#1378 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Nov 6, 2019

Greg Fitzsimmons is a writer and stand-up comedian. He also hosts a podcast with Alison Rosen called “Childish” that is available now on iTunes & Stitcher.

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- app and enter the promo code Rogan that's five dollars off your first order when you download the door - app from the App Store and enter the promo code Rogan don't forget that's promo code Rogan for five dollars off your first order from door - my guest today is one of my best friends I've known him forever we actually started doing comedy together way back in Boston many many moons ago he's awesome he's won Emmys he's got a Showtime comedy special think he's about to record a new one right now

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now know he did record a new one right now shopping it around he's awesome I love him give it up for Greg Fitzsimmons

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The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day Joe Rogan podcast by night all day

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Gregory Joseph sober October is over but we can we were allowed to smoke cigars during silver October for whatever reason but they do get you high they do give you a nice little buzz they do yeah it's weird that that's like thought of as being a sobriety thing that you need is it really I mean if you're smoking people smoke cigarettes when they're sober yeah all those fucking a guys right those guys were always

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these guys are those guys will tell you you can't have a non-alcoholic beer which I do I haven't done a I've even had a drink it'll be fucking 30 years next month that I haven't had a drink didn't you have like one or two when we need I may need I had some Scotch that's a weird one right I had like

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I didn't get drunk but I had like a few shots did you like feel weird about that I've been all those years

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I think I felt so weird about him being dead that the whole thing felt surreal anyway and

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I haven't really haven't had the desire I can't say had can't have desire it's more of just like you feel like there's times where you want to just do what everybody else is doing and just chill out and you see everybody getting more mellow and relaxed and social and especially if I'm in a situation where

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you know it's a bunch of people I don't know that well maybe it's your kids friends parent kind of situation nice glass of wine to take the edge off dude dude but you did the couple glasses of scotch and then you didn't go right back to it not you became a 21 year old drunk Greg again right

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well a lot of us do with my father and he was an alcoholic and I saw

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I saw his depression the I the same depression as he does and I felt I felt like when I drank it wasn't always for fun it was a lot of times it was like dealing with feelings and bullshit like that and so I saw him as an unhappy guy who was unfulfilled in a lot of ways and I saw the alcohol was a big part of why his life wasn't but what it could have been right and I just sort of feel like you know maybe maybe I could drink but maybe I can't

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why the fuck would it know why fuck with it I'll tell you what man I just got done with a whole month of being sober and then I had my first drink this weekend I feel like shit no kidding polish it real had a couple of glasses of wine went to play pool and I was having a hard time focusing on the ball I was like looking at the balls like three glasses of wine yeah that's all takes three glasses of wine I'm having a hard time seeing right it took like because there were things are all just a little off

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it took like an hour for my liver processed it enough where I could play pool well again do you think you just lost your your tolerance tolerance yeah for sure yeah I mean I never never been a big drinker anyway but it was interesting doing sets that's what's always interesting saw like a shot before I go on stage I was like to do a shot of Jack yeah Fargo on say just whoa that's a little wizard for you a little bit of whiskey wow Big Show just one shot yeah

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Yang yeah Brian Regan one shot up of Frozen peppermint schnapps before he goes all right peach schnapps it gives you like this Nick yeah but it's not necessary now you know it's definitely not I mean I did a lot of shows this month Stone Cold soba but it's a little weird though The Human Condition that were born with this set of you know this brain and this disease neurological Pathways and this relationship to the universe and the people around us

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and that we want to whether it's smoking pot or drinking or taking opiates we want to change the natural state of our brain yeah isn't that fucking weird very weird because it's all we talk about all people talk about do what you ask me dude we got fucked up I changed my brain I made myself Dumber all week and I made myself Dumber get a bunch of stupid shit I should have never done it stupid shit yeah because in our Natural State we don't

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do goofy shit enough right but then I learned when I quit drinking that I could be just as crazy people didn't realize I quit I've been hanging out my same friends in the same bars till 4:00 in the morning we'd go to a wedding I'd be the last guy on the dance floor first got on the dance floor and I just was like you know this doesn't have to change me you know yeah you can just enjoy fun he just enjoyed fun it takes a little bit more of

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I think you have to sort of break through walls a little bit more as opposed to just the booze does that for you yeah but you can still get there that's a good way of looking at it the one thing that I found it affects my writing

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marijuana is like steroids for writing oh my goodness really really like oh my goodness yeah yeah just dude this weekend soon as I started getting high again I'm a fucking my notebook full no shit was crazy ideas yeah man half her dog shit for yeah half of them at least 1/2 of 1/2 would be you're doing pretty well it's pretty good right yeah but I got a few that I mean there's something in this there's something in this one definitely something in this one so this is it like after the show you get high and then you write you write or you do it during the day well I

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do any shows this weekend because I was in New York for the UFC and I had some friends that I know what's going to see why I was down there my friend Tommy so I was playing pool with him uh-huh and Hinchcliffe came with me to he plays pool too but I just decided not to call me this weekend I'm like I'm here for the UFC I only get a chance to see Tommy it's like one of my good friends from fucking 25 years ago more 28 years ago maybe yeah I might know him for almost

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thirty years I've known him for fucking ever you know we become old men together yeah but you know we get together and play pool to like two o'clock in the morning I haven't had a chance to do that forever and I don't really get a chance to do it once a year when I see him mmm so I decided not to do any shows but just while we were playing I was getting all these ideas generally I like writing at night when everyone's asleep that's my favorite time to write I like to come home from the store

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and I sit around with the laptop and you just start writing just forced myself to just write for an hour or so just just just right just free form just get it all down yeah have a subject to start I don't try to write like a joke for my try to write like essays and then I try to extract ideas out of those and then turn those into material yeah yeah that's the way to do it it's like it's like I used to do this thing called the writers way which is this great great way to if your it's not just for right

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but just to get your creativity flowing and one of the things you do is you get out of bed in the morning and you don't have your coffee you just take a piss you don't have to take a piss you can shit like if you want to shit you can shit your well do you're allowed to shit okay as a matter of fact I think that probably helps a lot not oh yeah you don't want the what shit inside of you way trying to write well so what better feeling than your anus like re puckered after delivering like that it's just a joke

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dump of lumber is the little halo over the log floating in the water yeah and then you sit down and you write for you write three pages non-stop you don't let the pain stop and then you go about your day and you get out it's amazing what your subconscious will get out when you just keep the pen flowing and like you said a lot of its garbage but within it there's going to be a couple kernels that are good yeah that's how creativity works with me I mean I'm not I'm not a consistent

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not a 500 hitter in terms of creativity yeah if I get half half as amazing half would be made 500 is amazing yeah you know most of its garbage yeah sometimes I go back and just like just gets frustrating reading some shit I wrote yeah what the fuck are you but I know what I'm doing like when I'm writing I'm just trying to see if I could dig something out yeah I'm just like I'm out there with a metal detector did you do yeah today today today

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dude you know you're right some guy just found some fucking incredible ancient treasure using a metal detector really yeah see see if we can find that Jamie so Beach yeah yeah I want to say fuck what era was it from ship right no no that was a different one that was it that was a got yeah that was a crazy one to a guy found a fucking shipwreck that was on the beach that was exposed by a

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storm like a storm came along and it pulled away so much of the sand that a fucking shipwreck was their dad as those guys are walking his dog he's like what the fuck is this this is a boat yeah that's crazy here it is it's what is that three million pounds is that pounds War horde of 6000 gold artifacts from six fifty a d-- uncovered in Staffordshire field using a

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metal to pound metal detector metal detector for two dollars laughs the pounds or Euros what does that one I think that's pretty so from 650 ad so 650 years after Jesus is murdered shit look at that shit look how gorgeous that is still get the fur on the top we're looking at a gold helmet this really intricate carved gold helmet with a fucking like a mohawk a firm Mohawk that's look at the detail I wasn't corroded at all

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on that salt water all those years yeah that's pretty amazing we're Staffordshire was in it said it was in a field

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hmm right this wasn't so this wasn't saltwater oh my god look how beautiful that shit is that's amazing a Scabbard boss I don't even know that what a boss it was a boss a Scabbard boss was that mean which is part of an Anglo-Saxon hoard found by Terry Herbert Terry's ball in right now yeah Terre Haute Terry what did Terry Duty sell it I mean do you keep saying you gotta keep some of it are you alone what happens there sold to museums for 3.28

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five million with the funds were split between them he used metal detector so in the field of farmer Fred Johnson also they split him in Fred split it up

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so they both got a million and a half not bad but it's pounds to dollars it's not the same exact a buck 20 so he's Super Bowl yeah 80% of the items identified were fittings from weapons mostly swords and research believe it's remarkable so many were made from gold wow nine pounds of gold included were 50 incredible rare gold sword pommels as well as parts of a golden helmet

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fucking amen the golden age is period of anglo-saxon England

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literally this was a period when gold was suddenly much more available and was converted into beautiful objects for the warrior Elite wonder why I was more available what makes gold more available to they figure out how to pull it out of the ground or something

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if they hadn't started grabbing it from other countries yet I guess that was their own local gold look at this in the quotation on it look at this collection includes it's believed a battle Shrine with a processional and I don't know what that word means processional cross suggesting Christian emblems were used as good luck charms for battle on it is a quotation from the book of number which reads rise up Lord and let thine enemies be scattered and let them that hate thee

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flee before thee boy yeah when you love to hear people talk back there yeah right like probably was so confusing like Game of Thrones they talk like us but they didn't talk like this yeah they had some weird lingo back with Game of Thrones obviously fake but it's supposed to be a long time ago right he and I'm sure they re sorry I mean everything about that show is so authentic I'm sure they went back and tried to find the way people spoke at that time well not really the right because it's not really about a time it's about a fantasy land well it was I think it was the War of the Roses

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roses it was based on which was I think around the first century wasn't it

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yeah but they got fucking the dark nights and or yeah white Knights or without ya know they mix a lot of it together King but I think there was a point where the where the British empire was divided into whatever it was five or six different oh that's what yeah that we're all fighting for the throne apparently never going to do a prequel now like those guys they were not going to do it they're going to cancel it but they're going to do it now I heard it got cancelled yeah I really got cancelled yeah but there was just something a couple of days ago that said

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they're they're doing a preview hundreds of years before that's about the targaryens that's awesome fuck yeah get back after it you fucks come on Aang and give me anything the thing about that show is they kill everybody so they could always have new people yeah fucking kill everybody remember the Red Wedding holy shit yeah here we go HBO finally issued a statement on the canceled canceled thumbs down

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what what what do they say what's their statement They're bringing back our less so then he space that's why he won an Emmy ladies and gentlemen that's right what is the statement that they have as good a good excuse what could there be a good excuse Peewee soccer we hate money just as they decide not to move forward with this fuck out of here well part of the problem is that who's the guy that wrote all the

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they wrote the books that it was based on and he wrote the first George Martin George Martin wrote all them until they got to the last season at last two seasons and then he ran out of steam and that's why they weren't as good people say that last season wasn't as good as the rest because it was the to show Runners that it did it I thought the last season was excellent up until the last episode last episode was kind of like how do we in this yeah let's meet the guy in the wheelchair King yeah let's make him gay too yeah

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come on man yeah you know yeah they didn't they didn't you know when you think about the last episode of any show is going to get a lot of remember how much shit Seinfeld got for the last episode yes because they didn't do anything and Game of Thrones did the same thing they they punted yeah they didn't go for anything right yeah the beautiful thing about Newsradio is last episodes we didn't know it was our last episode hmm it was the only time we ever thought we were going to get picked up notion that was how many seasons five the ratings were good yeah last

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reason we like them we did pretty good yeah they're like fuck it's over why probably gets filled with dead yeah you know and love it's came back and love it's replaced Phil but how many seasons was that just one yes the final season yeah maybe I mean who knows it was also the problem with the news radio was Newsradio was not owned by NBC okay so it was one of those shows where that we moved at least eight times during the five years we were on the air

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your time slot yeah just always moving and this is before the internet so you couldn't tell people it's not like you could tweet hey Newsradio is gonna be on Monday at 8 o'clock but you don't give a fuck cuz you have a DVR right which is DVR right now whilst you you found it when it was on yeah if you were lucky and they didn't advertise that much you know is like this radio moving to Friday at 8:00 you know it's like it just would move around we moved all over the fuck was it on NBC NBC yeah you ever have a good lead-in sometimes one time we were on the Thursday night

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which was the big night with Seinfeld and friends and we crushed it yeah we were like number two in the world is that how they launched you or that also know I don't remember how we want they launched I don't remember but I remember one time we were on Thursday and everybody was so excited they lie on Thursday will be right after Caroline the shitty yeah this will be used to call it remember Carolina said yeah it was a few of those shows like the single guy like what is this if you want a tan forever because they were owned by someone actually there NBC or someone who had a deal with NBC

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no brothers or whoever it was you know that's the weird thing about like television shows you can last forever if you have a good lead-in and then someone good after you because people just slack-jawed and keep that TV on right that's how it used to be at least now I think that model is kind of out the window now they take that that sweet spot after their number one show and they try to launch something they'll put something they like in there to get it legs and once it's good they try to create that

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at and want that to be the lead in for another show it's like your fuck it's like baseball ranging baseball right well who the fuck would mean like who's watching TV with commercials now like who's sitting there and actually watching TV with commercials like how much time do you have and do you not know that there are so many shows that you could watch that don't have commercials yeah and you just wash those and record that one and then come back and watch him when it doesn't have commercials or fast-forward through the commercials yeah all right just get Hulu yeah I pay $10 a month and

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the history of television from be Pilots I go back and watch pilots on Hulu that's the fucking greatest do the taxi pilot I just watched recently ixia forgot about taxi the taxi pilot was so fucking heartwarming it was all my God it was about Alex Krieger had a daughter that he hadn't seen he was estranged from he was basically like a deadbeat dad and it was about him reconnecting with her and the second half of the

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I sewed was all of them in a fucking New York taxi driving down a Florida so he could meet his daughter nowadays it has to be like all right what's the simplest most basic storyline that lets you you got to get to know each character each relationship to great two or three Great ACT breaks there's so much criteria that go into the structure of it there's no room for anything where's the diversity where the diversity of diversity was the inclusiveness right inclusivity and the message was so harsh

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yeah yeah you can just make a whack well you mean you kind of can Curb Your Enthusiasm is still that HBO yeah but the Network's haven't done much well then that works did cool stuff with like the office 30 Rock was kind of interesting well the dumbest thing in the Network's for sure are the presidential debates the fact that they take these people that are running for the most important job in the fucking known universe and they we're out of time thank you thank you mr. Senator thank you mr. Senator we're out of time thank you Miss congresswoman

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thank you thank you mr. congresswoman you're out of time all right all right you have 80 Seconds to just fucking spill out as many words and get your point across to try to go viral yeah then and the worst part is then you got like the the also-rans that are like on the edge of the they got the last Podium on the left the guys like the mayor of Dayton and he's trying to get Headlines by taking a shot at the real candidate yes which is hurts the Democratic party yep you know she just makes the main guy look bad because he's so

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as they got to winnow down the field or I think couple people just dropped out bait O'Rourke just dropped out shocking yeah I thought that guy has King written all over him at the beginning or at the beginning he never did he but he was this guy that he got hot from running against who do you run against Ted Cruz in Texas Texas of all places he's running against the guy who's a fucking you know arch-conservative and he comes out as his bleeding heart liberal and almost win

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ins and it's like all the sudden Texas is not a red State it's starting to become like a purple State purple's a good word for it well Austin's very weird right Austin is this super Blue Area mmm in a red State yeah but it's also got a lot of cowboys and guns and barbecue yeah it's such a great place fucking gray place is one of the best places on Earth yeah really is and people figured that out to you go there and fucking traffic is absurd yeah you know like what what

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you all here like yeah oh you found out it's awesome there's a there's a great place to shoot pool they're called the Jackalope Jacqueline jack-o'-lanterns Jackalope and it's just like you just go in there and fucking everybody says hi hey you want to shoot a game let me buy you beer exit great fucking music on the jukebox and I love that place yeah it's not well they're a little I mean they're kind of aware that it's supposed to be kind of cool so

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they act a little cool like you know Keep Austin Weird those t-shirts by the way if you wear one of those fucking t-shirts let's Keep Austin Weird t-shirts you're a part of the problem you're not weird you know you're not weird and you're if you're selling them you're a piece of shit you just your fucking it all up you found this spot you're fucking doing those those Hollywood Lights you know when they have a premier yeah there's a spot yeah yeah come ruin it let's make a documentary about why it's cool when I first started going there though man I was just stunned I was like what cool fucking

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these people are educated and aware but also Southern they have a Southern accent of Texas accent but they're also educated and very friendly and open-minded it's a very unique place that great fucking music yeah there yeah I'm playing I'm going to cap cities oh shit one of my favorite clubs it's great the only Club I did this whole year like on the road how no shit really yeah wow that said I'm going there yeah because I was about 4 or 5

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months after my special and I just put together an hour that I could kind of go on the road with yeah you know and I'm like this this is good let's go to Cap City bang out two shows a night walk yeah yeah it's just a great place man it's a fun place like I've had so much fun there like that that club is just it's got fun soaked into the floorboards you know it's like just have fun it's a club where I mean so many great comics of perform there and so they got good taste

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you know he had a curate good shows I mean they get they get all kind all kinds of Comedy like Maria Bamford will be there one week and the next week it'll be fucking Doug Stanhope or something like that it's just you know they're all over the place but it's not downtown though that's the only thing is you got to take a little Uber into town it's about yeah 5 10 minutes out yeah but it's at nighttime it's fine the real problem there is rush hour where they have a real rush hour now yeah they didn't have a real Rush Hour ten years ago yeah ten years ago you could get around Austin was no issue I think

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it's where young kids get out of college now and when they used to go to San Francisco now they go to Austin yeah there's a lot of tech startups yeah there's a lot of the tech business yeah I mean on its there too there's a lot of shit there on it's there yeah on this shit on it on it Jim's there as well hold factories there everything's there yeah

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you got there much not that often ya know maybe once a year now board meetings you have to be at I'm not a blood bank yeah I can picture you in your meeting stoned looking at your watch so jack in your fucking phone checking my Instagram let's see if anybody posted a good Epstein didn't kill himself meme

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fucking have steam man what a story what a story and so now what did they say that it looks like he was Jim Gordon yeah his brother hired a real fucking autopsy guy to check it out including that guy Michael baton from that HBO autopsy show that guy said he was murdered you don't know who dinged I might have dang um remember that show HBO autopsy no it was a great show that was on basically pre-internet

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I would watch these wacky fucking stories of like people that got busted murdering people by this this one really good autopsy corner and this coroner dr. Michael Baden one of the ones I'll never forget he took this one lady who's in love with this lady and she died and see he stole her corpse and had it in his house and put a tube where her vagina was and he'd bought cases and cases of perfume because she was

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adding in his bed and he would just douse her in perfume and keep fucking her

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wow dude and he put a tube in her vagina so that it didn't collapse well he put a tube there so we could fuck the tube he put a fuck hole in this dead lady's body damn yeah oh my god dude and apparently it was like the smell was insane yeah like horrific and this got one of the I think one of the ways they were suspicious like why is this motherfucker buying cases of perfume yeah but he put a mask over her face and you know just like just a fact

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it used to be her yeah was enough all right forget his deal I think I want to say he was a doctor that was and she was a patient of his and he was in love with her huh yeah just some dude just had a fucking major fuse blow but yeah it just goes to show you don't know who it's going to be it's not just some derelict on the street could be your fucking doctor oh snap doctors are just humans man yeah they're just humans and a lot of them have access to drugs because of the fact they're doctors

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there was a book called Dead Doctors Don't Lie and it was a basically the gist of the book was that a lot of people are dealing with mineral deficiencies and that mineral deficiencies were will it's by a guy named dr. Joel Wallach it's a controversial book and his ideas are fairly controversial but they're not controversial in the sense that like in animal husbandry and agriculture animal agriculture people are very aware that you need to supplement the diet of a lot of animals with minerals like for instance like so

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some of the places where I hunt they don't they don't bait animals right these are wild animals that are in these giant ranches but when they have like there's a place in Utah that I go through it's like 270,000 Acres huge place but every you know fucking mile or so they scatter they'll put these mineral licks and it's a mineral licks so that the the deer and the elk get a minerals in their diet because animals like

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desperately need minerals and sometimes they don't get enough of it from their diet and particularly from Foods where the the ground is deficient in minerals like when you like say if you have like if you're growing corn mono crops is what they call Mono crop agriculture you growing corn unlike fucking 700 Acres just growing corn well when they till that land like every year that that land has less minerals like you're not supposed to grow the same

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thing in the same place forever right and the places that are doing it right they do what's called regenerative agriculture and there's a real good argument for it's one of the reasons why you like it's good to raise grass-fed cattle in these areas because the manure from the cattle actually is a great fertilizer it's good and you and also you know scraps from food fish and different things you need nitrate you need

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nitrogen and nitrogen is very difficult to get you know when you want to put it into the ground for fertilizer and all these other different minerals phosphorus yeah all kinds of shit do you like you have to add that stuff to the soil now yeah because the top soil has been slowly eroded from continuous over farming and that his contention was that most of us when we even if you're eating like you know vegetables and you know you getting stuff at the grocery store you're getting things that are minerally deficient they're not optimally

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mineralized that's word don't think that uh but there's not like so I take colloidal minerals it's just a liquid form of minerals like minerals that come from there's a type of water that's like a very rich in mineral water that it's called glacial milk and basically what it is is the runoff from glaciers that it carries it incredible amount of minerals in it to the point where the water actually kind of looks kind of Milky

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and you can get that in some places some places on Earth people their water actually looks like that because it's got so many minerals in it yeah and these people have like dark hair and the you know there's health benefits are attributed to that right I'm not smart enough to know whether or not that's accurate but there's definitely some benefits and health benefit to taking minerals right people go to mineral spas I mean it was always the that was the miracle e alack sir yes sir yeah do you take any minerals for taking me here

► 00:35:54

exactly she'll milk yeah freshwater meets glacial milk and Iceland look at that that crazy damn so that's tough on the rise just fucking overwhelmingly packed with minerals say just bottle that Shin I think you know you probably could get too many minerals to I mean there's always liked the balance what is it what is it good intake like I don't take shit I think sometimes I take vitamin D vitamin D is good especially for a white fella like yourself you know

► 00:36:24

not getting enough sun right right that's why I take it and that's it 63 that's all I take D 3 is very good I take BR take Dr take I take multivitamins I take what this call it's a company called Pure pure encapsulations and they have a athlete pure pack is very nice because it's real simple we'll pack it I take not a sponsor take this packet just bring them with me on the road open it up and just take those

► 00:36:54

it's just and then I also take there's a there's a company called athletic greens and they make a really good supplement that I pour into water and it's very easy and it's got a bunch of different shit vitamins and minerals that is a sponsor yeah that's good that's good too because it's Whole Food based it's not there's nothing synthesized it's all based on food but I think you have you really should take something you know I mean it's so hard to make sure that you're getting all the vitamins that you need

► 00:37:24

from your food especially when you go on the road yeah on the road it's you know unless you know you're getting a you eating a really good organic restaurant we getting high quality vegetables high quality meat right it's hard hotels have gotten a lot better man in our lifetime Hotel food used to be garbage how about airport airport from the airport Foods gotten gray better got Lemonade's in there yeah you can get real food at the airport yeah yeah that's a that's a big issue man it's a big issue for people to go on the road because you know Ian

► 00:37:54

I'd like three four days in a row to eating fucking Jack-in-the-Box you start feeling like shit oh yeah and then if you're I mean Comedy Club food in 50 years has not gotten any better it's deep fried chicken wings and accept comedy magic club comedy magic Sky could Club food give you a fucking serious restaurants take their you could go there and eat a little jit excellent dinner now what am I saying yeah I've had plenty of dinners they're very great they do have good five houses good burgers to yeah

► 00:38:24

this house is very good burger uh-huh but comedy magic club probably tops and you know it's good to is hilarities in Cleveland they got the Pickwick and Frolic restaurant upstairs yes I was just a good restaurant I was just there really yeah we went to see Jesse met me and said Santino Jessie Mae was playing at hilarities and we were over at we were at this Arena so we came down and saw Jessie Mae and I had a prime rib was fucking Gates good right very good very good nick Costas got food poisoning no

► 00:38:54

oh boy yes he did have we don't know where you got it I'm assuming it was the vegetables I mean that's a lot of times when people get it you get it from things that aren't washed properly it's it out like they say that a large percentage of food poisoning cases are salad yeah I can see that yes handled wrong not washed correctly yeah you know a lot of people when they get E coli that get it from salad because of the runoff from animal agriculture runoff from the shit

► 00:39:23

it animal shit gets in the water the water gets into this the lettuce or the spinach is a big one Spanish a lot of people get a cool that's why if you go to a third world country you don't trust the water stay away from the salad oh yes the first thing you say is don't eat lettuce in a third world country good point yeah right like meat is meat right as long as it's seared on the outside you're golden oh yeah look at Anthony Bar Dan would he would just go to fucking Vietnam and go to a street meat shop with his no running water and he just gobble down some fucking whatever meat you know

► 00:39:54

meet it was well they used to drink wine when people would travel to prevent Travelers illness hmm because they didn't want to drink water because if you drank walk like you found up fucking upon somewhere and you try to suck some water out of it yeah like back then it wasn't a lot you mean you had to boil it that's it yeah you know nowadays you can get they have a bunch of different things you could do to water if you find it like you could take water out of a fucking El cual oh you know an elk wallowing now

► 00:40:23

it's like a puddle that elk piss in and they wallow around it and they get their scent on it they especially when they're running when they're having sex with the female elk they get in there and they piss all over the water and they roll around in it and so you get this muddy puddle and sometimes hikers like if you're on some serious fucking Trek you know you doing like the Appalachian Trail or something like that yeah water-scarce you can't find a creek you got to take the water out of an elk wallow a French friends have done that and you throw it through

► 00:40:54

filters if they do is they'll take it and they'll throw it through filters they'll put it through a biological filter first so the is like a filter that's like a pump but the problem is with those those pumps can get clogged up because they're basically taking the sediment and they and then they're filtering it out and then you get the water afterwards it still tastes like piss yeah because there's piss in it you're drinking piss you're just drinking piss it's not contaminated with something they can kill you so then a lot of times

► 00:41:23

guys even after that it takes something called a steripen ever heard of a stereo stereo is short for sterilization pain and it uses some kind of light for pull pull up steripen food I don't want to say this wrong but utilizing some sort of light some sort of forgot what kind of light what is it UV light UV light and you you keep it in the water for a certain amount of time I just nukes everything kills everything but still

► 00:41:54

amazing tastes like piss so you drinking piss yeah you definitely drinking piss so a lot of times guys will take like they sell these different there's a steripen so that little thing with that light you spin it around inside your glass of water and depending upon the amount of ounces a certain amount of time but it's not that much time ship shockingly it's like 10 minutes and sometimes guys even throw iodine tablets and water to like the whole deal is just kill anything that can fuck you up and just get over the fact that

► 00:42:23

it's going to taste like piss and then they also take like there's a bunch of companies like company called mountain tops they have stuff that like you throw into the water to make the water taste better what if you drink a glass of that if you saw a female elk and she started presenting get hard you get hard as a rock I think you'd probably want to suck an elf dick you probably you probably gave her hell no no it's not gay if it's an animal the male animals yeah yeah right

► 00:42:53

yeah interesting it's he had that they should get those into third world country some version of that it to help people drink water yes yeah well they definitely do they definitely do get filters and different things like that in a certain countries you know we're involved with fight for the Forgotten it's my good buddy Justin run he's got a charity where they build Wells for the pygmies in the Congo oh wow and through this

► 00:43:23

cast and through this company oh company called the cash app they've raised thousands of thousands of dollars and build a bunch of Wells they're in the process of building of now we've donated a bunch of money to that's amazing it's very cool but my point being this motherfucker was just here last week and he's got a parasite they can't even identify and he's had it for six months and he gets so fucked up like sometimes he works out and then you get to the point where his body turns pale and he starts shaking and shivering and they have to get him into a shower like shit dude they don't even know what it is like they think do you

► 00:43:53

what he said it was they think it was a type of parasite test in fact Lyme's disease recently yeah everything's yeah quite a few that have no idea they think it's in his brain whatever it is yeah and he's been on heavy heavy heavy antibiotics and of course one thing that comes with heavy antibiotics and particularly something called cipro is you you don't just get sick from that you also get your ligaments become very very relaxed and they get weak and a lot of people that come

► 00:44:23

come off antibiotics for a long period of time they are subject to injuries like athletes when they get staph infection they put you on this heavy dose of antibiotics but all your ligaments get weak in the end up tearing your ACL okay you know Terry he's got both of his shoulders or torn and he thinks it's probably a connection to the antibiotics that he had to take to deal with the staff or to deal with whatever the fuck this this infection is that he's got some very very strange parasite they he goes

► 00:44:53

deep in the Congo it might be an unidentified parasite that's part of the problem is that he's basically like a fucking lab rat right now and he's got malaria three different times wow that one's not was three times yeah fucking malaria three times did he he didn't take the anti malarial stuff it's still still did well here one of the things he got it and then he said the anti-malaria shit is so bad and it's so rough on you that some people would prefer to get malaria and get it treated huh

► 00:45:23

what is this stuff that he said that you get there's a toxic sickness that he got from Mal adorned with the fuck was it called I think that word for melodium melodium there's a type of anti-malaria medication that they give to particular to soldiers and they find that these guys it's fucking incredibly toxic and they found it in his brain they found that he's got he's suffering from poisoning from this

► 00:45:53

time malaria medication my he was on like really high doses of this shit too if you live somewhere like that you're supposed to be taking it all the time constantly us what the fuck you know when they built the the melodium with the Panama Canal they went down there the French tried to dig it for like 50 fucking years and they'd we're dropping like flies from the Malay they didn't know his for malaria they had no idea what was going on they just knew people were getting sick yeah while they were trying to

► 00:46:23

I mean the scope of that project at that time was insane I mean they were hand digging a fucking canal canal from I mean through like thick jungle in the middle of the country and the middle of the country and they were just people were getting sick and then they would eventually France after 50 years said fuck it and then he just left and then for some reason we bought it we're like we can do it slow down there meh flow

► 00:46:54

Queen methyl clean that sounds like a queef she met Phil cleaned so we show up and they realize 1.4 somewhat spell it spell it out and put it up put it up there again so we get a mellow Queen meth flow Queen sold under the brand names Larry mm that's what I've heard I've heard medication to prevent or treat malaria to use for potential to start a potential exposure and continued for several weeks after potential exposure and then people get sick off of that stuff yeah

► 00:47:23

that's not it that's definitely okay all right seems wrong like the name some jumped on it that's what I looked up I know but it doesn't seem right to you it seems wrong to me I don't know I'm sure it's right but it just

► 00:47:37

so we go in and some genius goes it's the fucking mosquitoes it's we're getting an infection from the mosquitoes so they've simply got rid of standing water they just started finding they had teams of people everyday would go out and they find puddles and they would get rid of the puddles and the more they went from going like I'm telling you one out of three people is dying trying to dig this tunnel and they went to almost nobody dying you know malaria is killed some insane number of people we looked it up once I think

► 00:48:07

the rumor is it's killed half the people who have ever died ever know shit have been killed by malaria whoa yeah that was what I had heard I think it's less than that that they can that they can definitely determine was killed by malaria but nevertheless it's a staggering number of humans those little dirty mosquito yeah I think we can get rid of them right yeah they're trying to do that the trying to genetically engineer

► 00:48:37

veneer mosquitoes that don't carry malaria and then they're also thinking that you know this is really dangerous really dangerous that they could just get rid of mosquitoes period but the problem with that is man you don't know how all that shit's connected and what happens if you get rid of mosquitoes would have the Beatles take over the Beetles start carrying diseases they start biting people like do what morphs like a mosquito wasn't always a mosquito this must be understood right a mosquito

► 00:49:07

one point I was a single-celled organism just like us and then it became a mosquito and found a really good Niche right it's like this fucking mosquito business is the shit right yeah it's like fast food like you can't go wrong mosquito business is awesome sure they fucking go crazy yeah all they need is a little bit of water and any living thing that they can take a little fucking drop of blood from did you ever go to my when I rented a house in Encino did you ever go to that place I don't think so I think was before you moved out here when I first moved out here

► 00:49:38

I've rented this house in Encino nobody lived in it for a couple of years and the the fucking pool had not been taken care of so the pool was green like the Hulk's dick okay and I looked in the pool and it was little things were swimming like schools of fish and I was like what the fuck is this and the pool guy goes oh bro that's mosquito larvae I was like what he goes yeah he goes you we gotta kill this now before you literally infect the entire neighborhood with mosquitoes like there was

► 00:50:07

fish no shit swimming wow like filled with mosquito have you ever seen mosquito larvae in the pool it was so disturbing I was like I gotta get a hotel he's like no no we can kill it we can kill it but they had a poor like fuck the drain the entire pool and poured gallons and gallons of poison in there they just filled and I couldn't swim in it for like six months or something I don't remember but it was so nasty you can see this little fucker swimming like schools of fish

► 00:50:37

shhhh that's amazing I go to schools wow yeah standing water yes standing water man that's all it takes that's why you got a fountain you have little fucking bubbles running through it we are so so lucky when it comes to bugs out here that I know we got no bugs no bugs what we got we got termites that's the only thing that they're fucking Insidious we built a fence around our house took like six weeks they put it in and and six months later there's fucking like

► 00:51:07

will you never see shavings from the bat powder on the bottom like you motherfuckers brought termite infested wood to my house and now it's in my house also the would have come I tell ya can you sue I'm probably I'm not really a sewer what are you plot Revenge just a guy who gets sad when things happen Revenge don't say that I'm Irish Sylar yeah well having I'm an arsonist and find the next project is going to do take it down so

► 00:51:37

so they brought wood that had termites in it yeah for sure well the wood had fucking termites in it maybe contact the contractor and I don't even remember this was like 15 years ago whatever is fence still there yeah but it's like I tried to screw something into it the other day and it wouldn't hold the fucking screw it's like powder underneath the whole thing needs to be ripped down you could run through that fence like the whole yeah cool we're not keeping anybody else the Hi-C guy yeah

► 00:52:07

meeting at my house the Kool-Aid guy right hey Kool-Aid remember that yeah what happened the Kool-Aid guy they just stopped that campaign I was a huge campaign he ran through the fucking house everywhere yeah kids were his sitting there boy I'm thirsty boom fucking take a picture yeah picture with a face on it runs right through your house you kids want a fucking bucket of sugar with some water in it boy it was a delicious though oh yeah I had some Kool-Aid a couple years ago I ate at this place in what's that

► 00:52:37

shitty town in California Fresno is a place called God damn it I follow them on Instagram it's a soul food place in Fresno

► 00:52:52

trying to remember Paul's Kitchen is that it Chef Paul's Cafe and you know sometimes you're on the road you find a place that's just fucking off-the-charts good if you're in Fresno ladies and gentlemen Chef Paul's Cafe I fucking give it two thumbs up oh shit 5 Stars full on soul food like fucking collard greens oxtails like phenomenal food and they also had Kool-Aid man has okay well obviously

► 00:53:21

see I'm going all in I got to get the Kool-Aid to I hadn't had Kool-Aid and probably a decade is that a selfie thing Kool-Aid I don't know is their menu thing yeah they had a bunch of crazy shit on the menu yeah good that's it right there but you know it's a great restaurant in a sketchy Town yeah Fresno sketches fuck I mean you got like like we were driving down the street there's like homeless Community skid roast I look at that food dude seriously chicken and waffles yeah oh my God their food is so good they're Fried Chickens off

► 00:53:51

off the charts but the oxtail I had oxtail there's chicken and waffles that looks good it's so good man that place is amazing and it's just super super authentic like down-home like real hearty comfort food there's a Kool-Aid right there baby Kool-Aid on the menu I mean why not man just get all the flavors when you're at a place like that right don't drink water you asshole get all the flavors get yourself some collated catch yourself some Kool-Aid

► 00:54:22

well that's what Red Bull is isn't it's just Kool-Aid Red Bull has taurine in it and taurine is actually originally from bull come really yes torian is a stimulant that's derived from bulges and Hitler used to actually take bulk um I think I found that out from Tom Papa was I who told now someone told me that and we googled it I was like what like they figured out a way to synthesize it but Tory

► 00:54:51

green is one of the actual ingredients in bulges - so people used to take bulges as some sort of a stimulant I guess here it is Heil Hitler oh hi Hitler medical records show fuhrer Adolf was a cocaine addict in was injected with bull semen to help his sex life he also took steroids he took a lot of testosterone he suffered from flatulence known to break wind during meals with his generals oh they all ratted him out

► 00:55:21

I wonder if you say to a guy who's killing millions of Jews that was offensive yeah that smell is offensive your farts or worse than what you've done to the Jews right you guess them your guys on us now well he was a vegetarian too why is he yeah if you eat a lot of vegetables like the gas broccoli farts yeah they're famous oh yeah it's because your body's breaking down all that fiber yeah I think it has something to do also with the the the vegetables are breaking down faster than the meat if you eat meat and vegetables and they get

► 00:55:51

get caught in your intestine that's where you get pockets of gas and meets blocking it up fermenting yeah steaming up Creighton gasps yeah dude I've been fartin phenomenally I enjoy farting do you and my wife laughs at it thank God we wouldn't still be together over oh yeah you don't even let her know it's coming now it's an it's I will walk in the room with the fart because she laughs at I don't know what it is she thinks it's funny every fucking time I fart so you guy

► 00:56:22

she is and she far she wishes she could fight as much as I do but when she does she lets me know our family does the whole family farts son farts at the dinner table we all laugh yeah we're very open about it but do you think that that's going to carry on to his next relationship I hope so I hope so too but it's hard to find a gal that's down with that I think you got to make them down with it you see he's a man you start with a little one and then gently you just you know

► 00:56:49

if they smell you take it in the other room but if it's just a and you know your cycle usually know what's in the tank same time the previous ones sometimes you don't sometimes you think your float an air biscuit you let out a bomb yeah yeah damn whenever I'm getting on a plane I try to I try to get a few out before I get on the plane when I'm on that that ramp you know what's weird this is really strange I mean really strange and not a lot of people are aware of this when you are around certain smells like

► 00:57:19

if you're like say if you're butchering an animal okay we save you shot an animal in the field and you're hunting you cut it up and you the smells that come from that animal will be in your farts even if you don't eat it wow it's weird oh shit weird and I recognize this but I was confused by it and then it was brought up to me by friends that are hunting guides in Alberta my friends John and

► 00:57:49

and the rivets they've got this guide service and one of the things they hunt is bears and bear is delicious but you have to cook it right because you can get trichinosis it's like pork same kind of deal but they smell like they're their guts and like when you're butchering them like they a lot of times people use What's called the gutless method it's means you take all the meat out without opening up the gut cavity because if you do get that stuff on you like it's but it's specifically if they've been eating something that's right

► 00:58:19

Otten the smells horrible that smell comes out in your farts and one of their daughters canceled school she stayed home because she was farting so bad she's like I can't go to school farting like this yeah I will be a pariah

► 00:58:36

but I've smelt it before some is like did you have bear yet like if I've shot a deer in the field and you're we do we it's called quartering it you got it you take out the heart and the liver you eat the heart and the liver you take out the heat 1/4 it you take like the limbs off you take like the legs off and you take the meat off the back it's called the back straps and The Tenderloins you take all that stuff off and then when you fart you fucking smell that animal in your farts wow and

► 00:59:06

this was addressed actually by my friend Steve rinella on the show meat eater they were trying to figure out why like they're like okay this is a real thing right like everybody talks about this like how is he getting in you you're smelling it and then somehow or another those molecules come out Google all the way through your body from you smelling it and breathing in that air and comes out in your farts and you smell this horrific like gut smell

► 00:59:32

sounds like a good game show you know you go into your room and you come out and the contestants have to guess what animal you just core lamb

► 00:59:44

I wonder if that's the case we I mean must be the case with fish to Lucky catch a bunch of fish you got them and then you probably smell fish farts when you're farting probably smell like fish but the weird thing is that would make sense of your eating it right if you cooked it and ate it that would make sense but this is I'm telling you this is farting when you've had none of it yeah you haven't eaten any of it but you fart yeah you smell it I think I fart

► 01:00:09

I think you fart from getting nervous also like if you're a nervous person I think you fart a lot that makes sense right your gut starts building all the juices and stuff yeah here is farts can fight Strokes heart attacks and dementia sign it that's fair that girl she farts your face you don't get a heart attack that he's got a hot chick in the study has proven that farts can help yourselves to live what what sulfur hydrogen sulfide

► 01:00:39

as well known as a pungent foul smelling gas and rotten eggs and flatulence it is naturally produced in the body and could in fact be a healthcare hero with significant implications for future therapies for a variety of diseases can you imagine if all those weirdos that pay women to fart in their face if they're onto something right those women are heroes those are the most confusing porn videos I've ever seen

► 01:01:09

that what guys are like laying there girls like you would like to fart dirty bitch and they fart in the face yeah Mommy give me that fart Mommy and they fart in their face oh it's so fucking it's so confusing makes me shut my laptop and walk around the block that's fucking great I've seen a bunch of those you never seen one of those no I've never seen it I'm just trying to figure out who the first guy was it had the balls to just go so like smelling a fart and going I think this is it I think this is my you know for some people it's its feet

► 01:01:39

you know right some people it's fart wow if that's a thing with guys farting in the face the sump some people like a lot of weird shit like I had this girl on the podcast back in the day and actually make me sad talking to her name is Ciara Lynch remember her because like I was like what like what she's selling her piss she sells like toenail clippings dirty socks dirty underwear all these guys and then she humiliates these guys they want her to humiliate them and the worst she treats him

► 01:02:09

she's what I believe she refers to her and she's a very smart girl very pretty too she refers to herself as a humiliate tricks

► 01:02:17

like it's like that's her business right she bought a fucking house like she's wow wealthy because of getting these guys to buy her shit and piss yeah very strange I think I got an A new nickname for my wife humiliate tricks

► 01:02:37

but I met this prostitute in Lake Tahoe she knew she'd come to my show and she was like you know in Nevada it's it's all legal and so she I go what's the weirdest client that you ever had and she goes well I don't know if you're ready for this but I met this guy and he lived in Colorado and he had been in in Nevada liked her said she said she's up for anything sends a jet to take her to Colorado oh Jesus

► 01:03:07

Denver to some five-star hotel come up to the suite presidential suite they come and she's like I have no idea what this is about and he goes now this is going to be weird but it's not gonna hurt you Just Go With It Room Service shows up guys got a tray he's got four plates of hamburger meat uncooked just hamburger meat tips the guy leaves and he says what I want you to do is take this

► 01:03:36

meet I'm going to get naked and you're going to take handfuls of it and shove it up my ass it was going there five pounds of hamburger and he just stood there and she kept stuffing it up something out no erection no sex no touching her and then back on the jet back to Nevada so he's a wealthy guy he paid her a ton of money oh my God

► 01:04:04

I'm surprised but I'm not surprised like if you said Would You Bet Your Life that there's a guy out there that sent a private jet to get a prostitute and take her to a nice restaurant and then paid her to stuff hamburger meat up his ass if you're wrong you die yeah I go yeah Peg happen right right a million monkeys typing you know I mean I'm not I'm not I'm

► 01:04:33

prized but I'm not stunned right I'm not like no way I don't believe that yeah I believe it well and the the the funny thing is like I don't get the sense this guy is on a chat room talking to other guys that stuff ground beef up their asses this is his thing right that's his that's a personal thing he's got so much fucking money that his mind just goes to places and he can indulge it he can just go yeah what they'll try that what the fuck man and talk about getting diseases

► 01:05:03

oh yeah

► 01:05:05

well there's just an outbreak of this is salmonella yeah from ground beef I think someone died one person died a few other people have been it's been they've been recalled hey yeah you can get salmonella anally for sure it's raw gotta tell your doctor fuckin a what happened well have a seat

► 01:05:27

let's start from the beginning when I was a boy first I started getting hard-ons I sat on a cheeseburger and do you think these guys is if I shove solid food up my butt would I gain any nutrition from it first of all here's the thing he's answered by Andrew Lee doctor of acupuncture hey fuckface you didn't go to medical school stop calling yourself a doctor doctor of acupuncture is so weird it's like

► 01:05:57

I'm a doctor of Comedy yeah you know what I mean write your practice acupuncture you're not a doctor they don't go to medical school did you know that I didn't know that doctors are doctors a doctor goes to a medical school it's hard you have to study you have to do your residency you have to get your fucking degree at a medical school not chiropractors they call themselves doctors yeah but they don't go to medical school at all right at all and they can

► 01:06:27

fuck you up they do those cracks in your neck pull that up so we could read that

► 01:06:33

so answer is things can be absorbed through the membrane through membrane what see this is out right after I was just showing you that people have asked us no I'm saying but listen the way he writes the answer this is how a chiropractor rights versus a real real doctor things that can be absorbed through membrane will bypass the liver when taken through the anus through membrane will bypass the liver through a membrane

► 01:07:01

okay for example various drugs can be taken as through the anus in order to be easier on the liver Jesus how chiropractors right yeah CCI is writing this is not a guy went to medical school now as the liver no longer needs to filter the drug which makes the drug half as potent and is also hard on the liver this guy's Asian how do you know that butts is named Andrew Lee yeah I did not know his name when I said he's at

► 01:07:31

and I didn't tell by the way he was right alcohol can cross the cell membrane and thus absorbs very easily into the human body oh how about this my friend his wife is a school teacher in Utah and they have a problem in middle school because kids are taking tampons and they're soaking them in rubbing alcohol and stuff them up their assholes and they getting high really yes well one kid found out

► 01:08:01

about it but by the kids did it and so they had a problem in their fucking school

► 01:08:08

where kids are putting tampons dipping them in rubbing alcohol and stuff in them up there but shout out to my friend Healy and by the way I don't know how many millions of listeners you have how many people are now going to do that a lot 40 40 40 people 40 been going on for a while yeah apparently I didn't know about until three weeks ago that I bet it feels good um nice and cool I'm feels

► 01:08:37

tingle a little bit you know if you got hemorrhoids oh yay

► 01:08:45

I'm sure people like that those I'm sure this people they cut themselves and pour alcohol on it just to feel a sting yeah I'm a piece of shit cut yeah the definition of a drunk asshole don't be a drunk asshole especially when you're 12 it's your fucking middle school they're fucking Mormons probably so they just they so desperate that's good

► 01:09:15

point maybe yeah we're talking Utah ever Kitty Dukakis yes Robin sober and drinking After Shave right wasn't it yeah aftershave and isopropyl Hill yeah that's sunk is pret well it kind of was on the way out anyway it was that and when he sat on a tank with a helmet on yeah that was people like what are you a soldier you in war why do you have a helmet yeah we're not even at War you piece of shit hey Mike Dukakis remember him he was like

► 01:09:45

who did he run against a while say Bush senior's wasn't seen yeah yeah yeah I think that was a landslide yeah people aren't down with that it's interesting I'll something sink some people like that Howard over guy has got to be so fucking confused that Donald Trump got away with that grab him by the pussy thing when all he did was scream remember that guy oh yeah Dean we're going to Arkansas that's gonna try it yeah yes I know

► 01:10:15

song Come son come fuck what get its helmet with a fucking sticker on there probably sunk them too wide to say how Mike Dukakis in your helmet bro you gonna go fight for our country get out of here son look at him now but you see the picture of now hammered look at them it's right guys almost president go to the one picture above that with a red face look at that house them fucking president that guy is like if we did a gig for dick Doherty in New Hampshire yeah if you and that guy

► 01:10:45

I'll be at the bar hey you fucking guys is fine but you know I was almost president I was almost positive I'm on my wife my fucking wife she's drinking rubbing alcohol and has aftershave now aftershave fucking dishes with Aqua Velva my fucking Legend cannot close fuck it suck it suck me good thick head of hair though yeah off we see the governor I believe he was yeah it was the governor of Massachusetts yeah yeah right who's it

► 01:11:15

Massachusetts now weld is it weld or maybe I met Bill well he's a republican right yeah that's unusual right they've had we've had a couple of Massachusetts Republicans like fuckface the Mormon what's his name Romney yeah Mitt Romney fuckface Charlie Baker Republican he's a republican to that's interesting that is interesting well you were talking about Texas in Austin yeah and Massachusetts is

► 01:11:45

a Republican state Boston as a democratic City but it's such a big part of the state that it's like what Austin is to Texas and also like Minneapolis to Minnesota yeah I guess so huh like where would you think the Republicans are in Massachusetts everywhere outside of Boston well I think it's a lot of Defense contracts there's a lot of Defense money there and Dynamics right right I got tricked they tricked me they did I posted one a video it's boss town

► 01:12:15

Amex they will be OSS tiwi Dynamics and it was a video of like robots shooting guns and they're kicking the robots and it's hitting these targets perfectly every time I'm like oh my God we're fucked but the thing is it's not that far removed from what the Boston Dynamics robots already do those fucking robots already doing backflips yeah do backflips yeah they do like parkour they run and jump off things and hang on things and then this one it was a fake video though was a CGI think yeah

► 01:12:45

those guys that's what they do and how do you trust anything anymore Jesus Christ well we're pretty close to not being able to trust anything in yeah because with those those deep fake generators where they could take you like 30 done videos with me where they have audio of me saying shit that I would say like a bunch of shit that I would say but I never said it about like champ armies and all those different things yeah yeah there's a whole website dedicated to that

► 01:13:15

it's just weird man yeah and it's going to get weirder and weirder with the the stuff that they can do with your you've seen Kyle Dunnigan yeah fucking page yeah the crazy God yeah oh my God and His the stuff that he does that's my favorite that's really really funny is the stuff that looks fake it's like he does the face swap shit from like the Instagram filters or SnapChat or whatever it is but he did a bunch of stuff because he was doing a pilot for Comedy Central and thank God they're too fucking stupid to pick it up because they would have ruined

► 01:13:44

it is he was showing me one that they wouldn't do it was Caitlyn Jenner having sex with Trump he was showing it to me I was crying I was in The Green Room crying goes yeah Comedy Central said no to that one what yeah look what they like nose to it was too edgy yeah they wouldn't get involved anything trans yeah right right like come on that's why I was shocked at on the roast that that she came out and said the shit that she did that was like that was excuse the pun but that was ballsy what did she say I think she still has her balls she said she

► 01:14:14

stores are addicted oh really yeah what did she came out and said I love that expression she has her dick welcome to 2019 yeah but done again I did a show with him on Saturday night and he came out on stage and he put He put a laptop in front of his face and there was a big screen and he was doing the characters for the crowd that he usually does like as Instagram oh yeah I've heard he does yeah it was great how does he do that it just has the video plays

► 01:14:45

I guess the computer is videotaping him and sending it I know it ran through the house through something in the house system because it was a fuckup it got fucked up oh but it still worked because he was we were doing a gig at the store on a Friday night and he was supposed to be on right before me but there were like actually let's have Kyle going after you because apparently his whole thing needs a big

► 01:15:14

set up confirms gender reassignment study but she confirms gender really hold on put the backup says Caitlyn Jenner confirmed gender reassignment surgery in 20/20 interview okay but the problem has she just did an interview recently she said she still has it hmm what is gender reassignment surgery they fucking wave a wand over you like a like the night you I hereby announce you have a vagina

► 01:15:42

I have a vagina yes

► 01:15:45

all right now have a vagina okay I mean look and they're tapping you on the head with your penis you're clearly a man and you could just say you're a woman why can't you say you have a vagina we're going to play make-believe let's just play make-believe all the way yeah fuck it yeah because look my friends Ubi he was a guest on the podcast he claimed he was a woman for a day and broke the women's world record in deadlift

► 01:16:08

what did he have to do to qualify as a woman you have do anything he's just Dad identifies woman yeah

► 01:16:16

I mean what who are you to say that he did not identify as women you fucking transphobic piece of shit and now I feel bad now should Jesus Christ Greg all years we've known each other I just feel like leave I didn't know that you have this in you as my childhood I think that's okay I wish I was big enough to get cancelled I gotta get a little bit more famous and then it can happen yeah I'm more like me who

► 01:16:46

Club joke that such upon God now I think pull up I think that Caitlyn Jenner still has his dick her dick sir fight with a guy that that became a woman and then beat the shit out of a woman um you mean MMA I don't know if we boxing or MMA yeah it was yeah she had a few fights the problem was not that she had the fights which I would never advise anybody to fight someone who used to be

► 01:17:16

a man I would say probably got a lot of physical advantages that's not going to show up in the weight class like just because they're both 235 pounds there's a fucking difference I don't give a shit what anybody says there's a reason why this woman world-champion cyclist is breaking records so I women deadlift these these women weight lifters who used to be men are breaking records like by giant numbers I mean giant numbers in powerlifting and they all they have to do is just say they used to be a man and now I'm a woman this is it oh she's a woman

► 01:17:46

and your piece of shit if you say anything different there's just but this one was fighting her name is Fallon Fox and she was fighting as a woman even though she'd been a man for 30 plus years and in fact even had kids at all kid and then just transitioned became a woman didn't tell anybody said it was a medical issues none of your business and beat the fuck a tattoo women and like beat them like domestic violence like you watch it you like what yeah then she came out and it was like this big

► 01:18:16

big hubbub I got caught up in it because I said it was nonsense or said it was I said it's worse than nonsense I was like it's bullshit it's a hundred percent bullshit and I never never been tacked harder oh I shouldn't have brought it up I didn't realize care it's fine look I fucked that's a he'll die on yeah that's a hill I'll die on like you guys are out of your fucking mind yeah I think you're out of your mind with track and field I think you're out of your mind with weight lifting you're out of your mind with all those things but if it comes to fighting fuck you fuck you you think a man or woman of the same thing you are

► 01:18:46

our out of your God damned mine if you think all you have to do is get a little bit of surgery take some hormones and you're a woman now and you should be able to fight women magic that's your daughter and your daughter is getting pummeled by someone who used to be a man fuck you it's crazy yeah it's crazy well it's unfair to the female athletes you know women are real women real women are getting fuck your real women are training their whole fucking lives that you know what they're with their sacrificing to be the best woman out there and then to compete event

► 01:19:16

somebody who's got to stas Turon that just puts them at a whole different level physically well here's the deal I know it lowers it testosterone but it's still there it doesn't know it lowers it significantly but the gains that they've had through growing up through puberty with testosterone and being an XY chromosome having the bone structure of a man those are undeniable and their undeniable by the world records that these trans women are winning they're beating men I mean they're beating women but biological women

► 01:19:46

I jaunt numbers like tract someone sent me this the states that allow people in college and in high school to compete as the gender that they identify with without surgery or you don't have to you know I have to have surgery and a lot of these places they are dominating dominating its dominant

► 01:20:13

trans people trans people running these things trans always always male to female never female to male female to male aren't they selling no chicks are like like saying identifies a man let me get in the NBA and fucking postnup 40 against LeBron that's not happening it's not it's doesn't go down that way with what goes down is men who want to be a woman become a woman and then want to compete against biological women and in every single case the biological women are getting fucked over because if a woman

► 01:20:43

save a woman was 30 years old and she decided at 30 years old she was going to start taking hormones and become a man and compete against man she'd be fucked but if a man does that he's got the benefit of having testosterone in his system for 30 years and then transition to becomes woman and there's there's no denying there's a gigantic Advantage if a woman was going to compete like save she's going to compete in track and field and she's 30 years old but for

► 01:21:13

all of her life she's been taking steroids her whole life she's been taken just just steroids get it get a man John a thick neck and fucking shoulders roll and then she gets off of it just gets off of it for a couple years and competes against women just throwing them around and dragged on people be like she's a cheater she cheated she took steroids for 30 years just because she's not taking him now doesn't mean she's not a cheater well that's what's happening yeah it's but it's worse because the bone structure and because

► 01:21:43

it's a natural testosterone your fucking puberty you're going through puberty with testosterone it's crazy it's crazy it's fucking crazy and it's almost even crazier if you didn't go through puberty so how about if you're a trans person and someone decided when you're five or six years old that you're trans and so now it what you someone's transitioning you before when somebody had a great joke about that like you don't let a five-year-old pick their outfit why would you let them pick their gender like you can't let a

► 01:22:13

and say what they are what they are kids are a giant part of what a kid is you're so easily influenced by your environment right so easily influenced it's so easy to convince a kid one way or the other and you don't know what's happening right in their home and you're asking this child to make a decision about their biology you've talked about in terms of starting to take take drugs yeah I mean the idea of doing that to a little kid to me is fucking bananas doesn't make any sense yes we're leaving this weird fantasy world

► 01:22:43

right now where people want to be so Progressive and they want to be so open-minded they don't want to be transphobic so we're letting people say and do absolutely Preposterous things that don't have any logic that the don't make any sense in terms of what we know about biology doesn't make any sense and particularly when it comes to sports particularly when it comes to your life you're a grown adult I don't care I'm happy for you if you live better as a woman you feel better as a woman you're a

► 01:23:13

and to me congratulations I don't care but you're competing against men you can go fuck or it competing his women rather you can go fuck yourself you're not a woman in the sense of you don't have double X chromosome you didn't grow up as a woman you're not a biological woman if you want to be treated as a woman that's fine but you can't just decide you're a woman and now you're going to break World Records in fucking dead lifts and you're going to you know run faster than any woman that's ever lived you're going to beat them on bike races you're going to break World Records

► 01:23:43

well as a trans woman you're crazy what happens to all these regular women that didn't get the the advantage of growing up through puberty with testosterone they getting fucked over that's the reason why we have men and women's divisions in the first place Hmm this is weird cop out that well there's always it's not fair and some sports because there's LeBron James Haiti's LeBron again you know there's Mike Tyson there's there's there's these outliers who these freak physical specimens yeah yeah there are but they're men versus men this freak physical

► 01:24:13

specimens in men but when you go so far so far over that when you when you take a biological male and they're just breaking world records as a woman you got to go come on we're entering into this complete nonsense area yeah but this is just Progressive thinking this ideology taken to the extreme yeah he and I mean I don't know what the answer is because the women if they do start taking testosterone then they obviously

► 01:24:43

we can't compete against women legally any longer no so they're they're sort of in limbo I don't know if there needs to be a third category trend of Athletics the trans categories for that's the perfect answer yeah that's the perfect answer I don't think even if the women take steroids if it would be fair I don't I don't even know if that would be fair because they're still not going through puberty like you would have to mean first of all there's not a lot of data on this there's not a lot of data in terms of a years and years of

► 01:25:13

competition where they've studied athletes that have been trans versus athletes that have been biologically female versus athletes that are biologically male we don't lose a lot of studying on this this is people going with the current thinking and the current Progressive ideology where they don't want to be criticized they don't want to be called transphobic they don't want to have articles written about them or people call them terrible names and talk shit about them and it's such a small percentage of the population

► 01:25:43

ocean and it's become an issue that is being identified for political reasons you know it's something that is like like my kid is a college now and like every class you have to say your name what gender you identify as and what pronoun you want to be referred to as do you how many fucking people this is affecting whizzer five in the school if that if that it's I believe the current number of people that are trans in this country somewhere

► 01:26:13

around one percent is that what the numbers

► 01:26:17

do we even know what's fun now I'm fine with all of it up until it comes to sports hmm I mean if you just if you want to identify with a them you know you want to be a very personal I might fuck up occasionally because it's odd yeah I might make mistakes if you want to be called Caitlin okay hi Caitlin I don't care I don't care right but with sports you can fuck all the way off 0.6% okay that's hilarious it's not even one

► 01:26:46

half of a basically half of a percent and Elizabeth Warren she's getting shit because she was she was supporting trans prisoners having the right to have corrective surgery in jail and of course people had a field day with like the amount of money that that would cost and it's like she should just say pass what's your opinion on that Elizabeth let me talk about the economy

► 01:27:15

let me talk about health care yeah that's not a good one but that's one that I guarantee you if you sat down and talked to her about it like this is this is an ideologically based opinion that's she's probably looked at their her demographic which is Progressive left wing you know she's a woman she's running for president and a big part of her being candidate is a fact that we would like to have a woman president particularly people on the left they look it fucked up with Hillary Clinton didn't go well maybe it was with Warren's our gal yeah

► 01:27:45

she seems to talk well she's strong experience maybe she's the one maybe she's the one well well she's got to support that because you want the whole Democratic party otherwise someone will fucking snatch up those people in an independent category green category yeah like fuck it I'm voting for Jill Stein because she's a piece of shit or Elizabeth Warren's a piece of shit and she won't she doesn't address trans rights yeah there was a lot of third-party voters in the last election they go along the election I was one of them

► 01:28:15

Stein Gary Johnson now he did my podcast oh no shit yeah so I said I'll vote for you what was his deal

► 01:28:22

well he didn't know government guy anything about what he was sunk because he didn't know what we're Aleppo was oh I remember that yeah yes Uncle yeah like people were considering him fairly serious huh hmm maybe I'm serious about Gary Johnson he seems fairly reasonable why don't we could use a reasonable guy and they asked him what do you think we do about Aleppo he's like what the fuck's Aleppo like yeah that's right

► 01:28:49

it's a city where a lot of bad shit is happening but did Trump know where Aleppo was he doesn't have to

► 01:29:00

he doesn't have to they could say what you gonna do about Aleppo he probably where's Aleppo Syria oh well that place is a mess yeah and we dealt with that I think we're done with that I think we cancel them so aleppo's in Syria right so we're just

► 01:29:16

think that's what it is yeah but it was almost like a trick question yeah you know because who fuck

► 01:29:24

he didn't know but who does who did I got all the peoples like this for Community doesn't even know where Aleppo is I didn't know where I left I was yeah I didn't know the question either yeah obviously I'm not running for president well we're kind of hoping that that that person knows the shit we don't know where they tell him when he gets in there but that's the scary thing about Trump is that other leaders will have advisors around them that they trust right tell them stuff but Trump doesn't seem to read the who's only interested in the he's not interested in

► 01:29:54

they blew the fuck out of him at the UFC oh were you there yeah oh because it because I heard from one camp that they cheered and from other camp today his son said they cheered for him listen to Daddy I took my fucking headphones off just to listen and it was whoo yeah man 18,000 people going his son said they were chanting USA maybe four people behind him were chanting USA

► 01:30:24

as for saying boo as I say here I would Donald Jr said yeah that's Donald Jr is that was worried that you'd probably say that to look they booed the fuck out of him yeah I'm sure some people clapped yeah I'm sure but if you had a if you had a bet your money on it like what was the greater percentage was it booze or claps it was fucking booze yeah dude I took my headphones off uh-huh I was right there yeah I was 50 I can hit him with a rock he was right over there yeah boo yeah I'm surprised he showed up after what happened at the

► 01:30:53

World Series the same fucking thing happened a week before but maybe figure because he was DC it was because it's so liberal and DC probably figure because it was at the fight yeah cage fights I mean he'll also he's friends with Dana White and they're good friends okay don't leak like they were there's a picture on Dana's Instagram of him and Donald sitting in front of the television watching fights the watching the prelims before he went out Dana watches some of the card in his green room

► 01:31:24

listen to the commentary and you know wants to see some because like there's a lot of moving pieces involved being the president of the United States and also the president of the UFC a lot of moving pieces you don't have a lot of time to sit through the entire Pay-Per-View while you're there so Dana sits in the back and he watches a lot of the pay-per-view card on the screen in his in his office or in his green room so he was back there with Donald sitting on the couch and you put it on his Instagram just watching some fights it's just him and Trump sitting there

► 01:31:53

hilarious yeah wow is watching my friend Corey Anderson damn knockout Johnny Walker so look at that watching fights like what you think Dana Dana White's been the fuck is this kid could be Basque him where my father Visa send location yeah it's his father can get a Visa yeah ask Donald bro come on did the good free khabib give you got 46 thousand likes on that walking the massive Square Garden

► 01:32:23

staying with Dana White for the big UFC championship fight was a little bit like walking to a trump rally plenty of Maga and KAG present what is kg oh hmm okay great energy fantastic job Tina headed to DC and then to Kentucky for the big Matt Bevin rally okay well look for sure some people cheered for sure for sure for sure some people waved at them some wavy people look some people like to see him

► 01:32:54

hmm look if I was in the crowd and I wasn't hammered and he was there I'd be like what's up bro hey I'd yell at them I'd say hide wave at them but the reaction like when he walked in it's a lot of booze yeah but that's just fucking gonna happen man he's a controversial character you know like anywhere he goes you're gonna get it oh look it's fun to boo yeah it's fun to go fuck you it's fun you're going to do something when you see somebody you're either going to cheer you're going to boo ya me get secret service all

► 01:33:23

Adam there's there was a lot of noise man a lot of noise but a lot of it was yeah

► 01:33:32

but it wasn't it wasn't like fuck Trump fuck Trump there was no chant you know this place is where he can't go right like if he went to an lbgt rally I would guarantee yeah that's a place where you can't go right even if he's Pro lbgt with his his policy that's place where they gonna they're gonna be like pretty universally hated him yeah where would you say he can't go where where wouldn't be a good move I think any kind of a woman's movement like oh yeah

► 01:34:02

me to marches yeah what if you dressed like when they have those women marches were all wearing the pussy hats walk down the street and they have a little feet they have speakers in the has he put something set up a stage and it comes out to address them he starts grabbing everybody's hat grandmother pussy at what what what well possess someone to want that job I mean look if you wanted to have the the best case scenario answer it's like I want to do

► 01:34:32

do a good job and make this country great and do better and but what do you think really it's ego I was watching Andrew Yang on some morning talk show on Sunday and he's he's walking down the street with his wife and it's a Sunday it's got his fucking kids and I'm like this is your Sunday he's got followers with his name on his a legend like strangers with Fitzsimmons on a placard walking behind you cheering on a Sunday I want to be home when I watch a fucking football game

► 01:35:02

with my kid making meal but these people every day they're working 16-hour days where their speak saying the same shit and they're saying we're we're winning and they always say we know just say I am be as fucking selfish as you really are I'm winning more people are liking me than those other people hmm

► 01:35:22

it's a bad job it's a bad job that no one should have it's a job that should be a giant Round Table of geniuses should be deciding the fate of the country yeah and they all should be on mushrooms they all should be on ego dissolving doses of mushrooms so that none of them are acting in their own self-interest they all should have zero financial investments in anything that has anything to do with any decisions that they make like they should have to give up all their stocks

► 01:35:52

they should have to absolutely make sure like like Trump is able to have Al's businesses be run by his kids which is kind of hilarious yeah but then he makes decisions that would benefit his businesses that are being run by his kids and as soon as out of office he jumps back in and takes over again which is like yeah it's what do you think's going to happen when they get its taxes because they're pretty close I pretty good it's going to go to the Supreme Court now the last court said that he has to turn them over and what they're doing is they're going after his accounts

► 01:36:22

accountant instead of him that way the accountant will be liable as opposed to him personally because he's never going to do it but if you're if you're fucking you know Harvey Altman and Company you have to you got to do it you're not gonna go to jail for him right you sewed up with Michael Cohen right you go to jail yeah there's no pardons you're going to jail bunch of went to jail yeah quite a few people in jail manafort Jana for it jail real jail yeah like like you can't see anybody

► 01:36:52

the cell jail it's not gonna matter when his taxes come out it's not going to matter it's nothing none of it matters he's got his file the only thing this election comes down to is whether or not the left can get people to show up because his 46 percent or whatever percent are into him they are fucking there on November 4th next year they're showing up you know it was crazy Chris Rock went on stage right after he won and Chris Rock said you don't know that motherfucker he goes let me tell you something here

► 01:37:22

I ain't leaving he goes he's going to be the president for a long fucking time he ain't going to leave mmm and I was thinking like what does that mean like you have to leave yeah like if he loses he imagine if he loses and he doesn't want he doesn't believe he lost well he's already said he won't believe it he's already said that she's gonna be a revolution

► 01:37:48

he's yeah he's you know he's laying the groundwork for could be ugly including it the impeachment which would be even worse than him just not getting elected if he was impeached can you imagine what would happen I don't think he's going to get out and peaches he was he's being impeached yeah if he was convicted it was if he's convicted and then removed from office it would be crazy yeah but I don't think that's going to happen I think someone explain to me was it Kyle Dunnigan explain to me how many people what's up no not colleague

► 01:38:17

count that again did explode kolinsky sorry Kyle Kyle kolinsky who's my favorite online political commentator very wise guys left wing guy but like he calls it like he sees it he's very educated and very aware of all the pitfalls that that is plaguing the left and the right and he said that you would need all these Republicans to vote on it in order for him to actually be impeached and the

► 01:38:47

not going to there now they're just like twenty two Republican Senators that would have to flip yeah that's a far they have zero then I'm going to flip now the next thing that they're more interested in their party than they are in anything else yeah you have to Republicans they have to stick together they especially in this time where you know look there I'm not a republican but if I was I would be extremely concerned about censorship in social media which is a real thing censorship of

► 01:39:17

public and ideas and conservative ideas is absolutely a real thing and is it's not just real it's accepted as being the right thing to do by certain organizations I mean they've been caught on camera and hidden camera talking about the ways that you can silence conservative voices you know this is not like so these when you look at social media platforms

► 01:39:42

they're essentially the best way to get ideas out there right it's even better than Broadcast News because if you put something on Fox or CBS or whatever how many people are really going to watch it is it a thousand a million I mean how many people watch it but if you have a clip that goes viral that clip on YouTube or Twitter where our Facebook wherever wherever that could get 30 million people 40 million people way fucking more than is ever going to watch you want

► 01:40:12

they've kind of accepted that on late-night television like late night television is kind of accepted that what they're looking for is these clips these moments these clips that almost acts as advertisements for the show yeah you know where it's James Corden fucking making people sing in the car that kind of shit the trying to get these clips that go viral because the show itself you I mean I don't know how many people are watching a few hundred thousand at the most right it's nothing in comparison to a lot of the like like that what's that guy's name that's the famous makeup kid that

► 01:40:42

he's a gay fellow James Charles that guys videos on makeup get way more fucking views in anything that happens on Fox News and that's a fact yeah anything that happens on MSNBC and that's a fact okay social media is way more potent than anything else and comes to getting a message out and for sure conservatives are being discriminated against on social media by social media platforms well I what's weird about it is that when you think about social media and coming out of silicon

► 01:41:12

a lie which is famously left wing the election was really swung by the internet in Trump's favor yeah whether or not you want to call them Bots that were set up by Russia or whether or not it was just they were well organized campaign they just they were really smart and very sharp about videos they put out yes they have a thing now where they put out a lot of memes that they encourage people to make memes about yes there are all over Democrats are so far behind or Republicans when it comes to

► 01:41:42

using using it but you're right I mean if you if you ban certain people from Twitter and from YouTube That's censorship yes it is censorship and even if you're not Banning them from those platforms if your Shadow bending them if you're making it very difficult for people to find them which is real it's a real thing that you do they you know the the way your poet like if you have a post on social media it doesn't just go up in chronological order anymore

► 01:42:12

now it's affected by an algorithm so I might see your posts or I might not see your post in my feed it's dependent upon what I like and what I watch and what I see when I go to search like if you look at my search feed you know you see you see people beat in the fuck out of each other and girls doing squats looks like my my search it's all like like it's the most cartoonish version of me possible yeah it's all like big bull elk

► 01:42:42

in and dudes getting head kicked in a muscle car doing a burnout that's my fucking that's all you good look at my Instagram search and that's all affected entirely by this algorithm that figures out what I like yeah and then also recommends things to me like in terms of like there's a lot of sponsored things on Instagram like ooh I could use that as I could yeah no I have to Google is everything good and it's because it's targeting me it's found me that knows that I search for certain things I look at certain things

► 01:43:12

these are the sites that I follow these are the things that I interact with so let's sell them something and it does the same with you and it doesn't seem to Jamie does the same with everybody so they can in certain social media platforms use that algorithm to discriminate so they can decide hey this fucking guy keeps chirping on and on about Hillary Clinton's war crimes and all this we don't need this guy around okay we don't need this guy and all of his fucking right-wing bullshit and always make America great again

► 01:43:42

all shits Will Shadow ban them and so they can shove you into this category where it's very difficult to find your find your page and it's very difficult for your shit to show up and a lot of people have seen their views drop drastically their interactions drop drastically because people aren't seeing this shit anymore right Andrew Santino had that happen to him no shit talk to someone talk to someone on the phone that told him he was Shadow band and he's like what does that mean they're like well it

► 01:44:12

it's because of a post that you made he was well what post is it they wouldn't tell him what post it was what kind of post would it have been as he political know he's like I'm not political at all but you know he's a comic and he says ridiculous shit yeah and he's a redhead and so people probably like you know look at this guy this super white looking guy who says a bunch of ridiculous shit get rid of them yeah off of his head yeah now I had this guy weird fella I think is this handle on Twitter and he used to he used to say stupid

► 01:44:42

Sherry was Goofy whatever he you know I would interact with him a little bit and then he emailed me at my site to say that he got banned from Twitter remember what remember on Halloween when a kid showed up at the White House and Trump and Milani were standing there and Trump put candy on top of the kid's head instead of handing it to him he's gonna it was like a really ridiculous like this guy can't even just put candy in the fuck kids bag is gotta put it on his head so it was like a thumb that became a meme and this guy just

► 01:45:12

just wrote I wish the kid had kicked him in The Shins

► 01:45:17

thrown off Twitter for saying that hmm there's a woman named Megan Murphy she's what's called a Turf do you know what Turf now trans exclusionary radical feminist and she she is one of those radical feminists that don't believe that a trans person is a woman and she was arguing that these people don't have they shouldn't have a voice in women's issues like you're not a woman and so this is her opinion

► 01:45:46

and some people think that that opinion is transphobic some people think she should be allowed to have that opinion while on Twitter she wrote A man is never a Woman They told her she has to take down that tweet so you know what she did she made a screenshot of it she took down that tweet and then she posted a picture of the screenshot and then they banned it for life Wow you know who's not banned for life OJ Simpson yeah double homicide armed kidnapping hate Twitter world yeah

► 01:46:16

yeah hey Twitter world is your friend OJ with football picks hey Twitter World he's fine but this lady who's just sad with her words a man is never a woman which biologically is correct band wow do you know what else you get banned for damn you know you will see a band for for Life what dead naming you know dead name is that if you call Caitlyn Jenner Bruce

► 01:46:42

really and for life no shit yes for life damn ridiculous this is where we're living in this is this political ideology world this is the reason why someone like Elizabeth Warren thinks she has to say taxpayer money should pay for prisoners some fucking mass murderer who decides he's a woman now to get this transition area surgery transition surgery yeah reassignment surgery whatever you want to call it look I wish there was a fucking pill that you could take I wish it was a place

► 01:47:11

you can go where they zap you like the place where they turn Bruce Banner and the Hulk that turns you into a woman legit 100% Bonafide XY or double X chromosome woman I wish there was I wish there was so this is no argument yeah the argument is in changing someone but not really you know like you're still your chromosomes and your biological makeup and then forcing people to comply so it's a thing of compliance like you're supposed to

► 01:47:41

not bring up the fact that this person used to be a man look if your name is Greg but like my friend Aubrey okay perfect example his name is to be Chris but he trip balls one day and decide you want to change his name so he changed his name we all just call them off right now I don't call him Chris anymore he was Chris for years I knew him as Chris for years and then he became Aubrey I'm like all right man you want to be Aubrey now your Aubrey I don't give a fuck but if I called him Chris would I be dead name yeah right right but you know what else is

► 01:48:11

here it is that like the same mentality that says this says that a white kid who grows dreadlocks and dresses in Urban Street where is culturally appropriate yes many many of the people that would sing think that yeah including there's a there was a movement that they had a band I think most people band in it but it's really ridiculous for a while where they were yelling at white girls wearing hoop earrings because they were saying that this is a Latina thing

► 01:48:41

you're culturally appropriate in that but it's not like then if you historically you got to go back to ancient Sumerians were they invented hoop earrings so you are you from Babylon hmm are you from Mesopotamia no then shut the fuck up because you're culturally appropriate if you do you have a Korean phone in your hand yeah guess what that's culturally appropriate and those Italian jeans culturally appropriate and yeah who made your sneakers huh China what the fuck are we talking about culturally appropriate in is one of the

► 01:49:11

fucking things because that's what cities are there are melting pots of awesome cultures and they all get together just as if you're a fucking dude and you want to dress up like Bruce Lee that doesn't mean you're culturally appropriate it means you're a Bruce Lee fan and it's kind of cool here admiring that and so you're you're trying to take it on it's all woke it's all woke culture it's this culture of compliance they want you to comply it's all that's what it's about more than anything it's getting people to change getting people to listen to you

► 01:49:41

and do what you want them to do I want you to stop wearing those fucking earrings I want you to stop wearing dreadlocks meanwhile dreadlocks Romans wore fucking dreadlocks dreadlocks are not necessarily a black thing although most black people like you if there was more rather black people wearing them than white people but there's white people have had dreadlocks forever it's like you can we've all seen dirty hippies with dreadlocks yeah yeah go to a fucking Grateful Dead concert a lot of dirty white people with dreadlocks or not trying to culturally appropriate that trying to be dirty hippies with dreadlocks yeah they're the

► 01:50:11

as the real to say that that's cultural appropriation is fucking crazy it's great you we all appropriate we all do we all do is you use if you are in the United States in 2019 your part of the greatest Melting Pot the world has ever known and to decide that you can have some of that but you can't have other parts like come on man stop good luck on Halloween Jesus Christ I read this list of things you shouldn't do on Halloween it was like don't put a feather in your head down

► 01:50:41

output don't even tattoo don't put a tattoo of something that would identify you as Native American or Asian don't have an Asian letters tattooed that was a thing that people used to do so is that a thing you shouldn't do now you can't do that anymore I never was a fan of that to begin with Obama bro you didn't write he may give a speech that's not excellent was great yeah it was it was excellent It's telling people like we're looking to cancel people all the time and this is a perfect quote that he said

► 01:51:11

the world is messy and it is messy here's what we got to stop looking for things that make you angry and just try try to let things go and just be nice to each other well I thought hard and dialogue these people want to just talk and have you listen like I saw a woman coming out of a fucking restaurant the other day and I was walking in and a t-shirt said I did I don't want to hear or men's stop talking

► 01:51:40

I don't want to hear from men and it was like I'm sorry did I do something to you have I have I not raised a beautiful daughter and been a loving husband and a great son to my mother and and a great friend to a lot of women and mentored many female Comics that I bring on the road with me and hired when I was head writer on TV shows that I've hired and and it's like don't fucking put me in that category how about we talk about do you have an issue with with you know what's going on with you personally

► 01:52:10

involving me we'll talk about as a human being right and want as an individual but that's that's the thing they're denying the individual and they're making everything binary it's you and them it's us and them it's 1 & 0 it's not there's no room for nuance yeah this is no is no room for the complexity that is the human race yeah this idea like men should shut the fuck up I don't want to hear from white men that's another one I've seen that shirt I don't want to hear from maybe that's what it was I don't wanna hear it the more drop yeah it's all done

► 01:52:40

nonsense it's comes from people that want compliance this is the whole thing about what culture is people that felt like they've been pushed around they felt like they've been bullied they felt like they'd been maligned they haven't been treated fairly and now they want to turn it on you and they don't give a fuck they don't give a fuck if you're if you're white man I don't give a fuck what your opinion is shut your fucking mouth and they feel like they can say that because this culture and Bolin boldin's people by letting people get away with nonsense by letting people say things like that like walk into it

► 01:53:10

if I was on the restaurant someone walked in with shirt like that I'd be like get the fuck out of here just like if you walked into a shirt with a shirt that said black people should shut the fuck up yeah it out right get out get out if you really think that you have no room for black people talking get I don't want you around your mind is rotten you thinking a terrible way go cleanse yourself go yeah go take a fucking meditation class or something figure out what's wrong with you but don't don't bring that toxic energy around people it's stupid yes criminal Tori

► 01:53:40

well it's half the population and it's like I understand that women have been they've had a different experience than men black people have had a different experience than white people these there's issues that need to be addressed and corrected and enlist me in that yes I'm perfectly willing to Don't Force you right to comply yeah you know there's a there's a giant there's a giant issue in this country that is like like skirted it's like it gets addressed but

► 01:54:10

gets it gets ignored and the and that is what do they do with all the communities that have been forever affected by slavery like what about all those all those when people talk about reparations

► 01:54:29

it gets dismissed like it's not you I didn't do anything it's not you it doesn't have to do with you you didn't do anything you never owned a slave I never owned a slave we didn't have anything to do with it but there's no denying that there's parts of this country that are forever affected by slavery and then afterwards by racist laws those red line laws however reconstruction and Jim Crow all that yeah okay never really been addressed never been addressed in terms of a correction now

► 01:54:58

in terms of like reparations you give people money I don't know if that works like if I thought that by me paying more in taxes and them giving reparations we could ease the tension racial tension this country I would be like okay that's all you have to do but it's not all you have to do right because you're still going to have these communities that are forever affected until something has been done to correct them like I'm not in favor of giving people who were never slaves money as reparations

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but I am in favor of giving communities money and figuring out a way to rebuild them figure out a way to make them safer better schools yeah every school lunches Community programs getting people off the streets that are involved in gangs and drugs and all that stuff like I've said this a thousand times but it Bears repeating the best way to have a great country is if we're a team or if we're country were supposed to be a team right where Community a giant community of 320 million people what's the

► 01:55:58

way to make it stronger well you have less losers that's the best way well what's the likelihood of you becoming a loser if you're in an impoverished drug riddled crime just ravaged area well they're highly it's highly likely that you're not going to succeed in that area unless you are some person of unbelievable character and unbelievable will and fortitude and you're raised by people who did a phenomenal job essentially you know

► 01:56:28

a war zone right if you live in the south side of Chicago and you look at the murder rate the south side of Chicago and compare it to the murder rate in war zones they're pretty fucking similar right so essentially these people are being asked to do their best and and come out of this war zone and pull themselves up by their bootstraps whereas other people around them are not a war zone if we're Community we're supposed to look at that and go hey how the fuck do you stop this thing from being a war zone how do we stop this how do we how do we do that with Detroit how do

► 01:56:58

do that with Baltimore how do we do that with all these impoverished areas that that should be addressed well it has to be looked at it is our problems out there problem yes you know we are all living with the ramifications of inequality you know it's affecting us on a daily basis whether it's crime or whether it's you know our gross national product would be much higher if more people were educated and more people were proud of their work and yes and so there's there has to be there has to be Pride less less losers more Pride more

► 01:57:28

with progress and you know I think if you if you if you live in a certain culture in this country there there isn't a pride in succeeding right there just because you haven't seen it right more opportunity in this includes poor white cultures like I have a friend who's from Kentucky and he tells me about these fucking people that live in these coal mining communities where the coal mining Community the Cole's gone and the community shut down people are hooked on pills and he's like you have never seen

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poverty like this he's like you've never seen it we're like everyone in the community is on pills everyone is surviving on like below minimum wage everyone's a criminal like it's just everyone's poor just horrific did you ever see the Wild and wonderful Whites of West Virginia now holy shit I think it's a Johnny Knoxville documentary did he put it together it's amazing it's amazing for all the wrong reasons because these are the trashiest white trash people that have ever lived and they're all on pills

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yes they're all turning tricks and doing crazy shit and robbing people and shooting people and it's like the everyone has a fucking story that's like you're like Macaulay Culkin from home alone like what yeah put your hands on your ears like what the fuck but those communities exist they exist they and it's so hard to get out it's so hard to break free like we as a community as a giant 320 million person community should be concentrating on fixing those

► 01:58:58

that's at least as much as we're concentrating on fixing problems in other parts of the world yeah I understand the logic behind going to these other parts of the world are fucked up and trying to solve these problems before they affect us before they come back to us that's the logic I get it but internally inside of our country we were not doing the same thing we're allowing people to become violent criminals by never giving them a chance but never giving them an outcome or never never giving them a possibilities

► 01:59:28

he's other than what they see around them not giving them an hour any opportunities and we treat it as if they're supposed to be we're all supposed to be even we're all supposed to be on this even game know some people got one shitty card and some people got like five Aces it does yeah there's this documentary they made about a public school in Chicago I forget what Oak Park I think it was in it was called America is me and it was like this 10 part series and it showed the experiences of the white kids versus the black

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it's because it was an integrated school but you were seeing that the black kids were lagging grade-wise graduation rates and they just went in depth and you saw that a lot of the black kids were dealing with single parents they were dealing with being fucking evicted some of them being homeless or just not having the resources like you know the white kids are getting SAT prep classes and you know they're getting extra help because they've got a parent that's not working that can pick them up from school and drive them to a tutor and there's just all these things

► 02:00:28

is that you're seeing one side is getting Foster in the other side is struggling and it's the same fucking school so it's not it's not as simple as just put good schools in the community but there's got to be mentorship programs and it's got to be the outreach program media outreach has got to be they got to get preschools I got to get kids in there at a young age so the parents can work and there's good nutrition that they say that the studies that show preschool the difference is long term of how people come out of there with those extra two years

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his astronomical makes sense makes sense you prep them for it early but it's the thing is this is where a concept like Democratic socialism actually makes sense it's like people think of democratic Socialism or anything when you say the word socialism they go oh you're going to take money and give it to lose you people this is the that's the worst-case scenario right but man if we're Community if we are a community of human beings you gotta we've got to help the people

► 02:01:28

people that aren't doing good there's got to be a reason why they're not doing good it's not that they're inferior there's they have inferior choices they have inferior opportunities they have an inferior situation and it's so hard to get the mass of people behind giving their money to some sort of some sort of a program that does take steps to fix this you just don't hear it well you know they had the jobs

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you know FDR and the New Deal they were able to start people want to work people don't want to get a Welfare Channel they want to feel good about themselves and they and you want to be busy all day you know it was sometimes I'm not suppose I don't work for a month you know I'm between writing jobs maybe I take some time off from stand up I guess I just don't feel good about myself terrible I mean imagine that times year after year and generation after generation and for you it's a choice like if you want to go on the road anytime yeah but that's not a choice for a lot of right for lunch

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oyster just fucked and you used to have the the funny thing is like the factory jobs you look back on them and you go those are like really shitty jobs you know I grew up in a factory town and they was like people were not enjoying it people were getting fucking drunk and high and just getting through and now we're looking we're harkening back to like that it was like some golden age of great work like a know you know they were union jobs which was great but let's shoot higher you know let's get weird

► 02:02:58

actually jobs aren't coming back probably the real question is like some people some people don't have aspirations so if you took someone who's already gone through the school system and you know like oh we're going to get jobs for people that's not good enough well you got to fix the people that are fucked up yeah you can't say like like an 18 year old person is not a finished product right a 25 year old person came from a fucked-up neighborhood and is got all sorts of mental problems

► 02:03:28

problems and probably PTSD that's not a finished product yeah you can't say we got a job for you will because they're fucked in the head you know they've had a deal with their friend getting shot they have deal with their mom being on crack a getting them a job is not not enough I don't know what the answer is like obviously we're just two white guys talking shit yeah right we don't have to worry about this is not our concern but if you wanted to if you wanted to fix if you were a person like save Greg Fitzsimmons became president how do you fix that how do you how do you even make

► 02:03:58

steps to fix it because I haven't heard anyone come up with a plan maybe there is one that I haven't heard but a plan where it makes sense where there's a long-term proposition to try to take these communities that are just habitually engulfed in crime and violence just consistently like throughout the 60s and the 70s and and fix it hmm and turn it around like at least try well there's a get the gap between the rich and the poor

► 02:04:28

or is growing ever since the 80s it's gotten just out of hand you know the amount the top 1% have 50% of the money or something like that and it's just and everything is setup structurally for that to continue to divide more and more right but are they playing a game right they're playing a game called capitalism and that game is their dominating that game and once they get the money then they keep the money and they pass that money down to their kids and they keep the money how do you change that I mean we could all play

► 02:04:58

a that game right like we could all invest in stock market we can all just really focus entirely on making money or should we not be able to like how do you stop the one percent like these bankers and investment people how do you stop that and how do you stop that in a way where it doesn't seem like you're you know you're changing the rules of the game because some people just psycho good at it and completely dedicated to only making money well you're not changing the rules because the estate

► 02:05:28

was there from day one the founding fathers wanted there to be a very large estate tax they wanted to avoid what happened in Europe which is these building up of these families that are handing down wealth and so these kids you know so I think we need to go back to right now it's like 35 percent or something like that on wealth over 10 million dollars if you're a couple they need to go back to really taking that money back because the Newton what with it though

► 02:05:55

put into schools to start with I would love that if there was like a real logic to how that money got spent right right yeah I would be the problem because if it just went to a bunch of like just if it just went to a bunch of government programs that don't seem to make sense and that are really poorly structured that money gets wasted that would make me sick now I think it has to be job training programs it has to be helping small businesses grow with you know low cost loans

► 02:06:25

but you know the think about these kids that are inheriting a billion dollars what are you ever going to contribute to society as opposed to if you were set up with you went to a private high school you went to a great University you went to a graduate school all of it was paid for you had nannies you were given tutors you should be able to go out and make a good living now yes you don't need that billion dollars right and you will feel so much better if you make your own money yeah so this should be enough money left

► 02:06:54

left you know I'm not I'm not saying take away everybody's money when they die but I'm saying that there's a grotesque amount of money that needs to be pulled back that's one way of at least putting a chip like chip away at it that's one way right that money yeah what's another way

► 02:07:15

what's it mean unless you want like cops or police de occupy these areas like how would you ever stop like at this point in time how would you stop places from being crime-ridden it have to be like a multi-step program where you would slowly but surely implement it and try to slowly but surely chip away at all these problems yeah it's not something you're going to fix overnight because it didn't happen overnight you know right right now there has to be great leadership and there has to be a man

► 02:07:45

you got eight years your president your got four and if you're lucky you get a no I mean local leadership and he tell you know city councilman and you know mayors that are really looking at the community and figuring out and each one's different I feel like if it's that way unless it's federally if it's that way like you're gonna you're dealing with communities that don't have as much money already yeah you know because just by virtue of the fact the crime-ridden and that this is the in poverty-stricken these are communities that are ready to have any money yeah low

► 02:08:15

tax base go back to talking about farts yes when I find a bump I really bummed out when I talk about people that live in poor neighborhoods that don't have a way out because that is one as one thing that really freaks me out like being stuck like the feeling of being stuck I don't know I mean I don't know what it is about that feeling but it's just you see people in ago I was in Colorado Springs once and I saw this homeless couple they were begging for money they had a fucking baby

► 02:08:46

had a baby and it was outside and it was kind of cold was like October and I'll never forget that I'm seeing this homeless couple with a baby I'm like fuck they have a baby and they're homeless God damn it like that that kind of shit freaks me the fuck out yeah people who are just doomed you're stuck like your stock your parents are homeless and you're a baby

► 02:09:15

and usually the parent one of the parents are both of them is mentally ill I mean most homelessness has caused by mental illness know you have do you have addiction which is usually somebody self-medicating to begin with if you got to that point you're usually self-medicating something and it could be a number of things but you know we there used to be

► 02:09:36

do you had institutional your people that were institutionalized because they needed help yet Mental Hospitals yeah your places where the lowest in our society the most vulnerable were taken care of and those were closed and those people are on the street now that was during the Reagan Administration yeah now in ela we now have typhus yeah that's right literally medieval diseases try making a comeback elos this is back

► 02:10:05

there's so many homeless people in La they think it might be as many as 70,000 people every night 70,000 people that's what I heard 70,000 and there's not a fucking single plan that makes any sense to deal with that yeah how do I fix that well the part of the problem is that the you know it's just gotten so expensive to live here you know the real estate is gone through the roof and so people are people that were living on the edge you know paycheck to paycheck all of a sudden you're fucking your out you stay on as many

► 02:10:35

couches you can tell people say look you can't live here anymore yeah and then you're in your car and you know trying to get now you got to get to get back into housing you need to come up with a first last security deposit mmm where the fuck you get in that where are you getting that so we'll definitely happening in some cases and a lot of cases is just drug addicts to write people who are addicted to drugs yeah well one of the things they're finding is that like I work with this group called people concern in Allah and they are trying to get people

► 02:11:05

people into housing transitory housing where they can at least get a shower get some decent clothes we can go on a job interview and and get started where you don't have to pay that first first last and security deposit that's great if you're not mentally ill right you know if you're mentally ill Saul the showers in the world are going to fix Robert William a pariah for that dude now the other guys it's a guy comes the comic store all the time very nice guy who's a the Olga Perpetual open Miker actually kind of funny got some good one liners but he's

► 02:11:35

something wrong yeah and those people need to take medication every day when you're on the street you're not getting it and what they require is that you go to a certain facility every day to get your pills they won't give you the pills right these people are fucking they don't know where they're sleeping that night they can't show up at a certain time and a certain place yeah so they need to have plate and one of the things they found also is when they give people housing it used to be contingent on you staying sober and now they're finding that no get them off the street

► 02:12:05

if they're still using you try to work with them to try to get him into counseling but you don't throw them back out on the street because they're using God fixing people dude fixing people so fucking hard like I did a part of podcast this weekend with Artie Artie Lange yeah he's been sober now for nine months oh yeah yeah he's fucking great his eyes they sparkle he's alive it's great he's right there with you his stories were hilarious story teller out there oh my god dude it was so fun yeah and I

► 02:12:35

just thinking like you know I was so happy to see him so happy to see him sober crying laughing and thinking God damn it I hope he hangs in there yeah I hope you know I hope that you know they were talking about fixing his nose but you know the doctor was like look he's going to be on pain pills if you fix his Donuts they're going to give him medication like it's too soon yeah yeah he needs at least a year of sobriety before he even thinks about doing that but even then you're taking a guy who's a bona fide Atticus self-professed

► 02:13:05

addict and then you're going to give them drugs yeah come on I know you can't do it can't do it now that's got to be some painful surgery I would imagine you'd have to have something now you can take it you yeah yeah you're all right I mean meditation can be as effective as any pain killer if you do it right baby I doubt it I don't think so I bet painkillers away better now people are addicted to medication or meditation all right they're addicted to medication not meditation now I'm happy for

► 02:13:35

really happy for already and I've seen them you know I've said I saw him before he went in and he was a fucking mess yeah really bad and he had been doing good like he was on crashing the two years that I was there and he would come in and the guy was always on time new his lines improved his face off is always fucking great and then you'd hear that he'd gone off again and he was just like man can't you just fucking your so much to offer so smart so talented but he's also a wild man that's one of the

► 02:14:05

reasons why so funny because he's so impulsive and wrangled you know I mean that's just who already is yeah but God damn he's alive right now he's alive and kicking and his fucking eyes are sparkling yeah like you talk to him he's like hi guys right there yeah he was so funny yeah goddamn he was funny it was just so nice to see him and hug him and when someone has gone through hell and back like that like just just to know that he's still there yeah it's so nice and you know like you know we've lost a lot of people you know we know a lot of people are gone

► 02:14:35

there were really great people and really funny people just not around anymore mmm they fucked up Geraldo and I mean you know Mitch Hedberg yeah you can just keep going down that list right right you know yeah it's like it is it's that wild they have to find something to replace a I mean Lenny I heard Lenny on your show he was fucking great I mean that guy not that he was ever like a hard addict but he's been sober for a lot of years and he found ways to replace it and still be a fucking man

► 02:15:05

mad man yeah you know he plays golf like a fucking madman he done he is ever yeah as funny as ever funnier I would say oh my God he's so funny on the podcast yeah he's just rapid-fire yes in his 60s yeah you know it's a wild man yeah yeah I told him to start running I said a lot of addicts they started a these are heels heels I never got that running sigh I remember I ran a little bit I never got that fucking run as I am like he got to run a lot I gotta get in shape and then you do it a lot

► 02:15:35

get used to it yeah the high doesn't kick in right away there's some layers you gotta shed first but it's goes back to what you were talking about earlier but so many of us are looking for a way to twist our Consciousness to do something to just take you out of whatever the fuck the normal sober Consciousness is yeah what's wrong with the regular sober Consciousness and I mean I'm saying this I'm saying this is somebody who struggles with it yeah I feel all the time like

► 02:16:05

reaching for something yeah you know even if it's like I took CBD pills this morning just because it changes me a little bit it fucking keys a little a little bit left you know I'm on the road I'll smoke a little pot why I don't know I just need to be different right now I need my head to change yeah well I think it's the monotony of existential angst to it's just like wearing you down you know you look in the mirror you see a few more lines few more bags his skin is just slowly giving away from you

► 02:16:35

all slowly slowly yeah and we're not going to win this race or no one wins no one wins this thing and that just wears you out sometimes you just want to think about that you have a couple drinks you don't think about any more like 500 Trump don't get hammered yeah see the fights you go to see a game you go to a concert you to drop acid you do something you hit on somebody you would have done that I would have walked up to that fucking hot chick and told her it

► 02:17:05

a joke that way but like the drinks yeah ladies let me buy you a drink come on I can remember trying to hook up sober after being drunk for so much of my life and then getting sober and then trying to hit on girls and like go to bed with a girl while sober was weird I was looking at my body like this get this shitty but I didn't care about anybody when I was drunk I'd walk to the bathroom naked walk back like dick flopping around once you're sober you're like this is really odd I just met this person

► 02:17:35

listen I know it's and that even sex like what is that like you're trying to get some sort of a rush out of that you're trying to escape yeah I know you're trying to pulse of you together yeah yeah we're doing something we're leaving this plane you know you're doing something you're trying to trying to escape whatever this fucking monotonous existences together you're seeing her face a woman that an hour before we sitting at a

► 02:18:05

in a bar may be smiling and thinking to herself always my fight does my smile feel fake or should I be smiling more and now all the sudden she's screaming as she her eyes are rolled back yeah she's in another dimension yeah both of you are yeah and then afterwards you got to deal with each other that is the weirdest thing ever it's like when you really think you're into someone and then you come like oh my god really get out there

► 02:18:30

how much of it is chemical it's such a fucking trick yeah and women are like I you just did that you just pretended you like me so you could have sex with me no I thought I did like you yeah I was I was tricking myself to like I really believed it if you you know if you say a lot of shit that you don't really mean just to fuck some that's a dirty move but so many guys and I've talked to so many guys who Echo this you really think you like them until you come okay

► 02:19:00

and then you like yeah and then whatever was kind of cute before now is an annoying and grating on you it's probably the same with women they probably like thought you liked they liked you to you fuck them and then you're hanging around talking and farting and they like get this guy out of my fucking apartment right biology yeah it's the ultimate trick right you are when you're having sex with someone especially if you're really aroused and you they're really hot and you're really into it and they're into you

► 02:19:29

that is a drug yes it's definitely a drug yeah it's your your oxytocin is through the roof all your fucking pheromones are flying around you smelling each other and you're aroused all your sex hormones are fucking picture yeah blaring you know and it's all it's the number one thing oh yeah that's it I mean we think about thing there's the orgasm and then what second what second in the list of great things that you can experience physically a runners

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yeah you know without drugs just that you can naturally experience it's pretty up it's pretty up there yeah

► 02:20:10

yeah there's not a lot of thing well it's also the the that it's difficult to procure hmm right it's difficult to get someone who's really attractive to like you yeah right I mean it's a reason why you and I are funny yeah right let's be honest like why are why are most men why do they have a sense of humor they have a sense of humor because girls like that and it's a big it's a big one like you can kind of jump through a lot of Hoops he's skip a lot of steps if you're funny yeah if you're a guy and you're funny because you have to be smart to be funny

► 02:20:40

girls like oh he knows how to be funny yeah you know and if they're not funny but they then you're funny you can make them laugh they're like oh yeah just bring this fucking comedian with me everywhere right and I always have my own little show yeah and when she likes you because I like oh she likes me because I'm funny and I'll get funnier yeah work at this yeah be good at this dude when I was in 6th grade me and John your Zach used to do comedy routines for the girls at lunch and we had whole fucking routines like you know like Marx Brothers stuff and Muppet Show shh

► 02:21:10

shit like whatever worked we were up there tap dancing for those girls and they luck Vicki Batman and the rag they loved it so funny and I remember that feeling back then because I was too skinny little kid with red hair and freckles no chicks took they just cared about the guys that were good at sports and all sudden like I'm getting laughs and and I just remember feeling like this is what I want to do this is this is what I need to do yeah you found like you yeah

► 02:21:40

so this is that right it's like when guys see a car like a brand-new Mercedes in a commercial and as a girl with long legs and high heels and she's leaning against the car like oh my God is that girl come with the car if I get the car while I get her yeah I need to get her it's hard to get one of those you get a girl with long legs and high heels and beautiful lips and she's looking at you like she loves you that's so difficult to find so difficult to get most of the time those girls they look right they walk right by you like you don't even exist look at that if I get that watch that why

► 02:22:10

there's a girl staring at that watch loves that wad gotta get that watch and that's like what's used to sell most things like how many things in America in particular are sold by attractive women yeah attractive women in ads attractive women like that we associate if you get this Lamborghini attractive women will be more drawn to you because it's difficult to get a Lamborghini all right this guy can get a Lamborghini that means he's got $300,000 to throw

► 02:22:40

on a stupid car that's probably going to break down yeah Jon Hamm doing those car ads women fucking they want to get in that car with John am Matthew McConaughey look at him look at him look at that house he lives in IQ be in that house I just need to know if I meet him he'll love me I would put a couch over there though it's not enough it's not enough Shrubbery inside the house I fix it kind of a modern painting it just needs a woman's touch then he has sex with and he's like I gotta go

► 02:23:10

but I thought but it's your house we are forever yeah the the ultimate biological trick if they ever see that's what's going to be really weird like if you look at aliens right what's the the iconic alien they have the big heads they have these little boy like bodies long fingers no dicks yeah there's nothing there right because that's probably what happens in the future yeah the future we all figure out listen we are being tricked left and right by our dicks

► 02:23:40

us and our vaginas and our sex hormones are talking us into nonsense when we could just be enlightened and we could travel the Galaxy together but we got to get past all this sex stuff this biological sex stuff and you can you can have an orgasm in your own brain here with your list new phone iPhone 72 yeah and just press the button and they get that out of your system good now we don't need sex anymore yeah and we don't need our mouths either we need to talk with our brains just you know big giant head with tiny slit for a mouth mmm

► 02:24:10

like remember that Woody Allen movie sleepers and they have the orgasmatron oh yeah and you just pass it around and then you have an orgasm and then you move on that was it you mean you think about how much work is involved in trying to get an orgasm like how much energy people spend and then though the seduction right you meet someone at a bar can I buy you a drink okay let me like that cigarette you can't do that anymore but that was a thing right like light the girls cigarette by a

► 02:24:39

drink oh he's so Charming oh oh thinking maybe dance is not a mating dance let's dance watch me shake my hips I'm going to look as you know how to dance a guy who doesn't know how to dance probably sucks and bad yeah that guy can fucking dance and dance but I'm sure one in me it's time to breed I'm going to breed with a conqueror a man who could dance in those are the light a cigarette he could kill somebody for me he's big he's big

► 02:25:10

knows how to think he knows that we gotta get out of here troubles Brewing he's a protector woman again is nice car I can drive fast woman lives in top of the hill whoo he's got a good spot we can see the enemies coming from the long way that's right yeah so weird people I mean that's our business is like getting people to like us right as a big part of what our business is our business is like saying

► 02:25:39

I'm funny shit so people like us yeah another people do different things like some girls they just work on the squats you know just go to the gym a lot so the people like them more than a sticks out more get more attention

► 02:25:52

all right some people just funny some people they acquire thing some people acquire Power Respect influence yeah which I watch this nature special on the what are those animals that hang upside down in Australia

► 02:26:12

that's now they're like furry their furry and cute wallabies no bounce around for you what they're called but wombats now they got they've got them I got them here too I think but anyway this motherfucker is on one side of the river and he can hear a mating call from the other side of the river and he's slow as shit sloth sloth it's not so this God here's the female sloth and he fucking they and I don't know where they get these cameras from but they watch this guy go down

► 02:26:42

the tree across a limb into the water can't swim for shit this fucking Rapids he makes his way across all the logs he can hear that gets across climbs on it takes like two days and then he finds this other spot and he climbs on top of her a couple shakes of the head yeah who's this bitch but now he can think now the girl little guy can think about Jesus she wants to eat my fruit fuck out here it's my fruit bitch

► 02:27:15

so let's talk about that star that was shining last night because I was entertainment back then but what it's a even weirder dance for a girl because a girl has to figure out whether or not this guy is going to be around right she's going to let this guy shoot one inside of her and then what if she gets pregnant and now this asshole she has to rely on him and what is he going to be around is he gonna sloth-like she can't she like there's a going to be a lot of time or she

► 02:27:42

dedicate to taking care of this kid maybe she can hold that down a full-time job maybe she can't but there's a lot of fucking resources that need to be dedicated towards raising these children is someone going to help am I going to be doing this on my own like women have to be really fucking careful really careful imagine if guys got pregnant every time we fucked mmm oh my God yeah I had a joke about that abortion would be an app on your phone because it would like if we got pregnant

► 02:28:12

the fuck out of here oh yeah yeah morning-after pills would just be on the bedside table every morning they'll be everywhere they give them to you at hotels like they leave mints on the bed yeah chocolates yeah leave fucking Plan B pills there would be no kids zero kids had to be two of us women love children they're nurturing you're capable yeah we're like some women but some women don't want to get boxed into that either yeah which is in some guys don't want to get some guy look I love

► 02:28:42

no father I know you love being a father but we all have friends that have like a bunch of them that have vasectomies they don't want to have kids fuck that yeah okay that's okay that's all okay there's plenty of people it's great that you know you don't yeah I mean I don't even know if you know you don't because maybe you think you don't because you haven't had it I mean a kid will change the way your fucking brain works yeah and a lot of times for the better it made me a way nicer person yeah way nicer and made me way more considerate of people's positions to

► 02:29:12

because I used to think of people always as being static like oh this is Greg he's 52 he's always been 52 this Woody is I mean I know him and talk to him right now now I look at people and I go oh Greg he's to be a baby he was a baby like what did how did what what what weird circumstances befell him what fucking weird pitfalls and traps and weird things entered it to his life what weird people fucked him over what weird people lied to him stole from him

► 02:29:42

what how did he get to be This Bitter person right now hate to use your name there I didn't mean yeah fine come on big guy you're not I realize halfway and I've created a scenario that's wholly unlike you but you know it's I think of people now in a different way I used to think of people angry people used to think of them as I'll fuck that idiot but now I go all that fucking guy he got he got fucked over yeah they got fucked over that's the most of them nest of them got fucked over that could have been me it'll be me easily or just have a bad chemical makeup you know some people are just

► 02:30:12

fucking ADHD I think that they're not caring friends because they don't remember to call you whatever it's like that guy's trying to get his shoelaces tied yeah or maybe he's OCD and he can't wait to wash his hands again or maybe he's got Alzheimer's and he can't remember whether he washed his hands you don't mean this most people are trying their best yeah and I think a big part of what's wrong in this world is that we're dealing with a lot of communication that's not face to face a lot of them a lot of it

► 02:30:42

whether it's you know he said she said shit we're like you know you have a problem with this guy and then another guy tells you he said some shit about you what did he say fuck that guy he said that I'll tell you what really happened instead instead of like you being alone with that guy well what happened what do you think happened what I think happened is this and that you like well that's definitely not what happened because of this and then he's gonna go oh I didn't know that well I didn't want it I don't know I'm didn't want to fuck you over I'm not trying to fuck you over hmm well I thought you were okay

► 02:31:13

well now I understand why you were behaving the way you were behaving well could bullets We're Men here let's talk you know like I don't like I don't want any enemies I want friends or let's yell a little bit till so yeah let's figure this out but so much of today that is excluded from the formula so much of today is people dealing with emails like how much can be like I had to put out a fire between two friends in an email recently or one person was upset upset

► 02:31:42

because they thought some person was doing something shitty to them I'm like no no no that's not that's not what happened like okay let me explain I'll do my best but there's a whole reason everyone anyone's having this conversation is because you guys weren't talking in front of each other you know and then there's this Wonder like how is that guy what is he saying about me when I'm not around what has he feel about me did you feel like you got over on me does he feel like he did he fuck me over did he disrespect me

► 02:32:09

so much of it is like we're not supposed to communicate any other way other than like you and I are doing right now look at each other in the eyes I know you're not full of shit you know I'm not full of shit and we get to talk that's how people are supposed to be in a little village where you know you just if you had a problem you talk to that person and if you were a shitty person if you are acting shitty everybody knew you were shitty yes and you got a little bit ostracized for it yes yes definitely there was correction and gossip was healthy a little bit

► 02:32:39

suppose good it was good it was like going hey that's Bill he rapes yeah that's the gossip today this guy likes to get 5 pounds of ground beef stuffed up his ass right hey I don't know why you need to fart because Johnny over there he'll give you five bucks if you fucking throw it in his face he likes it what yeah he's gonna beat off while you fart that's it that's what he likes he does want you to touch him

► 02:33:03

just fart in his face and then kick him in the balls you know he's feeding her watch those videos of guys that like they liked it and yeah I say that I mean they really get kicked in the ball like hard Saddam I from that guys get their balls stomped with Stilettos that's a really common thing stomped a guys lose testicles yeah I know a guy lost a testicle because you got kicked and he didn't have a cup on and he was sparring just like he's like I'll do one more round so he Spa

► 02:33:33

is any gets slammed in the fucking sack with a shin and he's testicle burst

► 02:33:40


► 02:33:42

these guys are just letting some chicks stomp on them with a stiletto heel yeah as fucking around with Dave Vada one time when I was in like tenth grade and we were wrestling around and he reached down and grabbed my balls really hard and squoze I'm like a fucking night was a little bit of a nut and I remember laying on the ground for like 10 minutes being in like the most severe pain I've ever been in my life

► 02:34:08

dude I thought it was sterile for a long time because he getting kicked in the balls I've been kicked in the balls it least a hundred times hard by black belts like I've been kicked in the balls dude like many many many times they try to kick in the balls no no you Clash yeah like say if you're throwing a kick with your right leg and I'm throwing a kick with my right leg we throw them at the same time and you just were moving weird sometimes it just goes right in the sack yeah sometimes a

► 02:34:38

will deflect you know like someone will be hitting you and you're trying to hit them in the chest but inadvertently they catch part of your leg and it redirects it right towards their balls cups don't really cover your balls that's the they do new ones do yeah they all want there's a there's a new well there's a company called Diamond MMA and I wear their cup when I do Jiu Jitsu and it's a compression short with all these straps built in and it's cup that it's got like

► 02:35:08

more flexible foam rubber rubber on the outside and then a very hard rubber that covers the like the outside edge rather and a very hard rubber that covers like those sack and then the dick and then it fits very snugly to your body and you could you can get kicked in the balls pretty hard with wow yeah it's a giant Improvement yeah but when I was a kid we didn't have that now we had a cup that slid into a jockstrap and a barely held in place and one time I was

► 02:35:38

tournament and I got kicked in the ball so fucking I was pretty sure this guy did it on purpose he was he was a mean fuck I was fighting this Korean dude he was very good and very mean and I'm pretty sure he kicked me in the balls on purpose because I punched him in the face on purpose right afterwards I was pretty sure yeah but my ball my cup slammed into my ball so the cop did worse than protect me then not protect me it actually became a weapon against my ball

► 02:36:08

right so the cup slammed into my ball my ball swole up it was awful it was so it was what were those cups protecting pretty much your shaft but not your ball they do protect your balls a little bit under the ideal circumstances like something comes at it straight on and it hits the cup it's way better the hit the cup than it is to hit your balls by themselves it's definitely better but take a bicycle helmet they made Taekwondo cups that we used to wear on the outside that we're even better because you wear them you do

► 02:36:38

your your pants on you're like your GE pants and then you would put the cup on over the pants and it was there were like more sturdy and they would tie on they would hold them in place it was a little more material there so it's like it would cover your your junk better yeah but still

► 02:36:58

Sac is it's a fucking terrible design it is a bad design outside dangling in midair just waiting to be hurt if you ever sit on your ball oh yeah oh yeah you ever cut your dick in a zipper no never know oh my God we're underwear that's done I'd gone fucking Commando before my dick in his ever yeah he's like the crown know the shaft somewhere in the the side of the shaft I caught in the zipper it was

► 02:37:28

eating no sex for a while after that because then you have to explain yeah like what's on your dick fucking caught in the zipper you fucking liar you fucking like you're gonna give me a disease just such a piece of shit that's why they invented button fly yeah probably right well I think butterfly was first was it yeah I think the old device I think they were all button fly they had figured out zippers yeah like zippers like a list guess when you think

► 02:37:58

I invented the zipper

► 02:38:00

I want to say like the 1800s yeah I think the I thought the original Levi's jeans had zippers don't think so now I think the originally I think that's why they call them the original button fly right like 501s usual 501 jeans yeah button flies I remember dry humping I was a fucking dry hump were in junior high school man I'm a machine dude I would go all night I would get it I was I was gifted and you know Yugi you try to get your cock right

► 02:38:30

right in the middle there right in the spot and then I was perfect and I remember one time getting a scab I got so raw at a scab on it Jesus yeah did you not from dry humping a couple times but I was pretty restrained we got a if you dry hump the right way to do it is with silk pajamas oh no wonder where nice right you see guess I could go back in time yeah we talked to my old self

► 02:39:00

hey dickhead you're gonna get some corduroy is you showing up at some girl's house she's in eighth grade dad answers the door why are you wearing silk pajama pants I'm just really into so read a lot about trade China is Irene here she comes down where are you wearing underwear you piece of shit what

► 02:39:30

huh you think I'm stupid I'm married I have children all right I've had sex you little fuck I know what you're doing you want to dry hump my kid hmm she comes down she's wearing silk pajamas the fuck is going on here no way can I yeah dry humping man good old days yeah number you grab a tittie or so happy can't believe him holding at it outside the shirt I was yeah yeah outrageous yeah you're so happy like this

► 02:40:00

is so much better than not holding at it yeah it's as good as it gets and then if you if you were a girl I felt bad for girls back then because how annoying when it be that somebody's just grabbing know what you're talking about call me right now that you just grabbing their tit and you can't stop like your she's got a Braun you wedged your hand under her bra and you just grabbing just squeezing yeah that's not pleasurable for her no

► 02:40:28

definitely not but they did it maybe she didn't like it maybe she's like the fact she's naughty yeah so naughty I couldn't fathom that girls were enjoying fooling around for a long time I really thought that they were just do being nice to I couldn't imagine the girls like boys like why do you even like me yeah like why do you like boys boys are so gross yeah you know I remember being a kid thinking that man I'm so happy the girls like boys

► 02:40:58

don't understand it he doesn't make sense why would they like us we don't it's we don't have any of the good things that they have yeah they have tents at the it wet

► 02:41:10

we're ready were dirty gross they were makeup we don't they're gross we're stupid there were dumb as fuck if we are Dumber To like the whole process of men developing and getting testosterone and going through the whole cycle of adulthood it's just a fact that women mature quicker they're smarter at an earlier age so when you're 15 you got to have a 14 year old girlfriend because you have 15 year old girlfriend she's like you fucking idiot damn

► 02:41:40

get someone smarter yeah if I get someone smarter like if you're if you like how many guys who are 18 have a 17 year old girlfriend a lot yeah yeah but how many guys who are 18 have a 19 year old girlfriend 19 year old girls don't want to have anything to do with an 18 year old more on now no they're smarter already yeah they're looking for a 22 year old yep - oh it's so true like my daughter said that she's like I can't she goes I can't even talk to guys my age yes once a couple of Agents they're smarter yeah

► 02:42:09

don't have to go through that hole that's testosterone thing hmm just really all you're thinking about getting rid of loads yeah you're barely thinking about anything else studying school I know Jesus oh yeah it was pretty much playing sports and having an orgasm that was that was high school yes and as soon as you found out about orgasms Sports took a backseat yeah a big backseat yeah nice to a bit about that my dad's okay I'll give me not playing

► 02:42:39

spawning more yeah I found this new thing and I'm way better at this I like it more it's more fun

► 02:42:49

I always win every game every time you come you win yay the crowd cheers it's like tripe make America great again yes if you come you win you went along as the girls not mad at you yeah if you come to girls like what the fuck you like yeah shit now my good moment is done yeah yeah has to be well placed dude it's already 6 p.m. we were not Jesus Christ really yeah

► 02:43:19

it's bitch up Greg tell everybody where you going to be oh she's hilarious time and comedy going to be at the punchline in San Francisco this week oh shit when my favorite clubs of all time it's the best and then I'm coming up I'm going to be in Kansas City after that and then I'm going to be in Denver Philadelphia Cincinnati Atlantic City go to fits dog.com get all your tickets for all those places whoo see you tomorrow folks bye everybody

► 02:43:49

much love

► 02:43:50

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dot-com / Rogan thank you thank you to you all thank you to everybody much love to you and bye