#1376 - Artie Lange

Nov 4, 2019

Artie Lange is a stand-up comedian and actor, best known for his tenures on The Howard Stern Show and the sketch comedy series Mad TV.

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ladies and gentlemen my guest today is a fucking awesome stand-up comedian a beautiful person and one of my favorite people on the planet Earth please welcome the Great and Powerful Artie Lange

The Joe Rogan Experience trained by day Joe Rogan podcast finite time we run or I wasn't we're rolling first of all before we get started I want to say thank you too Louis J Gomez for hooking us up with shout-out to the Legion of skanks without them we would be nothing yeah absolutely hey man what's up Joe Rogan's brother hey I'm alive you're a lot look man I've been following this whole everybody's been following you yeah but that's first

thanks for being so nice you're very supportive Joe I mean that means a lot to me I'm happy to see how healthy a thank you you look good your face looks good yeah thin you look you look healthy you look like you're vibrant yeah no I'm present I talked to Dennis hell and David tell came to visit me in rehab and he said your present you don't want to leave every five seconds yeah it's just what cocaine does to you right you know so now I feel good I feel good I mean it's I got nine months clean that's amazing

and yeah that's amazing two days ago when I month what's the hump like what do they say you have to get over before you can stay clean well first of all my drug history is insane it started when the first time I got high and I tell these young kids because you know I'm 52 now so I was in you know I was in rehab and jail and a halfway house the last eight months and with some of the craziest motherfuckers you've ever met in your life and they all have stories

once they know my story because I had some success in life basically as a full-blown junkie they're fascinated by it right and the first time I got high was 1979 okay Jimmy Jimmy Carter was President so when you tell a 22 year old kid that don't like blown away that I'm even alive and I am too I was I hit a home run in Little League I'll never forget this and I my buddies older brother we still call this kids see

look Jack I don't know what happened to him but he he had the me a joint and I took a puff of a weed and from 11 years old I knew I loved it so much I just love being I love the feeling of being out of control you talk to a normal person I go I hate being out of control I loved it I loved like wow and you have an excuse for it I was fucked up that's the thing yeah excuse for being wild an excuse for just being a screw-up till you know and my old man

was a lunatic he was not a drug addict or an alcoholic but he was a criminal you know it was a low-level criminal he came to the streets of Newark and got to like the tenth grade and high school and he was like my favorite human being of all time he was like my older brother but I saw him do a lot of bad shit you know I saw him fight all the time he was a boxer when he was young and just the real street smart guy and his life was

chaos and I love the chaos I was addicted to risk that's why I'm a gambler too so when cocaine came into my life a few years later I was 16 the first time I did a lot of blow and that was really fun because now you're up all the time and and that started basically a 35-year drug run that didn't end like nine months ago I mean I don't know if it's ended you know that's the thing I don't put pressure on myself I'm like it's one that one day at a time stuff it sounds so cliche

but I take it one minute at a time I can't guarantee people I'm never gonna get high again I just know I'm not going to get hired the next 10 minutes and I don't want to see her again there is there is there a risk of saying that you don't know if you're ever going to get high again like you've got won't the direct opposite is true that's what they tell you in a program like Narcotics Anonymous and again I'm not some big program guide and in turn to some God guy anything like that but I'm a little more spiritual I would say and you know it's all stuff you know you should tell me the last time I was on

- oh you know you're telling me to try to live right yeah like you know exercise anything anything to get you to today that's positive you know I in other words by saying you'll never get high again and I used to do that all the time when you really bullshitting yourself and everybody else you put a lot of pressure on yourself you know like I like to say even these young kids these poor kids man are looking at a lot of jail time prison time delivered under a fucking Bridge somebody's kids

they got nothing that's why you know the careers of me and you have a congratulations on you everything you've done Joe man you just said you're a solid guy a great talent but you know the careers we have our such blessings I mean we're living out a dream you know and these kids have nothing and for a 23 year old kid to say in a group therapy session anywhere I'm never going to get high again it's daunting to say you're never going to do anything again of that and even for me at

two years old I love it you got to say I love I love being high I love the chaos I love the lifestyle you get addicted to the lifestyle to could you live like you don't live like everybody else you know and I had a means of making money legally

and you know these kids how to rob to get all the shit and and so that was enabling to we live in an enabling world but to say you're never going to get high again is so much pressure to say I don't know and just work on the next day and for me it's like I take it minute by minute literally I got higher like we're on the Lower East Side of Manhattan right now I got high everywhere here back in the 80s I used to come here and my buddies older brother and

get mescaline hits ludes back in the day you know we'd and Washington Square Park blow so there's triggers all over the place so I just say if I can get this one more just get one more block without fucking up that turns into a day and in time you know so it's harder to say for yourself I never got high again what was the longest you went before this nine months trudge it feels like the last time

my at nine months clean I was nine months old no I okay in the late 90s I came out of LA County Jail well again the first time I got arrested for I got arrested for attempted bank robbery when I was 17 years old I wrote a bank teller a joke note that said I have a gun and I went to jail and I got on probation I asked his talent for $50,000 whoa and and

she started to give me the money and she puts you she hit the silent alarm I was with my girlfriend at the time I was 17 she was 18 so a SWAT team showed up to our house we just left and we had the money I didn't take the money I don't you started to give me the money but again this is my fucked-up personality flaw I I was like wow I'm going to get 50 G's you know and she started to give it to me but then something said I can't do this I took the note I gave her and I crumble it up I said I'm just kidding and I threw it in a garbage can I get my girlfriends

our and she drives away she goes what happened and even tell her I go out and I know it's bullshit they had her name because she on the couch he's an adult oh jeez and the SWAT team shows up at her house so we both get arrested were handcuffed and I go to jail she I say and her old man I think was connected it was like a mob guy and he sat me down and he goes when you rob a bank you know take my daughter you never problem robbing a bank

had a problem that I took his daughter I don't take women when you rob a bank and I wasn't trying to raise your butt but again I just loved the the action yeah that's why I love gambling so I go out to LA I get mad tv now making 10 grand a week and I got a bad cocaine problem and I started gambling the first Tyson Holyfield fight I lost $25,000 I thought Tyson was going to fucking

and Quincy Jones who produce MADtv got us ring side seats at the fight and I lose 25 Grand on a fight another eight granted the tables I get blow I take it on a plane back to LA at one o'clock in the morning I take a swing at a cop and I go to LA County jail for a trying to assault the car and he found that eight ball okay so I had an eight ball of coke on me I take a swing at a cop and that's my last day of admit TV oh Jesus like what year was this this is

in 96 right after we did that sketch of Matthew which is like 95 I think that was 96 it was 96 a second season okay which is funny to watch because it's so fucking long ago it's about about a month after that we did we tape that sketch I got arrested wow and so I go to LA County I come out a Lee County I'm on probation and I got to take urine test and everything so I got clean so to answer your question I had almost a year clean at that point

and then after that it was off to the races again so nine months is the second longest I've had clean since I'm 11 years old know what are you doing for Thrills like do you have to replace the Joe Rogan podcast you have to do something to replace well feeling okay gambling or because you're not gambling right that's an excellent question no I can't I can't do anything right because it escalates right that's alright it escalates if I put a $5 bet on a roulette table right now by tomorrow morning I'd be running guns to Cuba

I have a human trafficking ring everything the Badness just gets worse and worse but I can't have a beer right right and that's hard to that's hard to admit to yourself to you know I mean I can't have one beer and it took me a long time to grab that concept some people can't so I've had moments where you could have one beer and your life will give you ever gone when I grab a slice of pizza have a couple beers and that's it yeah watching a game but the problem is I mix vices

I tell us when I was a longshoreman at the port and or okay for a couple of years I was the orange juice beer this happened twice I had a bookie I used to gamble with so drinking and Coke and gambling does not mix well that's why to give you free drinks at the casino because you've messed up yeah so I'm for Monday Night Football the bookie took bets up till 8 o'clock kickoff was nine o'clock so at 5:30 right after I got out of work I would call a book and I would say give me give me $1,000 on

the Giants play the Cowboys give me a thousand of the Giants then I start drinking 7:30 comes around I forget I made the bet two separate times I bet on the other team at 7:30 I called the book and I said give me the Cowboys so all I could do was lose The Vig Jesus were so this happened twice so the bookie book He's taped all your calls and they destroy the tape at the end before it because the cops get a boat what they do is they have a calls on

in case you have a like you have a dispute I got a bet that he goes I got you on tape doing it so I said to the bookie why did you let me do that he goes cause you got to learn A Life Lesson I go thanks mr. bookie the forgetting me A Life Lesson you know I'm trying to win money and he goes I got a tape you at 5:30 make it a bet so at 5:30 I'm like well articulate I go yeah give me the Giants laying 7 over the Cowboys committee on their over 41 give me a dime which is a thousand miles just hears you at 7:30 give me the fucking cowboy

boys I want the Cowboys of the under par land and you hear him try to put you just bet the Giants fuck you know I didn't Shake on the phone give him again boys I'm a cowboy Guy Mitchell goes the cowboy fude took me interview so he's a bookie try to give me life coaching oh my God so so what happens is if I would go have the one beer on a Tuesday night in February to sports bar then I realized

your Tech is playing in a college basketball game I bet Virginia Tech then I have two beers then I got Coke then it's over so your question is a great question what do I do Phil what are you replacing it with that's that's where this business which is taking me back now I think 11 times it was my 11th come back I have fans that I got that you know through MADtv in the Stern Show of course that are so loyal stand up stand up this this business you're doing what we're doing right now 12

it to another funny guy while of bullshit and making money doing comedy I have a gig tonight in Poughkeepsie I'm going to Poughkeepsie yeah and I'm gonna get onstage and talk to people for an hour and make a lot of money doing it they do bananas now doing a place called laugh it up laugh it up in the kitchen so yeah I did the bananas think a bunch of Titan but so so you know that that

that's yeah that's what I'm grabbing onto right now because women I've lost three I say this all the time I lost three fiance's because of heroin heroin saved me a lot of money I dodged three Torpedoes with that the heroin was way less expensive than a divorce so you know right now I cling to my work comedies the only thing that hasn't abandoned me yes you know in a lot of ways and you know there's businesses you know the keeps taking me back you know a lot of people are addicts they get really

addicted like Marathon running right have you ever thought of doing some point okay well you it's like a crazy idea but you if you could think you could run a block I mean you run to yeah actually you know you run a mile yeah actually you know you I'm going to do a 5k well I do I do a bit about this in my stand-up back when the first time I tried to get off heroin Des Des Des trainer who I hired this kid he said you know I guarantee you a heroine high is not as good as a running High

and I said to him have you ever tried heroin he goes just thing to say because he goes no I go well then you're not qualified to be in this fucking conversation because I've done heroin and on occasion I've run and it's not even close so when will you get a running how you got to be in really good shape and you know she got to run 120 feet yeah yeah well lat yeah I mean I mean do you run this is that what you yeah yeah but I mean I would love to get that kind of thing in my life I died again I'm at way healthier than I

ever was in a long time where you living I live in Hoboken New Jersey yeah there's gotta be a place near there yeah not this point there's nothing that's the thing about nowadays young Comics like forget about the drug culture if a 25-year old comedian has some gluten he starts to freak out let me go to still go to Alcoholics Anonymous and gluten my mistake so there's nothing but healthy shit going on hmm in Hoboken it's not to put young people jogging Pilates yoga you know it isn't it

I'd laugh you know I'm starting to get addicted to yeah can get addicted I'm for sure addicted to exercise I know that I don't know about you for a long time but it can help you yeah well that that getting something like that my life would be the ultimate turn around yes yeah because I love sports I'm a good athlete I was an All-State baseball player and I could shoot hoops I was playing a lot of basketball in jail

yeah I was running full courts and I got an outside shot like crazy and but I'm the kind of guy I have hand-eye coordination I could gain weight playing basketball I don't even move I just shoot the ball right the running thing is something I you know I gotta releasing endorphins yes what you just said she that's a very insightful question because the whole the whole thing is substituting the hi-yah with something out finding something else you're obsessed with yeah my life I've always been obsessed with things

luckily none of them have been bad right you know it's just like Ben but it's the same personality the same personality that could have led me to be a junkie let me just get obsessed with martial arts or yeah comedy or I wish I got addicted to martial arts heroin yeah I mean I struggle with video games yeah cool like anything that's like that I could get better at well that's with you know it's funny I everything in my life went back to drugs you know I love shooting pool to yeah I'm good yeah

we played when we were at my studio yeah I found that when I did cocaine I was better at pool because I focus on yeah you've got a lot of guys take amphetamines yeah and you have this hand eye coordination gets better so you're playing nine boilers of the actually what I have a movie script I'm trying to write quote booger sugar 9-ball where a guy gets way better he becomes the best and I will tell her I'm okay so as to keep getting money playing pool to school the best guys from back in the day they were all taking amphetamines like buddy hall and all these like yeah Champions yeah they were all they were all drug addict

quickly and days and days at a time yeah well as at the movie The Hustler with that we're gases they could play for and I know that that was boom that was just booze but these guys really did do that I mean these guys played for they got on pills and they played for days the key is what you said Obsession yes Obsession I get obsessed over woman I'm dating yes I get obsessed over you know if anything I like yeah I don't want to stop ya want to keep rewarding myself does the situation you know you're a you're a very successful guy so is someone going to

able to tell you I was making all this money and I'm taking care of people around me support people around me and so who's going to tell me to stop right you know that is always a problem that's a problem I got my people it's a real problem yeah like I make millions of dollars a year yeah fuck you something's going right yeah I'm not going to stop right then what happened is I got I got legal consequences like I've never had before so your situation now like you can't if you test positive at all for anything you're

I could go to jail like even if like I smoked a joint in this room with you if it came up I mean that's that's you know everybody again I'm on this thing called drug court which is like probation on steroids it's kind of new it's only 20 years old the premise of it is there's not a lot of guys with my charges I right now I have a third degree possession charge right now and because the the the charge in la la is so long ago that was

Angel of my record so technically I got a first-time offense third degree not a lot of guys with that little of a charge get drunk or drugged quarters for people who can't stop robbing people because in other words they were putting everybody in jail for robbing stuff and they link that behavior back to drug use they were stealing that support their drug app so they get all these robberies on the jacket and they go okay to try to help you instead of giving your prison when he gave you this thing called drug court but you got a report like like I gave

Buren's this week yeah so if I if I got high first of all my situation because I'm well-known the second I give cleaner and cleaner and cleaner and then 130 it's all over you know yeah the news now with they why did they give you such a harsh sentence if it's just possession II don't really know are they trying to make an exact I think that's part of it yeah because you know every time when I got the first charge was just regular probation and I got no new charges

ages or anything it was all these technical violations because I kept pissing dirty and eventually after I feel that they gave me drug court but you know again I got no problem with the people in the legal so what is what is your feeling on look what works how do you get someone in a few is it being scared is it that Spa rashing but you got you gotta want to do it right and you want to do it right now but wasn't because they threatened you with so much I mean is there it when I'm trying to get at is is there like a method to this that makes

any sense which is imposed are supposed to be but the okay the premise I think the best thing about jail for a drug addict is

it actually locks you away from the drugs for a little while because she now cocaine made my life chaos for a long time but when heroin came into the game forget it lights out heroin is if I saw some kid thinking about trying heroin for the first time I would tackle them I would do anything to get them to stop because the only way to stop this there's opioid Crisis Prevention you know doctors became pushers when Roxy's and stuff like that you know drug companies it's a lot of money you know yeah on the legal

illegals out of it so once once heroin gets in your system

you need it every eight hours you needed every eight hours like it's oxygen so you become desperate withdrawals are insane so is it insane like what is it like it's Insanity well okay when I became you know again my story on the Howard Stern Show the big headline at the end of why I left that show was and I speak sometimes and NA meetings and I try to get this through young people's heads

I was basically a full-blown junkie on the biggest radio show of all time yeah I mean that's the headline that's what you know son I know if on the air but I also had a full-time stand-up comedy schedule so my life became the kind of chaos that not many human beings have ever seen so I would I would have gigs in Pittsburgh Phoenix and Detroit three weeks in a row then I got to get back at 6 a.m. to be honest arm now I was by the end I was so paranoid to bring drugs on a plane but I needed the help

when to get on stage because the sickness of picture the flu times 10 that's what that's what withdrawals are and there's there's a takes all the emotional pain your mask and comes back so it withdrawals are a living hell so when you see the withdrawals common you see the heroin getting out of your system you're like okay it's going to get really bad then you realize most people can't leave the room then you realize you got to do five radio shows a week and then you got to fly to Detroit and do stand-up on a

today night so when I landed in Detroit I wouldn't have heroin so my life became a dance of like I would land in every city and I would say I would I would get in a cab and I'd say the cab driver I need Kitt Kitt I need heroin I got a score otherwise I can't do the show sometimes a guy would recognize me and and want tickets to the show I would go to the worst part of the troit okay or the worst part of anywhere anywhere any City and try to find that heroin because in a

our I got to be on stage and in 20 minutes I'm going to be deathly sick when I say sick like shitting my pants throwing up so this is you're getting there no connections no connections now it's not whoever not score yeah I used to call them I used to call them dopesick sets because withdrawals they call it dope sickness and I one time I was on stage in Orlando Florida added to an hour half an hour into my set I realize I'm gonna shit my pants in front of 2000 people so I said

okay in my head and like you know with your act sometimes you got jokes you could do like a robot so I'm just I'm just going through the motions you say this and I'll get a laugh you say it's a look at left I realized I'm going to shit my pants okay in front of 2000 people so I said there's two choices I can either say guys I got to go to the bathroom listen to some music and go shit or shit my pants in front of mm did you shit your pants no II said play a song and I did you tell them

you going to see your pad came back and I said I was gonna shit my pants okay this is start fans ago it would have been funnier if you shit your pants like a Stern fencer knows about the shit my pants for the last half hour of the show is like them yelling shit your pants yeah they're a particularly ruthless I remember I saw you at the Lex the Luxor in Vegas yeah when the first times I ever saw you in front of a Stern fan right like this turn fan group right there they're ruthless it's crazy it's crazy they and then they

I say that they love you but then the screaming shit out and you know in Vegas is another again so that became my life the chaos was insane what do you think it was encouraged to like the people in Kurt they did they enjoy the fact that you were off the rails some people do yeah some people didn't become because of that do you think that like you identified with that like this is who I am this is what I do that's a great question absolutely part of me said maybe this is my thing yeah you know and that's that's you bullshitting yourself

because that's also you saying it's a reason to continue yes you know I could keep fucking up because this is how I make money yes and this is my a lot of money a lot of money yeah I mean I okay the the most money I ever did make him stand up stand up most money I made it was actually at Mandalay Bay Super Bowl Eve 2007 this is example of my life and one night I made a hundred forty Grand to understand okay I got 70 grand for two shows I did two shows I'm on the plane

I'm flying back from Vegas I'm doing the math between the gamble the drugs and hookers I lost a hundred and forty five thousand

okay so when I got home my account when I was gonna give a check for a hundred forty Grand I should I need five G's oh Jesus Christ I made a hundred forty thousand dollars and a night one night my father climb roofs for a living okay he never made that in 30 years and and then I'm going back to co-host the biggest radio show ever and I lost a hundred but I had a ten thousand dollar hooker who looked like a young Carmen Electra and and

I lost money playing craps I lost on the game and and the drugs I bought Jesus I was down $145 so after I paid out my commission to the ages the weekend cost me like 40 Grand if you put this in a book

yeah I don't know if that story is in the book I'm right I wrote another book in jail to I don't know the fourth book good it's called ripping and running and I'm trying to get a deal I'm trying I'm trying to get a deal for the fuck wouldn't give you a deal for that Jesus Christ that's just one fucking story of sure yeah of Madness yeah that's the thing about those stories is there so great like it's such a catch-22 right right like the stories are so amazing and

and people love you for those stories but they also want you to be clean well here's the thing so so that's the Catch-22 you know and I'm saying to myself so again the answer your original question is a is the on if I want to be honest with you right now the reason the thing that got me the method I'm using now are consequences if I didn't have jail hanging over my head I don't know what would happen today but I think I'm far enough out of getting hot like I got it's the drugs are finally out of my fucking system there's other drugs they

that are basically legal dope there's a thing called Suboxone which is an opiate blocker but it's dope it was a duty and it stops you from getting high on heroin but it stops the withdrawals to so you also get high you know it's an opioid yeah but it's legal it's all if you're on what they cost a box and maintenance you you can pee with that and your urine and you'll be all right if they know you're on it but you're getting hot so we're

you're getting high it's like methadone right methadone we still have these guys would come to the pool hall we'd call the methadone Ian's yeah there we go down the street they'd get their methadone they'd come to the pool hall need to just be zombies okay another story about Methadone for a little while I took methadone at a methadone clinic while I was on Howard because I was desperately trying to get off heroin but look again the only difference to methadone and heroin is legality light like once the courts are cool with one for some reason and the other ones illegal I mean if you have no legal

issues why not just keep doing heroin and makes no fucking sense probably better for you heroin is the one drug that doesn't affect any organ like the way people die on heroin is you you overdose but like look at Keith Richards I mean he just got good shit you got Pure shit yeah and he never OD'd and died so like he's almost preserved it kind of doesn't affect your liver nothing like that so so there's no real Health consequences other than over other than really other than OD and and

the withdrawals because it becomes a part of your body it's not like it's again I'm not recommending it it's a living hell I'm sure it's a living out the lifestyle in the people that get into your life because of it but so a couple of times I went to a methadone clinic that opened at 6 a.m. because the guy was a fan of stern he would let me come into the methadone clinic at 5:30 and get I took a they give to you an orange juice okay take a shot of orange juice with the methadone

twice I threw up on the air and one time again I was never funnier off the shit than this Howard was talking I think it was Roseanne Barr and Howard said are you look thin she was on the phone and I'm nauseous like this timing I feel like I'm gonna throw up and I got a live mic and she goes yeah and I've been exercising and he goes what you been doing she goes

well I get an eye getting a two-piece bathing suit now as soon as she said that you know as soon as and how is what I was doing it to be funny go sure what are you doing she said

dry of this for right you know and Suboxone looks a boxing help save me and help me get off of but eventually you got to get off that too and you kick hard is that is it hard to get off it okay there's something called fentanyl yeah okay which is elephant tranquilizer it's synthetic it's like spice like What synthetic weed I'll get all these kids in jail by the way these young kids they smoke this K2 shit they can they stop while they're talking to you like a kid will be talking to you in jail like that jail jumpsuit and I'll just be like he stops look

like he got hit with volcanic ash or something because they spray these chemicals on the weed and it does something to them they start dancing like Julie Andrews always Bloods and Crips are dancing to The Sound of Music hills are alive it's really it's weird so Federal is like the heroine version of that it's synthetic heroin yeah much stronger people are dying from touching it like they touch it against cops are done

or cops getting overdose from you guys doing at the border they're sweating right it comes from China it is always conspiracy theories about try to try to kill us and who knows maybe it's we not a lot of junkies I was in a rehab which I got to give a shout out to this place turning point in Patterson is where I really got clean I was there for three months I did a month in jail and then I did three months of Turning Point great place they really helped me out a lot my counselor Sarah shout out to her but she you know I got clean the air but it was in Paterson in the hood and

The Gangs would fight each other to get the corner right across from the rehab oh geez because people come out yeah people come out and they get high two kids I was in there with you know went and got they died that day Jesus they just leave and they died that day from fentanyl these are junkies if you get a certain amount of time clean your willpower you know your resistance resistance goes down and so they would take what they used to take and it only killed they were at that show

to get off the Suboxone is very difficult because you got to kick it you got to kick it you know we draws take average four to five days and I've done that in jail twice so if you have fentanyl in your system and you take us a boxing you go into what they called precip withdrawals which are like the regular withdrawals times a million like you feel like you're going to die you start to loosen 8 this happened to me twice I went to I went to jail not knowing that the coke they

and everything they put it in the cocaine they put it in the marijuana because they want people to catch a habit and if couple people died because of you gotta have it I got to keep going back so you're buying what you think is blow it's not it's blow with this fentanyl in it heroin's brown together Christ it's brown when you get it it phenols wait so if it's really a lighter color it's got fennel in it but people want to get high so bid they take the risk if you're a junkie you'll take that risk so I did not know I had fentanyl in my system

it was in the cocaine I had so I get to I get to jail and I see this kid in a Bolton at the jail and he was a dealer I do from a street and he owed me you owed me a favor and these kids smuggle drugs in and they're in the band that I rub sweatpants they have it right here if you see a kid going like this all the time and kids walking over to him you know he's got something so I went over there kid and I said what do you got and he goes I just got Subs Suboxone I said give me one because I you know I couldn't deal with the anxiety and

he gave it to me I didn't know I had fentanyl in my system I took us a box and with it and in ten minutes I was writhing on the floor Raj is just so they threw me in a cell and I had a had a kick at a kick with those kind of withdrawals and out of jail cell how long does it last five days June 5 days not a seos when I was kicking in Essex County Jail the CEOs are our I love them they're great guys are tough motherfuckers they got a tough job and they were very supportive of me and

they protected me and are they were good guys but it's so they were given me food they were trying to keep me hydrated and shit there was a doctor there was really cool but I was naked because you're also on a suicide watch at people kicked from heroin again all this emotional pain comes back on you and a lot of people commit suicide so they give you what they call this turtle shell they put that you're naked and he going this Turtle thing that's like a velcro thing so I kicked for five days in that thing just just

rolling around the floor please I started to hallucinate my old man's been dead for 30 years I could have swore he was talking to me right in front of me yeah it's just and then and then knowing that then I get it out of my system I get out of jail and I'm and I get high an hour later you know so you know if if you keep doing that there's something wrong so what happened this time the change I they kept me away for long

and I ever was I was doing I was doing like two-week bed a week bed in jail this time I was in jail for almost two months and I kicked then I went to a long-term rehab and I got locked away from it and I started to think clearer and think about the consequences and think about my mom and the fact that my mother is this great Italian woman who you know I thought you just needed money for me I took care of my old man on his deathbed said take care of you

mother and as an Italian guy from North Jersey you think that means money doesn't mean anything else so I kept giving her money not knowing she was worried about me dying you know all the time so she I thought about her pain and I said I can't do this anymore so I just started to think clear and then the one day at a time comes in so wow that's the difference the difference was I was locked away from the dope longer than I ever was so not only did the physical withdrawals go away but the mental which was true

Parker the great jazz musician was a heroin addict I would use 35 he said they can get it out of your body but they can never get it out of your brain trunk Parker done at 35 trolley Park was 35 Jesus Christ The Carter said he was 66 yeah but but he had the most profound thing I ever heard someone say about heroin he said they can get it out of your brain but they can get it out of your body but they can't get it out of your brain because you remember yeah I remember the it's a way to deal with shit and it's a maternal thing right it's like almost like being in the womb after protected

I've never done it but one knee surgery they gave me a morphine drip off again give me a button yeah that's it I was in the hospital I could hit it anytime I want I just hammered them thing yeah of course you just go just Glide off the most beautiful wonderful feeling well that's the thing about drugs they work you know it's instant yeah you know you don't want and again that's something else in our business like you know I don't want to wait for anything you want the money now right right I want to come now I want

get high now I want it I want to gamble that's the part of what makes you great comic though the impulsive wildness is what people enjoy and romick's yeah that's my all my favorite Comics Kennison Joey Diaz yeah all of them struggled all of them yeah it's a prior look at Richard Pryor yeah Lenny Bruce Lenny Bruce yeah Hicks all of them all of them Mitch sure Robin Williams everybody everybody had drug problems it's Greg Giraldo

give you a great Greg Giraldo story all right okay so this to me sums up a comedian who's also a drug addict right 2006 William Shatner roast Comedy Central Time Dorado was just hit with the rose who's going to be a big deal but I had partied with him a couple of times and you know we both had the same problem so so we were the only two guys coming from New York City to do the chatter roast this was o-64 Comedy Central so I'm at the JFK first Lounge First first class

Lounge waiting for my plane and I know Greg is supposed to be on a plane he shows up five minutes before the plane takes off and he goes already Mandy like hugs me sweat and he goes I'm tweaking like he was on taking amphetamines so I go he goes I'm not getting on a plane I go dude you're hot you're like the best guy at these roasts now you have to get on a plane does your career and he goes I can't get on a plane I go you have to get on a fucking plane so I had all this Vicodin I smuggled under my under my sock I said take a couple of Vicodin and have a beer so I got him a beer and he started to calm down a bit

I literally held his hand okay I held his hand of God I'm on a plane I change my seat to sit next to him he was too paranoid to go to the fucking bathroom so I would guard the bathroom so no one could come in and I we get to La now we got to go to a dress rehearsal at CBS Radford Farrah Fawcett was on that Rose so now he's still freaking out paranoid and he want he goes I'm gonna hug fire for so you can't go near Farrah Fawcett

I have to kiss her I got you please from us I go you can't do that I can bring your kid gets arrested I go down your career is gonna be over and gonna be arrested for sexually assaulting Farrah Fawcett on amphetamines so I go you just got to calm the fuck down we get to the dress rehearsal and you guys please don't tell anybody and now I've been there so I know it is a so I go I want so we go back to the hotel I I leave my room I sit by him like Florence fucking Nightingale I'm given them like hot

sirs and shit the morning the next morning the cars coming to get us to take us to the show at noon and he comes out of it he comes out of the bathroom because I think I'm I came down he hugs me he's crying he goes to thank you so much ago Dude you would have done the same thing for me okay so now we go to the roast he's the first roaster up first thing he says he goes Artie Lange's here how about a hand for our d-line and everybody plus looks Amigos look at you already you fat fucking drug addict

that's the first thing you say and I want my dish I went bro like this anymore of this that look is a comedian yes that looks like immediately gonna do is they're gonna take it I just saved your fucking life I'm crying I practically made out with them I stopped him from sexually assaulting one of the Charlie's Angels these one

yeah it'd be one powerful because very few people hardly ever have

I said you can sits inside the first thing he says is you fat fucking drug addict yes Batman and then he gives me a oh my God oh my God get me one again this is something to use things you wish you had on tape about nineteen ninety eight ish me Mitch Hedberg and Greg Giraldo both did Seth we all feel listed sets at The Comedy Cellar and there

was an old Diner on 9th and 23rd called Chelsea Square Diner I don't know if it's over anymore the three of us was me Greg and Mitch and if you if you ask me why God spared me out of that three I have no idea it's just sheer luck but God spared me for some reason I don't know why and I remember talking the three of us were talking about about drugs and Hedberg he told us to a couple people and I don't know Mitch's well I did a couple of gigs with him but you know he said you know a lot of people are trying to get me to stop I'm never going to stop

he said I'm just just don't waste your time I've never going to stop doing it I love it that much and you know at the time I didn't realize how dark that was and he died you know he's been dead almost 15 years now you talk about a Real Genius you know and like he just was like I just I know I can never stop like that's how much it takes it takes over to the point where you know you know you

you might die out because I don't care I want to do it this way Jesus you know and it's so again well I remember when he almost died from gangrene yes he was shooting his the same hole that he was going through he might have been with a towel I don't know and Lewis Black they did a tour together and again that's one of the saddest stories yet the the security at the airport smelled the gangrene that's how they found out yeah and they found shit I think he'd beat the case I think they felt like powerful now your stuff

talking about you know one of the best maybe the best joke writer ever and he just doesn T just like I just want again when you live in this life like stand-ups most of us dreamed of doing this our whole lives and now you're doing it who's going to tell you to stop anything I think with him to the there were inseparable the stand up in the heroin together yeah like Miles Davis said like you know what we're playing the trumpet you know it's not only again you're talking about extreme personalities yeah John Belushi and again

like you say you have the same personality but it just manifested itself in different ways I was lucky when I was a kid I knew junkies and I had I'm sorry II friend Jimmy's cousin was selling Coke when I was in high school yeah I watched him rot away I watched him shrivel up and and I remember I was also I was very paranoid right and I didn't I didn't want to ruin my life I was always worried about ruining my life yeah so I'd see things like that about guard stay the fuck away from drugs that's an amazing amazingly mature attitude at that

because I was a direct option I said that's going to be part of the success yeah for Me Harder self-preservation yeah and I look that's a smart way to think but I tell I tell when I speak I tell these kids because they're like how did you make it man like how did you make it in Showbiz like they Google me and they see me you know on The Tonight Show yeah well how did you do that like it rehab they were like you know they're watching my movies on YouTube these kids are magicians with the fucking thing I gotta go down and I stand up and go how did you do this like being a junkie and I'm like I don't know

oh I can't even remember what that's part of the problem is that you're kind of rewarded for being so wild and being wild your it's an accentuated yes by the drug yes and by the craziness and the gambling and all of it well the way I say the way Ray Romano wrote new jokes about having kids and a family yeah you know a lot of comics you comment on your life yes that's how you get new material so my life was not a wife and kids my life was

this craziness with drugs and gambling and that's that's where I sort of I mind that for material and it's also the audience loved it they loved the fact that you're out there living that life like house key or Hunter Thompson yeah anyone who's out there living that life there's like it's romantic yes yeah that's the way you're not living like the average schlub no but Ray Liotta says in a Goodfellas like you know we were rock stars yeah you know all these guys want to wake up and go to a 9 to 5 job we don't know that life you know

right and I do and I saw the other side when I was at this halfway house

with all these crazy motherfuckers I had to get a job as part of the program so I pump gas and I worked on the back of a garbage truck for a while throwing garbage and I pumped gas as a kid and you know you know the money we made for being on stage I've gone for you know from that money I'm a I pump gas 40 hours when we got to check for $280 you know so that's what that's life yeah that's real life that's real life yeah okay start by the skin the halfway house I had five

three roommates one was a carjacker the other one was an arsonist okay this other kid was was a joke this kid was my bunkmate he lived on the top bunk I was on the bottom he's like 22 years old he had some point you had a form of Tourette's every 11 seconds my hand to God he made this sound hey every 11 seconds that's a sleep he watched porn on his on his phone so he loved the specific kind of porn and he would keep showing it

jerking off on the top bunk and I gotta go pump gas the next thing I'm like my life is fucking over and he loved watching these really fat black chicks get fucked by small white guys so this is what you here all night you hear this fuck me with that honky dick hey you little white pussy hey

in the old days people just lit him on fire right and throw him in a dumpster right but now it's a disease right so he's got a disease so but he the kid I go you're out of the fucking internet you can watch the hottest chicks on the planet e with jerk off these are gonna go those chicks look at the 86 Celtics that looks like Bill Walter but there's this enormous like Oprah looking chick with a little like Richard Simmons looking guy and he goes hey everyone you're asking

he's into that sort of but there's no explanation made any sense

okay forget I was in jail with I was in protective custody so if you're a protective custody at jail you you it means you're a murderer a snitch or some sort of celebrity so you're up there with hardcore motherfuckers so this this black ghetto is next to me in the cell great kid I love them I love them but when me and him were both out of the cell together for rec time I noticed the guards were real protective of me like now they would make him go in the shower and lock the shower while I walk past them

he had some sort of ghetto Tourette's or something like because every okay he'd ask you a question about your life and then he would interrupt you I'm going what up like every time I'm gonna ask you a question you start to answer okay what's your name Joe but up where you from what up born in Jersey what up he can't every 11 seconds he went where it up were up I love the guy why was that okay because I'm locked in my cell 23 hours a day one

of the guards told me he think I chopped up three women oh

word up like that cut up yeah oof so that's the you're rubbing elbows with these guys Jesus it did I try I think it chopped up three girls the most affable I like the kid I still basketball with him like the pay is another state was playing and yeah because you're in solitary confinement was he able to have conversations he was mentally ill obviously but he kept he kept like I heard about a phone

the other thing about jail man they have tablets now they have the technology so I for one hour a day I was out of my cell and that you can play basketball or whatever but you're in these cages so they give these young kids who are in jail for a long time tablets they could call anybody on the outside so they call their girlfriends which is always a bad thing like it starts out nice but you hear the build like how you doing baby with who's that who's that in the background who the fuck is out and they start screaming at him and they get violent

and I don't call your girlfriend and when this kid would talk to anybody's life he kept saying word up every five seconds so when you're trapped with these guys in your cell for 23 hours but I have my own solo protective custody of you have your own so and what are you doing when you're in that cell well I roll three hours all I wrote again that helps being creative to I wrote yeah and I read a lot I had a great lawyer my lawyer at the end sent me a lot of reading material again

worst aren't fans oh you talk about a crazy are there also the sweetest people on a plant they start fans all wrote me letters we're rooting for you I hope you get better they sent me books that they do I liked and I you know you kill time 23 hours a day yeah but yeah throw pad and Pen yeah see right and things out yeah he's right stand up did you write a lot of stand-up and I wrote I wrote this book I have a rough draft for a book which is all stores like I was just telling you you know I mean

this book I've written three books and they're all crazy stories but this one if I do it the right way which it's hard to fuck off because it's just repeating these stories it's going to be insane I'm sure but I want you to you got to release an audio version of it like this no way yes gonna do you justice printed form well I have to interpret how you're saying these things the first book I had out too fat to fish which debuted number one on the New York Times because of us that's another thing with drugs I was I read halfway through the

your book and I couldn't do it anymore I was always in withdrawals in the booth so I quit I just quit the middle of it so who read it I hired two guys with speech impediments oh Jesus come purpose yeah well guy couldn't read you one of the guys had trouble reading a book oh my God is that available right now

yeah I'm gonna buy that you can get that I'm gonna buy the audio version halfway through I just stopped halfway through I get to chapter 6 and then I just do a thing I go guys I quit and I put that in the audiobook I'm not doing this anymore oh my God I'm sweating I'm leaving you hear me like leave the booth next thing here is that I had a thank um happen with

the studio the studio time took like four extra months oh my God the publisher Random House Kroger's we're going over to if someone's gonna read the book they have to not a read you know David Goggins is the the he's a Navy Seals right I've heard that name in a great thing with his book where he wrote a book but in the audiobook he had his business partner read it and then he would talk

talk about it afterwards oh okay like almost like a podcast for right right that's interesting yeah because the thing about these stories like the way I'm hearing you say him this is how I want to hear it in the book I don't want to hear you read your book right right I'm saying like absolutely like it's almost like you'd be better off instead of writing a book if someone just transcribed what you're saying yeah well I tell a lot of these a lot of these stories I tell them to stand up to yeah but if somebody could just get out of the way yeah if you can get someone who can interview you who's not going to get in the way yeah yeah like these

like just talk and then you just go with it and then that's a good point well technology is changing that game to that's a putting out the idea of like a multimedia book yes you know yeah absolutely this would Goggins did he put his book out you could read the book right then the the the audio version is the book plus so it's the book plus him explaining like these stores are actually fucking crazier than I'm even writing in the book there's more to each one of them left and what's interesting about that the way I've written all three of my books with my buddy Mike

co-author Anthony Bozo who wrote his writing for m&a is right now Eminem's book right now and he wrote / his book right before me Tommy Lee and he was writing a book with me and Courtney Love at the same time the kid almost jumped off a building he would listen to Courtney Love

he needs both of you yes oh my God what we had when me and Nick DiPaolo had our own radio show for a little yeah I remember and we got this big contract and the first time we did stand-up at the Tower Theater Philly Nick Kozak yeah my life's great my entire future depends on our deal I'm

well that was the attitude that he had on the show to I watch the show because he used to be on television right right was the net was one of the networks that was under audience yeah DirecTV those wash those like these two are not getting along because I know both you and I could send Nick is such a grumpy old Italian now he's so funny but yeah very funny great joke writer well absolutely yeah but do you guys though yeah weird mix like that one guy is like this sort of grumpy guy likes to complain about things the other guys getting high

the time gambling everything that moves great sounds great but maybe you need a third person to like fucking mediate yeah like a Lawn Lawn fortunately both respect yeah but yeah so the way we wrote the books was he I would record I would tell the stories like I'm telling him to you into a recorder right and then we transcribe them yeah and so it's almost like you know the premise was the way Mark Twain rolling

like right like people talk that's great but the real original recordings need to be preserved that's it say it again and again don't do such things exist oh so that's just telling the story that's what you need to release that that's what everybody wants rounded see the the polished producted produced version of these things is Never As Good when I try to polish myself and never works that's more than anybody yeah this would it be what people love is like this this conversation we're having right now is just you talking right this is what people love I didn't know you have the story

you can't wait to tell it oh wait let me tell you that yeah boom it comes out and it's live it's like hanging out Shootin pool don't ya it's alive its alive and when it hits their ears it's alive yeah if there's something missing when people are trying to overproduce things it's say that again already but this time well that's right uh bo show I did I did for a few years crashing Apatow was really smart with that he just sort of Let Me Tell talk yeah you know and it worked that's a good point the stories are the stories are like

it's that this stuff is not even the tip of the iceberg it's just like it's chaos that I can't believe I put myself through I mean God God did spare me I should be dead a million times over do and a lot of different ways you know a lot of different ways it's just I was well you're in a very unique position now because you did get through all that because you get did get through all that and now you're in nine months sobriety and you've got these great stories you're funny than ever it's a it's a very weird position for you to be in because you can help

of people with the story I'd love to well again you know when you talk about the method thing with getting clean the 12-step program which a lot of people obviously if you're not in it you know it's a legendary iconic program aana but you don't really know what the 12-step is the premise is once you get to the 12 step

You by you helping other people it helps you hmm and I'll watch because that's what you're talking about that's a productive way to use your time yeah I'm going to go help this guy like someone and then I'll say there's a guy dying and his family needs us and don't even know the guy you're going to try to help them so by the end of helping him for five hours you maybe save him but you're also saving you because you do so the premises

I'll give you a call this was very poignant one of the speakers and at turning point this guy in rehab really explained it perfectly at the beginning Alcoholics Anonymous it's also a great story Great American story these two stockbroker and Doctor couldn't stop drinking and they realized just by talking to each other they could stop they helped each other so they they devised these 12 steps so they were go around and hospitals this in the mid-30s and they would say to the people

the hospital is there anybody in the drunk Ward like a hopeless alcoholic and they go yeah and it goes to have any family here and they say like his wife is here she's you know desperate can we talk to her so they would go to the wife the guys in the hospital bed and alcoholic withdrawals just a delirium and they would say to her listen we found the cure for alcoholism we think we found a cure for alcoholism can we talk to your husband and she goes you know what I that sounds like total fantasy to me you could try we've tried everything

how you going to cure them and they said no no you understand he's going to cure us like by talking to him we're going to get better like he's going to cure us and hopefully along the way he gets it wow you know so so that's that's like a simple premise but that's a stroke of Genius in a way it's like you're using your time for something insanely productive and you know like you're a generous guy you like helping people you're a good friend you know it's you get a you get a little bit of a rush you get a lot of a dad to help get a lot

that I tell people I'm like could selfish generous person well they think like the 12-step they say it's true altruism where you know true altruism is you know not the way these big corporations give back but you get nothing in return right but in a way that's bullshit because it helps you you get something back when I help people I get a rush it helps me if you that that feeling you get if you give somebody you love a gift is the gift you're trying to give him his look we're trying to get you better and by the

I'm you spend all this time working on them you've stayed clean you know it also does it radiates they'll do the same thing yeah they realize that somebody help them in it and that it helped you to help them and they'll do it to someone else no feel it as well and it also spreads the culture of being generous again you're right on the money that's very insightful because that's what a is it's a domino effect yeah the culture being generous is very important yeah well try being friendly you gotta go through being supportive yeah because selfish people they die alone it's a fucking horrible way to live

lutely there's a lot of wealthy people I've met through this business who were just angry motherfucker their the broken and and they don't have anyone to call on this no one no one loves them no one hugs them when they seized absolutely nobody gets excited you need that but this business is particular think during the the TV era which I think is kind of gone I think now we're in the absolutely internet era is this happened but the internet era is a much more generous error because it actually helps everybody to have all these shows and no one's competing against each other in a sense because you know right to be like

it was one hosts The Tonight Show everybody stabbed everybody to get that fucking job and that was those late-night War the movie with letter machine whirs cars now ruthlessly us with Joan Rivers if you try to go yes I mean that's how everybody wanted that way think back then there was a famine mentality because it was such a there's a few slots and there was hundreds of comics and everybody was just fucking fighting in the trenches with not that was the no look again see you though as a good person with character that's your attitude which is great you live that lifestyle like

who knows what you're saying is important like this is the biggest podcast going if you were hosting the Tonight Show and look I've been on The Tonight Show with Jimmy found a million times I kill every time but to have me on the mainstream and I love Jimmy but to have me on a mainstream show talking like this there's consequences to that corporate wise yes they can't do it they would fight you to have me on yes oh you're in it you're in a situation where me and you were two guys who've known each other a long time who respect each other's work at his people and I'm a guy I mean let's face

and I'm trying to get back on my feet and you come to New York and you let me do this that's huge that's something I can do in America day early it was why I'm here I was supposed to I was supposed to land today at 4:00 in the afternoon it's downright touching my stuff I like you man I'm happy that you're doing great right now and if I can help put some wind in your sails and keep you moving these great Direction I'm gonna do I'm a lot of a lot of people tell me like you got a lot of you got a lot of fans Andrea if I got it I heard John Rogue and I heard John Rogan Rogan

I was talking about you and it's always positive and that dude that that helps me get out of bed some days it does and I'm saying your point is well taken if you were hosting the Tonight Show you have all these people badly you can't have already on right now it's crazy right now even though you need to but you were in this position you can you could do whatever you want you can do whatever you want and well we're here right now and Louis is studio right because I mean I guess in some way we're supposed to be competitors or something like that we're not know it wouldn't listen iron that we're all friends so the podcast

is one of the most open supportive communities and write Comics now every comic is a fucking podcast and because of that it's like everybody supporting everybody everybody's helping her but it was a dance old has got a new age music yeah everybody go watch it hey you know Ari shaffir is got this thing coming out everybody go check it out everybody's helpful and everybody supporting it also helps that everybody just mentioned a good guy yeah you know this is community it's a different feeling that ever existed during those Tonight Show Wars no not even close not even close not even close

guys hated each other they did even Stern when Stern with anybody in any other Mark I saw the Howard situation for eight years that world and how it even says like you know Howard was this insane ball of talent and ambition and if you got in the way of that train man you know where his competitor he would go after you your family everything everything it's I you know I saw that firsthand and you're talking about it's it's scary but you're right this is

that's a different world you're positive about this situation but I think even the way Howard did it it's like I don't think you could do it that way dot no way nobody would accept it no way no way it's a different world it's there's a lot there's a lot of people that would check them on it yeah you know before it got crazy but you know you talk about every comic everyone has a podcast I used to go to when I went to jail a couple times I get my own cell and they go why did you have his own cell well because you know he's got a big radio show and then why do you want your own cell now because I have a

podcast the God says well so do I have a podcast they do everyone else I mean everybody shoots video it is it's a very I mean look it also inspires a lot of talent was bors to do that yes you gotta have something you gotta have some sort of you know but but it's open-ended if you have something to offer and and and someone is a good person and you want to help them you can do it with this platform yeah and the the entry it's not expensive

you can eat in the iPhone and you just some sort of a lips in a countertop shot another one yeah I know it's so beautiful it's called audio lag halfway house I love it it's great on the premises these stories with Mike Bush Eddie and and and a lot of the guys I met in these crazy times with these crazy stories through the most unique stories on the planet well you would do on a podcast from your apartment for a while right for two years but I was you know I was running I was on drugs yeah I mean okay I

did a I did a podcast in my living room I was late 18 times what are we can comedians were beating me in my kitchen that's hilarious that's why I was late 18 times that's hilarious I wouldn't have your people are waiting outside and and I coach traffic by the bathroom I would say my friends how out of control was my friend Jay is one of the producers of the doctors and they were going to fix your

yeah but they're worried that if they did it they'd have to give you painkillers right well that's that's a big thing too like with the drug court thing if you get any type of surgery that God do paperwork also the guy from botched wants to do it too I've seen a bidding war to fix my nose what happened to it a bunch of things 30 years of drugs right okay you want to hear stories first of all a bookie I was dealing with a few years ago had a guy who used to work for him who

got this idea to try to get money out of me and he sucker-punched me at my this kid was a 19 year old boxer and he Ki was going to my car one day and he thought I was like you saw me on TV till I was like a billionaire and I'm going to my car and I hear are they and the kid hits me with a right hand right it's like I mean like you can never get off on a regular fight you know like like the weight ocean it Trevor berbick and I'm gonna stand right here right here right on mine and collapse

collapse the bone right here knock me out for 10 minutes at least 10 minutes and and and you know that situation got solved the way got solved but you know I examine well I just had to deal with it in my own way I made up with the guy through you know intermediaries Street and everybody's fine and we moved on but the kid laid me out the kids I mean it is 90 right you got it just boom and so that's one thing

thirty years of drug use but this is one of the craziest story so there was this stripper I used to go on the road with and she would meet me in City she's actually from Boston she was from choose from Southie and she was hopin it but when she like talk during sex I like Mark Wahlberg that accent so gross you're Wicked hot fuck but she was she was beautiful and over the years like I would meet her at hotel she would call me on the road and she was a drug addict mr. snort drugs together so

we're at a hotel in St Louis is about it's got about five years ago now no no less three four years ago and we're snorting oxy coat so to start the pills you got to crush them up so we're in this hotel room this nice hotel room I got a show that night at a big theater and I go take a shower she takes out like like about about five pills and starts crushing them that was a nice little tell us we had room service

the room service had a salt shaker that was glass so she couldn't Crush one of the pills she takes she takes the salt shaker and starts hitting the pillow with it and the salt shaker breaks glass breaks okay so then she takes a credit card and you know makes it into a fine powder fine dust not knowing there's all glass in in the powder she cuts out like four lines she gets called down to the desk

to go to I bought her a gift so she goes down to get the gift I come out of the out of the bathroom I see the lines and I take a take a pen that I cut down and I snort one of the lines and there's glass in it I snorted glass and Oxycodone holy shit so it sounded like a zipper I just went I saw one picture of your nose where was enormously swollen that's after the kid punch me that was every punch I was have to get by Japan yeah he tweeted it out he was trying to be a jerk

if he put He took a picture of me with my phone and Tweedle it he was he had a bad plan but at that way to try to get money out of me and the bookie who it's a long story but anyway yeah that that was after I got punched yes well that got out all over the place yeah and again that's my life that's the chaos that was my life but I snorted a line oxycodone that all glass fine cut up glass it sounded like a zipper it's what and then my nose just started to it just

it just went nuts just for the bleeding and I went to the hospital I had to cancel the show and I wanted to strangle the girl and that's what he caved in that it also is all that that started the process if you watch the show crashing you I'm on that three seasons you could see my nose morphing into what it is now like from a regular nose to like what it is now and again part of me I tell young kids party doesn't want to get it fixed because every time I look in the mirror

I go this is a life this is this is what happened to me yeah it's a reminder maybe to not fuck up again yeah and maybe it tells kids at oh it's just such a dangerous thing to get it fixed and then to be in that kind of intense pain and then have the Temptation well take a pill the premises while you're in the hospital you get what you need because you can't get it's an operation so they got to put you out they put you out yeah but then afterwards look I had my deviated septum fixed right and they

me a couple different painkillers that I didn't use I got out and I was I didn't use them when I had knee surgery either I don't think I can let me ask you something she'd see this fascinates me so as a guy who gets obsessed with stuff right and you feel that Euphoria at morphine drip yeah the the obsession over that feeling is not as strong as you not wanting to fuck your life I'm not even close yeah I know I know it feels great but my brain is like okay out of here cover your Curry hand tuck your chin

Bob and weave get the fuck out of the corner right get out of there okay here's what it hears what a drug addict is what this is where they claim it's a disease I'm smart enough to realize that too but I do it anyway yeah I'm the direct opposite I never I never got into the drugs at a young age but still you feel that feeling yeah you know what I mean like like like you know that that's something like like you know to me the sick person is Hawaii don't you want to feel like that all the time you know yeah it's crazy like some people have a painkiller prescription all these pills

they don't finish it I think that premise to me yeah I sold mine that's amazing I took Percocets I think it was Percocets when I had my first knee operation after the morphine drip I got out the gave me Percocets I took it one day and it was it made me so stupid okay I remember sitting on my couch going God I'm so dumb right now I can't think okay I got to the I took in one day I counted because I was obsessed with I took a hundred and twenty three Percocets in one day under 20 feet of God so I got pancreatitis

has Jesus Christ I was on the liver list and then my liver came back oh I guess she talked about on the transplant list and they were about to put me on the list the doctor said to my family's at the my mother's sister he's gonna need a liver this is like this is five years ago because I got out of control with the Percocets which is why I went back to snorting I was try not to snore I was taking oral for your health yeah right it's Gotta feel it

so once that once you snort the glass how do they get it out of your nose well I had to go to the emergency room what do you do for like four days what do they do they cut it out they yeah they had it they had to go in they do a surgery where they knock you out they got to go up and they clean it out and then I had surgery again a couple years ago to do it so there's no like I should breathe good and everything now I don't know you know but again it would take a piece of your rib with right do they take your cartilage from in between the rib which will eventually grow back and they would prop it up they do it the fighters when

yeah yes man I met the guy at the doctor's I went to go see him the guy at the hotel yeah and he was like I don't know because he never said I he goes he never saw a worse knows why he looked in the nose because I never saw was no that's incredible and graduations yeah well I'm very goal-oriented but if they did fix it you know the real issue would be the what it feels like when you get out of the hospital right and you know how whether or not that would disrupt your progress enough the point we would salute

back well again I'm making more and more mature decisions now because I could have went right into this hmm But and again the doctor had botched was was cool about it till you said you need more clean time he at least a year yeah for even tried yeah well good for him for thinking that way instead of just I mean like a big episode for them and again if I can if I couldn't breathe be one thing but I can breathe all right and like what you know I never looked like David Beckham anyway what do I care yeah that's gotta give you some material on stage as well

I said stop to smell the roses in life and they had cocaine on them

it's it's been an odyssey of craziness my life has just been an odyssey of craziness now we tried to do this in La one of the reasons why I had to come to New York as they wouldn't your parole officer would not let you right now probe the probation on mine doesn't let you travel what are you can't leave the state more than 24 hours so when you go to do a gig like in come back that night I should do that anyway right I just I don't love staying but kept see I'm in Poughkeepsie tonight and it's a two-hour you know and I'm coming right back yeah I like that one show the other thing is

get you know short whenever I tried to come back I'd get greedy and I would start to with two three shows a night for the money I'm doing I do one show Mostly in a night so you don't get burnt out I do you know you Damn it out your pace out your energy yeah this is the one show and I come back I take the eye because the money is good enough what do I need I mean if they don't get crazy yeah yeah Dougie crazy don't put your health at risk don't don't stress yourself out the good thing is is that you know that sort of matured thinking you have about not want to fuck up your life I'm starting

every CH day I get more and more to thinking that way hmm so it's improving still ya know you're nine months in it's a constant it's so so that's like two like endurance like you're strengthening your endurance your resolve mentally more than anything yeah well that's it's almost all mental at this point it is yeah at this point it is you know you just gotta I mean something spared me and I'm 52 and I would love my legacy to be someone that help people but you know even though you already have whether you realize it or not and I guarantee you if you

go and you will I hope so you will know it's a hundred percent if you keep going with these stories with your personality and your sense of humor this is a hundred percent can to help people and not just a few fucking millions of people you know Robert Downey jr. when the paperback version my first book came out I wrote a paragraph about him to where you know again about the ruthlessness of show business people say show business is very forgiving well if you're that talented of an actor like Robert Downey

here they let you come back and through his assistant he contacted me and was so was so nice like you know and I can't either at this point he was Iron Man you know and he you know and I'm just comedian he's a big star in fan he had read the book and he appreciated that I was complimenting to him in the book and again there's an example the 12-step stuff he really was like he goes on through he said basically to me I'm

for you if you need me I'm here for you Joe Walsh me Eagles who I met through the Stern Show same thing hmm that's amazing you know like like these guys are like because it it helps them it helps everybody so so Robert Downey helped me in a way just by knowing that he got better because you talked about chaos his life was I remember talking about him out of starch when he got sounds you know the stripper with the Wonder Woman outfit and crystal meth when the stripper dressed like Wonder Woman and crystal meth and somebody else's house but I've always

wondered like a guide like that that's so fucking talented he's talented in this weird explosive sort of creepy unique he's unique if you watch his movies even though he's in a shit movie he's great yeah like you always look at what he's doing he makes unique choices as an actor I've always wondered if like the engine behind that is the same engine of addiction absolutely whole Civ wild Reckless sort of energy and now he just contains it in progress and success like it's kind of working I mean I don't know him personally just just through that

I just told you about but it seems like he's like way into the program of AA or any yeah I mean and again it's also like the premise of going to a meeting and then a meeting I try to go to five or six a week now and that's not even you know they want you to go to 90 and 90 there's a lot of comedians in recovery you know I won't mention who they are but you know it's Anonymous thing but just so many guys we're 20 years ago there was a stigma attached to it there's not any more I think people understand now it's

not being weak people used to think it's week it's like it's these are Behavior patterns their thought patterns and you get stuck in a rut of them you get there's a smooth carved path so that your behavior to slides right in and goes and it's hard to hit those fucking brakes and stop that path and you use the behaviors to manipulate like if you have a towel like a sense of humor it was funny I what am I POS said to me you're going to tell me you never use your sense of humor to obtain drugs I don't know what drug dealers you know but the jokes

payment like listen noodles I want that ounce of cocaine I have no cash but knock knock well you're not gonna work you use your sense of humor to get the money to buy a joint but indirectly what what what what the people at the task evaluators a drug court a lot of these these rehabs do is they link exactly what you just said they link every Behavior back to yeah the drug use yeah like what why why acting this way why being Charming if you can be Charming yeah be Charming so we'll just robbed you yeah yeah well I was

talking with this upfront about this with a friend of mine recently about girls about like basically every comic really became funny because they were trying to figure out a way to get girls like that that's the first pussy a hundred percent that's not being with men it's actually try to explain it to women like like for me like like you're up till about eleven or twelve all you want to do is hit a home run a little league and then one summer you see a set of tits or something and then it's all about pussy that's it you just got to try to get fuzzy yeah and said and then that is talk about it

shit yeah oh my God if you get involved like the girl I was telling you about if you get involved with a chick who's got a drug problem with opioids and this good-looking to you want to fuck you talking about Adolf Hitler utility chicks are manipulative already but if you have a pussy at a drug problem mmm what a Richard Pryor say because I don't know why bitches always complaining I got half the money and all the pussy that Richard Pryor that's Socrates types it is that sums up like that

that letter should be on his fucking great I got half the money and all the pussy I'll give you another story okay you ready this is being a drug addict I was with this other girl at Martha's Vineyard this is like 20 years ago and I went to visit John Belushi's grave on big Belushi fam I had an eight ball of coke uh me and everybody at Belushi's grave I was in Paris ones where I got arrested for drunken but anyway eyes they do this is Jim Morrison's grave people leave bottles of booze like heroin needles sometimes loaded I Jim Morrison's grave

so people have beers and everything I'm Belushi's grave so I took the eight ball of coke out and I took half of it and I left a couple of rocks on top of Belushi's headstone at like 3:00 in the afternoon and I said that's on me John 4 o'clock in the morning I went back and got it is still there yeah at four o'clock in the morning me and the girl ran out of coke and I said is it raining she goes why I go come on we're gonna go back I went back and got the cocaine

he didn't need any more gesture was already in place you imagine the retarded the red the level of retardedness that is your life if that point I'm with a girl at 4:00 in the morning and I know is it raining those wackos I left the coke on the thing I'm hoping to get you know oh my God another day another guy a young kid the other great thing about AA meetings is you you will someone could say the most profound thing from any Walk of Life like some some Professor who's a genius at MIT could be

meeting with a cook at a diner and the cook said something because he's got a different perspective on it this kid said once was a janitor the best part about cocaine is going to get it and that is totally that's the smartest fucking thing I it sounds so simple but when you hear someone has it you go the three I always said I'm surprised a lawyer a prosecutor hasn't tried their conviction buddy on this yet they called DUI driving Under the Influence you're totally under the influence of drugs driving to get them I don't care if they're

in your body at your under the influence of drugs you want to get high you're speeding get to the dealer so if you kill a kid on the way to get Coke they're going to test you it's not in your body but you were totally on the influence of cocaine you know I mean I mean that's like I can offer my Joseph opened up a whole new can of worms I don't want I don't want my brother's together but I'm saying like am I under the uniform it's not in me but it sound influenced by a completely yeah and it is it's like it's like a kid on Christmas morning if you're a drug addict you

anticipate that she I equated it with fun the gambling you know yeah because what gambling is just instant fun you're bored to death now you still watching sports yeah I don't like it as much of course not I used to bet again I like pure gambling people who people who bet on stuff and handicap it that's like a job who wants a job I don't want a job I don't have the research right fucking game I just want to bet find out who's injured yeah yeah

somebody that shit that's not action because it'd be kind of know what might happen right I used to I used to go to the Mirage sports book in Vegas they have a line on everything you could bet on two kids playing Wiffle ball and Minnesota at the Mirage they have a line on everything it's just it's just the it's heaven for gamblers so I would bet on Sports I knew nothing about and do cocaine and like four o'clock in the morning I'm going around people at the bar going hey did you see the High School lacrosse scores

I got Ramapo versus Don Bosco prep I would bet on the cross because I knew nothing about it wow I would put each Super Bowl from 2004 to 11 I had ten Grand on a coin toss hmm Pig ran out of quarters and seven of the times I probably five times I probably lost so before the kickoff I was downtown Graham now how far behind are you if you all lifetime if you want to look at lifetime gambling how far that's gambling yeah

because everybody's behind like I don't know any way to million wow probably 3.2 million is what I've lost gambling holy shit if I had a baby I do that math in my head a couple of that you know yeah the I said that about that's over three my Civic 3.2 is very specific yeah because I knew I updated on my end because I'm obsessed about that you talk about you know to lose that much money got a bit of a Jetson

I had an uncle I had an uncle I see this Joker bag my uncle was a degenerate Gambler and he said you know our when I was a kid I was another Jets and then I got into girls and then I got back into the Jets because I realize there's times when a girl won't fuck you but the Jets will always fuck

he's all right you can't figure it out you but I don't want to like the coin toss is pure gambling right heads are fucking tell ya 10,000 the one that's about to happen I can't describe it what's the rush when it gets heads and called heads it's like pussy it's almost like but it's not like pussy but it's something it's gets close to it yeah and then so now how do I keep that fucking going and when you were on Stern to it came up so it was almost kind of

it's because well I think again Howard gets a bad rap sometimes I don't mean encouraged by him Howard tried to help me a lot and he was he was good to me I just he didn't like again when you're in a junkies life eventually you don't know what to do right you know what to do if you don't live that life like Howard and I a lot of our repor on the air work because he was the most disciplined human being ever and I was the most undisciplined it was like The Odd Couple so he from the first time I went in there with nor McDonald I had the story about getting arrested him a TV

he just goes I love out of control guys are fun yeah so when I got on the show it's four and a half hours you're filling every day it was part of my life so I would talk about going to Vegas and gambling and you know but I'm on the you know I'm on the air you're the cameras always on you on that show so I'm on the are committing felonies like like I got I'm cooking a bookies dealers Focus I there was a guard there after Heath Ledger died as a joke I said I had the same dealer as Heath Ledger as a joke

and it was a joke the DEA shows up at Stern with this with the with the windbreakers on says yeah I just got to talk to RT pulled me out during a commercial I'm like I'm at work bro and they said and I was joking around I told him I was I was joking around and one of the guards who worked as a Tata manual one entertain him fuck up

you made it you made it with the fucking donut

fuck it he gave me look Greg Giraldo gave me

in my head I sometimes when I think of Greg you know you have all these moments really like just grab Mark that one moment one moment are you fat fucking drug addict you can't kiss Farrah Fawcett comes another diver and the crazy thing is you see Greg on stage in with the microphone you would never think he's out of control now he was so smart laughs writing was so good absolute seems so educated and smooth is it okay I did

the last movie Chris Farley ever did was dirty work so I'm in the mood and after right after Dirty Work right before he passed away he hosted Saturday Night Live so normal Saloon Weekend Update so Norm called me up and said listen Farley's out of control with Coke come to the party after the show because I got you got to help me watch it but that's how bad it was I use launcher how to help on Okay so this is this is how fast Norm is now this is a testament to Norms witness so I'm at the party and Norms talking to somebody

Buddy and I sigh watching Chris I'm on Coke I'm coked up so so I see Farley disappear into a bathroom with Andy Dick okay him and Andy going to the bathroom yeah they come out five minutes later like giggling Norm comes over to me and goes what's going on with Chris I go bad news bro because what I go he went to a bathroom with Andy Dick I said there's only two reasons a man goes into a bathroom with Andy Dick and neither one of them is good and normal to me without mr. B said holy fuck I

he's high

North say that your holy fuck I hope he's high fashion and doing good news he was Chris Farley showed up on the set of news radio one day to visit Andy and he did he had the complexion of wet cardboard I've never seen a man look more unhealthy food I went to a strip club with him in Toronto he shot the will get there are three chicks hanging I mean he was just like oh I got it

yeah it was but I did Sean took a picture of them what we were foam coming out of his mouth laying on the ground yeah that's what I was going to end that's the people you're around exactly exactly yeah it's like yeah one quick Mitch Hedberg story so I opened up for Mitch Hedberg like 22 years ago and he comes up to me after the show and he goes hey ADI man you're a fat guy I go that's what he said I go I could lose a couple but what do you think about it goes I wrote a joke that

I can't do because I'm not fat but I give it to you oh God I just because you know when you're a kid and they tell you to wait a half an hour after you eat before you go swimming and I'm like yeah he goes you should say you've never been swimming because never more than half an hour since you last ate and I know that's a great show can I could have a joke he goes yeah so then he comes back and you smoke a lot of weed so he comes back totally serious hey man you're right that is a good joke I'll make you a deal if I gave like a hundred pounds before you do that on TV I get the joke

like a month later I'm with Norm Macdonald having dinner with people and Norm does that joke about me because hey man it's all right he's never been swimming it's never more than half an hour's is he last day I'm like where the fuck did you hear that joke he goes he goes I heard a fat guy do it at The Comedy Store I go really so I see Mitch two weeks later I go Mitch what the fuck bro you gave me that joke Norm said he saw a fat guy do it at the college tour so he's all fucked up and he goes hey Autumn and you know listen I'm sorry you know I I get fucked up a lot I forget shit I probably gave that

to a lot of fat guys

he was the weirdest joke writer ever because it was all silly non-sequiturs yeah everything was a non-sequitur no bits transferred into other bills joke joke joke joke joke it's great to watch Mitch like I get such a kick out of watching around do a set where he starts off bombing like it like it will tell a joke and the audience doesn't get it yeah and it'll go like okay you guys don't like me it

keep trying then he gets them and then the first big laugh he gets he's like a little kid he goes he was my favorite to listen to I listened his album on the way to the airport oh is LAX traffic so horrible and it was so silly yeah it's silly really yeah that's smart at this and smart and silly one of my favorite jokes ever is somebody said do you want a frozen banana I said no but I want a regular banana later so yes

and fervent silver did he well he did a joke once he did this joke on TV somewhere and you can almost tell he paused before he did it because he got a lot of trouble he goes my FedEx dealer is a my FedEx man is a drug dealer and he doesn't know it yeah

I mean that's like I used to do drugs I still do drugs but I used to to the crazy thing about him is he would do you know an hour 10 minutes of that like how the fuck do you remember what you said and don't say when you're on heroin not not not well that's the thing I forget shit all the time like I said like I bet on the other team yes with the bookie I bet on the other team but he was high when he was doing shows right and at the end the last time I saw him it was two weeks before he died at Stern and then I went

Seema Caroline's and it was like you're watching this this genius shell a show and he's literally a shout like he was he was you know taking drugs and people in the audience pills I took a birth control pill watching I thought it was a Vicodin some of the game you know I don't have the baby it worked but he was like but scratching at the walls and shit I'll give you I'll give you one more quick Norm thing so when 30 word came out it got awful reviews

and the reviewer my hometown paper said Artie Lange has all the charm of a date rapist that's what it said so nor goes like this it goes hey man that's fucking great I go I goes a date rapist has to have way more charm than a regular rapist and that made me feel better yeah so I mean listen

I'm alive I don't know how look you're healthy you're happy you know one of the things that I noticed when I started seeing you do these little Instagram videos it's like your eyes yeah your eyes are there yeah present which is that that was what was interesting there was a sparkle to your eyes that wasn't there the last time that I saw you right well everything changes man that did you look at someone's eyes especially if you're I can't feta major stuff they become peed yeah you know yeah you catch but you're putting poison your body so you know

I stopped doing that but listen if you ever need anything from me I'm here just just reach out I actually want my mother's got glaucoma you like I have on the show David Sinclair yes I need I need a contact for him because my mother's needs that that optic nerve think she heard him yeah I don't know what they're doing with that yet yeah there they've got something with are going to inject bacteria that somehow or another altered into your eye and it's going to fix people's visual that's how wide your audience is my mom said no joke

Logan had a guy on about optic nerve yes so next I got a Davidson Claire's yeah yeah I gotta I gotta get the number from you okay yeah but listen Joe - bro listen I love you man I'm how do you feel this way I love you too I'm glad we did this I'm happy we didn't thank you for thanks for taking the time my pleasure all right by everybody happy

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you for tuning in bye-bye and big kiss