat because those people will just what it is I'll just Rave until their heart explodes probably some of that too yeah it's probably a

those but a lot of it is just overdoses fentanyl because they're cutting it no it's like trust drugs anymore that's why drugs should be legal you know that's one of the mayor Pete things he had this weird conversation with one of the journalists were there he was talking about decriminalizing drugs and the guy was like would you you so you would say heroin would be legal and he goes no wouldn't be legal it goes well that's what decriminalizing is like this is weird conversation where they're trying to work out the legal Logistics of what's decriminalized and what's not but it's

sounds totally counterproductive that if you wanted to have a healthy happy Society you'd make cocaine and heroin legal right but the problem is if it's not legal then people going to get it anyway and they going to get it from the fucking cartels and you're going to get it it's going to be spiked I don't want anybody to do heroin I don't want anybody to Coke I don't want anybody do any of those drugs but the only way you're going to give them pure versions of that drug is to make sure that it's actually from a reputable Source mmm reputable yes a reputable it's a weird way of saying it right away

tomorrow no I'm too beautiful I've done I said repeat that was like weird people let's say nuclear nuclear nuclear so nuclear nuclear that I've done ice that was one thing is I've done it so I think it's math yeah how was that good times awful how long you stay awake oh all night shit I was like I think I was 22 and like a friend of mine at the time I guess was

oh hey we're gonna smoke this out of a lightbulb of my cookies Bock right yeah I don't know why how do you smoke it out of a lightning just it's like a it's like the end of it was cut off and you just light it underneath it's like a good one cut a lightbulb fucking know I like I oh man I did that and I just remember going to a bar and just talking the fucking bartenders ear off just not just non-stop I remember going

home and then I remember being like 3 o'clock in the morning I'm like you know what sounds good I'm gonna move all my furniture around I was just like my neighbors were probably like you fucking asshole and then I remember going to bed finally it like 6 o'clock in the morning and it was the worst feeling I've ever experienced in my life like my body just felt broken rotted all right is yeah just is corroded wearin she's coming out of somewhere

well because the point price once you do it you're addicted so it was like really I was yeah it was like right when it ended is when my body was like you need more you're going through withdrawals so I would I would one time one time that's all it takes really hmm and then I literally sat in my room and just shook it all out and sweated and I remember making a vow to myself I was like I'm never doing this again until and then finally it was like someone ask me they're like have you ever I was like yeah

never done math I mean I've done ice in there like that's what that is you dumb fuck I was like oh man I mean it was not not pleasant and you see how quickly people can become addicted to that one time once you're addicted all it takes wow so at the end of it you're like oh my God I'm so wrecked I just need a little to get me over and then next thing you know you're doing a little all the time that's exactly where that are all by the way yeah that's what Adderall is just a very slow release I think that's what Xanax is I think that's what might get in its you don't think different

what kinds of drugs they're not and feta meanwhile right the amphetamines are a real issue before people that seek productivity yeah right that's why you're trying to clean your house and organize and stuff it's just like Mom oh man that was Brutus what happens with Housewives they want they want a real house clients of no real ones real actual actual house while I want to organize LA Housewives the ticket take a fucking Adderall just start put it in a smoothie putting all their books on the shelves and alphabetical order and that kind of shit just listen to a podcast calm

no it's put your podcasts on do both good both the same time with about plug-in it just this it what I multitask so specifically when I multitask get the old but wrecker that's a good brand a buddy of mine who used to date a girl that like to do speed he said they're the best girls to have anal sex with because they never eat so they never shit and I was like I didn't need to know that and that is honesty he's like you never

eats is not going on down there because there's nothing worse than getting a getting an oil slick whoo absolutely not fun yeah that's what I mean that's what it's over there's no coming back from that some people can come back right no some people on Ice yeah they're all like that smell you bitch yeah who is my dipstick yeah whoo yeah you have to plan that right you two you have to do it correctly every time your food intake

she don't drink too much coffee mmm it's a lot going on there lot going on but if you find the one who can do it right the one that's the one area where the the good Lord has done a disservice to gay folks haven't given them a lot of options yeah yeah I mean I don't it's good not to I can't I don't I don't trust my but yeah honestly I don't it's like shouldn't it's like I don't trust my but I do not trust well I don't want anything

hang in there good move I don't want I feel like it's like I feel like there's an octopus beak that comes out and I'll just snap I feel like it's the sarlacc pit That Boba Fett fell into in Star Wars I don't trust my but I don't if you try to put anything in there I'm just like yes just hung up nope just do a lot of squats the way nobody will want to just too tight just that's not but those that's kind of hot though big legs are hot yeah but not too big

your butt is so tight then like literally it clamps down you know like people get sleep apnea like football players do because their neck is so big like the kites oh that's off the air pipe that's real yeah there's so much muscle in the neck then when they lay back like they they choked to death like football players have choked to death falling asleep she sleep apnea inches from giant necks you know your butthole makes sense but then dudes with little dicks would seek you out like haha

behold I found a place where I can beat up gotten worse than a small dick no Sam well yeah but but is that that's a weird thing if you okay that's like gay guys even though there were you don't want it in your but you still want a big one

yeah right I mean I get it but I don't get it I do get it it's like genetics do you want small tits I don't mind see I don't mind either but I think a lot of people in the in the I mean what wait hold straight community and the straight A lot of people would like let me speak for the strike me they'll take whatever they can we speak for my people huh what for it would they like is buts girls have big butts yes why is that it's because it's jeans it's like the jeans are signaling the

this is a healthy woman who will give birth easily oh it's the old medieval hip trick it's all she can it is all sure labored manymoon children like shit why does someone want someone with perfect features was because you want someone with great genetics like just there's a bunch of things that are favored right like height tall men are favored strong men are favored genetics big dicks mating yeah that's all it is it's all like jeans so like if you see Anna

well jeans if you see like a Kendall Jenner who right who's not like her sisters she has not what happened because she wants to model so she can do she can't have she can't feel her ass up with like silicone and so I thought you were talking about like facial surgery is that Kylie and Kendall which one had her whole my god let's play a game called name the Kardashian with Joe Rogan kettles the model candles the youngest will like there's Kylie and Kendall those are which 100 face changed Kylie okay so this is the I mean which one

but kind of Kylie Kylie did but Kendall's the one who kind of kept herself normal not normal to want to say that but filler but up but she didn't feel her butt up she's a model she's doing Fashion Week she's yeah that's okay so the one oh my God I came which ones which Kendall's on the left Kylie's on the right okay so see how the ones on the left is natural in the one on the right the one she had her face fixed yeah so Kyle he's like the billionaire who's you know selling makeup and tits and ass and those fake boobs yeah good Lord the Kendall I mean so

Kendall has real ones Kendall has I mean those are normal those are normal the ones next to those are balloons so which which one is more attractive to you depends on how horny you are and how drunk you are interesting and who's interested that is a good Factor whoever's who's interested yeah I was getting bored easy a nice and drunk I bet you have yeah I bet both at the same time huh oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah well the store to I've done it try it try it try it g pink

of the pick them out of the audience just like you genes are strange man they are weird huh what attracts people to others when there's a lot of factors right like mean people are very unattractive right boring people are very unattractive stupid people are very unattractive there's a lot of factors but then then it gets down to like animal stuff like shapes shapes of bodies size of hogs right

right size of ha size of the hog I think they're at Coachella this year that's the name of the band so I get it that it was like a oh well I think yeah I think I think everybody and that's always been fascinating to me as when you see like the study of the Law of Attraction where it's like you see something you like how your pupils dilate and how you how you kind of like pheromones and weird shit I got a cologne God I can't remember what the know it was called so that's your boss long huh okay

what about wondering what who fucks buying cologne

me and cleanse you have in your house I probably have about like 10 whoa yeah connoisseur yeah do you have like different like tonight is the night yeah I pull it out of the Vault no not this one now what I signed up for sent bird with that it says sent bird is the cologne they send you a different cologne every month it's a cologne Club it's like Dollar Shave Club it's a

it's like 1495 you get a little vial of cologne Christ hey I've been with them for two three or sent burn oh my God but I do it every every year I'll do I'll have my January through my December smells you have different itself on different time get the fuck out okay well that's a wrap you have different smells four different times of the year yeah I got my spring I got my summer I got my fall and I got I got a little spicy at the end of the year that allows you get some

I see towards the fall in the winter time yeah we like a pumpkin Eastern of his home and know just like Micah Dolce & Gabbana a little dragon bone a little bit of yeah and they have them all on there and they're nice have you I've always smelled good okay I like people like Tammy smell good I'm like fuck yeah you're right you put like a tiny bit tiny bit just a touch just that's it but you have 10 yeah so and they keep sending you more are you worried you're gonna run out of space I'm gonna come on

Jason panting oh God fucking house is filled with he's like when he's wallowing in his own filth no I have I have usually I'll use for the month I'll use that as my month and then you know if I don't use them I'll save them but there is evil there is a cologne that I had it was called sexual sexual is that even a word or is it just some asshole some asshole but let's just go ahead and get this is how you say like when people would say in Spanish can you tell me where rho is the restaurant oh

oh yeah actually sexual out but it had pheromones in it sure it did So what had pheromones in it and every time I would wear it women would be like mmm hey yeah good as they probably took some fat guy and made him run on a treadmill then they dripped his fucking underwear in each bottle it's just oh Dipper cry sir yes yes I didn't call you fat Burt Justin Martin Dale does it all the time I don't know fast fat no he's not he's thick with to so he's just Google bird is not you'll find

I know but that's mean he's thick Tom and Bert we call each other fat the bear came to each other what is it that the yeah but there's one Cave Bears yeah that's a chance a gay term tell them she tell them that they should know they probably because they are native to stun have to change the Bears won cave they're both bears in the gay community those are bears so they didn't get the joke then get the reference they know they should are they technically Bears you have to be kind of little buff to be a bear no no no just

Harry yeah in fat I don't know what you are well I know you're not a bear and you're not huh a champ no yeah what is Joe Rogan and the gay community mmm-hmm that's I think that's why we I don't have a thing either good graduation I used to be a twink and now I'm not and now I went I don't come on Harry what changed I grew up Jill yeah like real mature I fell down and she would gay folks right as you get older see older guys that are

great can get hose oh absolutely gold diggers yeah yeah I love a good old ho I know some dudes who are just really old and they have young hot girlfriends or wives oh yeah it's hilarious because they got that job yeah but then that doesn't work guys does it yeah it does for twinks right it does for young gays the younger there's definitely some where I've been like this guy's like 85 years old it's like

it's a 19 year old oh yeah like yeah oh yeah but that's okay in the gay community whereas that's disgusting in the straight Community if you see an 80 year old guy with an 18 year old girl you want to beat him to death you piece of shit but if you see an 80 year old gay guy with an 18 year old boy like you know found himself a fella yeah but okay you also can look and be like that'll do pig but you know also the other way if you find 80 year old lady just got a 24 year old boyfriend while yeah go girl go bad you go good for her good for her

nobody's mad at her yeah if anything you're mad at the guy for like playing that old lady and getting her to buy you a Corvette see that's how I feel about Britney Spears right now really that's going on with her she's kind of going through a thing what does her thing she's just you know she's in a concert what's it called a conservation or ship conservatorship why I don't know servitor conservative like her dad's in charge of her and she's like almost 40 right then she's yeah she's got like mental shit going on if you look at her Instagram she's just walking down

I'm just flipping her hair go to Instagram ah Jesus here we go with Brittany I love you came up I thought you were going to this but oh wait what I've heard we didn't get there but I knew this was what I was having a conversation with Bill Maher because we talked about this why I said she's hot and Bill Maher said what are you talking about and then my wife gave me a ton of shit for saying that Britney Spears is hot she's like what the fuck is wrong with you she is she's you know there's a whole thing saying you know hashtag save Brittany because they just feel like she's not in control of anything in her life

finny more like her dad owns everything it's she can't drive she can't do right but don't do anything is a reason for that well it wasn't me so she whoa doesn't cracked out yeah but she has like this hot 24 year old boy who put that photo out she did let me see that for somebody did oh my gosh look GoGo larger that picture bro look at those she looks completely insane was she taking her pants off she's got tattoos right now sure pussy well I mean who doesn't me and we can't wait for spring

what that's her that's her cat all the Emojis yeah every Emoji she's got like a shoe and eggplant and look at that one what's going on what's going on with this one yeah just point twenty I will be doing a lot more of a so yoga let me hear this please

chest and I'm out here with my dogs and we're going to have a beautiful day you just killed my fantasies yeah she looks like a 70 year old lady

what what is this what's going on there's acroyoga

she just does that she looks crazy to walk through her house and she does these little fashion shows where she'll put on like her outfits and just spin around and you're just kind of like what and now doesn't she do a residency in Vegas that she did was she doing now she canceled her residency like days before it was supposed to open at friends of mine who are supposed to dance in her and her her second residency that she was doing days before they cancelled it because that was the whole thing like her dad said no apparently like her dad even slapped

our kids in front like Wiley fucked up you know this is true or you just no no this is all real it's I mean it sounds are no no it's out there it's out there it's out there it's real it's real yeah she does look cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs yeah and so now you know everyone wants her to like everyone's rooting for and everything and it's just everyone they are we're rooting for Britney Spears what's going on here she's in Hawaii it's my birthday bitches how old is she she's probably

he ate his bowling with having her but where to go

that she's gonna spoil a strike yay no it's so sad but where was I going with this oh yeah she has like this hot 24 year old good boyfriend good I hope she buys him a cause that hits yeah look at this guy I'm sorry he's a moose so handsome fella he's an elk what's going on around his neck was on a neck pillow for airplane this is just where that everywhere probably excuse you have to take precautions yeah if he gets straight up and have sleep apnea uses his head on that

neck pillow God he's I mean and that tree come on she does look like she's out of her fucking mind yeah so Bill Maher was right I'm sorry Bill yeah

that that one where she's doing the aqua yoga that that was sad yeah that's that there's a lot of them where you're just seems crazy I know I mean yeah it's just a lot of head flips and then I yeah yeah well she's probably insane wasn't she like 16-inch made it I mean that's the story of Hollywood you know it's like you start out at like 6:00 pump you full of pills and then you know who's all right kind of sort of who Macaulay Culkin he's on the cover of a what's it called this and March fitna of hey Fair they just

we set this morning Esquire he looks good she cute something like that sports like us we're going uphill yeah he's doing well bears in caves bears in case he he's in here bone Ileana we had a real good conversation yeah enjoy his company he's yeah he's a nice guy and he realizes Macaulay Culkin is not like you the 39 year old yeah Esquire that's what it is Esquires aspires March 20 20 cover boy has been covered in it longer than he's he's an interesting guy he really is I think so

he's gone he knows he's gone through something that you're not supposed to go through like he knows he knows that he did something I was supposed to do he developed as a human being really young and in a gigantic population of people like everyone knew who he was yeah he's hugely famous when he was a little boy and that's not good for anybody well and people would see them on the streets and be like do the thing to the thing I'm sure I'm sure he still gets that and you can't say no they get fucking Maddie they want to kick you yeah

but Britney Spears man like she's I know when did she make it how old was she was she made it is in 1999 was her first steps on that Mickey Mouse Club she was in The Mickey Mouse Club Justin Timberlake obviously she's a she's double triple fuck yeah she's fucked she looks crazy she's probably pilled up probably got her all kinds of stuff she had a show with her husband at the time called got chaotic with Kevin Federline they followed her around and she was like gacked out of her mind

and he's one of those gold diggers on the male side we only have to him and Tom Arnold the girl ones have made it those we got to up on the board there are so many women who have made so much money off man and divorces and only two men that I know of that a really scored I would well who else someone else yes Anna Nicole Smith's oh really I think so yeah Kevin federline's all fat now

he's got a giant belly just takes care of the kids

he's got custody to which is not a good sign you know when the X has custody and he's it's a guy that usually means you're a fuckup yeah or you've got some issues mentally so it's like a maid that's what happens when you don't like kids yeah okay but you can have them that's what happens here is a Ferrari it happen to Whitney Houston happen to Michael Jackson happen Prince happen to Amy Winehouse have Jackson those are not as kids oh no yeah we don't mean all you mean going crazy yeah sorry it's like you go you go down that route you start taking fentanyl well I don't think

anybody supposed to be famous and I think being famous is probably one of the weirdest fucking things that can happen to a human being and I think that as it's happening to you your reality distorts in a way that you're not you don't have normal interactions anymore and so then your foundation of who you are as a person deteriorates now if you grow up that way it's even stranger because then your foundation never existed you never had a foundation you are always in this weird strange

as world and then often times it goes away like remember when Gary Coleman was a security guard and people would show up at his job in mock him I was just trying to get enough money to eat what's like that literally I mean when you're working as a security guard you're getting what $15 an hour if you're lucky you're just trying to eat that's all you're trying to do it's like that guy from Trader Joe's who is on like The Cosby Show yeah what's wrong with a guy got to make a living and they're like look how gross he is like know what do you do that to everybody that's had the fucking Trader Joe's know you say hi say hi

bag your groceries and it's fine but it's almost worse to have been someone and then not be someone than it is to have never know it is worse in people's eyes but it's that same thing it's like when people look at you when you're on television and go like oh fuck him you know like what they were saying like when people take shots at you like fuck him he's on TV I'll fucking take shots at him but then when you're not anymore and then you have a regular job then it's like they have an extra desire to shit oh yeah those same kind of P power

our yes it's outros now they're doing business or real power yeah yeah down there doing better than you I'm my own house if you fucking loser in your apartment ATM card I got everything yeah you ain't got shit you used to be on TV that went away I bought a round of drinks I had a guy shit on me once it was where he was working at the bar owner is not really behind the counter at a CVS and I couldn't figure out what he was trying to do but he's being rude to me the CVS he's like it goes hey you're that guy from that show

I go yep think it was what happened to that show huh I'm going to What Fear Factor I go we think happened it was I don't know you tell me what happened to that show something mean to me I go it got canceled it's again I'm like bro you work at fucking CVS yeah little Alex what are you doing this is Fear Factor yeah I didn't go after him I was like this is so ridiculous I was like this is I was he was lucky I was high I was like this is so weird because he was he was literally trying to insult me

you know not realizing that I had done things since I'm okay but to him I'm not on TV anymore so I must be a fucking loser so he's trying to make me feel bad what happened to that show em what happened what happened I wish I could tell you but it was like a weird like I didn't do anything you man I just came here to buy gum or whatever the fuck I'm buying yeah could I have my mile-long receipt shut up already why are you being weird with me but he was just a dick behind the counter dick like yeah hey used to be on TV not anymore btcd

the counter dick doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo people are weird with with people that are successful you know that that does a thing where they don't look that in general people don't look to people that are doing well as inspiration they look at them with Envy because yeah natural human instinct and it's that attack and that's where we're at now with like cancel culture and stuff it's like oh we want to see somebody stumble or fall because if we do we can drag them down and then we'll get you know and if we

see that and if we post it then we'll get all the likes and the favorites and the retweets look what I found look what I did look like discover yeah fuck him yeah fuck him yeah but they don't realize oh that's just going to come back around to get them it's gonna come back and bite him in the ass I'll compete with a side of jalapenos it feels bad it just feels bad even when you're doing it you think you're gonna like if you say means shit to people that you don't even know I can't feel good it seems like it would fit

feel good but it does feel good it's going to come back around on you yeah it's a weird way you know giving people the access to things like social media it's a weird way to communicate and it's not natural and so many people use and abuse it so many kids using it oh my God that's what's terrifying old people being mean to you on your Instagram if you could find out what the median age and who these people are and what their life was like you probably like oh I'm going to feel bad yeah you're fucking 12 at we're your parents and your a 50 year old loser

ER and you know where are your parents yeah I do your parents even know you have an Instagram account you little fuck I mean I've had I've had instances where you know when we started the show on Snapchat because Snapchat I guess used to be like for new dwells year olds but like see it one time and then it would go away it would go away so you could be like here's my deck and you're like oh and then it goes away but doesn't go away just screenshot it well but there was some times where I was like you know

I had to like call and be like hey no no I had like a girl who would had a dildo and was like using it on herself and you to call them and say don't know I had to call I had to call like whoever was in charge of the show is like hey like because it was snapshot of just come out and I didn't know what the hell I'm like I'm not the demographic of Snapchat but I was just kind of I felt bad because I was like clearly the girl didn't know it showed that was like huh

not know well I don't know it was you she did know if that's how she drums up customer that it was just it was just I mean it was fucking disturbing was it oh yes going hard in the paint oh yeah but it was just like uh like where's her parents like why would you oh I 50 hmm where's your parents there Dad yeah and this her my chili mantle no she's out for this beer bottle she was young

oh yeah a lot of people are bad parents bro they do a terrible job everything you'd adopt kids no good for you look at you like a quick yeah no no it's not my thing not even a cat right now I'd have a that have a cat may be a cat no kids for me those you could leave town for a weekend with a catch sleeve a lot of water and a lot of food 9lives yeah I don't think they're just flexible yeah you can store on that body fat you know get a big fake so where are you doing this this tour and where can people

find out about if they want to come see you actually I'm doing a tour with Jim Jefferies so I'm doing his oblivious tour so check the dates I just did a Yeah Yeah we actually just came back from Houston and New Orleans and he had to go do that show oh really I was one downtown was like when Kobe died yesterday all day of yeah really bummed about that it was really weird we actually took off and the plane and we all got our CNN notifications and

we all just sat there like oh shit like what yeah it was pretty brutal I found out about it from Bert Bert we're we have a group text going on hmm Bart told me it was pretty pretty early I was like and I just remember him being like oh man I gotta get the fuck down town it's gonna be crazy and it's like yeah it was yeah it was so I'm doing that with him all year and then yeah I got the show coming out on E and March it's called the funny dance show now that's the dance-off thing yeah yeah Scott

it's dancing off for ten thousand dollars for a charity of their choice and on the judge Loni Love Is On as a judge and Allison holker who is a dancers and they pick the song that the practice of the practicing have to practice for like a week oh Christ and then so we got like Ron funches on it yeah we got like Ron funches we've run funch is the most positive comedian available is that Nas he's no he's great he's like cultivating being

nice I know positive I know really appreciate it has podcast that that he does and it just felt like the warmest hug afterwards I needed this in my soul that's what he's like I know he's genuinely like that yeah he's such a nice guy we've kind of like cultivate yeah we have Fortune Brad Williams I mean it's a cool like I love Brad Williams too but I mean yeah sad to say I love fortune yeah she's great I don't want to leave Brad out well I love Brad week I mean

it's got to be really really fun and then yeah I mean you could find me on Instagram at Justin Martindale beautiful easy all right don't find me on Twitter as well motherfucker rocket yeah let's do it you are you blocking people's well I need to start though she'd be yeah well I'll just mute them I know I'm just talking to the void that is fun just Shari scream into the Vortex

why are you ignoring me I'll see you in hell the best thing to say to someone alright buddy thank you ma'am thank you my brother pleasure is always yes you this week no I'll be in Vegas oh shit yeah you know gamble your life one probably okay Justin Martin dell.com Justin Martin Dylan Twitter Instagram just Martindale on Twitter just Martindale just trusted Martindale on Instagram okay yeah all right thanks buddy that was fun you got it yay bye everybody

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